View source for What it feels like to reach 90 days

''Excerpts from [[How I reached 90 days]]''

== Top Picks ==
===Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90th day clean!===
by Sci1977

Day 90 of being clean. Thank you G-d, thank you G-d, thank you G-d.

How do you even come close to understanding this momentous accomplishment? My gratitude is immense, and I will forever remember these 90 days probably more then any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I found "living". I feel like a four year old that just got to open up his biggest birthday present. The only difference is, that instead of getting a toy or a video game, I received something better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming with my deepest and most honest feelings.
===The new month. The new beginning.===
<nowiki>#</nowiki>Mal

Today is my 90th day of my journey. I can't believe this. 

I am sitting here by my computer in a trance.

Wow! Did I really accomplish 90 days! Yup, I DID! With thanks to Hashem and too many other ppl to mention who all helped me pull thru. No, it wasn't an easy journey and I only got thru it living from one minute to the next. I have gained so much from this journey in all areas of my life! I have changed! I am a different person!

I was able to do this. I am strong. I can do anything! I can. This proves it. The fact that I DID 90 days. Nothing is impossible. Hashem has held me thru it all and continues to do so thru out every aspect of my life. He only gives me what I can handle – this is also proved to me thru the 90 days done! Life is not about circumstances but about attitude. Hey, I'm naturally a pessimist. But, I have changed. Just like the brain wiring has changed for wanting to act out then my mindset has also changed to that of an optimist! Yay!

90 Days is big. I just feel it. I'm feeling empowered. Today is the beginning of a new life. A good one. A clean one. My neshama is proud. 

I accomplished 90 days! It is a huge achievement! Tons of battles which I may not have won all of them but I won the war! Thank you Hashem!

But this is not the end goal. It's the beginning of a new life. Life doesn't stop. There are still challenges. But I am stronger now. And have more tools in my arsenal.

I have also learned on this journey what is and isn't really important in life. It has also taught me that the feeling WILL pass. Just WAIT! And the feeling really does pass!
===20 Years in 90 Days===
This is truly wonderful! I've received a huge bracha to be able to reach this point. After a good 20+ years of addiction, I'd totally given up on ever getting near healed and simply accepted that this was my affliction in life, my pain and burden that I had to bear (along with all the knock-on effects of carrying it).

In the last 90 days, not only have I felt much better about myself, I have strived in so many areas of my life (marriage, friends, work, etc). I never knew I was capable of all of these rapid improvements! But as I started to see results, I just kept reminding myself that my self-esteem was more precious than any pain-killing image, and that's how I got to 90 days. I'm obviously very scared to slip, now that I realize how much I have to lose.

And so I say to anyone reading this who thinks it will never end: "please, please think of yourself, do yourself a massive kindness and put the shmutz down. You think you need it, you think there's no escape but it isn't true. I promise!"

Thank you, GYE, for giving me my life back after 20+ years!!!

With love

Noah
===Earning the "Tzadik" crown===
<nowiki>#</nowiki>Anonymous

This morning I have felt the most amazing feelings I have felt in my life. I felt like a new person and I felt the crown of Tzaddik personally placed by Hashem on my head. I have no other way to explain it. My wife noticed a difference instantly and she exclaimed that I look like a completely new person. A whole new part of me was in the room.

I felt it so important to share with everyone. You have to realize that it won't be a breeze but that is what makes you an Olympian.

This experience was so amazing for me, and I hope everyone can experience it soon.

Stay with it. It's wild on the other side.

===90-Day Testament===
<nowiki>#</nowiki>Anonymous

Wow! I really thought I might never get out of my bad habits. For the first time in at least 11 years, I feel like with Hashem's continued help I can really be in control of what I do, look at, and think about. The feeling of freedom is intoxicating!

===One Year Clean===
<nowiki>#</nowiki>Hashem Help Me

Boruch Hashem, I have passed the year-mark of staying clean, of growing, learning, accepting, listening, and getting to know some wonderful people. In a certain way, the last item on the list - getting to know some wonderful people - was and is probably the most important, and the most life-altering. Because that is why there is "cleanliness," growth, knowledge, acceptance, and some level of understanding... 

I became part of a family. No more was I the loser. No more was I the rasha. No more was I suffering in silence and all alone. Plus, you showed me, yes even those of you who fell very far down, - that it can be done. Some of you are super successful BH. Some are still having ups and downs. But all are growing, being more and more successful, showing me and anyone else who wants to see, that a yid in 2017 can stay clean

Even reaching 90 days is something I wouldn't have dared to dream about in the past. ''I thought I joined GYE to stop sinning. I found out I joined GYE to begin living''. GYE has taught me in 90 days so much truth about myself that for years I never saw. I am growing as a person in many ways - and before never even realized I was missing so much! I feel a ''menuchas hanefesh'' that I did not know existed. You have given me a new lease on life!...
===The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint===
I signed up for the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started keeping a journal on the forum of my thoughts, my progress and the tests I was facing. I read about other people's tests on the website and forum, and I began learning different approaches to this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt part of something special. Here was a group of people, possibly the only one in the world, fighting against this. When I had a victory, there were people who rejoiced along with me. When I was having trouble seeing things clearly, there were people to help guide me. When I was feeling down, there were members of the forum that encouraged me, let me know that they cared, let me know they were there for me. And slowly, slowly... it worked. I [...] The weeks passed, and I'd been clean for a month! I was shocked!

I'd learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it. And when I shared this with everyone on the forum, they celebrated along with me in this too.

The months passed, and I learned more about myself. Looking back now after being clean for more than half a year, it's truly incredible. I've done things I never thought I'd be able to accomplish. I've completely stopped all my lust-motivated behaviors! And in retrospect, I feel that maybe Hashem put me into the situation I was in, so that now, I could end up even healthier than I was before; with the capacity to truly feel good about myself, without feeling any hypocrisy, and without having my own self-pleasuring and fantasies get in the way of real relationships in my life. And most of all, to finally be able to connect with Hashem in a true way. I don't think it's any accident that my learning has improved so dramatically since I got clean.

I put all dating on hold, while I worked on getting clean. After being clean for several months, I began dating again. B"H, the very first girl I dated, I became engaged to. This was partially due to my new, healthier outlook, both towards life in general and towards myself. But I am absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's immediate response to my Teshuva.
===MAZAL TOV TO "KEDUSHA" Upon 6 Months Clean!===
<nowiki>#</nowiki>Kedusha

When I discovered GuardYourEyes, my life changed immensely. With the help of the anonymous forum, daily Chizuk e-mails, handbooks and, of course, G-d, I'm no longer ridden with guilt and, therefore, am in a much better position to work on being a good husband and father. Tremendous thanks - from me and my family!

I find that being clean and sober makes it much easier for me to sleep peacefully and wake up rejuvenated. It's hard to put a price on a good night's sleep, which is very important for our physical and mental health. For that alone, it is well worth it for me to stay clean. A good night's sleep is just one of the many fringe benefits of sobriety.

I've been feeling better about myself each day, and appreciating my wife, who I am noticing is far more beautiful than the forbidden images will ever be.

=== No more guilt ===
@Jack

My life is better. i can speak to my kids about Yiddishkeit without feeling like a hypocrite. i can sing zemiros at the shabbos table without feeling guilt. I can shake the rabbis hand without saying to myself - 'if he only knew'.... 
== More ==

===Beginning of a lifelong journey===
I started on Recovery when I was busted by my wife. I had been acting out for more than 30 years. That first night after I was busted, I went to sleep and I knew I was in big trouble with my wife. While lying in bed, I imagined myself in Beit Din Shel Mala at the end of my life. I was in the middle of a dark room surrounded by many people watching the Din. All of my acting out was played back and I felt a great dread that my Din was LeChova and there was absolutely no escape. I felt a deep fear. This was my rock bottom.

...Throughout the 90 days, I have worked hard on davening to Hashem for help. I have found that my relationship with Hashem has progressed from a Rasha who is trying to daven to an angry disapproving Master to that of a son who is davening to his loving Father. I used to come to shul on Friday night and ask myself how I can accept the Kedusha of Shabbat after all of the acting out I have done during the week. Now I come into shul, I feel clean, I feel the Kedusha of Shabbat and I feel the love of Hashem.
===One day, one step at a time===
<nowiki>#</nowiki>Onestepatatime

Wow, I did it! 90 days! [...] These past 90 days were very hard. Now that I am on the other side I feel like a whole new person. I feel better about myself. My self-esteem grew immensely. I will still take it one day at a time and Be”H the next thing I know I will be dancing with all of you in the front lines greeting Mashiach!
===I pray this success keeps up===
I am, B'H, now 28 days clean. I cannot begin to tell you how good I feel, B'H. No more ups and downs, no more depression. My business grew a lot. I'm guilt free. I became so much closer to my wife and kids.

<nowiki>#</nowiki>Sheva Yipol Tzadik
===Member 'Singularity' Reaches 90 Days Clean===
Hello, GYE!

I'm so excited for having reached this point and experiencing the cleanest, most honest and most growing 3 months in my entire life, or whatever I called "life" before now. Death, perhaps.

What helped me? The forum. The dedicated, constant posters, moderators and Dov, for always-open communication channels regardless of location and profession. The forum friends didn't preach chiddushim to me, but rather made me realize that which I already knew, and motivated me to take steps I was too scared to before.

...

I believe it's important to have a mitzvas Asei (exercise, learning, something positive) in tandem with the lo ta'aseh of refraining from lustful behaviours. I've tried the latter alone in the past, especially when focusing on it meant neglecting other areas, ie overeating and not exercising, and it has not been good for me. I grow better holistically.
*
===Victory over lust - one day at a time===
So many things in my life are improving that until I came to the program, I never realized how messed up they were. My relationship with my wife and kids is starting to develop in a great way (sad sentence, as I am married 5+ years and have 3 kids, but true). I am sober over 90 days but am starting to really be able to live "one day at a time." 

Yaakov
===GYE truly saved me===
by Ezra

"Ezra" posted on the forum:

I am in my 30's, have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this "struggle" for about 13 years. I got involved in online porn when I was in college. I started with small things that eventually led to watching things I never imagined I would look at. I couldn't stop and didn't want to. I thought marriage would help, but it didn't. I never really gave it a great effort to stop until now. I also learn daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught me twice, but being that I have developed a real provenience at hiding, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't happen again. The real kicker was last year. I was bored and stupid at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted. I decided then and there that I had enough. If I had gotten fired for that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what would have happened to my marriage. I was also having difficulty doing my work, which I attribute to difficulties associated with this problem.

...

I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of hitting day 60 yesterday. I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy.

...You GYE people truly saved me. I have a beautiful marriage and children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (''no one'' thinks they will ever get caught). That scares the heck out of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong. Thank g-d I never hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the ability to "hit bottom while still on top". I am at day 60!! And feeling great. I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin). THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!
===I Have Come Home===
by Ovadia

What does liberation mean to me?
*To go to work without constantly worrying (and knowing) am I going to act out today or will I be able to control myself?

*Leaving work without feeling relieved that I made it through the day without acting out or frustration/guilt because tit happened yet again.

*That I can go to sleep after my wife without diving for the ..... to act out.

*I have learned to focus and be happy with what I have, not with what I don't.

*That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.
Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.
===90 Days; One Hour at a Time===
by Loi Miyaeish

BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there again, without Hashem's help, it would not have been possible. For over a year, I've been working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart piece by piece, but I never made it yet to ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my life. More than one person has said to me recently, "you know, you just look so happy" without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a smile on my face, but they could feel the true joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet victories.

My story starts many years ago as a young kid, when lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery path that many others have taken; lust, porn, mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my web browser on my cell phone...