Articles Relating to the 12-Step Program - Revision history

The.guard: /* Mussar & the 12-Steps */

2021-02-15T08:43:59Z

Mussar & the 12-Steps

The.guard at 21:07, 9 February 2021

2021-02-09T21:07:26Z

The.guard at 20:01, 8 February 2021

2021-02-08T20:01:50Z

The.guard: /* To Thine Own Self Be True */

2021-02-08T19:53:01Z

To Thine Own Self Be True

The.guard: /* Twelve Steps and Yiddishkeit */

2021-02-08T19:52:02Z

Twelve Steps and Yiddishkeit

The.guard at 19:18, 8 February 2021

2021-02-08T19:18:32Z

The.guard at 19:15, 8 February 2021

2021-02-08T19:15:20Z

The.guard at 16:57, 7 February 2021

2021-02-07T16:57:25Z

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The.guard: The.guard moved page Twerski on GYE - Articles to Articles Relating to the 12-Step Program

2021-02-07T16:37:47Z

The.guard moved page Twerski on GYE - Articles to Articles Relating to the 12-Step Program

The.guard at 16:37, 7 February 2021

2021-02-07T16:37:05Z

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 == Mussar & the 12-Steps ==
-  Rabbi Twerski shared with me an article that he wrote for the website www.TorahWeb.org. It describes beautifully how the 12-Steps are derived from Torah principles, and it gives a clear summary of the 12-steps and how they apply to us as Frum Jews.
+  Rabbi Twerski shared with me an article that he wrote for the website TorahWeb.org in 2010. It describes beautifully how the 12-Steps are derived from Torah principles, and it gives a clear summary of the 12-steps and how they apply to us as Frum Jews.
 I found it interesting that on several occasions, the prophets reprimanded the people by comparing their errant behavior to that of alcoholics, e.g. "they were drunk, albeit not with wine; they staggered, albeit not with ale" (Isaiah 29:9). People sinned, giving in to the temptation for immediate pleasure, ignoring the long-term destructive consequences. This is typical of the alcoholic. All the rationalizations and psychological defense mechanisms that people use for committing a sin are similar to those used by the alcoholic.

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	''Recovery, in my experience so far, is about a different focus that the one I used to espouse. And that is why the '''"Yetzer Hara model"''' is useless to me and many other frum addicts who are sober today.''</blockquote>I think that Dov's statement that one needs to focus primarily on being with Hashem and doing what Hashem wants, and to stop preoccupation with the yetzer hara is valid. The rebbe of Kotzk said, "An aveira is like mud. Whichever way you handle the mud, you get dirty."		''Recovery, in my experience so far, is about a different focus that the one I used to espouse. And that is why the '''"Yetzer Hara model"''' is useless to me and many other frum addicts who are sober today.''</blockquote>I think that Dov's statement that one needs to focus primarily on being with Hashem and doing what Hashem wants, and to stop preoccupation with the yetzer hara is valid. The rebbe of Kotzk said, "An aveira is like mud. Whichever way you handle the mud, you get dirty."
		+
		+	== Step Three ==
		+	I began a small project once to apply the 12-Steps to the malady of "Selfism" that is the underlying cause for most human problems, especially addiction. I asked Rabbi Twerski:
		+	<blockquote>''"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of G-d '''as we understood Him'''." Among old-time 12-Steppers, there seems to be a lack of consensus on whether one can really work the steps without belief in G-d. Does the Rav think we should keep our Selfism project so universal that even those who don't believe in G-d can work it? My real goal/vision for this project is to bring humanity (and more importantly Jews) closer to G-dliness through this project. What are the Rav's thoughts?''</blockquote>In Step One we admitted that we had lost control over our lives. Our “self-will run riot” resulted in wholesale destruction—marriage, family, job, friends, social status. We could no longer run our lives, because our compass had gone crazy, and would lead us only to further disaster.
		+
		+	At one AA meeting, the speaker was an accomplished psychoanalyst, who said, “All my psychologic knowledge and treatment did not prevent alcohol from ruining my life. In desperation, I called AA. I was sitting in my kitchen, slumped over a cup of coffee, when this huge woman appeared in the doorway. ‘Did you call for help?’ she said. “I said, “Yes. Can you help me?” She said, “I will, if you’ll listen.” At that point, I, a training analyst, turned my life over to a fifth-grade dropout, who became my savior. After a brief talk, she said, “Go to the phone and cancel all your patients. You’re crazy!” I did just that.
		+
		+	“I became totally dependent on her. I called her several times a day, asking what I should do. After two weeks, she told me she was going to Memphis to a niece’s wedding, and I panicked. “What can I do if I can’t reach you? How will I know what to do?” She said, “Go out and ask someone on the street. Their judgment is going to be better than yours.”
		+
		+	“She was right. Alcohol had totally warped my judgment. Anyone’s judgment would be better than mine.”
		+
		+	Coming to the realization how unreliable our thinking is, we realized that only a power greater than us could lead us out of this mess. If you’re religious, that Power could be G-d. If you don’t believe in G-d, then let someone else decide for you until your mind returns to normal.

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	Sexual addiction is a deadly cancer that is a serious threat to the survival of Yiddishkeit. The Satan has the internet as a powerful weapon. Torah leaders must concentrate their efforts on how to instill ''yiras shamayim'' in “frum” people, and how to repel the ''yetzer hara.'' Whatever is being done at present is not sufficient.		Sexual addiction is a deadly cancer that is a serious threat to the survival of Yiddishkeit. The Satan has the internet as a powerful weapon. Torah leaders must concentrate their efforts on how to instill ''yiras shamayim'' in “frum” people, and how to repel the ''yetzer hara.'' Whatever is being done at present is not sufficient.
		+
		+	== Dov's Approach (Dov is an addict with many years of recovery) ==
		+	<blockquote>''I see little difference between being preoccupied with fighting lust, and lusting. For me, they inexorably lead to the same thing.''
		+
		+	'''''My job in recovery (after working my steps) is to focus on Hashem and being useful to Him. Anything else is a distraction, including lust/acting out. That's all.''' And I can't get distracted by lust, of all things, because if I do I won't be able to control it. So I can't struggle with lust any more than I can use it.''
		+
		+	''Recovery, in my experience so far, is about a different focus that the one I used to espouse. And that is why the '''"Yetzer Hara model"''' is useless to me and many other frum addicts who are sober today.''</blockquote>I think that Dov's statement that one needs to focus primarily on being with Hashem and doing what Hashem wants, and to stop preoccupation with the yetzer hara is valid. The rebbe of Kotzk said, "An aveira is like mud. Whichever way you handle the mud, you get dirty."

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	Sexual addiction is a deadly cancer that is a serious threat to the survival of Yiddishkeit. The Satan has the internet as a powerful weapon. Torah leaders must concentrate their efforts on how to instill ''yiras shamayim'' in “frum” people, and how to repel the ''yetzer hara.'' Whatever is being done at present is not sufficient.		Sexual addiction is a deadly cancer that is a serious threat to the survival of Yiddishkeit. The Satan has the internet as a powerful weapon. Torah leaders must concentrate their efforts on how to instill ''yiras shamayim'' in “frum” people, and how to repel the ''yetzer hara.'' Whatever is being done at present is not sufficient.
−
−	~~== To Thine Own Self Be True ==~~
−	Every so often there is a news item that research shows promise of a drug that can cure alcohol or drug addiction. Thus far, nothing like a cure has materialized. The possibility of a drug that will cure behavioral addictions such as compulsive gambling or sex addiction is even more remote.
−
−	But I have come across something that holds promise for all addictions, and it is surprisingly simple: TRUTH! I believe that if an addict commits to absolute truthfulness and adheres to this, and will not lie ''under any circumstances,'' not a white lie nor a lie of any color, he can beat the addiction. No rationalization can justify a lie, and one must be willing to be truthful even if it hurts. One must know that any lie ''constitutes a relapse.''
−
−	Lying is an integral component of addiction, just as coughing is to pneumonia. Unfortunately, lying in addiction is so habitual that the addict may not be aware that he is lying, and it requires great alertness and total honesty to live up to the commitment. Of course, one cannot lie to G-d or to oneself. I have found that it may be more difficult for an addict to abstain from lying than from his addiction.
−
−	~~Because of the propensity to lie, addicts cannot have sincere relationships. The latter require ''trust'', and there can be no trust in absence of truth.~~
−
−	~~I would like this to be put to the test. I have high hopes that it can work.~~

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 [[Twerski on GYE|Main Index]]
-== Twelve Steps and Yiddishkeit ==
+== Yiddishkeit and 12 Steps: The Rabbi's Opinion ==
   Rabbi Twerski once mentioned to me that it's not uncommon to hear of people who experience a decline in their religious observance as a result of their participation in 12-Step meetings. He wanted to address this phenomenon and sent me an article on the topic, along with some Q&A. Parts of the Q&A were published in his book "Teshuvah Through Recovery".
 A number of people have raised the issue of the relationship of the 12-step program to Yiddishkeit. Some have indicated that they were “frum” during their active addiction but that they dropped their Yiddishkeit during the program. In order to address these issues, I think I must tell you something about myself. I think that problems may arise because of distortions about both Yiddishkeit and the 12-steps. I gave some autobiography in “Generation to Generation” and in “Gevuros”.
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 ''Do you know how a volcano is formed? Deep down at the core of the earth, there is melted rock that is under extreme pressure. Over many centuries, this lava slowly makes its way through fissures in the earth’s crust to the surface. Once it breaks through the surface, the lava erupts.''
-''I believe that at the core of every human being there is a nucleus of self-respect and dignity. For a variety of reasons, this nucleus may be concealed and suppressed. Like the lava, it seeks to break through the surface and be recognized. Once it breaks through into a person’s awareness, one may feel, “I am too good to be acting this way. This behavior is beneath my dignity.” I think this is the “spiritual awakening” to which the twelfth step refers.''
+'''''I believe that at the core of every human being there is a nucleus of self-respect and dignity. For a variety of reasons, this nucleus may be concealed and suppressed. Like the lava, it seeks to break through the surface and be recognized. Once it breaks through into a person’s awareness, one may feel, “I am too good to be acting this way. This behavior is beneath my dignity.” I think this is the “spiritual awakening” to which the twelfth step refers.'''''
 ''I think that this is what happened to Isabel. For years she had been blind to her self-worth and saw nothing wrong with her alcoholic behavior. Then one day, the nucleus of self-respect that had been buried deep within her broke through the surface, and she realized that she had no right to demean herself.''
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 Because the program requires 90 meetings in 90 days. Doubling up and making 90 meetings in 45 days doesn’t work.

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	Having made a searching and fearless moral inventory, the program requires that we admit it to Hashem and to another human being. Rebbe Elimelech of Lizensk says that when you verbalize the wrongs that you’ve done, it breaks their hold on you. Furthermore, if you know that you will eventually have to reveal your actions to someone, that may restrain you from doing something wrong.		Having made a searching and fearless moral inventory, the program requires that we admit it to Hashem and to another human being. Rebbe Elimelech of Lizensk says that when you verbalize the wrongs that you’ve done, it breaks their hold on you. Furthermore, if you know that you will eventually have to reveal your actions to someone, that may restrain you from doing something wrong.
		+
		+	== Questions About the 12-Step Program (Oct 2008) ==
		+
		+	=== How does the 12-Step program coincide with me being frum? ===
		+	<blockquote>''I fail to understand how the program coincides with me being frum, let me explain, when I overcome any type yetzer hora I become closer to hashem and gain schar in olam haba, the same is true when working on my middos and definitely with fighting my sexual desires. I am not working on my sexual addiction purely as a physiological problem as a non-jew would but also as a frum Jew trying to do hashem's will. When working with the 12 step program, especially if I end up hooking up with a non Jewish sponsor, I will not be working on my problem as a Jew. I feel it's like if I were having a problem with my emunah in hashem or my davening needed chizuk and I went to a Christian support group giving chizuk in our belief in god and praying but we would be discussing two separate gods (me as Jew and they as christians).''</blockquote>Years ago, a person in recovery requested that I develop a recovery program based on our sifrei mussar. I wrote the book "Self Improvement? I’m Jewish!", which is such a program. At the end of the book I say, “Now turn the page and read the 12 steps.” The two are essentially identical. However, instead of the phrase “G-d, as I understand Him” we would say Hashem.
		+
		+	A non-Jewish sponsor can guide you through working the steps, but any issue involving Yiddishkeit should be taken up with a Rav who understands the 12 step program. The sponsor is not providing chizuk in emunah, but may show you how to put your emunah to use. In JACS there are a number of haredi Jews who have no problem following the 12 step program. Obviously, in forming a circle, one should not hold hands with a woman. One can station oneself between two men.
		+
		+	* I have attended many mussar shiurim. Everybody understands the importance of mussar, but I doubt if many people walk away with the feeling, "If I deviate from this, I'm dead!" A person sincere in recovery realizes that his very life depends on following the program, not theoretically, but very practically. If people would accept mussar that way, it would work.
		+	* No one in any mussar shiur I attended has ever spoken up and said, "I tried to do things my way, and I fell right back into my old ways." That helps bring home the message that one's life depends on following the program.
		+	* I don't recall anyone in a mussar shiur being so touched that they began to cry. It happens often in the 12 step program.
		+	* No one in a mussar shiur shares strength, hope and courage.
		+
		+	These things are what makes the difference.
		+
		+	=== Why can't I find a single mussar sefer that talks about addiction? ===
		+	<blockquote>''Why can't I find a single mussar sefer that talks about the concept of addiction? Yes, you will probably find certain ideas in seforim that match the concept of the 12 steps and maybe even addiction, but the idea of being struck with a disease is clearly just not out there in mussar seforim. Chaza"l understood the human mind and the yetzer hora much better then any psychologist but the seforim only talk about the old fashion way of just not doing aveiros and holding yourself back, there are no 12 steps, diseases, methods etc. in the words of chazal. I heard you talk about the fact that you found all of the 12 steps in Sharie Teshuva and the Rambam on the phone conference and I actually looked them up but they definitely do not clearly give you these as tools and don't mention the concept of addiction.'' ''It really bothers me that as a frum Jew, I can't find salvation in the torah but have to turn to modern psychology for new ideas and the 12 step program, a concept indirectly (or directly) related to Christianity as if Judaism does not cater to this type or strength of a yetzer hora.''</blockquote>In my meager knowledge of the sifrei mussar, I have not found a structured method on addiction, although the principles are all there.
		+
		+	I surmise that the widespread addictive use of drugs did not exist when the sifrei mussar were written. Actually, the epidemic of drug use in the secular world is a rather recent (20th century) phenomenon, or at least if drug addiction did exist, it was well concealed. Alcohol use was more common, yet never reached current proportions.
		+
		+	The aphorism “shikker vi a goy” (drunk as a gentile) is no longer valid, but I suspect that in earlier days, the opprobrium of shikker was so intense that it suppressed addictive use of alcohol. There were a few shikkurim who were social outcasts. Alcoholism as we know it, i.e. functioning alcoholics may have existed in greater numbers, but this too was concealed.
		+
		+	Obviously the incidence of excessive drinking among Jews has increased. As recently as 50 years ago, country clubs did not take on Jewish weddings or Bar Mitzvahs, because they make their money on alcohol rather than on food. Today they actively solicit Jewish events.
		+
		+	Whereas forbidden sexual activity certainly occurred, I doubt that the phenomenon of sexual addiction was ever brought to the attention of the authors of sifrei mussar.
		+
		+	=== How does "Turning our will over to G-d" work? ===
		+	<blockquote>''I have read books and a lot online on the 12 step program. The two main recovery components of the 12 step program are group support, which I could definitely benefit from and steps one, two and three where we realize we are powerless, realize only god could help and we turn over our will to god. Can you explain how this works, I am sitting in front of my computer with a enormous urge to browse or masturbate, how do I suddenly turn over my will to god and how does it help? Is it in the mind? What changes that I can all of a sudden control myself?''</blockquote>It is of great interest that the 12 step program requires “practicing these principles in all our affairs.” One cannot isolate alcohol, drugs or sex and address only these behaviors. The program requires a comprehensive moral inventory and a sincere attempt at eliminating one’s character defects. Successful recovery requires an overhaul of one’s character.
		+
		+	One AA speaker, on the occasion of his 20th anniversary of sobriety began with, “The man I once was drank, and the man I once was will drink again.” Successful recovery requires emergence of a new person.
		+
		+	The Talmud says that a single verse which encapsulates the entire Torah is “Know G-d in all your ways” (Proverbs 3:6). All authorities, from Rambam down, explain that not only must one observe the mitzvos of the Torah, but all one’s actions should be “Torahdig.” A person who indulges in everything that the Torah permits is referred to as “a vulgar person within the confines of Torah law” (Ramban Leviticus 19:2). Just as it is a violation of Torah to eat chazzer (pork), it is also a violation to eat strictly kosher food like a chazzer (hog). A person is required to eat Torahdig, sleep Torahdig, transact Torahdig and cohabit Torahdig.
		+
		+	Turning over one’s will to the will of Hashem cannot be exercised when one is faced with temptation. From the time one awakes until one retires one must live Torahdig. Just dressing haredi and wearing a beard haredi and even davening haredi is not yet a Torahdig life style, and will not discourage addiction.
		+
		+	It is not easy to turn all of one’s life over to Hashem, but this is what the 12-step program requires and what Torah requires. “Half measures avail us nothing,” and for that matter, 95% measures also avail us nothing. “Know G-d in all your ways”
		+
		+	=== Can one work the steps without the meetings? ===
		+	<blockquote>''Will working the 12 steps by myself (books, online etc.) without going to meetings work? Or if I find another way of group support (a partner or the website) without using the 12 steps, will that work, is it worth a try?''</blockquote>Group support is vital. Let’s compare it to tefillah, which should be b'tzibur (with a minyan). The sefarim say that davening with a minyan with little kavanah (concentration) is superior to davening alone with much kavannah. In practice, failure to attend meetings is generally unsuccessful. If you are not going to use the 12 steps, what are you going to use? As pointed out, a mussar approach is very similar to the 12 steps.
		+
		+	=== Won't I learn worse things in the meetings? ===
		+	<blockquote>''As of today, b'h my only problem is mainly masturbation and porn, I am concerned of hearing people speak of their experiences with other women and I will get too many good ideas at the meetings and begin exploring those ideas. Also, I have heard that people attending the 12 steps sometimes get turned on by hearing other women talk about their sexual obsessions (I heard of a guy who hooked up with a women at the meeting, dunno if it's true), this concerns me too.''</blockquote>There is indeed the risk of “crazy house romances.” Single gender meetings on sexual addiction is most advisable. There is also a risk of exploring the ideas one may hear.
		+
		+	There are deaths due to antibiotics or surgery, yet this risk does not stop people from availing themselves of the most effective medical treatment.
		+
		+	=== What if someone recognizes me? ===
		+	<blockquote>''I am afraid of being seen or recognized. Let's face it, disease or not, it's frowned upon and people (especially in the frum community) do judge. This is something I am willing and realize I need to compromise on but I would like to hear your perspective on this.''</blockquote>The fear of being recognized is understandable, but the only people who will recognize you are those who have your problem. Your secret is their secret. It is highly unlikely that one will tell a friend “guess whom I saw at an SA meeting.”
		+
		+	Addictions are usually progressive. Physicians who resisted attending AA or NA meetings for fear of being recognized are almost invariably exposed when their loss of control leads to behavior that is a public disclosure in a far worse way. I believe this is also true of sexual addiction.

	== Mussar & the 12-Steps ==		== Mussar & the 12-Steps ==

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	This why the Rambam continues, that with this kind of teshuva, the person can say, "I am no longer the same person that committed that sin" (ibid. 2:4).		This why the Rambam continues, that with this kind of teshuva, the person can say, "I am no longer the same person that committed that sin" (ibid. 2:4).
		+
		+	== 90 Days in Chazal ==
		+	The 12 Step program has a special chip for 90 days sober. They also encourage 90 meetings in 90 days. In a light-hearted vein, Rabbi Twerski sent this to us:
		+	The transformation that occurred at Yetzias Mitzrayim, from a slave mentality to the spirituality of “naaseh venishma” was miraculous. How did it occur? With the mitzvah of Sefira, taking it "one day at a time".
		+
		+	Why then, was there so great a failure at the episode of the golden calf? Perhaps because it was only 49 days, not 90.
		+
		+	Bnei Yissaschar notes that the giving of the Torah was a “wedding”, a union of Hashem and Klal Yisrael. Prior thereto, the Jews had been bound to the avoda zara of Egypt. He then asks, the halacha says that a widow or divorcee must wait 90 days before taking a new husband. Shouldn't there have been a 90 day waiting period before Mattan Torah?
		+
		+	He answers that beginning with the 7th day of Sefira, we do a ‘double count,:” e.g., “today is seven days, which is one week. Today is 11 days, which is one week plus four days. Thus we count six single days, and 43 “double days.” The double days = 43 x 2 = 86, plus 6 single days, so you have more than the requisite 90.
		+
		+	(Rabbi Twerski then adds in jest:) But if so, why did they relapse to the avoda zara of the golden calf?
		+
		+	Because the program requires 90 meetings in 90 days. Doubling up and making 90 meetings in 45 days doesn’t work.

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