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The.guard: /* The last gasp of a drowning soul (Hamodia) */

2021-03-03T15:47:01Z

The last gasp of a drowning soul (Hamodia)

The.guard: /* Question 3: Not lying - for what reason? */

2021-02-24T09:35:45Z

Question 3: Not lying - for what reason?

The.guard: /* Do I need the program, or is Yiras Shamayim enough? (Hamodia) */

2021-02-23T17:27:05Z

Do I need the program, or is Yiras Shamayim enough? (Hamodia)

The.guard at 17:26, 23 February 2021

2021-02-23T17:26:49Z

The.guard at 17:24, 23 February 2021

2021-02-23T17:24:20Z

The.guard at 17:15, 23 February 2021

2021-02-23T17:15:44Z

The.guard: /* Coming to Terms with low Self-Esteem (torahweb.org) */

2021-02-23T17:13:05Z

Coming to Terms with low Self-Esteem (torahweb.org)

The.guard: /* Question 1: Why do people inherently have low self esteem? */

2021-02-23T17:10:46Z

Question 1: Why do people inherently have low self esteem?

The.guard at 17:09, 23 February 2021

2021-02-23T17:09:13Z

The.guard at 16:34, 23 February 2021

2021-02-23T16:34:41Z

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 ''I read all The Jewish Observer articles on the evils of the internet. I want this letter to be published to say, you have no idea how prevalent and far reaching the effect already has been, and will continue to be. What you do see is less than the tip of the iceberg. My question to you is, how do I get out? Is this a behavioral addiction that only a psychologist could help? Can I turn to a rebbi (and avoid involving my parents)? Or is there a way I can help myself? Without being overdramatic, you are reading the last gasp of a drowning soul.''</blockquote>
   Below is Rabbi Twerski's initial response to this letter. However, Rabbi Twerski read out this letter at a parlor meeting for GYE in 2010 and commented as follows (transcript word for word):
-<blockquote>I had nothing to answer him. GuardYourEyes wasn't around then. This was before GYE's time. If I get this letter tomorrow, or something like this, I have an answer to him. There are very few people to whom I can refer to in terms of therapy, but even a good therapist in addiction can do nothing without a powerful support group. That's the nature of addiction. That's true of alcohol, of drugs, of food addiction, of compulsive gambling, of sexual addiction, and it's true of this. But to make matters worse, we don't have many therapists that are adequately trained for this. And if I get a letter like this tomorrow, I have where to send them to. This letter was extremely provoking to me because I felt helpless. But that was years ago. But now I can do something about it. Baruch Hashem we have Guardyoureyes. </blockquote>
+<blockquote>I had nothing to answer him. GuardYourEyes wasn't around then. This was before GYE's time. If I get this letter tomorrow, or something like this, I have an answer to him. There are very few people to whom I can refer to in terms of therapy, but even a good therapist in addiction can do nothing without a powerful support group. That's the nature of addiction. That's true of alcohol, of drugs, of food addiction, of compulsive gambling, of sexual addiction, and it's true of this. But to make matters worse, we don't have many therapists that are adequately trained for this. And if I get a letter like this tomorrow, I have where to send them to. This letter was extremely provoking to me because I felt helpless. But that was years ago. But now I can do something about it. Baruch Hashem we have Guardyoureyes.
-==== Rabbi Twerski's initial response: ====
+Having had some experience in addiction, I know that addictions never stay still; they always progress and get worse. And unfortunately, in many addictions – in alcohol and in drugs, we can’t do anything until the person hits bottom. He has to get into some kind of crisis. Unfortunately, I know the crisis is going to come, and again unfortunately, by the time the crisis comes, the family life may be over with. The number of divorces that are happening because women feel betrayed because their husbands are looking at pornography (is very high). It’s very, very difficult for that kind of wound to heal.
 The community owes you a debt of gratitude for your courage in bringing up a very severe problem. Your personal experience strongly reinforces the alarm by the Gedolei haTorah about the dangers of the internet. The words of Shlomo HaMelech certainly apply here: “Those who go there do not return; they will not reach ways of life” (Mishlei 2:19).

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 Not surprisingly, many referrals to mental health workers are made by Rabbanim, who realize that the person’s emotional problems are beyond what they can do for them. Some referrals come from ''Roshei Yeshivah'' and Chassidic Rebbes.
-=== Question 3: Not lying - for what reason? ===
+=== Question 3: Not lying - but for what ''reason''? ===
 <blockquote>''Rabbi Twerski says in his book that he stopped lying not because of Torah but because of psychology. He says that he learned that lying doesn’t work. Where does the Torah prohibition of not lying fit in to his worldview?''</blockquote>I wish that we all observed ''midvar sheker tirchak'' not only to avoid lying but also to ''distance'' oneself from lying. If one understands ''lo teshakru'' (Vayikra 19:11) to mean “you shall not lie,” one may find a reason to justify lying under certain circumstances. When the Rebbe of Kotzk, ''zt”l'' was told that someone stole something, he asked,  “How can that be? The Torah says, ‘''Lo tignov'',’ which means ‘you ''cannot'' steal.’”

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 [[Twerski on GYE|Main Index]]
-== Do I need the program, or is Yiras Shamayim enough? (Hamodia) ==
+== Do I need the program or is Yiras Shamayim enough? (Hamodia) ==
 <blockquote>''Thank you for your advice and clarity on many pertinent issues. Your responses are so on target and helpful. A recent query discussed the problem with control over internet use. Your position was that although people claim that it is beyond their ability to control themselves, it is not quite so. If one would be threatened by gunpoint to either touch the computer or be shot, one would have the ability to control oneself. If one has no control, what is truly missing is yiras Shamayim, fear of the all-seeing G-d.''

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		+
		+	== Do I need the program, or is Yiras Shamayim enough? (Hamodia) ==
		+	<blockquote>''Thank you for your advice and clarity on many pertinent issues. Your responses are so on target and helpful. A recent query discussed the problem with control over internet use. Your position was that although people claim that it is beyond their ability to control themselves, it is not quite so. If one would be threatened by gunpoint to either touch the computer or be shot, one would have the ability to control oneself. If one has no control, what is truly missing is yiras Shamayim, fear of the all-seeing G-d.''
		+
		+	''So my question is: I’ve been a member in Overeaters Anonymous for some time, where we study the Big Book and work the 12 Steps, where we’re told that we’re powerless over food, and it is not in our control at all. It is a progressive disease that one cannot overcome but needs to give it over to G-d and trust in His help. All this I can understand. But we’re also told that one needs to remain in the program strongly, or else one succumbs to the addiction again.''
		+
		+	''So is this true – that nothing helps, only staying in the framework of OA or similar programs? Or does being a yerei Shamayim and working on oneself in Emunah and self-control eventually get the person to a place of balance and the ability to control oneself from compulsive eating?''
		+
		+	''This issue has been bothering me for a long time, and I question if it is a Torah view that we’re powerless over food, and control can only be achieved through staying in the program indefinitely.'' </blockquote>I was once asked, “Why do I need a 12-step recovery? Why can’t we just use the teachings of ''mussar'' for recovery?” I then wrote a book, ''Self-Improvement? I’m Jewish,'' proposing a recovery program based on ''mussar.'' At the end I suggested reading the 12 steps. The program based on ''mussar'' is identical to the 12 steps!
		+
		+	Why, then, doesn’t the study of ''mussar'' suffice? Because at all the ''mussar shiurim'' I attended, the concepts are well accepted, but I don’t think that anyone leaves the room with the feeling, “If I deviate from what I learned here, I’ll die!” The idea that ''vechayei olam nata besocheinu'' is not taken literally, that “If I deviate from Torah, I’m dead”! Not figuratively, but actually dead!
		+
		+	That’s where the 12-step program is different. One realizes that one’s very life depends on it, literally. If one took ''mussar'' to heart that sincerely, it would be an excellent recovery program. That is the way Rav Yisrael of Salant, ''zt”l'', intended ''mussar'' to be learned.
		+
		+	The Talmud states that our ''yetzer hara'' is so powerful that without the help of Hashem, we could never resist it. In other words, without the help of Hashem, we are powerless. This is something we should never forget. But the ''yetzer hara'' tries to tell us otherwise, and that is why we must constantly be reminded, in our first week and in our fiftieth year of recovery, that without the help of Hashem, we are powerless.
		+
		+	The group experience is important. Just as, ''lehavdil, tefillah betzibbur'' is superior to davening alone, and learning in a group is superior to learning alone, so also, fighting against a common enemy, whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling or excessive food, is more effective when done together with other people fighting the same battle, as the ''navi'' Yeshayahu says, “To one’s brother, one says ‘Be strong!”’
		+
		+	Of course, when enlisting the help of Hashem, we must turn to our Torah sources to strengthen our ''Emunah'' and ''yiras Shamayim''. When we have the help of Hashem, we gain power from His Infinite Power.
		+
		+	The battle against the against the ''yetzer hara'' never ends, nor does the battle against any destructive addiction.

	== Combatting Low Self-Esteem (Hamodia) ==		== Combatting Low Self-Esteem (Hamodia) ==

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		+
		+	== Combatting Low Self-Esteem (Hamodia) ==
		+	To someone suffering from low self esteem, Rabbi Twerski writes:
		+	The Torah relates that when the ''meraglim'' returned from Eretz Canaan, they said that the land was inhabited by giants. “We appeared in our own eyes like grasshoppers, and that is how we appeared to them” (''Bamidbar'' 13:33).
		+
		+	Chiddushei HaRim comments that the Torah is telling us that the way a person feels about himself is how he thinks other people perceive him.
		+
		+	This is the most important psychological insight. A person does not think he may be hallucinating or delusional. A person feels that what he sees as reality is in fact reality, and does not doubt the validity of his perception.
		+
		+	If a person thinks of himself as being small, he is certain that others see him as small. Similarly, if he thinks of himself as dull, unattractive, unlikable and inadequate, he is certain that this is what he is and that others see him as such.
		+
		+	In my books, I have repeatedly pointed out that many people’s self-concept is erroneous, and that they have unwarranted negative feelings about themselves.
		+
		+	In ''Angels Don’t Leave Footprints'' I pointed out that these erroneous feelings about oneself are the work of the ''yetzer hara.''
		+
		+	The Talmud says that the ''yetzer hara'' constantly tries to destroy a person (''Kedushin 30''), and I believe it does so by crushing him, making him feel inferior and worthless.
		+
		+	It takes away the initiative to accomplish, causes a person to be paralyzed by fear of failure, and makes him lose confidence in his ability to live up to all the Torah’s requirements.
		+
		+	If you thought better about yourself, you would feel that people relate to you because they value and enjoy your friendship, rather then that they are doing ''chessed'' with you.
		+
		+	We are all better people than we take credit for. Certainly, we may have some character defects, but we should have the confidence that we can improve upon them. The famous ''baal mussar'' Reb Yeruchem Levovitz, ''zt”l'', said, “Woe unto the person who is not aware of his character defects, but much worse is the person who is not aware of his character strengths”.
		+
		+	We can defend ourselves against the ''yetzer hara’s'' efforts to crush us by working towards a true self-awareness. Harav Shlomo Wolbe, ''zt”l'', has a section on self-awareness in volume 1 of ''Alei Shur''.
		+
		+	In ''Ten Steps to Being Your Best'', I suggest a method to build self-esteem. This will not only change how you feel about how others relate to you, but can relieve you of some of the self-defeating things we do as a result of an erroneous self-concept.
		+
		+	== Shame vs. Guilt (Hamodia) ==
		+	Although a person should have a sense of self-esteem by virtue of his ''neshamah'', and because we are all children of Hashem, this applies when a person lives properly and does what is required of him. If a person is disabled and can do very little, he should not lose a sense of worthiness.
		+
		+	However, if a person lives a profligate life and does not act as behooves a child of Hashem, there is little reason for him to feel worthy unless he does teshuvah and redeems himself. The Talmud tells us about Elazar ben Dordia, who lived in sin all his life but at the end recognized how wrong he had been and wept so bitterly over his sins that he died while crying, and a heavenly voice declared that with his ''teshuvah'' he merited Gan Eden.
		+
		+	We generally use the words “shame” and “guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did,” meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person ''did'', and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead to ''teshuvah'', to take corrective action.
		+
		+	Shame, however, is about what one feels he ''is''. In other words, guilt is “I made a mistake,” whereas shame is “I ''am'' a mistake.” If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff,” there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame.
		+
		+	For whatever reason, a person may have shame and feel that he is inherently bad. A parent may have said, “You’re a rotten kid” or used other terms that cause a child to feel not that he ''did'' something but that he was in essence bad. A person who has that feeling cannot have self-esteem, and he may behave according to his belief that he is bad and that nothing can change that. There is no reason to think that this person will do ''teshuvah''.
		+
		+	That is why every person should feel that he is a child of Hashem, with a holy ''neshamah''. People who feel shame should seek help to overcome this destructive feeling.
		+
		+	In our prayers we often use the term ''Avinu'', our Father, to refer to Hashem. Remembering that we are Hashem’s children should give us a basic feeling of worthiness, and the knowledge that if, as fallible humans, we have made mistakes, we are able to redeem ourselves.

	== Hamodia Column #1 ==		== Hamodia Column #1 ==

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 [[Twerski on GYE|Main Index]]
-== Hamodia Column ==
+== Hamodia Column #1 ==
 === Question 1: Why do people inherently have low self esteem? ===

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 Emotional disorders may be roughly classified into two groups. (1) Disorders thought to be primarily of biochemical origin, such as depression and related conditions. These are generally treated with psychotropic medications, and the results are often dramatic. (2) Disorders thought to be of psychological origin, which may not respond to medication, and whose treatment is primarily psychotherapy. Of course, there are hybrid cases where both factors are involved.
-<s>Psychotherapy may be prolonged. Typically, the therapist seeks to uncover experiences in the client's past which may have impacted on one's emotions. Using various techniques, the therapist tries to correct faulty impressions and undo their effect.</s>
+Psychotherapy may be prolonged. Typically, the therapist seeks to uncover experiences in the client's past which may have impacted on one's emotions. Using various techniques, the therapist tries to correct faulty impressions and undo their effect.
-<s>While the majority of clients are satisfied with the results of therapy, there is still an appreciable number who feel that the therapy leaves something to be desired. Although the primary symptoms were relieved, they may complain of a poorly defined residual uneasiness if not frank depression, which does not respond to anti-depression medication. This may affect domestic and social relations as well as education and occupation.</s>
+While the majority of clients are satisfied with the results of therapy, there is still an appreciable number who feel that the therapy leaves something to be desired. Although the primary symptoms were relieved, they may complain of a poorly defined residual uneasiness if not frank depression, which does not respond to anti-depression medication. This may affect domestic and social relations as well as education and occupation.
-<s>While the presenting symptoms may improve, it is clear that the client is still not back to 100% emotional health, and the therapist realizes that there is little more he can do. He may begin to think of the client as having a personality disorder, albeit not well-defined.</s> I found myself diagnosing many clients as suffering from "low self-esteem." In 1978 I wrote a book, ''Like Yourself, and Others Will, Too,'' aimed at improving one's self concept.
+While the presenting symptoms may improve, it is clear that the client is still not back to 100% emotional health, and the therapist realizes that there is little more he can do. He may begin to think of the client as having a personality disorder, albeit not well-defined. I found myself diagnosing many clients as suffering from "low self-esteem." In 1978 I wrote a book, ''Like Yourself, and Others Will, Too,'' aimed at improving one's self concept.
 Conventional wisdom is that low self-esteem is generally due to poor parenting, i.e., failure of the parents to show adequate appreciation of the child, or deprivation of love due to circumstances, such as parental absence or illness. There are a host of negative occurrences that can cause a child to lose faith in oneself. Therapy may be able to reinterpret traumatic events and build self-confidence.

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 === Question 1: Why do people inherently have low self esteem? ===
-<blockquote>''I found a comment of Rabbi Twerski in a recent interview disturbing. To say that 99.9% of people don’t like themselves is outrageous, for the reality and Torah sources directly contradict that.'' </blockquote>Your comment “to say that 99% of people don’t like themselves is outrageous,” is quite correct. It is 100%. People can emerge from this state only by serious work on their character traits. Let us see why this is so.
+<blockquote>''I found a comment of Rabbi Twerski in a recent interview disturbing. To say that 99.9% of people don’t like themselves is outrageous, for the reality and Torah sources directly contradict that.'' </blockquote>Your comment that it is "outrageous" is quite correct. It is not 99%, it is 100%. People can emerge from this state only by serious work on their character traits. Let us see why this is so.
 The Talmud says, “A person’s ''yetzer hara'' grows stronger and renews itself every day and seeks to destroy him” (''Kiddushin'' 30). Every person has a ''yetzer hara'' – you, I, and the greatest ''tzaddikim''.

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		+
		+	== Hamodia Column ==
		+
		+	=== Question 1: Why do people inherently have low self esteem? ===
		+	<blockquote>''I found a comment of Rabbi Twerski in a recent interview disturbing. To say that 99.9% of people don’t like themselves is outrageous, for the reality and Torah sources directly contradict that.'' </blockquote>Your comment “to say that 99% of people don’t like themselves is outrageous,” is quite correct. It is 100%. People can emerge from this state only by serious work on their character traits. Let us see why this is so.
		+
		+	The Talmud says, “A person’s ''yetzer hara'' grows stronger and renews itself every day and seeks to destroy him” (''Kiddushin'' 30). Every person has a ''yetzer hara'' – you, I, and the greatest ''tzaddikim''.
		+
		+	What is the ''yetzer hara''? The Torah says, “A person comes into the world as a wild mule” (''Iyov'', 11:12). In other words, we are born with all the character traits, impulses and desires of a wild animal. We are given a ''neshamah'' that enables us, if we put it to work, to transform these traits into ''kedushah''.
		+
		+	The ''Tiferes Yisrael'' (end of ''Kiddushin'') cites a ''Midrash'' that a desert king heard about the greatness of Moshe Rabbeinu, and sent his artists to the Israelite encampment to draw a picture of Moshe. When they returned, he submitted the portrait to his physiognomists, who could tell a person’s character by looking at his face. They told him that this was a portrait of a man who was vain, selfish, murderous, gluttonous, intolerant and lustful. This was so contradictory to what he had heard about Moshe Rabbeinu that he decided to see for himself.
		+
		+	When the king met Moshe, he saw that the portrait was accurate to the very last hair. He confronted Moshe with the problem, and Moshe told him that the physiognomists were correct. What they can see in a person’s face are the traits with which one was born. Moshe Rabbeinu explained that what they said about him was true, in that he was born with those loathsome traits. However, using the strengths of his ''neshamah'', he was able to eliminate some of them and transform others into desirable traits, such as lust for Hashem, hatred of evil, intolerance of injustice, etc.
		+
		+	We all have a ''yetzer hara'', with the inborn traits of a “wild mule.” Imagine what work it takes to deal with these. ''Mesillas Yesharim'' and ''Tanya'' say that we are engaged in a lifelong struggle with the ''yetzer hara''. ''Tzaddikim'' with their unrelenting work, succeed in defeating the ''yetzer hara''.
		+
		+	In a letter to a young man who complained about his difficulty with this struggle, Hagoan Harav Yitzchok Hutner ''zt”l'', said, “Do you think the Chofetz Chaim was born a ''tzaddik''? Do you realize the intensity of his struggle and how many times he fell and picked himself up until he became the great ''tzaddik'' that he was?” Every night, the Chofetz Chaim would open the ''Aron Kodesh'' and pray tearfully that Hashem should remove his feelings of anger. The Chofetz Chaim never manifested anger, because he was in total control of his behavior, but he could not eliminate his feelings, and asked Hashem to remove his undesirable feelings.
		+
		+	So, you and I and every other person have this “wild mule” within us. I have not seen too many people cry into the ''Aron Kodesh'' for Hashem to help them eliminate some of these inborn traits. And if you were to tell people that they have these odious traits, they would be deeply insulted. I think that with the exception of our great ''tzaddikim'', who achieved the transformation that Moshe did, most people have this “wild mule” inside of them. True, we don’t behave like wild mules, because we have been disciplined and trained to control our behavior, but as all the ''sifrei mussar'' point out, the ''shoresh'' of these traits remain with us.
		+
		+	Harav Shlomo Wolbe, ''zt”l'', whose understanding of human nature was profound, says that these feelings remain in our ''tat-hakarah'', our subconscious mind. Because we are generally not aware of them, we cannot transform them, and lurking in the subconscious, they affect our behavior in ways we may not recognize. Not infrequently, they emerge into our awareness, and we quickly banish them into the unconscious. How much self-esteem can one have with any awareness that one has “wild mule” traits? Yet, it is only by allowing ourselves to become aware of them and transforming or uprooting them that we can get self-esteem.
		+
		+	So the ''yetzer hara'', as the Talmud says, regularly seeks to destroy a person and does so by utilizing one’s “wild mule” components to give one a feeling of unworthiness. People deal with this in any number of ways. Rabbeinu Yona says that a ''baal gaavah'' is a person who thinks himself to be superior in order to overcome his feelings of lowliness. The person who speaks ''lashon hara'' thinks himself to be a better person by berating others.
		+
		+	The ''sifrei mussar'' and ''Chassidus'' say that the ''yetzer hara'' tries to crush a person either by making him a ''baal gaavah'', as Rabbeinu Yonah says, or by making him feel inept. “What’s the use of my trying? I can’t succeed anyway.” Depression, they say, may be the result of ''gaavah'', with the person feeling that he deserves more than he has, and is depressed by his feeling of being deprived of what he deserves. The person who seeks to control others, whether it is an abusive spouse or parent, tries to overcome the feeling of lowliness by controlling others, which makes one feel superior.
		+
		+	There should be no need to be a ''baal gaavah'', to speak ''lashon hara'' or to control other people. We are all better people than we think we are, and this is clearly pointed out in the chapter on h''akaras atzmo'' (self-awareness) in vol. 1 of ''Alei Shur'' by Rav Wolbe.
		+
		+	=== Question 2: Yetzer Hara or Disease? ===
		+	<blockquote>''Rabbi Twerski insists that weaknesses we used to call listening to our yetzer hara are actually diseases that need to be treated by medical doctors instead of our spiritual mentors.''</blockquote>That listening to the yetzer hara is a disease is clearly described by Rambam in ''Shemona Perakim'' as ''cholei nefesh'', and is not an invention by psychologists. Ideally the treatment of ''cholei nefesh'' should be by ''talmidei chachamim'', and ''Gedolim'' such as Harav Elyahu Dessler, ''zt”l'', and Rav Wolbe have done so. The writings of the Steipler Gaon, ''zt”l'', are a treatment for ''cholei nefesh''. The Steipler’s manual on OCD is an excellent example: “''Nerven is nisht frumkeit''”.
		+
		+	There are, of course, some types of mental illness such as bipolar and postpartum that are the result of physical-chemical changes within the body that require psychiatric treatment.
		+
		+	Not surprisingly, many referrals to mental health workers are made by Rabbanim, who realize that the person’s emotional problems are beyond what they can do for them. Some referrals come from ''Roshei Yeshivah'' and Chassidic Rebbes.
		+
		+	=== Question 3: Not lying - for what reason? ===
		+	<blockquote>''Rabbi Twerski says in his book that he stopped lying not because of Torah but because of psychology. He says that he learned that lying doesn’t work. Where does the Torah prohibition of not lying fit in to his worldview?''</blockquote>I wish that we all observed ''midvar sheker tirchak'' not only to avoid lying but also to ''distance'' oneself from lying. If one understands ''lo teshakru'' (Vayikra 19:11) to mean “you shall not lie,” one may find a reason to justify lying under certain circumstances. When the Rebbe of Kotzk, ''zt”l'' was told that someone stole something, he asked, “How can that be? The Torah says, ‘''Lo tignov'',’ which means ‘you ''cannot'' steal.’”
		+
		+	Sadly, many people find rationalizations, why it is permissible to lie under certain circumstances. The ideal understanding of ''lo teshakru'' is not “you shall not lie,” but “you ''cannot'' lie.” I was privileged to realize that ''lo teshakru'' means “you ''cannot'' lie,” so I stopped justifying lying.
		+
		+	=== Question 4: Is spirituality dependent on religion? ===
		+	<blockquote>''In Rabbi Twerski’s book, “I’d like to call for help, but I don’t know the number”, he writes, shockingly, “I do not mean to be harsh with religion because it has so much to offer. Yet I cannot deny that some of the principles of religion may find greater expression in AA” and “it is my hope to demonstrate that spirituality need not be dependent on religion.” These statement by a Rabbi are a chillul Hashem! Furthermore, we have yet to see objective evidence that 12-step programs, which Rabbi Twerski espouses, are the ultimate solution to our many problems.''</blockquote>The book ''I’d Like to Call for Help But I Don’t Know the Number'' was written for the non-Jewish alcoholic and drug addict. The book ''Twerski on Spirituality'' was for Jews.
		+
		+	Yet, I must inform you, that I have had fine, ''frum talmidei chachamim'' and chassidim who were in every way ''chassidish,'' some of whom could quote ''Mesillas Yesharim'' by heart, who fell into the trap of alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive gambling and internet addiction. The reason for this is that their learning of ''mussar'' was superficial, not as Harav Yisrael Salant, ''zt”l'' proposed.
		+
		+	What happens to them when they go to AA? First of all, they must recognize that as the Talmud says, “A person’s ''yetzer hara'' grows stronger and renews itself every day and seeks to destroy him, and without the help of ''Hashem,'' one cannot overcome it.” One must pray diligently for ''siyatta diShmaya''. Secondly one must do what ''Pirkei Avos'' says (2:4): “Make Hashem’s Will your will, and annul your will before His Will.”
		+
		+	One must realize that giving in to his own will was what brought him to disaster. Then one must make a regular ''cheshbon hanefesh'' and, as the Rebbe Reb Elimelech of Lizhensk, ''zt”l'' says, reveal to a trusted friend every act one has done and even one’s thoughts, because by doing so, one breaks the hold of the ''yetzer hara''. One must, like the Chofetz Chaim, ask Hashem to remove those undesirable traits that one has been unable to eliminate. One must seek forgiveness from anyone one has offended, because even Yom Kippur does not forgive such sins. If one has done wrong, one should promptly admit it and not try to justify one’s mistakes, as the Navi says, “For this I will punish you, for your saying ‘I did not sin’” (''Yirmiyahu'' 2:35). And one must practice these principles in everything one does, as the Talmud says, “The one small verse on which the entire Torah depends is, ‘Know Hashem in all your ways’” (''Brachos'' 63)
		+
		+	This is essentially the AA program, and as one can see, it is straight ''mussar''. Why, then, is AA or OA necessary for addiction? Because whereas we say ''ki heim chayenu'', we generally do not walk away from a ''mussar sefer'' with the thought, “If I deviate from this, I will surely die.” The person addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling or food who walks away from a support meeting knows, from bitter experience, “If I deviate from this program, I will surely die.” If one truly and sincerely felt that way about ''mussar'', one would not need AA. But let’s be realistic, not everyone reacts this way.
		+
		+	Religion is wonderful, but religion without proper ''middos'' is of little value. Harav Aharon Kotler, ''zt”l'', said, “The Torah was given to ''mentschen''. Of one is not a ''mentsch'', one’s Torah is of little value.” Harav Chaim Vital, ''zt”l,'' the chief disciple of the Ari Hakadosh, ''zt”l'', says in ''Shaar Hakedushah'' that one must be even more careful about an improper ''middah'' than about an ''aveirah''. The ''baalei mussar'' explain that as grave as an ''aveirah'' is, it does not become a part of one’s personality, whereas a bad ''middah'', such as ''ka’as'', becomes part of one’s personality and is much more difficult to uproot.
		+
		+	Unfortunately, some people think that one can be religious even with bad ''middos''. It is possible to hear a statement, “He is a very ''frum'' person, but he has a bad temper,” but no one would say “He is a very ''frum'' person but he likes to eat ''treife''.” In truth, a person who loses his temper is no more than one who eats ''treife''. Indeed, the Talmud equates losing one’s temper with ''avodah zarah''.
		+
		+	If you wish to believe that there are no problems with alcohol, drugs, gambling or internet among yeshivah students and ''frum'' people, you may do so. We, who see these people frequently, know what the facts are. These destructive habits are tragically rampant in our environment, and our children are not immune to them. It is important that parents and yeshivos provide the education that can help prevent a youngster from falling into these deadly ways.

	== The last gasp of a drowning soul (Hamodia) ==		== The last gasp of a drowning soul (Hamodia) ==