Social Support

See also

• Bookending Difficult Events.

• Group Therapy.

• Compile Tips for My Change Team (Changeology)

References

Thombs, D. L., & Osborn, C. J. (2019). Introduction to Addictive Behaviors (Fifth Edit). The Guilford Press. p 156

• [DiClemente, Carlo C., Addiction and Change]
  • In my experience, sponsors are more available and integrated into the lives of the addicted individual than treatment personnel ever could be.
  • Including a support group or a mentor in a change plan should be seriously considered but may not always be necessary.
    • If the addicted individual reports a significant amount of perceived support for change, then support groups or more intensive treatment programs may not be as necessary.
    • On the other hand, if the environment is either devoid of support for change or filled with individuals who have similar addictive behavior problems, the change plan may need to include finding others to provide helping relationships to support the change (Longabaugh et al.,1995; Longabaugh, Wirtz, Sweden, & Stout, 2001).
    • Similarly, if there is significant impairment in self-regulation and self-control, there may be a greater need for support systems and scaffolding.
    • [...]The more an individual need to use stimulus control instead of counterconditioning to overcome the addictive behavior, the more need there may be for a support grouping the change plan.
• Mehr, K. S., Geiser, A. E., Milkman, K. L., & Duckworth, A. L. (2020). Copy-Paste Prompts: A New Nudge to Promote Goal Achievement. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 5(3), 329–334. https://doi.org/10.1086/708880
• EAST - Four simple ways to apply behavioural insights. (2014). The Behavioural Insights Team. https://www.bi.team/publications/east-four-simple-ways-to-apply-behavioural-insights
• Some evidence suggests that social rewards are important, just as they are in our personal habit formation. One study changed the social networks of alcohol-dependent people by encouraging them to find friends who disapproved of drinking along with activities that did not involve alcohol.35 Attending AA meetings was proposed as a way to meet new people who were abstinent and enjoyed activities other than drinking. The researchers downplayed other aspects of AA. With this change in social reinforcement, participants were drinking less even two years later. Wood, Wendy. Good Habits, Bad Habits (p. 200). Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Kindle Edition.
• As Duhigg points out in The Power of Habit, it is easier for someone to establish good habits, and change poor ones, when part of a group (community). One reason why groups are so powerful in helping people to change behavior is that they help people see that change is possible (e.g. they see that it happens in others like them), which then makes it easier to believe that change is possible. Belief in the ability to change is critical to change. If you have seen fathers change as a result of participating in a fatherhood program, you know firsthand the power of groups.

From GYE Members

General

• I feel now that till I joined GYE, I was walking along the edge of a cliff - and constantly falling over the edge. Now there is somebody on my other side, who is stopping me from falling and who I know will catch me if I do. The struggle has not abated, but it has become more manageable. @Anonymous

Get out of Isolation

• Lately I have been phoning/txting/emailing/chatting with other chevra. The Yetzer Horah thrives on isolation. He loves depression. I love shmoozing. i love connection. By communicating with others, I am 'connecting' to them, thereby getting my craving for 'emotional fulfillment' taken care in that way, so there is no room left for the Y"H to convince that his method will make feel good....!!! #Yosef Hatzadik

• My advice to you is stay connected. Post often and read through other forums. Connection, focus, and accountability are real game changers. Hatzlocha b'ezras Hashem #Hashem Help Me

Accountability

• Time to take it up a notch. This is where it gets real. You wanna stop but by yourself its too hard. SO hard. Theres this part you that more than anything wants to stop. And theres this other part of you that more than anything wants to do it. THATS OK. This battle is (usually) too hard for one person carry on his own. Thats where accountability comes in. Open up. Speak with rebbe, GYE mentor, or GYE fellow-struggler(me). Go thru ALL your struggles(bec whats the point of holding back) . Every nook and cranny. Be SO honest with your partner that youll be shocked the words are coming out of your mouth, bec in essence it's being honest with yourself. Youd be surprised how exhilarating it feels. To finally open up and lift that weight off your shoulder. A message, a forum, a phone call(Yes I just went there). Just speaking about, putting it out in the open, makes the struggle easier. Build a relationship that you feel responsible to. Gain a friend. A lifelong lifeline. I"m a big fan of this tool so Im going to continue with it next time. #battle-of-the-gen
• We can and should try to reach out to someone we respect, someone who we value their opinion. We have to be open and honest about our struggles and keep them updated with "real time" updates. The major key is to be honest. Bec if were not, then there's no shame, and that kills the whole tool. You wanna feel that shame so itll be an incentive not to fall next time. Another person thats also working on himself can also be a huge partner. Even though he may fall here and there he can give you a clarity that you may not have in the moment and to a certain degree can be extremely motivating cause its coming from someone who is battling almost exactly what you are. You can start in the beginning being in touch more frequently and as time goes on(and your getting clean) you can tone it down a bit. Letting your wife in can be a huge accountability partner but needs to be done with much much seichel and hadracha. Let an experienced GYEer/therapist/rebbe guide you thru it. Obv the more personal the person you open up to is, the stronger the sense of commitment is, and therefore more effective. So a Rebbe or someone close to you is a great option. But if your not up to it yet(like me) you can find amazing partners/mentors on this site. Thru forums or the "partner program" you can email, google hangout, call, or just chat on GYE regularly. Just to finish with a powerful quote on the power of accountability: "I have had enough of the silent suffering, the hiding, the lying and the living a double life. Today, I talk to people in my program every day, besides going to meetings twice a week. The whole truth about me needs to be on the outside, with safe people." #battle-of-the-gen

Personal Experiences:

• For the past 38 years, i've been unable to stop. somewhere around when i was 18, i became religious - but i couldn't give this up - it had become an addiction. 2 weeks ago i was looking at www.theyeshivaworld.com & found the popup for this site. i went in and found the most unbelievable thing i've ever seen - religious Jews talking about their sexual addiction. i couldn't believe my eyes. i wrote to eyes.guard & he wrote to me to post my story. i didn't want to at first, but i agreed to finally post it. i called the phone line last week, and spoke to elya k. i have since called him privately. if anyone thinks they can kick this addiction by just reading the shulchan oruch, you are mistaken. it is too powerful an addiction. you need support from caring people, who will not judge or criticize. you need people who understand your situation and are willing to help. these are the people i found on www.guardyreyes.com.... i talk to elya k, who is a lifesaver, without him, i couldn't do it - it is much too difficult. if i know that i am going to speak to him that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. thanks elya k, and thanks eyeguard for starting this. Caring for fellow Jews is what we're all about - and these people take this obligation very seriously.... that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. @Jack (received by email)

Deals

• I made a little deal with a friend of mine who is also battling that we are trying to go the whole bain hazmanim or 40 days masturbation free and whoever doesnt make it has to buy the other one a nice cologne. #The Bruceman

Telling a Friend when you have an Urge

• #Dov writes nicely why it is OK to share. See Dov.
• Pick up the phone and call a chaver (who agrees to do this) and graphically tell him what you want to see or do. If done in a clinical, non triggering fashion, I have found the "attack" gets killed on the spot. When verbalized, it sounds so grotesque and inappropriate, that the thrill has its balloon busted. #Hashem Help Me

Torah Sources

• Rav Amram Chasidah. See Positive Vision Day 72 (Relates to Accountability)
• ספר חסידים (מרגליות) סימן כא: ומה שאמרו חציף מאן דמפרש חטאי' זהו שמגיד לכל אשר חטא אבל מותר להגיד לאדם צדיק וצנוע אחד מעונותיו כדי שיורה לו האיך יעשה תשובה
• ולענין זה יותר טוב לבקש לו חבר בחינוך, בכדי שעל ידי כן יעורר כל אחד את חבירו תמיד, ויוכל ללמוד כל אחד ואחד ממאורעותיהן של שניהם, כי אם יפולו האחד יקים את חברו - קהלת ד, ט (חשבון הנפש, לפין סי' לג)
• צעטיל קטן אות יג. לספר בכל פעם לפני המורה לו דרך השם, ואפילו לפני חבר נאמן, כל המחשבות והרהורים רעים אשר הם נגד תורתינו הקדושה אשר היצר הרע מעלה אותן על מוחו ולבו, הן בשעת תורה ותפילה, הן בשכבו על מטתו, והן באמצע היום, ולא יעלים שום דבר מחמת הבושה, ונמצא על ידי סיפור הדברים שמוציא מכח אל הפועל, משבר את כח היצר הרע שלא יוכל להתגבר עליו כל כך בפעם אחרת, חוץ עצה הטובה אשר יוכל לקבל מחבירו שהוא דרך השם, והוא סגולה נפלאה:
  • Cheshbon Hanefesh Ch. 44 (Usually, it's better to do this with a friend, than with a spouse).
  • Cheshbon Hanefesh Ch. 45 (Better to have one friend rather than a group)
  • Cheshbon Hanefesh Ch. 46 (Getting a mentor who specializes in this in order to receive advice. One does not need necessarily one Rav for everything.)
• The Battle of the Generation Ch. 46 (getting guidance)
• The Battle of the Generation Ch. 47 (mentoring - helping others)

Summary by @Howard

Another critical aspect of planning for success is to identify who can help you and how they can help you. A lot of times people want to help, but they don’t know the best way they can help you or even how to address the issue with you.

(Insert: Who is concerned map)

(Insert: My relationships map)

It is important for you to be able to clarify for others how they can help you. Most people won’t know what would be most effective ways of helping, so you need to tell them.

There are several specific ways people can help.

Accountability.

One way that others can help is being a source of accountability. If your  goals and plans are known only to you, it makes it a lot easier to blow them off. Sharing those goals with others definitely increases the chances that you will follow through on your plans.

Going public about an action you want to take makes it more likely  that you will do it. Accountability could be as general as “I’m going to change my behavior” or as specific as “today I am going to exercise for an hour”.  It is critical that you are accountable for your actions.

So you need people that you can be accountable to. They need to know your plans and follow up with you to ensure you have done what you said you would do. So, these would be people that you feel comfortable sharing your goals with, reporting to about your performance, and also getting feedback from them. They would need to be willing and engaged in your program, strong enough to remind you of your intentions, and constantly available. In some ways, there are your conscience. They would also call you out if you are not following your plan.

It can be helpful to have more than one person, or even a team in this role, so that they can be accountable in holding you accountable.  It will be easier for you to rationalize away your behavior to one person but far less easy to do that to three or four others.

So, you need to put together a team of trustworthy, reliable, committed people that can not be derailed from keeping you on track.

Inspiration.

‘Social proof’ is a great driver of human behavior. We actually a copy a lot of our behavior from what we see other people do and this influence is called ‘social proof’. This is often an unconscious behavior, but as social beings we are influenced a lot by what we see others doing. In fact we have special cells in our brains, called ‘mirror neurons’, that actually subconsciously copy the behavior of others. For example, if we see someone throwing a ball, there are circuits in our brain that start to mimic that throwing action.  These copying movements don’t involve  muscular movement, but rather the neural underpinnings of such movement, making it easier to throw the ball on the next occasion.  In such a way, observation is a kind of practice.  Which is why the people you hang out with are so important -- they unconsciously are influencing and training you.

Social proof can be especially valuable and important when we are trying to do difficult things, like changing behavior. Sometimes we can be cynical and don’t really believe that anyone can effectively change their behavior, so when we see someone who has actually done just that, it can inspire not just hope but confidence. Moreover, if we observe them not just talking about their successful strategies but actually implementing them, we are already learning these skills through the mirror neuron system. So it is important to have these sources of inspiration. The more sources you have, the more hope you can generate, the more skills you can copy, the greater the chances of success.

Who can be a great role models of success and perseverance for you?

These could be people you know who have successfully dealt with the same issue, or someone who has successfully changed a different problematic behavior, or both.

It will be very helpful to have contact with others who have achieved what you are trying to achieve.

I will get my inspiration from:……….

Inspiration can be delivered any number of ways. It will be important to actually see these people in person but this can be supplemented by emails, texts, video chats.

ANCHORING

Another value that a supportive person or a group can do for you is to keep you connected to your motivation. As we have mentioned motivation can ebb and flow like the tide, so there will be times when others will need to remind you of why you are trying to change and the importance of your effort. This can be critical  because temporarily waning motivation can lead to slips or worse. In many areas of life there are examples of people who were talked out of doing self-sabotaging behaviors and talked into doing great things by mentors who reminded them of what their goals were.

“A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.” Oprah Winfrey

ABSTINENCE and REINFORCEMENT

When you have trained the brain to not only expect certain reactions but to create the infrastructure by which those feelings manifest, it is not surprising that stopping a habit can be challenging -- at first. This challenge is called withdrawal, as the brain starts to adapt to a new normal.  The key here is to realize that the way to get rid of those withdrawal feelings is to keep persevering by not indulging.  Not indulging, means not indulging at all. Reducing your indulgence in a habit may seem like progress but it isn’t and here's why.

Suppose you are used to visiting two friends. As soon as you knock on the door of friend A, he always immediately opens it.  If one day, you knock and he doesn't open it, you’ll think that something is strange. Sure, you might knock again, but  you might soon stop and go to investigate.

Now when you knock on the door of friend B he can be very slow to answer.  You have to hammer at his door to get his attention. If he doesn't answer quickly, you’ll continue to knock, because you have been trained to do so. This is an example of intermittent reinforcement. Your knocking is only intermittently reinforced, which actually makes you knock harder to get an effect.

Your response to friend A is an example of continuous reinforcement. Whenever you knock you get a response and if you don’t get one, it feels strange and you stop your behavior.

So, intermittently reinforced behavior is harder to break, because you have trained yourself to reward constant trying, whereas in continuous reinforcement you are more likely to give up quicker.

So, if you indulge periodically whenever you have an urge, it might actually be more difficult to quit than if you always indulge when urges come calling. That is why not responding at al is better than merely reducing the frequency of your response.

PRACTICAL TOOLS

A supportive person can also provide you with practical tools and strategies that are enhanced because they have worked for them. It is more powerful to hear about a strategy, how it was used and how it worked from somebody relating a real life experience, than just reading about a technique in a book. (Please see  our videos of people talking about their real use of effective strategies).

Group Support [Social Liberation]

When run effectively Support Groups can be one of the most effective agents of change. They can provide many sources of support.

They should be a place of acceptance and non judgment, allowing the person to be authentic and honest about their issues and to be heard and treated  with respect, kindness  and humility. This allows not just for a welcoming environment but a chance for a member to treat themselves with respect, too. Seeing others with the same problems, makes it easier to see the issue as not just a personal frailty but a specific problem that can be addressed with integrity.

Other compassionate and sensitive actions allow a member of such a group to treat themselves with compassion while also holding themselves accountable to the group. As Prochaska says in his book Changing for Good...

“The process of social liberation involves creating more alternatives and choices for individuals, providing more information about problem behaviors, and offering public support for people who want to change. No-smoking sections in airplanes, restaurants, and workplaces are well-known examples of change that are designed to free people from smoke or from the temptation to smoke. Community-sponsored post-prom parties provide a healthy alternative for high school students who do not want to drink or use drugs.Even the simple act of naming a “designated driver” is a form of social liberation.

“Self-help groups are the most familiar social liberation activity in the United States. There are more than a million such groups, with 15,000,000 members, ranging from Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Narcotics Anonymous, to self-help groups for people with phobias and panic attacks and those for relatives of those with schizophrenia, to relatively new groups for AIDS sufferers. In addition to consciousness-raising inherent in such groups—in which the latest information about problems and their treatment are always an important focus—these groups provide a social environment in which people can maintain their dignity and feel they will not be stigmatized or ostracized.”

You can get support like this in our forum and chatroom.

Specs

Calling a Friend or Mentor (can work for strong urges - this is about getting support from someone who knows about your struggle)

• Learning Curve: Low
• Practice: None
• Urge Strength: Weak, Medium, Strong, Very Strong
• Customization: Who to call.
• Materials: None
• Type: Social Support
• Brain Effect: Strong
• Easier with Time: Medium
• Editors choice: Yes