Rabbi Twerski correspondence with Rabbi Kaganoff

WHAT IS SPIRTUALITY?

A Rabbi’s Complaint:

Rabbi Yehoshua Kaganoff 7939 Dorcas Street

Philadelphia, PA 19111

215.742.8421

29 Cheshvon, 5757

11 November, '96

Dear Rabbi Twerski,

I am writing to seek guidance from you. I believe the issues I will raise require a Psak from my Posek, but I believe that I should have your input before I ask the Shaaloh.

In keeping with your suggestion in connection with my pastoral relationship with alcoholics in my congregation, I have been attending JACS meetings once a week here in Philadelphia. Besides the education I receive from the experiences of the people in recovery who attend and share, I also contribute almost weekly a thought of Torah, usually on the Parsha (usually as a handout for later review). The focus and purpose of my Divrei Torah is to either impart some basic Judaism to these people who, for the most part, have no idea of what Yidishkeit is all about, or more importantly to show them how the 12 steps and spirituality is very much a part of traditional "old-fashioned" Torah thought and observance. All of this is done at the encouragement of the Rabbi who started the group.

(As an aside to the theme of this letter, but of equal importance is my expression of Hakoras Hatov to you. I personally have grown from the experience and I also am ‘working the STEPS’ as attempting recovery from addiction to the Yetzer Harah. Y'yasher

Kochachem for your manifold illuminating books and your personal help.)

The JACS meeting meets in the basement of a Conservative Temple which in and of itself does not disturb me. (There are Piskei Halacha concerning churches and other functions in Conservative and Reform Temples and this is not worse). However because of my input and guidance, many in attendance begin feeling an affinity for Judaism etc. and have begun attending services at this Temple. The Rabbi of the Temple is the one who started this JACS group and also attends in a similar capacity - just that Judaism in his perspective is presented as humanistic, social justice etc.

This leads to my first question. Am I not, de facto, assisting these people from one self-deception into another? Spirituality is defined as choosing to follow Hashem's will. To deceive oneself as to the nature of Hashem's will is again an addiction - a spiritual addiction - which is even more insidious than a hedonistic addiction. Since the basis of all spirituality and recovery is absolute honesty, my gut reaction is to speak out - gently, of course - and reveal that God's will for Jews is very clearly enunciated in the Oral and Written Torahs. To posit that they are not the Word of God is really another form of denial as can easily be proven by attendance to a Discovery Seminar of Aish Hatorah etc. or reading any number of books like Uri Zohar's "My Friends We've Been Robbed".

Especially bothersome to me, is the knowledge that no matter how hard these people strive for spirituality; their Jewish soul will not be quieted of its yearning until it does receive the spiritual nourishment that Mitzvos and Torah provide. I am not being honest with them unless I share with them the truth.

On the other hand, I am reluctant to tell them for fear of losing them. They are struggling to stay sober. Often times this very struggle alone is a daily overwhelming fight. Will it be counterproductive to reveal the whole truth? The question itself is frightening because if not now, then when? And if not, then I am accomplice to a deception that is blasphemous negative spirituality!

The second issue is in regard to the JACS retreat.

I went to the recent JACS retreat. It really brought to the fore the above turmoil that had been percolating in my head.

For Elisheva it was a wonderful experience. I also learned from a number of the meetings and personal sessions that I had with some of the attendees. I also feel that I was able to help some of the people with information and counseling.

Elisheva came back raving about the spirituality. I personally did not feel the experience spiritual at all. (Of course, I didn't tell her that!)

The following were particularly distressing to me:

Women singing loudly with men present and women dancing in close proximity and in public view of men without a Mechitza. Both of these were at the Shabbos meals and at the Havdolo ceremony. Also, men and women (not husband and wife) embracing in front of the entire audience on the public stage, are to me not Kosher spiritual experiences at all.

I was perturbed by the official policy of JACS that there is "no correct way to worship". Unless I am from another planet we know that this is not true.

Granted the source of my difficulties is my knowledge of Halacha and Hashkafa, but are we not exhibiting Codependent behavior by our tacit consent to this statement and these behaviors? Please refer to the accompanying short essay that expresses succinctly what is in my heart. It is by Shimon Apisdorf.

Above all I was upset that the spirituality of Mitzvah performance and Torah study were not further explored at the Orthodox level for the Orthodox and for the non-religious at their level.

The Orthodox Davening was, pardon me, very uninspiring. Singing was at times spirited but what about the Words! What about the sense of conversing with Hashem and being in His Presence? I am aware that this may seem as an unfair demand. After all what Shul in America really possesses this. But then again who in American Jewry really understands spirituality. But we in the program know and understand differently and therefore do promote and seek spirituality.

It is my opinion that at a JACS Retreat, Orthodox observances should not be business-as-usual but every effort should be expended to demonstrate and teach how the Mitzvos and Torah study can be spiritual in their Halachic context.

The davening should be uplifting. Those who understand Shabbos in its traditional context should be allowed to lead the Zemiros and other Mitzvah performances. Maybe your brother, Rav Michel or someone of similar qualifications (Halacha, Avodah, Kiruv) could be enlisted to coordinate this endeavor. I certainly will give any assistance that is deemed appropriate.

Again the Shaaloh that I will place in front of the Posek will be, "should I continue to participate in these functions as they presently exist?" As I mentioned earlier, I would very much appreciate your input on these matters before I ask the Shaaloh. Also, if you are aware of a Posek who understands the world of recovery, I feel it would be most appropriate to ask him the Shaaloh. I generally ask my Shaalos to Rav Dovid Cohen of Brooklyn, who has experience and sensitivity in Kiruv, mental health, and Avodah.

As always, I am very grateful for your straightforward, constructive counsel and guidance.

Respectfully, Yehoshua Kaganoff

Rabbi Twerski’s Response:

3rd night of Chanuka, 5757

Rabbi Yehoshua Kaganoff 7939 Dorcas Street

Philadelphia, PA 19111

Dear Rabbi Kaganoff,

Believe it or not, this is the first opportunity I have to respond to your letter of 29 Cheshvon. After returning from Israel and South Africa, and struggling with a 7 hour jet lag and catching up with a huge backlog, I have been twice to New York, and also to Los Angeles, San Francisco, Atlanta, Detroit, and Boston. If it were not for Chanuka, I'd probably be somewhere else today.

This frenetic running around is due to my seeking support for a drug treatment project I have started in Israel, and also to call attention to my recently published book on spouse abuse in the Jewish community. If you think there was denial about alcoholism or drugs, it pales in comparison to the DENIAL about spouse abuse. Our brethren rabbis wish to continue to ignore it. I contend that they are in violation of a , .

Now to your letter. It is ironic that the problem exists because the group meets in a conservative temple Is this perhaps because the orthodox shul would not welcome them?

I see no problem with your stating what you believe to be G-d' s will. The steps leave it open as "G-d as I understand Him," and you certainly have the right to clarify what orthodoxy explains as G-d's will. I do not believe it will be counterproductive. You are not condemning anyone, merely stating a position. They can accept it or reject it as they wish.

This raises another issue. I believe we have an excellent entre to people in recovery. At one retreat, there was some criticism about orthodoxy's recalcitrance. I told the group this story:

A number of years ago, because of the lack of awareness of AA by physicians, several of us decided to try and educate doctors. We made a documentary about AA., by filming excerpts of talks by various members, showing who comprises AA--lawyers, executives, doctors, nurses, housewives. judges, laborers - a cross section of the community. To preserve anonymity we bleeped out all names. We showed this film to medical groups, giving a "before and after" questionnaire, which demonstrated that their attitude about AA was definitely changed for the better by this film.

We then received a call from World Headquarters that this was in violation of the tradition preserving anonymity in the media. The fact that we bleeped out the names did not help. We were told not to use it again. The four of us who made this excellent film had invested $4000 of our own money. Out of respect for the tradition, this film was never shown again. (AA subsequently made a similar film, using actors).

I told the group that we accepted this painful decision out of respect for the AA traditions. We considered AA too valuable to be tampered with, even if we did not agree with the ruling opinion. I can ask at least that much for Jewish tradition. There was not a single dissenting voice.

With all the people I have helped in recovery, I have never imposed my opinion about Jewish observance. Why? Because the inordinate success of AA is based on attraction rather than promotion. If you like what you see, you can come and get it.

While I am supportive of people who do kiruv, I have not been assertive in this respect. If my observance of Torah is not adequate to attract them, then I must work on myself.

There is a story about the Baal Shem Tov who once observed someone violating Shaabos. The Baal Shem Tov taught that the world is a mirror, and since we are generally blind to our own defects, Hashem shows them to us in others. The defects we see in others are our own. He therefore wept and did a thorough "inventory" to see where he had violated Shabbos.

It disturbs me greatly to see people shouting "Shabbos" at drivers. The Baal Shem too shouted "Shabbos", but at himself rather than at others.

Just imagine. Shabbos is supposed to be מעין עולם הבא. "Vayechulu" means that when Shabbos arrives, one puts the worries of the work week totally aside. The work week has been closed and completed. Shabbos is a spiritual experience where man and G-d are united as bride and groom. If we glowed with the joy of Shabbos and radiated the bliss of עולם הבא, wouldn't people be running after us to learn our secret?) If those who see me are not observant of Shabbos, I need to improve myself rather than chastise them.

Here, too, there is a valuable lesson from the program. Abstinence is not sobriety. Someone who has not had a drink for years but has not made any characterologic changes is a "dry drunk." Families will tell you that it is easier to live with an active drinker than with a dry drunk.

Transgressing a negative prohibition of Torah is a sin. Failure to perform a required mitzva is also a sin. When we avoid all the aseys and fulfil all the lo-saseys, we are essentially abstaining from sins. Unless we make the requisite improvement in midos we are the equivalent of a "dry drunk."

There are many fine observant people who have exemplary midos. Unfortunately, we cannot deny that there are more than a few people who observe glatt kosher and are dressed in the most frum garb, but who are sorely lacking in midos. At the retreats, much of the anger is directed at parents or others who were very rigid and restrictive in their demands, but their midos did not keep pace with their ritual observance.

I was the first orthodox rabbi to appear at a JACS retreat, and my initial appearance almost caused an upheaval because of the bitterness to orthodoxy. Fortunately, together with a few other well chosen rabbis we were able to achieve a change of attitude. One time an orthodox rabbi came who did not obey the instructions to remain silent at his first retreat and just listen. He gave a sermon according to rabbinics 101 which went over like a lead balloon.

Davening should be spiritual. Just how spiritual is the davening in the average shul? I have davened in any number of shuls and shtiiblach, and they rush through the davening at 100 mph. If, God forbid, the baal-tefillah is a bit slower and the davening takes 35 minutes instead of the 30, it is simply intolerable.

But aren't we those who preach emunah and bitachon? We say that every person must do some hishtadlus, but that it is not the degree of hishtadlus that will determine his earnings. Then why the frenetic pace? Why rush out of shul after 30 minutes to spend nine hours in the business or office? If we do not practice what we espouse, how can we expect others to respect our ways? I am not referring to others, but to myself.

I believe we can get the message across to people in recovery that the easy way is rarely the true way. All their lives they have been

looking for the easy way, and when they hit rock-bottom they realized it doesn't work. What are all the changes in Judaism if not looking for an easy way? I think we have an opening here to argue well for full Torah observance, unless of course, those who claim to be totally Torah observant are also looking for easy ways. I suspect this may be true, in which case we have no argument.

There is certainly much in JACS that can be improved, and I think that with patience we can do it. I don't know that there is a posek who can really address this. Sorry to say, some of them are the equivalent of "dry drunks," meticulously observant and very knowledgeable, but thoroughly unaware of what feelings are all about, and how people can be paralyzed by emotions. Some may be totally alienated from their own feelings.

Love to hear from you.

On Mon, 6 Jun 2005 12:11:57 -0700 (PDT) >

Parent of a client, (with whom I had shared excerpts of Rabbi Twerski’s above letter), writes:

Dear Rabbi Kaganoff

I didn't completely understand the Twersky letter excerpt. Please explain further

Have a nice day.C. X.

I acquiesced to the request.

Please see pg 130 for the explanation. Sincerely,

Rabbi Kaganoff

The previous correspondence (pgs 118-127) was excerpted and faxed to Rav Dovid Cohen, Shli’ta for Psak and guidance. His response is on the next page.

16 Jan, ‘97

8 Shvat 5757

Phone conversation with Rav Dovid Cohen, Shlit’a. In response to Fax of 13 Jan, Rav Cohen said, “

1- “Wanted to call but overwhelmed with time constraints. 2- By all means! Be Mamshich! (Continue). You’re doing

Meshunadikeh (extraordinary) things

3-    The Kiruv and Kiddush Hashem far outweigh your discomfort. (The hesitation is Bottel (negated) compared to the good.)

4-    The fact that you’re uncomfortable is good. It is a good Mehalech (approach)– Be uncomfortable and Be Mekarev & Mekadesh Hashem.

5-    I am Mekaneh (jealous of) your big piece of Leviyoson (reward in world-to-come)

6-    I want to be Meoded (encourage & motivate) you as much as possible.”

12 June, ’05, Erev Shevuos Dear Mr. and Mrs. X,

In response to your request, I will explain (give a shiur upon!?) Rabbi Twerski's letter [Pg 123-127 in this volume] (the original excerpted text is in italics and smaller font, my comments in regular and larger font):

3rd night of Chanukah Dear Rabbi Kaganoff,

"......................................Here, too, there is a valuable lesson from the program. Abstinence is not sobriety. Someone who has not had a drink for years but has not made any characterologic changes is a "dry drunk." Families will tell you that it is easier to live with an active drinker than with a dry drunk"

In this Paragraph, RT is laying down a vital program principle. Alcoholism (addictions) has 2 parts: the alcohol (abused substance) and the "ism". It's the "ism" that's at the root and base of the alcoholic's (addict's) problems. As the Big Book and the 12 & 12 book describe at length, it is the characterological changes that are what recovery is all about, not just abstaining. Getting rid of the substances without the characterological changes creates much more difficult interpersonal relationships rather than reconciling them.

"Transgressing a negative prohibition of Torah is an "Aveira". Failure to perform a required mitzva is also an "Aveira". When we avoid all the "Lavin" and fulfill all the ""Asseis", we are essentially abstaining from "Aveiros". Unless we make the requisite improvement in midos, we are the equivalent of a "dry drunk.""

Here RT, is alluding to a very important and basic premise in Torah-observant Judaism. Throughout the ages (Vilna Gaon in Even Shleima 1:1, Ramban on Devorim 22:6, Rambam in Mishne

Torah very end of Korbonos:Temura and Teshuva 7:3, just to cite a few sources) it has been emphasized that G-d's purpose in providing us with the Mitzvos is not intended to be dry mechanical activities. They are intended to encourage, cultivate and induce us to make requisite characterological changes. The activity of the Mitzva or the desistence from a prohibition are supposed to be accompanied by a psychoemotional component that is supposed to touch our inner being and refine it. The goal is that a contact with a Torah observant Jew should inspire the other person to remark, "What a refined, cultured and sensitive person (s)he is! (S)He is a wonderful Human Being." (I can send you the original resource materials by PDF file, upon which RT is premising his remarks.)

In his final sentence, he points out that (s)he who performs the Mitzvos but does not engage in the characterological improvement remains the equivalent of a "dry drunk"

"There are many fine observant people who have exemplary midos. Unfortunately, we cannot deny that there are more than a few people who observe glatt kosher and are dressed in the most frum garb, but who are sorely lacking in midos. At the [JACS] retreats, much of the anger is directed at parents or others who were very rigid and restrictive in their demands, but their midos did not keep pace with their ritual observance."

In this Paragraph, RT decries the mottled state of affairs that we find in present day Orthodox world. Although the previous stated overarching goals of Mitzva performance is recognizable in many Torah Observant persons, nevertheless regretfully, being totally honest with ourselves, we must concede that there is a significant portion of Torah observant persons who have completely "missed the point" about the overarching goals. They subsequently perform the Mitzvos (and sometimes even with great fervor and punctiliousness) in conjunction with very reprehensible Character traits ("Midos"). (Please see Chazon Ish Emuna uBitachon C. 4 for great elaboration on this point).

RT shared with me in this letter the empirical observation that much of the anger and bitterness towards religious observance that is to be found amongst recovering addicts (the "ism" of their alcoholism) is a reaction to the dominance in their earlier lives of people of the second type described above.

"I was the first orthodox rabbi to appear at a JACS retreat, and my initial appearance almost caused an upheaval because of the bitterness to orthodoxy. Fortunately, together with a few other well chosen rabbis we were able to achieve a change of attitude. One time an orthodox rabbi came, who did not obey the instructions to remain silent at his first retreat and just listen. He gave a sermon according to rabbinics 101 which went over like a lead balloon."

Here RT shares from his personal experience, how he "Knows" that the empirical observation stated earlier, is indeed a fact and should be heeded absolutely, if someone wants to attempt to influence the people in recovery to reconsider their opinion and attitude of their native religion and its adherents. Since the Sine Qua Non of recovery is Rigorous Honesty (Big Book Chap. 5), if we ignore this warning, then they "see right through" us and our facade and they consider us nothing but a sham!

"Davening should be spiritual. Just how spiritual is the davening in the average shul? I have davened in any number of shuls and shtiiblach, and they rush through the davening at lOO mph. If, G-d forbid, the baal- tefillah is a bit slower and the davening takes 35 minutes instead of the 30, it is simply intolerable.

"But aren't we those who preach emunah and bitachon? We say that every person must do some hishtadlus, but that it is not the degree of his hishtadlus that will determine his earnings. Then why the frenetic pace? Why rush out of shul after 30 minutes to spend nine hours in the business or office? If we do not practice what we espouse, how can we expect others to respect OUR ways? I am not referring to others, but to myself."

Here, in these 2 paragraphs, RT gives a concrete example of what he has stated as only theory till now. An example that 1) is almost

universal in the Orthodox world and can only be finessed by the use of "denial" and 2) is a commonly heard gripe from people in recovery. If we preach the belief in a very personal G-d, then why is it that our prayers aren't an experience in communication? Why is it that they feel more connected in prayer (the "Serenity Prayer" or the "Lord's Prayer" with their higher power and with spirituality in rooms of recovery with people in recovery? ("If we do not practice what we espouse, how can we expect others to respect OUR ways?)

In the last sentence (I am not referring to others, but to myself.), in the tradition of Chasidic Rebbes, upon realizing that perhaps one has spoken too harshly, albeit truthfully, in judgement of others and indeed the matter requires proper airing for reassessment and improvement, one refocuses the criticism on oneself so as not to alienate the audience.

"I believe we can get the message across to people in recovery that the easy way is rarely the true way. All their lives they have been looking for the easy way, and when they hit rock-bottom they realized it doesn't work. What are all the changes in Judaism if not looking for an easy way? I think we have an opening here to argue well for full Torah observance, unless of course, those who claim to be totally Torah observant                                            are       also looking for easy ways. I suspect this may be true, in which case we have no argument.           "

Here RT makes 2 very profound conclusions. There is only one way to influence the community in recovery. We, the Torah Observant ourselves, need to "walk the walk". Then, when we "talk to talk", it is perceived and received as something sincere, honest and from the heart. It can then penetrate the hearts of the others who are in recovery. If however, we only "talk the talk" but our actions don't match, then we have no avenue to bridge the gap. (RT alerts us that his observations and experience seem to indicate that the latter is sadly the case. A clarion call to anyone, who wants to address the problem, that he first needs to straighten up his own

act, before he embarks.)

"............... Sorry to say, some of them [Rabbis, Rebbes, Teachers] are

the equivalent of "dry drunks," meticulously observant and very knowledgeable, but thoroughly unaware of what feelings are all about, and how people can be paralyzed by emotions. Some may be totally alienated from their own feelings."

Sincerely,

Abraham J. Twerski

In this final paragraph, RT alerts me to the fact, that in the cadre of people from whom we are supposed to seek guidance, there is unfortunately, a great paucity of competency in this area. Consequently, be on the alert when seeking guidance, that this incomplete erudition and comprehension may lead to some very ill-advised suggestions and responses. This only further magnifies the sense of distance, alienation and isolation of the people in recovery from their community of origin. These phenomena can be attested to by both the people in recovery and Rabbis etc. who have troubled themselves to "Walk the Walk" and not just "Talk the Talk".

I hope this has been of help. As I have said, I believe it is critical for us to recognize and integrate what Rabbi Twerski has revealed to us here in order to facilitate Yocheved's recovery and return!

Sincerely, Rabbi Kaganoff

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