Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA)

One of the ways to increase motivation is to do something called a “Decisional Balance”. SMART Recovery prefers the term "Cost Benefit Analysis".

Here is what it looks like:

Example 1

Pros of watching	Cons of watching
Pros of change	Cons of no change:

Or:

Example 2

	Pros	Cons
Continuing with Porn & Masturbation
Stop Porn & Masturbation

Research

• "Decision making was conceptualized by Janis and Mann (1977) as a decisional “balance sheet” of comparative potential gains and losses. Two decisional balance measures, the pros and the cons, have become critical constructs in the Transtheoretical model. The pros and cons combine to form a decisional “balance sheet” of comparative potential gains and losses. The balance between the pros and cons varies depending on which stage of change the individual is in." Link to sheet.
• "Decisional Balance Exercise (DBE): This task asks clients to evaluate the perceived costs and benefits of continuing to engage in their addictive behaviors versus changing. The exercise is intended to make more salient the pros and cons of changing their current behaviors, which then will allow them to identify obstacles to change (Sobell & Sobell, 1998; Sobell, Sobell, Leo, Agrawal, Johnson-Young, & Cunningham, 2002; Sobell, Sobell, Toneatto, & Leo, 1993). Copies of the Decisional Balance Exercise can be found in a recent publication on motivational interviewing (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration, 2002) and can be freely accessed through <http://www.nova.edu/gsc> and then by clicking on the link to Online forms." Klingemann, H., & Sobell, L. C. (Eds.). (2007). Promoting Self-Change From Addictive Behaviors. Boston, MA: Springer US. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-0-387-71287-1
  • That form is unique. It has a list of preset options with checkboxes (with a space for "Other"), and it has the following instructions on top: "In making a decision to change, it can be helpful to think about the good things and less good things about changing. Check the TOP 2 or 3 things that apply to YOU." This may be a good option for teens, or for guys who don't know what to write.
• "To help you think through the issues, experts recommend doing an informal cost-benefit analysis, such as the one in Table 1 (page 12). The example in the table addresses the issue of compulsive gambling, but it could be repurposed for any addiction. Make a chart using your own addiction and your own costs and benefits. When you fill it out, write as many items as you can think of to go under each heading. Weigh the importance of each answer. Do the benefits of con­tinued use or participation outweigh the costs? If not, you may decide you want to change your behavior. Shaffer, H. J. (2017)." Overcoming Addiction - Finding an effective path toward recovery. Harvard Health Publishing. (The chart in that publication both benefits on row 1 (Benefits of Not Gambling, Benefits of Gambling), and both cons on row 2 (Cost of Not Gambling, Costs of Gambling)).
• "Many people who have successfully changed their alcohol or other drug use report that this process was very important for them when they were considering change. It is a process that we often use in thinking about changing jobs, buying cars or cell phones, and so forth." P/ C/ P Session 10 Tipping the Balance of Change Velasquez, Mary M. Group Treatment for Substance Abuse, Second Edition (Page 122). The Guilford Press. Kindle Edition.
• Describes how to do a CBA with a client. Then adds: "We suggest that clients complete the Motivation to Quit Impulsive Behavior form in Chapter 2 of the workbook, and then review the consequences on a daily basis. Clients need to be reminded on a more regular basis of all the consequences of their impulsive behaviors." Grant, J. E., Donahue, C. B., & Odlaug, B. L. (2011).
• In a binary choice situation, such as whether to stay in or leave a relationship, a 2 × 2 decision matrix might look like the one shown in Box 17.1. The diagonal boxes (e.g., advantages of staying and disadvantages of leaving) are complementary and may contain similar entries. Some clients, in fact, find it confusing to distinguish between these, in which case a simple pros and cons list may be better. The point is to give equal attention to each of the boxes by evoking the client’s full list in each, exploring each element by asking for elaboration and reflecting (see Chapter 14). Miller, William R.; Rollnick, Stephen. Motivational Interviewing, Third Edition (Applications of Motivational Interviewing) (Kindle Locations 4718-4722). Guilford Publications. Kindle Edition.

Notes

• The goal of the short term vs long term step is to deal with The Problem of Instant Gratification (PIG).
• In SMART Recovery this worksheet is followed by a discussion of short term and long term benefits, and how this sheet shows that most benefits of the addictive behavior are short term.
• "Instruct them to first write their pros and then their cons for using and then write the cons and pros for changing. The rationale for this ordering of the activity is that clients will end on thinking about the not so good things about using and the benefits of changing." P/ C/ P Session 10 Tipping the Balance of Change Velasquez, Mary M. Group Treatment for Substance Abuse, Second Edition (Page 122). The Guilford Press. Kindle Edition. See worksheet here page 27-28 - note the order there.
• Reference: The ideas in the Porn Myth can be useful in adding cons. We can recommend the book.
• "Sometimes emphasizing all the benefits of the current addictive behavior may contribute to ambivalence (Miller & Rose, 2015), increase what is essentially “sustain talk” (DiClemente, Kofeldt, & Gemmell, 2011), and lead to chronic Contemplation. This is true both in individual and group treatments. In motivational interviewing terms, focusing on the “sustain talk” or arguments against change can prolong ambivalence and, in group settings, can trigger a “sustain talk downward spiral,” where group members reinforce the difficulty and impossibility of making a change. To avoid enhancing ambivalence and instead support reasons for change, decisional balance interventions must focus on increasing the personal meaning and importance that would promote change." Addiction and Change (The Exploring Values exercise can help with this)
• Challenging myths related to positive outcome expectancies and discussing the psychological components of substance use (e.g., placebo effects) provide the client with opportunities to make more informed choices in high-risk situations. Relapse Prevention, Second Edition: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors (Kindle Locations 273-275). Guilford Publications. Kindle Edition.

Further Reading

• Decisional Balance on Wikipedia
• The CBA worksheet - 4 Questions on SMART Recovery. A list of questions to help you fill out each of the 4 boxes.
• WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: LOWER YOUR DISCOUNT RATE (how to perceive short term benefits) McGonigal Ph.D., Kelly. The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It (p. 164). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
• Reasons for change

Torah Sources

• תהלים קיט, נט: חשבתי דרכי ואשיבה רגלי אל עדתיך. וברש"י: חשבתי דרכי - הפסד מצוה כנגד שכרה ושכר עבירה כנגד הפסדה לפיכך ואשיבה רגלי אל עדותיך כי ראיתי שהיא הטובה שבכולן.
• אבות פרק ב משנה א: והוי מחשב הפסד מצוה כנגד שכרה ושכר עבירה כנגד הפסדה.
• כלה רבתי פרק ד: אם חפץ אתה להרחיק מן החטא הוי מחשב לאין סופו, דכתיב החכם עיניו בראשו, ועיני כסיל בקצה ארץ, מסתכל למה שיש לפניו ומשכח בסופו.
• אבות פרק ב: איזוהי דרך ישרה שידבק בה האדם... רבי שמעון אומר הרואה את הנולד. וראה רבינו יונה שם, שנותן עיניו על כל דבר ורואה כל הדברים הנולדים קודם שיולדו, וכשרואה דבר שיש שכר בתחלתו וסופו מביא לידי הפסד, מתרחק ממנו ובזה לא יחטא לעולם. כי יחשוב שכר עבירה כנגד הפסדה, ועל כן יש לאדם להדבק בדרך ההיא, לחשוב בתחלה מה יהיה בסוף, ולחשוב כל עניניו על ידי מחשבה זאת.
• מסילות ישרים פרק ט"ו: הנה הדרך המובחר לקנות את הפרישות הוא שיסתכל האדם בגריעות תענוגות העולם הזה ופחיתותם מצד עצמם, והרעות הגדולות שקרובות להולד מהם. כי הנה מה שמטה הטבע אל התענוגות האלה עד שיצטרך כל כך כח ותחבולות להפרישו מהם הוא פיתוי העינים הנפתים במראה הדברים אשר הוא טוב וערב לכאורה, הוא הפיתוי שגרם לחטא הראשון שיעשה, כעדות הכתוב (בראשית ג, ו): ותרא האשה כי טוב העץ למאכל וכי תאוה הוא לעינים וגו' ותקח מפריו ותאכל, אבל כשיתברר אל האדם היות הטוב ההוא כוזב לגמרי מדומה ובלי שום התמדה נכונה, והרע בו אמיתי או קרוב להולד ממנו באמת, ודאי שימאס בו ולא ירצהו כלל, על כן זהו כל הלימוד שצריך שילמד האדם את שכלו להכיר בחולשת התענוגים האלה ושקרם עד שמאליו ימאס בם ולא יקשה בעיניו לשלחם מאתו. הנה תענוג המאכל הוא היותר מוחש ומורגש, היש דבר אבד ונפסד יותר ממנו? שהרי אין שיעורו אלא כשיעור בית הבליעה, כיון שיצא ממנה וירד בבני המעים אבד זכרו ונשכח כאילו לא היה, וכך יהיה שבע אם אכל ברבורים אבוסים כמו אם אכל לחם קיבר אם אכל ממנו כדי שביעה, כל שכן אם ישים אל לבו החלאים הרבים שיכולים לבוא עליו מחמת אכילתו, ולפחות הכובד שמגיעהו אחר האכילה והעשנים המהבילים את שכלו. הנה על כל אלה ודאי שלא יחפוץ אדם בדבר הזה, כיון שטובתו אינה טובה ורעתו רעה. ושאר כל ההנאות שבעולם כמו כן, אילו יתבונן בהם יראה שאפילו הטוב המדומה שבהם איננו אלא לזמן מועט והרע שיכול להולד מהם קשה וארוך עד שלא יאות לשום בעל שכל לשום עצמו בסכנות הרעות על רוח הטוב המועט ההוא. וזה פשוט. וכשירגיל את עצמו ויתמיד בעיונו על האמת הזאת, הנה מעט מעט יצא חפשי ממאסר הסכלות אשר החומר אוסר אותו בו ולא יתפתה מפתויי ההנאות הכוזבות כלל, אז ימאס בהן וידע שאין לו לקחת מן העולם אלא ההכרחי, וכמו שכתבתי.
• חשבון הנפש, לפין, סי' קלג, שאפשר בימינו להשתשמש גם בשלא לשמה בכדי להתרגל להרגלים טובים עיי"ש. וראה בתולדות יעקב יוסף (פ' חקת ד"ה ובזה בארתי) בשם הבעש"ט, חשבתי דרכי ואשיבה רגלי אל עדותיך (תהלים קיט, נט) אם ירצה לקום חצות לילה רק לש"ש ללמוד יתגרה בו יצה"ר, לכך עצה יעוצה שיעור לעסוק ברצכיו ודרכיו החומריים שיש בהם שייכות אל יצה"ר (חשבתי דרכי) ואם כאשר ירף ממונ (אשובה רגלי אל עדותיך). ועי' מנחת יהודה (אפשטיין) עמ' עד בשם הגר"א.
• Re: Pros vs cons: R Yisroel Salanter Ztz”l in igeres hamussar in essence brings out this yesoid regarding challenging our tendency to dimyon by activating sechel mode/reality by learning mussar. In other letters he addresses same nekuda. Chazak!  ברוך שכוונת! (GYE MEMBER)

Further Reading

• Battle of the Generation p. 234-5 talks about some sort of CBA and the benefits of it.
• Positive Vision Day 15 - The Power of Ulterior Motives (it's okay to focus on how you'll feel after. Example of Yosef with Potifar who started with a שלא לשמה reason. (Ozer Bigevurah also give this example - see below. The topic of shelo lishma motivation is also discussed in The Battle of the Generation Ch. 19 - "We must not listen to the voice that tries to ruin our excitement by condemning our motives — because it is just another dirty trick of the yetzer hara.").
  • Day 34 - Talks about making a list of consequences.
  • Day 41 - 47; 49-53 Talks about the lofty benefits of Shmiras Einayim. See also Day 66-67.
• Battle of the Generation Ch. 3 - What Really Makes Us Happy (Attaining what we desire does not make us happy, because physical pleasure can’t live up to the hype. • Realizing this allows us to stay calm and in control when we face desire. • Desire cannot satisfy us because it is not what we really long for. • Our ultimate desire is to reach greatness. • Hashem gave us the incredible opportunity to become great by challenging us with difficult spiritual battles, especially the battle against desire. WE CAN BECOME GREAT!)
  • Ch. 9 Missing Out (By telling us we are missing out on the best thing in life, the yetzer hara tries to make us miserable in an attempt to destroy us. But in reality, we will only miss out on the most amazing experience in life if we give in instead of fighting back.)

From the Quick Guide

This seems like a simple tool, but it’s actually incredibly powerful, and it could help you in many ways. So it’s worth investing a little bit of time in doing this exercise.

When you’ve finished these boxes, go through item by item and write down “short term”, or “long term” near each item. That’s it.  

Hopefully, this exercise will give you clarity of what you really want to do for yourself, the power of this exercise, is that it puts everything on one piece of paper.

Some days when you’re inspired, you’re thinking how great it can be to change. On days that you’re not inspired you think about why you want to continue and you forget about why you want to stop.  

Over here, when you’re putting them side by side on one piece of paper, it sort of makes things click. You start realizing, hey one second -  hey this is everything. These are all my feelings about the topic on this piece of paper, now what makes sense for me to do?

Am I ready to let go of the pros that are listed in the first box, all those great benefits of continuing what I’m doing? Am I ready to let go? Is it worth it for me?

Again, there are no right or wrong answers. And if you decide that you want to continue doing what you’re doing, there’s no one that could tell you differently. It’s not a mussar kind of thing, it’s something done between you and yourself to come to more clarity about what you really want. 

From GYE Members

• @Inastruggle presents the idea nicely here. He also suggests finishing it with a pledge.
• You wrote a very good reason, that it makes you feel unhappy in addition to knowing its assur. Unfortunately, as we know knowing its assur sometimes isn't enough. What you should do is sit down with a pen and a paper and list all the reasons why you want to break this habit, why it makes you unhappy. Then in another column write all the reasons why you want to continue. Weigh the pros and cons. What you will find is that technically you are sacrificing greater happiness and longlasting pleasure for short term small bursts of enjoyment with long aftereffects of unhappiness. Surely you will feel on an intellectual AND emotional levels that technically the pleasure of sin isn't all you made it out to be in the past. With this nice neat already made decision in your pocket, when you are confronted with desire it will seem easier to say no because it's not anymore a fight of deliciousness vs. religion, enjoyment vs. what you know is wrong, but rather a short few minute animalistic pleasure vs. much longer term pleasure. Now, that's a pretty simple decision. Of course it will be hard but this will definitely make it easier. (It changed everything for me). #Grant400
  • Let's begin your journey with a seemingly simple yet extraordinarily important question: Why do you want to stop? Is it just because it's an aveira or is there more? Does the fact that it's an aveira cause you unspeakable pain? Make you feel like you are living a lie? Do you feel unfaithful to something or someone? Is this addiction causing damage in other areas of your life? The first step is identifying the real reasons you want to stop, this way when confronted by an urge you have a powerful antidote. It's not just an esoteric piece of knowledge that it's wrong vs. tremendous desire. It's not simply an intellectual understand fending off something that easily transcends intellect. It's emotion against emotion. Now its pleasure fighting pleasure. You must understand that your real desire, the most enjoyable pleasures and the cremé de la cremé of fantasies is to remain clean and not indulge in a few short sighted moments of fleeting pleasure . Weigh the pros and cons, judge the advantages and disadvantages. Honestly. Now, come to a conclusion about which path will indeed cause the most pleasant outcome. Make it an understanding that when confronted with a desire to feast upon specific pleasures the response will be " Seriously? That's what I will really enjoy? Yes, maybe for a few fugacious moments, but with much longer lasting disturbing consequences. It's a futile immature attempt at happiness that will leave me with a gaping whole of guilt and frustration"! "No, for the sake of authentic bliss I will prevail and continue fighting and remaining clean"! Obviously it is harder than I'm making it seem, but this is an important step in planning a successful battle strategy for a successful future. #Grant400
    • I want to share an idea I read that really helped me out in all areas of desire. By that I mean, wherever it isn't intellect that is causing you to do or not do something, but rather desire or emotion. / The method is to sit down and think through, or write down, all the pros (of the issue you are dealing with) including the "bad" pros. For example, even the mere fact that you enjoy it and find it so pleasurable can go on the list of benefits. Then you write the cons and why you don't want to or shouldn't continue. (This is especially appropriate when you hit rock bottom and the cons are so obviously outweighing the pros). So now, after having weighed the issue on a purely intellectual level, make a decision if you want to continue with this practice or not. / So now you already decided the fight and struggle that will crop up in the future! Now, when faced with the challenge head on, it isn't as tough a fight as it was before because you say to yourself " Yes I know how desirable it is and how good I'll feel but I already took all that into consideration and decided that I have more to lose, and more unhappy and unpleasant feelings in the long run than the feelings which drive me now. / So once it's a nice neat packaged decision -not of yiras shamayim or that it's wrong and I shouldn't.....etc. that we know unfortunately can get steamrolled by desire... but rather a purely mathematical analysis that has already been determined by losing out more than gaining, of less pleasure vs. more pleasure (in the future), it becomes much easier to say no without further vacillation, even in the face of such intense desire. @Grant400
  • You don't necessarily have to read it, but by writing it you become clearer, and you can just run through a quickly in your head. It works wonders for me. Hatzlacha! #Grant400
• Just to build upon what grant400 was saying, the mishna in Avos says:  וֶהֱוֵי מְחַשֵּׁב הֶפְסֵד מִצְוָה כְּנֶגֶד שְׂכָרָהּ, וּשְׂכַר עֲבֵרָה כְנֶגֶד הֶפְסֵדָהּ. I think that this exercise is most effective when one actually considers that maybe he should choose to continue with the aveira. If it is forgone conclusion, it doesn't really help as much because the decision comes from a place of guilt rather than strength and resolve. #Jj123
• I found that this is the first step, number one, to identify your "why" and number two, to get an objective opinion on which ones are healthy and which ones aren't as well as if perhaps you may need stronger motivation. After you figure out your why, take a look at the various tools so that you can figure out how but first work on the why. Once you have your why, you can work on a CBA where you weigh the pros and cons of acting out to clarify for yourself what you really want from yourself. #wilnevergiveup
• Hello everyone, I've been gone too long but I'm back trying again to break free. I've been struggling with motivation and ambivalence. I made list of the reasons not to act out, but it doesn't seem to be enough. When I made the list, it's the part of me that wants to break free speaking. I wrote down pros and cons, but I knew that the reason I wrote them down was to convince myself to stop. So the part of me that wants to keep watching p... doesn't believe it. That part of me says, "You just made that list with an agenda, it's not an honest list of pros and cons, it's just a trick to make the cons side win. I don't believe it!" I don't understand how to get that part of me on board. If I internally yell at him and attack him, he just fights back harder. But I don't know what else to do. My behavior is unacceptable, so how can I accept the part of me that wants to do it? But if I refuse to accept him, he just fights back harder. I hope this makes some sense and it doesn't sound too crazy. #fr33et

From the Conversation Guide

By Dr. Shlomie Zimmerman

• Tapping into the truth of his essence, that he is a beautiful, worthy, beloved, chelek eloka mimal is the foundation of yiddishkeit and healthy living. To the degree one is tapped into that truth, one will avoid things which distance him from his true essence and Hashem (e.g., aveiros & negativity) and go towards things that are innately positive and good (e.g., mitzvos and maasim tovim).
• Learning to thoroughly invest oneself in positive things like learning, friendship, and hobbies, is inherently incredible and is the best approach to avoiding/forgetting sin.
• By trying hard, one demonstrates and enhances their connection to yiddishkeit and Hashem.
• In general, even if one cannot avoid or conquer a challenge, working hard at something and battling with internal and external forces develops one’s character and ability to handle challenges in numerous areas of life.
• Enhancing one’s abilities to redirect attention, engage in healthy and positive things, delay gratification, exert self-discipline, and exhibit restraint are all incredibly valuable tools for all areas of life.
• By avoiding inappropriate stimuli one can maintain proper focus on their current endeavors.
• By maintaining one’s purity of sight and mind one will feel better about themselves, have an uplifted existence, and be happier.
• While it may not seem that way in the midst of the struggle, we never lose anything by resisting the yetzer hara. We only gain by following the Torah.
• The more one becomes involved in the physical world (without elevating it with spirituality), the further one distances himself from the spiritual world and even decreases his own attunement to spiritual forces. (It is important that adolescents understand that “spiritual" does not necessarily mean something “mystical.” Rather, friendship, kindness, compassion, honesty, loyalty, commitment, etc. are all spiritual qualities.)
• The Torah is not against pleasure, rather, it is the guide to true maximal pleasure. The deep connection and spiritual pleasure accompanying the utilization of this drive in the way Hashem prescribes it is profound. Therefore, the Torah is recommending delaying gratification, until the proper context, so that higher levels of true pleasure can be achieved.
• The ultimate purpose of the sexual drive and its accompanying pleasure is something to be shared only with one’s wife, to enhance closeness and intimacy, and create life. Using it for self-gratification is in opposition to its purpose and will never approach the pleasure and holiness that accompanies using it in its ultimate context.
• Something that is supposed to be private and intimate but is instead public and shared diminishes its intimacy and ability to manifest and enhance a deep connection.
• Experiencing a very pleasurable activity exclusively, with one person, creates a very strong bond between them. The degree of its exclusivity enhances its specialness and the accompanying bond that is created.
• Lusting and self-gratifying diminish the value, refinement, beauty, and sanctity associated with sexuality in its proper form. Conversely, the degree one limits the sexual drive to its intended context enhances all those aspects.
• Pathological over-indulgence now can negatively impact long-term pleasure, connection, and intimacy. Conversely, restraining oneself can increase the ultimate long-term pleasure, intimacy, and connection to one’s essence, one’s wife, and to Hashem.

Ozer Bigevurah

[Section I Ch. 1 Step 2 - List the Reasons to Stop]

Intro

One of the hardest but most important questions for a bachur to answer is, “Why do you want to stop?”.

A bachur’s response will typically be “Because it’s bad.” Such a response is very shallow. If the bachur can’t express clearly why he wants to stop, then he won’t be able to stand up against the mighty yetzer hora, who comes with multiple justifications for why it’s okay. His situation would be analogous to when the German air force invaded Poland during WWII and were met with the Poles attacking them on horseback! By giving the bachur clear, strong reasons to put up a fight, you are giving him the ammunition to win his battle.

When mentoring a bachur, you may want to ask him, rhetorically, “Why do you have to stop? What’s the big deal? You do a lot of things that aren’t good. Don’t you sometimes forget to make a berachah acharonah, or daven with kavannah? So why are you making such a big deal about this?” Such questions will cause him to take a step back and think into his situation in a more logical way. Together with the bachur, you will want to create a list of reasons for why he should stop.

There are three qualifications as to which reasons should be included on this list.

1. They must be reasons not to do it even one time. This addiction, like smoking or any other, develops by acting out “just one time”. In essence, doing it once is the same thing as doing it a hundred times.
2. The reasons must be well-understood and accepted by the bachur. If the bachur simply reads off your list of what you think is important, then it won’t have the desired effect. The list should therefore preferably be made by the person himself, as certain reasons will ‘talk’ to him more than others. He should sit down and think along these lines: “Why do I want to stop this behavior pattern? What do I have to lose if I don’t stop? What’s wrong if I do this only once in a while?” You can help the bachur create a list, but it should be his list, with sincere and clearly expressed reasons. The bachur should then review his list often. That way, when he is faced with a nisayon, he will be able to remind himself, “You know what this nisayon means? It means _______ and ________ and _________. There is so much dependent on this issue. Is succumbing to the yetzer hora really worth it?”
3. Start off the list with gashmiyus-related reasons for why the bachur should stop, and then get to ruchniyus-related reasons. The reason for starting the list with gashmiyus-related reasons for why this behavior will affect his life in Olam Hazeh, follows what the Gemara says: when a person is faced with a strong nisayon, his yetzer tov plays a small role. Therefore, if a person has a simple, gashmiyus-related cheshbon for how he stands to lose in Olam Hazeh by doing it, then it will be more helpful for him than coming up with a ruchniyus-related reason for how this behavior will impact his Olam Haboh. This is particularly true if a bachur’s yiras shamayim is not so strong; such a bachur may, under certain circumstances, try to excuse himself from any ruchniyus-related reason to stop. Therefore, although ruchniyus reasons are very important (especially for a bachur who’s a real ben Torah), it is still preferable to start the list with gashmiyus-related reasons.

This idea of using gashmiyus reasons before ruchniyus ones can be seen from the Torah’s account of Yosef and the wife of Potifar. When she confronted him, Yosef’s first response to her was that doing this aveirah would betray her husband’s trust in him. Only afterwards did he continue on to say that by doing this aveirah, he would be sinning against Hashem. The list of reasons mentioned below is a sample list that helped one specific bachur. It was created together with a bachur who was struggling on an out-of-control level. (If, however, someone is dealing with a relatively minor issue, you obviously should not scare him by going into all of these reasons.)

Gashmiyus-related reasons

The following is a list of gashmiyus-related reasons:

1. It makes me feel depressed afterwards.

The pleasure from acting out only lasts for a very short time, and after the act is done, a person is left only with a lingering depression. The bachur could remind himself of the way he felt after the last time he did it and then ask himself, “What am I getting in return for those few seconds of pleasure?!”

2. It will have an adverse effect on my marriage.

Every person, even someone who is still young, thinks about how he would like to have a happy relationship with his wife. The bachur should know that if he continues to look at all kinds of shmutz, it’s going to take a very big toll on his marriage and family. He can therefore picture himself together with his wife and children, and tell himself, “I’m not willing to trade my family and children for this stupid little thing!”

3. I will never be satisfied with just a little bit.

A person can never fully satisfy this urge. It’s like trying to quench thirst by drinking salt water. Similarly, the more a person gives in to his urge, the more he will crave it. The only thing he’ll ‘gain’ is that it will be harder to stop later on.

4. The more I do it, the less pleasure it gives me.

The nature of this act is that a person gets used to doing it, and as time goes on, he eventually loses the pleasure he once had from it. Despite the lack of enjoyment, however, the person still feels the urge to continue doing it, and what remains instead is the pain of acting out and living out of control.

5. As this continues, it can lead to a full-blown addiction.

If a person continuously gives in to ever urge, then as time goes on, this becomes more and more beyond a person’s control.

6. I feel like a faker.

The “second life” a person is leading when no one else is looking, makes him feel like a faker. Nobody likes the feeling of being a faker, yet by acting out secretly, he is turning himself into that kind of person. (Many bachurim find this reason to be a powerful reason.)

7. I am afraid I will end up being caught.

The reality is that fakers typically get caught at some point in time. Who wants to live with that fear looming over his head?

8. My lack of control in this area can cause me to lose a respectable position in life.

Some of the most respected and successful people couldn’t control their ta’avos, which brought them so much shame and caused them to lose their jobs. A bachur can learn from this reality that ta’avah can spin out of control and cause a person to do irrational things, bringing him to a point of no return. Furthermore, he shouldn’t think that he will be able to limit his indulgence, because if so many people couldn’t control themselves, then who is to say that he’ll be any different.

9. My life dream may be shattered.

When a bachur begins acting out, it very commonly diminishes his cheishek for learning. A bachur could have worked for all of his years in Mesivta to develop into a talmid chacham, yet he will end up giving it away for a pleasure that lasts a mere few seconds.

10. Doing this will pervert my mind and change the way I think.

After looking at so much shmutz, a person begins to view everything else around him through a sick perspective, and he starts to think of the rest of the world in terms of that garbage. Even a bachur who does something wrong, doesn’t want to have a perverted mind.

11. Succumbing to this causes me to feel like a weakling, someone with no self-control.

Controlling oneself gives a person a feeling of strength. It’s worthwhile for a bachur to remember the good feeling that he had when he was able to control himself. Having self-control makes him into an emotionally strong and healthy person. It enables him to get along with others and to be successful in life. Lack of self-control, on the other hand, will cause a person to be unable to stand up and take charge of matters. Inevitably, he loses his personality and ability to be a ‘gavra’.

12. This makes me become more introverted.

Someone who lives a double life very commonly begins to have a difficult time getting along with other people. This happens for two reasons. First of all, hiding something (especially from people whom he’s close to) makes the person feel uncomfortable when he is around others. He therefore won’t be able to be a true friend, since a true friend can’t withhold this kind of secret from his friend. Second of all, the nature of a person is that his perception of how other people view him is based on his own view of himself. In other words, if a person sees himself as a faker, or as someone who does terrible things, then he will naturally feel that other people view him in the same way. Therefore, a bachur who is struggling with this may go from being someone who is part of the chevrah to being a loner.

13. My feelings of guilt can make me physically sick.

Some people are more prone (depending on their personality) to directing their hidden feelings of guilt and shame internally. Doing this often leads to all kinds of physical aches and pains, including stomach pain, back aches, headaches, difficulty seeing, and lapses in concentration. These pains are real and can become quite serious.

Ruchniyus-related reasons

The following is a list of ruchniyus-related reasons:

After discussing the gashmiyus-related reasons for why to stop, it’s important to list the ruchniyus-related reasons, since they, too, will help a bachur realize the severity of what he is doing and help him change. However, imparting this information will require you to use shikul hada’as in knowing how to build the bachur, and not create more guilt than he can handle and push him down even further.

1. A general understanding of why this topic is so important in one’s avodas Hashem:

Without a question, the entire Torah-- from the aseres hadibros to the slightest minhag-- is important. However, there are certain chalokim of the Torah that are considered centralic to being a Yid, and kedushas Yisroel is certainly one of them. There are numerous pesukim in the Torah and ma’amorei Chazal that support this idea. A bachur should become fluent in these ma’amorei Chazal, and realize that without kedushas Yisroel, there’s something lacking in one’s Yiddishkeit. (We are not referring here to those ma’amorim that talk about the halachos or onshim involved.)

2. Learning the halachos:

A bachur might have been under the mistaken impression that being careful with this inyan is a frumkeit, or that it’s something that’s not mei’ikar hadin. Clarifying that these issurim are explicit halachos in Shulchan Oruch often helps in terms of recognizing their severity. Many bachurim have said that while they knew it was bad and felt guilty about it, they never knew the full extent of the issur, and learning the halachos helped them a lot. Rav Yisroel Salanter ztz”l writes that by learning the halachos of what is muttar or assur, as well as the gedarim that Chazal instituted, a person gains in his zehirus.

In addition to gaining an understanding of the scope of these halachos, seeing them brought down in the Shulchan Oruch also helps a bachur see that it’s normal, not something far-fetched or uncommon. A bachur can often relate to the struggle better after learning about it inside a sefer. There is, however, one important point that one should bear in mind when discussing the halachos with a bachur. There are situations when a person is not ready to abide by the halachos, and seeing them will only minimize the chashivus of the Shulchan Oruch in his eyes. He may tell himself, “What can I do?! I guess I am unable to keep the Shulchan Oruch!” You therefore have to make sure that the bachur is at a stage where he could control himself, and that learning the halachos won’t do more damage than good.

3. A discussion of the onshim:

Hearing about the punishments in store for someone who falls in this area can be pretty frightening, but this is not a reason to completely eliminate yir’as ha’onesh from our avodas Hashem. Chazal told us the onshim because they wanted us to be aware of them. However, when you discuss onshim with a bachur, you must be extra cautious. If he is still at a point where he hasn’t done enough good yet, then it will be too hard for him to hear them. You might chas v’shalom bring about yi’ush in the bachur’s heart, or even a hatred towards Chazal for depicting such a bleak picture of his situation. Therefore, while it can sometimes be helpful for him to know about certain onshim, that applies only after one is doing well and wants to become stronger in his avodas Hashem. The yir’as ha’onesh can then act as a deterrent when he is faced with a struggle. Overall, though, you will need to use tremendous shikul hada’as (and at times ask a she’eilas chacham) with regards to how and when to mention these punishments.

4. The effects this has on a person:

There are many aveiros that, if a person does them, he will not turn into a different type of person as a result. However, this aveirah is different. If someone is chas v’shalom overcome by this struggle, then he develops a timtum haleiv, which changes him into a different kind of person. (As with the previous reason, your discussion will have to be tailored to the specific bachur you are working with, since you obviously don’t want to cause more harm by frightening him.)

5. The rewards for someone who controls himself:

It is important for a bachur to know the tremendous rewards a person gets when he is able to withstand this nisayon. This knowledge should be at the forefront of his mind, and should act as a reminder for why it’s worthwhile to put up the fight against his yetzer hora. What the Steipler writes should also be mentioned-- that all the negative descriptions Chazal have for someone who is nichshal can be turned into a reward when one withstands the nisayon and is misgaber on his ta’avah. He then brings upon himself and the entire world, a level of kedushah comparable to that of Yosef hatzaddik. Internalizing this can give a bachur a positive boost when he is doing well.

Quick Recap

• One of the hardest but most important questions for a bachur to answer is, “Why do you want to stop?”.

• Together with the bachur, you will want to create a list of reasons for why he should stop.

• Although ruchniyus reasons are very important, it is still preferable to start the list with gashmiyus-related reasons.