Difference between revisions of "How I reached 90 days"

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Note: This is small fraction of stories from GYE members.
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=== From the Front Lines (#2) ===
 
=== From the Front Lines (#2) ===
 
"NachalNovea" writes on the forum:
 
"NachalNovea" writes on the forum:
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* Externalizing Urge.  
 
* Externalizing Urge.  
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* Imagery techniques (making it disgusting)
 
* Davening.  
 
* Davening.  
 
* Being a Giver.  
 
* Being a Giver.  
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* Stimulus Control.  
 
* Stimulus Control.  
 
* Daily Inspiration.  
 
* Daily Inspiration.  
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* 90 day chart
  
 
=== From GYE Ezras Noshim: I made it past 90 days b"h! ===
 
=== From GYE Ezras Noshim: I made it past 90 days b"h! ===
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* Stimulus Control
 
* Stimulus Control
 
* Beliefs about semen retention
 
* Beliefs about semen retention
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=== "Hashem-Help-Me" has BH made it 90 days ===
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Thank you for setting up this program. BH, I just hit 90 days; something I wouldn't have dared to dream about in the past. But you did so much more for me for which I will be eternally grateful. I thought I joined GYE to stop sinning. I found out I joined GYE to begin living. GYE has taught me in 90 days so much truth about myself that for years I never saw. I am growing as a person in many ways - and before never even realized I was missing so much! ( I was definitely missing humility).
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GYE has taught me what intimacy is (and what it is not), and the proper perspective and behaviors in the bedroom (and everywhere else as well - in all husband/wife interactions). Your daily chizuk emails, shiurim (especially R' Simcha Feuerman's chosson shiurim), taphsic (without actual shvua), 90-day incentive chart were all very helpful.
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Most probably the main credit for my success goes to the connecting with real people both on the forums and on the phone. Nice, normal, intelligent, ehrlich, caring people who "have been there and done that" make themselves available for all of us scared newcomers who arrive with the ingrained thinking that we are losers and reshaim - and that there is no hope. They are passionate about helping others win this war. Although different members utilize different methods, the common denominator is "it can be done".
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During those early days when withdrawal from my "drug" was so horribly intense, they held my hand and kept me going. Thanks to them, I actually believe that bli ayin hora, there is a very strong possibility I will never masturbate again. Personally, my thank you must go one step, actually one dimension further. As I have written in the forums, for the past few years I have had to be taking a "cocktail" of three psychiatric medications. My doctor had me come to terms that this unfortunate situation would probably be a lifelong issue. Any previous attempts to wean myself off any of these medications was met with absolute failure. After being on GYE for about one month, I felt a menuchas hanefesh that I did not know existed. Bli ayin hora I slowly dropped one medication. Of course, I went to speak this over with my psychiatrist who was so excited with my progress that b'ezras Hashem, we are now a few days into weaning me off the next medication. Despite this being a difficult process, things are BH looking good. Believe it or not, doc (who happens to be one of the most highly recommended - and expensive) actually suggested that if this phase goes well, I should attempt to drop the third after another two months without incident. (Don't worry, I am going to be super careful - I know all too well what mental illness looks like....)
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Do you realize what this means?! You are giving me a new lease on life!! May Hashem truly bless all the GYE people - founders, supporters, technicians etc. along with all the chevra from the forums and the phones with an overabundance of brocho and more brocho and even more brocho!
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Notes:
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* Social support
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* and more...
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=== GYE changes a bochur's life! ===
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I want to share with you that one of my clients was expelled from his yeshiva for inappropriate advances to bochurim, and he came to see me. I did some work with him around SSA and boundary setting, and directed him to GYE.
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GYE has changed his life! He has adopted the TaPhSik programme and is well on the way to his 90 days. He is now back in yeshiva and sober. The Yeshiva gave him access to the office computer so he can check in to GYE for chizuk. Another zechus in your ever-increasing portfolio. Tizku le’mitzvos.
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Jonathan R*****n
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Family & Couples Systemic Psychotherapist
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Notes:
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* Taphsic
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=== Member 'Singularity' Reaches 90 Days Clean ===
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Hello, GYE!
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I'm so excited for having reached this point and experiencing the cleanest, most honest and most growing 3 months in my entire life, or whatever I called "life" before now. Death, perhaps.
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What helped me? The forum. The dedicated, constant posters, moderators and Dov, for always-open communication channels regardless of location and profession. The forum friends didn't preach chiddushim to me, but rather made me realize that which I already knew, and motivated me to take steps I was too scared to before.
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I am now BH in a good recovery fellowship with SAA here in SA (South Africa) and have so many more connections and people to open up with, that my "safety net" has never been as strong. I am learning every day how to surrender my lust and my ego and am slowly feeling the thrill of actually dealing with life's stresses as opposed to hiding and using my (least) favourite drug!
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To my absolute delight, I realised my overeating was NOT an addiction and did NOT compel me to join OA as well. Within these three months, after having hit a "rock bottom" overeating during Sukkos, I have eaten better, exercised and become a more fulfilled human being. I feel my success in that area is because of pearls of wisdom and mindsets gleaned from GYE and SAA. I finish long runs One Step at a Time! I ask God to help me up that tiring hill. And then sneak-in asking Him for a clean day, to remove my lust, and to help me serve Him.
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I believe it's important to have a mitzvas Asei (exercise, learning, something positive) in tandem with the lo ta'aseh of refraining from lustful behaviours. I've tried the latter alone in the past, especially when focusing on it meant neglecting other areas, ie overeating and not exercising, and it has not been good for me. I grow better holistically.
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In the incident with the Moabite women in the Torah, Pinchas stepped to the plate. And made a bold step. A zealous step. And he saved a dead situation.
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This was the last test before entry into Eretz Yisroel. If ''Ma'aseh Avos Siman l'Banim'', then what we face in our generation is the final frontier. It's unsalvagable unless we make bold steps. And GYE has done that. You are saving the entire world and pushing us all through to the Geulah, bim'Heira b'Yameinu!
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I thank Hashem for your organisation and the true stepping stones to sanity! Keep up the holy work!
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Notes:
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* 12 steps
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* Lifestyle Balance
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=== What helped me reach 90 days? ===
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By Yitzchok
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Dear Guard Your Eyes Team,
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First of all, thank you very much for everything you do and did for me and for the whole of Klal Yisroel.
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Here's in short what helped me most:
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* In the beginning, I used to update my Chart daily - that was basically the highlight of getting another day on the chart - but over time I began to update every few days and this seemed to work. Now, I try to update every week or so.
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* I also have the full support of my wife. Very interestingly, it happened on my 91st day that she said to me that my radiance has changed over the past couple of days, as I started smiling more for no apparent reason.
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* I also go to a therapist who is doing a great job getting all the secrets out of me.
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* I wrote on the forum every so often to update my progress, and now I use the forum quite actively - and also our private hangout group.
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Hazloche Rabba in all you do!
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Notes:
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* Tracking
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* Social support (including wife)
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* Forum
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=== A Clean Chanuka Licht ===
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A Freilichen Chanuka!
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How was the first Chanuka Light by you?
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By me, it was amazing, B<nowiki>''</nowiki>H, there was this clean feeling - sitting by the candles, connecting to myself and to Hashem, trying to keep my little boy occupied at the same time, wonderful family time and wonderful Hashem time!!!
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This Shabbes, the old drives started to come up, in forms of old pictures and videos. B<nowiki>''</nowiki>H, I managed to steer my thoughts to other places; the thing that kept me at bay, not to go into the circles {I do want - no, I don't want}, was the amazing TaPHSiC Method program.
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It was just by the Chanuka Licht, I realized why the YH went on such an assault today! It was the last day chance to get me before Chanuka, imagine how I would have felt if I would have fallen after working nearly a whole month on Clean Kislev Project - Lekoved Chanuka, just to fall 1 day before Chanuka!!!!!!!!!
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I would have been Broke!
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Don't worry, I don't think that the YH forgot me - he is still at work. So somewhere this week, I'll have to renew my Shvua, as it is expiring on Rosh Chodesh Teves.
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Notes:
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* Taphsic
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=== I was matzliach - here's how! ===
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by GYE Member (See all authors)
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I was matzliach on the 90 day journey and this is what I realized:
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1) I must stay busy
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2) I have to wholeheartedly want to complete the 90 day journey
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3) I must learn every day
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I stick with the daf yomi in particular. It brings help from the shchinah, which is the key of fighting the yetzer hara. Also, there's an inyan of starting a new hobby, and learning on a daily basis helps fill in the gap of acting-out for the better.
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Also, it's considered doing Tshuva, because when we act out, the thought/imagination of the zera comes from the core with in our mind. And ke-neged that, we use the core of our minds to break our heads to learn Gemara, which is part of our tshuva journey.
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Also, it helps to wake up our neurons in our mind to become people who are able to think.
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4) Reading the daily Chizuk list that GYE offers helps a lot
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Notes:
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* Staying busy
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* Motivation
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* Yiddishkeit
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* Hobbies (Daf Yomi)
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* Daily inspiration
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=== Victory over lust - one day at a time ===
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Hi,
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I am clean now for over 90 days for the first time. On your congratulating email, it asked me to share what helped me get to 90 days.
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Before coming to GYE, I was blind to the extent and depth of my addiction. The word "addiction" never came to mind in all the years I was acting out. GYE taught me about lust addiction and slowly broke me into the idea of real recovery. First, I read the GYE handbook and posted a bit on the forum. Then, I joined your phone conferences. When I finally joined SA (after a great conversation with Dov from the forum - may he be blessed!) I came to the meetings with a lot of awareness that allowed me to feel comfortable with the program.
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Today I have a sponsor, a partner, and a long list of recovering fellows who I am comfortable calling and sharing anything with. I am working the steps with my sponsor and am currently at step three. In the meantime, so many things in my life are improving that until I came to the program, I never realized how messed up they were. My relationship with my wife and kids is starting to develop in a great way (sad sentence, as I am married 5+ years and have 3 kids, but true). I am sober over 90 days but am starting to really be able to live "one day at a time." I try to go to at least 5 meetings a week. But most of all, I am starting to be honest - with my wife, children and myself. It is shocking how dishonest I was till now, and gratifying how liberating honesty can be. It sure stunk living a big lie my whole life.
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I can't thank you enough for what your website has done for me. I really feel you have given me a second lease on life.
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Sincerely,
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Yaakov
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Notes:
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* 12 Steps
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=== GYE is the gateway to true sobriety. ===
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by GYE Member (See all authors)
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I was struggling since age 15. Never made it past 20 days on a good cycle. I found GYE by doing a search in Google.
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Originally, I thought that if I joined the 90 day challenge, things would be fine. It wasn't. I was too scared to join a meeting. I searched on your site to see if there were recorded meetings that I could listen to instead of live meetings. What I found was Joe and Charlie's 12-Step recordings. I listened to them and realised that this is what I should be doing. So I wrote to SA, and I got an email for the local guys. I joined a meeting and got a local sponsor, and, thank G-d, I have been sober ever since (well over a year).
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I am currently sponsoring 2 guys locally, as well. I continue using the website to keep track of my sobriety.
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Thanks, GYE!
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Notes:
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* 12 Steps
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=== 90 Day Insights ===
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A few insights and thoughts into my 90 days:
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by GYE Member (See all authors)
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1. It´s my second time reaching 90. I fell pretty hard about a month after reaching my first 90 days. I learned that I can't let my guard down. I must watch for the ¨I'll never fall again¨ thoughts.
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2. Although it's a huge milestone, it's really only a number. Nothing magical happens once you hit the number 90. I'm definitely not "cured". Still have to take things one day at a time.
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3. Speaking to my rebbi was the best thing that's happened after finding GYE. I must build upon it and make it the strong tool that I need.
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4. I can't be a perfectionist about it. I can't let the only thing keeping me going be the fear of losing the number. That's when I lose sight of the real goal.
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5. I must keep up with the tools on GYE on a regular basis. They have been my lifeline from the start.
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6. I must be fully cognizant of the fact that I am not alone in this battle. Almost everyone deals with or has dealt with it in some form.
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Tools Used:
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1. Forums. Best way to connect with others going through same or similar situations. Good for talking about anything on my mind.
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2. TaPHSiC Method. A way to just stop. It gave myself no other choice then stopping. I used it late into the game but it got me back on track.
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3. 90 day chart. Good for keeping a written record of where I was holding. It gave me some motivation when I was feeling weak.
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4. Partner program. Basically acted as a personal helpline. I also started this late, but it helps tremendously.
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I hope this helps with what you are doing.
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Note:
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* Social Support (including Rebbe)
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* Taphsic
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* Tracking
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* Avoided overconfidence
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=== How I reached 90 days ===
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By Lotta Hope
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by GYE Member (See all authors)
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I had been falling at least three times a week, so it was surely a struggle. I took the 90 days in steps, committing to what I thought I could manage - 10 days at a time. Clicking "still clean" gave me a small feeling of control that I relished, so regularly updating my chart helped me stay motivated.
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Pinpointing what made me feel weak, and what my fears were in terms of falling, and sharing them on the forum gave me transparency and helped keep my journey real.
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It was these 90 days that helped me let go of my need to act out; I hope I can do another 90.
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Note:
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* Tracking
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* Social support
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=== A Miraculous Transformation ===
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By Diamond Spark - GYE female member
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See [https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/testimonials/item/a-miraculous-transfomration?category_id=397 here].
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=== 90 days sober after 30 years of acting out ===
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I have been an addict forever. It started when I was 14 and now I'm 44, so it's been 30 years.
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About 10 years ago, I joined Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and worked with different sponsors unsuccessfully. I just couldn't maintain sobriety. The SA definition of sobriety is "no sex with self or anyone other than one's spouse and progressive victory over lust." According to my sponsor, lusting is not gaining victory over lust so it's considered loss of sobriety. This caused me to continually have to start over.
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Then I went thru a תקופה of major anxiety and was directed to start dropping some of the projects out of my life to make it more manageable. SA was one of them. But getting out of the program caused a huge decline, during which I crossed many red lines. It became clear I needed another עצה.
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That's when I found Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). They allow you to do certain behaviors while avoiding others. This was the breakthrough. I, for once, could be sober while still lusting. I wasn't a constant רשע anymore. I continued building on my avoidance list until, finally, I was ready to adopt GYE's standards of sobriety. By then, staying sober was a breeze and now, it's not a struggle at all. I'm loving every minute of it! It just might be the עצה for some people. Keep it in mind.
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Thanks for all you do. Keep it up and תזכו למצות!
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Nathan
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Note:
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* Goal Setting (Using GYE's standards of Sobriety)
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* SAA
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=== Packing List for a 90-day journey ===
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Member "S.M." shared what helped him upon reaching 90 days clean:
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There are many different strategies that one can employ in order to reach a target. I can only share what worked for me.
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I found the Step 1 share incredibly liberating and it allowed me to get rid of fantasies that were swirling around my head. This allowed me to finally air-out how sick I was and admit to safe people that my life was completely unmanageable and that I was addicted to lust. Until that point, either I didn't know or I was in denial about how sick I was.
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The importance of the fellowship was critical for me in this early stage of recovery. It has allowed me to reach out and ask for help - this is the message of Step 2 - I cannot fight this disease by myself and I need the strength and unity of like-minded people to help me learn to live with this disease. The guys help me reach out and break my isolation. They have given me the strength to realize that I may never get "healed" from sensitivity to lust, and it is something that I have to live with and adapt my life accordingly. Very much like a chocoholic who finds out that he is a diabetic - either he changes his lifestyle or he dies. My disease is exactly the same, either I stop giving in to my lust or I die. Of course it is hard and there are times I just want to say 'to hell with it all'. But it is at this point that I fall back to my Step 1 - I don't want to die.
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I also have found helpful my incredibly supportive wife. I know I broke all the 'rules' when I told her everything, she even read my Step 1 before I gave it. Obviously, this led to a tremendously difficult few weeks. However, she has accepted me for who I am, she isn't happy about it and sometimes she wants to give up, but she is giving me the most unbelievable support. I am completely accountable to her. There is a book called 'For Men Only' by a guy called Jeff Feldhahn, it gave me a lot of insight into my wife's mind and it showed me how to be there for her and give her the emotional space that she needs. Of course, it is hard, and there are times that it is extremely difficult, and I am not there for her. But at least now, I know when I have screwed up and why.
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One more thing that helped me was that I had a sponsor that knew I didn't want to lose my sobriety. I know that for much of the last 90 days I have been white-knuckling. But my sponsor helped keep me sane and guided me through very troubled and turbulent waters. It took about 70 days of white-knuckling and being brutally honest with my sponsor before I was able to start a "positive" sobriety.
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Additionally, I had to learn to take each moment as it comes. It is so hard to live knowing that you may never get better. So instead of focusing on the future, take each moment as it comes and in that moment, focus on why you are doing what you are doing.
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Finally, without prayer and without G-d's help I would never have gotten to this point. I have been frum my whole life, but it is only now that I am finally learning how to pray to G-d. ''My'' G-d. The G-d who ''loves'' me.
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I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But if we live for today we can trust that tomorrow will be even better.
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Notes:
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* 12 steps
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* One day at a time
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=== How I Got to 90 Days ===
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Thank you, thank you, thank you GYE!!!
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Before I started the 90 days this time (I did it once before but fell soon after...), I was so afraid. I have been falling every other day and I was terrified of failing but even more terrified of letting go of my self-pleasure. Finally, after receiving some help from people on GYE, I realized that I would always want the acting out, but that there was something else that I wanted too - and more deeply. That was sobriety. To be clean. To be able to feel close to God. So I began.
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I was afraid of trying for 90 with nothing to help me in moments of temptation. I did try to avoid those moments, but what really helped was:
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a) The Taphsic method. I vowed that if I wanted to act out, I'd first have to say "Hashem, I want to be close to you" 100 times. If I still fell after that, I'd pay $50 to GYE. If I fell without doing that (even though I remembered), then I'd have to pay $100 to GYE. I didn't fall.
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b) I joined DC's 12 step conference calls. Being constantly involved in recovery talk and thoughts and doing the exercises has helped me SO MUCH.
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Notes:
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* 12 Steps
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* Taphsic
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=== 20 Years in 90 Days ===
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This is truly wonderful! I've received a huge bracha to be able to reach this point. After a good 20+ years of addiction, I'd totally given up on ever getting near healed and simply accepted that this was my affliction in life, my pain and burden that I had to bear (along with all the knock-on effects of carrying it).
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In the last 90 days, not only have I felt much better about myself, I have strived in so many areas of my life (marriage, friends, work, etc). I never knew I was capable of all of these rapid improvements! But as I started to see results, I just kept reminding myself that my self-esteem was more precious than any pain-killing image, and that's how I got to 90 days. I'm obviously very scared to slip, now that I realize how much I have to lose.
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I had wonderful support from my sponsor; just knowing he was on the end of a text message or email kept me very sane. He's on the other side of the world from me, but like a true brother.
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And so I say to anyone reading this who thinks it will never end: "please, please think of yourself, do yourself a massive kindness and put the shmutz down. You think you need it, you think there's no escape but it isn't true. I promise!"
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Thank you, GYE, for giving me my life back after 20+ years!!!
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With love
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Noah
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Notes:
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* Social support
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* Mindset
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=== 90 days ===
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I'm proud to say that I have completed ninety days clean!
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Now, whenever my teachers talk about working hard on something and improving, or about self control, I have this good feeling inside, knowing that I did it.
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I am so, so, so happy. I feel free!
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=== Sharing with Others ===
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My words cannot express the amount of agony, angst, joy, and pressure leading up to this day. The smoke has begun to clear, and another 90 days are barely seen in the distance. But, I can proudly say that I have walked up this hill with full efforts, 'all in'! The only way to continue climbing that huge mountain called LIFE is by continuing my growth in GYE through the Step Program. Though there have been many battles, the war has just begun... it is constant, every day a new page, but today is the beginning of a new chapter. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A bright one.
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Thank you GYE! Thank you Dad, Hashem, Master of the Universe! I couldn't have done it without you.
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What helped the most was a close friend knowing exactly what I was going through, day in and day out. He also was notified if I had a fall. I was held accountable for all of my actions. Not in La-la land, but with a real person! The Taphsic method also helped a ton! The consequences were realized. If I fell, I was accountable. I had to 'pay up'.
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The most successful method I have found is to bring other people into your world who you have to interact with every single week. You see them in shul, you see them sometimes during the week at davening, he's an angel looking out for me. My Rov also knows on a high level what I am doing--he knows this is a challenge for me. He knows I am in the GYE program. This makes the impact real, it makes it hit close to home.
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So for those of us who are not telling the closest people in our lives - our wives, our friends, our Rabbi's, our family - we are setting a Bor in front of our path, ready to fall into it. Our lives will become extremely complicated very quickly. We will be twisted in a web of secrets, constantly hiding from the closest people in our lives. We'd be fooling ourselves if we feel we are achieving greatness, growth through the program. Our best friend, the most important person in our life, is unaware of our struggles, our achievements, and our growth in overcoming what we've been put on this Earth to overcome. WE ARE THE SUPER SOLDIERS of this generation, this time in history. It's obvious. I need not say more.
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All the best to my brothers. May we be successful in conquering this mission. The world depends on us. G-d, kaviyochel, depends on us.
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J.L.
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Notes:
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* Social support (big time!)
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* Taphsic
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=== Thank you for slowing me down! ===
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by Anonymous
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Dear GYE!
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Have I said "thank you" to you yet? Well, I'd better hurry up, so here it goes:
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THANK YOU! for getting me to finally stop running like a horse into battle (language of the mesilas yesharim); and for slowing me down, like the Ramchal says, to think about what I was doing. While active in the addiction, one can't think, one doesn't think.
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It's only because of the 90 day challenge that we finally have a chance to realize things that we never realized before!
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Notes:
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* 90 Day Chart
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=== You don't have to be an addict to benefit ===
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by Finally Finally
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I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you do!
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I am not and never was a real addict.
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My problem was only when I found myself with the yetzer hara right in my face (alone in front of unfiltered internet, business trip in a hotel alone, etc).
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BH since I joined GYE I have not had one fall.
 +
 +
Just the feeling of achrayus and having a sponsor to email if I need him and the 90 day chart have done the trick for me.
 +
 +
Thanks so much!
 +
 +
* Social Support
 +
* Tracking
 +
 +
=== GYE truly saved me ===
 +
by Ezra
 +
 +
"Ezra" posted on the forum:
 +
 +
I am in my 30's, have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this "struggle" for about 13 years. I got involved in online porn when I was in college. I started with small things that eventually led to watching things I never imagined I would look at. I couldn't stop and didn't want to. I thought marriage would help, but it didn't. I never really gave it a great effort to stop until now. I also learn daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught me twice, but being that I have developed a real provenience at hiding, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't happen again. The real kicker was last year. I was bored and stupid at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted. I decided then and there that I had enough. If I had gotten fired for that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what would have happened to my marriage. I was also having difficulty doing my work, which I attribute to difficulties associated with this problem.
 +
 +
So there you have it. I was looking for help, found the GYE website, signed up, put on the k-9 filter and have been "clean" ever since (38 days today). Not saying I don't have the desire, but I haven't gone back there again.
 +
 +
Ezra posted again:
 +
 +
I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of hitting day 60 yesterday. I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy.
 +
 +
My sense of appreciation to the GYE staff and those that have supported me cannot be expressed enough. Over the last couple of days I have been reading the stories section of both men and their wives. The story of the man that got busted talking to minors blew me away. Who knows where my own internet problem could have taken me? I never got involved outside of the web and certainly not with minors, but I never imagined I would do some of the stuff online that I did. (I write this with tears in my eyes). I have been tearing up a lot today thinking about this issue.
 +
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You GYE people truly saved me. I have a beautiful marriage and children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (''no one'' thinks they will ever get caught). That scares the heck out of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong. Thank g-d I never hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the ability to "hit bottom while still on top". I am at day 60!! And feeling great. I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin). THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!
 +
 +
For those like myself who continue to struggle. Here are the three things I can point to that have kept me strong:
 +
 +
1. Thinking about the above i.e. all that I can lose - marriage, parnasah, my children, oy vey - is it worth it?!!!
 +
 +
2. Thinking about how I feel afterwards.
 +
 +
3. The filters I have installed (even though I know how to get around them - they are still an additional step).
 +
 +
4. Having my name on the chart and knowing that I would have to start on day one again. I encourage everyone to sign up for the chart, it is really helpful. It has stopped me multiple times; I didn't want to have to publicly admit failure and to start over myself.
 +
 +
Thanks again everyone, I am truly crying tears of joy and appreciation today. I feel great and overwhelmed with joy.
 +
 +
THANK YOU!
 +
 +
Notes:
 +
 +
* Hitting bottom while still on top
 +
* Recall negative consequences
 +
* The 90 day chart
 +
* Accountability
 +
 +
=== RATM ("Rage at the Machine") ===
 +
"Rage" is gonna be upset at me for wishing him a Mazal Tov now, because he gave up 72 of his days to help someone ''else'' who was struggling on the forum - and he's officially only at day 20 now. ''What?'' How can someone "give up" days for someone else? Well, let me bring you his amazing post. This is one of the greatest examples of ''Ahavas Yisrael'' that I have ever seen on our forum (and ''that's'' saying a LOT :-)
 +
 +
''RATM writes to someone who was unable to make it more than 3-5 days at a time for the past year or so, yet who still never gave up:''
 +
 +
You know, this 90 day chart is very, very important to me, and I ''do'' think it is very important... When I saw this site and started getting involved in the 90 days I honestly did not think I will last 2 days... I was so unbelievably weak... It was years since I last even ''tried'' to be clean... I went on vacation this summer and I thought I'd give it another shot... I figured that when I quit smoking, it started with a two week vacation in which I didn't smoke a single cig... So I figured, if I go the vacation without porn and masturbating, I'd beat this too... Well, within a few days I was locked into a cramped bathroom with my netbook, cursing myself the world and losing faith in everything... That was this past summer... I was truly hopeless... I gave up... I said, you know, this world is just not made for such godliness... this 'lust war versus G-d' is over, and G-d lost... That was my thinking the day I came across this site - as I was searching for even ''more'' deviant porn... This network: a beacon of hope in an ocean of destruction... a little tiny signal, blip, blip, blip... soft and weak... but there... flashing and calling the lost souls.... So I followed the beacon and was on the 90-Day chart and it became very very important to me... I read a lot on the site and forum, and I began eliminating lust... Before, I would think about sex all the time... during business meetings, lust; on the subway, lust; on the street, lust; even during learning or davening, and even when I was with my wife I would fantasize... I changed that for the sake of the chart.... I knew that if I wanted to ''stay'' on that chart I would need to stop lusting... And sometimes I white-knuckled it to get through another tough day and stay on that chart. But as I continued and worked on not lusting, I didn't need to white-knuckle as much anymore... And even when I left the forum for a while, I was still very careful to come every day and update the chart... The march had to go on... I went through three ''niddah'' cycles so far... they were hard... It is still is harder during those times... But the march goes on... and I let go of lust... I just don't think about sex... When a sexual thought comes up, I make it go away, whether through prayer, rage, jokes, or something else... I don't let it linger and fester and grow... Getting to the top of that chart was such a big part of the change in my life... Just seeing the numbers get closer and closer to the big 90 was so important to me... Well, I earned 76 days - and I am now two weeks away...
 +
 +
''And then Rage dropped the bomb shell. For the sake of this struggling person, he removed himself from the 90-Day chart at day 76 and signed up again as only 4 days clean - in order to climb back up to the top of the chart TOGETHER with this other struggling member. Here's what he wrote:''
 +
 +
So here's the thing... I put myself at exactly your pace (go update yourself today to day 4)... And we will climb this thing together... Every day that you update, I will update (and ''chalila'' the opposite too)... And some time around Purim, we will both be near the top together... 90 Days... together... I really really wanna climb this thing back to the top, so let's go, please... No more falls... One day at a time... Half a day at a time... Here... Now...
 +
 +
''After 7 days clean together, Rage made another commitment for the sake of their "partnership":''
 +
 +
''Besiman tov ubemazal tov'' - we have hit one week clean together... In honor of the seven days and the 'no more falls' initiative, we are happy to announce that for every week of the first 5 weeks that we stay clean during our 13 week adventure, Rage will donate $18 to GYE... The donation will only vest at the completion of the 5 weeks should we be ''zoche''... For weeks 6-10, Rage will donate $36 per week to GYE, such donation vesting at the end of the 10th week... For the last three weeks, Rage will donate $52 a week, with the donation vesting at the completion of the 90 days... So far, we have raised $18 for GYE (should we make it through the first 5 weeks)...''bracha vehatzlacha'' to all!...
 +
 +
''After they reached 14 days together, RAGE began to FAST for this other member as well. Here's what he wrote:''
 +
 +
I have accepted upon myself ''bli neder'', to fast three days, Monday, Thursday, Monday, starting tomorrow, with the purpose of each fast day to ask Hashem to make this easier for you... I have accepted the fast for tomorrow and will ''be"h'' be fasting for you... And again on Thursday and again on Monday... My prayer, taken from ''masechet Brachot'', is that Hashem should view the fat and blood that I lose as a result of the fast, as if I sacrificed them on the ''mizbeach'', and take my sacrifice as a prayer that you should have an easier time to reach 90... And the ''second'' part of my Kabbala is, that every time we fall, ''chas veshalom'', I will take upon myself, ''bli neder'', another three day fasts, Monday Thursday Monday, until we reach our destination of 90.... WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!!!
 +
 +
May Hashem be with us.
 +
 +
''What a beautiful display of Ahavas Yisrael!Ashrecha Yisrael, Mi Kamocha!''
 +
 +
Some recent posts by Rage:
 +
 +
Considering the lust-assault we're facing in today's world, it's no surprise we're here on GYE... But the fact that we said we will NOT play along and we will NOT join in the game and we will NOT be another clone, is reason enough to believe we have a little sanity left... Sanity is a full time job in this world, you know...
 +
 +
If you look around the forum, you will notice that some addicts have this notion that somehow being less or more "religious" has something to do with fighting this thing... What attracted me to this ''chabura'' in the first place was a message I read somewhere on the home-page that said something like: "We need to recognize that this is an addiction that has nothing to do with our level of observancy..." The two are separate tracks that both need to be worked on, but this addiction needs to be worked on ''more urgently''... Becoming more religious will generally ''not'' solve this issue.
 +
 +
When I get attacked by lust I turn to Hashem and I say...''"You're kidding me, right?... You put us here in a world where we didn't stand a chance... This Fourth Reich culture that shoves lust and gluttony in our face is too powerful... We can't even turn on the freekin Disney channel without this cr*p gettin shoved at us... on the subways, on the streets, in the books and magazines... we never had a shot... So you know what? This one is on YOU... You take it and You deal with it... It's Your problem now... Next time, if you want me to deal with it, make it a fairer fight..."'' Yeah, I'm goin to h*ll for talking like that to the big dude, but I'm going ''anyway''. At least I will go sober and free :-)
 +
 +
* Social support
 +
* Surrender
 +
 +
=== MAZAL TOV TO "KEDUSHA" Upon 6 Months Clean! ===
 +
by Kedusha
 +
 +
"Kedusha" is one of GYE's most active members. He is always looking for ways to help promote GYE in the religious world, and to help other members grow. Just today, he posted a new incentive to help struggling members reach 90 days (see this post). And he was also the one to suggest the $90/90-Day initiative back in Elul (see here). He also recently sponsored some ads in a major Jewish magazine, and he sent letters to the Rabbanim of his community to make them aware of the dangers of the internet and of the work that we are doing in GYE (see here). He has sponsored various ads in the past, and has donated a number of times as well. He is in charge of arranging and encouraging the "Accountability Groups" (see this board) and he helps members find partners and sponsors as well (see this page). He has also tried to get interviews and write ups about GYE in various popular religious news outlets, and although he is not always successful, he never gives up!
 +
 +
If we had another few guys like Kedusha on the forum, GYE would be well known in every Jewish community throughout the world!
 +
 +
THANK YOU, KEDUSHA!
 +
 +
May you continue to be a source of inspiration and strength to us all, and may you go ''Mechayil El Choyil!''
 +
 +
'''A Recent Testimonial by Kedusha for an ad in a Jewish Publication that he sponsored:'''
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 +
''When I discovered GuardYourEyes, my life changed immensely. With the help of the anonymous forum, daily Chizuk e-mails, handbooks and, of course, G-d, I'm no longer ridden with guilt and, therefore, am in a much better position to work on being a good husband and father. Tremendous thanks - from me and my family!''
 +
 +
'''Here are some inspiring posts from Kedusha from the past:'''
 +
 +
When "Kedusha" first joined he wrote:
 +
 +
I have faced Nisyonos in this area for years. Before Yom Kippur this year, I installed an Internet filter to which only my wife has the password (and if the password gets lost, only she can have it e-mailed to her account, to which I have no access).
 +
 +
I first got the Internet almost 12 years ago, and I stumbled the first day (I had my clean periods, but they never lasted. Instead, I kept doing Teshuva, sinning again, doing Teshuva, sinning again, etc.). I had serious issues before the Internet, as well.
 +
 +
I have been aware of this site for a number of weeks, but only now have I registered. I have read and benefited from a great deal of the wonderful materials that you have to offer, including the newly published.
 +
 +
How did I stay clean for the past 7 days? On the first few days, by counting the hours, then by counting the days. But always concentrating on being clean for one day at a time, and receiving Chizuk from this site. '''I've been feeling better about myself each day, and appreciating my wife, who I am noticing is far more beautiful than the forbidden images will ever be.'''
 +
----I find that being clean and sober makes it much easier for me to sleep peacefully and wake up rejuvenated. It's hard to put a price on a good night's sleep, which is very important for our physical and mental health. For that alone, it is well worth it for me to stay clean.
 +
 +
Falling in this area robs us of sleep in several ways. First we stay up half the night (or more) viewing pornography and otherwise giving into our y"h. Afterwards, we are feeling too stimulated and/or guilty to fall asleep.
 +
 +
A good night's sleep is just one of the many fringe benefits of sobriety.
 +
 +
Here's an idea: If confronted by the Y"H, politely explain that you don't have time at the moment, but that you would be willing to make an appointment. Take out your calendar and explain that you're all booked for today, but are available at, say 3:00 P.M. tomorrow (I say "tomorrow," because that's consistent with the concept of "one day at a time"). In the meantime, do what you can to strengthen yourself, including getting support from others on or off this forum. Make sure you are in a safe place at the designated time, and apologize profusely, but explain that you need to reschedule again... You get the picture!
 +
 +
I have my filter set to block Google Video and all such video search engines. Even though the filter limits all searches to "Safe-Search," there is no end to the ''Pritzus'' that would still be let through. On-line videos are just not for me at all, even for the kosher stuff. It's sort of like going to McDonald's to buy some kosher lettuce and tomatoes!
 +
 +
Yesterday I had to remove a dead bird from my basement. It was quite unpleasant and disgusting. But the feelings of unpleasantness and disgust were short-lived, and I "recovered" pretty quickly. Compare this to when we, chas veshalom, engage in disgusting behavior that affect our Neshama. In that case, the feelings of pain and disgust are much worse, and take much longer to go away. So next time anyone is tempted, just remember: you'd be far better off picking up a dead bird than giving into your temptation!
 +
 +
''Note: This reminds me of a story I heard with one of the previous Karliner Rebbe's. He was once served an expensive dish of cooked pigeon. When he felt pulled after the desire, he stopped himself and began to think about all the places the bird hung out, in garbage, in excrement. And he thought about the things the bird ate, worms, insects, until the Rebbe began to gag and pushed away the plate.''
 +
 +
I just wanted to share the news that I've decided to aim for a life of pleasure. The question is, how to achieve that? By giving into lust and inappropriate sexual desire? I know from experience that, after experiencing some brief pleasure, I am totally miserable when I do that, and it takes days just to BEGIN recovering.
 +
 +
So, whatever it means to live a life of pleasure, it will require me to stay clean and sober, one day at a time.
 +
 +
'''Two Sayings by Kedusha:'''
 +
 +
''"Fall today? NO WAY!"''
 +
 +
''"An alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip;''
 +
 +
''a sexaholic need to avoid that first slip!"''
 +
 +
* One hour, day at a time
 +
* Stimulus Control
 +
* Recalling Negative consequences
 +
* Thinking about vision for future
 +
 +
=== It took over 20 years to find you! ===
 +
by Avraham
 +
 +
There are no words to thank you, whoever you are. When I discovered your site (the details of how I discovered it are blurry, which is puzzling altogether) my life was changed. It was emotional at first when I realized that I was part of a group and not alone anymore. When that initial emotion wore off, I fell. I was not disappointed or depressed, rather I expected it to happen. But now, now I'm proud to say it's an emotional and intellectual realization of freedom from the yetzer horah. I know he'll be back doing an honest day's work trying to ambush me and make me fall. So when I feel like I'm slipping, I imagine that I'm literally standing in a circle holding hands with all the others here, and if I let go, everyone is pulling me back into the circle of closeness to Hashem where my neshama really wants to be.
 +
 +
One turning point was the 90 day chart which works tremendously for me. At the time of this writing I have accomplished two weeks which is a pretty good feeling, since even if I have a fall, at least I have a plan now. At least I have direction now.
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 +
Another turning point is that now that I have a realization that I'm not the only one looking at shmutz, I felt comfortable reaching out and picking up the phone and making myself an appointment (by a therapist).
 +
 +
It took over 20 years to find you. I tried every ''Tachbulah'' that came my way. but I'm glad you and you're community are part of my journey/life!
 +
 +
Avraham
 +
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Notes:
 +
 +
* Social support
 +
* Not feeling alone.
 +
* Therapy
 +
 +
=== What's Working So Far (at 14 days) ===
 +
by B'ahava (See all authors)
 +
 +
I got an anonymous e-mail about this site and I've been lurking around for about a month now (thank you anonymous yid for e-mailing me!). I figure it's finally time I post a bit about my experiences.
 +
 +
I just made it to level 3 in the 90 day journey. I'm 14 days clean! That's a record for the past 12 months, ''yishtabach shemo''.
 +
 +
My main problem seem to be the standard P and M issues, r"l. I'm in my lower 20s, single, and in college.
 +
 +
Here are some steps I've taken that are working great so far:
 +
 +
1. Working through the GYE handbook and the Attitude Handbook.
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 +
2. Stepping out of the room and praying for 10 seconds if inappropriate content appears on my screen, no matter how it got there.
 +
 +
3. Reading the daily Chizuk emails.
 +
 +
4. A daily five minute seder in ''Esah Einai'', a new sefer on ''shmiras enayim.''
 +
 +
5. Prozac, which I've been on for a year. ''(Helps with depression, anxiety and compulsive or obsessive behaviors)''
 +
 +
6. Weekly appointments with a therapist, where we discuss this among other issues.
 +
 +
7. Keeping the door open when web surfing in a room by myself.
 +
 +
8. Installing a good internet filter.
 +
 +
9. Praying for help with these issues, for myself and for ''klal yisroel.''
 +
 +
10. Helping a friend work out his issues in these areas.
 +
 +
11. Reading through the forum and seeing holy Jews in much worse situations break free! What a ''geshmak'' to see how much hope there is!
 +
 +
12. Keeping track on the 90 day program.
 +
 +
13. Trying to watch my eyes outside in general.
 +
 +
Breaking free of this is really my number one priority right now - and it's working!!! I've made it 2 weeks now pretty bump-free, ''yishtabach shemo,'' probably because of the constant ''chizuk'' I'm getting throughout the day (as-per the list above).
 +
 +
Thank you so much. I love all of you and I pray that you'll all break free.
 +
 +
* Daily Chizuk
 +
* Escape
 +
* Prozac
 +
* Thrapy
 +
* Stimulus Control
 +
* Helping others
 +
* Tracking
 +
* Shmiras Einayim
 +
 +
=== Mazal Tov to "Halevi" for reaching 90 days clean and joining the "Wall of Hashem's Honor"! ===
 +
by Haleivi76
 +
 +
Thank You GYE! Thank G-d, this past week I completed the GYE 90-day journey. It's been an interesting process and before I share some of what's worked for me I'd like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you. Whether you realize it or not, you've all played a part in my success. Just knowing that this place exists, that despite the fact that the prevailing world view is that this behavior is acceptable - 'normal' even - and that despite the addiction and all that it entails, there are people who out of their extreme devotion to Hashem are fighting tooth and nail to break free and overcome this crippling illness, provides me with huge chizuk. Before I visited this website, I had almost deluded myself into thinking that "it's not so bad... I'm single, how could G-d possibly expect me to NOT do this?". I had virtually given up or given in. GYE was the slap in the face I so badly needed. So thank you!
 +
 +
Along the way I've picked up a few things and I'd like to share some of them with you now:
 +
 +
1. You must, MUST install an internet filter. In my opinion, if you have an addiction you simply will not stay clean without one. For it to be effective, you must make sure that you won't remember the password. The [[Mailto:filter.gye@gmail.com|filter gabbai]] is one of the best services that this website provides, so if you can't entrust the password with a family member or close friend, pass the details on to the gabbai.
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2. The GYE emails and the forum are both great resources. Make use of them! As I said before, just being around the forum and other people who understand what you're going through is a huge source of inspiration and help. Sign up to an accountability group, post messages of support for other members, just get involved! We are not islands, we are members of a community.
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3. Even before a good filter, the eyes and mind are the two most important filters there are. Yes, you will see attractive women and some of the time they will be dressed immodestly, but it's how you react that will make all the difference. As addicts, we tend to fixate on things we shouldn't, we tend to think that if we look away we might be missing out on something... but the truth is there is no real enjoyment to be had from this filth! The sooner I realized that and the more clearer that has become, the better and longer I've remained sober.
 +
 +
4. 90 days is a lot shorter than it sounds. As Chazal say "all beginnings are difficult". Just take it slow at the start. If you can make it past day 30, you are well, well on your way.
 +
 +
I wish everyone the ultimate success in their recovery.
 +
 +
Notes:
 +
 +
* Self Efficacy
 +
* Stimulus Control
 +
* Social support
 +
* Shmiras Einayim
 +
 +
=== Living With This Avodah ===
 +
B"H, I have made strides toward changing my life for the better. I joined the 90-day chart, but I don't live for it, I live ''with'' it. I enjoy updating the chart but I don't think about what day it is every moment of the day.
 +
 +
I also had the password Gabai change the passwords to several email accounts that I was using to communicate with 'friends' whom I realized were actually just fueling my addiction. Great people, but not great for my life. I felt tremendously empowered when I tried to sign into those accounts the following day and I was locked out. I actually threw my hands up in triumph.
 +
 +
For me, it has been great to realize that this ordeal will help my entire relationship with Hashem. I am working on not hoping to be 'done' with this avodah, rather living with this avodah. After all, it is not an avodah of 'sur meirah' as I have looked at it until now, but it is primarily one of 'asei tov' - living more for others and for Hashem. And I have seen the past two weeks improve in several ways, as a result of my developing relationship with the Aibishter.
 +
 +
Notes:
 +
 +
* Stimulus Control
 +
* Lifestyle Balance
 +
 +
=== Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90th day clean! ===
 +
by Sci1977
 +
 +
Day 90 of being clean and sober. Thank you G-d, thank you G-d, thank you G-d.
 +
 +
'''How do you even come close to understanding this momentous - yet still so small of an accomplishment - at the same time? My gratitude is immense, and I will forever remember these 90 days probably more then any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I found "living". I feel like a four year old that just got to open up his biggest birthday present. The only difference is, that instead of getting a toy or a video game, I received something better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming with my deepest and most honest feelings.'''
 +
 +
A few things that I want to make sure I mention, because if I don't - as a human - I will kick myself: Be true to yourself and honest to yourself in your recovery process. Think of everyday as day 1. Yes, I have counted, but I feel like the count really doesn't matter. It's how you live that counts. Live the change you want to make.
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 +
Don't forget your past. Remembering who I was, is certainly a great reminder to continue on this journey. I was an angry little man (a small admission that really needs to be said on this day). I am still far from where I need to be, but I am not where I was. One day at a time, with courage and determination. On a long trip, you can find yourself.
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 +
I look at where I need to go, and I know I am so far away. G-d, give me the power to be "powerless" the rest of my life. This voyage is for the rest of my life. I will continue to lean on pillars of the strength of G-d and my wife. I look to them for guidance in good and bad. If you look at the addiction like an allergy, it helps.
 +
 +
The one word I would use to describe the last 90 days is, "work". You have to work on yourself to get somewhere. That's right, work on yourself. Introspection of oneself is the best and most positive thing you can do. You can find out what makes you 'tick' as a person. It's introspection that made me understand you can't get far internally without thinking with a calm, cool, and collected head.
 +
 +
A positive attitude is a must. Without it, I know I would not have made it this long. I have tried to figure out how to write an outline of what worked for me. But instead of formally writing it, I am going to make bullet points.
 +
 +
* Tell your story
 +
* Thank G-d for everything and understand that He is everything
 +
* Be positive about your life, but more importantly, about yourself.
 +
* Say goodbye to your past, but don't forget the past.
 +
* Say hello to living, and live the change you are trying to make
 +
* Love yourself
 +
* Love your family, especially your spouse.
 +
* Be honest and work on yourself.
 +
* Rely on friends or family when things get tough.
 +
* Find outlets of relaxation (for me its sports).
 +
 +
Lastly, I want to thank all those who have responded or wrote something to me on my threads on the forum. Thank you, for you have all given me something, both as individuals and as a team.
 +
 +
Oy vey, G-d get me through this without so many tears. My wonderful beautiful wife. You and you alone were the one to put me on this path. Words can do this no justice. I hope you feel I have worked hard and really understand that I am not here without you. This could have been our end, and instead we turned it into a positive. Honestly not easy, but we have. I know that our road is still bumpy. You are everything to me. With every ounce of my being, I thank you.
 +
 +
I am eternally grateful to be where I am, on a good and moral journey. Thank you G-d, thank you my excellent wife, and thank you GYE.
 +
 +
'''No slips or falls, non needed or wanted.'''
 +
 +
'''I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR- WITH G-D'S HELP!!'''
 +
 +
Notes:
 +
 +
* Positive attitude
 +
* Lifestyle Balance
 +
* 12 step ideas
 +
* One day at a time, think of each day like day 1.
 +
* Social Support
 +
* and more...
 +
 +
=== Coming Clean ===
 +
by Yuro Jew
 +
 +
I am very happily married with B"H a house full of children. I have been suffering from a lust addiction for decades, since I was a teenager. I have had my ups and downs. I even looked into joining a 12-Step SA group, but my Yetzer Hara got the better of me convincing myself with various arguments that it wasn't for someone in my life situation. About a year ago, I finally came clean to an old Rebbi of mine who I knew would understand what I was going through. Just coming out and speaking to someone who understood me was a tremendous relief. B"H as a result, I don't think that I have had a major fall since then. But then of course, you know what happens. I joined Facebook for some "work" related project, and lo and behold, who do you think all of my "friends" were? Still, I think that my earlier meeting or my more cognizant awareness that Hashem was watching kept me from the severe falls of the past. Then things weren't working out as planned and I felt the urge to fall overcome me again. I thought I should pick up the phone and speak with my Rebbe, but I was lazy. Then a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled across an outdated link to a post from what looks like the guardyoureyes forum with suggested online shuirim to help with the struggle. I listened to Rabbi Reisman's shuir from Yirmiyahu. It was very encouraging. I went back telling myself that whoever posted this was on to something. It was then that I came across the real guardyoureyes website, which for years is something that I have been searching for. It is truly a lifesaver. Words cannot describe my gratitude to Hashem and to all you guys for the work you are doing. Reading the handbook felt as if a ton of bricks was lifted from me. I felt like the handbook was written all for me. It's like someone was there in my brain and knew exactly what I was going through. I knew that B"H my life was in for a major change. I am almost done my first read through of the book. I joined all of the daily Chizuk emails. Reading them for a couple of days now, I know that this is the place for me. Today I joined the 90 days wall and the forum.
 +
 +
Notes (I'm not if he was clean for 90 days):
 +
 +
* GYE Handbook
 +
* More...
 +
 +
=== The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint ===
 +
''"SilentBattle" is one of the most active and inspiring members on our forum for the past half a year or so. In honor of his recent engagement, he sent us his inspiring story about his journey to recovery. Besides for being able to learn a lot from his story, we all need to learn from his selfless dedication to helping others. He literally spends hours posting chizuk to other struggling members almost every day!''
 +
 +
''Thank you SilentBattle, and a big MAZAL TOV! May you build a true Bayis Ne'eman bi'Yisrael.''
 +
 +
by Silent Battle
 +
 +
I grew up in a frum family, relatively Yeshivish, though I did watch movies occasionally. I went through standard adolescent turbulence but turned out OK, boruch Hashem. I learned in Yeshiva for a bunch of years, and enjoyed learning. However, from the time I was young, I had a major issue with being mz"l (masturbation). When I was younger, I would buy magazines, and more recently, I used online porn.
 +
 +
Then, a few years ago, things got worse. Much worse. With shidduchim not going well, and most of my friends married, I felt very alone, and I actually began meeting live women to satisfy my emotional and physical "needs." This went on for a while. I knew it was wrong, it went against everything I knew; everything I wanted to be. Occasionally I would stop. I'd delete my email account, erase all the numbers of the women I'd known... but it only lasted for a while. There was a part of me that wished I would get caught, because I knew that despite the suffering and embarrassment that it would cause, it would be worth it if it got me to stop this terrible behavior. However, I couldn't actually bring myself to say anything to my Rebbe. I couldn't even bring myself to daven for my Rebbe to find out.
 +
 +
But I guess Hashem heard my heart's prayers, even if I couldn't articulate them. My Rebbe did find out, and he confronted me. He recommended that I use GuardYourEyes, along with therapy.
 +
 +
My first goal was to put an end to my unhealthy relationships, which I did immediately. When my therapist recommended though, that I practice complete abstinence, including masturbation, I wasn't sure. After all, that wasn't the main problem, and I honestly didn't think I'd be able to handle it. For years, I'd never been able to stop my practice of being mz"l for any appreciable amount of time. But I figured I'd try it.
 +
 +
I signed up for the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started keeping a journal on the forum of my thoughts, my progress and the tests I was facing. I read about other people's tests on the website and forum, and I began learning different approaches to this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt part of something special. Here was a group of people, possibly the only one in the world, fighting against this. When I had a victory, there were people who rejoiced along with me. When I was having trouble seeing things clearly, there were people to help guide me. When I was feeling down, there were members of the forum that encouraged me, let me know that they cared, let me know they were there for me. And slowly, slowly... it worked. I showed up by my next therapy session and realized that I'd been clean for a week! The weeks passed, and I'd been clean for a month! I was shocked!
 +
 +
I'd learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it. And whenI shared this with everyone on the forum, they celebrated along with me in this too.
 +
 +
The months passed, and I learned more about myself. Looking back now after being clean for more than half a year, it's truly incredible. I've done things I never thought I'd be able to accomplish. I've completely stopped all my lust-motivated behaviors! And in retrospect, I feel that maybe Hashem put me into the situation I was in, so that now, I could end up even healthier than I was before; with the capacity to truly feel good about myself, without feeling any hypocrisy, and without having my own self-pleasuring and fantasies get in the way of real relationships in my life. And most of all, to finally be able to connect with Hashem in a true way. I don't think it's any accident that my learning has improved so dramatically since I got clean.
 +
 +
I put all dating on hold, while I worked on getting clean. After being clean for several months, I began dating again. B"H, the very first girl I dated, I became engaged to. This was partially due to my new, healthier outlook, both towards life in general and towards myself. But I am absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's immediate response to my Teshuva.
 +
 +
I ''also'' have no doubt that I would not be where I am today without the help of all the amazing people on GYE. I can never fully express my thanks.
 +
 +
Notes:
 +
 +
* Getting caught
 +
* Forum
 +
* Realizing z"l is not a need
 +
* Therapy
 +
 +
=== Mazal Tov To "Jew-In-Pain" for over 100 days clean! ===
 +
by Jew In Pain
 +
 +
"JIP", as he is known for short, has had a very painful life. It started when he was molested at the age of nine. See his painful story on this page. Here is what "JIP" wrote when he reached 90 days clean:
 +
 +
90 days! I owe a thank you to everyone for helping me get here, but the biggest thank you, of course, goes to Rabbi Guard. I don't know of anyone in our generation who has created anything as powerful as Guardyoureyes. I am totally indebted to you.
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 +
I wouldn't have managed without the help of my fellow members, who gave me constant chizuk & advice. A special thanks to those who shared their personal experiences & those who were in touch with me offline. They gave their time and concern for a fellow Jew whom they don't know & most likely never will. That's real chesed shel emes. You didn't let me down in my darkest days - and there were many, days when I wished I'd never been born and was contemplating suicide.
 +
 +
When I first joined this site, I felt like a young child. I was overwhelmed by what was going on here and what was going on in my own world. Everything seemed so far away and foreign. After a while I changed my mind-set and started moving; asking questions, getting answers, arguing about this addiction. At first, I rejected the "addiction" label. Eventually I decided, "who cares what it's called; sickness, struggle, addiction or any other sweet name? Either way, it's a blockage in a person's mind, holding him back from himself and from growing closer to Hashem".
 +
 +
I would like to share a few things I learned, which might help others:
 +
 +
1. A strong filter is imperative. There is no way to overcome this with open access to all the dirt on the web.
 +
 +
2. We need a safe group of friends such as on GYE, where one may discuss, vent, ask or share with others who really understand and care.
 +
 +
3. Understand that this addiction is VERY harmful. Get out as soon as possible!
 +
 +
4. Feel yourself at rock bottom, and understand that you can no longer afford to fail. Believe that you can do it!
 +
 +
5. Honestly analyze yourself and realize that this may require outside help such as a therapist, an understanding rabbi, an older friend, etc. In most cases, this behavior stems from some other problem within you that caused this addiction.
 +
 +
Guardyoureyes often mentions that it takes 90 days to break a habit. I am not sure how it works and I really ''don't care'' how it works; all I know is that it does. I now have only a very tiny urge to go back to the old bad stuff such as porn and masturbation. I no longer see it as "my problem solver" anymore, and I look back on all the years I was doing it with disgust.
 +
 +
Does it mean that I am never going to fall back? Not necessarily, but at least I now have the will to succeed. I know that in order not to fall, I need to keep my eyes and mind as clean as possible.
 +
 +
I have also learned over these three months that Hashem is in control. Turn to Him whenever you feel down. He doesn't charge, is within reach anytime and anywhere. All it takes are a few simple words from your heart. I cried to Him many times over this period and always felt much better afterward. Picture Hashem standing next to you, watching everything you do. And know that he is proud of you!
 +
 +
* Social Support
 +
* Stimulus Control
 +
* Surrender
 +
 +
=== I Have Come Home ===
 +
by Ovadia
 +
 +
Thank you HaShem for bringing me to GYE, and thank you Guard for being a true Shaliach.
 +
 +
Here are my thoughts at 90 days. As R' Twerski put it in his beautiful article on Pesach, when one is freed spiritually, he is thankful for every second of his freedom. GYE has made me realize that the concept of Kedusha and being part of a holy nation is not just an elusive idea for "holy" people. It is within our grasp. And for this I truly have to thank HaShem for having the Zechus of having my part in His Plan.
 +
 +
What does liberation mean to me?
 +
 +
* To go to work without constantly worrying (and knowing) am I going to act out today or will I be able to control myself?
 +
 +
* Leaving work without feeling relieved that I made it through the day without acting out or frustration/guilt because tit happened yet again.
 +
 +
* That I can go to sleep after my wife without diving for the ..... to act out.
 +
 +
* I have learned to focus and be happy with what I have, not with what I don't.
 +
 +
* That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.
 +
 +
Contrast: Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.
 +
 +
Appreciation: I cannot express my appreciation enough to everyone here at GYE for literally saving my soul. I have received so much from you; so much Insight and understanding. But most of all support and guidance, and the feeling that in the times of darkness there are some very dear people out there who care. Thank you all so much. And of course I look forward to the grand GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor and the Leviasan!
 +
 +
Privilege:It has been the most amazing experience to have contact with so many emotionally and spiritually deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to express my emotions and feelings without feeling inhibited or childish. And I also feel spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah different to learning and davening, but what gives more meaning and amplifies to all Ruchniyos.
 +
 +
Yet I feel some disappointment. Here at GYE we see that everyone has their own struggles. I might be wrong but it seems that there are different levels of addicts. I feel that my own addiction was just a bad habit I could not get out of and needed to be broken. What did it take? Openness and frank confrontation with my feelings and weaknesses; getting out of isolation and realizing that there is an effective way of breaking the habit. And more than anything, a framework within which to do this and the support which I received. And that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take so long to discover something so simple? I am sure that there are so many low level addicts out there like me, that don't need therapy or SA groups, '''just a healthy perspective and attitude, support and communication, realization that you are not alone or the only one, and to be given the opportunity to talk from their heart'''. Why is the frum community continuing to deny this to themselves?
 +
 +
The main lesson that I learned over the last few months has been to '''appreciate and be happy with what I have, and not be constantly looking at what I do not'''. All the lust and fantasizing comes from wanting just that little bit which is out of your grasp. I learnt to stop "looking" away from myself. Yes, guarding your eyes begins in the eye of your mind. If something does not interest you, then you do not lust for it.
 +
 +
About a month into the journey, I would come to Mincha Erev Shabbos, the end of a week of being at my office and not acting out, and my heart was bursting with joy. I remember saying Aleinu and feeling how privileged I am to be part of Klal Yisroel. Today I feel less of that original excitement, but my main feeling is that I have come home. I was in a sewer unable to pull myself out. Now I am back home after all the years. I feel - relief, and also a big feeling of responsibility - never again will I be able to feel and say that something is beyond my control!
 +
 +
Finally, no words will suffice to thank R' Guard enough for being HaShem's Shliach in saving my soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt that you will be in the front lines to greet Mashiach Tzidkainu!
 +
 +
* Attitude (read for details)
 +
* Social Support
 +
 +
=== Like Getting Married Once Again ===
 +
by Anonymous
 +
 +
Dear R' Guard,
 +
 +
We owe GYE a tremendous thank you. My wife and I feel like we've just been married again. Thanks to your website we've been able to tackle issues that have been haunting us ever since we were married and had effected all aspects of our marriage, and our lives.
 +
 +
Case in point: I had become involved in your site around Pesach last year, out of personal desperation. I signed up on the 90 day chart and B"H I reached 90 without much difficulty and it was the greatest feeling I could remember feeling in a long time. Unfortunately it didn't last - fear of failure brought me down. I then struggled to rebuild the 90 days, but I couldn't reach more than 40 days or so and I'd fail again and again. I then began the climb to 90 once again, but this time with more active involvement in the forum, followed by more active, involvement in the 12 step phone conference.
 +
 +
During this time I had an important talk with my wife about GYE, speaking about the importance of it, what a great resource it is, and how it helps me avoid the falls that can result from triggers. I did kind of play down my need for the site, out of understandable embarrassment and the pain it would cause my wife. The subject continued to come up and my wife was suggesting GYE to people that she knew who struggled with these issues or knew those who did.
 +
 +
Recently, for the first time, she started reading some things on GYE. She read [[Spouses|Yechida's letter to a GYE wife]] and cried the whole way through. She finally had some level of understanding of this struggle and we were able to talk about it more openly. The whole time she was wondering to herself how much I needed this site, to what extent I had become addicted, whether it was perhaps more than just triggers. Well - I bit the bullet and I decided to share something special with her. As Hashgacha would have it, that day was the exact day I reached 90. I clicked on the Wall of Honor link and said "that name is mine" and I showed her the WOH/90day Chart rules, and that's when we both had the feeling of being newly married once again.
 +
 +
A tremendous thank you to you, all the members of GYE and of the phone conferences, and thank you to HKB"H who I have B"H come to know in way I hadn't known in years.
 +
 +
All the Best,
 +
 +
Me and my wife
 +
 +
* Forum
 +
* 12 Step Phone Conference
 +
 +
=== Mordichai's First Post ===
 +
by Mordichai
 +
 +
I got addicted when I was very young by being exposed to p*rn in various friends' homes... Before I got married I confessed my struggle to my spouse to be, and fortunately she was very understanding in spite of my addiction. Unfortunately, I still kept falling back into my addiction and kept disappointing her.
 +
 +
I'm now 34 years old and as you can all see on the chart, I am now 72 days clean thanks to HaShem for leading me to this great website. B'ezras HaShem I will reach 90 days and beyond!!! I have good hopes that I will stop this addiction for Good but I know (as is stated in Pirke Avot) not to trust myself until the day of my death!
 +
 +
I find the 90 day chart a very helpful tool in my lifelong battle with lust. After seeing the days I've won so far, it keeps me strong and gives me enough determination to keep going. I don't want to throw away the days I've gained so far. This is what I tell myself when the yetzer hara knocks on my door. The daily chizuk emails also encourage me and keep me focused on HaShem and make me aware of the importance of the olam haba.
 +
 +
I want to encourage all of you who are in this struggle to keep up the fight!! And I want to close with a general call to Please, please keep the filth out of reach of children because otherwise this addiction will grab hold of them too. Prevention is the best cure!!!
 +
 +
Note:
 +
 +
* 90 day chart
 +
 +
=== 90 Days; One Hour at a Time ===
 +
by Loi Miyaeish
 +
 +
BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there again, without Hashem's help, it would not have been possible. For over a year, I've been working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart piece by piece, but I never made it yet to ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my life. More than one person has said to me recently, "you know, you just look so happy" without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a smile on my face, but they could feel the true joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet victories.
 +
 +
My story starts many years ago as a young kid, when lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery path that many others have taken; lust, porn, mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my web browser on my cell phone (that's where I had internet access from). At the beginning, I read a bit of the stuff there and decided that I just could not make it. But last summer vacation - in my desperation, I finally became a member of GYE. I used to read every chizuk email through and through. By Sukkos I had already reached almost sixty. But being back home brought back the old feelings and I really began to feel down. I fell worse than ever before, I began to mast. more often, etc.. When I returned to Israel, I tried again twice, but kept on falling. I eventually began to give up on the idea, and decided to just do 'one day at a time'. But with open internet on my phone, I was always very vulnerable to the Yetzer Hara. I tried going to therapy, but I didn't enjoy it too much (I hate psychology). It reached a point where I realized that I have to get rid of internet access, so I asked a friend to keep my phone for me. Letting go of my smart phone was not easy, it was terribly difficult, but in retrospect, it was the best move and the first stage of my recovery.
 +
 +
When I left GYE (for lack of internet access), a tzaddik from the GYE forum who calls himself "Silentbattle" kept in contact with me by phone. He was really wonderful and kept encouraging me. But I could just not part from my friend called 'lust'. I would listen to inappropriate phone chats and do everything besides for porn on the net. I was still badly addicted. For a period, I lost contact with Silentbattle. But in Iyar, I reconnected with him by phone. He convinced me to try and stop the other stuff I'd been doing, and I've been clean from that ever since. But from mast. I could just not stop. I fell again after fifteen days.
 +
 +
In Tammuz, I got a new push. I'd been in shidduchim for over half a year and nothing doing. Silentbattle told me that not long after completing ninety days he got engaged, so I decided that I'd give it a try too. Another important thing he told me was to fight off the Yetzer Hara - not one day at a time - but one ''hour'' at a time. Now the y"h didn't have very much to reply to that. One hour?, c'mon, ''that'' I could handle. Those 'one hours' turned into days and finally months. B"h, the second day of Rosh Hashana was day ninety. Isn't that amazing? And the same hour that I completed ninety days, I was celebrating another family simcha. The l'chaim was for a double simcha!
 +
 +
Yes, it took me over a year, but I think it was helpful for me to learn to stop things gradually and not in one fell swoop; it became a 'kinyan' and B"H my days today are almost entirely lust-free. B"H I've really been feeling happier.
 +
 +
So chevra, I am known on the forum as "loi-miyaeish" (never despair) and B"H I got to ninety. The lesson is: "Al tisyaeish" (never despair) guys!
 +
 +
I'm grateful to GYE forever for being there from the start of my journey. Good luck holy Jews, and may you all have a G'mar chasimah tovah for a year of only goodness and happiness in life.
 +
 +
Notes
 +
 +
* One day / hour at a time
 +
* Social support
 +
 +
=== It's Not All or Nothing ===
 +
by Clean Israel
 +
 +
Getting to 90 days clean is a great feeling, and I want to share what helped me.
 +
 +
I had started the 90 day chart in November 2009, but I kept falling. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I would go for a few weeks - and then fall, a few weeks - then a fall.
 +
 +
Then I realized what I had to do, I had to not make it an "all or nothing". I told myself, "you can fall 3 times over the next 3 months. You can do them whenever you want, but only three times."
 +
 +
Needless to say, that's really what did it for me - giving me that little bit of breathing space created a world of difference for me. I fell once in the first month, but because I didn't have to go back to day one, that gave me the boost to keep on going.
 +
 +
Before I started this, I would fall once and I would think, "what the heck, I fell today, I might as well do it a few more times before I have to start over again tomorrow." Then I'd do it 3-4 more times THAT DAY!
 +
 +
This way, I had an incentive to stop myself after that first time, and that gave me the strength to complete a full 90 days clean. Whenever I had a pull, I'd say to myself "you only have 2 more times to fall, why not save it for some other time." And that was enough.
 +
 +
The one thing I can say to all those people still struggling, is that it gets so much easier after you hit day 30. I guess your brain's been wired enough that you've built up enough willpower to stop yourself.
 +
 +
The other thing I can say is that it is absolutely essential to have a strong learning seder - particularly of things you enjoy learning. I learn Daf Yomi, and that gives me an extra boost to just keep it all out of my mind and make me stronger.
 +
 +
I also can't stress how much better my relationship with my wife has become, now that I see her as the only woman in the world ''really''.
 +
 +
May we all have the strength to keep our desires where they belong; channeled towards our Avodas Hashem!!
 +
 +
Notes:
 +
 +
* Phased reduction
 +
* Delay
 +
* Yiddishkeit (Learning)
 +
 +
=== Cordnoy's 10,000th Post on his 700th Day Clean ===
 +
[https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/testimonials/item/cordnoy-s-10000th-post-on-his-700th-day-clean?category_id=300 #Cordnoy]
 +
 +
I came to this site by accident, of sorts. Yes, there were several decades of filth and smut in my days, but I always stopped, at least for a week or two, or more. Recovery and lack thereof did not consume my life. I was fine with the pattern. Of course, yamim noraim (mostly), I'd cry and beg and resolve to sin no longer. Some years I even threw in the towel and made a deal with God that I'll do lots of good in other areas and let's just hide this issue in the closet.
 +
 +
But eventually, there was a rock bottom of sorts. That, together with a push, encouragement, threat of exposure from a woman friend of the family (whom I must have been tryin' to flirt with) put me on a course of action. And that action wasn't a snap of the fingers. And it wasn't without heartache and pain. I went 90 days sober (so to speak). I engaged a long distance therapist, a professional who is recommended by GYE. I joined SA in a city an hour away from me. I was there for about eight months. I went to a local therapist/specialist on and off for about two years. I got two sponsors, one Jewish, one not. I joined calls and eventually led calls. I have been workin' the steps in some way or another for several years. I read the big book, white book, action book and 12&12. I am on my sixth cycle. And I post as well, every once in awhile.
 +
 +
Talkin' to live people really does wonders. Posts are different when I know the poster and they know me. It makes it more real. (This is an important point to know for anyone who spends time on the forum.) GYE gave me the opportunity to personally meet about 20 fine fellows in real life. I thank each and every one of them for their friendship, advice, suggestions, criticisms, etc. And I have had private and personal conversations with another 30 more or so... And been in touch with many tens of others...
 +
 +
And this, my friends, demonstrates the power of GYE; it creates lastin' friendships, friends who deeply care about one another. Four years ago, I knew none of these fellows and now we are best of friends. And perhaps a couple of them I have helped on their journey, but one thing is certain - each and every one of them helped me on mine. I learned humility from one, commitment from another. Mussar, calmness, faith, prayer, carin', devotion, thoughtfulness, diligence, humor, assertiveness, resolve, confidence and more - are just some of the things that I try to apply in my daily life, and for that, I thank them all.
 +
 +
And I must confess that when a fellow emails, calls, texts, WhatsApps, skypes, bumps into me and says, "Cords, you really saved my life, you truly helped me today, this past year would have been impossible without you, I didn't get that massage because of your text"... yes, it feels good, and my ego makes it feel even better, but it's you guys who deserve the credit. You, who set me straight to begin with, you, who showed me my flaws, you, who convinced me of my egotistical, self-centeredness, you, who paved the way for me, and you as well who gave me the opportunity to give back, to keep me honest, to constantly share life's struggles and mine in particular, so thank you.
 +
 +
* 12 Steps
 +
* Therapy
 +
* Social Support (live!)
 +
 +
== New entries ==
 +
 +
=== How @Ftndrug reached 90 days ===
 +
I want to recount for a minute here my way to 100 and something days. Hope you'll excuse the length of it.
 +
 +
How did i get to where i am now?
 +
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I was desperate. I was watching porn and\or masturbating sometimes 5 times a day. I was losing my life and myself. I felt it hindering me in everything i tried to do. Friends, family, work, learning. I dont think i have to describe to you all the bad effects it had on my life, if you're here you probably know it all.
 +
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So, it all started when I prayed as never before (i was truly desperate) for enlightment, wisdom and help from the Almighty.
 +
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I dont think it was a miracle, but surely it was the hand of G-d that gave it to me. Enlightment, some wisdom, and a few weapons in the form of GYE.
 +
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The weapons i got were:
 +
 +
1. understanding. I understood the nature of my problem. Its an illness, an addiction, and as such cannot be treated by myself alone.
 +
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2. hope and encouragement. I found out that its not just me, and that people with far worse conditions could be and were healed, and that after 90 days clean the challenge should become a lot easier.
 +
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3. Occupational therapy. I started filling my day with activity that kept me occupied and satisfied without my drug of choice.
 +
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4. Substituting drug. The way porn addicts a person is by releasing tremendous amount of endorphines and so keeps him coming for more, just the way some heavy drugs do. So i started lifting weights to get the endorphines my body wanted badly. Sometimes 2 times a day. Generally, whenever i feel a strong urge, thats where i go.
 +
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5. Social support. The forum and the chat was a great tool to interact with people that have the same condition and can have the understanding and give support in times of need. Also it was a good way to get off my chest the struggles i was going through.
 +
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6. Mind based defense tool. The taphsic method was super effective. When you know you will have to pay 500 bucks if you'll have this tiny pick at bad stuff, it balances the scales.
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7. Physical defense tool. I asked my internet provider to activate the free of charge web filter service they give. Even though its easy to override, it still gives me some time to rethink my decision, and blocks annoying random inappropriate material. Only bad thing about it was that i tried sometimes "just out of curiosity" to outsmart it. BH i caught myself on time and thats in the past now.
 +
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8. Learning from other's experience. Reading through the threads of success and failure helped me to figure out the best path for myself. instead of tripping and groping in the dark alone i am just using the road marks left by others. Its much easier (APB and special thanks for CORDNOY here, his thread is awsome. though i couldn't finish it).
 +
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9. Talking to the experienced. I reached out, or more accurately, he reached out to me and clarified for me a few things. (Since i know he doesnt mind posting his name, all hail Hashem Help Me.)
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10. Checking myself for flaws. Every few weeks im checking on my state of mind and general progress, for possible improvements and work needed be done.
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11. asking help from the Almighty. Im adding almost every day a personal prayer at the end of 'shmone esre', asking strength and courage to pass the day clean.
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The benefits i got because of my work are huge.
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1. Time. I have time!!! I did so many things in that time!
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2. Friends. I almost abandoned my friends because of my addiction. Now i got them back again.
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3. Physical strength. Working out built my body to the level i was a few years ago and more in some areas.
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4. Clarity. I am a much better learner those days. I can almost speak one more language.
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5. Life. I have my life again. Everything i denied myself from is now coming back.
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Now will i be able to continue forever? I pray with all my heart. Is it possible for me to fall? Of course. Do i want that to happen? No. I slip sometimes. Happens. I regret it badly. But i never let myself dwell on it. I just move forward, for if i will dwell on it it will be as foolish as just giving up the struggle and crying which inevitably will lead to more falling and crying. Instead i should analyze what went wrong and plan how to continue.
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Am i free from lust? No. I am still tied to it. But with help from above the rope is getting thiner with every fiber getting cut from it. It might never completely disappear, but well, im here to work, aint i?
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Huge credit to HHM for reviewing and spell-checking the post :]
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=== How Inastruggle reached 90 days ===
 +
See [[Inastruggle]]
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=== How Gibbor reached 3 years ===
 +
B"H I have been sober for over 3 years now (1235 days).
 +
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I do feel some achrayus to share what I have done. I have gained a great deal from being here and perhaps someone else can gain from my experiences.
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I was actually sober for about 2 years before finding GYE, but I would characterize those years as "the dry drunk years". Yes, I was sober, but that was mainly due to my wife finding out about my addiction (sobriety through fear). It was only after coming to GYE and learning a few things, and meeting a few people that my attitude changed my sobriety came much more easily to me. That is not to say that I don't have difficult times any more, just that they are fewer and further between, and generally less intense.
 +
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I should mention that once my wife found out, we spoke with our rav, both individually and together. It was a big help to both me and my wife. She had no understanding whatsoever how a frum person could do what I was doing. My rav helped a great deal to restore shalom.
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Reading the handbook, and sharing it with my wife finally enabled us to talk more openly and honestly. My wife began to understand me (although I'm pretty sure she can never fully understand me). I began to open up to her more than ever before. (this part is tricky, and I still struggle with when and how much to share).
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The first BIG thing that I learned from GYE is that I have an allergy to lust. The word lust is very important. I had always viewed my problem in frum terms. I was doing aveiros chamuros. My entire focus was to stop doing aveiros. Now, my wife for example is mutar to me, so I figured fantasizing about her was mutar. My entire avodah was in the realm of issur v'heter. Once I realized that I had an allergy to lust, I knew that lusting over my wife was the same drug as lusting over anyone else. I had to let go of lust in all it's forms mutar or assur is totally irrelevat - both forms are toxic for me.
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I learned that my real problem was not an over-active yetzer hora. I have quite a bit of self-control, but in this area, I couldn't control myself no matter how hard I tried. My results varied, but they never lasted, and my struggle only intensified. I realized that acting out was not the problem, but rather the solution (a very bad one indeed) to my other problems. My real problem was dealing with life. Acting out was just a symptom of that problem. It was my escape route.
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I learned [http://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-Wall-of-Honor/124072-Dov-Quotes from dov] that struggling with the problem was just a way of holding on to it. I needed to "let go" of the problem.
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I can't remember who pointed me to [http://drsorotzkin.com/ Dr. Sorotzkin's website], but that made a big impact on me as well. His articles and audio about perfectionism and sexually acting out in particular, were a big help to me. They are all on his website at drsorotzkin.com/ . His descriptions of perfectionism and acting out fit me "perfectly" (pardon the pun).
 +
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Sharing my problems with other addicts that I met on this forum helped as well. For the first time in my life, I could share my deepest secrets, which I found to be very therapudic. I was not alone in this struggle.
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I met dov and I joined his phone call. Sharing my feelings, was new to me. I had always kept things bottled up, trying to portray an image of perfection. Letting go and admitting my shameful deeds, paridoxically, helped me to let go of the shame and come to acceptance. That is not to say that what I did was ok, but that I could live with myself and move on. I could accept that Hashem loves me unconditionally, and that he is here for me. I don't have to "pretend" to be perfect. Hashem loves me with all my imperfections, many of them were given to me and were not a result of my bechira at all. I am not saying that I don't have an achrayus to fix them. Only that I don't have to feel ashamed that I have them. I only have to feel ashamed if I don't care enough to do something about them. (incidentally, this is one of the messages that my rav conveyed to me and my wife.)
 +
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I'm sure there is more for me to share, but this is what comes to mind at the moment.
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I just want to make a final point about this forum. I was a great outlet for me, but it seems to me that most of the people who are in real recovery "graduate" from this forum at some point. It is a springboard to learning new ideas, and new attitudes. It is a way to meet people who we can share our struggles with, but ultimately, it is the real relationships that make a difference. Posting here can be (and is in many cases) an escape from real life as well.
 +
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I do beleive in levels of addiction (although I know dov does not - you are either pregnant or you are not). Different people need different things, but if you are constantly struggling despite posting on this forum often, perhaps you need something more, something real. I don't believe people recover from being on this forum. I do beleive it can be a springboard to recovery.
 +
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I wish us all hatzlacha each and every day one day at a time.
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Love,
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Gibbor
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=== 1000 Days - My Journey From Absolute Misery To True Happiness ===
 +
by Grateful4Life
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Read the story [https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/stories/item/my-journey-from-absolute-misery-to-true-happiness?category_id=10 here].
 +
 +
=== From @ICandothis18 ===
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I think the main thing was coming to a commitment that no matter what I will stay in the fight and that I'm in this for the long run thru this I started seeing myself differently and was actually able to implement some of the things we discussed.
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Notes:
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* Commitment

Latest revision as of 14:45, 30 November 2020

Note: This is small fraction of stories from GYE members.

From the Front Lines (#2)

"NachalNovea" writes on the forum:

Hi everyone, I’m not the usual type of guy to be writing on these things but I am clean for over 3 weeks!

This includes weekends at home, Coronavirus & being alone with technology for a long time, and many battles. Battles that without reading the experiences and simple victories of the holy chevra here, I would not be anywhere where I am today. Simply reading what we are all trying to attain + realizing that we are all in this together is tremendous.

My story really starts in high school, and has never been fully under control since. Went to yeshiva and had some good streaks but never really fought a battle. When I came back from Yeshiva, I fell hard and fast. To a point where I just tried to make it from Shabbos to Shabbos. The pre-Shabbos mikva became 1 big tefillah, begging hashem to give me the internal strength to be strong again just one more time. Like Shimshon.

Then I found GYE and I feel like a new person! This has been an amazing journey so far and I really owe you guys a yasher koach & huge thank you.

P.S. The levels on the 90-Day-Chart give me so much chizuk. (I am at the level of “Eved Hashem” now), it’s a phenomenal feature!

Earning the "Tzadik" crown

I joined 90 days ago and BH i made it to 90 days! I cannot thank you enough for the push. I have been wanting to reach this accomplishment for a while now and this site finally helped me succeed!

I just wanted to share with you and all members the following experiences I had on this journey.

It started off pretty easy. Then feelings started coming back. At that point I read the SMART recovery pamphlet which I found to be super helpful in getting me over the initial hump. Over the weeks I was able to keep focused with the help of my wife and this website.

Last night- right when I was about to be crowned with the "Tzaddik" award on the 90-day chart, I was hit hard. My wife encouraged me to celebrate, so I cracked open a few beers. It was great but I felt the urge coming. Right before I went to sleep I made sure my devices were protected. That was a huge step. But it was still not over. My one year old woke up and would not go back to sleep. In the room with her was an iPod that belonged to a sibling of mine. I knew I had it all right there if I wanted. The battle was HUGE. I picked up the iPod and I was about to start flirting with danger. It was such a struggle, but with Hashems help I was able to not give in for almost two hours. I was so upset that it was happening and I was hoping to not fall. Finally my daughter went to sleep. I went to sleep with major urges, but with Hashems help, I fell asleep and woke up clean!!

When I woke up this morning I realized what happened. Hashem wanted me to earn that "Tzaddik" crown. He put me in a position that I was in previously, and where I had failed. It felt like it was the tenth nisayon given to Avraham Avinu. Hashem wanted me to earn it.

This morning I have felt the most amazing feelings I have felt in my life. I felt like a new person and I felt the crown of Tzaddik personally placed by Hashem on my head. I have no other way to explain it. My wife noticed a difference instantly and she exclaimed that I look like a completely new person. A whole new part of me was in the room.

I felt it so important to share with everyone. You have to realize that it won't be a breeze but that is what makes you an Olympian. This experience was so amazing for me, and I hope everyone can experience it soon.

Stay with it. It's wild on the other side.

Thank you again.

How I made it to 140 days clean

#Dave M

Before I share what works for me, I want to thank this wonderful organization from the bottom of my heart for the amazing things it has accomplished. Without the GYE community, I would be lost as I try to navigate this increasingly insane world.

A little background on my struggle. Since I was a teenager, I always struggled with M"ZL. B'H, since I was away in yeshiva during my high school and bais medrash years, my access to the internet was always limited. As such, viewing inappropriate websites was not something I really struggled with. After I got married, I spent a few years in Kollel. During this time, we did not have internet in our home. However, I always struggle with M"ZL. I realized, that getting married, sadly does not cure us from these nisyonos. When I left Kollel to go to work, that's when things started to get very challenging. As my job necessitate the use of a computer, I now had to fight the urge to refrain from viewing inappropriate materials. It's amazing how very few websites are completely clean. Many "innocent" websites have advertisement or links to other sites that can lead to a dangerous path.

At first, the spiral started by viewing images that were not clean, although technically not porn. Not surprisingly, eventually this led to viewing more explicit materials. The feeling of hopelessness and despair that I felt was horrible. I was losing control. How can I look at my wonderful wife and kids after the things I've seen?

Around two years ago, by some miracle I discovered GYE. The feeling of relief was palpable. I finally discovered a whole community of people with the same struggle. GYE provided a map, guidelines, and perspectives on how to approach this nisayon. The GYE handbook is a remarkable compilation of advice and how to have the proper attitude when approaching these nisyonos. Joining the 90-days challenge helped too. I was successful in making great progress in shmiras einayim and cutting down on the amount of times I was M"ZL. I would have nice stretches of 30-40 clean days. However, I would eventually fall. Then comes the feeling of guilt and nothingness. But I kept on trying and davening to Hashem to pull me out of this black hole.

B"H, I'm now holding at 140 days clean. I recognize that there are different levels of addictions and lust related behavior. Everyone has their challenge. No 2 challenges are alike. But I wanted to share with the rest of the GYE community what has worked for me to help me reach this milestone. Some may seem obvious, but it took me a long time to internalize them.

  1. For me, the key to this battle is avoiding triggering situations and putting up the necessary fences to help protect me from falling. Below are some examples that are applicable to myself:
    • I do not own a smartphone. Yes, this has caused some inconvenience and believe me, I do get asked some uncomfortable questions on why I'm "not with the times". But I don't care what people think. For me, having a smartphone will just be too dangerous. I cannot risk it. Perhaps down the road, it will be unavoidable, and I will need it for work, etc. But for now, no thank you.
    • I stay off social media.
    • At work, there are multiple ways to get to my desk. Some routes have women who don't always dress appropriately. I try to avoid those routes.
    • Up until last year, I used an older free filter on my personal computer. Besides it having an adverse effect on the functionalities of my computer, It was not a very strong filter and had many loopholes. After one of my bad falls, I finally upgraded to a much stronger filter. It is one of the best $140 I've ever spent.
  2. Do not even start "acting out", thinking that I'll be able to stop before I fall. It's a ploy by the yezter hara. Even if I resist now, it will fester and grow stronger, until eventually I cannot hold back anymore.
  3. Besides working on not giving in and being careful what I look at, I realized that it is just as important to work on my "kedusha" and growing as a yid. One small area where I made changes was listening to shiurim during my commute, instead of the radio. One series of shiurim that were a lifesaver is "The Fight" by Rabbi Shafier. These shiurim discusses how to overcome the nisyonos we are faced with. It can be downloaded for free at the following link https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
  4. Utilizing the resources on GYE:
    • Reading the daily chizuk emails
    • Posting on the forum and reading/responding to other people's post
    • Reading and Reviewing the GYE handbook. This is an incredible handbook!
  5. Of course to always and keep davening to Hashem to help us overcome this nisayon.

As an aside, one of the great chiddushim GYE came up with was the concept of "hitting rock bottom while on top". The earlier one hears the "wake up call" the easier it will be to climb out of this dark hole. I find that after having a bad fall, there will be a short period of guilt, shame, and humiliation. This feeling can go two ways. Either it can be used to beat us up and give up hope or it can used as a burst of inspiration to change. It is important to not let this moment slip by without making real changes to one's behavior.

One more point/suggestion I want to make. Chazal tells us that when one davens for his friend, he will be answered first. There have sprung up organizations that were created around this concept. Such as matching up older singles to daven that each one should find his/her zivug or childless couples davening for one other to have children. Many times, when reading a first timer's post that describe their pain that this addiction had caused, I cry. I may not know that person, but I feel his pain. I recently started davening to Hashem to help all the members of the GYE community to overcome their challenge. Perhaps this is something we as a whole can adopt.

I know that I still have a long road ahead of me and can never let my guard down. The yetzer hara is constantly working and coming up with new methods to get me to fall. I still have moments when I feel my resolve weakening and have come close to falling. But with Hashem help, I, along with the rest of the GYE community, will persevere and win this battle.

90 Days Clean

Dear GYE!

First of all, thank you so much for your site, it really does give strength!

I tried it once before but without success. This time, however, when I was fighting my yetzer, I decided to look at your site. As soon as I came on to the site, a few people popped up starting a dialog. The truth is, I was not in the mood to talk and even though I was anonymous, I was embarrassed to be there at all. But something magical happened when I started speaking (writing) with this person who seemed like he needed help: on the one hand, I felt totally unable to help him at that moment and was myself in need of help; on the other hand, just giving him a few words of encouragement did something to me that I can't explain. Suddenly, my yetzer (for that moment) was neutralized! I was able to walk away from the computer without sinning and have maintained the momentum since then by watching your videos and reading some of the material I found on your site to download.

I know where I was holding 90 days ago and I know where I am holding now and there is an amazing difference.

Just a personal note, I am in my mid 50's and also married and so it could be that my battle at this point in my life is easier than for someone who is young and single. But if there is one message I would share based on my experience over the past 90 days, it is this: "Don't give up and don't despair!"

May HaShem bless you with all your efforts to continue to help people and give them spiritual strength!

Motivation+Battle Plan=90 days

I am finally at 90 days for the first time!

What was different about this time vs. all my previous attempts? My motivation, strategy, and mindset were the game changer. I changed my mindset to viewing this as an actual battle. No general goes to war without a plan. For this reason, I began with writing real battle plans on paper for those times I would be in the bathroom for a longer period of time. The plans mostly involved keeping my mind occupied while in the bathroom (for example, mental math), and making checkpoint voice recordings (like checkpoint #1 "on the way to victory" to inspire myself). The basic idea is seeing where I may fall and doing something about it. After a while, I B"H got stronger, not necessarily having to go to the same extent of fighting. I soon learned how to distract myself on-the-go, and moved on from there.

For strategy, I needed to stay involved every day. Not just involved, but active. For this reason, I wrote a blog of every day of this journey, made 2 WhatsApp groups, tried helping other people along the way, and opened up more.

For motivation, I just really wanted to win. I was sick of losing. I was shocked that I had fallen the last time, and told myself and G-d that I was done. This has been a goal for way too long, and I don't care if the battle gets hard, I will win! I'll plan ahead, write battle plans, and will win this once and for all!

Thank G-d, that came out to be true so far! Motivation can actually take you really far! I really hope to continue this amazing progress, going from milestone to milestone, and have an opportunity to successfully help other people in this area.

100 Days and staying on focus

I am 27, married with 2 kids, learn in Lakewood. I have struggled with porn, masturbation, phonesex, google images, going through underwear drawers, and much much much more. In other words, I was a big-time luster. I was lusting everywhere: from the phones in Walmart to my friend's wife's phone that I was given for an hour to fill up with music to my other laptop. I would sometimes go to Internet cafe in a private room and just watch for an hour or two. Any filter I had I got by. My wife shut off the internet on her phone - I still found ways to search and find porn - and usually found something. I am not proud of all these things but just in case there is someone out there who finds this and thinks that he's alone - you should know, I was as perverted as they come. I used to "fill my lust deprivation" with anything - even a semi-romance book I found in a nursing home while going to be mashlim a minyan.

I thought it would never stop, everywhere I would go I would find ways and I would lose all shame. Even once after a stretch of being clean, I was in a hotel with the wife on vacation and I used the hotel computer to watch porn.

Well now, I am something like 100 days clean - I made a kabbala/deal with a friend of mine that if I fall within 90 days I will give him 1000 dollars. So it worked. I can't say I had no slips but my quality of life jumped - not right away - but after like 60 days, my mind got this setting that was like 'okay, we're not struggling anymore - it's over baby!'

Since I hit 90 days I be cruzin'! I hope it lasts. I still get hit with lust and tests and try not to look a second time or a third or a fourth or minimize - but I have already been in places with an open internet and the thought didn't enter my mind.

What helped me most of all: Hashem and a couple of friends on this great site; a lot of keeping busy; and music. But the main thing is that I used to think I have to constantly be in attack mode but now I realize once lust attacks, I am way too weak to conquer alone - so I worked on constantly being on focus - calling people, emailing people, and got close to some amazing people.

Then 2 weeks ago, I had my hardest test ever: I am clean for like 80 days or so and ..... Youtube was open on my laptop for a few minutes and I started watching some 1970's movie with nudity and in the middle I found the strength to call a friend because my focus was so strong! I just started dialing and he saved me so here I am today.

Notes: Reinforcement/Accountability. Social support. Stimulus Control. Distraction. And more Social Support.

90 Days!!!

#Yiddishe Midel

Wow, wow, what a journey it has been!

Before I found GYE, I was stuck in a horrible rut; falling and acting out, then feeling disgusting about it, doing teshuva, and saying never again. But before I knew it, lust took a hold of me and I was at it again! It was a vicious cycle, which I had no idea how I would get out of.

GYE showed me that I wasn't alone in the struggle, that I'm not a faker - just a 'struggler,' and, most importantly, that there IS a way out! Now I had someone I was answerable to, someone cheering me on and checking up on me and I had a goal to reach!

I reached 90 days on the first day of Sukkos, which I feel is significant: to be able to celebrate my 90 days clean with Hashem mamesh!

Although it's still a struggle, it's now an uphill climb, reaching new peaks every day.

I have endless hakoras hatov to GYE for enabling me to actually do it!

Forever grateful,

Notes: Self-Efficacy, Social Support.

By His Help Alone

90 days free of porn watching has arrived. No sense of pride at all, just a deep sense of thanks to GYE for not rejecting me and an infinitely deeper sense of thanks to Ribono shel Olom that there is a way out. HaBo LeTaher Mesayin Lo - since joining GYE, I have often thought that HaBo is the important word - it doesn't say HoRotzeh LeTaher - it is not enough just to want to be clean, we have to do something, show we want to be better. In our case we have all joined GYE, we have made the move, and in return, Ribono shel Olom has given and is giving us the help that only He can. It is the first time in 5 years I have stayed off porn for 90 days. It hurts to write this sentence, to recall the constant sense of shame and self-revulsion at davening the next morning, the fear that my wife or kids would find out - you know it all.

But here we are, all helping to bear each others load, all suffering and rejoicing with each other through the bad times and the good, and that is why GYE is such a wonderful organization with such wonderful people who write such wonderful comforting things which help to drag us up from the rubbish heap. We are all in this together. I feel now that till I joined GYE, I was walking along the edge of a cliff - and constantly falling over the edge. Now there is somebody on my other side, who is stopping me from falling and who I know will catch me if I do. The struggle has not abated, but it has become more manageable. Till now, once the lust had me in its grip, there was nothing I could do - totally helpless to keep away from the screen. I sickened myself - and yet I went ahead watching, powerless to stop. All the while outwardly keeping up appearances...

Now, I think of you guys struggling like me, I think of my GYE homepage and clicking the number of days 'still clean' - and I think I can't just give in and go back to where I was - in the gutter - and somehow I have the strength for that minute not to click the mouse!

May HaShem help ALL OF US in our daily struggle!

Notes: Social Support.

90 Days - Finally!

Wow! Finally at 90 days. It has taken me about 7 years to get here. And the truth is that I am only partially at 90 days. It is a full 90 days for MZL, but I slipped and looked at inappropriate websites about 2 weeks ago. I didn't count it as a fall, because I really need the chizuk of hitting 90. This was the furthest I have ever gotten and I thank you so much for the guidance forum and help!

What made me able to get this far was primarily TAPHSIC. Without it, I used to fall regularly after one or two weeks or a month at most. But now, I went 90 days!!! And my slip from last week was because I let my taphsic expire and it hadn't included looking at things in it. I have since renewed it and included it in.

I am going to start again and now try to get 90 without looking at anything bad.

Thank you!!

(Still) Hopeful

Notes: Taphsic.

Reaching 90 Days

#Heemircho

B”H, yesterday I reached the 90-day mark. There is no question that the competitive nature of the 90-day chart and award system with different levels helped me jumpstart the process. Part of my issue was that I was seemingly the only one who cared about my success in Kedusha-related matters. As soon as I got to GYE and joined the chats, probably the third question everyone asks is “how many days sober are you?” This is powerful motivation even if you are not sure what you are able to do. People care and it makes a difference. Everyone has one goal, which is to stay sober.

Another tremendous thing is the breadth of knowledge available on GYE. Personally, I like to research fully everything I do and I always enjoy seeing various approaches. GYE is a virtual Beis Medrash. Not only can you find chavrusas to learn all the Sugyas related to Kedusha, but you can get advice from the greatest Roshei Yeshivos in these fields. I am not going to go into specifics, but suffice it to say there is sage advice on any question imaginable on the forums.

The tools I use on a day to day basis can be broken down into three categories.

One: avoiding triggering situations. The daily chizuk emails are a great reminder in general of Shemiras Einayim.

Two: mitigating triggers so as not to compromise my control in the face of a triggering situation. For example, if I am feeling stressed, I have learned to relieve that stress as soon as possible before my body decides to try to relieve it with a lust attack.

Three: reaching out to friends I made when I am going through a tough phase.

I am greatly indebted to GYE, the directors, administrators, donors, members, and all those affiliated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Notes: The 90 Day Chart, Social Support, Advice on Forums, Avoiding Triggers & Shmiras Einayim. Coping with Stress.

90-Day Testament

Wow! I really thought I might never get out of my bad habits. For the first time in at least 11 years, I feel like with Hashem's continued help I can really be in control of what I do, look at, and think about. The feeling of freedom is intoxicating.

The Mishnah says 'Ain Lecho Ben Chorin Elo Mi Sheosek Batorah.' Many people struggle to understand this statement. The Torah is full of laws and instructions; what we can and cannot do, what we should and should not do. Freedom is often assumed to be the ability to do whatever one wishes.

We must first have a reality check. Who are we? We are a Chelek Elokai Mima'al. Our Neshama has been put in our guf for a very specific task. We must remember that we, our neshamos are transcendent. We have the ability to grow beyond ourselves.

When a polar bear is hungry, he eats. He will destroy anything that gets in his way. He cannot say no. He has no control. Control is determined by the ability to say "no." When a person is in this world and does not connect himself to Torah (our strongest link to Hashem) he does what he wants. That might seem enjoyable on the surface, however, he has no control of himself. He gets what he wants, and all he wants is enjoyment. To eat, drink, and be merry. To live "life." But what kind of life is that. We were created to become so much more, so much greater than a polar bear. We have a Neshama, a sechel. Learning Torah gives a person a chance to decide what he really wants to become. It gives the tools to be free to do what you really want to do. Emes Yoreh Darco The truth shows itself. The more you learn Torah, Daven, try to serve Hashem in all the things that you do, the freeer you will feel. You are now free to choose. Uvacharta Bachayim!

Thank you so much to the admin. of GYE. This program gives me the framework that I need to stay clean. The sefer Vehaeir Eineinu has been the most helpful tool for me, combined with the 90-day chart and the sponsor who I knew was keeping track of my progress. May Hashem continue to help GYE help Klal Yisrael and may we see the revelation of Hashem's Prescence speedily in our days, Amen.

Notes: Yiddishkeit, living higher. Vehaeir Eineinu. 90 Day Chart. Sponsor.

Another 90-day success

By Jake D.

Baruch Hashem, I reached 90 days clean!

As I reach this milestone, I wanted to sincerely thank all my GYE buddies that were there for me, encouraging me, and who have kept up with me through all the ups and downs that this journey entailed. I wouldn't have been able to reach this day without all of you! I also want to thank the GYE founders for creating this great website and tools!

I know that this is just the beginning and there will be many more stressful and tough fights ahead but what these 90 days have done for me is they showed me I COULD DO IT One Day At a Time. They have shown me it possible to stay clean! Looking forward to many more clean days.

Notes: Social Support. ODAAT.

My personal 12 Steps

By Ben B

These are the 12 steps I took to get me to 90 days clean:

- I have installed an accountability software on all my devices with an accountability partner

- I am reading the GYE newsletter almost daily

- I have blocked Internet on my phone (which is an old phone).

- I have a journal that I use to write sometimes when I struggles (did not write much lately)

- I am in touch with several partners from GYE with whom I share daily my fight

- I am listening to various MP3 shiurim on the subject

- I try to get stronger spiritually (by setting a regular limud schedule)

- I am working out much more than before and this gives me a lot of good energy and good spirit

- I have started my post on the forum

- I try to eat healthier food and get better night sleep to have more energy to fight

- I am using the shvua TAPHSIC method

- I removed the private browsing feature from my browsers

Notes: Stimulus Control. Daily inspiration. Journaling. Social Support. Yiddishkeit. Exercise & Lifestyle Balance. Taphsic.

Success built on diligence

Hello, dear GYE!

Please say THANK YOU to the founder and to the sponsors of GYE. I am very thankful to your holy team. Kol a kavod!

I reached 90 days on the 1st attempt, BH. It was not hard. Now I am 137 days clean from m'zl and watching p-n. According to GYE criteria clean for 110 days. Continue updating on the Wall of Honor.

I must say my discovery of the site where many frum jews like me are working on the same problem gave me a lot of inspiration. I felt that G-d gave me the help I needed for so long, while struggling alone.

Additionally, I tried to be a good talmid and read everything I found in the GYE Handbook. For rather a long time, I faced a problem of being without a partner as I live in Europe. So I tried to talk to others on the online chat. I tried to be disciplined in reading the chizuk emails. Updated the 90-day chart.

I published "My story and my way" - my own topic on the board "On the way to 90 days" on the forum, where I wrote all my struggle story.

Also, I continue learning about the addiction. After reading the Handbook, I started reading the AA Big Book.

I have one devoted partner, who is much older than me and is sober for a long time. I told him all my dirty laundry as sincerely as I could. I told him the things, which I never told anyone.

I plan to join Dovid Chaim's conference calls and to stay in touch with my dear partner, with whom I consulted much through email and phone calls and I will continue to stay in touch.

Undoubtedly, it's G-d Who sent him and you to me. Thank you!

Notes: Not feeling alone. Being active on site. Social support.

90 Days Free: No more Fooling Myself

By E.S.

Tonight I celebrate 90 days of sobriety.

I've had 6 months before but this is the first time it's a sobriety with not giving in to lust.

What I've learned in the past 90 days is it's all about surrendering and allowing G-d to do the rest. I would never have believed that I could get to this point in the past.

Watching porn or masturbating were my drug and they were what kept me alive. When I had 6 months I was allowing myself to give into lust. As one who struggles with Unwanted SSA I would sit in a sauna and look at the men and say I'm only lusting I didn't loose sobriety as it wasn't porn. How foolish was I to think that!

BH I was given the gift of sobriety by starting with one day and now I've been given 90 gifts.

I pray for many more gifts for the rest of my life one day at a time.

Note: 12 Steps.

How I got to 90 days clean

By Josh

Here are some tips that helped me:

Delete everything (Instagram, snapchat, facebook, Twitter, ifunny, netflix). We trick ourselves into saying this is not pornography, but then the images go into our heads, and since we are on a “kosher” (non-porn) site, we think we can search anything! Then, we start searching stuff which leads to ...

Getting rid of subconscious triggers was a life changer, I didn’t fall even once after deleting these apps, besides that, these social media apps etc. were such a waste of time. Fill your free time up with different things (working out, cooking, sports). Pick up new hobbies. I spent my time working out and B"H I have lost 40 pounds. Thank you GYE!

Notes: Stimulus Control. Keeping Busy / Lifestyle Balance.

One Year Clean

by Hashem Help Me

Boruch Hashem, I have passed the year-mark of staying clean, of growing, learning, accepting, listening, and getting to know some wonderful people. In a certain way, the last item on the list - getting to know some wonderful people - was and is probably the most important, and the most life-altering. Because that is why there is "cleanliness," growth, knowledge, acceptance, and some level of understanding.

Thank you to the anonymous forum posters who have cheered me along, agreed with me - and argued with me, guided me, suggested advice, shared their own successes failures strategies and challenges, and encouraged me to keep posting.

Thank you to the chevra who were brave enough to trust me with their real phone numbers. You were there for me when I needed a good word, some mussar or advice, a kick in the pants, or just to share life's challenges. You also opened your personal lives to me and allowed me to be there for you. You gave me self-confidence, purpose, and direction. The satisfaction of crossing hurdles together with you (whether your frustrating moments or mine), and having who to celebrate (or cry) with is immeasurable.

Thank you to the chevra who were really courageous and agreed to meet in person. You really "did it". That's what I needed. To meet real people, nice people, healthy well adjusted people, ehrliche people, singles / marrieds / divorced / yeshivish / chassidish / modern / sfardi, all struggling with the same thing. I became part of a family. No more was I the loser. No more was I the rasha. No more was I suffering in silence and all alone. Plus, you showed me, yes even those of you who fell very far down, - that it can be done. Some of you are super successful BH. Some are still having ups and downs. But all are growing, being more and more successful, showing me and anyone else who wants to see, that a yid in 2017 can stay clean!

Thank you GYE - founder, administrators, donors, and anyone else involved. Only Hashem knows the reward waiting for you for the "kedusha revolution" you have trail-blazed. And as a side byproduct maybe without you realizing it, you have also healed so many people from depression, anxiety, shalom bayis issues, etc, etc...

Thank you Hashem. It is simply not possible to describe the chessed You have shown me during my "journey". I feel as if You placed Your hands on my head and benched me. There is a lot more to say, but Chazal warn us not to list praises of Hashem for fear of limiting all that He has done - which is truly limitless.

Upon reaching the year milestone, I realize that in reality, it is just another day. May Hashem grant all who read this and everyone else too, the hatzlocha to conquer this scourge, and the peace of mind to calmly reach milestones and have them pass by without even noticing. Hatzlocha to all.

Notes: Social Support

How I made it to 90 days

By OzerHashem

First and foremost, I realize it was through a Power Greater than myself.

Secondly, this time was different as there was absolute and complete openness and honesty with my wife.

I also had the complete commitment not to take the first drink. The slightest amount of lust for me = death. And I didn’t want to go back there.

Anytime I wanted to take that first drink, I had to surrender and say, "if I truly want sobriety I have to let G-d do his work." AND HE DID!

I hope now to keep climbing the wall of honor one day at a time!

Notes:

  • 12 Step Program

Another 90-day success story

#sjuser

I have special news to share. Today is day 90 for me! I've made it 90 Days clean for the first time since I've signed up!! I know that I don't really take part in the forum chats (I've found other GYE tools to be more helpful for me, and I've drastically cut down the time I spend online...), but I wanted to share this news with my fellow warriors;)

I've still got ways to go, but this is a special milestone for me and I'm so grateful to Hashes that I've made it this far.

First time I tried I fell on day 6, second time day 30, third time day 67. My last fall was Erev Yom Kippur this year and I haven't looked back! I'm grateful for fourth chances and just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone for sharing their stories, and tips, and making me feel welcome, thank you for giving me hope and encouragement. You will never really know just how much you helped me in my darkest moments. Thank you. And now for Day 91!

Notes:

  • Social support?

Reaching 90 days one day at a time.

Many times in my life I have lasted long times without any falls. The issue was that they were always post-fall and then I'd feel guilty and say "never again!" It would last a while but then I'd have another fall. I always looked at it as "forever." This time, I took it literally day by day and was able to follow my chart and see my progress. This was probably the best Shmiras einayim period of my life! I'm almost 30! I hope to continue day by day by day. One day at a time. Thank you, GYE!

Notes:

  • Tracking
  • Focusing on it day by day.

My 90 Days, second time around

I've just reached 90 days for the second time, only the last time I acted out on day 91!

There is a great difference between now and then, as then I was--as they call it-- a "dry drunk," without doing much to stay clean. But this time it's with 3 times per week live meetings, plus another phone meeting, having a sponsor, doing steps 1 through 7, sharing with friends, and a lot of surrender and prayer. That's how I got here.

I always say in the meetings, I haven't done anything to keep me sober, I am just working the program and Hashem has kept me sober.

Notes:

  • 12 Steps

With support of GYE, another 90-day milestone

#aa thoughts

What has helped me stay clean, b”H, the past 90 days?

Firstly, all the incredible support of GYE and its members. There is no doubt that this is the strongest point.

Also, seeing the fantasy thoughts as the nisayon they are, clarified it as something outside of me and not a reflection of me, as I used to think. Once I identified it for what it was, I could now actually work on overcoming it.

Making it disgusting in my eyes, helped sometimes.

Focusing on one day at a time, trusting Hashem that He helped me up to this point, He will continue to guide me as long as I turn to Him.

Another point that helped a lot was starting to focus on being a giver in any situation. It changed my perspective and gave me fulfilment so that I didn’t need to seek the good feeling in other areas.

A practical tool when an inappropriate thought came was to stubbornly insist on changing the subject, doing whatever necessary to do this. Whether it was an easy one of saying ‘go away’, or to put on music, or to even chant to myself ‘clean, clean…’ until eventually the message penetrated.

When feeling triggered, staying in a room of people keeps me from falling. Just thinking, if they knew what was going on in my head, jolts me back to reality.

Ultimately, the most effective tool is to daven, with the genuine feeling that only He can overcome and to trust Him with the results after doing hishtadlus.

Dear GYE,

Today is 90 days

I’m tasting the sweet sound of it

Savouring its warmth

What a magnificent gift

My gratitude is immeasurable

For not only has lust been subdued

My essence has changed, improved

Working on this struggle

Has affected deep inside

I’m a new person

Have a fresh perspective on living

I’ve been working on my core

Hard work, yet so rewarding

I’m overcome with appreciation

Mere words cannot express my gratitude

If 90 days is a kinyan

Then reaching this milestone on rosh chodesh, a time of renewal, is an inyan

Av may be a month of mourning our unfathomable loss

But working on this struggle is surely a zechus

Elul and the yamim noraim are just around the corner

This is the first year that I can come with the knowledge that I’m not in the same place as the year before

This time the work was real, genuine

Be”H lasting and continuously growing

GYE, you have been the initiator and catalyst

Enabling and facilitating this journey

If only words would convey my true gratefulness

But all I can say is a simple ‘thank you’

Yeshalem Hashem sechar peulosecha

P.S. Please let me know of something I can do for GYE.

Notes:

  • Externalizing Urge.
  • Imagery techniques (making it disgusting)
  • Davening.
  • Being a Giver.
  • Distraction.
  • Coping Statements.

How did I make it to 90 days?

First and foremost the first step in the right direction for me was clarity. Clarity, sincerity, and honesty with myself. The breaking point of rock bottom. The looking in the mirror with shame, disgust, yet daring to search for my soul and beg for it to fight.

Even that wasn't enough, after all, I wasn't in control. I was still busy living as my body. But the true desire to move beyond the lies no matter how deep in the quicksand was the still the 1st step. Step 2 was admitting my headstrong way of fighting my addictions wasn't enough. My rabbi introduced me to GYE, from then I started allowing advice permeate and help me. I read the GYE handbook which is a fantastic tool, signing up for the 90-day chart was monumental as well. The daily chizuk emails and the app nofap were important tools as well. A filtering tool is crucial, I used netspark which is good.

Most importantly I admitted to Hashem I needed his help. My soul needed to and still needs every day to be cleansed. But I admitted the truth as Chabakuk said, "The righteous live by their faith." The only way out was with faith. The only true way out in our times of struggle is with Hashem's help and allowance of our free will to be assisted. So I turned to Hashem and asked that he help me in my fight. I still can't explain how I reached 90 days since discovering porn and puberty well over a decade ago. In my fog of despair, I never thought I'd reach this far. All I know is it only happened because Hashem blessed me with his assistance. May we all find and stand with truth and be helped by Hashem to cleanse our souls one moment and day at a time. Another important thing to add is the 90-day chart is great for something to strive for. That being said we must remember to fight in the moment when we are attacked. If we find ourselves losing, we must have the strength and courage to press pause to our internal war, get out of our head and beg Hashem for help. May we all be healed and may we all heal this world from this horrible disease with Hashem's help.

Notes:

  • 12 Steps.
  • Stimulus Control.
  • Daily Inspiration.
  • 90 day chart

From GYE Ezras Noshim: I made it past 90 days b"h!

I started to count the days a few months ago, but then my sponsor said that for me, the counting is too much of a pressure and I should take it just "one day at a time".

So for a long time, it just said "Day 1" under my name on the 90-day chart. And I loved it that way. Lately, I saw the new 'Still clean' tab on the chizuk emails. So today I hit it. And yeah, I see it's been more than 90 days...

How did it happen?

It is a combination of things.

  • The Big Book - I read a page every day
  • Working the program with a sponsor
  • Doing service for others
  • Therapy
  • Posting and sharing on the forum
  • Fellowship
  • Staying in the sunlight and running right back when something managed to block it out.

Everything together helped me do my steps 1, 2, and 3 every day. And maintaining steps 10, 11, and 12.

One day at a time, we can do it!

Notes:

  • 12 Steps.

Beginning of a lifelong journey

I started on Recovery when I was busted by my wife. I had been acting out for more than 30 years. That first night after I was busted, I went to sleep and I knew I was in big trouble with my wife. While lying in bed, I imagined myself in Beit Din Shel Mala at the end of my life. I was in the middle of a dark room surrounded by many people watching the Din. All of my acting out was played back and I felt a great dread that my Din was LeChova and there was absolutely no escape. I felt a deep fear. This was my rock bottom.

My wife had happened to be at a lecture by Rabbi Twerski where he talked about GYE for about 5 minutes. She told me that he said that this is the only way to recover from this addiction. I wasn’t convinced I was an addict, but I was desperate to pacify my wife. The next day (Day 1), I went on GYE and signed up for the Chizuk emails and joined the 90 Day Chart. I spent a lot of time on GYE and two things made a great impression on me. One was a reply from Rabbi Twerski where he said that if you know that a behavior is wrong, and you try to stop doing it and you are not successful in stopping the behavior, then you are an addict. The second was an article from someone who has been sober for more than two years. He wrote that when he starts to think that he has this licked then he knows that he’s in trouble. Next, I read a lot about the 12 Steps.

I spent my first two weeks in a severe crisis. My wife was a wreck and was barely talking to me. I had to take a hard look at myself and admit that I am a sexaholic. I studied the first step and tried to understand what it meant to be powerless over my addiction. I went through the following process:

  1. I admitted that I am a sexaholic. This was a huge blow to my ego. A more accurate description is that my ego was shattered.
  2. Because of the second article I saw on GYE, I realized that I had to start a lifelong process.
  3. I imagined myself in the same room where I had the Din. I shone a light around me and I discovered the part of me that is an addict. This part of me has been with me since I started acting out. Whenever I studied mussar and chassidut and tried to conceive of submitting my will to the Will of Hashem, this part of me was actively resisting. Whenever I tried to do Teshuva, including during Neila on Yom Kippur, this part of me was looking right over my shoulder and laughing at me. It was saying, “You can say what you want. You accept what you want. In the end, you will come back to me and continue acting out.” It was a huge revelation to shine a light on this part me. Just the fact that I discovered it and brought it out into the open, significantly diminished its power.
  4. At this point, I asked myself where do I go from here? I looked at the second and third steps and the answer was obvious. Once I had found the addict in me, I had to crush it. I submitted myself to Hashem and I asked him to help me. This was the first time in my life I felt I had truly submitted my will to the will of Hashem.
  5. This was an intense two-week process. I feel that I have never done cheshbon nefesh as I did during those two weeks.

What worked for me? I started with a reading list. I downloaded the Big Book and the GYE Handbook from GYE and read them cover to cover. I read Addictive Thinking and Teshuva through Recovery by Rabbi Twerski. I spent a lot of time reading articles and testimonials on GYE.

I have been working one on one with Duvid Chaim since nearly the beginning of the 90 days. He has been a huge help in guiding me on the path of Recovery including teaching me many practical tools and exercises. I call into Duvid Chaim’s 12-step call once or twice a week.

I find the daily Chizuk and Shmiras Ainayim emails to be very helpful. I start my day by reading them. They set the tone for the day. During the day, when I find myself getting bored (which was always a trigger for looking for inappropriate material on the Internet), I go on to GYE and read a few articles. This keeps me going for the rest of the day.

One of the big problems I always had was Shmirat Einaim in public. One of the best things I saw on GYE (and heard from Duvid Chaim) is that the first look is on God and the second look is on me. If I notice a pretty woman, I accept that I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m still clean. I have to concentrate on not staring and not looking a second time. This is much more difficult on a bus or train when the woman is standing next to me or sitting across from me. In these situations, if I’m having a hard time, I say a quiet Tfilla to Hashem (from the GYE Handbook), “Hashem, I cannot control my lust. I ask you to take it from me.” It works! My next trick when in a public place is to take off my glasses. It works wonders in a restaurant or when going for an exercise walk.

One of my biggest challenges with Shmirat Einaim was the thought that it was impossible to keep this up forever. In the past, I have tried to control this, especially around Yom Kippur. However, inside, I would always think that it's impossible to do this forever. This would eventually lead to a few failures and finally giving up. I want to relate this to driving. First, driving has always been a trigger point for me. When I would be driving around in town, I would always be looking around to see if there were pretty women walking on the sidewalk, crossing in front of me, etc. My point is that when driving, you always have to watch where you're going. You have to watch for other cars, traffic signs, and pedestrians. I would never say that I can't forever watch where I'm driving and I'll just have to give up and drive without looking. It's the same with Shmirat Einaim. In the same way, I realize that I will always have to watch where I'm going when I drive, so I realize that I will always have to be careful about my eyes every time I leave the house.

Throughout the 90 days, I have worked hard on davening to Hashem for help. I have found that my relationship with Hashem has progressed from a Rasha who is trying to daven to an angry disapproving Master to that of a son who is davening to his loving Father. I used to come to shul on Friday night and ask myself how I can accept the Kedusha of Shabbat after all of the acting out I have done during the week. Now I come into shul, I feel clean, I feel the Kedusha of Shabbat and I feel the love of Hashem.

I feel that Hashem took pity on me and sent my wife to bust me so that I would hit rock bottom. This sent me to GYE and saved my life.

Note:

  • Hitting Rock Bottom.
  • Realizing he is an addict.
  • 12 Steps.
  • Coaching with Duvid Chaim.

One day, one step at a time

#Onestepatatime

Wow, I did it! 90 days!

I would first like to thank you guys for your special work. You guys are really saving klal yisroel.

I just wanted to share a couple of ideas that helped me make it this far in my journey. The fist thing I did was take it one day a time. I read this statement from the Klausenberger Rebbe, I think on gye. It said the following "In my youth, I was considered a bright and diligent student. How did I accomplish this? I tricked my yetzer hara. Other children had great plans at the beginning of the school year for the whole year, but in the end, they failed. I said to myself, "I am going to plan just for today - and set the goal for this day only". The Satan, not being interested in a single day, left me alone. The next day, I again just made plans for that day, and so on until the end of the year." - Klausenberger Rebbe.

That is what I tried to do. When I felt an urge I would tell myself not today maybe tomorrow but definitely not today. Slowly days turned into weeks and weeks turned into a month. I saw in a book from Rabbi Twersky that in AA people count their sobriety by the day. He told a story of someone who said that another participant was sober longer because she had woken up earlier and was still sober. So that became my model one day at a time.

I also saw a video of Rabbi Alon Anava’s NDE. In it he described the intense embarrassment he felt in front of Hashem and all the neshamos in the world were looking at his whole life seeing everything he ever did. I would constantly remind myself of this. I would ask myself if the pleasure now would be worth the embarrassment later. Walking in the street I would go without glasses as much as possible. It doesn’t help at close distance but it helps a lot. I also tried to be listening to a shiur or chizuk as much as possible whenever I had free time. Lastly but most certainly the most important thing I did was daven. Every day I would ask Hashem to help me overcome my desires. That I only lust for him and my wife. That I should come close to him and stay there my whole life.

These past 90 days were very hard. Now that I am on the other side I feel like a whole new person. I feel better about myself. My self-esteem grew immensely. I will still take it one day at a time and Be”H the next thing I know I will be dancing with all of you in the front lines greeting Mashiach!

Hatzlacha to you all. And thank you again to the head guys here at gye. May Hashem bless you with the endless strength to continue your wonderful work.

Note:

  • One day at a time.
  • Rabbi Alon Anava’s NDE

I pray this success keeps up

I am, B'H, now 28 days on the TaPHSiC program. I cannot begin to tell you how good I feel, B'H. No more ups and downs, no more depression. My business grew a lot. I'm guilt free. I became so much closer to my wife and kids.

Would not have been able to do it without your wonderful organization. I pray and hope so desperately that this keeps up.

No Words.

#Sheva Yipol Tzadik

Note:

  • Taphsic

The new month. The new beginning.

#Mal

Today is rosh chodesh Sivan and today is my 90th day of my journey. I can't believe this.

I am sitting here by my computer in a trance.

Wow! Did I really accomplish 90 days! Yup, I DID! With thanks to H' and too many other ppl to mention who all helped me pull thru. No, it wasn't an easy journey and I only got thru it living from one minute to the next. I have gained so much from this journey in all areas of my life! I have changed! I am a different person!

I was able to do this. I am strong. I can do anything! I can. This proves it. The fact that I DID 90 days. Nothing is impossible. H' has held me thru it all and continues to do so thru out every aspect of my life. He only gives me what I can handle – this is also proved to me thru the 90 days done! Life is not one rose garden. I also have to want to do it. But really want it. And it can get done! I know that when I am REALLY determined to do something I get it done! There are ups and there are downs. But I can pull myself out the downs and remain up. Life is not about circumstances but about attitude. Hey, I'm naturally a pessimist. But, I have changed. Just like the brain wiring has changed for wanting to act out then my mindset has also hopefully permanently changed to that of an optimist! Yay!

I feel it is so special that my 90th day coincides with rosh chodesh sivan. It's big. I just feel it. I'm feeling empowered. No, I do not want to act out on day 91, bh. Altho it is shabbos and shabbos for me is not a good day. But, Hashem will help me just as He has helped me til now! I trust in Him.

Hey, I just had a thought. Just like rosh chodesh is the beginning of a new month. Today is the beginning of a new life. A good one. A clean one. My neshama is proud. Whatever happens, I can handle. It's from H' and I CAN get up if I fall. I'm not planning on falling, though. All H' wants of me is to try my best and then He helps me with the rest. I have so many a&w moments! Life ain't suddenly easy. No! But my attitude is better and I am still living life minute by minute.

I accomplished 90 days! It is a huge achievement! Tons of battles which I may not have won all of them but I won the war!TY H'!

Thank You for having helped me reach my goal! But this is not the end goal.

It's the beginning of a new month. Of a new life.

I reached 90 but I'm not gonna stop. Life doesn't stop. There are still challenges. But I am stronger now. And have more tools in my arsenal.

I have also learned on this journey what is and isn't really important in life.

It has also taught me that the feeling WILL pass. Just WAIT! And the feeling really does pass!

Note:

  • Social Support
  • Has reached strong self efficacy even if he will have a slip
  • Learning that urges will pass

GYE: A Universal Benefit

#"Pe Re"

I live in Argentina, I'm not really Jewish, but appreciate this network which helps fight what all religions deem a sin.

I want to tell, now I started study in a mixed college, it's full of young ladies who are very much uncovered. Same in the streets, fashion posters, Metro so on. I discarded watching TV, movies, so on. I erased my social media, also, and hide my own cell phone to avoid re-opening my accounts.

Many athletes and scientists say loss of semen means loss of power, vigour, muscle tone, and strength in general. I want that power! I hate the feeling of feebleness one suffers after an emission. I always dreamed of being a powerful man, like a boxer, or a weightlifter. But even Mike Tyson was said to abstain from sex from 3 years.

The main test is looking at the floor discretely every day during class. it's a tough fight!

But I feel a mighty man now. Satan is using an army against us, and i haven't given in yet.

Note:

  • Non Jewish
  • Stimulus Control
  • Beliefs about semen retention

"Hashem-Help-Me" has BH made it 90 days

Thank you for setting up this program. BH, I just hit 90 days; something I wouldn't have dared to dream about in the past. But you did so much more for me for which I will be eternally grateful. I thought I joined GYE to stop sinning. I found out I joined GYE to begin living. GYE has taught me in 90 days so much truth about myself that for years I never saw. I am growing as a person in many ways - and before never even realized I was missing so much! ( I was definitely missing humility).

GYE has taught me what intimacy is (and what it is not), and the proper perspective and behaviors in the bedroom (and everywhere else as well - in all husband/wife interactions). Your daily chizuk emails, shiurim (especially R' Simcha Feuerman's chosson shiurim), taphsic (without actual shvua), 90-day incentive chart were all very helpful.

Most probably the main credit for my success goes to the connecting with real people both on the forums and on the phone. Nice, normal, intelligent, ehrlich, caring people who "have been there and done that" make themselves available for all of us scared newcomers who arrive with the ingrained thinking that we are losers and reshaim - and that there is no hope. They are passionate about helping others win this war. Although different members utilize different methods, the common denominator is "it can be done".

During those early days when withdrawal from my "drug" was so horribly intense, they held my hand and kept me going. Thanks to them, I actually believe that bli ayin hora, there is a very strong possibility I will never masturbate again. Personally, my thank you must go one step, actually one dimension further. As I have written in the forums, for the past few years I have had to be taking a "cocktail" of three psychiatric medications. My doctor had me come to terms that this unfortunate situation would probably be a lifelong issue. Any previous attempts to wean myself off any of these medications was met with absolute failure. After being on GYE for about one month, I felt a menuchas hanefesh that I did not know existed. Bli ayin hora I slowly dropped one medication. Of course, I went to speak this over with my psychiatrist who was so excited with my progress that b'ezras Hashem, we are now a few days into weaning me off the next medication. Despite this being a difficult process, things are BH looking good. Believe it or not, doc (who happens to be one of the most highly recommended - and expensive) actually suggested that if this phase goes well, I should attempt to drop the third after another two months without incident. (Don't worry, I am going to be super careful - I know all too well what mental illness looks like....)

Do you realize what this means?! You are giving me a new lease on life!! May Hashem truly bless all the GYE people - founders, supporters, technicians etc. along with all the chevra from the forums and the phones with an overabundance of brocho and more brocho and even more brocho!

Notes:

  • Social support
  • and more...

GYE changes a bochur's life!

I want to share with you that one of my clients was expelled from his yeshiva for inappropriate advances to bochurim, and he came to see me. I did some work with him around SSA and boundary setting, and directed him to GYE.

GYE has changed his life! He has adopted the TaPhSik programme and is well on the way to his 90 days. He is now back in yeshiva and sober. The Yeshiva gave him access to the office computer so he can check in to GYE for chizuk. Another zechus in your ever-increasing portfolio. Tizku le’mitzvos.

Jonathan R*****n

Family & Couples Systemic Psychotherapist

Notes:

  • Taphsic

Member 'Singularity' Reaches 90 Days Clean

Hello, GYE!

I'm so excited for having reached this point and experiencing the cleanest, most honest and most growing 3 months in my entire life, or whatever I called "life" before now. Death, perhaps.

What helped me? The forum. The dedicated, constant posters, moderators and Dov, for always-open communication channels regardless of location and profession. The forum friends didn't preach chiddushim to me, but rather made me realize that which I already knew, and motivated me to take steps I was too scared to before.

I am now BH in a good recovery fellowship with SAA here in SA (South Africa) and have so many more connections and people to open up with, that my "safety net" has never been as strong. I am learning every day how to surrender my lust and my ego and am slowly feeling the thrill of actually dealing with life's stresses as opposed to hiding and using my (least) favourite drug!

To my absolute delight, I realised my overeating was NOT an addiction and did NOT compel me to join OA as well. Within these three months, after having hit a "rock bottom" overeating during Sukkos, I have eaten better, exercised and become a more fulfilled human being. I feel my success in that area is because of pearls of wisdom and mindsets gleaned from GYE and SAA. I finish long runs One Step at a Time! I ask God to help me up that tiring hill. And then sneak-in asking Him for a clean day, to remove my lust, and to help me serve Him.

I believe it's important to have a mitzvas Asei (exercise, learning, something positive) in tandem with the lo ta'aseh of refraining from lustful behaviours. I've tried the latter alone in the past, especially when focusing on it meant neglecting other areas, ie overeating and not exercising, and it has not been good for me. I grow better holistically.

In the incident with the Moabite women in the Torah, Pinchas stepped to the plate. And made a bold step. A zealous step. And he saved a dead situation.

This was the last test before entry into Eretz Yisroel. If Ma'aseh Avos Siman l'Banim, then what we face in our generation is the final frontier. It's unsalvagable unless we make bold steps. And GYE has done that. You are saving the entire world and pushing us all through to the Geulah, bim'Heira b'Yameinu!

I thank Hashem for your organisation and the true stepping stones to sanity! Keep up the holy work!

Notes:

  • 12 steps
  • Lifestyle Balance

What helped me reach 90 days?

By Yitzchok

Dear Guard Your Eyes Team,

First of all, thank you very much for everything you do and did for me and for the whole of Klal Yisroel.

Here's in short what helped me most:

  • In the beginning, I used to update my Chart daily - that was basically the highlight of getting another day on the chart - but over time I began to update every few days and this seemed to work. Now, I try to update every week or so.
  • I also have the full support of my wife. Very interestingly, it happened on my 91st day that she said to me that my radiance has changed over the past couple of days, as I started smiling more for no apparent reason.
  • I also go to a therapist who is doing a great job getting all the secrets out of me.
  • I wrote on the forum every so often to update my progress, and now I use the forum quite actively - and also our private hangout group.

Hazloche Rabba in all you do!

Notes:

  • Tracking
  • Social support (including wife)
  • Forum

A Clean Chanuka Licht

A Freilichen Chanuka!

How was the first Chanuka Light by you?

By me, it was amazing, B''H, there was this clean feeling - sitting by the candles, connecting to myself and to Hashem, trying to keep my little boy occupied at the same time, wonderful family time and wonderful Hashem time!!!

This Shabbes, the old drives started to come up, in forms of old pictures and videos. B''H, I managed to steer my thoughts to other places; the thing that kept me at bay, not to go into the circles {I do want - no, I don't want}, was the amazing TaPHSiC Method program.

It was just by the Chanuka Licht, I realized why the YH went on such an assault today! It was the last day chance to get me before Chanuka, imagine how I would have felt if I would have fallen after working nearly a whole month on Clean Kislev Project - Lekoved Chanuka, just to fall 1 day before Chanuka!!!!!!!!!

I would have been Broke!

Don't worry, I don't think that the YH forgot me - he is still at work. So somewhere this week, I'll have to renew my Shvua, as it is expiring on Rosh Chodesh Teves.

Notes:

  • Taphsic

I was matzliach - here's how!

by GYE Member (See all authors)

I was matzliach on the 90 day journey and this is what I realized:

1) I must stay busy

2) I have to wholeheartedly want to complete the 90 day journey

3) I must learn every day

I stick with the daf yomi in particular. It brings help from the shchinah, which is the key of fighting the yetzer hara. Also, there's an inyan of starting a new hobby, and learning on a daily basis helps fill in the gap of acting-out for the better.

Also, it's considered doing Tshuva, because when we act out, the thought/imagination of the zera comes from the core with in our mind. And ke-neged that, we use the core of our minds to break our heads to learn Gemara, which is part of our tshuva journey.

Also, it helps to wake up our neurons in our mind to become people who are able to think.

4) Reading the daily Chizuk list that GYE offers helps a lot

Notes:

  • Staying busy
  • Motivation
  • Yiddishkeit
  • Hobbies (Daf Yomi)
  • Daily inspiration

Victory over lust - one day at a time

Hi,

I am clean now for over 90 days for the first time. On your congratulating email, it asked me to share what helped me get to 90 days.

Before coming to GYE, I was blind to the extent and depth of my addiction. The word "addiction" never came to mind in all the years I was acting out. GYE taught me about lust addiction and slowly broke me into the idea of real recovery. First, I read the GYE handbook and posted a bit on the forum. Then, I joined your phone conferences. When I finally joined SA (after a great conversation with Dov from the forum - may he be blessed!) I came to the meetings with a lot of awareness that allowed me to feel comfortable with the program.

Today I have a sponsor, a partner, and a long list of recovering fellows who I am comfortable calling and sharing anything with. I am working the steps with my sponsor and am currently at step three. In the meantime, so many things in my life are improving that until I came to the program, I never realized how messed up they were. My relationship with my wife and kids is starting to develop in a great way (sad sentence, as I am married 5+ years and have 3 kids, but true). I am sober over 90 days but am starting to really be able to live "one day at a time." I try to go to at least 5 meetings a week. But most of all, I am starting to be honest - with my wife, children and myself. It is shocking how dishonest I was till now, and gratifying how liberating honesty can be. It sure stunk living a big lie my whole life.

I can't thank you enough for what your website has done for me. I really feel you have given me a second lease on life.

Sincerely,

Yaakov

Notes:

  • 12 Steps

GYE is the gateway to true sobriety.

by GYE Member (See all authors)

I was struggling since age 15. Never made it past 20 days on a good cycle. I found GYE by doing a search in Google.

Originally, I thought that if I joined the 90 day challenge, things would be fine. It wasn't. I was too scared to join a meeting. I searched on your site to see if there were recorded meetings that I could listen to instead of live meetings. What I found was Joe and Charlie's 12-Step recordings. I listened to them and realised that this is what I should be doing. So I wrote to SA, and I got an email for the local guys. I joined a meeting and got a local sponsor, and, thank G-d, I have been sober ever since (well over a year).

I am currently sponsoring 2 guys locally, as well. I continue using the website to keep track of my sobriety.

Thanks, GYE!

Notes:

  • 12 Steps

90 Day Insights

A few insights and thoughts into my 90 days:

by GYE Member (See all authors)

1. It´s my second time reaching 90. I fell pretty hard about a month after reaching my first 90 days. I learned that I can't let my guard down. I must watch for the ¨I'll never fall again¨ thoughts.

2. Although it's a huge milestone, it's really only a number. Nothing magical happens once you hit the number 90. I'm definitely not "cured". Still have to take things one day at a time.

3. Speaking to my rebbi was the best thing that's happened after finding GYE. I must build upon it and make it the strong tool that I need.

4. I can't be a perfectionist about it. I can't let the only thing keeping me going be the fear of losing the number. That's when I lose sight of the real goal.

5. I must keep up with the tools on GYE on a regular basis. They have been my lifeline from the start.

6. I must be fully cognizant of the fact that I am not alone in this battle. Almost everyone deals with or has dealt with it in some form.

Tools Used:

1. Forums. Best way to connect with others going through same or similar situations. Good for talking about anything on my mind.

2. TaPHSiC Method. A way to just stop. It gave myself no other choice then stopping. I used it late into the game but it got me back on track.

3. 90 day chart. Good for keeping a written record of where I was holding. It gave me some motivation when I was feeling weak.

4. Partner program. Basically acted as a personal helpline. I also started this late, but it helps tremendously.

I hope this helps with what you are doing.

Note:

  • Social Support (including Rebbe)
  • Taphsic
  • Tracking
  • Avoided overconfidence

How I reached 90 days

By Lotta Hope

by GYE Member (See all authors)

I had been falling at least three times a week, so it was surely a struggle. I took the 90 days in steps, committing to what I thought I could manage - 10 days at a time. Clicking "still clean" gave me a small feeling of control that I relished, so regularly updating my chart helped me stay motivated.

Pinpointing what made me feel weak, and what my fears were in terms of falling, and sharing them on the forum gave me transparency and helped keep my journey real.

It was these 90 days that helped me let go of my need to act out; I hope I can do another 90.

Note:

  • Tracking
  • Social support

A Miraculous Transformation

By Diamond Spark - GYE female member

See here.

90 days sober after 30 years of acting out

I have been an addict forever. It started when I was 14 and now I'm 44, so it's been 30 years.

About 10 years ago, I joined Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and worked with different sponsors unsuccessfully. I just couldn't maintain sobriety. The SA definition of sobriety is "no sex with self or anyone other than one's spouse and progressive victory over lust." According to my sponsor, lusting is not gaining victory over lust so it's considered loss of sobriety. This caused me to continually have to start over.

Then I went thru a תקופה of major anxiety and was directed to start dropping some of the projects out of my life to make it more manageable. SA was one of them. But getting out of the program caused a huge decline, during which I crossed many red lines. It became clear I needed another עצה.

That's when I found Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). They allow you to do certain behaviors while avoiding others. This was the breakthrough. I, for once, could be sober while still lusting. I wasn't a constant רשע anymore. I continued building on my avoidance list until, finally, I was ready to adopt GYE's standards of sobriety. By then, staying sober was a breeze and now, it's not a struggle at all. I'm loving every minute of it! It just might be the עצה for some people. Keep it in mind.

Thanks for all you do. Keep it up and תזכו למצות!

Nathan

Note:

  • Goal Setting (Using GYE's standards of Sobriety)
  • SAA

Packing List for a 90-day journey

Member "S.M." shared what helped him upon reaching 90 days clean:

There are many different strategies that one can employ in order to reach a target. I can only share what worked for me.

I found the Step 1 share incredibly liberating and it allowed me to get rid of fantasies that were swirling around my head. This allowed me to finally air-out how sick I was and admit to safe people that my life was completely unmanageable and that I was addicted to lust. Until that point, either I didn't know or I was in denial about how sick I was.

The importance of the fellowship was critical for me in this early stage of recovery. It has allowed me to reach out and ask for help - this is the message of Step 2 - I cannot fight this disease by myself and I need the strength and unity of like-minded people to help me learn to live with this disease. The guys help me reach out and break my isolation. They have given me the strength to realize that I may never get "healed" from sensitivity to lust, and it is something that I have to live with and adapt my life accordingly. Very much like a chocoholic who finds out that he is a diabetic - either he changes his lifestyle or he dies. My disease is exactly the same, either I stop giving in to my lust or I die. Of course it is hard and there are times I just want to say 'to hell with it all'. But it is at this point that I fall back to my Step 1 - I don't want to die.

I also have found helpful my incredibly supportive wife. I know I broke all the 'rules' when I told her everything, she even read my Step 1 before I gave it. Obviously, this led to a tremendously difficult few weeks. However, she has accepted me for who I am, she isn't happy about it and sometimes she wants to give up, but she is giving me the most unbelievable support. I am completely accountable to her. There is a book called 'For Men Only' by a guy called Jeff Feldhahn, it gave me a lot of insight into my wife's mind and it showed me how to be there for her and give her the emotional space that she needs. Of course, it is hard, and there are times that it is extremely difficult, and I am not there for her. But at least now, I know when I have screwed up and why.

One more thing that helped me was that I had a sponsor that knew I didn't want to lose my sobriety. I know that for much of the last 90 days I have been white-knuckling. But my sponsor helped keep me sane and guided me through very troubled and turbulent waters. It took about 70 days of white-knuckling and being brutally honest with my sponsor before I was able to start a "positive" sobriety.

Additionally, I had to learn to take each moment as it comes. It is so hard to live knowing that you may never get better. So instead of focusing on the future, take each moment as it comes and in that moment, focus on why you are doing what you are doing.

Finally, without prayer and without G-d's help I would never have gotten to this point. I have been frum my whole life, but it is only now that I am finally learning how to pray to G-d. My G-d. The G-d who loves me.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But if we live for today we can trust that tomorrow will be even better.

Notes:

  • 12 steps
  • One day at a time

How I Got to 90 Days

Thank you, thank you, thank you GYE!!!

Before I started the 90 days this time (I did it once before but fell soon after...), I was so afraid. I have been falling every other day and I was terrified of failing but even more terrified of letting go of my self-pleasure. Finally, after receiving some help from people on GYE, I realized that I would always want the acting out, but that there was something else that I wanted too - and more deeply. That was sobriety. To be clean. To be able to feel close to God. So I began.

I was afraid of trying for 90 with nothing to help me in moments of temptation. I did try to avoid those moments, but what really helped was:

a) The Taphsic method. I vowed that if I wanted to act out, I'd first have to say "Hashem, I want to be close to you" 100 times. If I still fell after that, I'd pay $50 to GYE. If I fell without doing that (even though I remembered), then I'd have to pay $100 to GYE. I didn't fall.

b) I joined DC's 12 step conference calls. Being constantly involved in recovery talk and thoughts and doing the exercises has helped me SO MUCH.

Notes:

  • 12 Steps
  • Taphsic

20 Years in 90 Days

This is truly wonderful! I've received a huge bracha to be able to reach this point. After a good 20+ years of addiction, I'd totally given up on ever getting near healed and simply accepted that this was my affliction in life, my pain and burden that I had to bear (along with all the knock-on effects of carrying it).

In the last 90 days, not only have I felt much better about myself, I have strived in so many areas of my life (marriage, friends, work, etc). I never knew I was capable of all of these rapid improvements! But as I started to see results, I just kept reminding myself that my self-esteem was more precious than any pain-killing image, and that's how I got to 90 days. I'm obviously very scared to slip, now that I realize how much I have to lose.

I had wonderful support from my sponsor; just knowing he was on the end of a text message or email kept me very sane. He's on the other side of the world from me, but like a true brother.

And so I say to anyone reading this who thinks it will never end: "please, please think of yourself, do yourself a massive kindness and put the shmutz down. You think you need it, you think there's no escape but it isn't true. I promise!"

Thank you, GYE, for giving me my life back after 20+ years!!!

With love

Noah

Notes:

  • Social support
  • Mindset

90 days

I'm proud to say that I have completed ninety days clean!

Now, whenever my teachers talk about working hard on something and improving, or about self control, I have this good feeling inside, knowing that I did it.

I am so, so, so happy. I feel free!


Sharing with Others

My words cannot express the amount of agony, angst, joy, and pressure leading up to this day. The smoke has begun to clear, and another 90 days are barely seen in the distance. But, I can proudly say that I have walked up this hill with full efforts, 'all in'! The only way to continue climbing that huge mountain called LIFE is by continuing my growth in GYE through the Step Program. Though there have been many battles, the war has just begun... it is constant, every day a new page, but today is the beginning of a new chapter. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. A bright one.

Thank you GYE! Thank you Dad, Hashem, Master of the Universe! I couldn't have done it without you.

What helped the most was a close friend knowing exactly what I was going through, day in and day out. He also was notified if I had a fall. I was held accountable for all of my actions. Not in La-la land, but with a real person! The Taphsic method also helped a ton! The consequences were realized. If I fell, I was accountable. I had to 'pay up'.

The most successful method I have found is to bring other people into your world who you have to interact with every single week. You see them in shul, you see them sometimes during the week at davening, he's an angel looking out for me. My Rov also knows on a high level what I am doing--he knows this is a challenge for me. He knows I am in the GYE program. This makes the impact real, it makes it hit close to home.

So for those of us who are not telling the closest people in our lives - our wives, our friends, our Rabbi's, our family - we are setting a Bor in front of our path, ready to fall into it. Our lives will become extremely complicated very quickly. We will be twisted in a web of secrets, constantly hiding from the closest people in our lives. We'd be fooling ourselves if we feel we are achieving greatness, growth through the program. Our best friend, the most important person in our life, is unaware of our struggles, our achievements, and our growth in overcoming what we've been put on this Earth to overcome. WE ARE THE SUPER SOLDIERS of this generation, this time in history. It's obvious. I need not say more.

All the best to my brothers. May we be successful in conquering this mission. The world depends on us. G-d, kaviyochel, depends on us.

J.L.

Notes:

  • Social support (big time!)
  • Taphsic

Thank you for slowing me down!

by Anonymous

Dear GYE!

Have I said "thank you" to you yet? Well, I'd better hurry up, so here it goes:

THANK YOU! for getting me to finally stop running like a horse into battle (language of the mesilas yesharim); and for slowing me down, like the Ramchal says, to think about what I was doing. While active in the addiction, one can't think, one doesn't think.

It's only because of the 90 day challenge that we finally have a chance to realize things that we never realized before!

Notes:

  • 90 Day Chart

You don't have to be an addict to benefit

by Finally Finally

I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you do!

I am not and never was a real addict.

My problem was only when I found myself with the yetzer hara right in my face (alone in front of unfiltered internet, business trip in a hotel alone, etc).

BH since I joined GYE I have not had one fall.

Just the feeling of achrayus and having a sponsor to email if I need him and the 90 day chart have done the trick for me.

Thanks so much!

  • Social Support
  • Tracking

GYE truly saved me

by Ezra

"Ezra" posted on the forum:

I am in my 30's, have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this "struggle" for about 13 years. I got involved in online porn when I was in college. I started with small things that eventually led to watching things I never imagined I would look at. I couldn't stop and didn't want to. I thought marriage would help, but it didn't. I never really gave it a great effort to stop until now. I also learn daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught me twice, but being that I have developed a real provenience at hiding, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't happen again. The real kicker was last year. I was bored and stupid at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted. I decided then and there that I had enough. If I had gotten fired for that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what would have happened to my marriage. I was also having difficulty doing my work, which I attribute to difficulties associated with this problem.

So there you have it. I was looking for help, found the GYE website, signed up, put on the k-9 filter and have been "clean" ever since (38 days today). Not saying I don't have the desire, but I haven't gone back there again.

Ezra posted again:

I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of hitting day 60 yesterday. I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy.

My sense of appreciation to the GYE staff and those that have supported me cannot be expressed enough. Over the last couple of days I have been reading the stories section of both men and their wives. The story of the man that got busted talking to minors blew me away. Who knows where my own internet problem could have taken me? I never got involved outside of the web and certainly not with minors, but I never imagined I would do some of the stuff online that I did. (I write this with tears in my eyes). I have been tearing up a lot today thinking about this issue.

You GYE people truly saved me. I have a beautiful marriage and children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (no one thinks they will ever get caught). That scares the heck out of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong. Thank g-d I never hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the ability to "hit bottom while still on top". I am at day 60!! And feeling great. I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin). THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!

For those like myself who continue to struggle. Here are the three things I can point to that have kept me strong:

1. Thinking about the above i.e. all that I can lose - marriage, parnasah, my children, oy vey - is it worth it?!!!

2. Thinking about how I feel afterwards.

3. The filters I have installed (even though I know how to get around them - they are still an additional step).

4. Having my name on the chart and knowing that I would have to start on day one again. I encourage everyone to sign up for the chart, it is really helpful. It has stopped me multiple times; I didn't want to have to publicly admit failure and to start over myself.

Thanks again everyone, I am truly crying tears of joy and appreciation today. I feel great and overwhelmed with joy.

THANK YOU!

Notes:

  • Hitting bottom while still on top
  • Recall negative consequences
  • The 90 day chart
  • Accountability

RATM ("Rage at the Machine")

"Rage" is gonna be upset at me for wishing him a Mazal Tov now, because he gave up 72 of his days to help someone else who was struggling on the forum - and he's officially only at day 20 now. What? How can someone "give up" days for someone else? Well, let me bring you his amazing post. This is one of the greatest examples of Ahavas Yisrael that I have ever seen on our forum (and that's saying a LOT :-)

RATM writes to someone who was unable to make it more than 3-5 days at a time for the past year or so, yet who still never gave up:

You know, this 90 day chart is very, very important to me, and I do think it is very important... When I saw this site and started getting involved in the 90 days I honestly did not think I will last 2 days... I was so unbelievably weak... It was years since I last even tried to be clean... I went on vacation this summer and I thought I'd give it another shot... I figured that when I quit smoking, it started with a two week vacation in which I didn't smoke a single cig... So I figured, if I go the vacation without porn and masturbating, I'd beat this too... Well, within a few days I was locked into a cramped bathroom with my netbook, cursing myself the world and losing faith in everything... That was this past summer... I was truly hopeless... I gave up... I said, you know, this world is just not made for such godliness... this 'lust war versus G-d' is over, and G-d lost... That was my thinking the day I came across this site - as I was searching for even more deviant porn... This network: a beacon of hope in an ocean of destruction... a little tiny signal, blip, blip, blip... soft and weak... but there... flashing and calling the lost souls.... So I followed the beacon and was on the 90-Day chart and it became very very important to me... I read a lot on the site and forum, and I began eliminating lust... Before, I would think about sex all the time... during business meetings, lust; on the subway, lust; on the street, lust; even during learning or davening, and even when I was with my wife I would fantasize... I changed that for the sake of the chart.... I knew that if I wanted to stay on that chart I would need to stop lusting... And sometimes I white-knuckled it to get through another tough day and stay on that chart. But as I continued and worked on not lusting, I didn't need to white-knuckle as much anymore... And even when I left the forum for a while, I was still very careful to come every day and update the chart... The march had to go on... I went through three niddah cycles so far... they were hard... It is still is harder during those times... But the march goes on... and I let go of lust... I just don't think about sex... When a sexual thought comes up, I make it go away, whether through prayer, rage, jokes, or something else... I don't let it linger and fester and grow... Getting to the top of that chart was such a big part of the change in my life... Just seeing the numbers get closer and closer to the big 90 was so important to me... Well, I earned 76 days - and I am now two weeks away...

And then Rage dropped the bomb shell. For the sake of this struggling person, he removed himself from the 90-Day chart at day 76 and signed up again as only 4 days clean - in order to climb back up to the top of the chart TOGETHER with this other struggling member. Here's what he wrote:

So here's the thing... I put myself at exactly your pace (go update yourself today to day 4)... And we will climb this thing together... Every day that you update, I will update (and chalila the opposite too)... And some time around Purim, we will both be near the top together... 90 Days... together... I really really wanna climb this thing back to the top, so let's go, please... No more falls... One day at a time... Half a day at a time... Here... Now...

After 7 days clean together, Rage made another commitment for the sake of their "partnership":

Besiman tov ubemazal tov - we have hit one week clean together... In honor of the seven days and the 'no more falls' initiative, we are happy to announce that for every week of the first 5 weeks that we stay clean during our 13 week adventure, Rage will donate $18 to GYE... The donation will only vest at the completion of the 5 weeks should we be zoche... For weeks 6-10, Rage will donate $36 per week to GYE, such donation vesting at the end of the 10th week... For the last three weeks, Rage will donate $52 a week, with the donation vesting at the completion of the 90 days... So far, we have raised $18 for GYE (should we make it through the first 5 weeks)...bracha vehatzlacha to all!...

After they reached 14 days together, RAGE began to FAST for this other member as well. Here's what he wrote:

I have accepted upon myself bli neder, to fast three days, Monday, Thursday, Monday, starting tomorrow, with the purpose of each fast day to ask Hashem to make this easier for you... I have accepted the fast for tomorrow and will be"h be fasting for you... And again on Thursday and again on Monday... My prayer, taken from masechet Brachot, is that Hashem should view the fat and blood that I lose as a result of the fast, as if I sacrificed them on the mizbeach, and take my sacrifice as a prayer that you should have an easier time to reach 90... And the second part of my Kabbala is, that every time we fall, chas veshalom, I will take upon myself, bli neder, another three day fasts, Monday Thursday Monday, until we reach our destination of 90.... WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!!!

May Hashem be with us.

What a beautiful display of Ahavas Yisrael!Ashrecha Yisrael, Mi Kamocha!

Some recent posts by Rage:

Considering the lust-assault we're facing in today's world, it's no surprise we're here on GYE... But the fact that we said we will NOT play along and we will NOT join in the game and we will NOT be another clone, is reason enough to believe we have a little sanity left... Sanity is a full time job in this world, you know...

If you look around the forum, you will notice that some addicts have this notion that somehow being less or more "religious" has something to do with fighting this thing... What attracted me to this chabura in the first place was a message I read somewhere on the home-page that said something like: "We need to recognize that this is an addiction that has nothing to do with our level of observancy..." The two are separate tracks that both need to be worked on, but this addiction needs to be worked on more urgently... Becoming more religious will generally not solve this issue.

When I get attacked by lust I turn to Hashem and I say..."You're kidding me, right?... You put us here in a world where we didn't stand a chance... This Fourth Reich culture that shoves lust and gluttony in our face is too powerful... We can't even turn on the freekin Disney channel without this cr*p gettin shoved at us... on the subways, on the streets, in the books and magazines... we never had a shot... So you know what? This one is on YOU... You take it and You deal with it... It's Your problem now... Next time, if you want me to deal with it, make it a fairer fight..." Yeah, I'm goin to h*ll for talking like that to the big dude, but I'm going anyway. At least I will go sober and free :-)

  • Social support
  • Surrender

MAZAL TOV TO "KEDUSHA" Upon 6 Months Clean!

by Kedusha

"Kedusha" is one of GYE's most active members. He is always looking for ways to help promote GYE in the religious world, and to help other members grow. Just today, he posted a new incentive to help struggling members reach 90 days (see this post). And he was also the one to suggest the $90/90-Day initiative back in Elul (see here). He also recently sponsored some ads in a major Jewish magazine, and he sent letters to the Rabbanim of his community to make them aware of the dangers of the internet and of the work that we are doing in GYE (see here). He has sponsored various ads in the past, and has donated a number of times as well. He is in charge of arranging and encouraging the "Accountability Groups" (see this board) and he helps members find partners and sponsors as well (see this page). He has also tried to get interviews and write ups about GYE in various popular religious news outlets, and although he is not always successful, he never gives up!

If we had another few guys like Kedusha on the forum, GYE would be well known in every Jewish community throughout the world!

THANK YOU, KEDUSHA!

May you continue to be a source of inspiration and strength to us all, and may you go Mechayil El Choyil!

A Recent Testimonial by Kedusha for an ad in a Jewish Publication that he sponsored:

When I discovered GuardYourEyes, my life changed immensely. With the help of the anonymous forum, daily Chizuk e-mails, handbooks and, of course, G-d, I'm no longer ridden with guilt and, therefore, am in a much better position to work on being a good husband and father. Tremendous thanks - from me and my family!

Here are some inspiring posts from Kedusha from the past:

When "Kedusha" first joined he wrote:

I have faced Nisyonos in this area for years. Before Yom Kippur this year, I installed an Internet filter to which only my wife has the password (and if the password gets lost, only she can have it e-mailed to her account, to which I have no access).

I first got the Internet almost 12 years ago, and I stumbled the first day (I had my clean periods, but they never lasted. Instead, I kept doing Teshuva, sinning again, doing Teshuva, sinning again, etc.). I had serious issues before the Internet, as well.

I have been aware of this site for a number of weeks, but only now have I registered. I have read and benefited from a great deal of the wonderful materials that you have to offer, including the newly published.

How did I stay clean for the past 7 days? On the first few days, by counting the hours, then by counting the days. But always concentrating on being clean for one day at a time, and receiving Chizuk from this site. I've been feeling better about myself each day, and appreciating my wife, who I am noticing is far more beautiful than the forbidden images will ever be.

I find that being clean and sober makes it much easier for me to sleep peacefully and wake up rejuvenated. It's hard to put a price on a good night's sleep, which is very important for our physical and mental health. For that alone, it is well worth it for me to stay clean.

Falling in this area robs us of sleep in several ways. First we stay up half the night (or more) viewing pornography and otherwise giving into our y"h. Afterwards, we are feeling too stimulated and/or guilty to fall asleep.

A good night's sleep is just one of the many fringe benefits of sobriety.

Here's an idea: If confronted by the Y"H, politely explain that you don't have time at the moment, but that you would be willing to make an appointment. Take out your calendar and explain that you're all booked for today, but are available at, say 3:00 P.M. tomorrow (I say "tomorrow," because that's consistent with the concept of "one day at a time"). In the meantime, do what you can to strengthen yourself, including getting support from others on or off this forum. Make sure you are in a safe place at the designated time, and apologize profusely, but explain that you need to reschedule again... You get the picture!

I have my filter set to block Google Video and all such video search engines. Even though the filter limits all searches to "Safe-Search," there is no end to the Pritzus that would still be let through. On-line videos are just not for me at all, even for the kosher stuff. It's sort of like going to McDonald's to buy some kosher lettuce and tomatoes!

Yesterday I had to remove a dead bird from my basement. It was quite unpleasant and disgusting. But the feelings of unpleasantness and disgust were short-lived, and I "recovered" pretty quickly. Compare this to when we, chas veshalom, engage in disgusting behavior that affect our Neshama. In that case, the feelings of pain and disgust are much worse, and take much longer to go away. So next time anyone is tempted, just remember: you'd be far better off picking up a dead bird than giving into your temptation!

Note: This reminds me of a story I heard with one of the previous Karliner Rebbe's. He was once served an expensive dish of cooked pigeon. When he felt pulled after the desire, he stopped himself and began to think about all the places the bird hung out, in garbage, in excrement. And he thought about the things the bird ate, worms, insects, until the Rebbe began to gag and pushed away the plate.

I just wanted to share the news that I've decided to aim for a life of pleasure. The question is, how to achieve that? By giving into lust and inappropriate sexual desire? I know from experience that, after experiencing some brief pleasure, I am totally miserable when I do that, and it takes days just to BEGIN recovering.

So, whatever it means to live a life of pleasure, it will require me to stay clean and sober, one day at a time.

Two Sayings by Kedusha:

"Fall today? NO WAY!"

"An alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip;

a sexaholic need to avoid that first slip!"

  • One hour, day at a time
  • Stimulus Control
  • Recalling Negative consequences
  • Thinking about vision for future

It took over 20 years to find you!

by Avraham

There are no words to thank you, whoever you are. When I discovered your site (the details of how I discovered it are blurry, which is puzzling altogether) my life was changed. It was emotional at first when I realized that I was part of a group and not alone anymore. When that initial emotion wore off, I fell. I was not disappointed or depressed, rather I expected it to happen. But now, now I'm proud to say it's an emotional and intellectual realization of freedom from the yetzer horah. I know he'll be back doing an honest day's work trying to ambush me and make me fall. So when I feel like I'm slipping, I imagine that I'm literally standing in a circle holding hands with all the others here, and if I let go, everyone is pulling me back into the circle of closeness to Hashem where my neshama really wants to be.

One turning point was the 90 day chart which works tremendously for me. At the time of this writing I have accomplished two weeks which is a pretty good feeling, since even if I have a fall, at least I have a plan now. At least I have direction now.

Another turning point is that now that I have a realization that I'm not the only one looking at shmutz, I felt comfortable reaching out and picking up the phone and making myself an appointment (by a therapist).

It took over 20 years to find you. I tried every Tachbulah that came my way. but I'm glad you and you're community are part of my journey/life!

Avraham

Notes:

  • Social support
  • Not feeling alone.
  • Therapy

What's Working So Far (at 14 days)

by B'ahava (See all authors)

I got an anonymous e-mail about this site and I've been lurking around for about a month now (thank you anonymous yid for e-mailing me!). I figure it's finally time I post a bit about my experiences.

I just made it to level 3 in the 90 day journey. I'm 14 days clean! That's a record for the past 12 months, yishtabach shemo.

My main problem seem to be the standard P and M issues, r"l. I'm in my lower 20s, single, and in college.

Here are some steps I've taken that are working great so far:

1. Working through the GYE handbook and the Attitude Handbook.

2. Stepping out of the room and praying for 10 seconds if inappropriate content appears on my screen, no matter how it got there.

3. Reading the daily Chizuk emails.

4. A daily five minute seder in Esah Einai, a new sefer on shmiras enayim.

5. Prozac, which I've been on for a year. (Helps with depression, anxiety and compulsive or obsessive behaviors)

6. Weekly appointments with a therapist, where we discuss this among other issues.

7. Keeping the door open when web surfing in a room by myself.

8. Installing a good internet filter.

9. Praying for help with these issues, for myself and for klal yisroel.

10. Helping a friend work out his issues in these areas.

11. Reading through the forum and seeing holy Jews in much worse situations break free! What a geshmak to see how much hope there is!

12. Keeping track on the 90 day program.

13. Trying to watch my eyes outside in general.

Breaking free of this is really my number one priority right now - and it's working!!! I've made it 2 weeks now pretty bump-free, yishtabach shemo, probably because of the constant chizuk I'm getting throughout the day (as-per the list above).

Thank you so much. I love all of you and I pray that you'll all break free.

  • Daily Chizuk
  • Escape
  • Prozac
  • Thrapy
  • Stimulus Control
  • Helping others
  • Tracking
  • Shmiras Einayim

Mazal Tov to "Halevi" for reaching 90 days clean and joining the "Wall of Hashem's Honor"!

by Haleivi76

Thank You GYE! Thank G-d, this past week I completed the GYE 90-day journey. It's been an interesting process and before I share some of what's worked for me I'd like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you. Whether you realize it or not, you've all played a part in my success. Just knowing that this place exists, that despite the fact that the prevailing world view is that this behavior is acceptable - 'normal' even - and that despite the addiction and all that it entails, there are people who out of their extreme devotion to Hashem are fighting tooth and nail to break free and overcome this crippling illness, provides me with huge chizuk. Before I visited this website, I had almost deluded myself into thinking that "it's not so bad... I'm single, how could G-d possibly expect me to NOT do this?". I had virtually given up or given in. GYE was the slap in the face I so badly needed. So thank you!

Along the way I've picked up a few things and I'd like to share some of them with you now:

1. You must, MUST install an internet filter. In my opinion, if you have an addiction you simply will not stay clean without one. For it to be effective, you must make sure that you won't remember the password. The [gabbai] is one of the best services that this website provides, so if you can't entrust the password with a family member or close friend, pass the details on to the gabbai.

2. The GYE emails and the forum are both great resources. Make use of them! As I said before, just being around the forum and other people who understand what you're going through is a huge source of inspiration and help. Sign up to an accountability group, post messages of support for other members, just get involved! We are not islands, we are members of a community.

3. Even before a good filter, the eyes and mind are the two most important filters there are. Yes, you will see attractive women and some of the time they will be dressed immodestly, but it's how you react that will make all the difference. As addicts, we tend to fixate on things we shouldn't, we tend to think that if we look away we might be missing out on something... but the truth is there is no real enjoyment to be had from this filth! The sooner I realized that and the more clearer that has become, the better and longer I've remained sober.

4. 90 days is a lot shorter than it sounds. As Chazal say "all beginnings are difficult". Just take it slow at the start. If you can make it past day 30, you are well, well on your way.

I wish everyone the ultimate success in their recovery.

Notes:

  • Self Efficacy
  • Stimulus Control
  • Social support
  • Shmiras Einayim

Living With This Avodah

B"H, I have made strides toward changing my life for the better. I joined the 90-day chart, but I don't live for it, I live with it. I enjoy updating the chart but I don't think about what day it is every moment of the day.

I also had the password Gabai change the passwords to several email accounts that I was using to communicate with 'friends' whom I realized were actually just fueling my addiction. Great people, but not great for my life. I felt tremendously empowered when I tried to sign into those accounts the following day and I was locked out. I actually threw my hands up in triumph.

For me, it has been great to realize that this ordeal will help my entire relationship with Hashem. I am working on not hoping to be 'done' with this avodah, rather living with this avodah. After all, it is not an avodah of 'sur meirah' as I have looked at it until now, but it is primarily one of 'asei tov' - living more for others and for Hashem. And I have seen the past two weeks improve in several ways, as a result of my developing relationship with the Aibishter.

Notes:

  • Stimulus Control
  • Lifestyle Balance

Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90th day clean!

by Sci1977

Day 90 of being clean and sober. Thank you G-d, thank you G-d, thank you G-d.

How do you even come close to understanding this momentous - yet still so small of an accomplishment - at the same time? My gratitude is immense, and I will forever remember these 90 days probably more then any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I found "living". I feel like a four year old that just got to open up his biggest birthday present. The only difference is, that instead of getting a toy or a video game, I received something better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming with my deepest and most honest feelings.

A few things that I want to make sure I mention, because if I don't - as a human - I will kick myself: Be true to yourself and honest to yourself in your recovery process. Think of everyday as day 1. Yes, I have counted, but I feel like the count really doesn't matter. It's how you live that counts. Live the change you want to make.

Don't forget your past. Remembering who I was, is certainly a great reminder to continue on this journey. I was an angry little man (a small admission that really needs to be said on this day). I am still far from where I need to be, but I am not where I was. One day at a time, with courage and determination. On a long trip, you can find yourself.

I look at where I need to go, and I know I am so far away. G-d, give me the power to be "powerless" the rest of my life. This voyage is for the rest of my life. I will continue to lean on pillars of the strength of G-d and my wife. I look to them for guidance in good and bad. If you look at the addiction like an allergy, it helps.

The one word I would use to describe the last 90 days is, "work". You have to work on yourself to get somewhere. That's right, work on yourself. Introspection of oneself is the best and most positive thing you can do. You can find out what makes you 'tick' as a person. It's introspection that made me understand you can't get far internally without thinking with a calm, cool, and collected head.

A positive attitude is a must. Without it, I know I would not have made it this long. I have tried to figure out how to write an outline of what worked for me. But instead of formally writing it, I am going to make bullet points.

  • Tell your story
  • Thank G-d for everything and understand that He is everything
  • Be positive about your life, but more importantly, about yourself.
  • Say goodbye to your past, but don't forget the past.
  • Say hello to living, and live the change you are trying to make
  • Love yourself
  • Love your family, especially your spouse.
  • Be honest and work on yourself.
  • Rely on friends or family when things get tough.
  • Find outlets of relaxation (for me its sports).

Lastly, I want to thank all those who have responded or wrote something to me on my threads on the forum. Thank you, for you have all given me something, both as individuals and as a team.

Oy vey, G-d get me through this without so many tears. My wonderful beautiful wife. You and you alone were the one to put me on this path. Words can do this no justice. I hope you feel I have worked hard and really understand that I am not here without you. This could have been our end, and instead we turned it into a positive. Honestly not easy, but we have. I know that our road is still bumpy. You are everything to me. With every ounce of my being, I thank you.

I am eternally grateful to be where I am, on a good and moral journey. Thank you G-d, thank you my excellent wife, and thank you GYE.

No slips or falls, non needed or wanted.

I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR- WITH G-D'S HELP!!

Notes:

  • Positive attitude
  • Lifestyle Balance
  • 12 step ideas
  • One day at a time, think of each day like day 1.
  • Social Support
  • and more...

Coming Clean

by Yuro Jew

I am very happily married with B"H a house full of children. I have been suffering from a lust addiction for decades, since I was a teenager. I have had my ups and downs. I even looked into joining a 12-Step SA group, but my Yetzer Hara got the better of me convincing myself with various arguments that it wasn't for someone in my life situation. About a year ago, I finally came clean to an old Rebbi of mine who I knew would understand what I was going through. Just coming out and speaking to someone who understood me was a tremendous relief. B"H as a result, I don't think that I have had a major fall since then. But then of course, you know what happens. I joined Facebook for some "work" related project, and lo and behold, who do you think all of my "friends" were? Still, I think that my earlier meeting or my more cognizant awareness that Hashem was watching kept me from the severe falls of the past. Then things weren't working out as planned and I felt the urge to fall overcome me again. I thought I should pick up the phone and speak with my Rebbe, but I was lazy. Then a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled across an outdated link to a post from what looks like the guardyoureyes forum with suggested online shuirim to help with the struggle. I listened to Rabbi Reisman's shuir from Yirmiyahu. It was very encouraging. I went back telling myself that whoever posted this was on to something. It was then that I came across the real guardyoureyes website, which for years is something that I have been searching for. It is truly a lifesaver. Words cannot describe my gratitude to Hashem and to all you guys for the work you are doing. Reading the handbook felt as if a ton of bricks was lifted from me. I felt like the handbook was written all for me. It's like someone was there in my brain and knew exactly what I was going through. I knew that B"H my life was in for a major change. I am almost done my first read through of the book. I joined all of the daily Chizuk emails. Reading them for a couple of days now, I know that this is the place for me. Today I joined the 90 days wall and the forum.

Notes (I'm not if he was clean for 90 days):

  • GYE Handbook
  • More...

The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint

"SilentBattle" is one of the most active and inspiring members on our forum for the past half a year or so. In honor of his recent engagement, he sent us his inspiring story about his journey to recovery. Besides for being able to learn a lot from his story, we all need to learn from his selfless dedication to helping others. He literally spends hours posting chizuk to other struggling members almost every day!

Thank you SilentBattle, and a big MAZAL TOV! May you build a true Bayis Ne'eman bi'Yisrael.

by Silent Battle

I grew up in a frum family, relatively Yeshivish, though I did watch movies occasionally. I went through standard adolescent turbulence but turned out OK, boruch Hashem. I learned in Yeshiva for a bunch of years, and enjoyed learning. However, from the time I was young, I had a major issue with being mz"l (masturbation). When I was younger, I would buy magazines, and more recently, I used online porn.

Then, a few years ago, things got worse. Much worse. With shidduchim not going well, and most of my friends married, I felt very alone, and I actually began meeting live women to satisfy my emotional and physical "needs." This went on for a while. I knew it was wrong, it went against everything I knew; everything I wanted to be. Occasionally I would stop. I'd delete my email account, erase all the numbers of the women I'd known... but it only lasted for a while. There was a part of me that wished I would get caught, because I knew that despite the suffering and embarrassment that it would cause, it would be worth it if it got me to stop this terrible behavior. However, I couldn't actually bring myself to say anything to my Rebbe. I couldn't even bring myself to daven for my Rebbe to find out.

But I guess Hashem heard my heart's prayers, even if I couldn't articulate them. My Rebbe did find out, and he confronted me. He recommended that I use GuardYourEyes, along with therapy.

My first goal was to put an end to my unhealthy relationships, which I did immediately. When my therapist recommended though, that I practice complete abstinence, including masturbation, I wasn't sure. After all, that wasn't the main problem, and I honestly didn't think I'd be able to handle it. For years, I'd never been able to stop my practice of being mz"l for any appreciable amount of time. But I figured I'd try it.

I signed up for the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started keeping a journal on the forum of my thoughts, my progress and the tests I was facing. I read about other people's tests on the website and forum, and I began learning different approaches to this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt part of something special. Here was a group of people, possibly the only one in the world, fighting against this. When I had a victory, there were people who rejoiced along with me. When I was having trouble seeing things clearly, there were people to help guide me. When I was feeling down, there were members of the forum that encouraged me, let me know that they cared, let me know they were there for me. And slowly, slowly... it worked. I showed up by my next therapy session and realized that I'd been clean for a week! The weeks passed, and I'd been clean for a month! I was shocked!

I'd learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it. And whenI shared this with everyone on the forum, they celebrated along with me in this too.

The months passed, and I learned more about myself. Looking back now after being clean for more than half a year, it's truly incredible. I've done things I never thought I'd be able to accomplish. I've completely stopped all my lust-motivated behaviors! And in retrospect, I feel that maybe Hashem put me into the situation I was in, so that now, I could end up even healthier than I was before; with the capacity to truly feel good about myself, without feeling any hypocrisy, and without having my own self-pleasuring and fantasies get in the way of real relationships in my life. And most of all, to finally be able to connect with Hashem in a true way. I don't think it's any accident that my learning has improved so dramatically since I got clean.

I put all dating on hold, while I worked on getting clean. After being clean for several months, I began dating again. B"H, the very first girl I dated, I became engaged to. This was partially due to my new, healthier outlook, both towards life in general and towards myself. But I am absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's immediate response to my Teshuva.

I also have no doubt that I would not be where I am today without the help of all the amazing people on GYE. I can never fully express my thanks.

Notes:

  • Getting caught
  • Forum
  • Realizing z"l is not a need
  • Therapy

Mazal Tov To "Jew-In-Pain" for over 100 days clean!

by Jew In Pain

"JIP", as he is known for short, has had a very painful life. It started when he was molested at the age of nine. See his painful story on this page. Here is what "JIP" wrote when he reached 90 days clean:

90 days! I owe a thank you to everyone for helping me get here, but the biggest thank you, of course, goes to Rabbi Guard. I don't know of anyone in our generation who has created anything as powerful as Guardyoureyes. I am totally indebted to you.

I wouldn't have managed without the help of my fellow members, who gave me constant chizuk & advice. A special thanks to those who shared their personal experiences & those who were in touch with me offline. They gave their time and concern for a fellow Jew whom they don't know & most likely never will. That's real chesed shel emes. You didn't let me down in my darkest days - and there were many, days when I wished I'd never been born and was contemplating suicide.

When I first joined this site, I felt like a young child. I was overwhelmed by what was going on here and what was going on in my own world. Everything seemed so far away and foreign. After a while I changed my mind-set and started moving; asking questions, getting answers, arguing about this addiction. At first, I rejected the "addiction" label. Eventually I decided, "who cares what it's called; sickness, struggle, addiction or any other sweet name? Either way, it's a blockage in a person's mind, holding him back from himself and from growing closer to Hashem".

I would like to share a few things I learned, which might help others:

1. A strong filter is imperative. There is no way to overcome this with open access to all the dirt on the web.

2. We need a safe group of friends such as on GYE, where one may discuss, vent, ask or share with others who really understand and care.

3. Understand that this addiction is VERY harmful. Get out as soon as possible!

4. Feel yourself at rock bottom, and understand that you can no longer afford to fail. Believe that you can do it!

5. Honestly analyze yourself and realize that this may require outside help such as a therapist, an understanding rabbi, an older friend, etc. In most cases, this behavior stems from some other problem within you that caused this addiction.

Guardyoureyes often mentions that it takes 90 days to break a habit. I am not sure how it works and I really don't care how it works; all I know is that it does. I now have only a very tiny urge to go back to the old bad stuff such as porn and masturbation. I no longer see it as "my problem solver" anymore, and I look back on all the years I was doing it with disgust.

Does it mean that I am never going to fall back? Not necessarily, but at least I now have the will to succeed. I know that in order not to fall, I need to keep my eyes and mind as clean as possible.

I have also learned over these three months that Hashem is in control. Turn to Him whenever you feel down. He doesn't charge, is within reach anytime and anywhere. All it takes are a few simple words from your heart. I cried to Him many times over this period and always felt much better afterward. Picture Hashem standing next to you, watching everything you do. And know that he is proud of you!

  • Social Support
  • Stimulus Control
  • Surrender

I Have Come Home

by Ovadia

Thank you HaShem for bringing me to GYE, and thank you Guard for being a true Shaliach.

Here are my thoughts at 90 days. As R' Twerski put it in his beautiful article on Pesach, when one is freed spiritually, he is thankful for every second of his freedom. GYE has made me realize that the concept of Kedusha and being part of a holy nation is not just an elusive idea for "holy" people. It is within our grasp. And for this I truly have to thank HaShem for having the Zechus of having my part in His Plan.

What does liberation mean to me?

  • To go to work without constantly worrying (and knowing) am I going to act out today or will I be able to control myself?
  • Leaving work without feeling relieved that I made it through the day without acting out or frustration/guilt because tit happened yet again.
  • That I can go to sleep after my wife without diving for the ..... to act out.
  • I have learned to focus and be happy with what I have, not with what I don't.
  • That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.

Contrast: Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.

Appreciation: I cannot express my appreciation enough to everyone here at GYE for literally saving my soul. I have received so much from you; so much Insight and understanding. But most of all support and guidance, and the feeling that in the times of darkness there are some very dear people out there who care. Thank you all so much. And of course I look forward to the grand GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor and the Leviasan!

Privilege:It has been the most amazing experience to have contact with so many emotionally and spiritually deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to express my emotions and feelings without feeling inhibited or childish. And I also feel spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah different to learning and davening, but what gives more meaning and amplifies to all Ruchniyos.

Yet I feel some disappointment. Here at GYE we see that everyone has their own struggles. I might be wrong but it seems that there are different levels of addicts. I feel that my own addiction was just a bad habit I could not get out of and needed to be broken. What did it take? Openness and frank confrontation with my feelings and weaknesses; getting out of isolation and realizing that there is an effective way of breaking the habit. And more than anything, a framework within which to do this and the support which I received. And that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take so long to discover something so simple? I am sure that there are so many low level addicts out there like me, that don't need therapy or SA groups, just a healthy perspective and attitude, support and communication, realization that you are not alone or the only one, and to be given the opportunity to talk from their heart. Why is the frum community continuing to deny this to themselves?

The main lesson that I learned over the last few months has been to appreciate and be happy with what I have, and not be constantly looking at what I do not. All the lust and fantasizing comes from wanting just that little bit which is out of your grasp. I learnt to stop "looking" away from myself. Yes, guarding your eyes begins in the eye of your mind. If something does not interest you, then you do not lust for it.

About a month into the journey, I would come to Mincha Erev Shabbos, the end of a week of being at my office and not acting out, and my heart was bursting with joy. I remember saying Aleinu and feeling how privileged I am to be part of Klal Yisroel. Today I feel less of that original excitement, but my main feeling is that I have come home. I was in a sewer unable to pull myself out. Now I am back home after all the years. I feel - relief, and also a big feeling of responsibility - never again will I be able to feel and say that something is beyond my control!

Finally, no words will suffice to thank R' Guard enough for being HaShem's Shliach in saving my soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt that you will be in the front lines to greet Mashiach Tzidkainu!

  • Attitude (read for details)
  • Social Support

Like Getting Married Once Again

by Anonymous

Dear R' Guard,

We owe GYE a tremendous thank you. My wife and I feel like we've just been married again. Thanks to your website we've been able to tackle issues that have been haunting us ever since we were married and had effected all aspects of our marriage, and our lives.

Case in point: I had become involved in your site around Pesach last year, out of personal desperation. I signed up on the 90 day chart and B"H I reached 90 without much difficulty and it was the greatest feeling I could remember feeling in a long time. Unfortunately it didn't last - fear of failure brought me down. I then struggled to rebuild the 90 days, but I couldn't reach more than 40 days or so and I'd fail again and again. I then began the climb to 90 once again, but this time with more active involvement in the forum, followed by more active, involvement in the 12 step phone conference.

During this time I had an important talk with my wife about GYE, speaking about the importance of it, what a great resource it is, and how it helps me avoid the falls that can result from triggers. I did kind of play down my need for the site, out of understandable embarrassment and the pain it would cause my wife. The subject continued to come up and my wife was suggesting GYE to people that she knew who struggled with these issues or knew those who did.

Recently, for the first time, she started reading some things on GYE. She read Yechida's letter to a GYE wife and cried the whole way through. She finally had some level of understanding of this struggle and we were able to talk about it more openly. The whole time she was wondering to herself how much I needed this site, to what extent I had become addicted, whether it was perhaps more than just triggers. Well - I bit the bullet and I decided to share something special with her. As Hashgacha would have it, that day was the exact day I reached 90. I clicked on the Wall of Honor link and said "that name is mine" and I showed her the WOH/90day Chart rules, and that's when we both had the feeling of being newly married once again.

A tremendous thank you to you, all the members of GYE and of the phone conferences, and thank you to HKB"H who I have B"H come to know in way I hadn't known in years.

All the Best,

Me and my wife

  • Forum
  • 12 Step Phone Conference

Mordichai's First Post

by Mordichai

I got addicted when I was very young by being exposed to p*rn in various friends' homes... Before I got married I confessed my struggle to my spouse to be, and fortunately she was very understanding in spite of my addiction. Unfortunately, I still kept falling back into my addiction and kept disappointing her.

I'm now 34 years old and as you can all see on the chart, I am now 72 days clean thanks to HaShem for leading me to this great website. B'ezras HaShem I will reach 90 days and beyond!!! I have good hopes that I will stop this addiction for Good but I know (as is stated in Pirke Avot) not to trust myself until the day of my death!

I find the 90 day chart a very helpful tool in my lifelong battle with lust. After seeing the days I've won so far, it keeps me strong and gives me enough determination to keep going. I don't want to throw away the days I've gained so far. This is what I tell myself when the yetzer hara knocks on my door. The daily chizuk emails also encourage me and keep me focused on HaShem and make me aware of the importance of the olam haba.

I want to encourage all of you who are in this struggle to keep up the fight!! And I want to close with a general call to Please, please keep the filth out of reach of children because otherwise this addiction will grab hold of them too. Prevention is the best cure!!!

Note:

  • 90 day chart

90 Days; One Hour at a Time

by Loi Miyaeish

BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there again, without Hashem's help, it would not have been possible. For over a year, I've been working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart piece by piece, but I never made it yet to ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my life. More than one person has said to me recently, "you know, you just look so happy" without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a smile on my face, but they could feel the true joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet victories.

My story starts many years ago as a young kid, when lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery path that many others have taken; lust, porn, mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my web browser on my cell phone (that's where I had internet access from). At the beginning, I read a bit of the stuff there and decided that I just could not make it. But last summer vacation - in my desperation, I finally became a member of GYE. I used to read every chizuk email through and through. By Sukkos I had already reached almost sixty. But being back home brought back the old feelings and I really began to feel down. I fell worse than ever before, I began to mast. more often, etc.. When I returned to Israel, I tried again twice, but kept on falling. I eventually began to give up on the idea, and decided to just do 'one day at a time'. But with open internet on my phone, I was always very vulnerable to the Yetzer Hara. I tried going to therapy, but I didn't enjoy it too much (I hate psychology). It reached a point where I realized that I have to get rid of internet access, so I asked a friend to keep my phone for me. Letting go of my smart phone was not easy, it was terribly difficult, but in retrospect, it was the best move and the first stage of my recovery.

When I left GYE (for lack of internet access), a tzaddik from the GYE forum who calls himself "Silentbattle" kept in contact with me by phone. He was really wonderful and kept encouraging me. But I could just not part from my friend called 'lust'. I would listen to inappropriate phone chats and do everything besides for porn on the net. I was still badly addicted. For a period, I lost contact with Silentbattle. But in Iyar, I reconnected with him by phone. He convinced me to try and stop the other stuff I'd been doing, and I've been clean from that ever since. But from mast. I could just not stop. I fell again after fifteen days.

In Tammuz, I got a new push. I'd been in shidduchim for over half a year and nothing doing. Silentbattle told me that not long after completing ninety days he got engaged, so I decided that I'd give it a try too. Another important thing he told me was to fight off the Yetzer Hara - not one day at a time - but one hour at a time. Now the y"h didn't have very much to reply to that. One hour?, c'mon, that I could handle. Those 'one hours' turned into days and finally months. B"h, the second day of Rosh Hashana was day ninety. Isn't that amazing? And the same hour that I completed ninety days, I was celebrating another family simcha. The l'chaim was for a double simcha!

Yes, it took me over a year, but I think it was helpful for me to learn to stop things gradually and not in one fell swoop; it became a 'kinyan' and B"H my days today are almost entirely lust-free. B"H I've really been feeling happier.

So chevra, I am known on the forum as "loi-miyaeish" (never despair) and B"H I got to ninety. The lesson is: "Al tisyaeish" (never despair) guys!

I'm grateful to GYE forever for being there from the start of my journey. Good luck holy Jews, and may you all have a G'mar chasimah tovah for a year of only goodness and happiness in life.

Notes

  • One day / hour at a time
  • Social support

It's Not All or Nothing

by Clean Israel

Getting to 90 days clean is a great feeling, and I want to share what helped me.

I had started the 90 day chart in November 2009, but I kept falling. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I would go for a few weeks - and then fall, a few weeks - then a fall.

Then I realized what I had to do, I had to not make it an "all or nothing". I told myself, "you can fall 3 times over the next 3 months. You can do them whenever you want, but only three times."

Needless to say, that's really what did it for me - giving me that little bit of breathing space created a world of difference for me. I fell once in the first month, but because I didn't have to go back to day one, that gave me the boost to keep on going.

Before I started this, I would fall once and I would think, "what the heck, I fell today, I might as well do it a few more times before I have to start over again tomorrow." Then I'd do it 3-4 more times THAT DAY!

This way, I had an incentive to stop myself after that first time, and that gave me the strength to complete a full 90 days clean. Whenever I had a pull, I'd say to myself "you only have 2 more times to fall, why not save it for some other time." And that was enough.

The one thing I can say to all those people still struggling, is that it gets so much easier after you hit day 30. I guess your brain's been wired enough that you've built up enough willpower to stop yourself.

The other thing I can say is that it is absolutely essential to have a strong learning seder - particularly of things you enjoy learning. I learn Daf Yomi, and that gives me an extra boost to just keep it all out of my mind and make me stronger.

I also can't stress how much better my relationship with my wife has become, now that I see her as the only woman in the world really.

May we all have the strength to keep our desires where they belong; channeled towards our Avodas Hashem!!

Notes:

  • Phased reduction
  • Delay
  • Yiddishkeit (Learning)

Cordnoy's 10,000th Post on his 700th Day Clean

#Cordnoy

I came to this site by accident, of sorts. Yes, there were several decades of filth and smut in my days, but I always stopped, at least for a week or two, or more. Recovery and lack thereof did not consume my life. I was fine with the pattern. Of course, yamim noraim (mostly), I'd cry and beg and resolve to sin no longer. Some years I even threw in the towel and made a deal with God that I'll do lots of good in other areas and let's just hide this issue in the closet.

But eventually, there was a rock bottom of sorts. That, together with a push, encouragement, threat of exposure from a woman friend of the family (whom I must have been tryin' to flirt with) put me on a course of action. And that action wasn't a snap of the fingers. And it wasn't without heartache and pain. I went 90 days sober (so to speak). I engaged a long distance therapist, a professional who is recommended by GYE. I joined SA in a city an hour away from me. I was there for about eight months. I went to a local therapist/specialist on and off for about two years. I got two sponsors, one Jewish, one not. I joined calls and eventually led calls. I have been workin' the steps in some way or another for several years. I read the big book, white book, action book and 12&12. I am on my sixth cycle. And I post as well, every once in awhile.

Talkin' to live people really does wonders. Posts are different when I know the poster and they know me. It makes it more real. (This is an important point to know for anyone who spends time on the forum.) GYE gave me the opportunity to personally meet about 20 fine fellows in real life. I thank each and every one of them for their friendship, advice, suggestions, criticisms, etc. And I have had private and personal conversations with another 30 more or so... And been in touch with many tens of others...

And this, my friends, demonstrates the power of GYE; it creates lastin' friendships, friends who deeply care about one another. Four years ago, I knew none of these fellows and now we are best of friends. And perhaps a couple of them I have helped on their journey, but one thing is certain - each and every one of them helped me on mine. I learned humility from one, commitment from another. Mussar, calmness, faith, prayer, carin', devotion, thoughtfulness, diligence, humor, assertiveness, resolve, confidence and more - are just some of the things that I try to apply in my daily life, and for that, I thank them all.

And I must confess that when a fellow emails, calls, texts, WhatsApps, skypes, bumps into me and says, "Cords, you really saved my life, you truly helped me today, this past year would have been impossible without you, I didn't get that massage because of your text"... yes, it feels good, and my ego makes it feel even better, but it's you guys who deserve the credit. You, who set me straight to begin with, you, who showed me my flaws, you, who convinced me of my egotistical, self-centeredness, you, who paved the way for me, and you as well who gave me the opportunity to give back, to keep me honest, to constantly share life's struggles and mine in particular, so thank you.

  • 12 Steps
  • Therapy
  • Social Support (live!)

New entries

How @Ftndrug reached 90 days

I want to recount for a minute here my way to 100 and something days. Hope you'll excuse the length of it.

How did i get to where i am now?

I was desperate. I was watching porn and\or masturbating sometimes 5 times a day. I was losing my life and myself. I felt it hindering me in everything i tried to do. Friends, family, work, learning. I dont think i have to describe to you all the bad effects it had on my life, if you're here you probably know it all.

So, it all started when I prayed as never before (i was truly desperate) for enlightment, wisdom and help from the Almighty.

I dont think it was a miracle, but surely it was the hand of G-d that gave it to me. Enlightment, some wisdom, and a few weapons in the form of GYE.

The weapons i got were:

1. understanding. I understood the nature of my problem. Its an illness, an addiction, and as such cannot be treated by myself alone.

2. hope and encouragement. I found out that its not just me, and that people with far worse conditions could be and were healed, and that after 90 days clean the challenge should become a lot easier.

3. Occupational therapy. I started filling my day with activity that kept me occupied and satisfied without my drug of choice.

4. Substituting drug. The way porn addicts a person is by releasing tremendous amount of endorphines and so keeps him coming for more, just the way some heavy drugs do. So i started lifting weights to get the endorphines my body wanted badly. Sometimes 2 times a day. Generally, whenever i feel a strong urge, thats where i go.

5. Social support. The forum and the chat was a great tool to interact with people that have the same condition and can have the understanding and give support in times of need. Also it was a good way to get off my chest the struggles i was going through.

6. Mind based defense tool. The taphsic method was super effective. When you know you will have to pay 500 bucks if you'll have this tiny pick at bad stuff, it balances the scales.

7. Physical defense tool. I asked my internet provider to activate the free of charge web filter service they give. Even though its easy to override, it still gives me some time to rethink my decision, and blocks annoying random inappropriate material. Only bad thing about it was that i tried sometimes "just out of curiosity" to outsmart it. BH i caught myself on time and thats in the past now.

8. Learning from other's experience. Reading through the threads of success and failure helped me to figure out the best path for myself. instead of tripping and groping in the dark alone i am just using the road marks left by others. Its much easier (APB and special thanks for CORDNOY here, his thread is awsome. though i couldn't finish it).

9. Talking to the experienced. I reached out, or more accurately, he reached out to me and clarified for me a few things. (Since i know he doesnt mind posting his name, all hail Hashem Help Me.)

10. Checking myself for flaws. Every few weeks im checking on my state of mind and general progress, for possible improvements and work needed be done.

11. asking help from the Almighty. Im adding almost every day a personal prayer at the end of 'shmone esre', asking strength and courage to pass the day clean.

The benefits i got because of my work are huge.

1. Time. I have time!!! I did so many things in that time!

2. Friends. I almost abandoned my friends because of my addiction. Now i got them back again.

3. Physical strength. Working out built my body to the level i was a few years ago and more in some areas.

4. Clarity. I am a much better learner those days. I can almost speak one more language.

5. Life. I have my life again. Everything i denied myself from is now coming back.

Now will i be able to continue forever? I pray with all my heart. Is it possible for me to fall? Of course. Do i want that to happen? No. I slip sometimes. Happens. I regret it badly. But i never let myself dwell on it. I just move forward, for if i will dwell on it it will be as foolish as just giving up the struggle and crying which inevitably will lead to more falling and crying. Instead i should analyze what went wrong and plan how to continue.

Am i free from lust? No. I am still tied to it. But with help from above the rope is getting thiner with every fiber getting cut from it. It might never completely disappear, but well, im here to work, aint i?

Huge credit to HHM for reviewing and spell-checking the post :]

How Inastruggle reached 90 days

See Inastruggle

How Gibbor reached 3 years

B"H I have been sober for over 3 years now (1235 days).

I do feel some achrayus to share what I have done. I have gained a great deal from being here and perhaps someone else can gain from my experiences.

I was actually sober for about 2 years before finding GYE, but I would characterize those years as "the dry drunk years". Yes, I was sober, but that was mainly due to my wife finding out about my addiction (sobriety through fear). It was only after coming to GYE and learning a few things, and meeting a few people that my attitude changed my sobriety came much more easily to me. That is not to say that I don't have difficult times any more, just that they are fewer and further between, and generally less intense.

I should mention that once my wife found out, we spoke with our rav, both individually and together. It was a big help to both me and my wife. She had no understanding whatsoever how a frum person could do what I was doing. My rav helped a great deal to restore shalom.

Reading the handbook, and sharing it with my wife finally enabled us to talk more openly and honestly. My wife began to understand me (although I'm pretty sure she can never fully understand me). I began to open up to her more than ever before. (this part is tricky, and I still struggle with when and how much to share).

The first BIG thing that I learned from GYE is that I have an allergy to lust. The word lust is very important. I had always viewed my problem in frum terms. I was doing aveiros chamuros. My entire focus was to stop doing aveiros. Now, my wife for example is mutar to me, so I figured fantasizing about her was mutar. My entire avodah was in the realm of issur v'heter. Once I realized that I had an allergy to lust, I knew that lusting over my wife was the same drug as lusting over anyone else. I had to let go of lust in all it's forms mutar or assur is totally irrelevat - both forms are toxic for me.

I learned that my real problem was not an over-active yetzer hora. I have quite a bit of self-control, but in this area, I couldn't control myself no matter how hard I tried. My results varied, but they never lasted, and my struggle only intensified. I realized that acting out was not the problem, but rather the solution (a very bad one indeed) to my other problems. My real problem was dealing with life. Acting out was just a symptom of that problem. It was my escape route.

I learned from dov that struggling with the problem was just a way of holding on to it. I needed to "let go" of the problem.

I can't remember who pointed me to Dr. Sorotzkin's website, but that made a big impact on me as well. His articles and audio about perfectionism and sexually acting out in particular, were a big help to me. They are all on his website at drsorotzkin.com/ . His descriptions of perfectionism and acting out fit me "perfectly" (pardon the pun).

Sharing my problems with other addicts that I met on this forum helped as well. For the first time in my life, I could share my deepest secrets, which I found to be very therapudic. I was not alone in this struggle.

I met dov and I joined his phone call. Sharing my feelings, was new to me. I had always kept things bottled up, trying to portray an image of perfection. Letting go and admitting my shameful deeds, paridoxically, helped me to let go of the shame and come to acceptance. That is not to say that what I did was ok, but that I could live with myself and move on. I could accept that Hashem loves me unconditionally, and that he is here for me. I don't have to "pretend" to be perfect. Hashem loves me with all my imperfections, many of them were given to me and were not a result of my bechira at all. I am not saying that I don't have an achrayus to fix them. Only that I don't have to feel ashamed that I have them. I only have to feel ashamed if I don't care enough to do something about them. (incidentally, this is one of the messages that my rav conveyed to me and my wife.)

I'm sure there is more for me to share, but this is what comes to mind at the moment.

I just want to make a final point about this forum. I was a great outlet for me, but it seems to me that most of the people who are in real recovery "graduate" from this forum at some point. It is a springboard to learning new ideas, and new attitudes. It is a way to meet people who we can share our struggles with, but ultimately, it is the real relationships that make a difference. Posting here can be (and is in many cases) an escape from real life as well.

I do beleive in levels of addiction (although I know dov does not - you are either pregnant or you are not). Different people need different things, but if you are constantly struggling despite posting on this forum often, perhaps you need something more, something real. I don't believe people recover from being on this forum. I do beleive it can be a springboard to recovery.

I wish us all hatzlacha each and every day one day at a time.

Love,

Gibbor

1000 Days - My Journey From Absolute Misery To True Happiness

by Grateful4Life

Read the story here.

From @ICandothis18

I think the main thing was coming to a commitment that no matter what I will stay in the fight and that I'm in this for the long run thru this I started seeing myself differently and was actually able to implement some of the things we discussed.

Notes:

  • Commitment
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