Lifestyle Balance

See also Pleasant Activities

Torah Sources

בשם הרמ"מ מוקצק זצוק"ל - • רצוני שלא תחטאו, לא מפני שאסור לחטוא, אלא מחמת חוסר פנאי לחטוא.

References

• Horvath - Other satisfactions; building a new life.
• The healthy mind platter in 4.8 - Using creative therapies to facilitate neuroplastic brain changes in sexually compulsive patients, Matthew Hedelius in Birchard, T., & Benfield, J. (Eds.). (2017). Routledge International Handbook of Sexual Addiction. Routledge International Handbooks.
  • The ‘healthy mind platter’ is part of the IPNB literature and was designed by Dan Siegel and David Rock (2011) as a model for achieving optimal mental health. The platter identifies essential ingredients for a healthy mind. It is recommended that each ingredient of the platter be incorporated into an individual’s life on a daily basis to achieve an optimal level of mental functioning. This can be applied effectively to the treatment of sexual addiction; as a patient increases their own emotional health and wellbeing, they decrease their vulnerability towards relapse and decrease the need to engage in acting out as a means of coping. The ingredients of the mind platter are as follows: Focus time ... Play time ... Connecting time ... Physical time ... Time-in ... Down Time ... Sleep Time. (Siegel, 2012)
  • More info can be found at https://drdansiegel.com/healthy-mind-platter/.
• Alternative behaviours must be substituted in place of the acting-out behaviour. If a man simply stops acting out without a replacement behaviour, he will simply hurt and open himself up to continued acting out. We give patients lists of alternative behaviours. These would be self-soothing activities. They are divided into three categories: emotional self-soothing, physical self-soothing and spiritual self-soothing (Hedelius and Freestone 2010). Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 74). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition. (Gives also examples)
• All exercise may not be created equal in this regard, however, as only aerobic exercise was effective in enhancing neuron production in the hippocampus of adult rats compared with high-intensity or anaerobic training (Nokia et al., 2016; also see; Vivar, Peterson, & van Praag, 2016). Tabibnia, G., & Radecki, D. (2018). Resilience training that can change the brain. In Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research (Vol. 70, Issue 1, pp. 59–88). Educational Publishing Foundation. https://doi.org/10.1037/cpb0000110

Further reading

• See Positive Vision Day 58-60 regarding become immersed in Torah.
• Battle of the Generation p. 81: More Ways to Bring Meaning to Life: I must mention two important methods that help remove feelings of emptiness. One is learning Torah. It is vital that we have a daily seder in learning in which we push ourselves to understand Torah. Toiling in Torah study yields one of the most rewarding feelings we can experience, as we will explore further in Chapter 44. The second method is to constantly look to give happiness to others and bring a smile to their faces. Bringing joy to someone else is so meaningful. If we forget ourselves and our problems for a short while and just focus on making others happy, we will begin to feel happy and fulfilled. Even if we start with the purely selfish intention of easing our own feelings of lack, our mood will slowly improve. Experiencing the lift that we bring to others by making a difference in their lives is one of the sweetest feelings there is. We will be genuinely happy and will not feel that we lack anything. (Dale Carnegie, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, pages 173-176)
  • Battle of the Generation Ch. 44 (Torah)
  • Battle of the Generation Ch. 45 (Tefilla)
• לכבודו של מלך חי"ד עמ' 38 - כמו בשור מועד הרשות משנה, כמו"כ בנפש הבהמית כו' עיי"ש

From GYE Members

• For me, it has been great to realize that this ordeal will help my entire relationship with Hashem. I am working on not hoping to be 'done' with this avodah, rather living with this avodah. After all, it is not an avodah of 'sur meirah' as I have looked at it until now, but it is primarily one of 'asei tov' - living more for others and for Hashem. And I have seen the past two weeks improve in several ways, as a result of my developing relationship with the Aibishter. @Anonymous

Ozer Bigevurah

[Section I - Ch. 6 - Step Six: Practical Tips]

This chapter will provide a few suggestions for ways to ease a bachur’s struggle in inyonei kedushah without forcing him to fight the battle head-on.

Aim to fill your life with a sense of accomplishment

When a person is acting out, it is generally an indication that he is lacking a certain sipuk in life, as the yetzer hora most often comes to a person when he is feeling empty. It is well-known that the Rambam writes that thoughts of arayos only come to a person whose heart is panui meichochmas haTorah, devoid of Torah wisdom, and that one should direct his mind to divrei Torah if he wants to overcome this nisayon. Therefore, if a bachur is able to improve in learning, then he will be much better equipped to deal with his nisyonos. If a bachur is weak in learning, then appropriate goals should be set for him on his level, as it will give him a sense of satisfaction when he meets his goals.

Even if a bachur finds satisfaction in an accomplishment unrelated to Torah, it will automatically lead to less of a void that needs to be filled by the empty sipuk of ta’avah. By way of illustration, a bachur will not have a yetzer hora to act out when he is busy dancing at a friend’s chasunah because the sense of purpose and fulfillment is so overriding, that it’s almost as if he doesn’t have a yetzer hora. This doesn’t mean that a bachur will not act out on a day where he feels fulfilled. Rather, the point being made here is that if one finds a sipuk in life in general, it will improve a person’s overall mood and give him a certain sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, which will imbue him with real pleasure so he feels less of a need to act out.

However, there are times when even bachurim who are learning well can be lacking a sense of satisfaction. Quite often the reason for this is because they don’t feel that their learning is an integral part of who they are as a Yid, and they are lacking the realization that they’re building a future for themselves. In such a scenario, one of the goals will obviously be for the bachur to increase his overall appreciation of the chashivus haTorah and recognize how precious his learning is to the Ribono Shel Olam.

Work on general self-control

Another area that can positively impact this struggle is developing one’s overall self-control, without specifically targeting this issue. The reason for this is because when a bachur acts out, his fundamental problem is that he is lacking in his ability to withstand an urge; therefore, when he is faced with a difficult nisayon, he falls apart.

By giving in to every ta’avah he has, a bachur allows the the yetzer hora to gain a hold over him. The bachur must therefore back-track and work on becoming a more disciplined person in general, someone who doesn’t always have to give in to every ta’avah that he has. Even if the nisayon of kedushah is too hard for him to withstand at this point, nonetheless, by working on his general self-control, he will be developing his ability to say “No”, and eventually, kedushah-related nisyonos will also become easier to resist.

There are many areas in which a person can train himself to be more disciplined. Here are just a few suggestions:

• Eating: Don’t eat quickly. Don’t eat too much. Say “No” to a tempting food.

• Davening: Look inside the siddur for a certain amount of time. Don’t walk around during davening.

• Learning: Delay or refuse the urge to get a cup of coffee during seder.

A bachur may want to keep track of how many times a day he can say “No” to an urge. Doing this is a way of showing himself who’s the boss over his own body.

Build up yiras shamayim in general

Working on improving one’s general yiras shamayim, unrelated to this topic, will also help a bachur tackle this issue without having to fight head-on.

The reason is simple: When a person develops his yiras shamayim, he becomes more elevated, and lowly aveiros become more mi’us to him. For example, no frume Yid has a nisayon to go to MacDonald’s and order a cheeseburger. Eating treif is so low and foreign to us that the thought of it doesn’t even enter our minds. Likewise, if a person can strengthen his yiras shamayim, it will indirectly help him in this area as well and create a more heightened awareness that such lowly behavior is alien to a frume Yid.

[Note: On this topic see Positive Vision Day 56 (quotes interesting research). See also Day 71. See also Battle of the Generation Ch. 4-7.]

GYE Handbook

• See Redirecting the power in our souls Ch. 10