Dealing with Emotions

See CBT, ACT, Mindfulness

References

• An escape from boredom and the achievement of euphoria are common features underlying chemically based and non-chemically based addictions (Chaney and Chang, 2005; Orford, 2001). Various addictions, including sex and gambling, are also associated with the attainment of so-called ‘dissociated states’ of mind. Thereby, the normal flow of conscious mental life is disrupted and distraction occurs so that the focus moves from anxious thoughts, such as rumination about personal inadequacies (Kuley and Jacobs, 1988; Orford, 2001). Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 322). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.
• Emotions like stress, loneliness, or boredom often precede unwanted  pornography viewing more often than actual sexual urges. Staley, Cameron. Beginning Your Life After Pornography: Overcoming Your Struggle with Unwanted Pornography Viewing (p. 24). The Life After Series. Kindle Edition.
  • Many people believe that unwanted pornography viewing is a  sexual problem. Although you are viewing sexual images and engaging  in a sexual act like masturbation, the triggering event is many times an  EMOTION rather than a sexual urge. The same is true for eating  concerns. You may binge on a bucket of chicken wings but what lead up  to the impulsive drive-thru purchase was more likely stress, anxiety, or  disconnection instead of an overwhelming appetite for greasy chicken. Staley, Cameron. Beginning Your Life After Pornography: Overcoming Your Struggle with Unwanted Pornography Viewing (p. 85). The Life After Series. Kindle Edition.
• Stress Management Intervention, Ch. 68 in O’Donohue, W. T., & Fisher, J. E. (Eds.). (2008). Cognitive behavior therapy: Applying empirically supported techniques in your practice, 2nd ed. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Summarized many strategies. He mentions how stress management techniques have been found to be effective for substance use disorders, and cites Back, Gentilin, & Brady, 2007; Miley, 2001.
• When placed in a situation of stress, people take corrective action so as to try to reduce the stress. Sometimes they stumble upon their particular effective action by accident. One way is through taking a chemical cure in the form of drugs such as alcohol. Others discover that sexual stimulation, as in Internet pornography, is a way of lowering stress levels or soothing negative emotions of some form (Turner, 2008). Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 340). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.
  • The Role of Stress [in Self Control] Evidence suggests that stress tends to favour the short-term hedonic system since the long-term restraint system becomes depleted (Hofmann et al., 2009). Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 222). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.
  • Sexually addicted people commonly suffer simultaneously from disorders such as anxiety and depression (Kafka, 2000). For some, these conditions trigger increased sexual interest (Bancroft and Vukadinovic, 2004). Negative emotions are commonly experienced prior to acquisition of the addiction or in parallel or both. In these terms, consider the description ‘compulsive sexual behaviour as mediated by anxiety reduction, rather than by sexual desire per se’ (Leiblum and Rosen, 2000, p. 471). This appears to be a false dichotomy: in incentive terms, the strength of sexual desire is maintained in part by any associated anxiety reduction. p. 338.

• Tabibnia, G., & Radecki, D. (2018). Resilience training that can change the brain. In Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research (Vol. 70, Issue 1, pp. 59–88). Educational Publishing Foundation. https://doi.org/10.1037/cpb0000110
• At the same time, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex located behind the left eye shuts down entirely. This is the part of the brain that plays a central role in judgment and self-control. The effect explains why people often describe an orgasm as a state where "nothing else matters." https://www.verywellhealth.com/male-orgasm-information-2329076

Jewish Interventions

"Jewish teachings can also provide valuable insight that may help to supplant the specific negative assumptions themselves that often lie at the root of these pernicious cognitive distortions. For example, the belief that God plays an active role in one’s daily affairs through Divine Providence ( hashgacha) and ultimately has one’s best interest in mind lies at the root of the Jewish faith (bitachon) can effectively countervail these and other distorted cognitions. In fact, classic Jewish thought itself espouses that trust in God can protect against feelings of worry and depression and enables an individual to maintain a sense of peace (Ibn Pekuda, Duties of the Heart)." Rosmarin (2016) Integrating Judaism into CBT, see also exercises in appendix. See also https://increaseyourtrustingod.com/.

• Increase Bitachon (see also exercises here). Give list of resources (seforim, hotlines, ideas, marei mekomos?)
• Learn about Hasgacha Protis
• Reference: SI-CBT (Spiritually Integrated CBT) or Religiously-integrated CBT (RCBT).

Standard response by @editor:

Stress is often an underlying factor, and in those cases it's worthwhile to invest in learning how to cope with stress.

A very good new solution is ACT Therapy, and there's an online course for it at https://www.lifeafterpornography.com.  

Another option is join a SMART Recovery group, there is a live group in Lakewood and there's also a phone conference every Sunday.

There also lighter options, for example working on your Bitachon in Hashem (there's a great new evidence based way to increase Bitachon - find out more https://increaseyourtrustingod.com) and doing more physical exercise.

What do you think would work for you?

Torah Sources

• חיד"א פני דוד עה"פ זאת הפעם עצם מעצמי שכאשר האדם מצוי בעצבות הסט"א מתלבשת בו ויש לה כח להחטיאו בפגם הברית.
  • See also Das, 2007, that less happy people are more likely to masturbate.
• מאור ושמש פרשת בהעלותך על עצבות ומרה שחורה כו'.
• “Bittersweet” - Climbing Out of Depression (This is genius. Turn atzvus into merirus. based on Tanya - embrace the negative emotions and and harness the energy as a means of bettering my situation.)

Further Reading

• The Mindfulness Toolbox: 50 Practical Tips, Tools & Handouts for Anxiety, Depression, Stress & Pain
• https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Panic-Stations/Panic-Stations---07---Evaluation-and-Balanced-Thinking.pdf

How important are feeling? From GYE Members

#acceptance

Could DEALING with my EMOTIONS CORRECTLY be the ...much sought after relief from lust?

Here is a thought. My lust comes directly from my inability to cope with my difficult feelings. so I use lust (or whatever your favorite distraction is) to distract myself from my feelings.

So here is the solution. By applying the 12 steps to my Feelings, I can accept them for what they are i.e. A 'negative' feeling is something given to me by a higher power that I have no power or control over to change. I leave changing the way I feel to my HP who either will or will not change the way I feel. But through applying the 12 steps to my feelings I can now just sit with my 'negative' 'bad' feelings and not have to distract myself with lust (or whatever your favorite distraction is).

For me, lust was not the problem, it was the SOLUTION! (Something I learned from R' Shais Taub). Even if I would somehow be able eliminate lusting so that I would lust no longer - I would just as quickly turn to something else to sooth my feelings. So for me getting rid of lust is not the (complete) solution. I apply the 12 steps to my emotions so that I can live a life of Serenity and thereby not feel the need so sooth/distract/squash my emotions by turning to lust.

Furthermore, in my experience lust is an emotion just like any other, I can feel angry, I can feel sad, I can feel delighted and I can feel lustful. i.e. lust is just one of the difficult/unwanted emotions that I have to contend with. And just like I would apply the 12 steps to any emotion by surrendering it to my Higher Power I need to surrender the feeling of lust to my Higher Power. The problem is that by treating my lust as something separate, I was ignoring what was actually causing the lust to come in the first place (and missing out on finding more serenity in my life as a whole).

#HashemHelpMe

In my situation, the frequent masturbation was (an unsuccessful) attempt to escape dealing with emotions. Doing it so often caused me then to get depressed. Being that I could not deal with that feeling, I started doing it multiple times a day.

Secondly, much of what we call lust started as innocent curiosity. Nobody taught me what was assur, so I got hooked before knowing that it was so terrible.

At the same time, realize that there are many forum entries from people who seem to have been lust driven from quite young ages without any real emotional baggage.[1]

[Call someone. Don't be so macho].

#Shlomo24

Not for me. The core reason for my lust addiction is my lust addiction. I have a physical addiction to the dopamine rush that comes in when I take in lust. I will not stop until I get the serotonin overload that I crave. The serotonin sensors will be more and more dulled as I overload them and I will need a bigger thrill each time in order to satisfy myself.

Dealing with my emotions is integral to my recovery, but the main way I deal with them is I accept them and let them go. Feelings are overrated. I'm more focused on how I am doing rather than how I am feeling.

Will dealing with my emotions stop me from lusting and will it give me sobriety? No. I need to deal with the lust head on.