Progressive Tools for Breaking Free

STOP

The tools of this handbook are not designed to motivate us to stop - we have done that a thousand times already. Deep inside there’s nothing we want more than to stop. Rather, the tools here are designed to help us STAY STOPPED. Therefore, tool 1 is to just make a decision to STOP just for today. The past is gone, and the future is not in our hands.

As long as we are still actively feeding the addiction, our brains are like on drugs and we cannot think straight. As one long-time GYE member wrote:

I want to share with you a hard-earned truth, which I fought and struggled for months to reach: In order to fully absorb the lessons taught in the 'GYE Handbook’ (or the 12-Step program), you have to be sober for a few days. Why? Because when one's head is absorbed in the insanity, no matter how much the person might want to be clean, the filth is still tugging and affecting their perceptions. This is not just my own opinion, it is written straight out in the 12-step program; i.e. that it is advisable to be sober for at least a few days before starting the program. And after trying both ways, clean and not clean, I GUARANTEE that no recovery program can be effective unless you are clean. It's not enough to want to diet if you're still eating chocolate cake. Your mind will NOT accept fully what it needs to accept while under the direct influence of the insanity.

But deciding to stop does not mean that we won’t ever fall again or that we’ll succeed in staying stopped forever on our first try. However, it does mean that we are committed to trying, by being open minded to internalizing the principles and tools discussed in this handbook which have helped hundreds, if not thousands, break free.

Often we thought that if we would only feed the lust a little bit more and give it what it really wants, it would leave us alone. But it is exactly the opposite. Our sages have said: "There is a small organ in a man, if one feeds it - it is hungry, if one starves it - it is satiated". Although it is hard to stop and we may likely even experience withdrawal symptoms for a while, the more we successfully stay stopped in the short term, the easier it will get in the long term. Knowing this Yesod can make a huge difference.

We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this 12-Step saying in mind: "Just once is too much, and a thousand times is never enough."

The Steipler Gaon points out in the first volume of Krayna D'igrisah that anyone who keeps away from these forbidden pleasures is promised to receive the pleasures of life from other areas instead. And it follows that those who accept upon themselves the suffering that breaking-free entails, will save themselves much suffering in other areas of life.

Once we have decided we want to STOP, just for today, we are ready to read the rest of this handbook to learn the many tools, tips and techniques that can help us STAY STOPPED.

Attitude and Perspective

Having the proper perspective and attitude on this struggle can make all the difference. Often people write to us saying that had they only known the proper perspective and attitude guidelines that we discuss on our network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into the addiction in the first place!

Part 2 of this handbook is a collection of what we in the GYE community feel are some of the most important "Attitude" principles in this struggle. These are only suggestions of what worked for us. This handbook is a work-in-progress and we would be happy to hear from you what “attitude & perspective” ideas you think are important as well (contact us through the website).

We highly recommend reading these principles in the initial stages of your journey because they can be a cornerstone tool in our struggle. Not only can the proper perspective help us make solid progress, but often, various misconceptions that we had about the struggle contribute to the underlying reasons that we act out in the first place. For example, one bochur who was making an initial push for purity contacted us after a few days and wrote:

The initial enthusiasm has kind of worn off and my Yetzer Hara keeps telling me that it's not so bad. I can't keep up the spiritual enthusiasm for very long, and I don't see how I can possibly hold out much longer.

We sent him some of the sections from Part 2 of this handbook and the next day he wrote back:

Thanks so much! It helped tremendously! It makes me see this whole process in a completely different light. Instead on focusing on how depressing the struggle can be, I should be happy that I am "zoche" to have been given the opportunity for such great spiritual growth. Also, as you mentioned, it is likely that this is part of my main mission in this world. And not everyone is so lucky to know what his personal Avoda is! And the fact that every little bit counts even if we end up falling, and also that we shouldn't focus on staying clean forever but rather only "one day at a time". I must say, that for the first time in years I feel there's real hope and I am actually looking forward to change!

This is just one example of how a simple change in attitudes can make a big difference.

Therefore, it is vital that the proper perspective accompany us on our journey to recovery, from day one and throughout all the practical steps we take. With the proper attitude, we can succeed in learning to control the addiction in a much shorter time frame, and with far less extreme steps.

The “Attitude Section” of this handbook is divided into two parts. Part A brings attitude principles that apply to anyone who struggles in these areas, even if they don’t yet have an “addiction”. These are important principles for adolescents to read when their hormones kick in and the struggle becomes an increasingly dominant force in their lives. They are also important reading for any adult who feels overwhelmed by the struggle, at times. The principles of Part B are geared towards people who have tried to stop these behaviors and find that they keep falling back into them, i.e. for addiction levels. The principles in Part B address the nature of addiction and how dealing with it often necessitates real inner change.

Aside from the many important principles presented in the “Attitude Section” of this handbook, we can sign up and receive the daily Chizuk e-mails at www.guardyoureyes.org to continue learning and refining our perspective on this struggle every day. By reading the chizuk e-mails daily, we will quickly be swept up by the spirit of the Guard Your Eyes community and rapidly internalize many of the guidelines that will help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle throughout our journey.

Guarding the Eyes

It is not for nothing that our network is called "Guard Your Eyes". Aside from having the proper attitude in this struggle - as discussed above, the most obvious practical step to conquering lust addiction is learning to guard our eyes. This is the cornerstone of breaking free, and it's obvious why: We can't lust for that which we don't see. When we guard our eyes, it's like we are avoiding the wrestling rink where the mighty Yetzer Hara is waiting to beat us up. If we simply don't enter the rink, he can't touch us!

Conversely, it is impossible to even begin to heal from lust addiction if we continue to be bombarded with triggers at every turn. As lust addicts, our minds have become accustomed to lusting. We can not gaze at stimulating imagery and expect not to be triggered. We cannot have it all within hands reach and expect to be strong enough to stay away. We have grown addicted to the chemical rush in our mind that the lust brings on, much in the same way that an alcoholic craves his bottle. Therefore, if we are to break the addictive cycle, we must first keep lust at a distance to be able to begin our journey to recovery.

And one of the first things that this entails is installing a strong Internet filter.

Internet Filters

The GYE website has an entire division dedicated to helping people with filters. See www.Venishmartem.com. Filters range from "server" to "client" based, free or commercial, Jewish or non-Jewish. There is something there to meet anyone's needs. On our website, we can also learn about how the different types of filters work and what the terms mean, such as "server based", "client based", "white- list", "blacklist" etc...

If we must have completely open Internet access for our work, we can still download accountability software, where e-mail reports are sent to a partner who will see all the questionable pages that we may have browsed. Please see www.webchaver.org. Even if we have a filter installed, it is important to have accountability software. When lust attacks, an addict can usually find a way around his filter, but if he knows that his partner will see all the sites he is trying to access, it will be a far stronger deterrent.

If our Internet filter does not block all questionable sites, we must carefully consider our motivation for every site we visit. We must begin to recognize the sly voice of our addiction. If it's a news site, we need to consider why we want to read certain articles. If it's because the site or article discusses inappropriate topics (fashion, celebrities, or "news items" relating to immoral behavior), or even if it might discuss them and the Yetzer Hara (read: addiction) wants us to find out for sure, then we must learn to hold back and not click on the links. In general, it is important to limit the number of sites we visit to a small list and question any time we feel the need to visit a site that is not on the list.

In healing from this addiction, we need to learn to be very honest with ourselves. If we find that we can't control our surfing habits, we need to admit it and make stronger fences, such as limiting our time online, making concise lists of sites we allow ourselves to visit, getting better filters/accountability software or setting the current filter's settings to a higher protection level.

We highly suggest getting solid Internet filters that block any questionable sites. The best type of filters are Jewish server-based filters like Jnet, Koshernet, Yeshivanet and Internet Rimon (in Israel). And of course, the best level of protection is "White-list", which means that all sites are blocked except for specific sites that we can ask the company to open for us (or sites that the company has already checked and white-listed). If the "white-list" option is impossible for us to have due to Parnassa requirements, the filter should at least be set to the highest protection setting that we can afford to use, even if that means less entertainment.

It is important to realize though, that the goal of the filter is only to keep it "out of sight and out of mind". It is not going to remove the possibility of accessing indecent material altogether. If a person is determined enough, they will often be able to find ways to bypass filters, and even if not, they will always be able to find many other venues to access inappropriate material. Ultimately, the change must come from within, with a sincere desire to stop lusting. (See Part 2 of this handbook for more on how to achieve this sincerity).

The filter acts mainly as a "heker" (a reminder), similar in a sense to what our Sages tell us about Palti ben Layish (to whom Shaul Hamelech gave over David's wife). Palti was alone every evening with Michal (who Chazal tell us was one of the most beautiful women) and yet he never stumbled because of a sword that he placed between the two of them, saying that whoever bypasses this sword should be run through by it. The filter is like our sword, it is our "heker". But it will not stop us completely unless we want it to. However, since it can take a long time until we learn to genuinely give up our lust to Hashem, we must have a strong filter at all times. For if we don't get it out of reach, we won't be able to stop the vicious cycle of addiction and begin the healing process.

Another great way to make sure we guard our eyes online is to place the computer in a highly visible area of the house, such as the living room, and to also make sure never to use the Internet when alone in the house.

In any event, it is best for us - if possible - to avoid all non-Jewish or secular news and entertainment sites (and the like). See the "Kosher Isle" on our website for lists of Kosher news and entertainment sites that can provide us with more than our ‘daily dosage’ of news and distractions.

Guarding our eyes outside

As addicts to lust, we must be extra careful about where we go. It is best to refrain from frequenting malls and other such public places where we know that we will have difficulty guarding our eyes. If we must be in such places, we can try to spend as little time there as possible, and perhaps even remove our glasses if we have bad eye-sight. Otherwise, we can try wearing sunglasses covered inside with non-see through lamination, or color the inside of a special pair of glasses with a black magic marker, leaving only a small hole to peer through (the Steipler Gaon gave someone this idea). For those who need to take public transportation to work, bringing a sefer along or an MP3 player with shiurim to listen to while keeping one’s eyes closed has been known to help. Even weddings, Simchos and family gatherings can be problematic for us, and we can try to prepare ourselves mentally beforehand. We can resolve to remain in the non-mixed areas as much as possible, or try to find a seat facing in a direction opposite from any possible triggers.

If we will have to be in an area where we know there will be a struggle, we can try to offer a short prayer before leaving the house: "Please Hashem, help me not to take any second looks". And if we find that we do stumble and take a second look, we can quickly offer another short prayer and say, "Hashem, I surrender my lust to you! Please take it away from me".

Guarding our eyes off-line

If we are serious about breaking free of lust addiction, we need to try to refrain from watching TV, movies and reading secular magazines and newspapers as much as possible, since all of them are full of promiscuity. Even the most innocent-sounding children's movies today are filled with imagery which can be very triggering for a lust addict and we must therefore try to avoid them as much as we can.

Let's talk about movies, for example. Movies are one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a proper healing from lust addiction, because often we find them very hard to give up. They serve as a source of entertainment for millions of people around the world, and they are often a welcome distraction from the difficult realities of life. But movies are filled to the brim with triggers to lust. And even if one is successful to find a movie with absolutely no provocatively dressed women or kissing scenes in them (almost impossible today), will there still not even be any attractive female actors in the movie at all? If we are trying to guard our eyes in the street - and we must be; how can we allow ourselves to stare at attractive women in a movie for about 2 hours straight? As lust addicts, most of us simply cannot look at attractive women - even modestly dressed - and not think or feel any undercurrent of lust. The nature of the addiction has taken this ability away from us. And we must admit this truth to ourselves; as long as we are lusting - we are still feeding the addiction.

Therefore in the GYE community, we know that if we are truly serious about breaking free from the poison of lust, we must let this be our sacrifice for Hashem's glory and give up non-Jewish movies for good. And surely this will be considered a most precious sacrifice in Hashem's eyes, a sacrifice brought on the altar of our hearts!

The cornerstone

It is important to realize that guarding the eyes is not just "Tool 3", but rather it's the cornerstone of all the tools. Without guarding our eyes, we continue to lust and feed the addiction, and no matter what other steps we may take, we are still acting like an alcoholic who takes small sips of whiskey to get his high. We have to learn to let go of lust and not allow ourselves to have that "first drink". There is no "drinking like a gentleman" for an alcoholic, and neither is there for us. Once we taste it a little, we are easily drawn back in and will often lose control.

Although we present this tool in the very beginning, guarding our eyes applies throughout all the tools. Even those who are more seriously addicted and are working already with the advanced tools of this Handbook will still need to guard their eyes. True "lust addicts" do not have control in this area. No matter how many years they manage to stay clean and no matter what steps they may have taken, if they are faced head-on with lust, they will feel powerless. We have an “allergy” to lust, and as the saying goes: "Once an addict, always an addict". As scary as this may seem, it really is not so bad. People who have a deficiency of iron in their body, even if it's a chronic condition, can still lead perfectly normal lives as long as they take their daily iron pill.

With the 12 Steps (Tool 15-16 below) we learn how to admit powerlessness and surrender our lust to Hashem. By following the steps of this Handbook, we can learn to keep the addiction completely in check, and lead happy and fulfilling lives. But we must never let our guard down. The number one symptom of this disease is that when we are faced head-on with lust, we cannot help lusting. And that is why the very first practical tool in recovering from lust addiction is to guard our eyes and avoid lust as much as possible.

It's a Process

As we discussed, guarding our eyes is the starting point, middle point, and the final frontier of this struggle. Even when we have already learned to control the more seriously damaging addictive behaviors, we may still find that it takes us yet another few years to learn how to fully surrender our lusting to Hashem and gain complete control over our eyes. So don't get discouraged if you break free of the inappropriate behaviors but still find it difficult to guard your eyes on the street. It is a process. But if we stay determined to get our lives and priorities back on track, we will see progress in this area, slowly but surely. And we must progress. Staying in the same place keeps us vulnerable to relapse, and if we don't try to move forward a little every day in learning how to guard our eyes, we will remain susceptible to being drawn back into the harmful addictive behaviors as well.

The MeKaDeSH Method

There are four important ingredients to being successful with Shmiras Ainayim for the long term. The word MeKaDeSH is an acronym for the following:

(1) Machlit / Make a decision. (2) Knas (3) Daven (4) SHmirah. If any one of these ingredients are missing, we will likely continue to experience ups and downs in our struggle. Let us briefly discuss these four components:

1. Machlit / Make a Decision: Shmiras Ainayim will be a constant battle as long as we don't fully accept how harmful it is for us. We all know deep down that even if we would get all our desires, the pleasure would last only a short moment and leave us feeling empty afterwards. We know from past personal experience and from so many other people's experiences that lusting brings only emptiness and pain. The more we feed it, the more it wants. It is never satisfied, and fulfilling our desires just leaves us with a void that demands to be filled again. Lusting takes us away from all the good that Hashem has in store for us. It severs our relationship with our Creator, with our wives and children, and even our relationship with ourselves. Although we are pulled to lust when feeling stressed or down, there is a very true saying (from SA): "No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won't make it even worse". When we realize all this and come to the conclusion that lust is really poison for us, we are finally able to make a strong decision in our minds that we really don’t want it. This is a vital ingredient to being able to hold on to our success in Shmiras Ainayim for the long term.

2. Knas: The struggle with Shmiras Ainayim is so difficult and slippery (especially for those who have become addicted to lust related behaviors) that making strong decisions are generally not enough on their own for long-term success. Over time, our inspiration fades and we start lusting again because we feel we can get away with it. To really get past this stumbling block, we have to get TOUGH with ourselves, as the Pasuk says: “For with a strong hand, He took us out of Mitzrayim”. It takes a strong hand to break free of this Mitzrayim, and this can be accomplished by making for ourselves knasos.

We can try to accept upon ourselves - or make a vow (not forever, just for "x" amount of days or weeks, at first) that every time we take a second look at something triggering, we will (either):

• give ourselves a pinch that hurts,
• wear a rubber-band and snap it against our skin,
• give $1 to tzedaka,
• give our eyes a "time out" by closing them for 6 seconds.

Study also the TaPHSiC method below (Tool #10) to learn ways of making stronger knasos for ourselves when it comes to preventing even more addictive behaviors.

3. Daven: With all our efforts, only Hashem can really help us at the end of the day. As Chazal say: "The Yetzer hara tries to kill a person each day, and if Hashem wouldn't help him, he could not overcome him. We have to recognize this truth and constantly whisper teffilos to Hashem for help. The Steipler writes regarding these tests, that some people need to daven 50 times a day to be protected.

4. SHmirah: Even with a strong decision, knasos, and with davening, we can’t expect to succeed in Shmiras Ainayim if we are surrounded by triggers. Our efforts can only bear fruit for the long term if we put up strong shmiros for ourselves. As discussed above, this entails avoiding triggering areas, installing internet filters and accountability software, and staying away from triggering media like TV, Movies, Magazines, Newspapers.

More Guard Your Eyes Tips

There is a saying: “The first look is on G-d, the second one is on us". In other words, we can't help if we saw something triggering in the street unintentionally. But if we take a second look, we are feeding our addiction. Here are some GYE training tips that might help us get started in learning to guard our eyes on the street.

The "Three-Second Rule”

If we see something inappropriate (on the first look), we can implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that we're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close our eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, G-d willing, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage.

This is crucial, because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid the first slip").

Many times we feel, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes us feel guilty when we’ve done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to further slips and falls. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are we expected to look away.

Small Goals

Make very small goals at first. For example, we can accept upon ourselves that for the walk from home to shul and back, no matter what, we will absolutely not look anywhere besides at the ground. It may be difficult at first, but after a few times of doing this we will hopefully be able to increase our goals.

Developing the proper attitude towards Shmiras Einayim:

a) We need to tell ourselves that no matter how painful it feels not to look, it will always be even more painful to look. Because when we look, there are two acute pains we feel:

• We feel suddenly far from Hashem and from our goals.
• We know we can't have it anyway, and when we look - we desire it and it HURTS.

So essentially, the pain we feel when not looking is much better than the pain of looking! And as they say in the 12-Step literature, “No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won’t make it worse”.

b) The pain we feel when not looking is HEALING pain, like the pain from surgery. The pain is healing us. On the other hand, the spiritual pain of looking is the pain of the disease getting worse. Which pain do we choose?

c) The pain we feel when not looking is not really our pain at all. It is the pain of the Yetzer Hara in his "death throes". He is screaming that we are hitting him hard. So we can actually enjoy the pain! We are feeling the pain of our enemy as he gets weaker!

d) The whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in our minds. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". We are left shaking our head and not believing that for this we sell our very souls.

e) Let us also reflect for a moment. If we were blind, chas veshalom, we wouldn't struggle with lust. If we didn't have this amazing gift of sight that Hashem gave us, would we be able to lust through our eyes? Scientists tell us that the human mind makes billions of calculations per second when processing information from the countless nerve endings that connect our eyes to our brains. How can we take this amazing gift and use it against Hashem's will?

Letting Go of Lust

The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we will have endless opportunities to continue lusting at every turn. We will be fighting a losing battle of Shemiras Ainayim by constantly trying not to look at things that we do want to look at so badly. Instead, the real trick to success is to learn how to let go of the lusting altogether. Instead of fighting it head-on, we need to simply let go of it.

As someone who is working the 12 Steps once wrote:

"Today, the fight is much easier for me. When I have urges, I admit powerlessness, acknowledge that Hashem is the only One that can - and will

- help me, and I ask Hashem to remove the lust from me. I am frankly surprised by how much better this works than fighting the urges head on".

Another important step in letting go of lust, is learning how to deal with obsessive lustful thoughts and fantasies. See principle #11 of Part 2 below, for some great tips and techniques on how to let go of lust and fantasies in our minds.

Get daily chizuk on "Guarding Our Eyes"

To receive daily chizuk on Shmiras Einayim, sign up to the Shmiras Einayim Chizuk e-mail list on our website.

The eyes are the windows to our souls and must be guarded diligently if we are to make real spiritual progress. We can download a free e-Book called "Windows of the Soul" by the Salant foundation from our website. This book, which can be purchased in hard copy as well, provides a 30-day Chizuk program to help us learn how to guard our eyes properly.The GYE network also has a daily phone conference on Shmiras Einayim (for non-addicts as well) where we can join together with a group of other Yidden by phone to get Chizuk and learn techniques on how to guard our eyes in today’s difficult environment.

Daily Chizuk

To succeed in this struggle, it is important for us to get fresh perspective and Chizuk each day. Chazal say that the Yetzer Hara renews his attack on us every day. He plays real nasty, and will use every trick in the book (and not in the book) to get us to fall. To counter this, we need new Chizuk and tips all the time. There is so much material on our website, but it's often overwhelming and not practically within reach when we need it most. Our network provides daily Chizuk e-mails with antidotes, tips, articles, and quotes from our sages, therapists, and fellow strugglers, to help us break free of this addiction. We have thousands of members signed up already, and many people feel it is literally their lifeline.

So sign up today and make sure to read each day's Chizuk e-mail. The Yetzer Hara will do his best to get us to ignore the e-mails after a while, but if we are determined to break free - we must make sure to read and internalize their messages every day. Like drops of water on Rabbi Akiva's rock, a little Chizuk each day can make a very strong impression over time.

The GYE Forum is also a great source of daily Chizuk. Hundreds of members post daily about their struggles and successes, and they share Chizuk, inspiration and hope between each other. For many, the forum is literally a lifeline of daily Chizuk; keeping strong as a community.

Our website has many different categories, such as Tips, Stories, Personal Victories, Quotes, Testimonials, Torah Thoughts and more. With all this great content we can learn new things and get stronger all the time!

We can read the Recovery Stories on our site and see how we are not alone. We will read how others - even worse off than us - were able to break free, and we will be inspired to follow their example!

We can use the Tips section on the site to get new ideas all the time of how to succeed, and we can browse through the hundreds of previous chizuk e-mails to help us continue refining our perspective on this struggle.

We can read through the Q&A category where we will likely find answers to many questions that bothered us, or simply to get some good perspective on a host of issues relating to this addiction.

When feeling bored or vulnerable, we can check out the Kosher Isle of our network, for Kosher entertainment sites, activity ideas, and lots of Torah audio and video shiurim.

Breaking an addiction is a little like "mind surgery", and in the same way that no one can become a good "neurosurgeon" without huge amounts of studying, we must also be ready to "study" well to succeed in this battle for our souls.

But let's not try to bite too much at once. It is better to read less (and consistently) and internalize what we are reading, than to read tons of material all at once and quickly forget it. We need to find a balance that works best for us, where we read a few articles or tips every day; just enough for us to be able to swallow, digest and feel a little stronger today. The Chizuk e-mails are often a perfect “daily dose” in this regard.

Alternate Fulfillment

We frequently focus on breaking the addiction by avoiding triggers and running away from the Yetzer Hara. But often the best way to deal with an addiction, is to remove the underlying "needs" that the addiction is trying to fill by proactively engaging in alternative fulfilling pursuits.

More often than not, an addiction is a psychological escape that we learned to use as a way to flee from the realities of life. If we can manage, in the early stages of the addiction, to keep ourselves occupied with healthy and fulfilling activities that we enjoy, and find more meaning in our lives, the addiction will often fade away of its own accord. Fulfillment often comes from finding realistic challenges and reaching the goals that we set for ourselves.

We should try to find new jobs or projects that will enable us to express our creativity, find enjoyment, and reconnect with life and the world around us. This will help fill the "void" that we were subconsciously trying to satisfy with unhealthy pleasure seeking. Some ideas can be found in our "Kosher Isle" (and especially in "Kosher Activities" section).

"False" fulfillment causes us to close up into ourselves and slowly destroys our lives and our souls. True fulfillment, on the other hand, helps us open up to the world around us and reconnect with our souls. Every Jew has a “G-d Hole”, a place inside them that feels empty if not filled with G-d. Often, we subconsciously try to fill that feeling of emptiness with lusting. The best way to fill the ‘G-d Hole’ and achieve fulfillment and joy obviously comes from a true connection with Hashem. As the Pasuk says: “Tamu U’re’u Ki Tov Hashem – Taste and see that Hashem is good”, and “Ve’hisaneg al Hashem – Find Pleasure in Hashem”. This can be built up by adding Kedusha to our lives, seeking a deeper connection with Yiddishkeit in general, and through learning Torah with enjoyment. Torah is like water, and we can't put out a fire without water, even if we know it burns. We can try to hook up with a new chavrusah or add a shiur to our daily/weekly schedules. See the Torah section of our Kosher Isle for more ideas on how to add Torah to our lives, and for links to many great websites of Torah audio and video shiurim.

We can also seek “oneg” (pleasure) in Mitzvos like Shabbos and Yom-Tov, through singing zemiros and spending quality time with our children. These things are also included in “Ve’hisaneg al Hashem” because oneg that is connected to Mitzvos has a kiyum (lasts). Yes, even good food on Shabbos can be a spiritual experience, as opposed to forbidden pleasures which leave us feeling empty inside (and that’s why we want it again so soon afterward).

Other ideas to help us start living "outside of ourselves" and feel more fulfillment in general, could include Chesed projects or involvement in the community in various ways. If you are a Bochur in Yeshiva, you might try and get the job of organizing the Otzar Haseforim, running a canteen, providing dry cleaning services, haircuts, etc... If you are not learning and also unemployed, try to find a job! The main thing is to keep busy, reconnect to the world around us and find fulfillment in a variety of ways that will counteract the "false fulfillment" that the addiction tries to provide us with.

Rav Wolbe Zatza”l in his Sefer “Psychiatry and Religion” (Pg. 82) suggests cultivating a combination of religious and social fulfillment to help our youth beat this challenge. He writes:

The difficult phase of adolescence is fertile soil for feelings of guilt, especially for religious youth. Masturbation is a serious prohibition. Yet almost all youth stumble in this and are unable to find the strength to overcome this in any way. The result is feelings of guilt. This is where wise guidance from Rabbanim and Mechnchim becomes so necessary. As is known, a Rav is not licensed to “forgive sins” and surely not to permit the forbidden. However, he can guide, calm and bring the youth to acceptance of himself. And together with that, to cultivate an intensive social life and help bring the youth into the vast wealth of Torah, which can arouse in him a deep thirst to acquire and grow in Torah. As our sages have said, “Torah is good with Derech Eretz, for the toil in both makes sins be forgotten”. In other words, the toil in Torah together with the toil of cultivating a thriving social life, brings to a situation where, over time, one forgets to sin. Instead of a constant battle, which is hopeless, through the positive hard work in Torah and a social life, slowly but surely, the youth will recover from masturbation. This is the conventional path of Chinuch that is accepted today. Yes, Torah life needs intensive chinuch. Without chinuch, there is no escape from youth sinking into feelings of guilt and despair.

Physical Activity

When we talk about recovery and emotional health, our physical body is a critical factor in the equation. Getting enough sleep, good nutrition and especially exercise, add a whole lot more to our "spiritual centeredness and emotional well being" than most people give it credit for. As the Pasuk says, "Venishmartem Me'od Li’nafshoseichem - and you shall vigilantly guard your wellbeing".

Often our addiction is fed by underlying emotional imbalances. If we are depressed, anxious or stressed, then as addicts, we will escape to our "drug of choice" - lust. Physical activity and exercise can be very beneficial in easing anxiety, stress and depression, which scientists tell us is often produced by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Exercise not only impacts endorphins (our feel-good hormones), but it also increases levels of serotonin and dopamine, creating more balance. This produces the famous "runner’s high," decreases anxiety, and provides an overall feeling of calmness.

We've all heard of the famous "12-Step" program for beating addictions. Exercise has been called by some experts "the 13th step". At all levels of the struggle/addiction, it is very beneficial to engage in exercise and physical activities on a regular basis, at least a few times a week. Experience has shown that a consistent exercise regimen can be very helpful in combating addictive behaviors, and especially in dealing with the irritability and stress that are common withdrawal symptoms.

Exercising every day has been proven to positively impact an addict in many other ways as well. For example, in active addiction we can easily lose structure and meaning in our days. Regular exercise fills time and keeps the mind busy. It has been shown to boost self-esteem and self-confidence. We will also find that the self-discipline required and learned through regular exercise spills over into other areas of our life and will help us change our bad-habits. Exercise positively affects sleep, cognitive function and reduces cravings. It improves the mind-body connection and reduces symptoms of illnesses and disease. Exercise provides a healthy release for our frustrations, disappointments, anger, and negative energy, and makes us feel happier overall. People who exercise are more optimistic and happy than those who lead sedentary lifestyles. Research also suggests that burning off 350 calories three times a week through sustained, sweat-inducing activity can in many cases reduce symptoms of depression just as effectively as antidepressants.

Any form of exercise can help us boost our immunity to addictive tendencies, whether it's running, biking, walking or working out in a gym (make sure it’s a kosher gym, or it can turn out to be more detrimental than beneficial to us).

Often we convince ourselves that we are too tired, or that we don't have the energy to make a commitment to start exercising regularly. The only way to overcome this mindset is through action. Start moving your body and let the details get worked out later. We may not feel like walking or jogging, but if we force ourselves to get out the door and hit the pavement, before we know it we'll be back home, breathing hard and feeling invigorated. In other words, we're not going to feel great some day and decide to go jogging or walking - it's the other way around. We have to get out there and do it, despite how we may feel, and then we will be able to look back and see how our new routine has energized our lives and made it easier for us to stay clean.

Making Fences

The addiction is more powerful than us, and if we try to fight it head on we will almost always lose. Once we are standing at the edge of the cliff, we are very vulnerable to falling off of it. Instead, we must stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as possible. Therefore, one of the most powerful tools in this struggle is making good fences.

One great way to make "a fence" is to create a list of things that we will do before allowing ourselves to fall. The list can be made up of various items, such as "call mother", say a Kappitel Tehilim, take a 20 minute walk, etc... Just pulling out the list and looking at it may already be enough to dissuade us from acting out!

Vows

In order to ensure that our fences are strong, we can use a very powerful tool called Shvuos or vows. Normally making vows is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from this temptation, we find that making vows is praised by the Torah and by Chazal, as the Mishna says in Pirkei Avos: “Nedarim siyag la’prishus – Nedarim are a fence for abstinence”. And as the Pasuk says, "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor Mishpatei Tzidkecha - I have vowed and will uphold it, to guard your righteous laws". And also it says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - oseh eileh lo yimot le'olam - He who swears to prevent bad and does not nullify... he will never falter". And Chaza"l also say that Bo'az swore to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker - In the name of G-d, lay here until morning". (See also the Ohr Hachayim in the beginning of Parshas Matos where he claims it is a Mitzva to make Shvuos regarding fences of Arayos).

However, as important and helpful as vows can be in fighting addiction, they are also spiritually dangerous. The addiction is very often more powerful than vows. Therefore, it is vital that we learn how to make vows in a way that will work and be spiritually safe. Instead of fighting the addiction head-on through the vows, we can make vows that will help us "walk around" the addiction. Do not make a make vow that you will not act-out or look at inappropriate material. Many addicts have tried this and failed miserably, because when under a lust attack it is very hard for our yiras shamayim to stop us. Rather, we can make a vow (for just a week at first) that before we give in, we will first have to do a list of things. For example:

I swear - for one week - that before I am motzi zera livatala I will do two things:

(1) call a friend or family member and shmuz for at least 5 minutes and (2) take a 15 minute walk.

Alternatively, we can make a vow that if we give in we will have to do something

after we fall, for example:

• go to the Mikva
• take a half hour walk
• give a donation to Tzedaka.
• do 100 pushups

Here are examples of two vows that we helped someone set up. After making these Shvuos he testified that he felt a new freedom in his life!

1) I swear for one month that if I am intentionally motzi zera livatala while fully awake, or if I intentionally obtain adult sexual material of any sort, digital or printed (i.e. DVDs or Magazines), or if I intentionally go to - or search for - any websites or web pages, pictures, videos, chats or forums, for the purpose of viewing adult sexual content or messages or facilitations of sexual encounters, or if I initiate contact with - or respond positively to - any woman other than my wife for a sexually related purpose, or if I partake of any illicit sexually oriented services of any kind, then I will donate $500 to GYE and tell (a close friend) what I have done, for each day on which I do any one - or more - of these things. If I forget that I made this Shvuah and do one of these things, I will only donate $100.

2) I swear for one month that if I have any sort of sexual encounter with any person besides my wife, then I will donate $2500 to GYE from my next month's salary and I will tell (a close friend) what I have done, for each day on which I do this sin.

See the “TaPHSiC method” below in Tool #10 for an even more powerful method based on this idea.

Bein Hazmanim

Vacations and Bein Hazmanim are situations that can be bigger tests for us, since there is more free time available and less structure. Such situations may require a more detailed set of fences and safeguards than usual. We can try to draw up a "Battle Plan" in advance, to plan for some structure in our days - as much as possible. We can set specific times for particular activities, such as learning with a chavrusah or other things that can keep us busy. We can even draw up emergency plans of various activities that we can do, for times when we might start feeling bored or vulnerable, (examples might be to "read a book", "ride my bicycle", etc...)

We can also draft a special "Bein Hazmanim" list of fences in advance, to help us avoid having to fight the Yetzer Hara head-on. Some of the fences could include:

• Setting up a filter on our home computers.
• Not using the computer when alone in the room (or at least if no one is home).
• Setting ourselves time-limits on the computer (at least for non-work related activity).
•  Making a list of websites that we are allowed to visit - and not visiting any other sites (at least when alone).
• Avoiding certain triggering places that we used to "hang out" at.
• Avoiding movies.

The secret to success in this area is learning where we are vulnerable and preparing fences in advance. We all need to learn our Yetzer Hara well, as it says in Mishlei (12:10): "Yode'ah Tzadik nefesh be'hemto - The Tzadik knows the nature of his animal.”

Cutting Down

If you've tried the steps above and you still find that the addiction is controlling you and causing frequent falls, it could be helpful to apply the battle-tactic of conquering and securing one territory at a time, instead of trying to conquer everything at once.

As discussed in tool #1, our sages have said: "There is a small organ in a man, if one feeds it - it is hungry, if one starves it - it is satiated". This is a very important Yesod to keep in mind, and it shows how much our Sages understood the nature of this addiction. The more we cut down, and the more distance we put between ourselves and the addiction, the easier it gets.

We can make ourselves red lines at first, and try to cut down as much as possible. If we would act out every day until now, we can try - for starters - to cut it down to only once every two days. If it used to be twice a week, we can try cutting it down to once a week. Or we can try making a strong resolution for a period of time, that besides for - say, one particular day of the week, we will not even consider acting out, no matter what. As we do this and learn to cut down more and more, we will find that "the less we feed it, the less we need it".

This tactic also teaches us not to use the addiction as an "escape mechanism" anymore. Very often, the subconscious reason that we became addicted in the first place was that we began to use the addiction as a kind of "escape" from the harsh - or difficult-to-deal-with realities of life. We used the addiction to sooth ourselves and medicate our feelings. But once we start to draw red lines and cut down on these behaviors with hard work and determination, we force ourselves to no longer instinctively use the behaviors to "escape" into ourselves. This causes a gradual change in our thinking that ultimately makes it much easier to break free completely.

Also, as we work on progressively cutting down, we build up our virtues. In the merit of saying "no" to ourselves thousands of times, Hashem will give us special divine assistance to ultimately find real freedom from the addiction.

The Gemara says: "Habah letaher misaayen lo - He who comes to be purified, they help him", and Chazal also say: "Biderech she'adom rotzeh leilech molichin osoh - in the way a person wants to go, they lead him". Why does the Gemara speak always in plural form: "they help him", and "they lead him"? The Maharsha explains that every effort a person makes creates an angel. And when the army of angels gets large enough, it has the power to help one overcome all the obstacles and lead him to where he wants to go!

Every time we say "no" to the addiction, a priceless coin is added to our spiritual bank. Even if and when we do end up falling, we do not lose what we had previously gained. When we have enough "spiritual coins" in our account, Hashem helps us to completely break free. (See Part 2 of this handbook for more on these important principles).

However, it is important to emphasize that these tactics will only be effective if our goal is to stop completely over time, by progressively cutting down more and more. But if we allow ourselves to become complacent by simply keeping our addiction "under control", we will remain addicted to these behaviors. And as we often end up learning later the hard way, addiction is a progressive disease. It doesn’t get better, only worse.

A Leap of Faith: The 90 Day Journey

If slowly cutting down doesn't seem to do the trick, and we find after a while that it doesn't lead to a complete cessation of the addictive behaviors, we need to take a more drastic "Leap of Faith" and try to cut these behaviors out of our lives completely.

There was a recent scientific study that found it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain. It was shown that if an addict refrains from their addictive behavior for 90 days, they will find it far easier to stop the addictive thought patterns. Many similar scientific studies have shown that the more distance we put between us and the addictive behavior, the less hold it has over the neuron pathways that the addiction carved into our minds.

Members of the world-wide 12-Step groups (for overcoming addictions) are given a "red" recovery chip when they reach 90 days. We can also find the idea of 90 in Chazal. The Halacha is, that if one is not sure if he said "v'sen tal u'matar", he must repeat the Shmoneh Esrei. However after 30 days, one no longer needs to repeat Shmoneh Esrei when in doubt, because we assume that his mind has already gotten used to saying it. 30 days is 90 Shmoneh Esreis! Chazal knew that it takes 90 times of doing something to get the mind used to it. (The Hebrew letter “Tzadik” – which symbolizes a Tzadik who is morally pure, also equals 90 in Gematria).

We should be aware though, that this 90 day journey may not be easy. An addict will almost always experience withdrawal symptoms, and we may feel depressed, down and needy for stretches of time. We may occasionally find that the fight feels unbearable, to the point where we even feel a taste of "death". But these feelings never last for more that a few hours at a time. They come and go like waves. And no great feat can come without some Messiras Nefesh.

Knowing in advance that we may experience withdrawal symptoms will make it easier to deal with them when they occur. And if we believe, like so many of us have found to be true, that after 90 days we will feel much freer from the addiction, we can find the inner strength to hold out no matter what it takes! Indeed, so many people have reached 90 days already on our network, and they have experienced great subsequent success in finding freedom from their addiction.

The 90 days need to be taken “one day at a time”. We can’t eat or sleep today for tomorrow, and we can’t stay sober for tomorrow either. One addict who is already sober for 20 years likes to say, “Just for today, I won’t act-out even if my backside falls off!” (And guess what? It never did! :-).

A key motivator to making it to 90 days is to realize the painful alternative. If we keep falling, we may be struggling for the rest of our lives. On the other hand, if we make it to 90 days without any falls, although the challenge will never go away completely, it will be so much easier afterwards. Isn't it better to struggle for the next 90 days than to struggle for the next 90 years?

GYE created a 90 Day Chart system on-line, to help us track our progress. We sign up and put in our first day clean, and then we have to update our status at least once a week - otherwise our name becomes red on the chart. If we don’t update for two weeks, our name falls off the chart. As we progress through the

90 days, we advance in levels and receive “virtual rewards” and e-mails of encouragement. This system is a huge motivator and is helping many people discover that they truly can live without lust! Check out the 90 Day Chart on our website and see for yourself how many people are currently on their way to 90 days. Join the success by signing up today, or print out the 90-Day Chart to keep track of your progress off-line.

We also have a special chart called "The Wall of Hashem's Honor" for those who have already made the 90 day journey, and thank G-d it is growing all the time as well.

By using the forum for our 90 day journey – and beyond, we will get tons of chizuk and be an inspiration to everyone else in the community as well. It also helps us track our progress over time and provides a certain amount of accountability among the other warriors, whom we quickly come to view as our "spiritual family"; after all, we don't want to let them down! Also, by joining the community on the forum, we obtain the ability to strengthen others as well, which in itself is a big factor in recovery (see tool #14 below).

Extra Strong Fences: The TaPHSiC Method

To read about this tool, see Taphsic.

Accountability

The tools we have suggested up until now in this handbook, focus mainly on our own private struggle with the addiction. If we haven't been successful yet with the tools above, it is time to bring the struggle to the next level and introduce others into the picture. We won't go it alone anymore. Our own strength has proved insufficient in dealing with our addiction. We need to start exploiting strength from outside ourselves to help us succeed.

The Pasuk in Mishlei (18:1) says: "Le'taava yevakesh nifrad - Desire seeks isolation". Being isolated causes us to go after our Taavah - our lust. The addiction wants us to withdraw into ourselves and disconnect from life. A partner in this struggle can do wonders in helping us reconnect to the world around us and ultimately break free. Going into detail with someone else about what we've done, is also known to be one of the best ways to get out the shame, guilt and remorse, and move on.

In addition to the above, simply telling over our feelings and thoughts to a friend or mentor, has tremendous power to help us break the insidious power of the addiction. As the Tzetel Katan of the great Chassidic master, R' Elimelech of Lizentzk states:

One should relate before one's teacher, who instructs him in the way of HaShem, or even before a good friend, all of one's thoughts that are contrary to the Holy Torah that the Yetzer HaRah causes to arise in his mind or heart… And one should not withhold anything because of shame. He will find that by relating these things, he will gain the power to break the strength of the Yetzer HaRah so that it will no longer be able to overcome him other times. This is in addition to the good advice that he will receive from his friend in the ways of Hashem. And this is a wonderful remedy.

We see from the above, that simply relating ones struggles to a friend or mentor has the power to break the strength of the Yetzer Hara.

Aside from the fact that the very act of talking it out already lessens the struggle, the main purpose of a partner is that it introduces the vital element of "accountability" into the equation. As Rav Yochanan Ben Zakai blessed his students, "May your fear of heaven be equal to your fear of man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".

The truth of Rav Yochanan Ben Zakai's blessing is pointedly illustrated by the story of Rav Amram Raban Shel Chassidim (Kidushin 81/a) that we bring in the second part of this Handbook (principle 2). We may ask, if Rav Amram had so much Fear of Heaven that he was determined enough to call out "Fire!", why couldn't he just have stopped himself? The answer is, that Rav Amram knew that unless other human beings would be introduced into the equation, he was powerless to stop himself from the power of the lust. This amazing story shows us the immense value of "human" accountability.

Is there anyone among us who will say he is stronger than Rav Amram? We are faced with these desires every day, in the privacy of our homes and only a mouse-click away! We must have accountability to succeed in breaking the addiction. If the fact that Hashem watching him was still too "abstract" to stop Reb Amram Chasid from the power of lust, it is surely too abstract to stop us when we are faced with lust. We need someone - in the flesh - who will hear us scream "Fire!" when we feel weak, and someone we can feel accountable to.

We can try to find a close friend or a Rabbi we respect, to whom we can confide about our struggles. And even more importantly, we need to make sure to keep in touch with them about our progress and give them honest updates every few days. Obviously for this to work properly, we must remain completely honest and open with our accountability partners, at all cost. If we fall, the shame we will feel in reporting it will be atonement in itself, as well as providing a strong incentive to remain clean next time.

We can also hook up with someone else who is struggling like us and give each other Chizuk. When feeling an attack of lust, it is very helpful to call our partner and talk it out. Although this partner may occasionally experience falls himself, he can see much clearer than us right now because he is not caught up in the lust as we are. His Chizuk will often be exactly what we would have told ourselves, but because we are blinded now, we need to hear it from someone else. Also, by nullifying our own mind and accepting to do whatever our partner suggests, we will often be able to get “out of our heads” and out of our own destructive desires.

Even when not under an attack of lust, it may be helpful to be in touch with our partners on a daily basis at first, either by phone or by e-mail. As we progress, the updates can be less frequent, but they should still be at set intervals which can be decided in advance.

If our wives know about our struggle, they can be one of the best accountability partners. We will feel their pain when we are slipping even more acutely than with others, and this will be a big incentive for us to remain clean. (Although it’s never good to go into too much detail about our struggle with our wives). If our wives do not know, it may be extremely helpful in the long term for them to find out. However, this should be done only once we are taking serious steps to recover and are seeing good progress. Also, it should best be done with careful preparation and preferably in the presence of a therapist or Rabbi that can help her understand the nature of the addiction and offer guidance on how to cope. Although it is often very painful for the wife to find out about our struggles in this area, in the long term it generally does more good than damage. Aside from the strong "accountability" that this provides us with, a couple can ultimately grow much closer together when there are no secrets between them.

It is most effective if our partner or mentor is indeed someone we know. This adds an element of personal honor, which boosts the efficiency of the accountability. However, if this is not an option for us at this stage, Guard Your Eyes provides a framework to help everyone find an accountability partner or sponsor from our network. See the GYE partner program on our website. Once you are in the database, the system will help you find a partner or sponsor that matches your gender, marriage status, location and other constraints which best match your situation. You can choose whether you want to be in touch with your partner by e-mail, chat, or even by phone. Using Google Voice, you can receive an anonymous phone number to use for calling and receiving you partner’s calls. See our website for more info on GYE’s Partner/Sponsor program.

From ‘day one’ of our journey, we can already be a partner to receive and provide accountability, understanding, chizuk and hope with another struggler. However, to be a sponsor on our network, we must have at least 90 days sobriety.

If we feel inadequate or unequipped to provide others with chizuk, we can use this Handbook, (both parts 1 and 2), as a basis for great material to discuss with our partner. Alternatively, we can read and discuss the many tips on the website or material from any of the hundreds of past chizuk e-mails sent out.

Those who join 12-Step groups (discussed in later tools) will be able to find a sponsor in the group who will serve both as an accountability partner as well as a guide to help them work through the 12 steps. As one group member beautifully summed up the power of accountability and of having others help us in our struggle:

I have had enough of the silent suffering, the hiding, the lying and the living a double life. Today, I talk to people in my program every day, besides going to meetings twice a week. The whole truth about me needs to be on the outside, with safe people.

Group Support

Since one of the most powerful tools for breaking addictions is getting out of isolation, we need to increase our interaction with others in the same situation as much as possible. If a single partner or sponsor still does not give us the strength we need to completely stop acting out, there is nothing more powerful than group support to help addicts break free from addictions. Rabbi Avraham Twerski consistently stresses this to people who seek his council on dealing with this struggle.

On the Guard Your Eyes network, there are a few group support options. Firstly, we can join the forum and post there frequently. We quickly come to view the fellow warriors there as our spiritual "family". We get tons of support and are able to share chizuk with so many others. This is very helpful for our own recovery. We no longer feel alone in our struggle, and we watch how others, perhaps even worse off than us, make great progress.

Besides this, Guard Your Eyes offers many phone conference groups throughout the week where we can share anonymously with a group of Yidden like us, and get chizuk from the various programs and from each other. See our website for more info on the various phone groups.

One of our phone conferences recently started a great new feature. Everyone who was interested shared and exchanged phone numbers (anonymous numbers are available from Google Voice) and e-mail addresses with each other - through the moderator. He then sent the group “Call Roster” to all those who had participated, and encouraged the members to call each other and stay in touch regularly, especially when feeling weak. This new feature proved to be very helpful to the members of the group, and we recently expanded this idea on GYE by creating the GYE Phone Community, a special database of members’ phone numbers available to anyone who wants to join. (See the Partner Program on our site for more info).

One of the previous Slonimer Rebbes had a Chassid that embarked on a business trip. Being away from the comfort and protection of his home, he was tempted with the Nisayon of Yosef Hatzaddik. In a moment of cheshbon hanefesh he said to himself: "when I come back, my Rebbe will see that I sinned". But then he thought: "I will avoid my Rebbe". Then he thought to himself, "but my friends will notice on my behavior that I sinned, and can I live without my friends? NO, I need my friends!" And that is what helped him overcome his Yetzer Hara. When he got back, his Rebbe told him: "What even a Rebbe can not accomplish, having good friends CAN".

I would like to quote from a letter written by an older Bochur (who is clean already for over a year):

Yes, it is possible to be shomer habris, both before marriage and after. How did I make it this far? At the time it seemed impossible but, Baruch Hashem, I have a few friends who realize the importance of this mitzva as well. The six of us are unmarried bachurim, currently learning in a prominent yeshiva. Together with my friends, we formed a group based on the idea that this is an important focus of our lives. We meet once a month to stress the importance and beauty of what we have undertaken, and also to make some pledges. The rules of this group require that if one falls chas v'shalom, we are required to inform all other members of the group and to pay a fine of 200 dollars to the tzedaka of our choice. The number is arbitrary and serves as a number that is a significant amount, yet doable. The members have managed to be shomer habris from one month to six months, as of today, Baruch Hashem. Your amazing website guides many aspects of our group. It all starts with accountability. If you have someone to answer to, and especially to a group, it will be that much easier and it becomes that much more real.

If we know even one or two friends who also struggle in these areas, we can perhaps start our own little group - which would meet at set intervals to discuss the importance of these matters, and would serve as a forum for chizuk and accountability for one another. As time goes on, the group may grow to include additional members.

To make this work even better, there could be a separate count for the "group" (besides our personal “clean-day count”). If one of the members of the group experienced a fall, the "group" count would have to be reset (and perhaps everyone would have to give a set amount to Tzedaka as well). This would provide a very strong incentive to the members of the group not to be the one to cause the "group count" to be reset! Also, each time someone fell, he would need to discuss with the group what steps he will take to ensure that he does better next time. This would help everyone in the group become strengthened as well. Obviously, these ideas would only work if every member of the group is committed to being 100% honest. (And that should perhaps be the first condition to being accepted into such a group: a commitment to complete honesty).

GYE offers online Accountability Groups on the forum that follow this basic format. (See the "Accountability Groups" Board).

If you are a Bochur learning in Yeshiva, you could start a revolution (discreetly, of course) and earn unfathomable reward in the next world if you can find the inner strength to overcome your natural feelings of shame, and try to begin a discreet group of serious Bochurim who would meet at set intervals, as discussed above. To make it easier to sell to your close friends, you might just call it a “Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk group”. The group can start with even two boys, and gradually it would grow as word would spread from ear to ear (no posting 'signs' of course). Imagine the merit you would have for such an undertaking! Not only would this help you tremendously in your own struggle, but it would help countless others, especially if the idea continues even after your time in the Yeshiva is over, for perhaps many years to come! And who knows? Maybe in your merit, this idea would even spread to other Yeshivos as well! What an unbelievable opportunity this could be to do something great for yourself, for Klal Yisrael and for Hakadosh Baruch Hu!

(For the most powerful form of face-to-face group support, see Tool #16 - 'Live 12-Step Groups' - below).

Talk to the Experts

If we are at a loss on how to continue our journey, or if we feel that all the steps we've taken until today still don't seem to do the trick for us, we can pick up the phone and call the GYE Expert Hotline to discuss our addiction with someone who understands us and can give us advice on how to proceed. This can be either a therapist who is trained in these areas, or someone with personal experience and long-term sobriety. Alternatively, you can also send an e-mail to the GYE E-Mail Helpline to get expert advice.

In general, the experts on our hotline and e-mail helpline have worked with the 12-Step program in face-to-face groups and they are the most suited and experienced people to guide us on our journey by sharing with us what worked for them and what didn't work for them. They can also provide us with much insight into the nature of this addiction, so we can learn to recognize what we are going through and discover the proper perspective on how to deal with it. Another benefit of contacting someone personally is that the advice they give us will be more tailored to our specific situation.

The GYE Hotline & E-Mail Helpline are also ideal for mechanchim and parents, as well as for anyone who struggles in these areas, to get basic guidance on how to get started.

GYE Hotline: 646-600-8100

GYE E-Mail Helpline: help@guardyoureyes.org

Helping Others

The last of the 20 steps to Teshuvah of Rabeinu Yonah, and the last of the 12 Steps to breaking free of addiction both talk about helping others who are struggling with the same issues we struggle with. As David Hamelech writes in Tehhilim 51 (the famous Kappitel of Teshuva after the story of Bat Sheva): "alamda poshim dirachecha, vechataim eilecha yashuvu - I shall teach sinners your ways, and sinners to you will return".

But this is not just about Teshuvah, and it's not even just about helping others. This is about our own personal recovery. There is no better way to assure our own long term sobriety than to be in constant contact with the Guard Your Eyes community and to be helping others every day. Whether it is by being an accountability partner or sponsor for someone else who is struggling, or whether it is through posting on the forum, we are needed out there - and we need the others out there even more.

It is interesting to point out that the addicts of AA often found that if they did not make the purpose of their recovery to help others as well, they could do everything else in the 12-Step program, but sooner or later the addiction would relapse. The reasoning behind this is that if our whole recovery is only self- serving, we can easily get it confused with doing what we feel like doing, which is also self-serving. However, if we are continuously thinking of others, it keeps us on the right track as well.

And this is one of the secrets to understanding the importance of the Mitzva of "ve'ohavto le'reiecho kamocha - loving your fellow man as yourself" which Rabbi Akiva called a "klal gadol ba'Torah - a great cornerstone of the Torah". When we are not just living a "self serving" existence but rather living for others, we can learn how to truly do the will of Hashem for His sake. Indeed, Rav Chaim Volozhin is quoted as saying (by his son in the hakdomo to Nefesh haChaim) that the entire purpose of our existence is to do for others.

Before we even discuss the various ways that we can try and help others, there is one powerful thing that we can all do right now. There are probably thousands of other Jews around the world who unfortunately struggle in these areas too, suffering in shame and silence, who never even heard of Guard Your Eyes. It is clear that we can merit much divine help in our OWN struggles if we help spread the word so that others can be helped as well. Contact us at [[1]] to get a standard e-mail that looks like a “chain e- mail”, and either you or we can send it out to your contact lists.

What else can we do to help others? Even if we are just starting out on our journey, we can try to find someone else to partner with and share chizuk. The accepted rule in the GYE community is that if we are clean for more than 90 days, we can already be a "sponsor" for someone else as well. But regardless of whether we are a partner or a sponsor, we can share experience, strength and hope with others, and help them along on their journey.

One of the best ways to strengthen others is on our forum, where hundreds of Yidden post about their journeys; their struggles and their victories. Also, as we discussed above, we can sign up for a partner/sponsor on our website.

Not only is helping others a great therapy for our own struggles, but also "Midah kineged Midah", the more we help others heal and spread the GYE message of Teshuvah and hope, Hashem will surely help us in ways we never imagined possible! We can also help others by strengthening GYE’s holy work (see donation options on line).

12-Step Anonymous Phone Conferences

To read more about this, read The 12-Step Program.

Live 12-Step Groups

To read more about this, read The 12-Step Program and the section on that page called "LIVE 12-Step Groups".

Therapy

Very often the addiction stems from underlying issues, such as a difficult childhood, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and so on. We used the addiction as an escape mechanism to run away from emotional pain, or as an attempt to fill a void that we felt in our lives. And once we got hooked, we couldn't stop. Often these issues are deeply rooted in our psyche and began back in our childhood. From our youth, we used the pleasure to medicate our feelings of inadequacy or the void we felt in our lives that may have stemmed from childhood trauma, abuse, or even from social isolation, like just not "fitting in". An addiction therapist, preferably one who is trained in dealing with lust addiction, can help us explore the underlying causes of our addiction and discover where the root of our behaviors may stem from. This is important for the long term, because even if we learn how to fight the addiction, if we do not deal with the underlying causes the disease will often relapse at a later stage.

Besides for the importance of the therapist being trained in addictions, it is best if the therapist we choose has also dealt with an addiction in the past - and broken free. As they say, "it takes one to know one". The mechanics of all addictions are very similar, so it doesn't really matter which particular addiction the therapist may have dealt with.

Choosing a therapist who is not trained in addictions and does not understand the nature of addiction, will often cause much frustration and waste a lot of time and money before we realize that they are not really helping us. They may try to help us find the underlying causes, but an addiction is a disease, and understanding where it stems from alone is not enough to enable us to break free. Just like understanding a broken leg won’t heal it. All the understanding and "self-knowledge" in the world can't take away an addiction - which is a physical disease accompanied by a mental obsession.

A good addiction therapist will be able to teach us how to start living real life instead of fantasy, how to reconnect with the world around us, how to "get out of our heads" and stop living a self-centered existence, how to admit powerlessness, and how to "surrender" the addiction and turn our lives over to our Higher Power (often using the 12-Step method). They will teach us how to let go of the need to "control", which underlies all addictions, and how to start trusting in ourselves, in the world around us and in G-d, without resorting to the escape mechanisms and the "need to control" that the addiction provided us with.

There are also techniques such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and the techniques of Patrick Carnes, which many therapists trained in treating lust addiction use.

Also, a good addiction therapist will often encourage us to join a 12-Step group, either in tandem with the therapy or as a follow up, and they may be able to help us work through the 12-Step program themselves.

Although we may be religious, it is not necessary to choose a religious therapist in order to be helped, just like the doctor who fixes our broken leg doesn't have to be religious to heal us. All that really matters is that the therapist understand the nature of addictions well, and is trained in dealing with them. As Rabbi Avraham

J. Twerski answered someone on our network who wrote to him for advice about going to a non-religious therapist:

Because Freud was an atheist who was anti-religion, psychology got a bad rap years ago (which was well deserved). Modern psychology is generally not anti-religion. A good sex-addiction therapist is not going to lead anyone off-the-derech. A person who is sexually addicted is, in that area, off-the-derech already, and getting help with the addiction can actually enable him to strengthen his Yiddishkeit. Of course, I cannot vouch for all therapists. But if he has a good reputation, that should be OK.

Contact RELIEF to find a good therapist. Also, if you attend 12 Step meetings, you may be able to find the name of a competent therapist by asking around.

Medication

See Medication.

Rehab

For info on this topic please see Rehab.

The Very Last Resort

If all else has failed G-d forbid, and the addiction continues to ruin our lives, for example:

• If we are plagued by fantasies day and night and can find no peace, and none of the tools above were able to help us.
• And especially if the addiction is harming the lives of others or causing us to act in illegal or harmful ways.

In such cases, there are medications or shots that can reduce our sexual drive to the point of chemical castration. If the addiction is harming the lives of others, this should be done as soon as possible - before the next victim is claimed. We will need to be evaluated by experts in this field before these procedures can be carried out. Usually the drive can be brought down to zero over a period of a few months by receiving a special shot once a month.

See contact information below of professionals who deal in this area, in both Israel and the U.S. These shots are often requested by law officials for sex offenders and pedophiles, before the court will agree to release the offender from jail.

Sometimes this method can be helpful for a compulsive addict. By reducing the ability to act on his obsessions, he is given some time to think before acting. Instead of getting a thought and feeling that he must immediately act on it – as he had always done, the shots allow him a moment to try and use the tools (that he learned in the 12-Step groups, such as picking up the phone and calling his sponsor) before acting on his obsession, and hopefully stop himself in time.

However, if the addiction is not harming others, we do not suggest this method unless one has truly tried everything else and can not bear it anymore. As opposed to all the other tools mentioned in this booklet, this tool is not a solution, but rather a cop-out. It is like closing the door on a room full of garbage, but leaving the garbage inside. And as soon as the addict is off the shots, all the garbage returns to destroy their life once again. We were sent down to the world to work on ourselves and grow, and not to just have the Yetzer Hara chemically removed. (Unless of course there is no choice, in which case, this is likely what Hashem expects the person to do).

Note that one can not have children while on this treatment, and it will obviously interfere with marital relations as well. And although there are ways to find a balance where the patient may still be able to be with their wives somewhat, the balance is difficult to ascertain and may take many months to perfect.

To be assessed for this treatment in New York (marketed as Trelstar):

Dr. Richard B. Krueger, M.D. / Tel: 212-740-7330 / Cell phone: 917-750-1596 Email: rbk1@columbia.edu / Website: www.paraphilias.com

To be assessed for this treatment in Israel (known as Decapeptyl):

Prof. Eliezer Witztum / Tel: 02-6734150 / 4 Revadim St., Talpiot, Jerusalem Prof. Ariel Ressler / Tel: 02-6418033 / Kadish Luz 3/1, Ramat Sharet, Jerusalem