Twerski on GYE - Transcripts of Talks

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The Lobster

A lobster is a soft mushy animal that lives inside of a rigid shell. That rigid shell does not expand. Well, how can the lobster grow?

As the lobster grows, that shell becomes very confining and the lobster feels itself under pressure and uncomfortable. It goes under a rock formation to protect itself from predatory fish, casts off the shell, and produces a new one.

Well, eventually that shell becomes very uncomfortable as it grows… back under the rocks – good! The lobster repeats this numerous times, the stimulus for the lobster to be able to grow is that it feels uncomfortable.

Now, if lobsters had doctors, they would never grow, because as soon as the lobster feels uncomfortable, it goes to the doctor, gets a Valium, gets a Percocet, feels fine. Never casts off his shell. So, I think, we have to realize that times of stress are also times that are signals for growth. And if we use adversity properly, we can grow through adversity.

Rabbi Twerski Talk, Dec 2009

(From this audio file):

It’s not the same world that I grew up in. I’ll tell you something else – it’s not the same world into which you were born. The world doesn’t change anymore in centuries. It changes in days, in weeks and sometimes in hours.

And we have to realize that it is not the same world today that it was ten years ago.

The kind of shmutz that’s out there is unprecedented. I don’t know that ever in history has there been a period of moral darkness as bad as it is today.

I spent forty years of psychiatric practice primarily dealing with addictions. And most of the time it was addiction to alcohol, addiction to drugs. More recently, internet addiction has become extremely serious.

But I think that we have to be aware that addictions are there and that we do not have any immunity to them. You have no idea as to what category of people have fallen victim to internet pornography. We would not think that these type of people would be capable of it. But what happens is that the yetzer harah is working at full speed and full strength

And I want to tell you this my friends, hopefully, hopefully nobody who is a yirei shomayim is going to go look for that kind of trash and that kind of filth. However, it is perfectly possible that when monkeying around with the internet, you hit a button and there is a popup of a pornography scene. You weren’t looking for it, but it happened. You have exactly 3/10^th of a second to turn it off. And if you wait until 4/10^th of a second, you may become addicted. That’s how severe it is.

No leeway, no leeway at all. Zero tolerance. It’s one of the most powerful addictions. And day after day after day I get letters and calls from people who say - what can I do to save myself? -  because they have fallen into the addiction, the pornography addiction, and it has taken them all the way down. Their learning is no learning and their davening is no davening. It has ruined more marriages than anything. Ruined families. It’s been terribly destructive.

And I saw in one sefer that it says before the time of Moshiach, the satan will have absolute shlite, absolute control, and I believe that we are now ready for Moshiach, because it seems that the satan has got absolute control in subjugating some of our finest people to this horrible addiction.

Do I have an addiction?

Rabbi Abraham Twerski answers the question in this audio (32 minutes and 12 seconds into the talk). Here is a transcript:

First of all, the question is, what is the definition of addiction? I don't think we have a good definition of an addict. I think if a person knows that what he's doing is wrong, harmful, destructive, whatever, and he tries to stop doing it, and he makes a sincere effort to stop doing it, and finds that he cannot do it, I think he can call himself an addict. I don't know what the importance is for giving it a name. I think that (he can call himself an addict) if a person comes to that realization, "here's something that I know I shouldn't be doing, and I know it's destructive. I'm trying to stop it, I've tried to stop eleven times, or a hundred times, but I haven't been able to. I need someone's help at being able to stop".

Achieving 'Happiness and the Human Spirit'

Finding happiness and self-worth in life is a difficult trait in times when routine and materialism pervade our daily activities.  Many people go through life without knowing or understanding their purpose in life, and individuals often find themselves depressed. Rabbi Avraham Twerski, a renowned psychiatrist who has written over 50 books dealing with human psychology, tackles happiness verses depression in his new book, "Happiness and Human Spirit: What Happiness is All About, and Why it is Important for You. Rabbi Twerski discusses a person's need for happiness with IsraelNationalRadio's Tovia Singer.

Tovia Singer:  How can a person find true happiness?

R. Avraham Twersky:  A person cannot truly be happy unless he is complete.  For example, if someone is lacking in iron, he will have iron deficiency and symptoms of illness.  Now, a person is more than a body.  There is something more that makes us human other than the fact that we walk on two legs.

The things that make us human are a number of unique traits that animals do not have.  We are the only living things that have the ability to be humble.  We are the only living things that can make ethical and moral choices, even in defiance of our bodily drives.  We have the ability to improve ourselves, to be compassionate, to have perspective for the future, to search for truth, and to have a goal in life.  All of these make us into human beings.

If we do not use these traits, we are incomplete, and incomplete human beings cannot be happy.  When we lack these character traits and have this chronic unhappiness, we desperately look for things that will make us feel better. One may find comfort in alcohol, the other seeks it in drugs, gambling, sex, food, pursuit of money, etc.  We look for many things to get rid of chronic unhappiness, but our chronic unhappiness is due to our being deficient in key areas.

Now please note that even though I am a Rabbi, and even though I have taught religion, I am now functioning as a psychiatrist and I am talking about being spiritual.  I don't ask a patient about his religion.  That is a private thing.  However, as a physician, I want to make sure they have all the necessary nutrients for their bodies that makes them human beings, which I refer to as a spirit.  The spirit is not a religious concept.  That's why I say that happiness depends on developing the qualities of the human spirit.

TS: Correct me if I am wrong, but the word spiritual is thrown around often.  One can't be spiritual without a personal relationship with G-d; is that right?

AT: I think one cannot be religious without a personal relationship with G-d.  I have said that religion must have spirituality; otherwise, it is just superficial rituals.  The way I define spirituality is that a person can be spiritual even if he does not have a personal relationship with G-d, as long as he utilizes all of the traits that a human being has.

One of the things that I point out is that a unique human trait is the ability to look for a purpose in life.  I write often about self-esteem.  A person without a purpose in life cannot have positive self-esteem.

Now, how can a person have purpose in life if he views the whole world as being purposeless? If a person does not believe that there is a G-d, who created the world for a purpose, and that the world happened out of some big bang out of a freak accident, then what kind of sense does it make to look for a personal purpose in a world that is purposeless?

Therefore, if a person is going to be spiritual and will utilize character traits of spirituality, he is going to come to a point where if he looks for purpose in life, he is going to have to find a religious idea of G-d.  Spirituality should lead to a religious belief.  But, at the same time, a purpose can be spiritual as long as a person fulfills the human traits.

TS:  You speak about self-esteem. That is a very important message in all your work.  What does that really mean?  Let's say there are folks who are listening to the show right now who sometimes feel this sense of depression inside. They feel worthless. Is that the trapping of what brings people into a life without coping and happiness?

AT:  I have gone on record as saying that if mental illnesses and emotional problems which are due to chemical imbalances are excluded, all the rest can be traced to the fact that people lack self-esteem. A person should have a true self-awareness.

What is unfortunate is that most people underestimate themselves. They have negative feelings about themselves. I wrote so much about this because for 38 years of my life, I suffered because I was not aware of myself. I lacked self-esteem, and I did not give myself the credit I was due.

I pointed out in my books that having self-esteem does not mean being vain.  In fact, I quote Rabbeinu Yonah, one of the great ethicists of 1000 years ago. He says that vanity is simply a desperate defense by a person who feels worthless to give himself some kind of good feeling.

I believe that we should come to a true self-awareness.  As I have said, a person without a purpose can't have too much self-esteem because of the things that we value.  We value things either because of their function or because of their aesthetic value.  Not many people have an aesthetic value.  We're all not that good looking. Our selfish being has to be based on our function.  What is our function? If our function is merely to go through a day's work, kick off our shoes, and sit in front of the TV with a couple of bottles of beer, that is not any kind of edifying function.  We can't get self-esteem from that.

Self-esteem means developing a purpose in life, living our life to the fullest and not like an animal.  Animals are not motivated by anything other than self-gratification.  Animals other than pet dogs do not know how to get out of their skin.  What makes us human beings—and this is why our forefather Abraham emphasized chesed [kindness] so much—is that to be a true human being, one has to be able to do chesed to get out of himself. He needs to do kind things for other people.  A person can be a mentsh- a spiritual being- but not with animal traits.

TS:  I know this Rabbi.  We have listeners around the world who are hanging on to your every word, and I am understanding the balance that the difference between self-esteem and vanity, which is emptiness and worthless, is destructive.

Somebody that is listening now might be saying, "Part of self-esteem is that I have to have goals.  But I don't know what my goal is, and I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life.  I want to have that purpose, but I don’t know how to focus myself."  In this case, Rabbi, what do you suggest?

AT:  First of all, I think that a person who thinks that way is halfway there.  The problem with the majority of people is that they get so involved in day-to-day living that they don’t take enough time to think about whether they have a purpose and what that purpose is.

Once a person is looking for a purpose, there are things he can do and people he can talk to in order to investigate his purpose in life. I believe that a person does not become a complete person when he fulfills his traits. but if he works toward them. It is not the end product, but the process of getting there that counts. If people will begin looking for a purpose in life, they may not find it in a day or a week, but they will eventually find a real purpose over and above seeking pleasure. Pleasure is fine, and I don't deny anybody the pleasures of life, but I don't think that we were created simply to have pleasure. We were created to find our purpose.

TS:  Is there any place for someone who does not suffer from physical ailment—like bi-polar disorder or another ailment that must be addressed by medication—to utilize Xanax?  Is there any place for medication to help folks cope through, or is this something you are completely against?

AT:  Well first, as you mentioned, there are some physical disorders, like bi-polar disorder or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which can be helped by medication because they are due to some physical or hormonal imbalance. Medications are important there.

Now, when you talk about medications such as tranquilizers-  they are essentially the same as alcohol. They give you relief from feeling because they are anesthetics. They numb you.  They may have a purpose for temporary use under certain stress conditions.  The problem is when people begin to rely on tranquilizers, they lose their potency. The person becomes defractured to them, and then they need to increase the dose.

So I have had patients who upped their dose of five milligrams of Valium a day to 500 milligrams. Some have been taking enough that would kill an elephant, and yet their body is able to withstand that. It makes them totally dysfunctional.

So with other medications and anti-depressants, they can be used in certain situations, but with tranquilizers, they must be used only with extreme caution.

TS:  Now, as a Rabbi, is there part of Tanach, sacred scripture, that you encourage folks to study to read to ponder over, to meditate on, when they are in search of self-esteem and their goals?

AT:  First of all, I believe that if one studies Tehillim [psalms] properly, with good commentaries and especially with a good teacher, one can get some very good messages out of Tehillim.

There are other parts of the Prophets that are very edifying, but I think that to really build self-esteem and happiness that we can find some excellent guidelines in some of the Chassidic works and in some of the mussar [spiritual advice] writers.  These are people that have profound understanding of human psychology.

They provide some good guidelines.  Again, we need to know how to study them because sometimes we can distort what they say.  But with a good teacher, we can develop a happiness in life by developing oneself fully and developing one's potential to be the best person one can be.

Twerski on Love

https://gye.vids.io/videos/e89bd1be1012ecc460/03-twerski-on-love

Love is a word that in our culture has almost lost its meaning.

There’s a very interesting story about the Rabbi of Kotsk, who came across a young man who was fairly enjoying a dish of fish that he was eating. He said, “Young man, why are you eating that fish?” So, the man said “Because I love fish!” So, he said, “Oh, you love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water, killed it and boiled it.” He said, “Don’t tell me you love fish. You love yourself. And because the fish tastes good to you, therefore you took it out of the water, killed it and boiled it!”

So much of what is love, is fish love.

And so, a young couple falls in love, a young man and young woman fall in love. What does that mean? It means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all his physical and emotional needs, and she saw in this man, somebody who she feels could provide her with all her needs. That was love but each one is looking out for their own needs. It’s not love for the other. The other person becomes a vehicle for my gratification.

Too much of what is called love is fish love. An external love is not focused on what I’m going to get, but on what I’m going to give. We have an esthesis from Rabbi Dessler who said that people make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love. And the answer is; the real answer is; you love those to whom you give.

And his point is, if I give something to you, I’ve invested myself in you. And since self-love is a given; everybody loves themselves, now that part of me has become you, there is part of me in you that I love.

So, true love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.

"Caught in the Web"

The following are excerpts from an interview with Rabbi Twerski on a CD called "Caught in the Web" produced by Torah Umesorah in 2007.

Internet Addiction - Early Exposure

It’s important to realize that we are facing a very significant and perhaps major epidemic that is affecting all levels of the population. It is causing great harm in marriages and it is affecting young people particularly, in a very harmful way.

One has to remember that when a child watches pornography, (when I say a child it could be anywhere from 8-18 and of course older as well) it is not a single event. A youngster who gets interested in pornography very often follows it up with repeated viewings either at his own home, or at the library, or at a friend’s house. And it’s time that we get over the denial that this would not happen to our children. It can happen anywhere. It happens in the finest families.

If we get the blindness off our eyes and realize what’s out there, and realize that it is not getting better from day to day but it is getting worse from day to day - that there are people out there that are making hundreds of millions of dollars exploiting our children with their objectionable material on the internet. They are profiting from your children’s ruination. We can’t allow that to happen!

One may think that viewing pornography is only a moral issue, maybe a religious issue, but it has to be understood as a psychological issue as well. Men and women grow up, or should grow up, with a healthy attitude towards a husband/wife relationship. There are countless cases of where terrible distortions have occurred and this can cause a ripple effect through the marriage and the family. And the kinds of things that are conveyed by pornography are the kind of things that can stay with a person for months and years after he has seen them, and it can have a very profound negative effect.

Parental Involvement

The Attitude to Imbue

The only effective way to really stop this epidemic, is not with technological ways, but with the development of an attitude ‘I am too good to let this happen to me’. We do not go for such things. This is absolutely obnoxious and odious!

Take these words to heart seriously. Develop an attitude in your home that the children should feel so proud of themselves, so proud of their heritage, so proud of their dignity, that they will not allow themselves to be tarnished by objectionable, immoral material.

When at 75-year-old man discovers a fly in his soup, he puts the whole plate away, he’s not going to eat it. Well, whatever made him think that a fly is so disgusting? After all, little infants who are 5 or 6 months old will put insects in their mouths. But what happens when the infant puts insects in his mouth? The mother has a horrible reaction, she goes into convulsion and screams about how ugly that is. And that impression remains with him throughout his life.

That’s the kind of attitude that we ought to convey to our children. Objectionable material is absolutely disgusting and it is something that a person with dignity and pride would never allow himself to indulge in.

Blockers are Not Enough

Various efforts to try to block out the kinds of things that you don’t want children to see are unreliable, and not only are they unreliable, but [if the parent uses them only to block the children's access but not their own] they are unwise as well. Many people, who understandably want to avoid a speeding ticket, have a radar detector on their car. A radar detector is a very powerful message to the children – that it is alright to violate and break the law – just make sure you don’t get caught! And it’s a bad message. We have to teach children respect for the law without the fear of being caught. This applies to everything, as well as to pornography.

A friend of mine told me that he had an altercation with his eleven-year-old son. They were watching television and something came up which he thought was improper for the son to see and he asked him to leave the room and the youngster said no way. So, he had to get up and drag him out of the room. And I told him that he had made a serious mistake. Because what he should have done is go over to the television and turn it off and say we do not allow this kind of trash in our home. The way he did it, gave the youngster a message this is not good for children, it’s only good for daddy and mummy.

Relationship with Our Children

The internet problem, as great as it is, is largely a question of parent’s relationship to their children. It’s important to know not only what children read, not only who their friends are, but parents should have a strong interest in their children. They ought to take out time that the children should know this time is for the child. Now I know you have to be at the office and you have to work all the hours, I understand that very well, but we have to prioritize. Our children are our greatest priority.

And let me tell you an interesting finding that came about several years ago. A group of researchers interviewed hundreds of families. Families in which there were children and youngsters who had behavioural problems of one kind or another, and they interviewed many families in which there was no such problems. And they sent all of the data into computers to see whether the computer could pick up any prominent feature that distinguished the two groups. The surprising feature was that the healthier families had more shared meal time – family meal time, together. Now, no one would have thought that this is as important but when families eat together and they communicate to each other and do so in a pleasant setting, and do so frequently, I think that that is a strong bond between parents and children.

We have to give our children enough time so that we can find out what is going on in their inner world. And that is the important thing. We all have an inner and an outer world. Children want to be understood. They want their parents to understand them. And I think the greatest gift that a parent can give to a child is the time that the parent gives them to have a close relationship with him or her. Now if the parent is so involved with his job or profession, whatever, that he can not give the child the time that the child needs, the message that the child is getting is – I will work to buy things for you and to give you economical support because that is important. But I cannot give you myself, because that is not important. And that is a very serious message to give to the children.

Possible videos to transcript

https://gye.vids.io/videos/7c9bd0ba1f1ce7c2f4/rabbi-abraham-j-twerski-teshuvah-through-recovery-yiboneh (from 7:30 until 58 minutes)

https://gye.vids.io/videos/a49bdab11911efc62c/rabbi-twerski-in-monroe (from 4:45 and on)

https://gye.vids.io/videos/4c9ad8b21c15edc7c4/rabbi-twerski-on-addiction-and-recovery