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Do I need the program or is Yiras Shamayim enough? (Hamodia)

Thank you for your advice and clarity on many pertinent issues. Your responses are so on target and helpful. A recent query discussed the problem with control over internet use. Your position was that although people claim that it is beyond their ability to control themselves, it is not quite so. If one would be threatened by gunpoint to either touch the computer or be shot, one would have the ability to control oneself. If one has no control, what is truly missing is yiras Shamayim, fear of the all-seeing G-d.

So my question is: I’ve been a member in Overeaters Anonymous for some time, where we study the Big Book and work the 12 Steps, where we’re told that we’re powerless over food, and it is not in our control at all. It is a progressive disease that one cannot overcome but needs to give it over to G-d and trust in His help. All this I can understand. But we’re also told that one needs to remain in the program strongly, or else one succumbs to the addiction again.

So is this true – that nothing helps, only staying in the framework of OA or similar programs? Or does being a yerei Shamayim and working on oneself in Emunah and self-control eventually get the person to a place of balance and the ability to control oneself from compulsive eating?

This issue has been bothering me for a long time, and I question if it is a Torah view that we’re powerless over food, and control can only be achieved through staying in the program indefinitely.

I was once asked, “Why do I need a 12-step recovery? Why can’t we just use the teachings of mussar for recovery?” I then wrote a book, Self-Improvement? I’m Jewish, proposing a recovery program based on mussar. At the end I suggested reading the 12 steps. The program based on mussar is identical to the 12 steps!

Why, then, doesn’t the study of mussar suffice? Because at all the mussar shiurim I attended, the concepts are well accepted, but I don’t think that anyone leaves the room with the feeling, “If I deviate from what I learned here, I’ll die!” The idea that vechayei olam nata besocheinu is not taken literally, that “If I deviate from Torah, I’m dead”! Not figuratively, but actually dead!

That’s where the 12-step program is different. One realizes that one’s very life depends on it, literally. If one took mussar to heart that sincerely, it would be an excellent recovery program. That is the way Rav Yisrael of Salant, zt”l, intended mussar to be learned.

The Talmud states that our yetzer hara is so powerful that without the help of Hashem, we could never resist it. In other words, without the help of Hashem, we are powerless. This is something we should never forget. But the yetzer hara tries to tell us otherwise, and that is why we must constantly be reminded, in our first week and in our fiftieth year of recovery, that without the help of Hashem, we are powerless.

The group experience is important. Just as, lehavdil, tefillah betzibbur is superior to davening alone, and learning in a group is superior to learning alone, so also, fighting against a common enemy, whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling or excessive food, is more effective when done together with other people fighting the same battle, as the navi Yeshayahu says, “To one’s brother, one says ‘Be strong!”’

Of course, when enlisting the help of Hashem, we must turn to our Torah sources to strengthen our Emunah and yiras Shamayim. When we have the help of Hashem, we gain power from His Infinite Power.

The battle against the against the yetzer hara never ends, nor does the battle against any destructive addiction.

Combatting Low Self-Esteem (Hamodia)

To someone suffering from low self esteem, Rabbi Twerski writes:

The Torah relates that when the meraglim returned from Eretz Canaan, they said that the land was inhabited by giants. “We appeared in our own eyes like grasshoppers, and that is how we appeared to them” (Bamidbar 13:33).

Chiddushei HaRim comments that the Torah is telling us that the way a person feels about himself is how he thinks other people perceive him.

This is the most important psychological insight. A person does not think he may be hallucinating or delusional. A person feels that what he sees as reality is in fact reality, and does not doubt the validity of his perception.

If a person thinks of himself as being small, he is certain that others see him as small. Similarly, if he thinks of himself as dull, unattractive, unlikable and inadequate, he is certain that this is what he is and that others see him as such.

In my books, I have repeatedly pointed out that many people’s self-concept is erroneous, and that they have unwarranted negative feelings about themselves.

In Angels Don’t Leave Footprints I pointed out that these erroneous feelings about oneself are the work of the yetzer hara.

The Talmud says that the yetzer hara constantly tries to destroy a person (Kedushin 30), and I believe it does so by crushing him, making him feel inferior and worthless.

It takes away the initiative to accomplish, causes a person to be paralyzed by fear of failure, and makes him lose confidence in his ability to live up to all the Torah’s requirements.

If you thought better about yourself, you would feel that people relate to you because they value and enjoy your friendship, rather then that they are doing chessed with you.

We are all better people than we take credit for. Certainly, we may have some character defects, but we should have the confidence that we can improve upon them. The famous baal mussar Reb Yeruchem Levovitz, zt”l, said, “Woe unto the person who is not aware of his character defects, but much worse is the person who is not aware of his character strengths”.

We can defend ourselves against the yetzer hara’s efforts to crush us by working towards a true self-awareness. Harav Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, has a section on self-awareness in volume 1 of Alei Shur.

In Ten Steps to Being Your Best, I suggest a method to build self-esteem. This will not only change how you feel about how others relate to you, but can relieve you of some of the self-defeating things we do as a result of an erroneous self-concept.

Shame vs. Guilt (Hamodia)

Although a person should have a sense of self-esteem by virtue of his neshamah, and because we are all children of Hashem, this applies when a person lives properly and does what is required of him. If a person is disabled and can do very little, he should not lose a sense of worthiness.

However, if a person lives a profligate life and does not act as behooves a child of Hashem, there is little reason for him to feel worthy unless he does teshuvah and redeems himself. The Talmud tells us about Elazar ben Dordia, who lived in sin all his life but at the end recognized how wrong he had been and wept so bitterly over his sins that he died while crying, and a heavenly voice declared that with his teshuvah he merited Gan Eden.

We generally use the words “shame” and “guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did,” meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person did, and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead to teshuvah, to take corrective action.

Shame, however, is about what one feels he is. In other words, guilt is “I made a mistake,” whereas shame is “I am a mistake.” If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff,” there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame.

For whatever reason, a person may have shame and feel that he is inherently bad. A parent may have said, “You’re a rotten kid” or used other terms that cause a child to feel not that he did something but that he was in essence bad. A person who has that feeling cannot have self-esteem, and he may behave according to his belief that he is bad and that nothing can change that. There is no reason to think that this person will do teshuvah.

That is why every person should feel that he is a child of Hashem, with a holy neshamah.  People who feel shame should seek help to overcome this destructive feeling.

In our prayers we often use the term Avinu, our Father, to refer to Hashem. Remembering that we are Hashem’s children should give us a basic feeling of worthiness, and the knowledge that if, as fallible humans, we have made mistakes, we are able to redeem ourselves.

Hamodia Column #1

Question: I know that you have addressed this problem in the past, but I am desperate for help. As a yeshivah bachur I fell into the trap of Internet, but, baruch Hashem, I was able to escape by making a neder not to touch a computer. That worked for about eight years. Now I am married, and my parnassah requires working on a computer, so my neder does not help. Once I’m at a computer, I don’t have any resistance. The company I work for does not have a filter, and I have fallen back into the trap. I am afraid that if I don’t get help, both my Yiddishkeit and my marriage will be lost. What can I do?

Your problem is an example why the approach to cut down access to computers is not the solution. We are becoming more and more dependant on the Internet every day. As much as we wish that we could eliminate all access, this appears to be unrealistic.

The current proposed solutions are inadequate.

Unfortunately, there are many similarities between this “war” and the war on drugs. Eight administrations have declared a “war on drugs.” They have backed up this declaration of war with astronomical investments of resources to prevent, apprehend, arrest and severely punish drug users and dealers. Yet, despite sniffing dogs at the airports and thousands of border guards, financial incentives to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars to farmers to abstain from growing drug-producing plants, and stiff mandatory prison sentences to drug users, dealers and money launderers, the drug business is thriving.

Former U.S. Secretary of Health Joseph Califano has stated the obvious. None of these techniques or any others will be effective as long as there is a desire for drugs. The only hope is to cut down the desire, and we have not found a way to do that.

This is also true of the internet problem. The words of Harav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, are prophetic. Rav Feinstein cites the verse, “Kedoshim tihiyu – you shall be holy,” upon which Rashi says that this means avoiding forbidden relationships. Rav Feinstein says that the only thing that can be effective against immoral temptations is kedushah, no ifs, ands or buts. There is no other way.

We must be realistic about trying to break Internet addiction. There is only one way, as Rav Feinstein says – increase kedushah.

How does one increase kedushah? The answer is simple – simple but difficult. The sefer Mesilas Yesharim (Path of the Just) describes eight steps that lead to kedushah.

If we follow and implement the teachings of Mesilas Yesharim seriously, sincerely and faithfully, we can increase kedushah. Nothing else is effective against the tumah of the internet.

This is not an easy solution. Practicing the teachings of Mesilas Yesharim in our daily lives requires changing many of our habits. We are creatures of habit, and changing our character traits is difficult. Harav Yisrael Salant, zt”l, said that it is easier for a person to learn the entire Talmud than to change even a single character trait. But If we are sincere in our determination to overcome the Internet problem, we will not be satisfied with short-term solutions and we will recognize that Rav Feinstein was absolutely right. Increasing kedushah and only increasing kedushah will work.

Internet addiction is a spiritual cancer. People who have, chas veshalom, cancer will undergo surgery and very difficult treatments to save their lives. If we realize that our spiritual lives and the spiritual lives of our children are at stake, we will be willing to do whatever is necessary to save ourselves and our children.

Just reading Mesilas Yesharim is not enough. We must pause after every sentence and reflect on whether we are in fact implementing it. It is said that the Gaon of Vilna, before walking out into the street, would review chapter two of Mesilas Yesharim 13 times! If that is what that great tzaddik required, what can we say of ourselves?

If you feel you need extra help with battling the problem, Hamodia can give you a referral to people who can help. But remember the words of Rav Feinstein. Increasing kedushah is the only solution.

Hamodia Column #2

Question 1: Why do people inherently have low self esteem?

I found a comment of Rabbi Twerski in a recent interview disturbing. To say that 99.9% of people don’t like themselves is outrageous, for the reality and Torah sources directly contradict that.

Your comment that it is "outrageous" is quite correct. It is not 99%, it is 100%. People can emerge from this state only by serious work on their character traits. Let us see why this is so.

The Talmud says, “A person’s yetzer hara grows stronger and renews itself every day and seeks to destroy him” (Kiddushin 30). Every person has a yetzer hara – you, I, and the greatest tzaddikim.

What is the yetzer hara? The Torah says, “A person comes into the world as a wild mule” (Iyov, 11:12). In other words, we are born with all the character traits, impulses and desires of a wild animal. We are given a neshamah that enables us, if we put it to work, to transform these traits into kedushah.

The Tiferes Yisrael (end of Kiddushin) cites a Midrash that a desert king heard about the greatness of Moshe Rabbeinu, and sent his artists to the Israelite encampment to draw a picture of Moshe. When they returned, he submitted the portrait to his physiognomists, who could tell a person’s character by looking at his face. They told him that this was a portrait of a man who was vain, selfish, murderous, gluttonous, intolerant and lustful. This was so contradictory to what he had heard about Moshe Rabbeinu that he decided to see for himself.

When the king met Moshe, he saw that the portrait was accurate to the very last hair. He confronted Moshe with the problem, and Moshe told him that the physiognomists were correct. What they can see in a person’s face are the traits with which one was born. Moshe Rabbeinu explained that what they said about him was true, in that he was born with those loathsome traits. However, using the strengths of his neshamah, he was able to eliminate some of them and transform others into desirable traits, such as lust for Hashem, hatred of evil, intolerance of injustice, etc.

We all have a yetzer hara, with the inborn traits of a “wild mule.” Imagine what work it takes to deal with these. Mesillas Yesharim and Tanya say that we are engaged in a lifelong struggle with the yetzer hara. Tzaddikim with their unrelenting work, succeed in defeating the yetzer hara.

In a letter to a young man who complained about his difficulty with this struggle, Hagoan Harav Yitzchok Hutner zt”l, said, “Do you think the Chofetz Chaim was born a tzaddik? Do you realize the intensity of his struggle and how many times he fell and picked himself up until he became the great tzaddik that he was?” Every night, the Chofetz Chaim would open the Aron Kodesh and pray tearfully that Hashem should remove his feelings of anger. The Chofetz Chaim never manifested anger, because he was in total control of his behavior, but he could not eliminate his feelings, and asked Hashem to remove his undesirable feelings.

So, you and I and every other person have this “wild mule” within us. I have not seen too many people cry into the Aron Kodesh for Hashem to help them eliminate some of these inborn traits. And if you were to tell people that they have these odious traits, they would be deeply insulted. I think that with the exception of our great tzaddikim, who achieved the transformation that Moshe did, most people have this “wild mule” inside of them. True, we don’t behave like wild mules, because we have been disciplined and trained to control our behavior, but as all the sifrei mussar point out, the shoresh of these traits remain with us.

Harav Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, whose understanding of human nature was profound, says that these feelings remain in our tat-hakarah, our subconscious mind. Because we are generally not aware of them, we cannot transform them, and lurking in the subconscious, they affect our behavior in ways we may not recognize. Not infrequently, they emerge into our awareness, and we quickly banish them into the unconscious. How much self-esteem can one have with any awareness that one has “wild mule” traits? Yet, it is only by allowing ourselves to become aware of them and transforming or uprooting them that we can get self-esteem.

So the yetzer hara, as the Talmud says, regularly seeks to destroy a person and does so by utilizing one’s “wild mule” components to give one a feeling of unworthiness. People deal with this in any number of ways. Rabbeinu Yona says that a baal gaavah is a person who thinks himself to be superior in order to overcome his feelings of lowliness. The person who speaks lashon hara thinks himself to be a better person by berating others.

The sifrei mussar and Chassidus say that the yetzer hara tries to crush a person either by making him a baal gaavah, as Rabbeinu Yonah says, or by making him feel inept. “What’s the use of my trying? I can’t succeed anyway.” Depression, they say, may be the result of gaavah, with the person feeling that he deserves more than he has, and is depressed by his feeling of being deprived of what he deserves. The person who seeks to control others, whether it is an abusive spouse or parent, tries to overcome the feeling of lowliness by controlling others, which makes one feel superior.

There should be no need to be a baal gaavah, to speak lashon hara or to control other people. We are all better people than we think we are, and this is clearly pointed out in the chapter on hakaras atzmo (self-awareness) in vol. 1 of Alei Shur by Rav Wolbe.

Question 2: Yetzer Hara or Disease?

Rabbi Twerski insists that weaknesses we used to call listening to our yetzer hara are actually diseases that need to be treated by medical doctors instead of our spiritual mentors.

That listening to the yetzer hara is a disease is clearly described by Rambam in Shemona Perakim as cholei nefesh, and is not an invention by psychologists. Ideally the treatment of cholei nefesh should be by talmidei chachamim, and Gedolim such as Harav Elyahu Dessler, zt”l, and Rav Wolbe have done so. The writings of the Steipler Gaon, zt”l, are a treatment for cholei nefesh. The Steipler’s manual on OCD is an excellent example: “Nerven is nisht frumkeit”.

There are, of course, some types of mental illness such as bipolar and postpartum that are the result of physical-chemical changes within the body that require psychiatric treatment.

Not surprisingly, many referrals to mental health workers are made by Rabbanim, who realize that the person’s emotional problems are beyond what they can do for them. Some referrals come from Roshei Yeshivah and Chassidic Rebbes.

Question 3: Not lying - but for what reason?

Rabbi Twerski says in his book that he stopped lying not because of Torah but because of psychology. He says that he learned that lying doesn’t work. Where does the Torah prohibition of not lying fit in to his worldview?

I wish that we all observed midvar sheker tirchak not only to avoid lying but also to distance oneself from lying. If one understands lo teshakru (Vayikra 19:11) to mean “you shall not lie,” one may find a reason to justify lying under certain circumstances. When the Rebbe of Kotzk, zt”l was told that someone stole something, he asked,  “How can that be? The Torah says, ‘Lo tignov,’ which means ‘you cannot steal.’”

Sadly, many people find rationalizations, why it is permissible to lie under certain circumstances. The ideal understanding of lo teshakru is not “you shall not lie,” but “you cannot lie.” I was privileged to realize that lo teshakru means “you cannot lie,” so I stopped justifying lying.

Question 4: Is spirituality dependent on religion?

In Rabbi Twerski’s book, “I’d like to call for help, but I don’t know the number”, he writes, shockingly, “I do not mean to be harsh with religion because it has so much to offer. Yet I cannot deny that some of the principles of religion may find greater expression in AA” and “it is my hope to demonstrate that spirituality need not be dependent on religion.” These statement by a Rabbi are a chillul Hashem! Furthermore, we have yet to see objective evidence that 12-step programs, which Rabbi Twerski espouses, are the ultimate solution to our many problems.

The book I’d  Like to Call for Help But I Don’t Know the Number was written for the non-Jewish alcoholic and drug addict. The book Twerski on Spirituality was for Jews.

Yet, I must inform you, that I have had fine, frum talmidei chachamim and chassidim who were in every way chassidish, some of whom could quote Mesillas Yesharim by heart, who fell into the trap of alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive gambling and internet addiction. The reason for this is that their learning of mussar was superficial, not as Harav Yisrael Salant, zt”l proposed.

What happens to them when they go to AA? First of all, they must recognize that as the Talmud says, “A person’s yetzer hara grows stronger and renews itself every day and seeks to destroy him, and without the help of Hashem, one cannot overcome it.” One must pray diligently for siyatta diShmaya. Secondly one must do what Pirkei Avos says (2:4): “Make Hashem’s Will your will, and annul your will before His Will.”

One must realize that giving in to his own will was what brought him to disaster. Then one must make a regular cheshbon hanefesh and, as the Rebbe Reb Elimelech of Lizhensk, zt”l says, reveal to a trusted friend every act one has done and even one’s thoughts, because by doing so, one breaks the hold of the yetzer hara. One must, like the Chofetz Chaim, ask Hashem to remove those undesirable traits that one has been unable to eliminate. One must seek forgiveness from anyone one has offended, because even Yom Kippur does not forgive such sins. If one has done wrong, one should promptly admit it and not try to justify one’s mistakes, as the Navi says, “For this I will punish you, for your saying ‘I did not sin’” (Yirmiyahu 2:35). And one must practice these principles in everything one does, as the Talmud says, “The one small verse on which the entire Torah depends is, ‘Know Hashem in all your ways’” (Brachos 63)

This is essentially the AA program, and as one can see, it is straight mussar. Why, then, is AA or OA necessary for addiction? Because whereas we say ki heim chayenu, we generally do not walk away from a mussar sefer with the thought, “If I deviate from this, I will surely die.” The person addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling or food who walks away from a support meeting knows, from bitter experience, “If I deviate from this program, I will surely die.” If one truly and sincerely felt that way about mussar, one would not need AA. But let’s be realistic, not everyone reacts this way.

Religion is wonderful, but religion without proper middos is of little value. Harav Aharon Kotler, zt”l, said, “The Torah was given to mentschen. Of one is not a mentsch, one’s Torah is of little value.” Harav Chaim Vital, zt”l, the chief disciple of the Ari Hakadosh, zt”l, says in Shaar Hakedushah that one must be even more careful about an improper middah than about an aveirah. The baalei mussar explain that as grave as an aveirah is, it does not become a part of one’s personality, whereas a bad middah, such as ka’as, becomes part of one’s personality and is much more difficult to uproot.

Unfortunately, some people think that one can be religious even with bad middos. It is possible to hear a statement, “He is a very frum person, but he has a bad temper,” but no one would say “He is a very frum person but he likes to eat treife.” In truth, a person who loses his temper is no more than one who eats treife. Indeed, the Talmud equates losing one’s temper with avodah zarah.

If you wish to believe that there are no problems with alcohol, drugs, gambling or internet among yeshivah students and frum people, you may do so. We, who see these people frequently, know what the facts are. These destructive habits are tragically rampant in our environment, and our children are not immune to them. It is important that parents and yeshivos provide the education that can help prevent a youngster from falling into these deadly ways.

The last gasp of a drowning soul (Hamodia)

As a widely read Jewish publication, Hamodia is in a unique position to help Klal Yisrael. By definition, any topic that needs to be discussed that a majority of the Jewish community is oblivious to is not easy to print. Subjects the community prefers to ignore will not endear your paper to readers. It’s always that way. But that doesn’t absolve you of your responsibility.

Please don’t cower from a rare opportunity to truly benefit the future of our people. Use your G-d given influence the way it was designed to be used. At last, you have an opportunity to do something, to print something useful, instead of silly crosswords and whining editorials about “enough is enough” and when will the bloodshed finally end… Mitzva haba liyadecha al tachmitzena.

I am about to reveal something I’ve never discussed with a living soul, and thought I never would. Your answer could save my life, or, not. More important than to read your answer I am writing this so that it can be printed, in its entirety, and read, because there are hundreds of people in my situation.

I’m a 21-year-old yeshiva bochur. I went to prominent American yeshivos all my life and am now learning in a famous yeshiva gedola in Eretz Yisrael. Modesty aside, I was at the top of my classes and shiurim, widely respected by my friends and rebbeim. I planned to learn many years and go into chinuch. I would find a perfect shidduch quickly, some Rosh Yeshiva’s daughter, raise a beautiful family, and spread nachas all around. A perfect life awaited; I was the frum community’s model son. As far as anybody knows, all this is still true.

When I was in the first year of beis medrash (age 16), my parents brought the internet into our home, and my secret life began. To condense the story, I was very quickly hooked on devarim assurim. (Let’s not kid ourselves. Like every person on this planet, I was always curious, and all the blockers my parents set up fell away quickly, without their knowledge.) Like any person that becomes addicted to something, I quit many times, once for a whole year, for months, many times. I buried my head in the Torah to save myself as best I could. But it always came back. Going against everything I’d ever learned, I continued. I slowly trained myself to shut G-d out whenever I wanted to. That led me to more and more aveiros, rachmono litzlan.

Without going into detail, suffice it to say that I’m terribly ashamed of myself, because I am not a loyal Jew anymore. But all this is secret. I allow none of it to show through. As much as I want to help myself, I’ve realized I can’t, but I can’t get help either; I can bring myself to discuss my dark side with no one. The only difference between me and others who went off the derech, is that because I am afraid to face the people who would lose respect for me, I pretend to toe the line. And therefore, I am unhelpable. There are, hundreds, maybe thousands of yeshiva guys who are seriously addicted to a secret life such as mine. I know. I see it. It takes one to know one. You can imagine what kind of rocky futures are awaiting us.

I read all The Jewish Observer articles on the evils of the internet. I want this letter to be published to say, you have no idea how prevalent and far reaching the effect already has been, and will continue to be. What you do see is less than the tip of the iceberg. My question to you is, how do I get out? Is this a behavioral addiction that only a psychologist could help? Can I turn to a rebbi (and avoid involving my parents)? Or is there a way I can help myself? Without being overdramatic, you are reading the last gasp of a drowning soul.

Below is Rabbi Twerski's initial response to this letter. However, Rabbi Twerski read out this letter at a parlor meeting for GYE in 2010 and commented as follows (transcript word for word): 

I had nothing to answer him. GuardYourEyes wasn't around then. This was before GYE's time. If I get this letter tomorrow, or something like this, I have an answer to him. There are very few people to whom I can refer to in terms of therapy, but even a good therapist in addiction can do nothing without a powerful support group. That's the nature of addiction. That's true of alcohol, of drugs, of food addiction, of compulsive gambling, of sexual addiction, and it's true of this. But to make matters worse, we don't have many therapists that are adequately trained for this. And if I get a letter like this tomorrow, I have where to send them to. This letter was extremely provoking to me because I felt helpless. But that was years ago. But now I can do something about it. Baruch Hashem we have Guardyoureyes.

Having had some experience in addiction, I know that addictions never stay still; they always progress and get worse. And unfortunately, in many addictions – in alcohol and in drugs, we can’t do anything until the person hits bottom. He has to get into some kind of crisis. Unfortunately, I know the crisis is going to come, and again unfortunately, by the time the crisis comes, the family life may be over with. The number of divorces that are happening because women feel betrayed because their husbands are looking at pornography (is very high). It’s very, very difficult for that kind of wound to heal.

But for those who are interested in getting better, we now have a source of help in Guard Your Eyes.

It is so difficult for a person to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous; they don’t want to be seen or identified, imagine if they have to go to a meeting where there is going to be a clear identification of their involvement in a sexual problem. Who is going to go to a meeting of SA and identify themselves?

Furthermore, not all of these people need SA. You know, it’s like sending a criminal to jail where he can learn more things about how to commit a crime. And if you have somebody with an earlier problem with sexual addiction, like pornography, if he picks up the wrong company, he can get worse.

So, Guard Your Eyes has a method, to put people in touch with each other where they can remain anonymous. You can have group meetings without anybody knowing who you are. You can talk to people to give you chizuk. And there is now a part for the spouse of the internet addict, to help her with what she has to go through, and hopefully to be able to save marriages.

There is one letter that I did not bring along, from a young man who says how wonderful it is that now their marriage is back on track, and as a result of Guard Your Eyes their marriage has been saved.

So, as the Rosh Yeshiva said, we are talking about an affliction that is hitting thousands of families and if it not going to be addressed, if it’s going to be swept under the rug, not only the families will suffer but the children will grow up in undesirable conditions.

So, I don’t know that there has ever been a more serious problem in Klal Yisroel’s kedushah than that which we have now. And the only weapon we have against it, the only one, is Guard Your Eyes. [And that’s why it’s a pikuach nefesh.

So, I believe that anybody who has a chelek in this mitzva is really doing something for netzach Yisroel. And it’s everywhere, the idea of doing away with the internet is like doing away with the telephone – it can’t be done. We just have to find methods of being able to save people, and that’s what we are here for.

Thank you for listening]

Rabbi Twerski's initial response in the Hamodia column:

The community owes you a debt of gratitude for your courage in bringing up a very severe problem. Your personal experience strongly reinforces the alarm by the Gedolei haTorah about the dangers of the internet. The words of Shlomo HaMelech certainly apply here: “Those who go there do not return; they will not reach ways of life” (Mishlei 2:19).

It is important that people who use the internet for business purposes (in accordance with the guidelines set by Gedolim) should not give in to their curiosity for even a single time. You are absolutely correct in calling the internet indulgence an addiction. Once a person is exposed to it, it is like taking a powerful drug, which can addict a person in a single use. From thereon, the person may be sinking in quicksand. As in your case, struggling against the addiction is like struggling to emerge from quicksand. One is truly helpless, and the internet can pull one down into physical, as well as spiritual, death. One must avoid it like poison.

In addition to its toxicity, any behavior done in stealth that one would not do in presence of others is essentially a denial of the presence of Hashem.

You raise the question, what can those people do who have tragically fallen into the trap? Again, the similarity to other addictions provides the answer. Addiction to alcohol or other substances generally does not respond well to psychotherapy or psychiatric medications. The most effective help is with a support group, when people who share a common problem get together to share strength, hope and courage. “One person shall help his fellow, and to his brother say, ‘Be strong’” (Isaiah 41:6).

The problem is that because a person might fear that attending a support group may expose his problem, there may be resistance to attending one, which might provide the most hope for help. While this is understandable, the consequences of not overcoming the problem are far worse. Furthermore, if Yankel meets Moshe at a support group, he is not going to tell anyone, because he does not wish to reveal that he, too, has this problem.

Very few therapists have had training in this particular area, but efforts are now under way to correct this, with the guidance of Gedolim.

If you contact Hamodia, they can give you the title of a self-help book.

The Power of Group Support (Hamodia)

Significant success has occurred with participation in a support group. There is good reason why this is so. Rashi (Vayikra 26:8) says that there is no comparison between a few people doing a mitzvah to many people doing a mitzvah. The Torah says that one person can ward off 20 enemies, and 100 people can ward of 10,000. In other words, the group increases one’s effectiveness five times! Whatever the reasons may be for the greater effectiveness of a group, it is a fact.

There are a number of support groups available, including single-gender groups. It is also possible for several people to start a group and adopt a recovery program which has no hashkafah problems. Many groups have started with three people, and as the word spreads, it develops into a large group.

The prophet says, “Each person helps a friend, and to one’s fellow one says, ‘Be strong’” (Isaiah 41:6). When people work together on a common problem, there is greater strength and motivation.

Coming to Terms with low Self-Esteem (torahweb.org)

Often, a major factor in the cycle of addiction is the perception of low self-esteem and shame that feeds on itself as a result of the acting out behaviors. These feelings of worthlessness lead to further falls, resulting in a destructive cycle. Rabbi Twerski often quipped that he didn't write tens of books, he just wrote one book about "Self-Esteem" in many different ways. In this eye opening article, Rabbi Twerski addresses the disorder of low self-esteem and gives us a peek into his own struggle with this issue.

Emotional disorders may be roughly classified into two groups. (1) Disorders thought to be primarily of biochemical origin, such as depression and related conditions. These are generally treated with psychotropic medications, and the results are often dramatic. (2) Disorders thought to be of psychological origin, which may not respond to medication, and whose treatment is primarily psychotherapy. Of course, there are hybrid cases where both factors are involved.

Psychotherapy may be prolonged. Typically, the therapist seeks to uncover experiences in the client's past which may have impacted on one's emotions. Using various techniques, the therapist tries to correct faulty impressions and undo their effect.

While the majority of clients are satisfied with the results of therapy, there is still an appreciable number who feel that the therapy leaves something to be desired. Although the primary symptoms were relieved, they may complain of a poorly defined residual uneasiness if not frank depression, which does not respond to anti-depression medication. This may affect domestic and social relations as well as education and occupation.

While the presenting symptoms may improve, it is clear that the client is still not back to 100% emotional health, and the therapist realizes that there is little more he can do. He may begin to think of the client as having a personality disorder, albeit not well-defined. I found myself diagnosing many clients as suffering from "low self-esteem." In 1978 I wrote a book, Like Yourself, and Others Will, Too, aimed at improving one's self concept.

Conventional wisdom is that low self-esteem is generally due to poor parenting, i.e., failure of the parents to show adequate appreciation of the child, or deprivation of love due to circumstances, such as parental absence or illness. There are a host of negative occurrences that can cause a child to lose faith in oneself. Therapy may be able to reinterpret traumatic events and build self-confidence.

I tried my utmost to help people overcome their low self-esteem, but I was only partially successful.

However, I had to come to terms with my own low self-esteem. The problem here was that I could not point to any factors which I could incriminate as causative. I had a wonderful childhood, and my parents were extremely loving and caring. In addition, I had a nanny, a childless woman who "adopted" me and saw to it that I lacked for nothing. The sun rose and set on me. I was bright and succeeded at everything I did. I was a chess champion at age eight. I was specially promoted several times and graduated high school at sixteen. I should have felt on top of the world.

Instead, I felt I was unlikable. I had to do things that would make people appreciate me. I became a "people-pleaser." I did some crazy things to gain attention. My sensitivity was extreme. When I gave sermons on Saturday, I was dependent on the accolades from the worshippers. If they were not forthcoming, I was crushed. But the approval and recognition I received from my accomplishments gave me only momentary relief.

I graduated medical school with honors. I became director of the psychiatric department of the hospital I wrote many books, but nothing changed. The feelings of unworthiness ate away at my guts. This was an enigma, and there was nothing I could do to shake off this feeling.

At about age sixty, I came across a novel interpretation of a verse in Psalms by Rav Simcha Zissel Ziev, a foremost mussar authority. Conventional wisdom is that the yetzer hara is a force created by Hashem to deter people from observing the Torah. The yetzer hara operates by tempting people to violate the Torah, and we must do battle all our lives to resist the wiles of the yetzer hara. Torah-observant people follow a life style of obedience to Hashem's dictates. One can rather easily identify the ideation wrought by the yetzer hara. When a person feels tempted to partake of non-kosher food, or to work on Shabbos, to steal, to have a forbidden relationship or to do anything that the Torah forbids, one can be aware that this is the work of the yetzer hara and one can utilize the Torah tools to resist it.

Rav Simcha Zissel addresses the verse in Tehillim (118:13) "Pushed, I was pushed to fall, but Hashem helped me". He comments that in addition to tempting a person to violate the Torah, the yetzer hara may delude a person to think poorly of oneself. There is an internal force inside of him that seeks to crush him by making him feel inferior and inadequate. This force is the yetzer hara. There is no frank violation of the Torah in this, and as with every delusion, one is taken-in by this false belief. A person may seek psychological help to improve his self-esteem, but the psychologist cannot counter the power of the yetzer hara.

A poor self-image is the source of many evils. Rabbeinu Yonah says that gaavah, the worst personality trait, is a defense against a poor self-image. The person creates grandiosity to counteract his low self-esteem (Rabbeinu Yonah Al haTorah). The desire to control others is also the same. Having power over others may reduce the feeling of inferiority, and this is responsible for many marriage problems. Some people lie to inflate their ego.

Both underachievement and overachievement maybe due to low self-esteem. The underachiever lacks self confidence and resigns oneself to failure. The over-achiever seeks to prove that she/he can excel. Any grade less than 100% is taken as evidence of one's inability to perform properly.

There is a paradox of low self-esteem. Highly gifted people may have a lower self-esteem than less-endowed people.

Rav Simcha Zissel's insight explains this phenomenon. A person with meager personality strengths is not going to be given a whopper of a yetzer hora, whereas someone with great assets may be given a more powerful challenge. Hence, the more capable person may actually have deeper feelings of inferiority.

Personal achievements may not eliminate the pain of a poor self-image. One industrialist who was a pillar of the community, confided, "One wall in my house is covered with tributes and plaques. They mean nothing to me."

Indeed, the suffering we experienced in the desert and with the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash have their origins in a poor self image. The spies of Moses said, "We saw giants in Canaan, and we felt as tiny as locusts, and that's how we appeared to them." The Chiddushei Harim said, "The way you feel about yourself is how you assume others perceive you."

Simcha is essential for true avodas Hashem. The yetzer hara scores a major triumph by making a person feel unworthy, which deprives one of simcha.

A psychotherapist can help you deal with those reality factors that are causative of low self-esteem, but he/she cannot help you in the battle with the yetzer hara. It is crucial that when you find yourself with feelings of unworthiness and inferiority that you remind yourself that this is the work of the yetzer hara to disable you. Use the sifre mussar to counteract this.

Always remember the words of the Talmud, "Beloved are the people of Israel, for they are described as the children of Hashem" (Pirkei Avos 3:18). The yetzer hara is at work 24-7-365 to make you forget this. Don't allow it to succeed. Pray to Hashem for His help in resisting the wile of the yetzer hara. Only intense tefilla can be effective.

The feelings of inferiority and inadequacy are a delusion wrought by the yetzer hara to disable a person. The first line of defense is to refuse to accept the yetzer hara's ideas. This is extremely difficult. I suggest comparing in to the "phantom limb" phenomenon.

A person who has had a leg amputated may complain of pain in his non-existing toes. He can see that he has no leg, but still feels the toes. It is essentially a hallucination and delusion. Some medications and treatments may help. Eventually the phenomenon disappears. It is most difficult to accept that he has no foot, even though he sees it.

When the yetzer hara causes the delusion of inferiority, it is very difficult to deny its reality. It takes a great deal of emunah to do so. If a person has sincere trust in someone, he can accept that someone's opinion that his feelings of inferiority are delusional. The verse that R' Simcha Zissl cites is the answer, "Pushed, I was pushed to fall, but Hashem helped me" - Hashem continuously does many good things for us, e.g. give us life, health, family, a roof over our heads, a job, etc. He sees each of us as worth having around and supporting. Intense tefilla, in which we must ask Hashem to help us see ourselves in the positive light that He sees us, is necessary.

A person may also have feelings of low self-esteem which are due to circumstances such as deprivation of love and failures. These may be overcome with psychological help. I addressed these in my books "Life's Too Short", and "Ten Steps to Being Your Best".

Possible articles to add to book:

http://torahweb.org/torah/2010/parsha/dtwe_shoftim.html

The human intellect can be ingenious in gratifying one’s cravings, and we must be on the alert for these self-deceptive mechanisms... Life is full of pitfalls, and the yetzer hara clouds our vision so that we do not see them. Again, Shlomo Hamelech says (Mishlei 1:17), “The bird that sees the bait does not realize that the net is a trap.” In my work treating addiction I regularly see people who were lured by the bait and did not consider the trap. Overlooking a trap, however, is not unique to an addict, which is why we all need the aforementioned advice of the wise.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2010/parsha/dtwe_balak.html

Balak: We are often victims of self-deception. When we have a desire to do something, the defense mechanisms in our subconscious minds can develop ingenious reasons why what we wish to do is right and proper. This is termed rationalization. We concoct logical reasons for what we wish to do and we believe them, and if criticized, we vigorously defend our mistakes.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2010/parsha/dtwe_behalos.html

Parshas B'haaloscha: When the Torah says, "Moshe heard the people weeping in their family groups "(ibid. 11:10), Rashi says they were weeping because the Torah forbids some intra-family marriages. That is why they were dissatisfied, but that is not what they said. They attributed their dissatisfaction to the manna. Moshe's attitude was, "Let them be truthful and tell me what it is that they want, and I can deal with it. But if what they really want is to lift the restrictions against intra-family marriages, but they don't admit it, how can I deal with them? If I give them all the meat in the world and all the fish in the sea, they will still not be satisfied, because that is not what they want."

http://torahweb.org/torah/special/2009/dtwe_reality.html

So, Descartes tells us that we may all be hallucinating, and Rebbe Yeruchem says that we all live one massive delusion. Whereas we need not live our lives according to Descartes' philosophy, Rebbe Yeruchem says that we must free ourselves of Satan's delusion. The only true reality is what Torah says is true. Everything else is delusional.

Ramchal in Mesilas Yesharim says that we were placed in a world replete with nisyonos (trials and tests). Rebbe Yeruchem says that accepting what Torah says as the true reality and resisting the Satanic delusion is the nisayon with which we are all tested.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2009/parsha/dtwe_chayey.html

Many relationships begin with two people falling in love. While this seems to be perfectly logical, listen to what George Bernard Shaw said: "When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most illusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part." Even if they do not take a formal oath to that effect, they probably believe that their passion will be eternal.http://torahweb.org/torah/special/2006/dtwe_materialism.html

The frum world is suffering its share of casualties from the influence of the prevailing hedonism in our environment. This is partially responsible for the unprecedented numbers of failed marriages, with either spouse (or both) feeling that the relationship is not providing the gratification they desire. While marriage should indeed be a source of mutual gratification, the basis and goal of marriage should be spiritual, as is indicated by the very first berachah after the couple is joined in wedlock, shehakol bara lichvodo, that all creation is to bring greater glory to Hashem, and that should be the primary goal of the marriage.

Young people mimic the adult population. The number of young people who seek the high of alcohol or drugs are seeking the pleasure in life to which they feel entitled. Both young and old are increasingly falling victim to compulsive gambling, seeking the thrill, but ending up with catastrophic debts and frank criminal acts to support their gambling. And both young and old fall into the trap of internet addiction, whether to constantly surfing the web, playing video games, or indulging in pornography.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2009/moadim/dtwe_15av.html

The message of Tu b'Av makes it the greatest of all yamim tovim. "Charm is false and beauty is empty; the woman who fears Hashem is praised." When a relationship is based primarily on personal gratification, it is "false and empty," void of the ingredients that can make it an enduring and happy marriage.

http://torahweb.org/torah/special/2009/dtwe_histapkus.html

The message of consumerism is that "without this, you cannot be happy." Falling prey to consumerism is dangerously similar to the bottomless pit of drug addiction, where there is never any gratification that endures for more than minutes. Indeed, many youngsters, even youngsters from frum families, who have fallen into the trap of drugs were looking for the happiness of which consumerism convinced them they had been deprived.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2009/parsha/dtwe_nitzavim.html

Having treated thousands of alcohol and drug addicts, the answer became obvious. In active addiction, the person pursues the object of his addiction with a ferocity that is unparalleled. He will do anything to attain what he feels is the greatest good in life, although it is in fact the greatest curse. One recovered addict said, "The worst day of my recovery is far better than the best day of my addiction." However, the desire for the chemical blinds the addict to reality.

Whereas the lethality of chemicals is obvious to the non-addict, there are other desires that are no less lethal, but their toxicity is more subtle. The Talmud says, "Jealously, lust and glory remove a person from the world" (Ethics of the Fathers 4:28). "Remove a person from the world" should be taken literally. These are insatiable drives, and unless a person puts firm limits and tight restraints on them, their pursuit may take one's life. Yet so many people pursue these drives, as deluded as the addict that they will bring one happiness. Yes, there may be momentary pleasures in gratifying these drives, just as the addict has a fleeting "high" from his chemical, but the long term result is anything but happy.

(Torahweb.org)