Phased Reduction

See The Battle of the Generation Ch. 12 - Quitting Cold Turkey vs. Quitting Gradually

Phased Reduction

by Avi Landa

Disclaimer

It should be clear by now that the approach we are advocating for is what some in the secular world refer to as “phased reduction”. This is in contrast to what some people refer to as “cold-turkey”. If a bochur is not able, or not willing yet, to stop engaging in these behaviors, we should not be giving up on him. In our experience, it is rare for a bochur struggling with zera levatala to be able to stop cold-turkey. We will soon detail the application of phased reduction to the challenge of zera levatala. First a disclaimer, we never tell a bochur that what he is doing, if it is a behavior prohibited by the Torah or Chazal, is permissible. We always emphasize that while we might only be working for the time being on a certain goal of frequency, delay, or interruption, or using a strategy to vanquish porn consumption, ultimately the goal is to stop all prohibited behaviors, not simply decrease them. We are simply working with him at his pace. It is important to understand the difference between "compromise, which is absolutely forbidden, and gradualism, which is acceptable and unavoidable." (Rav Matisyahu Salomon, With Hearts Full of Faith (Mesorah, 2002), pp. 264-266). Hashem wants us to try our best in any given challenge, and we are trusting the bochur to make the best possible assessment of what he is capable of towards moving through and growing in the teshuva process. If stopping cold-turkey would seem impossible for the bochur and has been tried by him, on his own, many times before without success, perhaps success will come through phased reduction. As is true with every aspect of life affected by halacha, and as we have done, a competent halachic authority should be consulted.

Pornography: Cold-Turkey

Due to the multi-leveled destruction of porn consumption, we see it as far more important to cease such behaviors as quickly as possible. Much of the phased reduction regarding zera levatala will be diminished and possibly even reversed so long as pornography is a part of the picture. I sometimes like to compare this to what Chazal describe as cleansing oneself in a mikvah while holding onto something impure. Still, if it seems impossible to get to a dramatic decrease or hopefully cessation of porn consumption in the short term, phased reduction would have to be used.

Based on this distinction in approach between zera levatala and porn consumption, we would recommend taking immediate actions towards the cold-turkey cessation of porn consumption. These can include, filters (see Technology Awareness Group - TAG as a great frum resource, as well as GYEs filter division), time limits and limitations on the location of the devices used to access such material. Having the parents involved at this level can be very helpful. Even if the parents are not yet aware of the problem, a bochur can still more innocuously tell his parents that their rebbi mentioned how important it is for every bochur to make sure the devices within their reach, are safe. Thus, those devices should have filters, and other devices should be out of their easy reach. Of course, all of this only helps, assuming we are dealing with a bochur who wants to be helped. Filters and the like, only make it more difficult to access, never impossible.

One additional tool can be for the bohur to use an interruptive action, making it more likely that he will not engage in porn consumption. For example, if he feels the urge to look at pornography, he should first make sure to learn or say tehilim/daven for a few minutes. Alternatively, he could exercise, or socialize with a friend. It could even be established that if he tries all of these and still feels he is on the verge of stumbling, he should call and leave a voicemail for the rebbi who is helping him, simply saying that he is trying hard but is coming close to stumbling. This is another attempt to wake up his awareness and true inner desire to overcome this urge. While the rebbi might try to be available to convince the bochur not to proceed, often he will be unsuccessful, and he will not always be available. We need to find ways for the bochur to succeed without the direct involvement of the rebbi.

There is one final suggestion that can yield consistent successful results regarding ceasing porn consumption cold-turkey. If all else fails, and despite all the above efforts (and only if the bochur went through all the above efforts first), the bochur could be encouraged to use “refraction” to his benefit. Refraction is the scientific term for the time-period after zera comes out when the desire subsides. For some men the desire is virtually non-existent for 20 minutes or more. For others, the time-period could be shorter. Either way it is part of what makes this whole tayva so guilt provoking. Almost simultaneous to the climax of pleasure, there is a keen awakening to the wrong doing, due to the confusion of the tayva immediately dissipating. The tayva for porn consumption is often linked to the ultimate tayva connected to the zera coming out. Thus, if the bochur is about to turn on that device in that secluded location, view porn, and masturbate, he should enter a different room and be motzi zera there while not watching porn. This will immediately but temporarily vastly lessen and probably stop his desire to view porn. With his newfound clarity of mind, he should take multiple steps to reduce how easy it would be to eventually view porn. He should change his surroundings, location, or location of the device etc., to protect himself from stumbling.

Finally, in any situation that the bochur does stumble, he should be encouraged to write down or voice record his thoughts and feelings immediately after stumbling. He could then use this as one more tool to read or listen to when the urge arises. Once again, if the bochur is still struggling with feeling like he is a bad person (shame), then these activities would be counterproductive, and even potentially damaging. Please see “Note” above.

Zera Levatala: Phased Reduction

Due to the impossibility of decreasing the ease of access to zera levatala, and the often-powerful temptation for it, we find that usually someone struggling with this challenge cannot simply gain the inspiration and willpower to stop cold-turkey. Of course, if a bochur has never tried to really stop before, starting with a chart gives him the more focused opportunity to do so. Thus, in reality, start with a chart can and occasionally does, raise the bochur’s awareness and desire to stop sufficiently, for him to decrease the stumbling to a rare occasion, or to cease completely. We should keep in mind that some bochurim are not struggling with this challenge, and some are only struggling on rare occasion. Most of these bochurim will not feel the need to approach us. Usually the bochur that approaches us for help is struggling at a level where simply charting the behavior will not be the solution but only the first step towards the solution. Ultimately the goal is to decrease the frequency of stumbling. If for example, a bochur is stumbling with zera levatala three times a week, an initial goal might be to aim for two times that week. It can be reiterated that if the bochur is on track for only one stumble that week, there is no permission for him to stumble one more time; see the disclaimer at the beginning of this section entitled, Set Goals.

This is the decrease part of decrease and delay, elaborated on in the general discussion on self-control. We would also want to set as a goal, to never give-in to the urge immediately without delay (see the general discussion on self-control). In addition, defining a delay of either an amount of time, or an interruptive action (briefly mentioned regarding avoiding porn consumption, and elaborated on in the general discussion on self-control) or some combination of both can be helpful. Examples of interruptive actions can include, running up and down the steps, exiting the shower, drying off, putting on pajamas/clothes, running outside (exercise), engaging in conversation and activities with friends, learning/saying tehilim/davening, writing, reading, going into a different room, calling and leaving a voicemail etc.; be creative. As mentioned in the general discussion on self-control, using alternative actions can tap into the power of habit. Additionally, it is important to discuss healthy objectives and outlets that interest the bochur. For example, I have had a few cases where the bochur had an easier time resisting temptation when it was his turn to prepare and give chabura. Being involved in projects and in general staying busy, can be very helpful.

Every decrease and delay can and should be recorded in the chart. These decreases and delays can be seen as mini-goals towards the ultimate goal of total cessation. A review of the concepts regarding the strengthening of the mental muscle of self-control is in order here (see Part 1). Every mini-goal should be complimented and to an extent celebrated. We need to find smaller successes to celebrate, as a way to energize the bochur towards larger successes, and ultimately properly maintaining kedusha.

The Windows Method

by #HashemHelpMe

For the guys that were really really hard time. I've used them the house of windows, which is that you tell a guy you like to do it twice a week, Monday night, and Wednesday night, and Motzoei Shabbos, between 10:00 AM and 12:00 PM once each time. And then from that, we're going to move to once each week.

I had some guys that worked very, very well with. And I have the haskama of Rabbonim as long as the goal is to stop, obviously.

Then after 3-4 weeks, you tell the guy:

- "Let me ask you a question. If you had a terrible urge Tuesday, because you were by a wedding, how do you control yourself?"

- "I tell myself I don't need to do it right now".

- "So if you don't need to do it right now, why do you need to do it tomorrow? So let's make it twice a week. And do that for 3-4 weeks."

Then you can get it down to once a week. This can be done with yishuv hadaas, there's no rush.

At that point the the guy usually stops on his own.

Now that doesn't mean that 35 day later, you won't masturbate once because something happened.

Most people (unless they are serious addicts) are able to stick to the Windows idea if necessary and it get to the point where they say, "Hey, I don't really need this. And if I do, I know exactly what I'm doing it. It's not a necessity."

Dealing with resistance

• See Beliefs about Urges

• I tell people, your ___ doesn't have its own brain. When I was a bochur I wanted to cut it off. I looked at it as a davar mufrad that was ruining my life. This ___ thing is just ruining my life. It's destroying it. I used to masturbate 3x a day. And I got mamosh sick from it. Terribly, terribly anxious. It was destroying my life. I was like it had it's own name, its own brain, its on everything. And it's not true. It's just totally not true. The problem is getting the person to realize it's not true. This takes a lot of chizuk and a lot of repetition, a lot of just reminding them again and again. #HHM

Torah Sources

"See Rav Matisyohu Salomon, With Hearts Full of Faith (Mesorah, 2002) regarding Balei Teshuvah who are unable to instantly give up bad habits, where he distinguishes between "compromise, which is absolutely forbidden, and gradualism, which is acceptable and unavoidable." pp. 264-266.