Difference between revisions of "What it feels like to reach 90 days"

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'''How do you even come close to understanding this momentous - yet still so small of an accomplishment - at the same time? My gratitude is immense, and I will forever remember these 90 days probably more then any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I found "living". I feel like a four year old that just got to open up his biggest birthday present. The only difference is, that instead of getting a toy or a video game, I received something better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming with my deepest and most honest feelings.'''
 
'''How do you even come close to understanding this momentous - yet still so small of an accomplishment - at the same time? My gratitude is immense, and I will forever remember these 90 days probably more then any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I found "living". I feel like a four year old that just got to open up his biggest birthday present. The only difference is, that instead of getting a toy or a video game, I received something better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming with my deepest and most honest feelings.'''
 
===The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint===
 
===The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint===
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''"SilentBattle" is one of the most active and inspiring members on our forum for the past half a year or so. In honor of his recent engagement, he sent us his inspiring story about his journey to recovery. Besides for being able to learn a lot from his story, we all need to learn from his selfless dedication to helping others. He literally spends hours posting chizuk to other struggling members almost every day!''
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I signed up for the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started keeping a journal on the forum of my thoughts, my progress and the tests I was facing. I read about other people's tests on the website and forum, and I began learning different approaches to this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt part of something special. Here was a group of people, possibly the only one in the world, fighting against this. When I had a victory, there were people who rejoiced along with me. When I was having trouble seeing things clearly, there were people to help guide me. When I was feeling down, there were members of the forum that encouraged me, let me know that they cared, let me know they were there for me. And slowly, slowly... it worked. I [...] The weeks passed, and I'd been clean for a month! I was shocked!
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''Thank you SilentBattle, and a big MAZAL TOV! May you build a true Bayis Ne'eman bi'Yisrael.''
 
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by Silent Battle
 
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I grew up in a frum family, relatively Yeshivish, though I did watch movies occasionally. I went through standard adolescent turbulence but turned out OK, boruch Hashem. I learned in Yeshiva for a bunch of years, and enjoyed learning. However, from the time I was young, I had a major issue with being mz"l (masturbation). When I was younger, I would buy magazines, and more recently, I used online porn.
 
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Then, a few years ago, things got worse. Much worse. With shidduchim not going well, and most of my friends married, I felt very alone, and I actually began meeting live women to satisfy my emotional and physical "needs." This went on for a while. I knew it was wrong, it went against everything I knew; everything I wanted to be. Occasionally I would stop. I'd delete my email account, erase all the numbers of the women I'd known... but it only lasted for a while. There was a part of me that wished I would get caught, because I knew that despite the suffering and embarrassment that it would cause, it would be worth it if it got me to stop this terrible behavior. However, I couldn't actually bring myself to say anything to my Rebbe. I couldn't even bring myself to daven for my Rebbe to find out.
 
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But I guess Hashem heard my heart's prayers, even if I couldn't articulate them. My Rebbe did find out, and he confronted me. He recommended that I use GuardYourEyes, along with therapy.
 
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My first goal was to put an end to my unhealthy relationships, which I did immediately. When my therapist recommended though, that I practice complete abstinence, including masturbation, I wasn't sure. After all, that wasn't the main problem, and I honestly didn't think I'd be able to handle it. For years, I'd never been able to stop my practice of being mz"l for any appreciable amount of time. But I figured I'd try it.
 
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I signed up for the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started keeping a journal on the forum of my thoughts, my progress and the tests I was facing. I read about other people's tests on the website and forum, and I began learning different approaches to this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt part of something special. Here was a group of people, possibly the only one in the world, fighting against this. When I had a victory, there were people who rejoiced along with me. When I was having trouble seeing things clearly, there were people to help guide me. When I was feeling down, there were members of the forum that encouraged me, let me know that they cared, let me know they were there for me. And slowly, slowly... it worked. I showed up by my next therapy session and realized that I'd been clean for a week! The weeks passed, and I'd been clean for a month! I was shocked!
 
  
 
I'd learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it. And whenI shared this with everyone on the forum, they celebrated along with me in this too.
 
I'd learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it. And whenI shared this with everyone on the forum, they celebrated along with me in this too.
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I put all dating on hold, while I worked on getting clean. After being clean for several months, I began dating again. B"H, the very first girl I dated, I became engaged to. This was partially due to my new, healthier outlook, both towards life in general and towards myself. But I am absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's immediate response to my Teshuva.
 
I put all dating on hold, while I worked on getting clean. After being clean for several months, I began dating again. B"H, the very first girl I dated, I became engaged to. This was partially due to my new, healthier outlook, both towards life in general and towards myself. But I am absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's immediate response to my Teshuva.
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I ''also'' have no doubt that I would not be where I am today without the help of all the amazing people on GYE. I can never fully express my thanks.
 
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Notes:
 
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*Getting caught
 
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*Forum
 
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*Realizing z"l is not a need
 
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*Therapy
 
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===Mazal Tov To "Jew-In-Pain" for over 100 days clean!===
 
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by Jew In Pain
 
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"JIP", as he is known for short, has had a very painful life. It started when he was molested at the age of nine. See his painful story on this page. Here is what "JIP" wrote when he reached 90 days clean:
 
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90 days! I owe a thank you to everyone for helping me get here, but the biggest thank you, of course, goes to Rabbi Guard. I don't know of anyone in our generation who has created anything as powerful as Guardyoureyes. I am totally indebted to you.
 
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I wouldn't have managed without the help of my fellow members, who gave me constant chizuk & advice. A special thanks to those who shared their personal experiences & those who were in touch with me offline. They gave their time and concern for a fellow Jew whom they don't know & most likely never will. That's real chesed shel emes. You didn't let me down in my darkest days - and there were many, days when I wished I'd never been born and was contemplating suicide.
 
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When I first joined this site, I felt like a young child. I was overwhelmed by what was going on here and what was going on in my own world. Everything seemed so far away and foreign. After a while I changed my mind-set and started moving; asking questions, getting answers, arguing about this addiction. At first, I rejected the "addiction" label. Eventually I decided, "who cares what it's called; sickness, struggle, addiction or any other sweet name? Either way, it's a blockage in a person's mind, holding him back from himself and from growing closer to Hashem".
 
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I would like to share a few things I learned, which might help others:
 
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1. A strong filter is imperative. There is no way to overcome this with open access to all the dirt on the web.
 
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2. We need a safe group of friends such as on GYE, where one may discuss, vent, ask or share with others who really understand and care.
 
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3. Understand that this addiction is VERY harmful. Get out as soon as possible!
 
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4. Feel yourself at rock bottom, and understand that you can no longer afford to fail. Believe that you can do it!
 
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5. Honestly analyze yourself and realize that this may require outside help such as a therapist, an understanding rabbi, an older friend, etc. In most cases, this behavior stems from some other problem within you that caused this addiction.
 
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Guardyoureyes often mentions that it takes 90 days to break a habit. I am not sure how it works and I really ''don't care'' how it works; all I know is that it does. I now have only a very tiny urge to go back to the old bad stuff such as porn and masturbation. I no longer see it as "my problem solver" anymore, and I look back on all the years I was doing it with disgust.
 
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Does it mean that I am never going to fall back? Not necessarily, but at least I now have the will to succeed. I know that in order not to fall, I need to keep my eyes and mind as clean as possible.
 
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I have also learned over these three months that Hashem is in control. Turn to Him whenever you feel down. He doesn't charge, is within reach anytime and anywhere. All it takes are a few simple words from your heart. I cried to Him many times over this period and always felt much better afterward. Picture Hashem standing next to you, watching everything you do. And know that he is proud of you!
 
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*Social Support
 
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*Stimulus Control
 
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*Surrender
 
 
===I Have Come Home===
 
===I Have Come Home===
 
by Ovadia
 
by Ovadia
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Thank you HaShem for bringing me to GYE, and thank you Guard for being a true Shaliach.
 
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Here are my thoughts at 90 days. As R' Twerski put it in his beautiful article on Pesach, when one is freed spiritually, he is thankful for every second of his freedom. GYE has made me realize that the concept of Kedusha and being part of a holy nation is not just an elusive idea for "holy" people. It is within our grasp. And for this I truly have to thank HaShem for having the Zechus of having my part in His Plan.
 
  
 
What does liberation mean to me?
 
What does liberation mean to me?
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*That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.
 
*That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.
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Contrast: Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.
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Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.
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Appreciation: I cannot express my appreciation enough to everyone here at GYE for literally saving my soul. I have received so much from you; so much Insight and understanding. But most of all support and guidance, and the feeling that in the times of darkness there are some very dear people out there who care. Thank you all so much. And of course I look forward to the grand GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor and the Leviasan!
 
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Privilege:It has been the most amazing experience to have contact with so many emotionally and spiritually deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to express my emotions and feelings without feeling inhibited or childish. And I also feel spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah different to learning and davening, but what gives more meaning and amplifies to all Ruchniyos.
 
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Yet I feel some disappointment. Here at GYE we see that everyone has their own struggles. I might be wrong but it seems that there are different levels of addicts. I feel that my own addiction was just a bad habit I could not get out of and needed to be broken. What did it take? Openness and frank confrontation with my feelings and weaknesses; getting out of isolation and realizing that there is an effective way of breaking the habit. And more than anything, a framework within which to do this and the support which I received. And that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take so long to discover something so simple? I am sure that there are so many low level addicts out there like me, that don't need therapy or SA groups, '''just a healthy perspective and attitude, support and communication, realization that you are not alone or the only one, and to be given the opportunity to talk from their heart'''. Why is the frum community continuing to deny this to themselves?
 
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The main lesson that I learned over the last few months has been to '''appreciate and be happy with what I have, and not be constantly looking at what I do not'''. All the lust and fantasizing comes from wanting just that little bit which is out of your grasp. I learnt to stop "looking" away from myself. Yes, guarding your eyes begins in the eye of your mind. If something does not interest you, then you do not lust for it.
 
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About a month into the journey, I would come to Mincha Erev Shabbos, the end of a week of being at my office and not acting out, and my heart was bursting with joy. I remember saying Aleinu and feeling how privileged I am to be part of Klal Yisroel. Today I feel less of that original excitement, but my main feeling is that I have come home. I was in a sewer unable to pull myself out. Now I am back home after all the years. I feel - relief, and also a big feeling of responsibility - never again will I be able to feel and say that something is beyond my control!
 
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Finally, no words will suffice to thank R' Guard enough for being HaShem's Shliach in saving my soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt that you will be in the front lines to greet Mashiach Tzidkainu!
 
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*Attitude (read for details)
 
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*Social Support
 
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===Like Getting Married Once Again===
 
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by Anonymous
 
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Dear R' Guard,
 
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We owe GYE a tremendous thank you. My wife and I feel like we've just been married again. Thanks to your website we've been able to tackle issues that have been haunting us ever since we were married and had effected all aspects of our marriage, and our lives.
 
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Case in point: I had become involved in your site around Pesach last year, out of personal desperation. I signed up on the 90 day chart and B"H I reached 90 without much difficulty and it was the greatest feeling I could remember feeling in a long time. Unfortunately it didn't last - fear of failure brought me down. I then struggled to rebuild the 90 days, but I couldn't reach more than 40 days or so and I'd fail again and again. I then began the climb to 90 once again, but this time with more active involvement in the forum, followed by more active, involvement in the 12 step phone conference.
 
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During this time I had an important talk with my wife about GYE, speaking about the importance of it, what a great resource it is, and how it helps me avoid the falls that can result from triggers. I did kind of play down my need for the site, out of understandable embarrassment and the pain it would cause my wife. The subject continued to come up and my wife was suggesting GYE to people that she knew who struggled with these issues or knew those who did.
 
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Recently, for the first time, she started reading some things on GYE. She read [http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/index.php%3Ftitle=Spouses Yechida's letter to a GYE wife] and cried the whole way through. She finally had some level of understanding of this struggle and we were able to talk about it more openly. The whole time she was wondering to herself how much I needed this site, to what extent I had become addicted, whether it was perhaps more than just triggers. Well - I bit the bullet and I decided to share something special with her. As Hashgacha would have it, that day was the exact day I reached 90. I clicked on the Wall of Honor link and said "that name is mine" and I showed her the WOH/90day Chart rules, and that's when we both had the feeling of being newly married once again.
 
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A tremendous thank you to you, all the members of GYE and of the phone conferences, and thank you to HKB"H who I have B"H come to know in way I hadn't known in years.
 
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All the Best,
 
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Me and my wife
 
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*Forum
 
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*12 Step Phone Conference
 
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===Mordichai's First Post===
 
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by Mordichai
 
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I got addicted when I was very young by being exposed to p*rn in various friends' homes... Before I got married I confessed my struggle to my spouse to be, and fortunately she was very understanding in spite of my addiction. Unfortunately, I still kept falling back into my addiction and kept disappointing her.
 
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I'm now 34 years old and as you can all see on the chart, I am now 72 days clean thanks to HaShem for leading me to this great website. B'ezras HaShem I will reach 90 days and beyond!!! I have good hopes that I will stop this addiction for Good but I know (as is stated in Pirke Avot) not to trust myself until the day of my death!
 
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I find the 90 day chart a very helpful tool in my lifelong battle with lust. After seeing the days I've won so far, it keeps me strong and gives me enough determination to keep going. I don't want to throw away the days I've gained so far. This is what I tell myself when the yetzer hara knocks on my door. The daily chizuk emails also encourage me and keep me focused on HaShem and make me aware of the importance of the olam haba.
 
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I want to encourage all of you who are in this struggle to keep up the fight!! And I want to close with a general call to Please, please keep the filth out of reach of children because otherwise this addiction will grab hold of them too. Prevention is the best cure!!!
 
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Note:
 
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*90 day chart
 
 
===90 Days; One Hour at a Time===
 
===90 Days; One Hour at a Time===
 
by Loi Miyaeish
 
by Loi Miyaeish
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BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there again, without Hashem's help, it would not have been possible. For over a year, I've been working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart piece by piece, but I never made it yet to ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my life. More than one person has said to me recently, "you know, you just look so happy" without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a smile on my face, but they could feel the true joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet victories.
 
BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there again, without Hashem's help, it would not have been possible. For over a year, I've been working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart piece by piece, but I never made it yet to ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my life. More than one person has said to me recently, "you know, you just look so happy" without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a smile on my face, but they could feel the true joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet victories.
  
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My story starts many years ago as a young kid, when lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery path that many others have taken; lust, porn, mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my web browser on my cell phone (that's where I had internet access from). At the beginning, I read a bit of the stuff there and decided that I just could not make it. But last summer vacation - in my desperation, I finally became a member of GYE. I used to read every chizuk email through and through. By Sukkos I had already reached almost sixty. But being back home brought back the old feelings and I really began to feel down. I fell worse than ever before, I began to mast. more often, etc.. When I returned to Israel, I tried again twice, but kept on falling. I eventually began to give up on the idea, and decided to just do 'one day at a time'. But with open internet on my phone, I was always very vulnerable to the Yetzer Hara. I tried going to therapy, but I didn't enjoy it too much (I hate psychology). It reached a point where I realized that I have to get rid of internet access, so I asked a friend to keep my phone for me. Letting go of my smart phone was not easy, it was terribly difficult, but in retrospect, it was the best move and the first stage of my recovery.
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My story starts many years ago as a young kid, when lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery path that many others have taken; lust, porn, mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my web browser on my cell phone...
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When I left GYE (for lack of internet access), a tzaddik from the GYE forum who calls himself "Silentbattle" kept in contact with me by phone. He was really wonderful and kept encouraging me. But I could just not part from my friend called 'lust'. I would listen to inappropriate phone chats and do everything besides for porn on the net. I was still badly addicted. For a period, I lost contact with Silentbattle. But in Iyar, I reconnected with him by phone. He convinced me to try and stop the other stuff I'd been doing, and I've been clean from that ever since. But from mast. I could just not stop. I fell again after fifteen days.
 
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In Tammuz, I got a new push. I'd been in shidduchim for over half a year and nothing doing. Silentbattle told me that not long after completing ninety days he got engaged, so I decided that I'd give it a try too. Another important thing he told me was to fight off the Yetzer Hara - not one day at a time - but one ''hour'' at a time. Now the y"h didn't have very much to reply to that. One hour?, c'mon, ''that'' I could handle. Those 'one hours' turned into days and finally months. B"h, the second day of Rosh Hashana was day ninety. Isn't that amazing? And the same hour that I completed ninety days, I was celebrating another family simcha. The l'chaim was for a double simcha!
 
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Yes, it took me over a year, but I think it was helpful for me to learn to stop things gradually and not in one fell swoop; it became a 'kinyan' and B"H my days today are almost entirely lust-free. B"H I've really been feeling happier.
 
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So chevra, I am known on the forum as "loi-miyaeish" (never despair) and B"H I got to ninety. The lesson is: "Al tisyaeish" (never despair) guys!
 
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I'm grateful to GYE forever for being there from the start of my journey. Good luck holy Jews, and may you all have a G'mar chasimah tovah for a year of only goodness and happiness in life.
 
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Notes
 
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*One day / hour at a time
 
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*Social support
 
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===It's Not All or Nothing===
 
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by Clean Israel
 
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Getting to 90 days clean is a great feeling, and I want to share what helped me.
 
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I had started the 90 day chart in November 2009, but I kept falling. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I would go for a few weeks - and then fall, a few weeks - then a fall.
 
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Then I realized what I had to do, I had to not make it an "all or nothing". I told myself, "you can fall 3 times over the next 3 months. You can do them whenever you want, but only three times."
 
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Needless to say, that's really what did it for me - giving me that little bit of breathing space created a world of difference for me. I fell once in the first month, but because I didn't have to go back to day one, that gave me the boost to keep on going.
 
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Before I started this, I would fall once and I would think, "what the heck, I fell today, I might as well do it a few more times before I have to start over again tomorrow." Then I'd do it 3-4 more times THAT DAY!
 
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This way, I had an incentive to stop myself after that first time, and that gave me the strength to complete a full 90 days clean. Whenever I had a pull, I'd say to myself "you only have 2 more times to fall, why not save it for some other time." And that was enough.
 
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The one thing I can say to all those people still struggling, is that it gets so much easier after you hit day 30. I guess your brain's been wired enough that you've built up enough willpower to stop yourself.
 
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The other thing I can say is that it is absolutely essential to have a strong learning seder - particularly of things you enjoy learning. I learn Daf Yomi, and that gives me an extra boost to just keep it all out of my mind and make me stronger.
 
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I also can't stress how much better my relationship with my wife has become, now that I see her as the only woman in the world ''really''.
 
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May we all have the strength to keep our desires where they belong; channeled towards our Avodas Hashem!!
 
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Notes:
 
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*Phased reduction
 
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*Delay
 
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*Yiddishkeit (Learning)
 
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===Cordnoy's 10,000th Post on his 700th Day Clean===
 
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[https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/testimonials/item/cordnoy-s-10000th-post-on-his-700th-day-clean?category_id=300 #Cordnoy]
 
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I came to this site by accident, of sorts. Yes, there were several decades of filth and smut in my days, but I always stopped, at least for a week or two, or more. Recovery and lack thereof did not consume my life. I was fine with the pattern. Of course, yamim noraim (mostly), I'd cry and beg and resolve to sin no longer. Some years I even threw in the towel and made a deal with God that I'll do lots of good in other areas and let's just hide this issue in the closet.
 
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But eventually, there was a rock bottom of sorts. That, together with a push, encouragement, threat of exposure from a woman friend of the family (whom I must have been tryin' to flirt with) put me on a course of action. And that action wasn't a snap of the fingers. And it wasn't without heartache and pain. I went 90 days sober (so to speak). I engaged a long distance therapist, a professional who is recommended by GYE. I joined SA in a city an hour away from me. I was there for about eight months. I went to a local therapist/specialist on and off for about two years. I got two sponsors, one Jewish, one not. I joined calls and eventually led calls. I have been workin' the steps in some way or another for several years. I read the big book, white book, action book and 12&12. I am on my sixth cycle. And I post as well, every once in awhile.
 
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Talkin' to live people really does wonders. Posts are different when I know the poster and they know me. It makes it more real. (This is an important point to know for anyone who spends time on the forum.) GYE gave me the opportunity to personally meet about 20 fine fellows in real life. I thank each and every one of them for their friendship, advice, suggestions, criticisms, etc. And I have had private and personal conversations with another 30 more or so... And been in touch with many tens of others...
 
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And this, my friends, demonstrates the power of GYE; it creates lastin' friendships, friends who deeply care about one another. Four years ago, I knew none of these fellows and now we are best of friends. And perhaps a couple of them I have helped on their journey, but one thing is certain - each and every one of them helped me on mine. I learned humility from one, commitment from another. Mussar, calmness, faith, prayer, carin', devotion, thoughtfulness, diligence, humor, assertiveness, resolve, confidence and more - are just some of the things that I try to apply in my daily life, and for that, I thank them all.
 
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And I must confess that when a fellow emails, calls, texts, WhatsApps, skypes, bumps into me and says, "Cords, you really saved my life, you truly helped me today, this past year would have been impossible without you, I didn't get that massage because of your text"... yes, it feels good, and my ego makes it feel even better, but it's you guys who deserve the credit. You, who set me straight to begin with, you, who showed me my flaws, you, who convinced me of my egotistical, self-centeredness, you, who paved the way for me, and you as well who gave me the opportunity to give back, to keep me honest, to constantly share life's struggles and mine in particular, so thank you.
 
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*12 Steps
 
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*Therapy
 
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*Social Support (live!)
 

Revision as of 15:59, 24 November 2020

Excerpts from How I reached 90 days

Earning the "Tzadik" crown

This morning I have felt the most amazing feelings I have felt in my life. I felt like a new person and I felt the crown of Tzaddik personally placed by Hashem on my head. I have no other way to explain it. My wife noticed a difference instantly and she exclaimed that I look like a completely new person. A whole new part of me was in the room.

I felt it so important to share with everyone. You have to realize that it won't be a breeze but that is what makes you an Olympian. This experience was so amazing for me, and I hope everyone can experience it soon.

Stay with it. It's wild on the other side.

Motivation+Battle Plan=90 days

I am finally at 90 days for the first time!

What was different about this time vs. all my previous attempts? My motivation, strategy, and mindset were the game changer. I changed my mindset to viewing this as an actual battle. No general goes to war without a plan. For this reason, I began with writing real battle plans on paper for those times I would be in the bathroom for a longer period of time. The plans mostly involved keeping my mind occupied while in the bathroom (for example, mental math), and making checkpoint voice recordings (like checkpoint #1 "on the way to victory" to inspire myself). The basic idea is seeing where I may fall and doing something about it. After a while, I B"H got stronger, not necessarily having to go to the same extent of fighting. I soon learned how to distract myself on-the-go, and moved on from there.

For strategy, I needed to stay involved every day. Not just involved, but active. For this reason, I wrote a blog of every day of this journey, made 2 WhatsApp groups, tried helping other people along the way, and opened up more.

For motivation, I just really wanted to win. I was sick of losing. I was shocked that I had fallen the last time, and told myself and G-d that I was done. This has been a goal for way too long, and I don't care if the battle gets hard, I will win! I'll plan ahead, write battle plans, and will win this once and for all!

Thank G-d, that came out to be true so far! Motivation can actually take you really far! I really hope to continue this amazing progress, going from milestone to milestone, and have an opportunity to successfully help other people in this area.

90-Day Testament

Wow! I really thought I might never get out of my bad habits. For the first time in at least 11 years, I feel like with Hashem's continued help I can really be in control of what I do, look at, and think about. The feeling of freedom is intoxicating.

One Year Clean

by Hashem Help Me

Boruch Hashem, I have passed the year-mark of staying clean, of growing, learning, accepting, listening, and getting to know some wonderful people. In a certain way, the last item on the list - getting to know some wonderful people - was and is probably the most important, and the most life-altering. Because that is why there is "cleanliness," growth, knowledge, acceptance, and some level of understanding... I became part of a family. No more was I the loser. No more was I the rasha. No more was I suffering in silence and all alone. Plus, you showed me, yes even those of you who fell very far down, - that it can be done. Some of you are super successful BH. Some are still having ups and downs. But all are growing, being more and more successful, showing me and anyone else who wants to see, that a yid in 2017 can stay clean

Beginning of a lifelong journey

I started on Recovery when I was busted by my wife. I had been acting out for more than 30 years. That first night after I was busted, I went to sleep and I knew I was in big trouble with my wife. While lying in bed, I imagined myself in Beit Din Shel Mala at the end of my life. I was in the middle of a dark room surrounded by many people watching the Din. All of my acting out was played back and I felt a great dread that my Din was LeChova and there was absolutely no escape. I felt a deep fear. This was my rock bottom.

...Throughout the 90 days, I have worked hard on davening to Hashem for help. I have found that my relationship with Hashem has progressed from a Rasha who is trying to daven to an angry disapproving Master to that of a son who is davening to his loving Father. I used to come to shul on Friday night and ask myself how I can accept the Kedusha of Shabbat after all of the acting out I have done during the week. Now I come into shul, I feel clean, I feel the Kedusha of Shabbat and I feel the love of Hashem.

One day, one step at a time

#Onestepatatime

Wow, I did it! 90 days! [...] These past 90 days were very hard. Now that I am on the other side I feel like a whole new person. I feel better about myself. My self-esteem grew immensely. I will still take it one day at a time and Be”H the next thing I know I will be dancing with all of you in the front lines greeting Mashiach!

I pray this success keeps up

I am, B'H, now 28 days clean. I cannot begin to tell you how good I feel, B'H. No more ups and downs, no more depression. My business grew a lot. I'm guilt free. I became so much closer to my wife and kids.

#Sheva Yipol Tzadik

The new month. The new beginning.

#Mal

Today is rosh chodesh Sivan and today is my 90th day of my journey. I can't believe this.

I am sitting here by my computer in a trance.

Wow! Did I really accomplish 90 days! Yup, I DID! With thanks to H' and too many other ppl to mention who all helped me pull thru. No, it wasn't an easy journey and I only got thru it living from one minute to the next. I have gained so much from this journey in all areas of my life! I have changed! I am a different person!

I was able to do this. I am strong. I can do anything! I can. This proves it. The fact that I DID 90 days. Nothing is impossible. H' has held me thru it all and continues to do so thru out every aspect of my life. He only gives me what I can handle – this is also proved to me thru the 90 days done! Life is not one rose garden. I also have to want to do it. But really want it. And it can get done! I know that when I am REALLY determined to do something I get it done! There are ups and there are downs. But I can pull myself out the downs and remain up. Life is not about circumstances but about attitude. Hey, I'm naturally a pessimist. But, I have changed. Just like the brain wiring has changed for wanting to act out then my mindset has also hopefully permanently changed to that of an optimist! Yay!

I feel it is so special that my 90th day coincides with rosh chodesh sivan. It's big. I just feel it. I'm feeling empowered. No, I do not want to act out on day 91, bh. Altho it is shabbos and shabbos for me is not a good day. But, Hashem will help me just as He has helped me til now! I trust in Him.

Hey, I just had a thought. Just like rosh chodesh is the beginning of a new month. Today is the beginning of a new life. A good one. A clean one. My neshama is proud. Whatever happens, I can handle. It's from H' and I CAN get up if I fall. I'm not planning on falling, though. All H' wants of me is to try my best and then He helps me with the rest. I have so many a&w moments! Life ain't suddenly easy. No! But my attitude is better and I am still living life minute by minute.

I accomplished 90 days! It is a huge achievement! Tons of battles which I may not have won all of them but I won the war!TY H'!

Thank You for having helped me reach my goal! But this is not the end goal.

It's the beginning of a new month. Of a new life.

I reached 90 but I'm not gonna stop. Life doesn't stop. There are still challenges. But I am stronger now. And have more tools in my arsenal.

I have also learned on this journey what is and isn't really important in life.

It has also taught me that the feeling WILL pass. Just WAIT! And the feeling really does pass!

"Hashem-Help-Me" has BH made it 90 days

Thank you for setting up this program. BH, I just hit 90 days; something I wouldn't have dared to dream about in the past. But you did so much more for me for which I will be eternally grateful. I thought I joined GYE to stop sinning. I found out I joined GYE to begin living. GYE has taught me in 90 days so much truth about myself that for years I never saw. I am growing as a person in many ways - and before never even realized I was missing so much! ( I was definitely missing humility).

GYE has taught me what intimacy is (and what it is not), and the proper perspective and behaviors in the bedroom (and everywhere else as well - in all husband/wife interactions). Your daily chizuk emails, shiurim (especially R' Simcha Feuerman's chosson shiurim), taphsic (without actual shvua), 90-day incentive chart were all very helpful.

...Personally, my thank you must go one step, actually one dimension further. As I have written in the forums, for the past few years I have had to be taking a "cocktail" of three psychiatric medications. My doctor had me come to terms that this unfortunate situation would probably be a lifelong issue. Any previous attempts to wean myself off any of these medications was met with absolute failure. After being on GYE for about one month, I felt a menuchas hanefesh that I did not know existed. Bli ayin hora I slowly dropped one medication. Of course, I went to speak this over with my psychiatrist who was so excited with my progress that b'ezras Hashem, we are now a few days into weaning me off the next medication. Despite this being a difficult process, things are BH looking good. Believe it or not, doc (who happens to be one of the most highly recommended - and expensive) actually suggested that if this phase goes well, I should attempt to drop the third after another two months without incident. (Don't worry, I am going to be super careful - I know all too well what mental illness looks like....)

Do you realize what this means?! You are giving me a new lease on life!! ...

Member 'Singularity' Reaches 90 Days Clean

Hello, GYE!

I'm so excited for having reached this point and experiencing the cleanest, most honest and most growing 3 months in my entire life, or whatever I called "life" before now. Death, perhaps.

What helped me? The forum. The dedicated, constant posters, moderators and Dov, for always-open communication channels regardless of location and profession. The forum friends didn't preach chiddushim to me, but rather made me realize that which I already knew, and motivated me to take steps I was too scared to before.

...

I believe it's important to have a mitzvas Asei (exercise, learning, something positive) in tandem with the lo ta'aseh of refraining from lustful behaviours. I've tried the latter alone in the past, especially when focusing on it meant neglecting other areas, ie overeating and not exercising, and it has not been good for me. I grow better holistically.

Victory over lust - one day at a time

So many things in my life are improving that until I came to the program, I never realized how messed up they were. My relationship with my wife and kids is starting to develop in a great way (sad sentence, as I am married 5+ years and have 3 kids, but true). I am sober over 90 days but am starting to really be able to live "one day at a time."

Yaakov

20 Years in 90 Days

This is truly wonderful! I've received a huge bracha to be able to reach this point. After a good 20+ years of addiction, I'd totally given up on ever getting near healed and simply accepted that this was my affliction in life, my pain and burden that I had to bear (along with all the knock-on effects of carrying it).

In the last 90 days, not only have I felt much better about myself, I have strived in so many areas of my life (marriage, friends, work, etc). I never knew I was capable of all of these rapid improvements! But as I started to see results, I just kept reminding myself that my self-esteem was more precious than any pain-killing image, and that's how I got to 90 days. I'm obviously very scared to slip, now that I realize how much I have to lose.

I had wonderful support from my sponsor; just knowing he was on the end of a text message or email kept me very sane. He's on the other side of the world from me, but like a true brother.

And so I say to anyone reading this who thinks it will never end: "please, please think of yourself, do yourself a massive kindness and put the shmutz down. You think you need it, you think there's no escape but it isn't true. I promise!"

Thank you, GYE, for giving me my life back after 20+ years!!!

With love

Noah

GYE truly saved me

by Ezra

"Ezra" posted on the forum:

I am in my 30's, have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this "struggle" for about 13 years. I got involved in online porn when I was in college. I started with small things that eventually led to watching things I never imagined I would look at. I couldn't stop and didn't want to. I thought marriage would help, but it didn't. I never really gave it a great effort to stop until now. I also learn daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught me twice, but being that I have developed a real provenience at hiding, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't happen again. The real kicker was last year. I was bored and stupid at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted. I decided then and there that I had enough. If I had gotten fired for that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what would have happened to my marriage. I was also having difficulty doing my work, which I attribute to difficulties associated with this problem.

...

I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of hitting day 60 yesterday. I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy.

...You GYE people truly saved me. I have a beautiful marriage and children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (no one thinks they will ever get caught). That scares the heck out of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong. Thank g-d I never hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the ability to "hit bottom while still on top". I am at day 60!! And feeling great. I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin). THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!

MAZAL TOV TO "KEDUSHA" Upon 6 Months Clean!

by Kedusha

When I discovered GuardYourEyes, my life changed immensely. With the help of the anonymous forum, daily Chizuk e-mails, handbooks and, of course, G-d, I'm no longer ridden with guilt and, therefore, am in a much better position to work on being a good husband and father. Tremendous thanks - from me and my family!

[...] I've been feeling better about myself each day, and appreciating my wife, who I am noticing is far more beautiful than the forbidden images will ever be.

I find that being clean and sober makes it much easier for me to sleep peacefully and wake up rejuvenated. It's hard to put a price on a good night's sleep, which is very important for our physical and mental health. For that alone, it is well worth it for me to stay clean.

[...]

A good night's sleep is just one of the many fringe benefits of sobriety.

Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90th day clean!

by Sci1977

Day 90 of being clean and sober. Thank you G-d, thank you G-d, thank you G-d.

How do you even come close to understanding this momentous - yet still so small of an accomplishment - at the same time? My gratitude is immense, and I will forever remember these 90 days probably more then any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I found "living". I feel like a four year old that just got to open up his biggest birthday present. The only difference is, that instead of getting a toy or a video game, I received something better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming with my deepest and most honest feelings.

The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint

I signed up for the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started keeping a journal on the forum of my thoughts, my progress and the tests I was facing. I read about other people's tests on the website and forum, and I began learning different approaches to this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt part of something special. Here was a group of people, possibly the only one in the world, fighting against this. When I had a victory, there were people who rejoiced along with me. When I was having trouble seeing things clearly, there were people to help guide me. When I was feeling down, there were members of the forum that encouraged me, let me know that they cared, let me know they were there for me. And slowly, slowly... it worked. I [...] The weeks passed, and I'd been clean for a month! I was shocked!

I'd learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled without it. And whenI shared this with everyone on the forum, they celebrated along with me in this too.

The months passed, and I learned more about myself. Looking back now after being clean for more than half a year, it's truly incredible. I've done things I never thought I'd be able to accomplish. I've completely stopped all my lust-motivated behaviors! And in retrospect, I feel that maybe Hashem put me into the situation I was in, so that now, I could end up even healthier than I was before; with the capacity to truly feel good about myself, without feeling any hypocrisy, and without having my own self-pleasuring and fantasies get in the way of real relationships in my life. And most of all, to finally be able to connect with Hashem in a true way. I don't think it's any accident that my learning has improved so dramatically since I got clean.

I put all dating on hold, while I worked on getting clean. After being clean for several months, I began dating again. B"H, the very first girl I dated, I became engaged to. This was partially due to my new, healthier outlook, both towards life in general and towards myself. But I am absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's immediate response to my Teshuva.

I Have Come Home

by Ovadia

What does liberation mean to me?

  • To go to work without constantly worrying (and knowing) am I going to act out today or will I be able to control myself?
  • Leaving work without feeling relieved that I made it through the day without acting out or frustration/guilt because tit happened yet again.
  • That I can go to sleep after my wife without diving for the ..... to act out.
  • I have learned to focus and be happy with what I have, not with what I don't.
  • That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.

Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.

90 Days; One Hour at a Time

by Loi Miyaeish

BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there again, without Hashem's help, it would not have been possible. For over a year, I've been working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart piece by piece, but I never made it yet to ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my life. More than one person has said to me recently, "you know, you just look so happy" without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a smile on my face, but they could feel the true joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet victories.

My story starts many years ago as a young kid, when lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery path that many others have taken; lust, porn, mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my web browser on my cell phone...

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