Understanding Masturbation

This page needs a lot of work.

The Prohibition

• See Zera Levatala

Approaches

Approach 1 (Current GYE Approach)

• For people who feel that they are full in control of it (more or less), focusing on this can be counterproductive, as it will increase masturbation rather than reducing it. Instead they should treat it like any Mitzvah (e.g. Lashon Hara) and focus should be on learning, life etc. If they have any concerns, they shouldn't find a trusted adult that they can speak to about it.
• For people who feel that it is out of control, we focus on the following:
  • Speak to someone about it. “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive”. When you talk to a person who you know won't judge you, it will automatically remove any unhealthy shame about it. Shame makes you feel inferior to everyone else, and it leads to you feel that there is something wrong with you. When the shame is gone, you'll feel that you're a great guy who Hashem loves, just with a problematic behavior that you need to work on.
  • Chizuk & Normalization. When speaking to someone, you'll find out that the struggle is normal. You'll also find out that you're not the only one with this issue, and there are many other top bochurim, and very choshuveh people who struggle too.
  • You'll discuss practical steps that you can do to gain control (see Interventions), and keep in touch with that person as needed. Sometimes you can gain control pretty quickly, sometimes it's more of a journey.
  • As soon as you've gotten back control, you're focus will be on living a happy life with davening, learning, friends, hobbies etc.
  • You can do basic tehuvah anytime and you can go to Mikvah too. You can also schedule a time for it once a month or so for a few minutes. But more robust Teshuva and major tikunim is something that should only be considered when the following conditions are met: (a) After marriage. (b) After you've been clean for a long time (1-2 years). Until then, working on Teshuva can a ploy by the Yetzer Hara - it causes obsession with the topic which can lead you back in to the cycle. Fasting is also never condoned.
• We don't focus on the negative effects written in Seforim, as generally GYE members have more than enough guilt already. Instead we just ask the GYE member "Why do you want to stop?" and leave it at that. We also focus on the great sechar and benefits for overcoming temptations. This way, as a member makes progress he'll feel that he can celebrate the successes, even if if he's not perfect.

Presenting the Issur to Boys

The emission of zera not in the context of marriage is called hotza’as zera l’vatala (to waste, since it is not for its intended purpose).

The Torah has instructed us that until the special context of marriage we are to try our best to avoid histaklus or hirhurim (intentional thoughts) about sexual matters. That includes any material that can bring to such things such as not-tznius stories, pictures, or videos. Similarly, it is not appropriate to discuss, joke about, or engage in any activities that can sexually excite a

person, even if zera does not come out. Also, we are instructed to avoid anything that may lead to zera coming out, such as touching the penis more than necessary, let alone specifically trying to excite it. The secular world calls intentionally stimulating one’s genitals masturbation. Despite what you may hear, physically or medically there is no harm in causing the zera to come out,

However, as we said, the Torah prohibits it.

Notes

• Teshuva is possible, see Teshuva.

Understanding the Words of Chazal

Most of those who have been nichshal have already seen the dark picture that is painted in many sefarim for someone who slipped in this area. This creates a tremendous amount of guilt and hopelessness. Quite often these feelings do more harm than good. The person gets upset by what he sees written in sefarim and then continues to act out and becomes more upset. It is therefore imperative for any person struggling with this nisayon to gain a proper understanding into the words of Chazal on this topic.

The main idea that must be conveyed is that not everything written in sefarim was intended for every person at every time. A person needs to have a Rebbi who tells him what Chazal meant and who they were addressing. If a bachur has a hard time accepting this, it can be pointed out to him that even within the words of Chazal, there seem to be various contradictions. There are some ma’amarei Chazal that give hope and chizuk, while others discuss the negativity and punishments.

Obviously there are no real contradictions in Chazal, and all of their words are true. However, the point being made here is that just as one needs a Rebbi to teach him how to understand a sugya in Shas, so, too, must one have a Rebbi to understand this sugya in hashkafah. Additionally, it’s important to emphasize that anything written in sefarim pertaining to this topic was done with one intention in mind: to get a person to stop his bad behaviors. If a bachur sees that he’s acting out more after learning from a specific sefer, or he is falling into a deeper depression, then he is obviously coming away with a message contrary to the purpose for which the sefer was written. If he then asks you what the correct understanding is, you can offer to sit down and figure out the pshat together. However, you should stress to him that whatever the pshat might be, it’s not the one that he had in mind, the proof being that his understanding is leading him in the wrong direction.

Effects of Masturbation

If a bochur asks what's the big deal, here are some things that can be shared with them:

• It is a lonely and selfish action. Hashem created this drive for the purpose of a husband and wife connecting, giving to each other, and potentially creating another life, a selfless act on so many levels. Masturbation is a corruption of the essence of the proper and intended purpose for this drive. Engaging in masturbation conditions a person to see the expression of this drive as a selfish act and can reduce the happiness one can experience in marriage. In addition, marriage benefits greatly from being exclusive (the language of “kedushin” indicates this as well)... Even experiences in these areas of kedusha with oneself, as a selfish act, take away from the specialness of these experiences being exclusive to marriage.
• It should be considered that due to the strength of this drive, it is easier for an addiction to form. Sometimes bochurim might use masturbation as an escape from a particular stress or issue in their life or psyche.

Torah Sources

• Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer Siman 23