Distraction

Distraction - by doing something else

Make a list of possible distracting activities you can engage in when you have an urge, and add it to your plan. Find something that you think can really distract you. It needs to be something interesting that will grab your attention. Pacing back and forth in the room will not do the trick... Since your mind cannot think about two things at once, the distraction will redirect your attention away from the urge and into something else.

By the time an urge kicks in, it will be hard to come up with ideas of how to distract yourself. But if you plan in advance exactly what you will do and include them in your plan, you can start a distracting activity the moment you get an urge.

Some examples are calling a friend or family member, playing a game, reading a good book exercise, or going for a long walk. Be realistic, for some people a sefer can be distracting enough. For others, they’ll need a good (kosher) movie to do the trick.

Distraction - by thinking about something else

In contrast to the distraction technique mentioned earlier, this one is about redirecting your attention by using your mind alone (cognitive only). This seems to be more helpful for low intensity urges. The benefit of this is that since it's all in your head, you can do it immediately, no matter what situation you are in. Here are some suggestions on how to do this:

Decide on three substance-free things that you will begin thinking of immediately whenever you experience a craving or urge. These will be your fallback or go-to responses whenever cravings/urges arise and can be the building blocks of a new habit. These thoughts can be of events, people, songs, phrases, or even places that are special to them in some way. Examples could be the birth of a child, earning a raise or promotion at work, or simply a loved one.

Group Treatment for Substance Abuse

What is the happiest place you can imagine? Think about being there. Think of every sensory detail—see, hear, smell, taste, and touch these.

The PERFECT Program

In The Porn Trap, the author suggests:

A simple sensory awareness exercise can help you shift your attention away from what you’ve been thinking about and on to something else in your environment. Begin by saying the phrase, “Now I’m aware of…,” and then complete it by stating something you see in your environment. For example, “Now I’m aware of the sun coming through the window.” Repeat and complete the phrase “Now I’m aware of…,” until you have identified five different things that you see. Continue the exercise stating five different things you are aware of hearing, then five things you are aware of touching or feeling in side your body. This exercise can help center you sensually in the reality of your present environment and take you farther away from the fantasy world of porn.

Dr. Thomas Horvath in his Workbook for Overcoming Addictions writes:

Deliberately shift your focus to something that is easy to stay focused on. For instance, look around you. Is there something in the room that you could count? It might be ceiling tiles, floor tiles, designs on wallpaper or paneling, window blinds, leaves of a plant, or something that you can observe through a window outside the room. Count the objects that you see as rapidly as you can. For instance, count the number of blinds that you see on a window. If you count very rapidly and as accurately as you can, you will find that other thoughts that were on your mind go away, because you are focused on the counting.

Horvath also gives the following examples:

• Subtract numbers (for instance, subtract 7 from 1,000 and get 993, subtract 7 again and get 986, subtract 7 again, and so on)
• Say the alphabet backwards
• Read words backwards (say the word correctly but read the sequence backwards: "backwards words read")
• Play the "alphabet game" by looking at license plates, book titles or a printed page and find an A, then a B, then a C, etc.
• Tighten the muscles in your body in a particular sequence, over and over (tighten your feet, then your calves, then your thighs, then your pelvis, then your stomach, then your chest, then your shoulders, then your neck, then your face, over and over again) / reach into your pocket or purse and attempt to identify coins or other objects there just by feel.

Common Distraction Ideas

• Learn Torah (listen to a good shiur, meet up with a Chavrusa, learn about a new topic)
• Call a friend or family member
• Call a supportive GYE partner
• Read a book, magazine, or sefer
• Take a walk or drive somewhere
• Play a game (Get games on your computer/phone that will fully engage your mind, and your hands…).
• Watch a Kosher (non triggering) movie
• Do some exercise (exercise also has additional benefits)
• Journal about how you're feeling
• Listen to a good music, a shiur, comedy, the radio, or chizuk.
• Visit GuardYourEyes.com
• Spend time on a hobby (write, play music, paint or draw)
• Learn something new and fun (a new skill, new language, new subject, something that can help your career or personal growth)
• Do some errands or todo's
• Do some Chessed (an act of Kindness)
• Do something relaxing (progressive muscle relaxation, belly breathing, gratitude breathing, mindfulness practice)
• Have a snack (or go buy one)
• Make yourself a delicious meal
• Reduce sexual tension: Take a cold shower. Then take another.

Torah References

Distraction is known as היסח הדעת.

Redirecting attention to neutral things

ספר חסידים אות ד' וראה שם סי' תתרמה

טעמי המצות להר"ר מנחם ריקאנטי בל"ת צ"ד

כתר ראש להגר"ח מוולאזין אות קל"ו

לקוטי מוהר"ן ח"א סי' רלג

קריינא דאיגרתא ח"א סי' טז

שו"ת אדרת תפארת ח"ג סי' ל"ב בשם בנין יוסף פ"ד

שבט מוסר פי"ב

השכרת האברכים פ"ט

תניא פרק יב

Redirecting attention to Torah

בבא בתרא טז, א וברש"י ד"ה משכהו לבית המדרש

זוהר ח"א קצ, א

רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה סוף פרק כג

שו"ע אבן העזר סי' כג סעיף ג

צל"ח ברכות ה, א

תניא פרק יב ופרק כח

קריינא דאיגרתא ח"א סי' טז

אגרות האדמו"ר מחב"ד ח"ג אגרת ד'תקמח וחלק כ אגרת ז'תצ

שומר אמונים יד, ב

דרכי החיים ח"א ע' תה

Further reading

• Cheshbon Hanefesh Lapin Ch. 108. Discusses how distracting thoughts can help (מלאכת מחשבת שיש בה תועלת). Implies that Chazal suggested focusing on Torah, because that is something that is always available.

Ozer Bigevura

[Section I, Ch. 3, Step Three: Acquire Heseich Hada’as]

This is the most important step towards overcoming this struggle. Usually, if a person is faced with a challenge, the strategy to overcome it is by working hard to get it under control. However, in this area, such a strategy will not work. In fact, the opposite is true: When a person tries to control a thought, he is essentially bringing to mind the very topic that he was trying to rid himself of, which causes his mind to explore it further. For example, if someone tells himself not to think about an elephant, then just mentioning those words will bring the image of an elephant to mind. This idea holds true both with regards to inappropriate thoughts, as well as improper sights. A bachur should always remember the Golden Rule: Any time you think about not thinking or seeing it, then “it” is already in your mind.

The following anecdote illustrates this idea:

There was once a man who was extremely careful with shemiras einayim. Whenever he went outside, he would look at the ground, so as not to inadvertently see a woman. Everything went fine and well for this individual, until the inevitable happened. To his dismay, the man inadvertently bumped into a... street pole! He immediately ran to his Rebbe with a worried look on his face and exclaimed, “Rebbe, I’m trying so hard not to look at anything I shouldn’t, and now I’ve just bumped into a woman!” The Rebbe responded, “I don’t understand. For my entire life, I’ve been trying to train myself that if I ever bump into a woman, I should think that it’s a pole. And you’ve turned every pole into a woman?!”

How, then, should one deal with inappropriate thoughts and sights? They should be treated as if they are a bag of garbage, waiting for the garbage collector to come. Just as you wouldn’t open the garbage bag to investigate if there’s something good there, so, too, a person should work on himself to consider these thoughts and sights as if they are nothing and just continue on his way. The focus should be to continue on with ‘business as usual’ without even analyzing what just happened.

At times, a person who is trying to control himself will want to double-check if he truly saw something that he shouldn’t have seen. This stems in part from curiosity and in part from an earnest desire to check whether or not he saw that which he thought he had seen. However, behaviors like these are like cheese in a mouse trap; they look innocent, but end up entrapping a person in a place he wishes he had never entered.

Even if the bachur senses that he may have thought or seen something wrong, he should not go back to check what it was. The previous Toldos Aharon Rebbe ztz”l explains this exact idea in a letter to a person who was bothered by improper thoughts. The Rebbe quoted the Satmar Rebbe ztz”l as saying: “Don’t think about what you just thought or saw. Whatever was done is considered a shogeig, but going back to check is considered a meizid.” Instead, a person should give the thoughts and urges as much significance as a speck of dirt, and not be curious about them or let them linger on in his mind.

Along this vein, there are a number of behaviors that at first glance seem virtuous, but will ultimately cause more harm than good because they cause the bachur to open up the ‘bag of garbage’. If a bachur falls into any of the following thinking patterns, then his mind can very easily be dragged into exploring this topic further. (Almost all of these ideas are mentioned by Rav Shlomo Wolbe ztz”l.)

• Being overly careful-- A person has to be cautious, but being overly careful will create more of a problem.

• Worrying that it might happen again-- Worrying that it might happen again can cause one to further act out. One should therefore distance himself from these worries and thoughts, and treat them with the same severity as he would treat the bad thoughts themselves.

• Learning what is wrong with it-- Learning about this topic increases a person’s awareness of the issue. At certain times, this may be beneficial, but it typically backfires and causes one to think about the aveirah in a detrimental way. Therefore, while studying what is wrong about it may seem like a mitzvah, it is usually just a trap.

• Thinking about how other people deal with it-- This may also sound like a valid reason to think about it, but it again is usually just a trap.

• Being involved in teshuvah right after a person does it-- Doing teshuvah soon after a person was nichshal will cause more damage than good. Even teshuvah has to have the correct time and place. (See the end of this chapter for the ideal time that teshuvah should be performed.)

• Wishing that the whole problem would end-- This desire is also a problem. The proper attitude should rather be, “I’ll deal with it when it comes, but for now, I’m not going to give it any attention and will just get busy with something else.”

Many bachurim will have a difficult time accepting the idea that they must stop trying to control their yetzer hora. A bachur might say, “What do you mean? How is it going to go away by itself? There’s an entire list of gashmiyus- and ruchniyus-related reasons for why I must stop. If I don’t try to control it, it will happen more frequently, and I’ll be in an even bigger mess! Are you trying to tell me that I should never do anything about this? Never learn any mussar about it? Never do teshuvah?!”

The response to this argument is that a person certainly has to do his utmost to make sure that nothing improper happens, and, of course, teshuvah is important. However, a bachur must know that he cannot follow his own method in dealing with this problem. It should be stressed to him that as frume Yidden, everything in our avodas Hashem must be done with a mesorah. A bachur may think that he has the answer to his problems or the right path for doing teshuvah, yet he could be making very big mistakes. It is therefore important to do everything together with an older, more experienced person, who has a clear seichel and mesorah from a Rebbi. If not, a person could cause himself even more damage.

The proper method for doing teshuvah

If the bachur wants to deal with this issue, then he should schedule a set time for cheshbon hanefesh. For example, he should write on the calendar that next Tuesday at 10 pm, he will dedicate some time for this issue, by learning something pertaining to this nisayon or speaking to his Rebbi. He should allocate a fifteen minute slot, and then afterwards tell himself, “I did what I had to do, and now I’m done.” If a person does teshuvah at an appointed time, then it won’t drag him down into the mess. This is because when a person consciously sets a time for a cheshbon hanefesh, his seichel is in charge, and when his seichel is working clearly, he won’t slip up. However, spontaneous thoughts of teshuvah, which surface right after a bachur did something wrong, are typically emotionally bound, and they can easily cause more harm than good. This is because when someone falls, he is in a negative mode, one in which he is upset and “beats himself up”, and when someone is in this kind of mood, he can’t think straight. It follows therefore that all of the strategies mentioned, including reviewing the list of reasons to stop (see Step 2) or thinking in any way about this issue, should never be done as a reaction to something that happened, but rather by appointment only. At the time that something happens, there is only one goal: to be meisi’ach da’as, keep moving, and get busy with something positive.

In the event that a bachur comes over to you and says, “Rebbi, I feel horrible. Last night I messed up and did _______,” then you should tell him, “I hear. Try a little better today; continue on with your regular routine. Let’s make up a time, and we’ll meet next week to discuss it.” You’ll notice two changes in the bachur’s attitude: a) The following week when the bachur comes to you, his seichel will be much clearer, and b) he’ll usually end up having an easier time in the interim. If, on the other hand, the bachur tries to deal with the issue right after it happens, then he will end up acting out much more.

Recap

• Heseich Hada’as is the most important step towards overcoming this struggle.

• Any time you think about not thinking or seeing it, then “it” is already in your mind.

• A bachur must know that he should not try to follow his own derech for teshuvah; rather, it is important that he do everything together with an older, more experienced person.

• At the time that a bachur is nichshal, there is only one goal: to be meisi’ach da’as, keep moving, and get busy with something positive. In order to deal with this issue, a bachur should instead schedule a separate, set time for cheshbon hanefesh.

From GYE Members

• I don't think the urge is necessarily to seek, rather it's to satisfy my craving for feeling good about myself or feeling good and productive in general. For this we tend to turn to our tried and true method, not because it's the answer but because it's what we've always done. In reality we have to just get up and do something productive, until then, no matter how hard we try to fight, the urge will just grow and grow. I have many project for when opening the gemara just wont cut it. Working out, reading, learning something lighter or a topic that interests me, spending time with a friend, spending time with family, and so on. #wilnevergiveup
• Personally think that distraction is a powerful tool against the yetzer. using tools like Torah, positive relationships and chores (which will do wonders for the relationships with the people around the home) are the keys that I have tried to use and Baruch Hashem have been the key to the control for myself. @Misgaber96
• I would think about sex all the time... during business meetings, lust; on the subway, lust; on the street, lust; even during learning or davening, and even when I was with my wife I would fantasize... I changed that for the sake of the chart.... I knew that if I wanted to stay on that chart I would need to stop lusting... And sometimes I white-knuckled it to get through another tough day and stay on that chart. But as I continued and worked on not lusting, I didn't need to white-knuckle as much anymore.... [...] I let go of lust... I just don't think about sex... When a sexual thought comes up, I make it go away, whether through prayer, rage, jokes, or something else... I don't let it linger and fester and grow... #RATM
• Thinking about something else: This is some_guy's idea here to use his words: I came up with a really good trick. Think of something interesting right now. I really like science, so I think of a theory or paradox. Make sure you really like the subject. If you need help, think about explaining your subject to a child. Once you have decided on a topic you are truly interested in, stop thinking about it. Whenever you see women on the street, or anything like that, the Yetzah Hara will always puts ideas and desires into your head. When that happens you need to remember that curious topic you picked earlier. Because you genuinely are interested in this idea, your mind naturally starts pondering it very deeply. This drowns out the Yetzah Hara until the moment has passed. I suggest thinking about your topic for a while to make sure the you have calmed down. @Inastruggle

Cognitive Distraction

I'll share a technique that works for me, often I get urges when I'm in bed, so I try to use this technique, this isn't always so effective if I'm busy doing something else. Perhaps you can try implement it and see if it works for you. I try picture some activity that I do often and can picture many details about, eg driving to school or going for a run. I think of what the weather is like, which houses I'm passing, when I'm speeding up, when I'm slowing down. Where my hands, my feet are, the turns I'm making etc. I find by filling my mind with a vivid experience, it clears my mind, I think because we can't think of multiple things at once very easily. #Looking_to_improve