Gedarim

[Ozer Bigevurah Section I Ch. 5 - Step Five: Establish Gedarim]

Note: This covers triggers, stimulus control, and counterconditioning. Parts related to those topics can be copied over to the right place.

Every bachur should identify the times and situations that drive him to act out, so he can create a strategy to distance himself from them and not lower his guard or become overconfident. For example, if a person wants to stop drinking alcohol, it wouldn’t be recommended for him to start working in a bar.

However, not always can one control the situation he must find himself in. Therefore, if a bachur knows that he must be in a place where he would be more prone to be nichshal, then he should take action to prepare himself in advance by making the improper behavior as difficult and uncomfortable as possible. Obviously, nothing is foolproof, but setting up gedarim will make it easier for a person to be omeid b’nisayon.

Even though a person knows he can undo the gedarim he has set for himself, he should still institute them, as doing so has a powerful effect. When one makes a geder, it’s as if he is saying, “I am committed to breaking this cycle, and my proof is that I’m going to make things difficult for myself.” For example, if a bachur knows that by bringing his car to yeshivah he will have a bigger nisayon to go to certain places during bein hasedarim, then he could establish a geder by walking to yeshivah instead. While he can still slip, the geder he instituted nonetheless shows a level of commitment that he is motivated to deal with his problem. Ultimately, if a person has done as much as he could, the result is that he will have more siyata dishmaya and berachah from Hashem.

The primary area in which establishing gedarim is important is shmiras einayim. This is because shmiras einayim is usually the beginning of the problem, and it’s an area where setting up preventative measures is very possible. A person can be careful about what streets he takes, what he watches, or what technological devices he uses. Most of the gedarim should therefore be directed towards the area of not seeing improper things.

Establishing gedarim with regards to thoughts is nearly impossible, as thoughts are harder to control. Additionally, a person can think anything without undergoing any shame. A geder for dealing with thoughts would include having the bachur program his mind that when certain thoughts come to him, he would do specific actions to distance himself from those thoughts.

Gedarim should ideally be set up by the bachur himself, as they may otherwise be difficult for him to accept. Obviously, what works for one person might not work for another. A bachur should therefore be guided to choose those gedarim that are right for him and the struggle he is dealing with.

A sample list of some gedarim

The following is a list of several gedarim to aid a person in controlling himself:

Impose a k’nas

The idea of imposing a k’nas is brought down in certain sefarim and can be useful at times. However, setting a k’nas for oneself is usually more applicable when things haven’t gone too far out of control. If they have, then a k’nas will usually be a very weak prevention, as the bachur won’t be able to keep to it.

There are a few points to bear in mind if this method will be used:

• The k’nas must be something that’s not too hard to keep, as it won’t be productive if it’s too severe to be implemented. The following true example illustrates this point: A bachur was mekabel to learn ten blatt of Gemara if he does a certain aveirah. However, his behavior spiraled out of control until the point where he made a cheshbon that even if he were to live the amount of years that Mesushelach lived, he would not be able to fulfill his quota! Scenarios similar to this are not uncommon. Therefore, one must ensure that a k’nas is practical and sustainable enough for a bachur to keep. Examples of such k’nasos would include getting up fifteen minutes before shacharis to learn, davening in one place without walking around, or something similar. The idea is that it should be something small, just enough to make one a little bit uncomfortable so he won’t want to do it. At times, one could make a k’nas for the first time, but not for every time, and in that case, the k’nas could be a little bit more severe. However, here, too, one must be realistic and use this suggestion wisely.
• The k’nas should not include any sigufim. Those types of kabalos do more harm than good. For example, some bachurim try to fast as a k’nas; however, fasting is probably the worst type of k’nas they could self-impose. This is because a person is reminded of the aveirah every time he feels hungry, which brings his attention to the very topic from which he’s trying to be meisi’ach da’as. Additionally, it is written in many sefarim that this is not a method for today’s generation.
• The k’nas (monetary or otherwise) must be payable immediately. If one is not committed to paying a knas immediately, he won’t feel the difficulty involved and will instead just keep putting things “on the bill”. Another obvious point to bear in mind is that a k’nas is only good as a deterrent if someone does not want to have to pay the k’nas. If one gets accustomed to breaking the k’nas, then it no longer has any value.
• One should never make a neder, as that can create serious sheilos.

Reward oneself if everything went well for a certain amount of time

Doing this attaches a positive feeling and sense of accomplishment to a goal often associated with negative feelings. This in turn makes it much easier for the person to put in the effort needed to battle his yetzer hora. The reward need not be something large; it can even be a small item such as a pen, book, or certain food. Although this suggestion may sound a little simple, it could be very helpful.

Confide in someone after stumbling

Having someone to confide in after one is nichshal is a good idea, but must be used with caution. The bachur must be motivated by a sincere desire to get help, and not just be thinking, “I want a shaychus with my Rebbi, and I know that I’ll get attention if I speak to him about such a serious issue.”

Call someone when feeling threatened

This suggestion is very beneficial, even if a bachur doesn’t actually get through to his mentor, or the mentor doesn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know. The fact that the bachur stopped for a second to think about how to help himself already cools off the yetzer hora, and it has therefore accomplished something good. (This suggestion is probably more useful when someone is in a more severe situation, but can still be helpful in other situations as well.)

Replace the behavior

A bachur is quite often nichshal because he feels uncomfortable/ angry/ bored, etc. He should try to find a healthy, alternative way of expressing these emotions, without having to resort to improper behavior. (This is a very important suggestion and should be explained in detail when speaking to the bachur.)

Move elsewhere

If appropriate, one should get out of the situation that makes it easy to slip up. For example, if a bachur knows that he has a problem when he’s in the dorm room at night, then he should try to prepare himself and walk out of the room when he feels this urge. Simply changing the location will help to slow things down and cool off the ta’avah, as stopping for a moment gives a bachur time to compose his thoughts.

Distract oneself

Distracting oneself with something else, even if it’s just for a short time, is sometimes enough to weaken the yetzer hora and enable a person to grasp the gravity of the situation.

Maintain vigilance

Once a bachur has acquired strategies to deal with the yetzer hora, he usually expects things to go well for a while and assumes that it will continue that way. However, this attitude is extremely dangerous, since it generally leads one to become overconfident and let down his guard, which is precisely the moment when the yetzer hora returns with another attack. Chazal explain this idea with the following mashal:

There was once a dog who smelled the delicious aroma of freshly-baked bread coming from a bakery. The dog very much wanted to grab a loaf for himself, but every time the baker noticed the dog, he chased it away. This dog, however, was not willing to give up on getting some bread, so it pretended to go to sleep right outside the bakery. Every so often the dog’s eyelids fluttered open, but the baker thought nothing of it; as far as he was concerned, the dog was fast asleep. Feeling confident, the baker temporarily walked away from the scene. The dog, however, had been waiting for just that moment, and as soon as the baker was out of sight, it immediately sprung into action and grabbed a loaf of bread.

The yetzer hora comes to a person in the very same way. He causes a person to feel confident, saying, “You’re doing great! It’s been a month and a half already, and you’ve been fine. The problem is a thing of the past!” In fact, sometimes a person could have such a long period of time when everything goes well, that he forgets all of the strategies that he had previously toiled so hard to acquire and lowers his guard. Then, lo and behold, he is suddenly faced with another nisayon that catches him by surprise, and he is unable to withstand the test.

A person has to therefore tell himself that he is in recovery forever. Practically speaking, this means that every person has to deal with this nisayon all life long, and if someone feels that he is becoming overconfident, then it’s time for him to strengthen himself even more.

Do what you could to stay positive

A person who, in general, has a positive nature will have a much easier time dealing with this nisayon. In contrast, someone who is more prone to feeling down will be especially vulnerable to the tricks of the yetzer hora. This is because there’s nothing that weakens a person like feelings of depression and hopelessness, and as long as a bachur is going to feel negative towards himself, there’s no way he will be able to survive this challenge.

The same nisayon that a bachur would have been able to deal with under normal circumstances, is beyond his capabilities if it comes at a time when he is feeling emotionally drained. One need not be a psychologist in order to recognize this; every person knows that when he is in a good mood, he can accomplish more and meet life’s situations better.

It therefore follows that whenever a bachur feels himself slipping into a mode of depression, and senses that he is susceptible to losing the battle against this yetzer hora, then he should view his situation as if he’s sitting on the train tracks with a train speeding in his direction. He should quickly try to find a way to change his mood. He can go buy ice cream, take a walk, have a conversation with a friend, etc.-whatever it takes to get himself into a happy frame of mind.

Quick Recap

• Every bachur should identify the situations that drive him to act out, so he can create a strategy to distance himself from them.
• Even though a person knows he can undo the gedarim he has set for himself, he should still institute them, as doing so has a powerful effect.
• The primary area in which establishing gedarim is important is shmiras einayim.
• Once a bachur has acquired gedarim, he will usually assumes that it will continue that way. However, this can lead him to become overconfident, which is precisely the moment when the yetzer hora returns with another attack.
• A person who, in general, has a positive nature will have a much easier time dealing with this nisayon.