Talk:Debunking Myths

SZ: Generally, I also think the emphasis on “self control” misses the myriad other emotional factors that go into excessive struggles in this area which I find are rarely just deficiencies in self control (as compared to their non- struggling peers). I think the areas of self- esteem, shame, lack of other positive experiences, black and white thinking, perfectionism, poor coping skills, lack of self- compassion and respect, etc. are typically much more relevant to someone with a significant struggle. I would also reiterate that I think focusing on the self control, especially by charting and especially by bringing such charts to one’s rebbe, can potentially cause more harm than good. I also have concerns about general rebbeim being involved at such a specific level of the bachur’s masturbatory behavior.

Popular Myths of GYE Members

Myth: My behavior proves that I'm a worthless

• See Self Worth.
• See Life Skills: Self-Acceptance and Compassion
• Is a diamond that is dirty a "bad diamond"? We're precious children of Hashem, and have a neshama which a חלק אלוק ממעל. This habit doesn't define us any more than lashon hara. Thousands of GYE members have been able to overcome this challenge, and feel amazing. You can too!
• There are countless guys struggling, it's just that no one talks about it. check the GYE forums to meet some of them. you are not alone!

Myth: My double life shows I'm lacking in Yiras Shamayim

• We have many incredible Yerei Shamayim on GYE. Once a habit or compulsive behavior is developed, yiras shamayim and willpower can help you get motivated, but to actually break the habit, you'll need good strategies and techniques.
• Talk about the Nisayon in our generation, and why it's so hard. See Perspectives on the Struggle.
• You are not a loser or rasha.

Myth: I don't want it enough

• Motivation is important, it's the engine that gets us started. But willpower alone is not enough to break a habit, you need strategies.

We can also deal with the following:

• Masturbation is a need. See Beliefs about Urges.
• Porn is harmless, it's just a screen. See Understanding Pornography and Pornography Use Effects. Maybe mention Halacha too.
• The problem will go away after marriage.
  • The truth is that it won't, it gets more complicated then and it can harm your marriage. It can also lead to divorce.
  • See dating. The Porn Myth is also have a good chapter on this.
• If I give up porn, my life will empty and lame.
  • Talk about how recovery can be fun (like in fortify). We can focus on how it can be very satisfying - some guys say it was one of the most significant experiences of their lives. We can introduce the aviation metaphor that way.
  • Also focus that in GYE you'll learn to replace this bad habit with other enjoyable activities, that will give you real deep satisfaction. See Lifestyle Balance.
  • Quote testimonials from How I reached 90 days

And maybe another one to address black and white thinking.

• See Life Skills: Anti-perfectionism