Stimulus Control

Related Topics

• Filters
  • Boundaries
• Monitoring Software
• Avoiding Triggers
• Shmiras Einayim

From GYE Members

• The environment is a huge source of temptation. I found it much easier to stay clean while I was working from home, though I did have some lustful thoughts as I am single and live alone. But because I had fewer distractions around me, I found I was less prone to entertain those thoughts. #shmuel83
• We cannot defeat the yetzer hara now. Forget it, it can't be done. B"H when Moshiach comes, he will remove it from the world, but until that time comes, we just have to learn not to engage with it. As we say each day when reciting the Shema, we must learn to not follow after our heart and after our eyes by which we go astray. If Hashem commanded us to do it, then we are capable of doing it. #shmuel83

Attitude

• I also used to think i want those 'urges' so that i can prove myself, untill i realised, dont we daven every day not to be in a situation of nisayon? and dont chazal tell us a number of times that in theese areas we need the most gedarim. the greatest amoraim stumbled when placed in front of high temptation, i don't quiet class myself better than them! #excellence
• It is interesting how many people are intimidated with the idea of a filter - "I have to just learn to control myself", but they would never entertain the thought of having a cabinet of treife food in their home and teaching the kids "just control yourself". #HashemHelpMe
• One piece of advice.. GET A FILTER FOR YOUR COMPUTER!!! This is an absolute must!  Without this, it is like entering a boxing match with one hand tied behind your back! There is no way to win!!  I was struggling for years, my longest clean streak was 35 days, and it wasn't until I got my internet filtered that I improved more than that. Even if a filter costs you money, it is money very well spent! #Yerushalmi

Social Media

• #Day127 -Thanks for the chizuk. What helps me the most is putting myself in the best situation for me to thrive. Not just in terms of shmiras eynayim and shmiras habris, but also in general in life being in a position that is the most natural for me to succeed and be productive in a healthy and meaningful way. #Realestatemogul
• Lifee Aniyus Daytee, I think you should delet Twitter. It's a non Jewish platform with so much shmutz, and we all know even if your looking at clean news, or sports... For every 5 minutes spent scrolling through the feed its inevitable that you will see something of pritzus and triggering. Why walk down that path in the first place. I used this same philosophy for myself with music streaming apps. I'm only gonna listen to kosher music, but every so often against my will a new Apple Music artist will be advertised with her picture... Not something someone who is struggling really needs. I deleted Apple Music on my phone and canceled my subscription. For myself I made s concious decision that I'm going to try to make this as easy as possible for me, and when a real fight comes I'll have the energy to say know because those little things were never chipping away at me. I'm also not saying it's an easy decision, in order to be clean we really need to give up a lot. It's usually the small acts that can end up having huge effects in our recovery. Although I might say that that picture isn't your fault, what I will say is that it got you to think about porn... Something that would not have been brought up otherwise. #yosef10

Secular Media

• My biggest challenge has been reducing the time I spend on secular entertainment (music, TV, sport), as this can also lead to sin if allowed unchecked. I used to listen to music a lot to unwind, and I still do sometimes, but now I am trying to replace the time I used to spend on entertainment with Torah study (listening to kosher speakers only, and davening. Strong mussar (for those who are not so addicted) is like an antibiotic for the yetzer hara. #shmuel83
• Movies... these ppl get paid millions of dollars to be presented on a screen. And presenting they do. They obv have an allure to them. As ppl who are struggling we have to be extra careful cause this is a pashet trigger(its well disguised as an entertaining movie, but let's call a spade a spade). It's hard to stop all movies and shows, but... at what cost. At least at least if you really want to watch, make sure it clean(IMDB has by every movie something called "parents guide" which goes thru the non clean scenes in a movie. At least if you're going to watch the movie check that out before. Disclaimer: Reading that parents guide itself can be triggering so use it as a last resort if you have to watch(prob better to read it, then see it) and be ready for whats coming). #battle-of-the-gen
• At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm sure you can find a clean YouTube video. But stay on YouTube long enough, you will get bitten. We've all done / do it. Even videos there purely for entertainment often have immodestly dressed women - not specifically, but just because that's how people dress nowadays. (But also because a pretty girl in skimpy clothing on the thumbnail of a video often attracts millions of views, even if the video is a 'all boys tell jokes around campfire' video.) I'm not preaching, I struggle with this to. I saw a funny clip someone made (I may post it to this site) relating to trouble in this area. It had a caption 'instagram homepage - don't underestimate me!' The point is, often harmless things can easily turn triggers. Just bear it in mind. #Im Tevakshena Kakasef

YouTube/Movies

• After 8 days of being clean, I succumbed to my urges. It all started the night after day 5. I was watching a very innocent youtube video when all of a sudden, there was a pretty inappropriate scene. I quickly shut it off and overpowered my urges, but by day 8, the thought was still there. I didn't listen to any of the barriers I set for myself and I lost this struggle with the יצר הרע. I guess I should be proud that I was able to overcome those struggles for a few days, but I'm very disappointed in myself overall. #Lessing
  • 1. DaveM replied: You identified the trigger right there.  In my experience, it's very common for "innocent" youtube videos to contain inappropriate contents or a link to something bad.  One of the hardest choice I had to make in this fight was giving up watching movies and tv shows.  The less contents I see, the less of a chance something bad will cross my vision.  but I dont regret it for one second.
    2. HashemHelpMe: Youtube is a site that unfortunately has caused many to fall. In addition, and excuse my blunt style, exactly how does it happen that an "innocent" video has something inappropriate? The typical movie nowadays has loads of suggestive and arousing material throughout. Typical conversations can be triggering. And let's be honest "lo sasuru acharei einichem" was not said exclusively about pornography. From what you wrote, it appears if not for the youtube incident you would not have fallen. If that is the case buddy, maybe it is time to take the leap and clean up shop that little bit more. Iyh you will not regret it. My apologies if this post is too forward....
    3. Grant400: My friend, I had the same reality check too many times unfortunately. We both know that it wasn't so "innocent". Of course you didn't watch it for that reason but by now we know what will be. I too took the plunge Dave M. mentioned. Was it hard? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Is my life easier because of it? Yes! Yes! Yes! Sometimes the decision is more intimidating than the reality. Deciding not to watch for a while or forever is challenging. But once you take the plunge you will see that the benefits outweigh the sacrifice. We must stop driving ourselves crazy! We try this, do this, decide something else. We "just" this- that etc. We always end up in the same undesired position. We are constantly "shocked" and "upset". It's time to face reality and stop it. Simply take control of ourselves. The time has come. If not we will have a 40 page thread and 40 year of life to go with it, of constant ups and downs with confidence rising and being smashed. Begging for help and making new resolutions. It's now or never. It's trying vs. actually succeeding.

• I often tell people re Netflix and stam non-Jewish movies, "you do realize that the velos sasuru acharei levavchem veacharei eineichem, wasn't said about pornography, it was said about anything that's inappropriate to see." And that's an eye opening comment to a lot of people that they, that their focus is so has gone to such this abysmal low, they start realizing that, you know, yiddishkeit wasn't here to fight phonography it was here to stop any inappropriate content. #HashemHelpMe

Changing Your Routine

• Another aspect is to pinpoint when you are triggered like jj123 wrote and try to "diffuse" those situations. For example if it's staying up late then try to go to sleep earlier or get up earlier so you will be more tired at night. If its showering then try to arrange your shower at a time you are in a rush or pressured to finish as quickly as possible for whatever reason. And so on. We must make "tachbulot" to outsmart the yetzer harah. #Grant400

Boundaries

• I must say my decision to not be on my phone after a certain time by night, really helps! I've also made extra chavrusah's so I have much less time to feel the urges bh, I even have to find the time to go on gye lol. Boredom was what caused me last time to fall.. @Shnitzel and kugel
  • Today is #28 second highest since joining gye, since last fall I've reached such hights! My amount of wasting time has decreased by 3-4 hours each day and my learning has increased to 3-4 hours each day, so not sure if it's such a fall to some extent... My falls were due to me wasting time. @Shnitzel and kugel
  • I try staying off as much as possible. Reason for that is simply because i get triggered from the smallest things even from reading different peoples stories here... I'm close to 50 days clean, 2nd highest every for me since joining gye. By me trying to forget about this whole issue including recovery is what helps me stay clean, I don't read anything triggering etc, my urge to come onto gye is really lust deep down, seeking to have some sort of outlet.@Shnitzel and kugel

In Torah Sources

• See sources in Filters.
• ספר החינוך פרשת אחרי מות מצוה קפח: וריבוי פרטי הריחוקין שהזהירו עליהן בענין זה, אבל כלל הדבר הוא שלא יעשה האדם שום דבר בעולם המביאו לידי הרהור בנשים, לא במעשה ולא בדבור ולא שום רמז לקרב דעת האשה הקלה עם דעתו, אלא באשתו לבד. ובענין זה היה מוכיח הנביא אנשי דורו באמרו להם [ירמיהו ה', ח'] איש אל אשת רעהו יצהלו, כלומר לפי דרכם שנראה כאילו אינם מתכוונים לכך ירמזו לנשי רעיהם רמיזות של ניאוף ומגביהין קולם בענין שישמעו אותן הנשים ויתעורר יצרן אל אהבת הנואף. ואין באפשר להגיד פרטי הענינים שידע האדם לעשות לקרב אליו דעת האשה שהוא קל, ולכן הזכירו זכרונם לברכה מהם קצת, ובשאר יזהר כל אחד ואחד לשמור עצמו לפי מה שימצא את גופו, כי השם יראה ללבב. ומכל מקום, לפי הדומה מכל מה שהזהירו זכרונם לברכה אין אדם רשאי לזוז ממוסרם הטוב, ואף על פי שהוא מוצא עצמו חשוך התאוה קצת, לא יאמר כיון שאני מוצא עצמי כן מה איכפת לי אם אסתכל בנשים כי יודע אני בעצמי שלא יתעורר יצרי בכך, שהרבה אמרו כן ונכשלו. ועל זה רמזו זכרונם לברכה באומרם כי היצר בתחילה חלש מאוד והולך ומתחזק על האדם הרבה.
• תומר דבורה א, ז: רצו בזה שהשב בתשובה לא יספיק לו שיהיה נגדר בעון כגדר הצדיקים מפני שהצדיקים שלא חטאו גדר מעט יספיק אליהם אמנם החוטא שחטא ושב לא יספיק לו גדר מעט אלא צריך להגדיר עצמו כמה גדרים קשים מפני שאותו הגדר המעט כבר נפרץ פעם אחת אם יתקרב שם בקל יפתהו יצרו אלא צריך להתרחק הרחק גדול מאד
• חיי עולם לסטייפלר ח"ב פ"ט: כי כל העולם הזה מלא נסיונות על כל צעד, וידוע כי בשעת תוקף התאוה מאבד האדם כמעט כל היר"ש לו ולא נשאר כי אם הרושם וכו' ואז כפסע בינו ובין המות רהוא החטא ר"ל. ולזאת עצתו אמונה ועיקר תקנתו להתרחק מאד ממקום העבירה וממקום הגורם ומסבב לעבירה, באופן אשר עשיית העבירה לא יהא מהדברים הקלים גם מכח שלא לשמה עפ"י מדותיו הטבעיות, ואזי עם חיזוק היר"ש ועם התפילה בלב שלם להשי"ת יסייעוהו משמים וכו'" עכ"ל. הובא בוהאר עיננו עמ' סז.
• Concept of הרחקות - since there is no issur of Yichud for a spouse, Chazal decreed that we need other methods to avoid triggers (and perhaps serve as reminders). See סדרי טהרה סי' קצה סקט"ז.

Further Reading

• Broken Windows - The Power of One's Environment. Positive Vision Day 17 (A very nice intro to the topic.)
  • The Willpower Muscle - The Science of Shmirah. Positive Vision Day 18 (Explains the importance)
  • Toxic Environments - External and Internal. Positive Vision Day 18 (re Filters, Monitoring Software. Also introduces the concept of internal triggers.)
• Battle of the Generation Ch. 36 - Staying Away.