Progressive Tools for Breaking Free

STOP

The tools of this handbook are not designed to motivate us to stop - we have  done that a thousand times already. Deep inside there’s nothing we want more than to stop. Rather, the tools here are designed to help us STAY STOPPED. Therefore, tool 1 is to just make a decision to STOP just for today. The past is gone, and the future is not in our hands.

As long as we are still actively feeding the addiction, our brains are like on drugs and we cannot think straight. As one long-time GYE member wrote:

I want to share with you a hard-earned truth, which I fought and struggled for months to reach: In order to fully absorb the lessons taught in the 'GYE Handbook’ (or the 12-Step program), you have to be sober for a few days. Why? Because when one's head is absorbed in the insanity, no matter how much the person might want to be clean, the filth is still tugging and affecting their perceptions. This is not just my own opinion, it is written straight out in the 12-step program; i.e. that it is advisable to be sober for at least a few days before starting the program. And after trying both ways, clean and not clean, I GUARANTEE that no recovery program can be effective unless you are clean. It's not enough to want to diet if you're still eating chocolate cake. Your mind will NOT accept fully what it needs to accept while under the direct influence of the insanity.

But deciding to stop does not mean that we won’t ever fall again or that we’ll succeed in staying stopped forever on our first try. However, it does mean that   we are committed to trying, by being open minded to internalizing the principles and tools discussed in this handbook which have helped hundreds, if not thousands, break free.

Often we thought that if we would only feed the lust a little bit more and give it what it really wants, it would leave us alone. But it is exactly the opposite. Our sages have said: "There is a small organ in a man, if one feeds it - it is hungry, if one starves it - it is satiated".  Although it is hard to stop and we   may likely even experience withdrawal symptoms for a while, the more we successfully stay stopped in the short term, the easier it will get in the long term. Knowing this Yesod can make a huge difference.

We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this 12-Step saying in mind: "Just once is too much, and a thousand times is never enough."

The Steipler Gaon points out in the first volume of Krayna D'igrisah that anyone who keeps away from these forbidden pleasures is promised to receive the pleasures of life from other areas instead. And it follows that those who accept upon themselves the suffering that breaking-free entails, will save themselves much suffering in other areas of life.

Once we have decided we want to STOP, just for today, we are ready to read the rest of this handbook to learn the many tools, tips and techniques that can help   us STAY STOPPED.

Attitude and Perspective

Having the proper perspective and attitude on this struggle can make all the difference. Often people write to us saying that had they only known the proper perspective and attitude guidelines that we discuss on our network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into the addiction in the first place!

Part 2 of this handbook is a collection of what we in the GYE community feel are some of the most important "Attitude" principles in this struggle. These are only suggestions of what worked for us. This handbook is a work-in-progress and we would be happy to hear from you what “attitude & perspective” ideas you think   are important as well (contact us through the website).

We highly recommend reading these principles in the initial stages of  your journey because they can be a cornerstone tool in our struggle. Not only can the proper perspective help us make solid progress, but often, various  misconceptions that we had about the struggle contribute to the underlying reasons that we act out in the first place. For example, one bochur who was making an initial push for purity contacted us after a few days and wrote:

The initial enthusiasm has kind of worn off and my Yetzer Hara keeps telling me that it's not so bad. I can't keep up the spiritual enthusiasm for very long, and I don't see how I can possibly hold out much longer.

We sent him some of the sections from Part 2 of this handbook and the next day he wrote back:

Thanks so much! It helped tremendously! It makes me see this whole process in a completely different light. Instead on focusing on how depressing the struggle can be, I should be happy that I am "zoche" to have been given the opportunity for such great spiritual growth. Also, as you mentioned, it is likely that this is part of my main mission in this world. And not everyone is so lucky to know what his personal Avoda is! And the fact that every little bit counts even if we end up falling, and also that we shouldn't focus on staying clean forever but rather only "one day at a time". I must say, that for the first time in years I feel there's real hope and I am actually looking forward to change!

This is just one example of how a simple change in attitudes can make a big difference.

Therefore, it is vital that the proper perspective accompany us on our journey to recovery, from day one and throughout all the practical steps we take. With the proper attitude, we can succeed in learning to control the addiction in a much shorter time frame, and with far less extreme steps.

The “Attitude Section” of this handbook is divided into two parts. Part A brings attitude principles that apply to anyone who struggles in these areas, even if they don’t yet have an “addiction”. These are important principles for adolescents to read when their hormones kick in and the struggle becomes an increasingly dominant force in their lives. They are also important reading for any adult who feels overwhelmed by the struggle, at times. The principles of Part B are geared towards people who have tried to stop these behaviors and find that they keep falling back into them, i.e. for addiction levels. The principles in Part B address   the nature of addiction and how dealing with it often necessitates real inner change.

Aside from the many important principles presented in the “Attitude Section” of  this handbook, we can sign up and receive the daily Chizuk e-mails at www.guardyoureyes.org to continue learning and refining our perspective on this struggle every day. By reading the chizuk e-mails daily, we will quickly be swept up by the spirit of the Guard Your Eyes community and rapidly internalize many  of the guidelines that will help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle throughout our journey.

Guarding the Eyes

It is not for nothing that our network is called "Guard Your Eyes". Aside from having the proper attitude in this struggle - as discussed above, the most obvious practical step to conquering lust addiction is learning to guard our eyes. This is  the cornerstone of breaking free, and it's obvious why: We can't lust for that which we don't see. When we guard our eyes, it's like we are avoiding the wrestling rink where the mighty Yetzer Hara is waiting to beat us up. If we simply don't enter the rink, he can't touch us!

Conversely, it is impossible to even begin to heal from lust addiction if we continue to be bombarded with triggers at every turn. As lust addicts, our minds have become accustomed to lusting. We can not gaze at stimulating imagery and expect not to be triggered. We cannot have it all within hands reach and expect to be strong enough to stay away. We have grown addicted to the chemical rush in our mind that the lust brings on, much in the same way that an alcoholic   craves his bottle. Therefore, if we are to break the addictive cycle, we must first keep lust at a distance to be able to begin our journey to recovery.

And one of the first things that this entails is installing a strong Internet filter.

Internet Filters

The GYE website has an entire division dedicated to helping people with filters. See www.Venishmartem.com. Filters range from "server" to "client" based, free  or commercial, Jewish or non-Jewish. There is something there to meet anyone's needs. On our website, we can also learn about how the different types of filters work and what the terms mean, such as "server based", "client based", "white- list", "blacklist" etc...

If you're looking for a free, relatively solid and simple-to-use filter, we recommend the Venishmartem Cloud Filter (www.venishmartem.com/vcf). Your settings are changeable only by Venishmartem staff, and it cannot be removed. In cases where the VCF filter won’t work for you (like on mobile devices), GYE also has a special “filter-Gabai” who can hold the password for you. This way, we never  need to have the password ourselves and can feel truly free! Contact the filter- Gabai at [[1]] (You may also ask advice on Venishmartem.com through our Help-Desk system on how to filter your handheld devices, such as Blackberries and iPhones.)

If we must have completely open Internet access for our work, we can still download accountability software, where e-mail reports are sent to a partner who will see all the questionable pages that we may have browsed. Please see www.webchaver.org or use e-Blaster at www.spectorsoft.com/gye. Even if we have a filter installed, it is important to have accountability software. When lust attacks, an addict can usually find a way around his filter, but if he knows that his partner will see all the sites he is trying to access, it will be a far stronger deterrent. If you are having a hard time finding a partner or you’re too embarrassed, use our Knas Based Accountability program at www.gye.org.il/kba (minimum $100 Knas for every bad report).

If our Internet filter does not block all questionable sites, we must carefully consider our motivation for every site we visit. We must begin to recognize the   sly voice of our addiction. If it's a news site, we need to consider why we want to read certain articles. If it's because the site or article discusses inappropriate topics (fashion, celebrities, or "news items" relating to immoral behavior), or even  if it might discuss them and the Yetzer Hara (read: addiction) wants us to find   out for sure, then we must learn to hold back and not click on  the links. In general, it is important to limit the number of sites we visit to a small list and question any time we feel the need to visit a site that is not on the list.

In healing from this addiction, we need to learn to be very honest with ourselves.  If we find that we can't control our surfing habits, we need to admit it and make stronger fences, such as limiting our time online, making concise lists of sites we allow ourselves to visit, getting better filters/accountability software or setting the current filter's settings to a higher protection level.

We highly suggest getting solid Internet filters that block any questionable sites. The best type of filters are Jewish server-based filters like Jnet, Koshernet, Yeshivanet and Internet Rimon (in Israel). And of course, the best level of protection is "White-list", which means that all sites are blocked except  for  specific sites that we can ask the company to open for us (or sites that the company has already checked and white-listed). If the "white-list" option is impossible for us to have due to Parnassa requirements, the filter should at least be set to the highest protection setting that we can afford to use, even if that means less entertainment.

It is important to realize though, that the goal of the filter is only to keep it "out of sight and out of mind". It is not going to remove the possibility of accessing indecent material altogether. If a person is determined enough, they will often be able to find ways to bypass filters, and even if not, they will always be able to find many other venues to access inappropriate material. Ultimately, the change must come from within, with a sincere desire to stop lusting. (See Part 2 of this handbook for more on how to achieve this sincerity).

The filter acts mainly as a "heker" (a reminder), similar in a sense to what our Sages tell us about Palti ben Layish (to whom Shaul Hamelech gave  over  David's wife). Palti was alone every evening with Michal (who Chazal tell us was one of the most beautiful women) and yet he never stumbled because of a sword that he placed between the two of them, saying that whoever bypasses this   sword should be run through by it. The filter is like our sword, it is our "heker".    But it will not stop us completely unless we want it to. However, since it can take   a long time until we learn to genuinely give up our lust to Hashem, we must have  a strong filter at all times. For if we don't get it out of reach, we won't be able to stop the vicious cycle of addiction and begin the healing process.

Another great way to make sure we guard our eyes online is to place the  computer in a highly visible area of the house, such as the living room, and to also make sure never to use the Internet when alone in the house.

In any event, it is best for us - if possible - to avoid all non-Jewish or secular   news and entertainment sites (and the like). See the "Kosher Isle" on our website for lists of Kosher news and entertainment sites that can provide us with more than our ‘daily dosage’ of news and distractions.

Guarding our eyes outside

As addicts to lust, we must be extra careful about where we go. It is best to   refrain from frequenting malls and other such public places where we know that we will have difficulty guarding our eyes. If we must be in such places, we can try to spend as little time there as possible, and perhaps even remove our glasses if we have bad eye-sight. Otherwise, we can try wearing sunglasses covered inside with non-see through lamination, or color the inside of a special pair of glasses with a black magic marker, leaving only a small hole to peer through (the Steipler Gaon gave someone this idea). For those who need to take public transportation to work, bringing a sefer along or an MP3 player with shiurim to listen to while keeping one’s eyes closed has been known to help. Even weddings, Simchos   and family gatherings can be problematic for us, and we can try to prepare ourselves mentally beforehand. We can resolve to remain in the non-mixed areas as much as possible, or try to find a seat facing in a direction opposite from any possible triggers.

If we will have to be in an area where we know there will be a struggle, we can   try to offer a short prayer before leaving the house: "Please Hashem, help me not to take any second looks". And if we find that we do stumble and take a second look, we can quickly offer another short prayer and say, "Hashem, I surrender my lust to you! Please take it away from me".

Guarding our eyes off-line

If we are serious about breaking free of lust addiction, we need to try to refrain from watching TV, movies and reading secular magazines and newspapers as much as possible, since all of them are full of promiscuity. Even the most innocent-sounding children's movies today are filled with imagery which can be very triggering for a lust addict and we must therefore try to avoid them as much as we can.

Let's talk about movies, for example. Movies are one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a proper healing from lust addiction, because often we find them very hard to give up. They serve as a source of entertainment for millions of people around the world, and they are often a welcome distraction from the difficult realities of life. But movies are filled to the brim with triggers to lust. And even if one is successful to find a movie with absolutely no provocatively  dressed  women or kissing scenes in them (almost impossible today), will there still not even be any attractive female actors in the movie at all? If we are trying to guard our eyes in the street - and we must be; how can we allow ourselves to stare at attractive women in a movie for about 2 hours straight? As lust addicts, most of   us simply cannot look at attractive women - even modestly dressed - and not  think or feel any undercurrent of lust. The nature of the addiction has taken this ability away from us. And we must admit this truth to ourselves; as long as we    are lusting - we are still feeding the addiction.

Therefore in the GYE community, we know that if we are truly serious about breaking free from the poison of lust, we must let this be our sacrifice for Hashem's glory and give up non-Jewish movies for good. And surely this will be considered a most precious sacrifice in Hashem's eyes, a sacrifice brought on   the altar of our hearts!

The cornerstone

It is important to realize that guarding the eyes is not just "Tool 3", but rather it's the cornerstone of all the tools. Without guarding our eyes, we continue to lust and feed the addiction, and no matter what other steps we may take, we are still acting like an alcoholic who takes small sips of whiskey to get his high. We have  to learn to let go of lust and not allow ourselves to have that "first drink". There  is no "drinking like a gentleman" for an alcoholic, and neither is there for us.   Once we taste it a little, we are easily drawn back in and will often lose control.

Although we present this tool in the very beginning, guarding our eyes applies throughout all the tools. Even those who are more seriously addicted and are working already with the advanced tools of this Handbook will still need to guard their eyes. True "lust addicts" do not have control in this area. No matter how many years they manage to stay clean and no matter what steps they may have taken, if they are faced head-on with lust, they will feel powerless. We have an “allergy” to lust, and as the saying goes: "Once an addict, always an addict". As scary as this may seem, it really is not so bad. People who have a deficiency of iron in their body, even if it's a chronic condition, can still lead perfectly normal lives as long as they take their daily iron pill.

With the 12 Steps (Tool 15-16 below) we learn how to admit powerlessness and surrender our lust to Hashem. By following the steps of this Handbook, we can learn to keep the addiction completely in check, and lead happy  and fulfilling  lives. But we must never let our guard down. The number one symptom of this disease is that when we are faced head-on with lust, we cannot help lusting. And that is why the very first practical tool in recovering from lust addiction is to guard our eyes and avoid lust as much as possible.

It's a Process

As we discussed, guarding our eyes is the starting point, middle point, and the final frontier of this struggle. Even when we have already learned to control the more seriously damaging addictive behaviors, we may still find that it takes us yet another few years to learn how to fully surrender our lusting to Hashem and gain complete control over our eyes. So don't get discouraged if you break free of  the inappropriate behaviors but still find it  difficult to guard your eyes on the  street. It is a process. But if we stay determined to get our lives and priorities   back on track, we will see progress in this area, slowly but surely. And we must progress. Staying in the same place keeps us vulnerable to relapse, and if we don't try to move forward a little every day in learning how to guard our eyes, we will remain susceptible to being drawn back into the harmful addictive behaviors as well.

The MeKaDeSH Method

There are four  important  ingredients to  being  successful with  Shmiras  Ainayim for the long term. The word MeKaDeSH is an acronym for the following:

(1)  Machlit / Make a decision. (2) Knas (3) Daven (4) SHmirah. If any one of  these ingredients are missing, we will likely continue to experience ups  and downs in our struggle. Let us briefly discuss these four components:

1.  Machlit / Make a Decision: Shmiras Ainayim will be a constant battle as long as we don't fully accept how harmful it is for us. We all know deep down that  even if we would get all our desires, the pleasure would last only a short moment and leave us feeling empty afterwards. We know from past personal experience and from so many other people's experiences that lusting brings only emptiness and pain. The more we feed it, the more it wants. It is never satisfied, and   fulfilling our desires just leaves us with a void that demands to be filled again. Lusting takes us away from all the good that Hashem has in store for us. It   severs our relationship with our Creator, with our wives and children, and even our relationship with ourselves. Although we are pulled to lust when feeling stressed or down, there is a very true saying (from SA): "No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won't make it even worse". When we realize all this   and come to the conclusion that lust is really poison for us, we are finally able to make a strong decision in our minds that we really don’t want it. This is a vital ingredient to being able to hold on to our success in Shmiras Ainayim for the long term.

2.  Knas: The struggle with Shmiras Ainayim is so difficult and slippery (especially for those who have become addicted to lust related behaviors)  that making strong decisions are generally not enough on their own for long-term success. Over time, our inspiration fades and we start lusting again because we feel we  can get away with it. To really get past this stumbling block, we have to get TOUGH with ourselves, as the Pasuk says: “For with a strong hand, He took us out of Mitzrayim”. It takes a strong hand to break free of this Mitzrayim, and this can be accomplished by making for ourselves knasos.

We can try to accept upon ourselves - or make a vow (not forever, just for "x" amount of days or weeks, at first) that every time we take a second look at something triggering, we will (either):

• give ourselves a pinch that hurts,
• wear a rubber-band and snap it against our skin,
• give $1 to tzedaka,
• give our eyes a "time out" by closing them for 6 seconds.

Study also the TaPHSiC method below (Tool #10) to learn ways of making stronger knasos for ourselves when it comes to preventing even more addictive behaviors.

3.  Daven: With all our efforts, only Hashem can really help us at the end of the day. As Chazal say: "The Yetzer hara tries to kill a person each day, and if Hashem wouldn't help him, he could not overcome  him. We have to recognize this truth and constantly whisper teffilos to Hashem for help. The Steipler writes regarding these tests, that some people need to daven 50 times a day to be protected.

4.  SHmirah: Even with a strong decision, knasos, and with davening, we can’t expect to succeed in Shmiras Ainayim if we are surrounded by triggers. Our  efforts can only bear fruit for the long term if we put up strong shmiros for ourselves. As discussed above, this entails avoiding triggering areas, installing internet filters and accountability software, and staying away from triggering  media like TV, Movies, Magazines, Newspapers.

More Guard Your Eyes Tips

There is a saying: “The first look is on G-d, the second one is on us". In other words, we can't help if we saw something triggering in the street unintentionally. But if we take a second look, we are feeding our addiction. Here are some GYE training tips that might help us get started in learning to guard our eyes on the street.

1)  The "Three-Second Rule”: If we see something inappropriate (on the first look), we can implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that we're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close our eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These   two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by  mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, G-d willing, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage.

This is crucial, because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid the first  slip").

Many times we feel, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes us feel guilty when we’ve done nothing wrong   at all, and that can lead to further slips and falls. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss,  and only then are we expected to look away.

2)  Small Goals: Make very small goals at first. For example, we can accept upon ourselves that for the walk from home to shul and back, no matter what, we will absolutely not look anywhere besides at the ground. It may be difficult at first, but after a few times of doing this we will hopefully be able to increase our goals.

Developing the proper attitude towards Shemiras Ainayim:

a) We need to tell ourselves that no matter how painful it feels not to look, it will always be even more painful to look. Because when we look, there are   two acute pains we feel:

• We feel suddenly far from Hashem and from our goals.
• We know we can't have it anyway, and when we look - we desire it and it HURTS.

So essentially, the pain we feel when not looking is much better than the pain of looking! And as they say in the 12-Step literature, “No situation can be bad enough that a little lusting won’t make it worse”.

b) The pain we feel when not looking is HEALING pain, like the pain from surgery. The pain is healing us. On the other hand, the spiritual  pain  of looking is the pain of the disease getting worse. Which pain do we choose?

c) The pain we feel when not looking is not really our pain at all. It is the pain of the Yetzer Hara in his "death throes". He is screaming that we are hitting him hard. So we can actually enjoy the pain! We are feeling the pain of our enemy as he gets weaker!

d) The whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in our minds. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to  be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". We are left shaking our head and not believing that for this we sell our very souls.

e)  Let us also reflect for a moment. If we were blind, chas veshalom, we wouldn't struggle with lust. If we didn't have this amazing gift of sight that Hashem gave us, would we be able to lust  through our eyes? Scientists tell  us that the human mind makes billions of calculations per second when processing information from the countless nerve endings that connect  our eyes to our brains. How can we take this amazing gift and use it against Hashem's will?

Letting Go of Lust

The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we will have endless opportunities to continue lusting at every turn. We will be fighting a losing battle of Shemiras Ainayim by constantly trying not to look at things that we do want to look at so badly. Instead, the real trick to success is to learn how to let go of the lusting altogether. Instead of fighting it head-on, we  need to simply let go of it.

As someone who is working the 12 Steps once wrote:

"Today, the fight is much easier for me. When I have urges, I admit powerlessness, acknowledge that Hashem is the only One that can - and will

- help me, and I ask Hashem to remove the lust from me. I am frankly surprised by how much better this works than fighting the urges head on".

Another important step in letting go of lust, is learning how to deal with obsessive lustful thoughts and fantasies. See principle #11 of Part 2 below, for some great tips and techniques on how to let go of lust and fantasies in our minds.

Get daily chizuk on "Guarding Our Eyes"

To receive daily chizuk on Shmiras Einayim, sign up to the Shmiras Einayim Chizuk e-mail list on our website.

The eyes are the windows to our souls and must be guarded diligently if we are   to make real spiritual progress. We can download a free e-Book called "Windows of the Soul" by the Salant foundation from our website. This book, which can be purchased in hard copy as well, provides a 30-day Chizuk program to help us learn how to guard our eyes properly.The GYE network also has a daily phone conference on Shmiras Einayim (for non-addicts as well) where we can join together with a group of other Yidden by phone to get Chizuk and learn techniques on how to guard our eyes in today’s difficult environment.

Daily Chizuk

To succeed in this struggle, it is important for us to get fresh perspective and Chizuk each day. Chazal say that the Yetzer Hara renews his attack on us every day. He plays real nasty, and will use every trick in the book (and not in the book) to get us to fall. To counter this, we need new Chizuk and tips all the time. There  is so much material on our website, but it's often overwhelming and  not practically within reach when we need it most. Our network provides daily Chizuk e-mails with antidotes, tips, articles, and quotes from our sages, therapists, and fellow strugglers, to help us break free of this addiction. We have thousands of members signed up already, and many people feel it is literally their lifeline.

So sign up today and make sure to read each day's Chizuk e-mail. The Yetzer Hara will do his best to get us to ignore the e-mails after a while, but if we are determined to break free - we must make sure to read and internalize their messages every day. Like drops of water on Rabbi Akiva's rock, a little Chizuk each day can make a very strong impression over time.

The GYE Forum is also a great source of daily Chizuk. Hundreds of members  post daily about their struggles and successes, and they share Chizuk,  inspiration and hope between each other. For many, the forum is literally a lifeline of daily Chizuk; keeping strong as a community.

Our website has many different categories, such as Tips, Stories, Personal Victories, Quotes, Testimonials, Torah Thoughts and more. With all this great content we can learn new things and get stronger all the time!

We can read the Recovery Stories on our site and see how we are not alone. We will read how others - even worse off than us - were able to break free, and we  will be inspired to follow their example!

We can use the Tips section on the site to get new ideas all the time of how to succeed, and we can browse through the hundreds of previous chizuk e-mails to help us continue refining our perspective on this struggle.

We can read through the Q&A category where we will likely find answers to many questions that bothered us, or simply to get some good perspective on a host of issues relating to this addiction.

When feeling bored or vulnerable, we can check out the Kosher Isle of our network, for Kosher entertainment sites, activity ideas, and lots of Torah audio  and video shiurim.

Breaking an addiction is a little like "mind surgery", and in the same way that no one can become a good "neurosurgeon" without huge amounts of studying, we must also be ready to "study" well to succeed in this battle for our souls.

But let's not try to bite too much at once. It is better to read less  (and  consistently) and internalize what we are reading, than to read tons of material all at once and quickly forget it. We need to find a balance that works best for us, where we read a few articles or tips every day; just enough for us to be able to swallow, digest and feel a little stronger today. The Chizuk e-mails are often a perfect “daily dose” in this regard.

Alternate Fulfillment

We frequently focus on breaking the addiction by avoiding triggers and running away from the Yetzer Hara. But often the best way to deal with an addiction, is to remove the underlying "needs" that the addiction is trying to fill by proactively engaging in alternative fulfilling pursuits.

More often than not, an addiction is a psychological escape that we learned to  use as a way to flee from the realities of life. If we can manage, in the early  stages of the addiction, to keep ourselves occupied with healthy and fulfilling activities that we enjoy, and find more meaning in our lives, the addiction will  often fade away of its own accord. Fulfillment often comes from finding realistic challenges and reaching the goals that we set for ourselves.

We should try to find new jobs or projects that will enable us to express our creativity, find enjoyment, and reconnect with life and the world around us. This will help fill the "void" that we were subconsciously trying to satisfy with unhealthy pleasure seeking. Some ideas can be found in our "Kosher Isle" (and especially  in "Kosher Activities" section).

"False" fulfillment causes us to close up into ourselves and slowly destroys our lives and our souls. True fulfillment, on the other hand, helps us open up to the world around us and reconnect with our souls. Every Jew has a “G-d Hole”, a place inside them that feels empty if not filled with G-d. Often, we subconsciously try to fill that feeling of emptiness with lusting. The best way to fill the ‘G-d Hole’ and achieve fulfillment and joy obviously comes from a true connection with Hashem. As the Pasuk says: “Tamu U’re’u Ki Tov Hashem – Taste and see that Hashem is good”, and “Ve’hisaneg al Hashem – Find Pleasure in Hashem”. This can be built up by adding Kedusha to our lives, seeking a deeper connection with Yiddishkeit in general, and through learning Torah with enjoyment. Torah is like water, and we can't put out a fire without water, even if we know  it burns.  We can try to hook up with a new chavrusah or add a shiur to our daily/weekly schedules. See the Torah section of our Kosher Isle for more ideas on how to   add Torah to our lives, and for links to many great websites of Torah audio and video shiurim.

We can also seek “oneg” (pleasure) in Mitzvos like Shabbos and Yom-Tov, through singing zemiros and spending quality time with our children. These  things are also included in “Ve’hisaneg al Hashem” because oneg that is connected to Mitzvos has a kiyum (lasts). Yes, even good food on Shabbos can be a spiritual experience, as opposed to forbidden pleasures which leave us feeling empty inside (and that’s why we want it again so soon afterward).

Other ideas to help us start living "outside of ourselves" and feel more fulfillment  in general, could include Chesed projects or involvement in the community in various ways. If you are a Bochur in Yeshiva, you might try and get the job of organizing the Otzar Haseforim, running a canteen, providing dry cleaning services, haircuts, etc... If you are not learning and also unemployed, try to find   a job! The main thing is to keep busy, reconnect to the world around us and find fulfillment in a variety of ways that will counteract the "false fulfillment" that the addiction tries to provide us with.

Rav Wolbe Zatza”l in his Sefer “Psychiatry and Religion” (Pg. 82) suggests cultivating a combination of religious and social fulfillment to help our youth beat this challenge. He writes:

The difficult phase of adolescence is fertile soil for feelings of guilt,  especially for religious youth. Masturbation is a serious prohibition. Yet almost all youth stumble in this and are unable to find the strength to overcome this in any way. The result is feelings of guilt. This is where wise guidance from Rabbanim and Mechnchim becomes so necessary. As is known, a Rav is not licensed to “forgive sins” and surely not to permit the forbidden. However, he can guide, calm and bring the youth to acceptance  of himself. And together with that, to cultivate an intensive social life and  help bring the youth into the vast wealth of Torah, which can arouse in him a deep thirst to acquire and grow in Torah. As our sages have said, “Torah is good with Derech Eretz, for the toil in both makes  sins be forgotten”. In  other words, the toil in Torah together with the toil of cultivating a thriving social life, brings to a situation where, over time, one forgets to sin. Instead of a constant battle, which is hopeless, through the positive hard work in Torah and a social life, slowly but surely, the youth will recover from masturbation. This is the conventional path of Chinuch that is accepted today. Yes, Torah life needs intensive chinuch. Without chinuch, there is no escape from youth sinking into feelings of guilt and despair.