Rabbi Twerski asks advice from GYE

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GYE for Spouses?

I recieved a call yesterday from a wife. Husband really not interested in help. Does GYE have anything to support spouses?

Twerski

Our Response:

Yes, we have a special board for spouses of addicts on our forum where she will get lots of advice and support (and be able to vent too :-).

All she has to do is sign up to the forum and let me know she is the spouse of an addict and I will give her access to the spouses board.

We have a special hotline for spouses of addicts to get support. Esther (the wife of an addict) helps spouses of addicts deal with this and she has saved many marriages. She also runs an anonymous phone conference for the wives of addicts once a week.

Also, I'm sure you know about S-Anon, which is 12-Step groups for spouses of addicts to get support, advice and learn the 3 "Cs"... What are the 3 C's?

1) They can't CONTROL their husbands

2) They can't CURE their husbands

3) They are not the CAUSE of their husband's addiction

Is Rehab Advisable?

Dear Yakov:

A wife said that someone recommended a week of intensive therapy at a rehab. Her husband's addiction is to porn and masturbation. Is this advisable/necessary?

Twerski

Our Response:

I spoke to the wife and the husband in depth last night and I told them both that I believe rehab is not necessary at this stage unless there will be continued relapses down the line. The wife is claiming zero tolerance for her husband's issues and she is pushing for drastic steps. I told her that it is good that she is giving over a strong message to her husband, because that will increase his chances of success in recovery. However, at the same time, she can't expect perfection right away. There may be a few relapses in the coming months as her husband grows in recovery. He is working the 12-Step program on the GYE phone conferences, and he has employed other powerful tools from our network as well (the double fence TaPHSiC method). Based on his wife's strong stance, his own determination and the tools he is currently using, I would put his chances of success at 75%. I think rehab would be a bit of an overkill at this stage.

Kol Tuv,

Yaakov

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Thank you

Twerski

Caught My 15 Year Old Watching Porn

Dear Yakov,

I received a call from a mother who found her 15 yr old son watching porn

What do you recommend for this age group

Twerski

Our Response:

Dear Rabbi Twerski,

We have a special page for teens on our website. Here are a few suggestions for the parents:

1) If the parents can remove all internet access from their son, that would be best. If this is not possible, they should definitely install a good filter on all internet enabled devices at home (see our website www.venishmartem.com). We suggest GenTech as a reliable filter for computers and phones. In addition, they should also install reporting software like e-Blaster from Spectorsoft so they can keep tabs on everything the son views (and even what he types) on the computer.

2) They should have a heart to heart discussion with the son and explain to him with loving care how addictive these behaviors are (i.e. the more we do them the harder it is to stop), how they have the potential to destroy his life and his future marriage (by learning to objectify women), and that these behaviors can eventually take him away from all connection to Hashem, to Kedusha and his purpose on this world. This should be said in a positive way, by stressing that a Jew is a ben-Melech and needs to be kadosh and these behaviors are not appropriate for us. They may be able to find a Mechanech in their area that would be better equipped and experienced with having these kind of talks with children.

3) If the son is already addicted (and the parents cannot remove his internet access) our website www.guardyoureyes.com allows anyone over the age of 14 to sign up. He can sign up at www.guardyoureyes.com/register and get access to the forums, chat-rooms and partner programs, to give him the support network he needs to help break free. He can also join the 90-day motivational program and read the attitude tips on our site, all of which are appropriate and helpful for young teens as well.

4) The TaPHSiC method can be a big help, especially if it is done with parental guidance and with monetary incentives. For example, I know one father who found out that his 16 year old son was struggling with masturbation. He had a heart to heart talk with him and made him a deal. He took $500 and divided it in two. The first $250 he gave his son on the spot, and the second $250 was for when the son would complete 90 days clean in a row - without any falls. But even the first $250 was with a condition. The son wouldn't spend the money for 90 days, and every time he had a fall, he'd have to give back some of the money. And it worked like this: If the son first did 10 minutes of exercise and said 10 minutes of Tehilim before he had a fall, then he would have to only give back only $25. But if he fell without first doing those two things, he would have to give back $100 to his father. So far, the son has been clean since the deal! (2 months)

5) If the parents try everything and the son is still addicted, he may need therapy. There are addiction therapists who are trained to work with children. Please see our therapist directory.

6) I suggest reading two booklets on our website. One is called "Dear Bochur" which was written by a mechanech with 40 years of experience and it discusses the issurim involved in these things in a way that teens can relate to and appreciate. The second booklet is called "Protecting our Youth" and it would best be read by the parents to give them tools to know how to speak with their children and how to protect them. It was written by mechanchim and therapists in the field.

7) On a final note, we once asked the Rav what we can tell children about intimacy and the Rav responded as follows: Sara Diament M.A, wrote a booklet "Talking to Your Children About Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Parents." It is worth reading. This may be appropriate for the parents to read as well.

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Dear Yakov:

Many thanks.

Tizkeh l'mitzvos

Twerski

Referral

Dear Reb Yakov:

A mother called me about her 19 yr. old son who is in Israel, not functioning well. She says that he has a strong sex drive, but did not say how he was acting out.

She says that he was "molested at age 16." What she describes is the fooling around of two yeshiva boys. She is focusing on this "molestation" as the source of his problem, and says that only a therapist who has had experience treating molestation cases can help him

Can you recommend someone?

twerski

Our Response:

I have information on a number of good therapists in Israel who are trained in addiction, but I do not know if they are trained specifically to deal with molestation. Is he in the Jerusalem area?

The mother can call me at 646-600-8100 X 3.

I would also like to point out that many guys in SA have themselves been molested, and yet they are able to find freedom from their obsessions through the 12-Step program without a therapist. Perhaps we should suggest SA in Israel? (SA is generally more religious here in Israel than in the U.S.)

Referral #2

Dear Yaacov:

I have a cousin in Los Angeles who unfortunately lost her husband after a long battle with cancer.

She has a 16 yr old son who has a porn problem. he has an excellent therapist who admits he is not competent in addiction. The son is not interested in GYE. The mother needs guidance. Whom can she contact?

Thank you

Twerski

Our Response:

Dear Rabbi Twerski,

If they are looking specifically for a therapist who specializes in teens they can try Riki Schwartz from R.E.L.I.E.F. Tel: 718-431-9501 Ext. 203 E-Mail: [[1]]

We also have a special page with resources for teens (and their parents) over here:

https://guardyoureyes.com/resources/teens

Kol Tuv,

Yaakov