Twerski on GYE - Correspondence

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Meschugena world

Rabbi Twerski sent me this email once:

A guy called me today and asks whether I endorse GuardYourEyes, and I said Yes. Then he asked if their derech was "Daas Torah." I said, "How come you didn't call me to ask whether watching pornography was Daas Torah?"

Meschugena world

Twerski

A Heartfelt thank you!

I referred a woman to the website. Here's her response:

"Thank you for being available and helping me out when I thought I’d never smile again. The website is huge. My husband and I are totally using it. Thanks for your swift replies and for devoting your life to helping people. Only Hashem rewards that."

Twerski

Fwd: US visit

From: Abraham Twerski <[[1]]>

Date: Fri, May 2, 2014 at 7:37 AM

Dear Reb Yakov:

You mentioned a fund-raising trip in the US.

I'd like to help, but it's tough for me to get around. So here's a suggestion. Take your lap-top along on calls to individuals, and I'll talk to them on Skype. You can do this in places other than US as well.

For parlor meetings, you might want to set up a larger screen.

Shabbat shalom

       twerski

Toronto Visit

Dear Rabbi Twerski, We are in Toronto now and we are struggling to get in the door with some of the big names in town. We sat with some of the people that the Rav joined us with last time, and they mentioned that if the Rav himself would call some of these people and ask them to sit down with us for a few minutes it would make all the difference in the world. Here are a few names of some very big potential donors:

From: Abraham Twerski <ajht613@gmail.com>

Date: Wed, May 28, 2014 at 11:54 PM

Dear Reb Yakov:

I didn't reach anyone, and left a message to return my call.

We learn the hard way.

Next time, give me the names and addresses of the potential donors, and I'll write an introductory letter in advance of your coming.

Twerski

Cotton Candy and the Art of Surrender

I once shared this idea with our members on GYE:

One of the greatest successes of the 12-Step program is in teaching addicts how to surrender instead of fighting against desires that they feel ‘powerless’ over. But the question often comes up, what does surrender really mean and how is it really different than ‘fighting’?

I thought of an analogy that might help us understand better how this works. Let’s imagine a 6-year-old child who is crazy about cotton candy, he simply can’t resist it. He passes by the cotton-candy man each day and uses his pocket money to buy himself the delicious treat. But his Dad keeps telling him that it is bad for him, it is just plain sugar and will make him fat and give him cavities and make him sick. But he just can’t say no. Each day, as he gets closer to the cotton candy man, his mind begins fighting back and forth, he knows it’s bad for him and that Dad doesn’t approve, but he just can’t resist the temptation and keeps falling for it. The fight is basically a foregone conclusion for this 6-year-old. He simply doesn’t have the maturity of thought, nor the self-discipline or the ability to visualize the future damage that he may be causing to himself. Could we expect more from a 6-year-old?

But now, let’s imagine that his father is taking him for a walk. Soon they are about to pass by the cotton-candy man and the young boy begins to imagine the sweet taste of the candy and wishes he could run and buy the treat. But he is holding his father’s hands and feeling his father's love. He knows that his father only has his best interest in mind always, and even though he is perhaps too young still to fully appreciate it, he is so grateful for his father’s presence in his life. As they get closer, he remembers how his father always chides him about buying the treat, and he knows deep down that his father is right. After all, he is just a little boy and his father is so much older and wiser.

Does the boy have to struggle not to break away and go buy himself the treat? His father’s will for him is so much stronger than his own, and he knows that it’s for his own good. The boy doesn’t have to fight anyone, neither himself nor his father. He will just naturally ‘let go’ of the notion as they pass by the cotton candy machine and continue walking down the street. And he notices how his father gives him a big smile as they pass by, and he feels his love more than ever.

Perhaps this is how surrender is supposed to work. Addicts are like 6-year-olds facing the irresistible cotton candy. We’ve lost the ability to think rationally or visualize the future damage that we are causing ourselves when we act out, and our own strengths can’t win this fight. But the 12-Step program teaches us how to bring G-d, our Father, more into our lives. We learn to rely on Him more, and we trust fully that He truly has our very best interest in mind at all times. We begin to feel that He is holding our hand, even when we feel down. Then, when we pass the temptation, we no longer need to fight with ourselves to give it up. We simply surrender to a Will that is so much larger than our own, in the knowledge that we are being cared for by Someone so much greater and wiser than ourselves.

So the next time the temptation strikes, let’s try to imagine we are walking hand-in-hand with G-d, feeling His love, and trusting that He only wants the best for us… And hopefully, we will see that instead of fighting, we can simply surrender our will to our Higher-power and move on with a smile.

When I asked Rabbi Twerski if I had expressed the idea of “Surrender” correctly, he responded (by phone) as follows:

The moshol is very good, the only problem is that you need a lot of Emunah. Because the child knows he is holding on to the father's hand. The “shvisi Hashem linegdi tamid” is where it breaks down... The addiction is a massive attack against Emunah. And as Chavakuk said, all 613 mitzvos can be summed up as Emunah. The addiction attacks all 613 mitzvos by attacking Emunah. But I agree with the Moshol (because that's what the 3rd step is all about -"turning our will and our lives over to the care of God", and Steps 4-12 are all teach us how to do Step 3 the best we can). I think you expressed it well, it's very good. Although there are probably different aspects of surrender, this one is certainly very good.

How do the 12-Steps make us into mentchen?

I sent this email to Rabbi Twerski and asked for his feedback.

In yesterday's Chizuk e-mail we discussed how the 12-Steps represent the fundamental moral principles of what it means to be a "mentch", and how we addicts need to start again from the very foundations. Afterwards, Ahron sent us the following e-mail:

Another incredibly powerful Chizuk e-mail. Very compelling - I'm convinced and ready to become a mentsch! Now tell me the foundations that I can't find in mussar seforim....? Please don't leave us hanging!

I would now like to attempt to answer Ahron's question to some extent:

Dear Ahron,

The way I see it, the addiction is only a symptom of a larger "disease", which is a general "disconnect" from the very root of what makes us mentchen. The 12-Steps were designed to give a person a refreshed perspective of what it means to be a human being - created in Hashem's image, at a level so basic that even Goyim can understand. Once a person has these yesodos, they can go on to become true Yidden and great Yidden.

The truth is, that ALL humans - especially Yidden, can gain a tremendous amount from the 12-Step perspective. After all, our addictions is only a "symptom" of the disease. Unfortunately though, many Yidden have this disease - even if they did not develop the symptoms that we did. So in a sense, we are fortunate as addicts to be FORCED to refresh our very foundations, because we know that otherwise we are finished.

So what ARE these "basic foundations" already??

Well, for us to be able to heal - and we MUST heal, we addicts must learn to completely surrender our lust to Hashem. Not only that, but we also learn surrender our RIGHT to lust, as well as any expectation of ever achieving lust. All of this is surrendered to Hashem so that we can heal. But this is a tall order. How can we, who have lost all control in this area, successfully learn to surrender all this to Hashem? How can we achieve a level of surrender so profound, that we no longer even need to fight to overcome lust and Hashem does it for us?

I think the answer can be found in two words that appear in the first Pasuk of Shema: Hashem Echad. The unification of Hashem is perhaps the most fundamental and constant of all of the 613 Mitzvos. But what does this have to do with us? Let me explain.

This overriding Mitzva of divine unification, is not just about believing that there is only one G-d. The Chassidic Masters have taught us that our entire lives, every second and everything we do, should ultimately be an expression of Hashem's unity.

But How? As human beings, we have our own desires and needs, and this seemingly conflicts with Hashem's absolute unification. After all, if there is only Hashem and nothing else, why do I want to do my own things, things that often conflict with His will?

And so, in order for a Jew learns to live his life as an expression of Hashem's absolute unity, it means that he has to learn to completely let go of "self-centeredness" and have Hashem in mind in all his deeds. And when a Jew does everything for Hashem's sake and not his own, then even his eating and his sleeping become expressions of Hashem's unity. And this is the underlying message of the 12-Steps:

"Completely letting go of self-centeredness"

This is achieved through the following fundamental moral principles:

- Dependence on Hashem. As addicts, we have no choice but to learn the deepest and most profound connection to Hashem. A complete "life & death" dependency on Him, analogous to the dependency of a one day old baby who is completely and absolutely dependent on its mother. If we read Tehilim, we can see that David Hamelech expressed this type of connection with Hashem again and again throughout Tehhilim. "Ke'gamul alei Imo - like a babe who suckles from his mother". Who had imagined that we could reach a level anything close to David Hamelech? But we can. We HAVE to.

- Humility. Achieving absolute dependency on Hashem requires total humility. This is not hard for the addict, for he has completely surrendered and admitted that he cannot do it alone, and he knows this with 100% clarity. Through this admission of powerlessness, he is able to achieve a very high level of humility, analogous to Moshe Rabbeinu who said:"Va'anachnu mah? - What are we?".

- Pure Faith. We are forced to quit playing G-d and let Hashem run our lives. We acknowledge that we are no longer in we control and give ourselves over to Hashem's care, to do with us as he sees fit. This leads to drastic life changes, not just in the area of the addiction. We are able to achieve a high level of the Torah's commandment: "Tamim Tehiyeh Im Hashem Elokecha - You shall walk in perfect faith with the Almighty, your G-d".

- Honesty. In order to heal, we are forced to learn rigorous honesty with ourselves, with others, and with Hashem - in all our affairs. This allows for a host of vital life-changes, such as true introspection, learning to discern when the Yetzer Hara/addiction is talking to us as opposed to the Yetzer Tov, and it also allows us to squarely face our faults and make amends wherever we have erred. We are able to achieve a high level of the Midda of Emes, something that the biggestTzadikim spent lifetimes to achieve. And as we all know, Emes is the foundation of the entire Torah. "Hakadosh Baruch Hu Emes, Ve'Chosamo emes - G-d is Truth, and his stamp is Truth".

These are some of the basic foundations stones, divided into 12-Steps, that help us learn to completely remove our self-centeredness. Through them, we develop a true willingness and desire to help others, with no thought of getting anything in return. And this is practiced in all our affairs, and with all those we interact with. Ultimately, this can spill over to help us reach the highest levels of "Lishma" - living our lives and all we do purely "for the sake of Heaven".

But Ahron, it's easy to write these things down. After all, I did it in a half hour. But to learn to truly live this way takes the kind of life changes that can happen only through joining groups, getting a sponsor, and working the steps into our lives - day by day. In the groups, we learn to LIVE these life-changes by sharing hope and experience, and through helping others.

Now it's not that these things can't be found in Mussar, but it has a totally different affect when practiced as a group, as Rabbi Twerski writes over here. Also, please take a moment to see what Rabbi Twerski writes on this page in answer to Question #1 about why the groups are generally much more effective than Mussar.

Rabbi Twerski Responded:

your response to Ahron is great.

chazak ve'ematz

twerski

I shared with Rabbi Twerski

Someone wrote to GYE:

I am a real sicko - a loser. I am so subconsciously focused on lust and I am almost 50 yrs old.  Why can't I just be normal? I agree everyone has nisyonos from time to time, but it feels like I'm always stuck in the mud!

Response:

A great king lived in a beautiful palace, high above the cities that he ruled. One day, the king called in his loyal messenger and asked him to set out on a journey to the cities below on a mission to see where fixes were needed and what tasks needed to be attended to by the kingdom. The king promised the messenger great reward if he returned successful from his journey, and he supplied the messenger with a strong horse to ride to be able to carry out his bidding.

The messenger set out on his journey, but the horse was soon tired and wanted to rest. After a short stop, the messenger was eager to continue on his journey and fulfill the king's bidding, but the horse wanted to sleep some more. Finally he managed to rouse the horse but then it wanted to eat. The messenger gave the horse some oats and continued on the journey. Soon they came across a group of female horses grazing in the field. The horse began to stray off the path towards the mares and the messenger had no choice but to whip his horse back onto the path. When this kept repeating itself, the messenger fashioned a pair of blinders out of leather to keep the horse from getting distracted by seeing to the sides. After a few more hours, the horse again wanted to eat and rest, and when they were finally on the way again, the horse stumbled and got stuck in the mud. It took the messenger many hours to pull it out of the mud and continue on the journey.

And so it went at all stages of his travels throughout the kingdom. The horse kept straying, wanting to eat, rest and getting stuck in all sorts of unpleasant situations. Throughout it all, the messenger kept reminding himself of the king's mission and his great responsibility. He had to keep whipping the horse into submission so it would stay on track.

When the messenger finally returned to the king after many months of grueling travel, the king greeted him with great pomp and fanfare, personally coming out to greet him with a full royal entourage. The messenger was truly grateful, but asked the king why he had given him the horse in the first place. After all, it was continuously distracting to him, causing him no end of delays and hardships. The king smiled and explained, "My dear messenger. I knew that the horse would distract you and be a big nuisance, but without the horse you could never have fulfilled the mission. It was the horse that carried you down to the cities below and allowed you to travel throughout my kingdom and do my bidding. And it is precisely because you succeeded in spite of the hardships that I now wish to appoint you as one of my closest advisors. This mission I gave you was really a test was to see if the horse would succeed in distracting you from your duty to the king, or if you would always remember your responsibility to the king and keep the horse in submission."

Our souls were sent down to this world on an important mission for the King of kings. To this end, we were given a body--like the horse in the parable--to enable us to interact with the physical world and carry out the King's bidding. But we must always remember that we are the riders of the horse, with full control of the reigns! Yes, our "horse" keeps feeling hungry, tired, lazy and sometimes distracted by the "mares" out there, but we must keep the binders on its eyes and the whip in our hands at all time. When we feel overwhelmed by desire and tell ourselves it's too hard, we must remember that this is just our HORSE talking. We don't need to give in to the horse. We are the riders, and we have an important mission to fulfill!

Happy are those who ride their horse and keep it on track. How wonderful will be their lot when they return to the King of kings after 120; what great honor and reward awaits them! And woe to those who let their horse ride them!

Rabbi Twerski Responded:

Very Good.

Great!

twerski

Text versions of Rabbi Twerski's 12-Step Books

Dear Yaacov:

Here is the response from Hazelden.

"The files for your book, The Spiritual Self are in Quark Xpress. If you can work with Quark files, I will be happy to send them to you. I’ve forwarded your request to Don Freeman in our production department".

"Waking Up Just in Time" is published by St Martins Press. I have no contact there.

"Self-improvement, I'm Jewish" is an Art Scroll book.

Twerski

Thank you very much for your efforts.

A few questions, if I may:

1) What about the book "Addictive Thinking", does Hazelden have that file as a text doc?

2) Does the Rav have a contact in St Martins Press regarding the book "Waking Up Just in Time"?

3) Does the Rav have a contact in Artscroll to perhaps ask for the file of the book: "Self-improvement, I'm Jewish"?

4) Are there any other books on the 12-Steps that the Rav wrote which Hazelden may have the file?

Thank you for the help!

Dear Yaacov:

I don't know what Hazelden has.

I don't have any contact at St Martin

I'll contact  ArtScroll re: Self Improvement I'm Jewish

I don't recall anything more on the 12 steps

Shabbat Shalom

Twerski

This is what I received from ArtScroll:

May I ask the people running this project to people send us ([[2]]) an email clearly specifying what they want to copy. We always try to be cooperative, but our copyright covenants are governed by clearly defined parameters, and we can only consider granting permission after we clearly understand the specifics

Twerski.

The "Teshuva & Recovery" Book

Dear Reb Yaacov:

As you know, I've started a book on Teshuvah=Recovery. I'd like to include some material of Dov's, of course, with giving due credit to GYE and Dov, especially on the issue of Yiddishkeit changes Is that OK?

I'm attaching what I've written so far. Please comment

Twerski

Dear Rabbi Twerski,

Thank you for giving me the zechus and opportunity to comment on the Rav's writings.

I attached the file with my comments and questions. Everything that I fixed or commented on appear as "tracked changes" in Word (in red), and can be reversed. Also, they are only suggestions, the Rav can choose to ignore them of-course.

It would help for me to understand the overall goal of this book. The beginning seems to be about what we can learn from recovery groups for the process of Teshuvah. This is a worthy topic indeed, but the question is, will anyone start publicly confessing their sins bein adam lechaveiro in public as a result of this book? Will people begin to truly feel the pain and destruction of sin, like addicts share and cry in the groups? Will we start making fearless moral inventories of anyone we ever harmed? Will people begin doing Teshuva in group settings? Although it would be great if Yidden would be ready to do this, I don't think 99.9% of people "hit bottom" enough with regular "sins" to take these drastic steps. So if not, what are we to take away from this reading practically?

Also, is the Rav planning to write about why sometimes people in 12-Step groups get weaker in their Yiddishkeit, why it happens, and what we can do to prevent this?

If the Rav wants to discuss this more, I can be reached at [Ext 3|646-600-8100 Ext 3].

Hatzlacha on this worthy endeavor!

Yaakov

Dear Reb Yaacov:

“Will anyone start confessing publicly as a result of this book?” They haven’t listened to the Rambam, why should they listen to me? Yet the fact that nobody listens did not stop the Rambam from writing it.

The reason I wrote that piece is to rebut those who say that public declarations in 12-step meetings is against halacha. They should realize that those who DO NOT do so are not biding by halacha.

Reb Yisrael Salant wrote that proper learning of mussar requires hispaalus. Do you see that happening? Yet he wrote it.

All the points you raise are the same. Just because 99.9% of people may not hit a spiritual bottom like the addict is no reason to refrain from pointing out their dereliction.

What is my goal? Firstly, to let “frum” people become more aware about addiction. Also, those who say that some people in recovery become weaker in their Yiddishkeit should become aware that their observance of Yiddishkeit prior to recover was of very poor quality. This is the kind of hypocritical Yiddishkeit against which the neviim protested and brought  about the churban.

I will try to address why some people in 12-steps become “weaker” in Yiddishkeit. I don’t expect people to like what I’m going to say.

Thank you for the explanations, and for explaining the goal of the book.

It seems to me that perhaps the Rambam was speaking of real balei Teshuvah who make a 180 degree turn around, which are indeed a rarity today. For example, someone who was brought up frum but rebelled, did many aveiros, was mechalel shabbos, etc. and now he wants to come back to Hashem with his full heart. For such a person, Rambam is outlining what real Teshuva means (he even mentions Galus!). This kind of Teshuva is rare today because most "Balei Teshuva" are tinokos shenishbu and don't need this kind of Teshuva. And regular frum Jews don't generally consider themselves big enough sinners to warrant this kind of Teshuva. But for someone who rebelled and came back, the Rav's book can indeed be a helpful guideline to what real Teshuvah is supposed to look like. It takes courage to say it, but it is good to be said.

As a side point, it seems to me that the main reason people get weaker in their yiddishkeit is because the 12-Steps show them that religion without "spirituality" was never enough to keep them sober, as the Rav mentions in the book. They suddenly realize that only a REAL relationship with "My own G-d" can keep me sober. While working the program, they come to see how shallow their yiddishkeit was all these years, that it was all mitzvas anashim melumada. There is an epiphany that their emunah never really "worked" for them and wasn't real.

So when they get weaker in their Yiddishkeit, what is really happening is that they are letting go of the yiddishkeit of their childhood - a yiddishkeit that hasn't changed or grown since they were about age 7.

But hopefully, if they have the nekudas emunah inside them, this new awareness will allow them to rebuild their yiddishkeit from the ground up in a much more REAL way. אמת מארץ תצמח. Like a seed that rots before it can bring forth new life.

Yes, "Integrity" and real "Emes" can be a double edged sword.

But to help prevent this adverse reaction, perhaps it is important to point out in the book the tremendous "segula" of the Torah and Mitzvos, even when done imperfectly. There is a great light in the Torah that can bring a person back "lemutav" even if he just does the "actions". Perhaps if we stress this, we can help some Yidden in recovery who are letting go, to still try to do their best to put on teffilin, daven and keep the Mitzvos. For we believe that the "actions" bring to the "heart" (as long as they believe this, and work in that direction).

May the Rav have the siyata dishmaya and wisdom from Hashem to write what truly needs to be said and heard for Hashem's people.

Dear Reb Hirsch Meir:

I would like to put in an Acknowledgment page :

"A special thank you to the Guard Your Eyes organization for providing invaluable material for this book"

What is the proposed publication date?

Twerski

From: Hirsch Meir Traube <[[3]]>

Date: Tue, Apr 5, 2016 at 1:02 AM

Subject: Re: acknowledgement

To: Abraham Twerski <[[4]]>

Hello Rabbi Twerski,

Sure. We will put that in.

Will you be adding any more material or is the latest version the final?

We would like to aim for an Elul release BE"H since the theme of the book is Teshuvah.

Homosexuality

Has the Rav written anything on homosexuality?

Rabbi Twerski Responded:

I have not had adequate clinical experience with homosexuality to write about it

On His Own Terms

I spoke with Rabbi Twerski last night, he asked me for a referral for someone in SA who wasn't committed enough and was relapsing every 2 weeks or so... Rabbi Twerski claims he told the person that he wants a comfortable withdrawal on his own terms and isn't ready to surrender... I sent him to Brad Saltzman who lives now in Bet Shemesh.