Resources for Spouses

Q&A

You've just discovered your husband looks at porn. Here are some questions that may go through your mind.

Is my fault?

It is absolutely not your fault. Here are three C's to remember: You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. There is nothing in the world that you could've done differently that would've stopped your husband from looking at pornography. Many women who discover that their husbands are watching porn think that if they would be prettier, thinner, taller, more attractive, more successful, smarter, prayed more, worked harder or been a better wife, that would've saved him from this grave sin.

Many of us learn in school that we are our husband's wall of protection, and that his Shmiras Einayim is our mitzvah. While as a wife, we have power and definitely can influence our husband's fulfillment in all areas, we are NOT responsible for his choices. Shmiras Einayim is his mitzvah and his responsibility alone.

Is my marriage over?

The better question is how is your marriage overall? How is your communication? How does your husband treat you? Is he involved with your children? Is he honest with you? How does he handle his responsibilities? What's he like under stress and pressure? Do you feel cherished and appreciated? Do you respect him as a person?

These questions can point you to the bigger picture of your marriage as a whole. Discovering your husband looking at pornography, is very disturbing, and if left unchecked, can turn into a severe habit or addiction. However even with addiction there is hope for recovery. It's important to step back and look at the forest despite the proximity of the trees. The trees are definitely thorns in your side, but with the right intervention and guidance your marriage can not only survive, it can thrive.

Does it mean he cheated on me?

Many women feel emotionally betrayed when they discover their husband watching porn, and Rightfully so. Your husband's eyes should be for you only. Physical intimacy should be an outcome of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is born from trust. Without trust there is no safety. Trust is the bond that glues a marriage together and keeps it sacred. When a spouse acts out by watching porn, he is acting out of the bounds of a marriage. When he is watching vile images on the internet and getting a high from it, he is not in a relationship with you at the time. He is in a fantasy and and detached from you. That can definitely feel like betray and be considered an act of cheating.  

Is he addicted ?

There are certain criteria that categorize addiction. The most recognized aspect is when a person tries many times to stop and continuously fails. Another symptom is if the person keeps up the behaviors despite the negative consequences. It often takes an addict facing serious unmanageability in his life to reach out for help. Usually the addiction progresses and constantly needs more intensity to get the fix, which  often  means hitting a rock bottom and an all time low before reaching out for help. Many times it takes someone - usually a loved one who is being adversely impacted,  to 'force' the addict into treatment and recovery.

Addiction is often correlated with behaviors such as outright lying, dishonesty, manipulation and isolation. There is a tremendous amount of shame and guilt that usually accompany the addict, which then perpetuates the vicious cycle of acting out. At the core of it all, is an overall sense of worthlessness that permeates the addict being, eventually eroding his most important relationships.

On the other hand, a habit, while being destructive is not necessarily an addiction. Many addicts start their addiction as early as their preteen years and will attribute their lusting to a difficult childhood. All too often, children who grow up with parents who were emotionally unavailable, track their feeling of being love hungry to their adverse experiences early on in life. It is usually that loneliness and pain that drove them to chase their first fix, hoping, in desperation to fill that void.

Can he stop?

Habits with determination and strong boundaries in place can be stopped before they spiral out of control.

Addiction generally needs stronger measures to stop and a lifelong commitment to life style changes that will keep the addiction in check. Therefore an addict us never really considered cured even though he may be recovered.

As part of the commitment to a new way of life,  An addict generally needs to admit he's powerless over the addiction and recognize that his life has become unmanageable. Once the addict can own that and face himself with brutal honesty, there is much hope that he can stop acting out and recover.

12 step programs are widely successful for all Kinds of addictions and across a spectrum for exactly this reason. The steps are based on spiritual principals and rely on a  Higher Power to heal. It's precisely the attitude of self reliance that brought the addict to this level of insanity. By surrendering thier will to the will of power greater than self they fill thier hole inside with a loving relationship with God.

There are many treatment programs, rehabs and therapies that work with addiction as well. They target the trauma as well as the behaviors associated with addiction.

It takes honesty, openness and willingness as well as commitment and perseverance, and the addict can not only have recovery but should expect miracles along the way.

Does it mean I am not attractive?

It absolutely does not mean you are not attractive. This habit- addiction does not discriminate. Husbands of the most beautiful, attractive, successful, spiritual, talented, charismatic, smart and accomplished women act out. Research suggests that men can love and be attracted to thier wives, and still look at pornography. This is not about you or your looks. It's about him and his choices. No woman can compete with the internet. NO WOMAN SHOULD.

You must know, that getting a high from porn will never fulfill your husband's  needs or desires. What he does need and desire, but may not know is a real connection with his wife, based on unconditional love and respect. The web is a dark place that traps anyone in its grasp. It's a vile world that promotes body objectification and subhuman fantasies. It devalues the essence of a human being and strips away all dignity from those unfortunate enough to get entrapped.

Can I trust him as a partner?

This is an important question that begs deeper introspection. Can you time travel back to the time you were dating and just got married? What values did you see in your husband that were important to you? What character traits did you see in him that you decided you want him as your partner in life? Picture his essence and his aspirations. Did you feel a soul connection?

You may feel like this breach of trust is insurmountable and you'll never be able to regain what you lost. It's common and so easy to forget what brought the two of you together when you feel so betrayed, and the fabric of your marriage just eroded.

Although trust is sort of all or nothing. With hard work it is repairable. It requires being vulnerable and taking risks and is wise to do with the guidance of a qualified professional or Rabbi. \

Will I ever feel safe with him again?

With the rebuilding of trust, you can regain safety. Many couples in recovery find that when they work together on their relationship, the healing can bring you closer than before. Working together often creates a sacred space for your marriage to flourish. It can be a truly miraculous journey that you choose to travel together, binding you in a unique spiritual union.

Is it a religious issue?

Watching pornography is certainly a religious issue, but not a religious issue alone. The Torah clearly speaks of the obligation to guard ones eyes, and not see impure images. It is straight forward and pretty black on white what one needs to do to abstain from unclean thoughts going through his mind.

There is also a moral issue with watching pornography. One does not need to be religious to understand the dangers of pornography. It is honoring the core value of a human being to refrain from seeing images of people defiled and stripped of any human dignity. Even among secular culture there are many who realize the need to protest and protect oneself and ones children from such sick entertainment becoming more standardized.

There are also mental health concerns attached to watching pornography. Most of which we discussed in the other questions. It sets one up for objectifying others, unsatisfying relationships and a host of other behaviors.

Yet, with all this being said, we sadly see a reality of God fearing men (and women) that have unfortunately become hijacked by the temptations of pornography. And this clearly points us in the direction of what addiction means. It is possible for someone with true yiras shamayim to be an addict. The definition of addiction is a disease of impulse control where one wants to stop but can't on his own despite the negative consequences. If understood as such, we can understand that one can be an upstanding Jew in many areas of his life, have a true desire to serve Hashem and be a ben Torah. And just like a Diabetic needs medication to keep his sugar under control so does the addict need his "meds" to keep his addiction in check

How does watching porn effect him?

As much as watching pornography may seem like one isolated behavior, it can still have devastating effects on all other areas of ones life. As we discussed earlier, it is destructive and extremely toxic for the brain. There is little room for a person who habitually watches porn to experience true intimacy. The gifts, joy and blessings that are derived from the respect and love between a couple are non existent to a person who chooses pornography over intimacy and true connection.

The habitual porn watcher, can easily get accustomed to objectifying others and form relationships based on selfishness and empty fantasies.  becoming desensitized, he chases highs and  illusions that don't exist in real relationships. Relating to others from this frame of mind directly downgrades ones quality of life, and deprives him of satisfaction that is long lasting and meaningful.

To get a deeper grasp of how addiction itself effects the addicts life, we'll need to elaborate on what addiction is and explore what fuels it.  Dr Gabor Mate, renowned for his work on childhood trauma and addictions, puts it this way: "don't ask why the addiction, ask why the pain.."

There is a common phenomenon, that addicts are emotionally frozen at the age level of when their addiction started. When a young teen starts watching pornography and masturbating compulsively, they stop maturing emotionally. The addict usually was in an immense amount of pain, but in retrospect, was incapable of feeling his feelings. As long as he is in active addiction, that cycle repeats itself and he isn't able to reach his full emotional maturity.  One can be a 35 year old married man, father of 5, in active addiction, on the maturity level of a 15 year old. As long as they are in the addiction, there is no real emotional growth.

This concept is not about labelling or judging, it's about shedding light on the internal world of the addict you are living with. Sadly, addiction robs the person from growing up and living life to it's fullest. While others are learning, thinking, questioning, developing their sense of self, and relationships the addict is detached and living in his own world, often, with a skewed sense of reality and warped perspective of the world around him. This isolated mindset breeds toxicity and impacts how he interprets others, interacts in a work setting and of course his most interpersonal relationships.

Brain scans show that the brain of addicts are wired differently than brains of non addicts.  Understandably, the addiction didn't grow in a vacuum, and the addict was likely set up both by his nature and nurture. There can be a predisposition for the addiction, but it'll usually take relational trauma to set it off. A suffering child will numb instead of feeling. And the addict is nothing less than a pure and precious suffering child inside.

If it's an addiction , how else does it impact me?

In addition to addiction itself impacting your intimate relationship with your husband, the addiction often comes along with accompanying behaviors such as isolation, dishonesty, procrastinating, black and white thinking  and in general being reactive rather than proactive in leading a functional life. In a nutshell, life can feel chaotic, and it often  can feel like your living with a child. Your expectations of whom you thought you married, may be shattered time and time again.

There are also cases where addiction comes along with co- occurring disorders such as: depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar, BPD....in these situations treatment is available. There are trained professionals who specialize in dual diagnosis, and high quality treatment is available. Rehab can also be an option, especially when it comes to chronic relapse.

Clearly this will not only effect your relationship but will also impact other areas of your life. Many women report knowing something was wrong well before they discovered their partners addiction. In fact, some report relief in discovering the source of the confusion they've been living with until than. There can be a pervasive sense of crazy making patterns that leave you wondering "am I insane?!".  Spouses of addicts often feel guilt, shame and an overwhelming sense of unworthiness  and loneliness. If your reading this and thinking, "wow! That's definitely my life.." than know your not alone. (If what your reading does not resonate, than your husband may not be an addict.)

What else can I do about it?

Coming here and reading these questions and answers is a great start! Here are some ideas of some things you can do to improve the quality of your life:

1. Educate yourself on what addiction is, and isn't. There are great books out there that can give you clarity and a deeper understanding of what your dealing with.

2. Find a supportive therapist, that is TRAINED specifically in sex addiction. Understanding the in's and out's of addiction is crucial in getting the right kind of help you deserve.

3. Find a support group. You are not meant to do this alone. Fellowship is life saving when your feeling isolation. There are others out there going through the same thing, who would want to be there for you just like others were there for them.

You may find such groups:

• A. Group therapy
• B. Right here at GYE, in our weekly phone meetings.
• C. S-anon.

S-Anon is a spiritual program based on the12 steps, and was created for spouses (and relatives) of sex addicts. The group experience can be very supportive, and offer much needed experience, strength and hope. Many find S-Anon to be very healing for their trauma and find true healing from the effects, sexaholism had on their life. It is even possible to feel gratitude and feel joy once again.

4. Get a sponsor who can walk you through the steps of S-Anon. A sponsor, and step work can show you how to surrender control over the addicts life and choices, and instead turn to a power greater than yourself to find sanity and serenity.

5. Find a Rabbi or mentor who understands addiction and can give you spiritual guidance. Every one needs direction in life, and having a spiritual guide to turn to in times of confusion and distress can bring you much needed solace, comfort and clarity.

6. Double down on your self care and know your worth and value. Being full will enable you to give from overflow. You cannot afford to be on empty now. Go out with a friend. Laugh. Do something you love. Learn something new. Play your favorite song. Sing. Write. Dance. Play. Swim. Watch the sunset. Sit in nature. Most important, be patient with yourself. It's a process of one day at a time.

Books

• A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy
• Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
• Mending A Shattered Heart
• Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts
• Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts
• Sexaholics Anonymous
• Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love
• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
• A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy
• Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame
• Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity
• Porn Addict’s Wife: Surviving Betrayal and Taking Back Your Life