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Lesson 1

Debunking Myths

MYTH #1: MY STRUGGLE PROVES THAT I'M A LOSER

You may fear that if anyone were to find out about your (probably secret) struggle, they wouldn't be able to love or accept you. Rest assured that this is a common fear of guys who come to the GYE program. While other people may have difficulty understanding your particular struggle, most would be more empathetic than you think as P&M is the nisayon of our generation. As they learn more about your problem and witness your progress in overcoming it, they'll likely become strongly supportive of you.

Once you've learned the skills, tools, and know-how to overcome your negative behavior, we know that you'll succeed in recovery as so many others have from the GYE program.

True or false?

A friend of yours struggles with gambling. Suffering from a gambling addiction means they are a loser who has no innate value.

MYTH #4: MASTURBATION IS A NEED; IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST.

Some guys assume that single guys need to masturbate because their urges would be intolerable if they didn't. However, those who've successfully abstained from masturbation have found that while it felt uncomfortable in the short term, there was no unbearable "build-up".

"I used to think back when I was regularly motzi zera levatala [masturbating] that it would be impossible for me to stop completely and that I would necessarily fail even if I tried to stop. And that's exactly what happened. Every time. Until I found GYE. I learned something important - I was capable of restraint. Masturbation was NOT something that I needed to be happy. In fact, I found myself feeling happier, more satisfied, and more fulfilled without it." @Ftndrug

True or false

I have never successfully exercised restraint before. Restraining myself from doing something I enjoy is always just too unbearable.

Tool: Decisional Balance

Worksheet Needed: Decisional Balance Worksheet

In this topic, we explore why your motivation to change can come and go. The following cost-benefit analysis (CBA) exercise is one of the best ways to identify your behavior's pros and cons, and it can fuel your motivation to change.

EXERCISE: YOUR COSTS AND BENEFITS

The CBA is probably the most helpful exercise for generating motivation: it can really crystalize the reasons why change is necessary.

When you first started using P&M (and perhaps even now), you probably told yourself that the benefits outweighed the costs. However, have you ever really stopped to scrutinize just how true this is?

People with negative behavior typically have two types of thinking - short-term and long-term. Short-term thinking tells you that P&M makes you feel instantly better, whereas long-term thinking tells you the behavior is bad for you and you want to live a healthier life.

As short-term and long-term thinking never happens at the same time, the CBA exercise helps you to closely compare your behavior's immediate benefits and its far-reaching consequences.

Early hints to the CBA exercise can be found in Pirkei Avos: “Consider the cost of a mitzvah against its rewards, and the rewards of a transgression against its cost.”

Example of a CBA for P&M:

Benefits of P&M: Write a list of the benefits of watching P&M. Indicate whether these benefits are short-term (ST) or long-term (LT). It feels good while I’m watching it (ST). It helps me release stress (ST).	Costs of P&M: Write a list of the costs of watching P&M. Indicate whether these costs are short-term (ST) or long-term (LT). I feel guilty and ashamed afterward (LT). It’s hurting my relationship with my wife (LT).
Benefits of change:   Write a list of the benefits of not watching porn. Indicate whether these benefits are short-term (ST) or long-term (LT).   I won’t have to feel anxious about getting caught (LT). I won’t feel guilty or hypocritical anymore (LT).	Costs of change: Write a list of the costs of not watching porn. Indicate whether these costs are short-term (ST) or long-term (LT). I won’t get that instant feeling of physical release (ST). I won’t know how to function without getting this feeling of release every day (ST).

Now download the Decisional Balance Worksheet, and write your own CBA, listing as many of the benefits and costs you associate with change or no change.

Weighing the pros and cons

The CBA exercise should help to clarify the kind of future you'd like to have and whether your current behavior is allowing you to achieve it or not. The following questions may help you to summarize your thoughts and feelings:

• What do I want my future to look like?
• Is my current behavior helping me to achieve the future I want?
• How do I feel about my current behavior?
• What could I do differently to ensure I have the future I want?
• How would changing my behavior make me feel?

Now, use the following questions to help you think about change:

• Does watching porn align with the things most important to me, like my family, friendships and health?
• Has watching porn prevented me from achieving any of my personal goals?
• What's the greatest benefit of my current P&M behavior? How does this compare to the greatest negative consequence of my P&M behavior?
• Has the pros and cons exercise changed any of the initial mixed feelings I had about my P&M behavior?
• After weighing up all of the pros and cons, do I want to change now?

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. They'll just tell you where you are in the contemplation stage and how motivated you are to change at this moment in time.

Recap: The exercise you've just learned will be very helpful for not only generating motivation but for renewing your motivation when it starts to flag. Just get this worksheet out and look at it whenever this happens. Hopefully, this topic will have helped you get your priorities in perspective and to feel you’re ready to change your life for the better.