Filters

The "Ushmartem Es Mishmarti" Method

A method developed by #HashemHelpMe

Intro

There's a beautiful ohr hachaim hakadosh on the Pasuk ושמרתם את משמרתי לבלתי עשות מחקות התועבת אשר נעשו לפניכם ולא תטמאו בהם (Acharei mos 18:30). It's a Posuk in the Parsha of Arayos that we read on Yom Kippur:

ושמרתם את משמרתי. יצו ה' על הגדרים השומרים לבלתי יבא להכשל בתיעוב, והוא אומרו ושמרתם את משמרתי פירוש משמרת הגדר, והטעם לבלתי עשות וגו' אפילו בשוגג

The Ohr Hachaim is bothered by two questions:

• What is bechukos hatoevos? You just listed all the things that you are not allowed to do. What's this mishmarti, What can't you do?
• What's this lashon levilty asos. It's like a lashon hifil. It's like, "and it shouldn't happen to happen". It should say, shelo laasos. what is "levilti asos?".

So he explains that it's referring to gedarim that you put in place so that it shouldn't happen - even by accident.

If you want a child not to go down a slide, you don't put a fence at the top of the ladder where the slide begins. You put the fence at the bottom of the ladder, you avoid the situation completely. You don't want to get into a situation that they're basically gonna slip. Similar to the Gamara that says that to a nazir you you tell them that when you come to a vineyard, you go schor, schor, go around the lekarma lo sikrav - you don't go into the kerem - you don't go into the vineyard, even though there's no issur of going into the vineyard, but you make yourself a geder.

Doing this give your the ability to get started, because with all the determination to get started, it is going to go down the tubes, if in the bathroom you have an iPhone that's unfiltered and everything's at your fingertips, and your wife just yelled at him or you got rejected at work...

The Shtar

Write a contract, that says the following:

• I understand that an unfiltered device is not safe for me. And at this stage in time, I can't afford to access it even for kosher usage. And therefore I'm going to knas myself if I use an unsafe device, even for kosher purposes, even if I don't fall. So if I use an unsafe device to look up anything, even yeshivah world news, or to check my bank account, I will:
  • Option 1: I'm going to take $___ (Add an amount), and I'm going to rip it up.
  • Option 2: I'm going to take $___ (Add an amount), and give it to a tzedaka that is meaningless to me.
• If I must use the device (e.g. my parents tell me to go on to arrange a flight or some other situation comes up). I will call or text a GYE member and tell them I have to go onto an unsafe device and that I'll call or text them a the half an hour later, that I'm off, and that I stayed clean.
• The contract will expire on ______ (put a date on this, uh, 30 days or 60 days or a Yom Tov that's coming up etc.). Three days before this expires, I'll call either _____ or wherever it is to discuss continuing the shtar, if necessary or not.

Notes

• You can customize the shtar to include certain apps that are potentially unsafe, or categories of material like movies.

Approach to Filters

Approach 1

"Establishing environmental controls is another strategy used to maintain sexual health boundaries. Men who have not developed an internal self-regulatory capacity can rely on environmental controls to maintain their sexual behaviors, especially early in the implementation of their SHP [Sexual Health Plan]."

The rationale for setting up boundaries is explained nicely in Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction by Douglas Braun-Harvey and Michael A. Vigorito:

As an environmental control strategy, avoidance has a bad reputation and some men protest against it. “I don’t need an Internet filter, that’s cheating!” or “I shouldn’t have to avoid the bookstore, I should be able to walk past it without going in.” These statements are derived from their false beliefs about their willpower capacities. These beliefs can be interwoven with their sense of masculinity, autonomy, and shame avoidance.

They may erroneously believe that avoiding these triggers is not “manning up” and truly dealing with their problems. Men who merge a sense of toughness and brave adversity by testing their willpower without respecting its limitations may use a range of defenses to protest against this change practice. They may be disappointed, embarrassed, and ashamed that they cannot simply “white knuckle” their way through their SHP boundaries...

Men often comment that these controls are not failsafe. With enough persistence or technological skill, anyone can circumvent an Internet filter.

This is true and also not the point. External controls are not used to sexually sanitize every aspect of their daily lives. They are intended to decrease the frequency of spending unnecessary energy on easily avoided situations to reserve ego strength for the sexual situations that are less avoidable.

They are implemented to conserve the resources that will be called on in other circumstances and that require internal regulation.

These environmental controls can also establish small buffers that create time between urge and action. This newly established, yet brief, window provides the space for the deliberative system to influence their behavior and stop the momentum toward crossing a boundary.

Earlier in the book he elaborates:

"Because sexual videos are easily accessible from multiple technology platforms, they persistently confront the opportunity and the urge to cross their boundaries. If they have not established environmental controls, then they are likely relying on their internal capacity to restrict their urges to watch a sexual video. Over time, clients deplete their energy resources and are less able or willing to maintain their boundaries in the next opportunity. By reducing the amount of temptation in their environment (e.g., establishing Internet filters or technology-free zones in the home), they can reduce the amount of energy needed to restrict their impulses.

Approach 2

It is important to realize though, that the goal of the filter is only to keep it "out of sight and out of mind". It is not going to remove the possibility of accessing indecent material altogether. If a person is determined enough, they will often be able to find ways to bypass filters, and even if not, they will always be able to find many other venues to access inappropriate material. Ultimately, the change must come from within, with a sincere desire to stop lusting.

The filter acts mainly as a "heker" (a reminder), similar in a sense to what our Sages tell us about Palti ben Layish (to whom Shaul Hamelech gave over David's wife). Palti was alone every evening with Michal (who Chazal tell us was one of the most beautiful women) and yet he never stumbled because of a sword that he placed between the two of them, saying that whoever bypasses this sword should be run through by it. The filter is like our sword, it is our "heker". But it will not stop us completely unless we want it to. However, since it can take a long time until we learn to genuinely give up our lust to Hashem, we must have a strong filter at all times. For if we don't get it out of reach, we won't be able to stop the vicious cycle of addiction and begin the healing process. The GYE Handbook

Approach 3

See intro to the "Ushmartem Es Mishmarti" method above.

Further Reading

The GYE Handbook, Progressive Tools for Breaking Free, in the chapter called Guarding the Eyes.

Technical Help

• Info on TAG
• Kosher Phones
• Help with getting a filter

From GYE Members

• Filters do work. I installed some accountability software on my main computer and I found it did help me to stay on track. #shmuel83
• Regarding the the other devices, that's something I think we can all relate. Now that corona has been haunting us, I've been stuck in a house with too many devices with open access to even count them, open internet is everywhere I look.... Something that I have found helpful, and maybe once you get to the taphsic neder method, you can add in a clause that you cannot use your your siblings or any other devices besides those designated, and if you do that's a fall. It's more of an internal filter so doesn't solve the whole problem, but then again does a filter even solve the whole problem. #yosef10