Twerski on GYE - Correspondence
Meschugena world
Rabbi Twerski sent me this email once:
A guy called me today and asks whether I endorse GuardYourEyes, and I said Yes. Then he asked if their derech was "Daas Torah." I said, "How come you didn't call me to ask whether watching pornography was Daas Torah?"
Meschugena world
Twerski
A Heartfelt thank you!
I referred a woman to the website. Here's her response:
"Thank you for being available and helping me out when I thought I’d never smile again. The website is huge. My husband and I are totally using it. Thanks for your swift replies and for devoting your life to helping people. Only Hashem rewards that."
Twerski
Cotton Candy and the Art of Surrender
I once shared this idea with our members on GYE:
One of the greatest successes of the 12-Step program is in teaching addicts how to surrender instead of fighting against desires that they feel ‘powerless’ over. But the question often comes up, what does surrender really mean and how is it really different than ‘fighting’?
I thought of an analogy that might help us understand better how this works. Let’s imagine a 6-year-old child who is crazy about cotton candy, he simply can’t resist it. He passes by the cotton-candy man each day and uses his pocket money to buy himself the delicious treat. But his Dad keeps telling him that it is bad for him, it is just plain sugar and will make him fat and give him cavities and make him sick. But he just can’t say no. Each day, as he gets closer to the cotton candy man, his mind begins fighting back and forth, he knows it’s bad for him and that Dad doesn’t approve, but he just can’t resist the temptation and keeps falling for it. The fight is basically a foregone conclusion for this 6-year-old. He simply doesn’t have the maturity of thought, nor the self-discipline or the ability to visualize the future damage that he may be causing to himself. Could we expect more from a 6-year-old?
But now, let’s imagine that his father is taking him for a walk. Soon they are about to pass by the cotton-candy man and the young boy begins to imagine the sweet taste of the candy and wishes he could run and buy the treat. But he is holding his father’s hands and feeling his father's love. He knows that his father only has his best interest in mind always, and even though he is perhaps too young still to fully appreciate it, he is so grateful for his father’s presence in his life. As they get closer, he remembers how his father always chides him about buying the treat, and he knows deep down that his father is right. After all, he is just a little boy and his father is so much older and wiser.
Does the boy have to struggle not to break away and go buy himself the treat? His father’s will for him is so much stronger than his own, and he knows that it’s for his own good. The boy doesn’t have to fight anyone, neither himself nor his father. He will just naturally ‘let go’ of the notion as they pass by the cotton candy machine and continue walking down the street. And he notices how his father gives him a big smile as they pass by, and he feels his love more than ever.
Perhaps this is how surrender is supposed to work. Addicts are like 6-year-olds facing the irresistible cotton candy. We’ve lost the ability to think rationally or visualize the future damage that we are causing ourselves when we act out, and our own strengths can’t win this fight. But the 12-Step program teaches us how to bring G-d, our Father, more into our lives. We learn to rely on Him more, and we trust fully that He truly has our very best interest in mind at all times. We begin to feel that He is holding our hand, even when we feel down. Then, when we pass the temptation, we no longer need to fight with ourselves to give it up. We simply surrender to a Will that is so much larger than our own, in the knowledge that we are being cared for by Someone so much greater and wiser than ourselves.
So the next time the temptation strikes, let’s try to imagine we are walking hand-in-hand with G-d, feeling His love, and trusting that He only wants the best for us… And hopefully, we will see that instead of fighting, we can simply surrender our will to our Higher-power and move on with a smile.
When I asked Rabbi Twerski if I had expressed the idea of “Surrender” correctly, he responded (by phone) as follows:
The moshol is very good, the only problem is that you need a lot of Emunah. Because the child knows he is holding on to the father's hand. The “shvisi Hashem linegdi tamid” is where it breaks down... The addiction is a massive attack against Emunah. And as Chavakuk said, all 613 mitzvos can be summed up as Emunah. The addiction attacks all 613 mitzvos by attacking Emunah. But I agree with the Moshol (because that's what the 3rd step is all about -"turning our will and our lives over to the care of God", and Steps 4-12 are all teach us how to do Step 3 the best we can). I think you expressed it well, it's very good. Although there are probably different aspects of surrender, this one is certainly very good.
How do the 12-Steps make us into mentchen?
I sent this email to Rabbi Twerski and asked for his feedback.
In yesterday's Chizuk e-mail we discussed how the 12-Steps represent the fundamental moral principles of what it means to be a "mentch", and how we addicts need to start again from the very foundations. Afterwards, Ahron sent us the following e-mail:
Another incredibly powerful Chizuk e-mail. Very compelling - I'm convinced and ready to become a mentsch! Now tell me the foundations that I can't find in mussar seforim....? Please don't leave us hanging!
I would now like to attempt to answer Ahron's question to some extent:
Dear Ahron,
The way I see it, the addiction is only a symptom of a larger "disease", which is a general "disconnect" from the very root of what makes us mentchen. The 12-Steps were designed to give a person a refreshed perspective of what it means to be a human being - created in Hashem's image, at a level so basic that even Goyim can understand. Once a person has these yesodos, they can go on to become true Yidden and great Yidden.
The truth is, that ALL humans - especially Yidden, can gain a tremendous amount from the 12-Step perspective. After all, our addictions is only a "symptom" of the disease. Unfortunately though, many Yidden have this disease - even if they did not develop the symptoms that we did. So in a sense, we are fortunate as addicts to be FORCED to refresh our very foundations, because we know that otherwise we are finished.
So what ARE these "basic foundations" already??
Well, for us to be able to heal - and we MUST heal, we addicts must learn to completely surrender our lust to Hashem. Not only that, but we also learn surrender our RIGHT to lust, as well as any expectation of ever achieving lust. All of this is surrendered to Hashem so that we can heal. But this is a tall order. How can we, who have lost all control in this area, successfully learn to surrender all this to Hashem? How can we achieve a level of surrender so profound, that we no longer even need to fight to overcome lust and Hashem does it for us?
I think the answer can be found in two words that appear in the first Pasuk of Shema: Hashem Echad. The unification of Hashem is perhaps the most fundamental and constant of all of the 613 Mitzvos. But what does this have to do with us? Let me explain.
This overriding Mitzva of divine unification, is not just about believing that there is only one G-d. The Chassidic Masters have taught us that our entire lives, every second and everything we do, should ultimately be an expression of Hashem's unity.
But How? As human beings, we have our own desires and needs, and this seemingly conflicts with Hashem's absolute unification. After all, if there is only Hashem and nothing else, why do I want to do my own things, things that often conflict with His will?
And so, in order for a Jew learns to live his life as an expression of Hashem's absolute unity, it means that he has to learn to completely let go of "self-centeredness" and have Hashem in mind in all his deeds. And when a Jew does everything for Hashem's sake and not his own, then even his eating and his sleeping become expressions of Hashem's unity. And this is the underlying message of the 12-Steps:
"Completely letting go of self-centeredness"
This is achieved through the following fundamental moral principles:
- Dependence on Hashem. As addicts, we have no choice but to learn the deepest and most profound connection to Hashem. A complete "life & death" dependency on Him, analogous to the dependency of a one day old baby who is completely and absolutely dependent on its mother. If we read Tehilim, we can see that David Hamelech expressed this type of connection with Hashem again and again throughout Tehhilim. "Ke'gamul alei Imo - like a babe who suckles from his mother". Who had imagined that we could reach a level anything close to David Hamelech? But we can. We HAVE to.
- Humility. Achieving absolute dependency on Hashem requires total humility. This is not hard for the addict, for he has completely surrendered and admitted that he cannot do it alone, and he knows this with 100% clarity. Through this admission of powerlessness, he is able to achieve a very high level of humility, analogous to Moshe Rabbeinu who said:"Va'anachnu mah? - What are we?".
- Pure Faith. We are forced to quit playing G-d and let Hashem run our lives. We acknowledge that we are no longer in we control and give ourselves over to Hashem's care, to do with us as he sees fit. This leads to drastic life changes, not just in the area of the addiction. We are able to achieve a high level of the Torah's commandment: "Tamim Tehiyeh Im Hashem Elokecha - You shall walk in perfect faith with the Almighty, your G-d".
- Honesty. In order to heal, we are forced to learn rigorous honesty with ourselves, with others, and with Hashem - in all our affairs. This allows for a host of vital life-changes, such as true introspection, learning to discern when the Yetzer Hara/addiction is talking to us as opposed to the Yetzer Tov, and it also allows us to squarely face our faults and make amends wherever we have erred. We are able to achieve a high level of the Midda of Emes, something that the biggestTzadikim spent lifetimes to achieve. And as we all know, Emes is the foundation of the entire Torah. "Hakadosh Baruch Hu Emes, Ve'Chosamo emes - G-d is Truth, and his stamp is Truth".
These are some of the basic foundations stones, divided into 12-Steps, that help us learn to completely remove our self-centeredness. Through them, we develop a true willingness and desire to help others, with no thought of getting anything in return. And this is practiced in all our affairs, and with all those we interact with. Ultimately, this can spill over to help us reach the highest levels of "Lishma" - living our lives and all we do purely "for the sake of Heaven".
But Ahron, it's easy to write these things down. After all, I did it in a half hour. But to learn to truly live this way takes the kind of life changes that can happen only through joining groups, getting a sponsor, and working the steps into our lives - day by day. In the groups, we learn to LIVE these life-changes by sharing hope and experience, and through helping others.
Now it's not that these things can't be found in Mussar, but it has a totally different affect when practiced as a group, as Rabbi Twerski writes over here. Also, please take a moment to see what Rabbi Twerski writes on this page in answer to Question #1 about why the groups are generally much more effective than Mussar.
Rabbi Twerski Responded:
your response to Ahron is great.
chazak ve'ematz
twerski