Dov

Dov's Quotes

1. Captain Kirk

Nuclear Reset Button

Why we need "recovery" (not more eitzos)

2. Taking Responsibility to "Surrender"

Self-Knowledge vs. Self-Honesty

On Meeting Real People

Dov's Longes Post

Getting Honest

Captain Kirk

Avodas Hashem Gone Awry

On Pride

Actions not Thoughts

You Are Thinking Too Much

Ratzon Alone is Not Enough

3. No Choice But to Stop… Now What???

4. I'm a Stinker

Waiting to Explode

5. Objectifying Myself???

6. The 1st Step, The Evidence is Overwhelming

7. Do You Want Recovery

8. Be Honest With G-d, Period

9. Is it Lust?

10. Don't get Complacent

11. The Groups are a Mirror

12. On the 12 Steps and How They Work (or Don't Work)

13. We Have a "Living" Problem

14. I'm Happy Just Being Me

15. How do I Grow?

16. Don't Ever Get Complacent

17. Get Out of Isolation!

18. Truth & Humility

19. 12 Steps as Derech Eretz Which is Kadmah Latorah

20. What Would You Tell a Drug Addict? TAKE ACTION!

21. Accepting Imperfection

22. A Bracha from Dov

23. Make the Phone Call

24. Chat = More Fakery

25. Do we Look Down Upon or Worship Naked Shiksas (or Both)?

26. 1. One Day at a Time - Not Just a Nice Motto and… 2. The Dumb Farm Boys Have it Easier - Giving it up to Hashem

27. Draw Back the Battle Lines

28. We Need to Get Willing, Open, and Honest (and We Need to "Stay" There)

29. The Essence of KOT

30. "the worst day I have sober is better then the best day I could have being drunk"

31. You're Thinking WAY Too Much, JUST LET GO!

32. True or False: My Whole Problem is Shmiras Aynayim

33. Patience

34. Reaching for Gold While Sitting in Excrement?

35. Can I do Teshuva?

36. The Ikkar

37. Don't Count Days

38. 1. Connect to People/Get out of Isolation 2. Don't Think Too Much 3. Don't Worry About Perfection 4. Don't Take Unsolicited Advice From Strangers ;)

39. Forget Madreigos, Just Humbly Serve Hashem

40. It's Not About Self-Knowledge or Self-Control (notice the word self in both of those), It's About Accepting our Limitations and Getting out of G-ds Way

41. Do I really need the 12-Step program?

42. Addict vs Non-Addict - Different Approaches

43. Definition of Addict [according to dov]

44. What do You really Value the Most?

45. I Need My Problems

46. Get Yourself a Group of Friends You Can Call

47. Highlights of a Loooong Post

48. Friendship - Our Closeness to Hashem Depends on it!

49. We Give 'Them' the Power

50. The 12 Steps are Just About Being Real With Ourselves

51. GYE Forum is Only Virtual Recovery

52. Only Share What Works Please

53. Why I Daven for the Lady I Lusted For

54. Calling for Help From Behind the Safe Walls of an Impenetrable Castle

55. The Lies We Tell Ourselves

56. Don't Wait Until It's Too Late to Open Up and Ask for Help

57. Precious Communication Tools

58. Are There Levels of Addiction?

59. Who is an Addict? Do I Need the 12 Steps?

60. I'm Going to Change Starting Today... For Real

61. Keep Your Mind on a Short Leash

62. Rock Bottom - Stop Trying to do it "My Way"

63. Acting Out is the Solution, NOT the Problem

64. Learning Surrender

65. Letting go of our Da'as

66. The Steps are About Honesty and Dependance on G-d

67. Make The Call

68. Do You Want to Stop?

69. What Real Steps are You Taking

70. Don't Tell Your Wife About All the Wacky Stuff That Goes on in Your Head!

71. We do NOT Beat the Y"H - We Surrender

72. What Language Does Your Body Understand?

73. Should I Tell My Parents?

74. What Does Powerless Mean?

75. The Answers Rabbonim Give Us

76. Wet Dreams

77. Am I an Addict and Do I Need SA Meetings? A Conversation With Dov

78. Understanding is Useless in Recovery (It's just masked ga'avah)

79. I Didn't Choose to Change… I Had no Other Choice

80. Masturbation is Evil... But That is Quite Irrelevant

81. Get Real

82. Giving up: Why the First Step is so Important

83. Live in the Solution... Let go

84. We Need a New Derech, AKA Don't Fight, Give it up!

85. We've Got Nothing to Rely on... except Avinu Shebashamayim!

86. Feeling close to Hashem or BEING close to Hashem

87. Tefillah

88. The Nuclear Reset Button

89. HASHEM LOVES US!!!

90. Tikunnim

91. Recovery and 12 Steps - Not Synonymous

92. Lashon Nekiyah???

93. Surrender

94. Self-Development: A Self-Centered Endeavor

95. Recovery: A Painful Surrender of Self-Will

96. We Hide From Those Who Are Closest To Us

97. Open Up: Don't Let the Y"H Mug You

98. Don't Hold Your Breath

99. Great Definition of Addiction and 'unmanageability'

100. Addiction MUST be self diagnosed

101. Give up Fighting and Call for Help

102. Definition of Lust

103. Do I need to "Figure it Out"? - The Role of Character Defects in Addiction

104. The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making Life Work

105. The Problem is Lust, The Answer is Love

106. Nuclear Reset Button

107. Tolerating Imperfection

108. We Need "Real" People to "Get Real" With G-d

109. Acceptance - Being at Peace With the Facts

110. Dating and Addict vs. Normal Yetzer Hora

111. What is a Sobriety Date?

112. Understanding Does not Bring Sobriety, It is Sobriety That Brings Understanding

113. Two Meanings of Powerlessness

114. Sobriety is Breathing, Recovery is Living!

115. The Battle is Opening Up... and it Remains the Battle

116. Women at Work: Surrender Vs. Struggle

117. Marriage Can be Lonely

Selected Posts

Dealing with Thoughts

My favorite tool for getting the thoughts out of my head is ignoring them. I have discovered that I really am the ba'al habos of my head...sometimes.

If that' does not work, I make sure to try and do the diametric opposite of whatever my lust is: Meaning, instead of worshipping or sexually devouring the person or image or whatever, I pause and pray (with actual spoken words, in private) for the person or instituion involved me'umka deliba as best I am able right then. Not for them to 'finally see the light and stop being so provocative or promiscuous` - that judgementalism poisons me no matter how much my morality agrees with it. It is more than useless. Rather, I daven that Hashem should give them health and comfort in this life and whatever is afterward, and that He grant them a progressive awareness of Him and of all the good in their lives, and that He give them clarity in how all the good in their lives comes from Him, and that he even grants them acceptance that all the hard times they may have in their long futures is a gift from Him somehow, and that they also have peace of mind to really do right by themselves and by G-d. Then I may ask for all the same for me: Health, Comfort, Progressive awareness of Him in my life, and Peace of mind.

If that does not work - and sometimes even if it does - the best tool of all for me is to openly share all the dirty and stupid thoughts I tend to have with another safe person. I am careful to say it in a non-exciting way (no need to show off and splash dirt all over him, is there?) but still directly and truthfully - with Hashem's help.

As long as I am ashamed of what gets into my mind and as long as I say to myself stuff like, "How could I ever have thought such a horrible thing!?" - I will keep thinking stuff like that.

If I really know that I am a sick person getting well, then I will accept goofy thoughts as just that: goofy. I will take them as seriously as I need to take goofy, stupid thoughts....not very. And I will move past them with Hashem's help. On the other hand, if I am too ashamed to admit them, then I am too ashamed to believe that I am sick. It means I really believe that I am evil, ie. bad. Good luck getting 'good'! : Deep down inside, these folks are too ashamed to admit their evil thoughts even to Hashem! I believe that's why they can never 'get good'. Hmmm...

A sick person may have shame about his rear-end discomfort when sitting, but eventually he will get truly comfortable discussing all the details of his embarrassing hemmorroids with whoever he really has to discuss them with. Totally comfortable, eventually. Because he admits that he has a problem - that he is sick, not disgusting. I have seen this many times. (I actually do have a friend with hemmoroids who had such a hard time getting the words out of his mouth to describe his exact problem! And we are very close! Nu. Once he got it out, he freely discusses it with me and I have helped him discuss it openly with two doctors already. Boruch Hashem!

Same for most sex and lust addicts - and even for guys who just have porn habits but are not really addicts: They cannot seem to get the words "I masturbate" out of their mouths! Once they get the truth out, just see what people have posted on GYE about the relief of discovering they are not alone! I masturbate in my addiction too! And it's horrible for me when I do that - but especially when I do all the tinkgs that led me up to the masturbation.

See, for normal yidden, talking it out makes it worse, by far. There is a reason that "it's a shanda! Nu! Shaa!" is part of our culture. There is certainly a place for that mentality and approach to lust.

But for people who are already doing it over and over for a while and with a trance, planning and proccupation and a repeated pattern; who feel withdrawal when they quit and other cyclical mishega'as...well, they have a problem and may be addicts. And they need help. You cannot get help without talking explicitly about it, can you?

But I, and addict, am free of it this day, and am happy to share with anybody who wants to get better how that happened.)

Exact same thing here. I am a recovering pervert. Iv'e got a tendency to have strange and goofy sex (and other) thoughts, let's face it. It doesn't mean I need to act them out. And I need help.

This last tool is precious gold to me and has saved my life, sanity and yiddishkeit a thousand times over!

Thanks for giving me a setting to share that, World!