Dov

Dov's Quotes

Dear fellow GYEers,

Dov has some great posts, and it's hard to go around finding them when you need them.  I started to gather them under my "links" thread, but today I finally reached the max for the length of one post. (Apparently, the limit is 50,000 characters.)

I think it makes sense to start a thread dedicated to those dov posts which many of us find so powerful.  I would appreciate if we could keep this thread free of other stuff so as not to dilute it.

I suppose we could also discuss dov's posts here, but refrain from shmoozing about cholint, monster trucking, possums... The forum has special and fun places to discuss all that stuff.

P.S. I Just added a dov quotes thread to the Married Section.

I think the need for an index is loooong overdue. So.... without further ado:

[https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes#124073 1. Captain Kirk
Nuclear Reset Button
Why we need "recovery" (not more eitzos)]

[https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes#124124 2. Taking Responsibility to "Surrender"
Self-Knowledge vs. Self-Honesty
On Meeting Real People
Dov's Longes Post
Getting Honest
Captain Kirk
Avodas Hashem Gone Awry
On Pride
Actions not Thoughts
You Are Thinking Too Much
Ratzon Alone is Not Enough]

3. No Choice But to Stop… Now What???
[https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes#124396 4. I'm a Stinker
Waiting to Explode]

5. Objectifying Myself???
6. The 1st Step, The Evidence is Overwhelming
7. Do You Want Recovery
8. Be Honest With G-d, Period
9. Is it Lust?
10. Don't get Complacent
11. The Groups are a Mirror
12. On the 12 Steps and How They Work (or Don't Work)
13. We Have a "Living" Problem
14. I'm Happy Just Being Me
15. How do I Grow?
16. Don't Ever Get Complacent
17. Get Out of Isolation!
18. Truth & Humility
19. 12 Steps as Derech Eretz Which is Kadmah Latorah
20. What Would You Tell a Drug Addict? TAKE ACTION!
21. Accepting Imperfection
22. A Bracha from Dov
23. Make the Phone Call
24. Chat = More Fakery
25. Do we Look Down Upon or Worship Naked Shiksas (or Both)?
26. 1. One Day at a Time - Not Just a Nice Motto and… 2. The Dumb Farm Boys Have it Easier - Giving it up to Hashem
27. Draw Back the Battle Lines
28. We Need to Get Willing, Open, and Honest (and We Need to "Stay" There)
29. The Essence of KOT
30. "the worst day I have sober is better then the best day I could have being drunk"
31. You're Thinking WAY Too Much, JUST LET GO!
32. True or False: My Whole Problem is Shmiras Aynayim
33. Patience
34. Reaching for Gold While Sitting in Excrement?
35. Can I do Teshuva?
36. The Ikkar
37. Don't Count Days
38. 1. Connect to People/Get out of Isolation 2. Don't Think Too Much 3. Don't Worry About Perfection 4. Don't Take Unsolicited Advice From Strangers ;)
39. Forget Madreigos, Just Humbly Serve Hashem
40. It's Not About Self-Knowledge or Self-Control (notice the word self in both of those), It's About Accepting our Limitations and Getting out of G-ds Way
41. Do I really need the 12-Step program?
42. Addict vs Non-Addict - Different Approaches
43. Definition of Addict [according to dov]
44. What do You really Value the Most?
45. I Need My Problems
46. Get Yourself a Group of Friends You Can Call
47. Highlights of a Loooong Post
48. Friendship - Our Closeness to Hashem Depends on it!
49. We Give 'Them' the Power
50. The 12 Steps are Just About Being Real With Ourselves
51. GYE Forum is Only Virtual Recovery
52. Only Share What Works Please
53. Why I Daven for the Lady I Lusted For
54. Calling for Help From Behind the Safe Walls of an Impenetrable Castle
55. The Lies We Tell Ourselves
56. Don't Wait Until It's Too Late to Open Up and Ask for Help
57. Precious Communication Tools
58. Are There Levels of Addiction?
59. Who is an Addict? Do I Need the 12 Steps?
60. I'm Going to Change Starting Today... For Real
61. Keep Your Mind on a Short Leash
62. Rock Bottom - Stop Trying to do it "My Way"
63. Acting Out is the Solution, NOT the Problem
64. Learning Surrender
65. Letting go of our Da'as
66. The Steps are About Honesty and Dependance on G-d
67. Make The Call
68. Do You Want to Stop?
69. What Real Steps are You Taking
70. Don't Tell Your Wife About All the Wacky Stuff That Goes on in Your Head!
71. We do NOT Beat the Y"H - We Surrender
72. What Language Does Your Body Understand?
73. Should I Tell My Parents?
74. What Does Powerless Mean?
75. The Answers Rabbonim Give Us
76. Wet Dreams
77. Am I an Addict and Do I Need SA Meetings? A Conversation With Dov
78. Understanding is Useless in Recovery (It's just masked ga'avah)
79. I Didn't Choose to Change… I Had no Other Choice
80. Masturbation is Evil... But That is Quite Irrelevant
81. Get Real
82. Giving up: Why the First Step is so Important
83. Live in the Solution... Let go
84. We Need a New Derech, AKA Don't Fight, Give it up!
85. We've Got Nothing to Rely on... except Avinu Shebashamayim!
86. Feeling close to Hashem or BEING close to Hashem
87. Tefillah
88. The Nuclear Reset Button
89. HASHEM LOVES US!!!
90. Tikunnim
91. Recovery and 12 Steps - Not Synonymous
92. Lashon Nekiyah???
93. Surrender
94. Self-Development: A Self-Centered Endeavor
95. Recovery: A Painful Surrender of Self-Will
96. We Hide From Those Who Are Closest To Us
97. Open Up: Don't Let the Y"H Mug You
98. Don't Hold Your Breath
99. Great Definition of Addiction and 'unmanageability'
100. Addiction MUST be self diagnosed
101. Give up Fighting and Call for Help
102. Definition of Lust
103. Do I need to "Figure it Out"? - The Role of Character Defects in Addiction
104. The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making Life Work
105. The Problem is Lust, The Answer is Love
106. Nuclear Reset Button
107. Tolerating Imperfection
108. We Need "Real" People to "Get Real" With G-d
109. Acceptance - Being at Peace With the Facts
110. Dating and Addict vs. Normal Yetzer Hora
111. What is a Sobriety Date?
112. Understanding Does not Bring Sobriety, It is Sobriety That Brings Understanding
113. Two Meanings of Powerlessness
114. Sobriety is Breathing, Recovery is Living!
115. The Battle is Opening Up... and it Remains the Battle
116. Women at Work: Surrender Vs. Struggle
117. Marriage Can be Lonely

Selected Posts

Dealing with Thoughts

My favorite tool for getting the thoughts out of my head is ignoring them. I have discovered that I really am the ba'al habos of my head...sometimes.

If that' does not work, I make sure to try and do the diametric opposite of whatever my lust is: Meaning, instead of worshipping or sexually devouring the person or image or whatever, I pause and pray (with actual spoken words, in private) for the person or instituion involved me'umka deliba as best I am able right then. Not for them to 'finally see the light and stop being so provocative or promiscuous` - that judgementalism poisons me no matter how much my morality agrees with it. It is more than useless. Rather, I daven that Hashem should give them health and comfort in this life and whatever is afterward, and that He grant them a progressive awareness of Him and of all the good in their lives, and that He give them clarity in how all the good in their lives comes from Him, and that he even grants them acceptance that all the hard times they may have in their long futures is a gift from Him somehow, and that they also have peace of mind to really do right by themselves and by G-d. Then I may ask for all the same for me: Health, Comfort, Progressive awareness of Him in my life, and Peace of mind.

If that does not work - and sometimes even if it does - the best tool of all for me is to openly share all the dirty and stupid thoughts I tend to have with another safe person. I am careful to say it in a non-exciting way (no need to show off and splash dirt all over him, is there?) but still directly and truthfully - with Hashem's help.

As long as I am ashamed of what gets into my mind and as long as I say to myself stuff like, "How could I ever have thought such a horrible thing!?" - I will keep thinking stuff like that.

If I really know that I am a sick person getting well, then I will accept goofy thoughts as just that: goofy. I will take them as seriously as I need to take goofy, stupid thoughts....not very. And I will move past them with Hashem's help. On the other hand, if I am too ashamed to admit them, then I am too ashamed to believe that I am sick. It means I really believe that I am evil, ie. bad. Good luck getting 'good'! : Deep down inside, these folks are too ashamed to admit their evil thoughts even to Hashem! I believe that's why they can never 'get good'. Hmmm...

A sick person may have shame about his rear-end discomfort when sitting, but eventually he will get truly comfortable discussing all the details of his embarrassing hemmorroids with whoever he really has to discuss them with. Totally comfortable, eventually. Because he admits that he has a problem - that he is sick, not disgusting. I have seen this many times. (I actually do have a friend with hemmoroids who had such a hard time getting the words out of his mouth to describe his exact problem! And we are very close! Nu. Once he got it out, he freely discusses it with me and I have helped him discuss it openly with two doctors already. Boruch Hashem!

Same for most sex and lust addicts - and even for guys who just have porn habits but are not really addicts: They cannot seem to get the words "I masturbate" out of their mouths! Once they get the truth out, just see what people have posted on GYE about the relief of discovering they are not alone! I masturbate in my addiction too! And it's horrible for me when I do that - but especially when I do all the tinkgs that led me up to the masturbation.

See, for normal yidden, talking it out makes it worse, by far. There is a reason that "it's a shanda! Nu! Shaa!" is part of our culture. There is certainly a place for that mentality and approach to lust.

But for people who are already doing it over and over for a while and with a trance, planning and proccupation and a repeated pattern; who feel withdrawal when they quit and other cyclical mishega'as...well, they have a problem and may be addicts. And they need help. You cannot get help without talking explicitly about it, can you?

But I, and addict, am free of it this day, and am happy to share with anybody who wants to get better how that happened.)

Exact same thing here. I am a recovering pervert. Iv'e got a tendency to have strange and goofy sex (and other) thoughts, let's face it. It doesn't mean I need to act them out. And I need help.

This last tool is precious gold to me and has saved my life, sanity and yiddishkeit a thousand times over!

Thanks for giving me a setting to share that, World!