Withdrawal

From GYE Members

• Withdrawals. Oh my gosh. Seemingly uncontrollable desire to resume my old behavior (urges), extreme irritability, sleeplessness, agitation, physical flu-like symptoms, blue balls, sexual frustration, depression, dysphoria, loss of interest in anything but sex, despondency, but no suicidal thoughts like I used to have. All of these symptoms occur sometimes still, but for the most part they diminished as time went on. The first week was hell. The second week seemed a little better until it got worse, then from week three on things were manageable. I found to just love the withdrawl pain and push through it made the most sense. I don’t want to relapse again because these always reset when I go back to day one. I know. I have reset so many times. It was hard to forgive myself. It was hard to get obsessive thoughts out of my head. I latch on to the stupidest things, but they are related to my addictive behaviors. Another thing that was hard was the grief and feeling of loss of leaving this part of me behind. I felt denial, sadness, anger, negotiating tendencies (well I might not be completely done; maybe I could just edge; maybe playing with it for a minute is ok (pre-edging?)), and finally some acceptance that I no longer have porn in my life. I no longer masturbate. I no longer arouse myself via chat rooms etc. This feeling of grief and loss is very real and is still going on. I know PMO is a bad thing, but that doesn’t matter. I still feel a loss. The random erections that come as a healthy side effect of quitting PMO are a double-edged sword. I was often tempted to play with it, because after all, the most triggering “porn” for me is the sight of my own body. I don’t need a computer or a magazine or a dvd.