Social Support

See also Bookending Difficult Events

From GYE Members

General

• I feel now that till I joined GYE, I was walking along the edge of a cliff - and constantly falling over the edge. Now there is somebody on my other side, who is stopping me from falling and who I know will catch me if I do. The struggle has not abated, but it has become more manageable. @Anonymous

Get out of Isolation

• Lately I have been phoning/txting/emailing/chatting with other chevra. The Yetzer Horah thrives on isolation. He loves depression. I love shmoozing. i love connection. By communicating with others, I am 'connecting' to them, thereby getting my craving for 'emotional fulfillment' taken care in that way, so there is no room left for the Y"H to convince that his method will make feel good....!!! #Yosef Hatzadik

• My advice to you is stay connected. Post often and read through other forums. Connection, focus, and accountability are real game changers. Hatzlocha b'ezras Hashem #Hashem Help Me

Accountability

• Time to take it up a notch. This is where it gets real. You wanna stop but by yourself its too hard. SO hard. Theres this part you that more than anything wants to stop. And theres this other part of you that more than anything wants to do it. THATS OK. This battle is (usually) too hard for one person carry on his own. Thats where accountability comes in. Open up. Speak with rebbe, GYE mentor, or GYE fellow-struggler(me). Go thru ALL your struggles(bec whats the point of holding back) . Every nook and cranny. Be SO honest with your partner that youll be shocked the words are coming out of your mouth, bec in essence it's being honest with yourself. Youd be surprised how exhilarating it feels. To finally open up and lift that weight off your shoulder. A message, a forum, a phone call(Yes I just went there). Just speaking about, putting it out in the open, makes the struggle easier. Build a relationship that you feel responsible to. Gain a friend. A lifelong lifeline. I"m a big fan of this tool so Im going to continue with it next time. #battle-of-the-gen
• We can and should try to reach out to someone we respect, someone who we value their opinion. We have to be open and honest about our struggles and keep them updated with "real time" updates. The major key is to be honest. Bec if were not, then there's no shame, and that kills the whole tool. You wanna feel that shame so itll be an incentive not to fall next time. Another person thats also working on himself can also be a huge partner. Even though he may fall here and there he can give you a clarity that you may not have in the moment and to a certain degree can be extremely motivating cause its coming from someone who is battling almost exactly what you are. You can start in the beginning being in touch more frequently and as time goes on(and your getting clean) you can tone it down a bit. Letting your wife in can be a huge accountability partner but needs to be done with much much seichel and hadracha. Let an experienced GYEer/therapist/rebbe guide you thru it. Obv the more personal the person you open up to is, the stronger the sense of commitment is, and therefore more effective. So a Rebbe or someone close to you is a great option. But if your not up to it yet(like me) you can find amazing partners/mentors on this site. Thru forums or the "partner program" you can email, google hangout, call, or just chat on GYE regularly. Just to finish with a powerful quote on the power of accountability: "I have had enough of the silent suffering, the hiding, the lying and the living a double life. Today, I talk to people in my program every day, besides going to meetings twice a week. The whole truth about me needs to be on the outside, with safe people." #battle-of-the-gen

Personal Experiences:

• For the past 38 years, i've been unable to stop. somewhere around when i was 18, i became religious - but i couldn't give this up - it had become an addiction. 2 weeks ago i was looking at www.theyeshivaworld.com & found the popup for this site. i went in and found the most unbelievable thing i've ever seen - religious Jews talking about their sexual addiction. i couldn't believe my eyes. i wrote to eyes.guard & he wrote to me to post my story. i didn't want to at first, but i agreed to finally post it. i called the phone line last week, and spoke to elya k. i have since called him privately. if anyone thinks they can kick this addiction by just reading the shulchan oruch, you are mistaken. it is too powerful an addiction. you need support from caring people, who will not judge or criticize. you need people who understand your situation and are willing to help. these are the people i found on www.guardyreyes.com.... i talk to elya k, who is a lifesaver, without him, i couldn't do it - it is much too difficult. if i know that i am going to speak to him that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. thanks elya k, and thanks eyeguard for starting this. Caring for fellow Jews is what we're all about - and these people take this obligation very seriously.... that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. @Jack (received by email)

Deals

• I made a little deal with a friend of mine who is also battling that we are trying to go the whole bain hazmanim or 40 days masturbation free and whoever doesnt make it has to buy the other one a nice cologne. #The Bruceman

Telling a Friend when you have an Urge

• #Dov writes nicely why it is OK to share. See Dov.
• Pick up the phone and call a chaver (who agrees to do this) and graphically tell him what you want to see or do. If done in a clinical, non triggering fashion, I have found the "attack" gets killed on the spot. When verbalized, it sounds so grotesque and inappropriate, that the thrill has its balloon busted. #Hashem Help Me

Torah Sources

• Rav Amram Chasidah. See Positive Vision Day 72 (Relates to Accountability)
• ספר חסידים (מרגליות) סימן כא: ומה שאמרו חציף מאן דמפרש חטאי' זהו שמגיד לכל אשר חטא אבל מותר להגיד לאדם צדיק וצנוע אחד מעונותיו כדי שיורה לו האיך יעשה תשובה
• ולענין זה יותר טוב לבקש לו חבר בחינוך, בכדי שעל ידי כן יעורר כל אחד את חבירו תמיד, ויוכל ללמוד כל אחד ואחד ממאורעותיהן של שניהם, כי אם יפולו האחד יקים את חברו - קהלת ד, ט (חשבון הנפש, לפין סי' לג)
• צעטיל קטן אות יג. לספר בכל פעם לפני המורה לו דרך השם, ואפילו לפני חבר נאמן, כל המחשבות והרהורים רעים אשר הם נגד תורתינו הקדושה אשר היצר הרע מעלה אותן על מוחו ולבו, הן בשעת תורה ותפילה, הן בשכבו על מטתו, והן באמצע היום, ולא יעלים שום דבר מחמת הבושה, ונמצא על ידי סיפור הדברים שמוציא מכח אל הפועל, משבר את כח היצר הרע שלא יוכל להתגבר עליו כל כך בפעם אחרת, חוץ עצה הטובה אשר יוכל לקבל מחבירו שהוא דרך השם, והוא סגולה נפלאה:
  • Ch. 44 (Usually, it's better to do this with a friend, than with a spouse).
  • Ch. 45 (Better to have one friend rather than a group)
  • Ch. 46 (Getting a mentor who specializes in this in order to receive advice. One does not need necessarily one Rav for everything.)