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The Rabid Jets Fan

One day I attended a meeting of recovering alcoholics. The speaker was a young woman of thirty-five. She had started drinking at twelve and drugging at fifteen. This led to delinquent, decadent behavior. In spite of suffering the consequences of living on the street, she was a slave to her drug addiction.

At twenty-six she found her way into Alcoholics Anonymous and, and at the present was nine years clean and sober. I had heard similar stories countless times, and this one did little for me. But I have never been to a meeting that I didn't take away something of help. What I took away from this meeting has served me well, because toward the end of her talk, the woman said, "I must tell you something else before I finish.

"I am a football fan, a rabid Jets fan. I'll never miss watching a Jets game. One weekend I had to be away, so I asked a friend to record the game on her VCR. When I returned, she handed me the tape and said, 'By the way, the Jets won.'

"I started watching the tape, and it was just horrible! The Jets were being mauled. At half-time they were behind by twenty points. Under other circumstances, I would have been a nervous wreck. I would have been pacing the floor and hitting the refrigerator. But I was perfectly calm, because I knew they were going to win.

"Ever since I turned my life over to God, I no longer get uptight when things don't go my way. I may be twenty points behind at half-time, but I know it's going to turn out o.k. in the end." This woman may not have qualified as a tzaddik, but I envied her emunah.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Every so often there is a news item that research shows promise of a drug that can cure alcohol or drug addiction. Thus far, nothing like a cure has materialized. The possibility of a drug that will cure behavioral addictions such as compulsive gambling or sex addiction is even more remote.

But I have come across something that holds promise for all addictions, and it is surprisingly simple: TRUTH! I believe that if an addict commits to absolute truthfulness and adheres to this, and will not lie under any circumstances, not a white lie nor a lie of any color, he can beat the addiction. No rationalization can justify a lie, and one must be willing to be truthful even if it hurts. One must know that any lie constitutes a relapse.

Lying is an integral component of addiction, just as coughing is to pneumonia. Unfortunately, lying in addiction is so habitual that the addict may not be aware that he is lying, and it requires great alertness and total honesty to live up to the commitment. Of course, one cannot lie to G-d or to oneself. I have found that it may be more difficult for an addict to abstain from lying than from his addiction.

Because of the propensity to lie, addicts cannot have sincere relationships. The latter require trust, and there can be no trust in absence of truth.

I would like this to be put to the test. I have high hopes that it can work.

Keep it Simple

One of the slogans of the 12-step program is "Keep it simple (stupid)". It is important to keep things simple. We make things difficult by complicating them.

"Simple" does not mean "easy." A command to lift a 100 pound weight is simple, it's just very hard. If we keep things simple and are willing to do hard work, we can triumph.

Before Rebbe Yohanan ben Zakai died, his talmidim asked him for a bracha. He said, "May you fear Hashem as much as you fear other people". There are things a person would be ashamed to be seen doing by others, but is not ashamed to be seen doing them by Hashem."

People who would be afraid to look at pornography in a smut store because someone might see them there, have no shame in being seen by Hashem. The first paragraph in the Shulchan Aruch instructs us to constantly be aware that we are in the imminent presence of Hashem and behave accordingly.

That is simple. There is nothing complex about it. It is just very hard to do.

We must work hard to attain yiras shamayim. Mesilas yesharim points out that we must work diligently to get it, "like one who searches for silver and digs for treasure." If you don't find the treasure at first, you don't give up. You continue digging, even exhausting yourself in order to find the treasure. That's how we must work for yiras shamayim. It is not going to just drop down from heaven.

Pray hard and tearfully for yiras shamayim. Our lives depend on it. Read the essays in mussar on developing yiras shamayim. This is a prayer that is always answered, provided that we really want it.

You Are My Child

A young man asked a gadol what he can do to keep himself from looking at the indecent things on the billboards, store windows, etc... The gadol responded:

The verse in Proverbs 3:11 reads: "Mussar Hashem, bni al timas" which is generally translated, "My son, do not despise Hashem's chastening education."

However, it can also be translated as:

"Mussar Hashem" - this is not mussar delivered by another human being, but the musaar delivered by Hashem Himself, who says

"Bni,"  - you are My child, therefore

"Al timas" - do not do anything that is despicable.

Remember who you are. The standards of behavior for a prince are more exacting than for others, and a person should remember that he is a child of Hashem, and hold himself to a high standard of behavior.

It is good to repeat this verse when feeling tested: "Mussar Hashem, bni, al timas." I am a child of Hashem, and I must behave accordingly.

A Tikun for those who have been viewing forbidden pictures (Nov 2008)

Rabbi Twerski sent this to me in Nov 2008 and wrote: "Here's something that may be useful."

If the yetzer hara is so powerful that you feel you cannot resist it, tell the yetzer hara, “Just wait a bit. I’ll grant your desire in 15 or 30 minutes.” You should know for certain that every second you put it off, you are fulfilling the mitzva “And do not explore after your heart and after your eyes after which you stray,” as the Talmud says, that when a person is tempted to commit a sin and refrains from doing so, one has a mitzvah. One should rejoice that one has the opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of teshuva, and inasmuch as one mitzva leads to another mitzva, he may find that after the 15 or 30 minute delay he can put if off for longer, and in this manner he can placate his yetzer hara.

If, after the delay, one falls prey to the yetzer hara, one should know that the mitzva accrued during the delay is not lost and stands to his credit, and by merit of this, it will be easier to resist subsequent temptations. One should pray to Hashem that the mitzvah of delay should strengthen him in his struggle with the yetzer hara.

One should be most careful to fulfill the mitzva of tzitzis properly with a talis katan of the prescribed size, and look at the tzitzis from time to time, because this is a segula (“magical force”) against the yetzer hara, as the Talmud says in Menachos 44. He should kiss the tzitzis, bring them to touch his eyes, and say audibly, “And do not explore after your heart and after your eyes after which you stray.”  

When they lift the Torah in shul, look at the script in the Torah and think that looking at the holy words should protect you from looking at improper things. Also, look at the Shabbos candles, whose glow is that of Hashem’s presence. On Chanukah, look at the Chanukah candles for an extended time.

Every day, recite Chapter 51 of Psalms, and concentrate on the verse, “Hashem, create a pure heart within me.” and also on the verse, “Return to me the joy of Your salvation.”  You should know that each time you suppress the yetzer hara, you give Hashem great delight. The Talmud says that the place occupied by a baal teshuva is superior to that of a perfect tzaddik. When you succeed in subduing the yetzer hara, you should not feel depressed about the past, as Rambam says, “Yesterday the sinful person was distant from Hashem, but with teshuva he is close to Hashem, and Hashem receives his mitzvos with great love.

The Cancer of Internet

In Dec 2009, I shared with Rabbi Twerski some of the stories we were getting on GYE every day, and the huge extent of the problem. I asked if he could mention our work in his column. He responded "I recommend GYE at every opportunity I get. I can't put it in Hamodia because they are not permitted to acknowledge that internet even exists. I'm attaching an article that was in Hamodia. I don't know if you want to use it." This is the article he sent.

Not a week goes by that I don't get several calls about new casualties to the internet. Some people call in desperation about themselves, feeling trapped into a habit from which they have unsuccessfully tried to extricate themselves. Others, equally desperate, call about a family member. There is no immunity. People would be shocked to know the caliber of the people who have fallen prey to this problem.

While restricting access to the internet would appear to be a logical solution, it is simply not realistic. The use of internet, even just for business needs, is widespread. Filters can be effective to prevent accidental exposure to improper scenes, and can be helpful for people who sincerely want to stop. But the Satan has become overpowering and is claiming victims, destroying spiritual lives, marriages and families.

A man recently told me that he is traveling to a city 600 miles distant by car. Why? Because he is in contact with his infant grandchildren and is afraid of exposure to a carrier of the swine flu virus at the airport or on a plane. The awareness of the gravity of the problem and the possible consequences warrant his driving ten hours! This man has no false illusions about immunity. Even if we are secure about ourselves, we should be seriously concerned about our children. The technology is advancing every day. There is no safe place to hide out.

What can we do? One phrase comes to mind, that of Avraham Avinu to Avimelech, "There is just no fear of G-d in this place" (Bereishis 20:11). Whatever else one may do, if there is no yiras shamayim, everything is possible, even the most immoral behavior.

But don't we have strong yiras shamayim? B"H, we have wonderful yeshivos and seminaries. We have glatt kosher meat, chalav yisrael, pas Yisrael and kemachyashan. But listen to the Talmud. When Raban Yohanan ben Zakai was in his last days, his talmidim asked for his beracha. He said, "May your fear of Hashem be as great as your fear of people." His talmidim were shocked. "Is that what you think of us?" Raban Yohanan said, "Halevai you would achieve that! When a person does an aveira he is concerned that no person should see him. It does not bother him that Hashem sees him" (Berachos 25b).

Just think of it! The talmidim of Raban Yohanan ben Zakai! People whose greatness in Torah and kedusha is beyond what we can imagine, yet he felt that they might be lacking in yiras shamayim. How can we say about ourselves that we have adequate yiras shamayim? Remember what Chovas Halevavos says, "You may be asleep, but the yetzer hara is awake." Awake and unrelenting.

What can we do to increase yiras shamayim? Rashi provides the answer." To observe those mitzvos that we tend to trample on" (Devarim 7:12). B"H, we do not trample on kashrus,on Shabbos, or on chametz on Pesach, but unfortunately, we may trample on middos: kaas, lashon hara, kinah, sinah, ga'ava, shekker. We should keep before us the words of Rebbe Chaim Vital, that we should take even greater precaution with middos than we do with aveiros! Middos is the key to yiras shamayim. Middos gives the person a sense of kedusha and dignity that he would not allow himself to soiled with the tumah of the internet.

Let us be honest with ourselves. Do we sometimes lose our temper? The Talmud says that this is equivalent to avodah zara. Do we sometimes listen to or speak lashon hara, which is equivalent to the three cardinal sins of avodah zara, shefichas damim and ariyos? Do we sometimes deviate from the truth? No amount of chumros can be considered yiras shamayim if we are not meticulously careful about middos.

It is easy to buy kosher food. It is not easy to become master of our middos. It may be the most difficult challenge of our lives. But think of the person who will drive ten hours for fear that he may be exposed to the swine flu virus and how disastrous this can be to his grandchildren. If our homes do not become fortresses of true yiras shamayim, our children are at risk of being infected by the virus of the internet. Remember the words of Avraham Avinu "There is just no fear of G-d in this place." Without true yiras shamayim nothing else will work.

Don't be a "dry drunk"

"They were drunk although not with wine, they staggered although they drank no ale."

In the field of alcoholism treatment, there is a concept of a "dry drunk." This term describes those who have stopped drinking alcohol, but whose behavior remains essentially unchanged from their drinking days.

Just as a "dry drunk" phenomenon occurs with someone who has stopped drinking, it can occur in someone who never drank excessively. In the above verse, the Prophet describes such behavior occurring in the absence of alcohol intoxication.

Active alcoholics are generally oblivious to their self-centered behavior. Seeking to satisfy their own needs regardless of how this may affect others, they are likely to project blame for everything that goes wrong onto anyone and everyone - except themselves. They refuse to make any changes in the way they live; instead, they demand that others accommodate.

We often observe this same behavior in people who do not use intoxicants. In a way, alcoholics are more fortunate, for eventually the toxic effects of alcohol will force upon them the realization of their destructive behavior. People who do not drink and who are thus not likely to have any toxic disasters which precipitate a crisis must, therefore, exercise even greater scrutiny, lest they unknowingly indulge in behavior that is destructive to themselves and others.

Today I shall... find myself a competent, trusted friend to help me see if I might not be denying self-destructive behavior.

Just Say 'No!'

We’re Missing the Boat

In my lectures about drug addiction, I often cite the comment of a 14 year old girl who was interviewed about Nancy Reagan’s campaign to “Just Say ‘No!’ to Drugs.” The young woman said, “Why? What else is there?”

I have watched our government spend billions of dollars on drug prevention. I have seen them increase prison sentences and confiscate drugs. I see the sniffing dogs at the airport. Nothing has worked. Nothing has made a dent in the fatal drug epidemic. I believe that nothing will work until we have an answer to the young woman’s challenging question, “Why? What else is there?”---an answer that youngsters will accept.

At Gateway Rehabilitation Center, I meet with youngsters who do not see anything in life worthwhile, and have recourse to deadly chemicals. They know that drugs can kill them, but death is not a deterrent when life is meaningless.

The shocking thing is that some frum youngsters who are students of Torah and observant of mitzvos are not immune. (See recent blog on Heveria.com). One would think that these youngsters have a meaningful life. After all, they learn Torah and do mitzvos. They are taught that this is the purpose of life, that this is why they were created. Many have learned Mesilas Yesharim (The Path of the Just), whose first chapter is “The Duty of a Person in His World”). They behave as if they are dutybound to a higher principle. Why do they have recourse to deadly drugs?

In the 1960’s, the popular mantra was “If it feels good, do it.” Professor Albert Einstein correctly said that “This is a life ideal appropriate for a herd of swine.” Obviously, drugs “feel good,” but a goal in life of pursuit of pleasure is most degrading.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the good things in this world. The berachah we recite in the spring when the fruit trees blossom is, “Blessed are You, Hashem, King of the universe, for nothing is lacking in His universe, and He created in it good creatures and good trees, to cause mankind pleasure with them.” It is also written that one of the questions we will be asked on our Judgment Day is, “Did you enjoy My world?” But that is a far cry from the hedonistic viewpoint that considers the world to be a huge amusement park, with no goal in life other than “Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.”

One might think that Torah observance is the perfect antidote to a hedonistic lifestyle. Some 800 years ago, Ramban coined the term, naval birshus haTorah, a person who is in technical compliance with all of Torah, yet is a physically indulgent scoundrel.

Some frum people seem to have adapted the hedonistic mantra to “If it feels good, and it’s kosher, do it.” This attitude is conducive not only to drugs, but also to other harmful addictions.

Yet, it is not easy to live a frugal life when technology has eliminated so many discomforts. My first car was a 1936 Plymouth, with no air-conditioning, power steering and power brakes. Should I not have availed myself of these conveniences when they became available? With all the kosher conveniences at our disposal, it is difficult to avoid becoming a naval birshus haTorah,

It is not much solace that there are many tens of thousands frum people who are not addicted. The desire to live comfortably is innate, and it is difficult to draw the lines. All frum young people are vulnerable and all should be considered “kids at risk.”

A closely related issue is that many youngsters do not see a bright future for themselves. This is a consequence of low self-esteem, unjustified and unwarranted feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, a theme which I have addressed in a number of my books. With no aspirations to success and with a belief that the world is a huge playground meant to be fully enjoyed, the road to addictions is wide open.

Rav Shlomo Wolbe in Alei Shur points out that a feeling of chahsivus (worthiness) is essential for Torah observance. Prior to giving the Torah, Hashem said to the Israelites. “You have seen what I did to Egypt. I carried you on the wings of eagles and brought you to Me. And now, if you will listen to My voice and observe My covenant, You will be a treasure unto Me from among all nations. You will be a kingdom of priests and a holy nation” (Exodus 19:4-6). Rav Wolbe says that this uplifting feeling of chashivus was essential for them to receive the Torah. The Talmud says that “Every person is obligated to say, ‘The world was created for me’”(Sanhedrin 37a).

The fact that some Torah observant and cognizant people gravitate to the use of drugs means that we have missed the boat and have failed to instill in them a sense of purpose in life and a sense of chashivus, both of which are essential to prevent their yielding to the lure of drugs.

Conveying to Our Children

How can we convey to our children that life is intended to be more than a search for pleasure? The answer is provided by the sifrei mussar: demonstrate mesiras nefesh. It has been said, “If there is nothing worth dying for, there is nothing worth living for.” Mesiras nefesh does not mean only martyrdom. Mesiras nefesyh means making a sacrifice for what you know is right.

There is a remarkable Midrash (Eicha Rabba) that at the time of the chruban, the patriarchs pleaded to Hashem for mercy. Avraham Avinu said, “Ribono shel olam! How I had longed for a child, and age 100, You graciously gave me a son. When you told me to bring him as an olah offering, I did not hesitate to do Your will. Do my children not deserve a better fate? Yitzhak Avinu said, ‘I was 37 years old. I could resisted being brought as an olah, but I was ready to give up my life for You. Don’t my children deserve something better?’ Yaacov Avinu and Moshe Rabeinu made similar pleas, but Hashem did not acknowledge them.

Then Rachel Imeinu said, “Ribono shel olam! You know how much I loved Yaacov. I knew that my father was a scoundrel and could substitute my sister for me. I gave Yaacov a secret code whereby he could detect the ruse, but when I realized that if he used the code he would expose the ruse and Leah would be publicly humiliated, I gave Leah the secret code. I was willing to surrender the man I loved to my sister in order to prevent a few minutes of humiliation. Don’t I deserve better than to see my children suffer?” Hashem responded, “In your merit, Rachel, your children will one day be returned to their land.”

Think of it! The enormous sacrifices of Avraham and Yitzhak were not adequate merits. Rachel did not yield her life, but her willingness to give up Yaacov for all her life in order to spare her sister a few moments of humiliation was a greater mesiras nefesh than the martyrdom of Avraham and Yitzhak. One need not die in mesiras nefesh. If one has a strong desire for something and suppresses it because it is halachically wrong or ethically appropriate, that constitutes mesiras nefesh. Mesiras nefesh is thus the antithesis of “If it feels good, do it,” and of naval birshus haTorah.

We have abundant opportunities to perform mesiras nefesh. The chapter on zerizus in Mesilas Yesharim is an essay on mesiras nefesh. Ramchal points out that the Torah prohibition of lo tikom, to refrain from taking revenge, is something one can logically expect of the heavenly angels, not of mere mortals. “Taking revenge is the sweetest feeling a person can have, yet the Torah forbids it.” This is mesirqs nefesh at its best. Inasmuch as the urge to “get back at someone” occurs even in grade-school children, this is an excellent opportunity for parents to teach young children mesiras nefesh. But of course, parents must model it in their own lives.

If one has a juicy piece of gossip and would love to tell it to a friend, but refrains from doing so because that is lashon hara, that is mesiras nefesh. We may refuse to eat something a friend offers us because we are unsure of its kashrus, but have our children heard us say to someone, “I’d love to hear what you have to say, but I can’t listen to you because I think it may be lashan hara?”

It is very tempting to converse during the reading of the Torah or the repetition of the amidah. To refrain from doing so is mesiras nefesh. To avoid telling a lie when telling the truth is a disadvantage is mesiras nefesh. To avoid an anger outburst is mesiras nefesh. There are many opportunities in daily life to exercise mesiras nefesh. When we do so, we demonstrate to our children that we are willing to forgo pleasure for the sake of doing right, and this is a teaching which our children can accept, not in the form of a lecture, but by actual life.

Children are able to have mesiras nefesh. In one shul, through an error in scheduling, two boys were to have their bar-mitzva on the same Shabbos, and both had invested much effort in learning the haftorah. The son of the more prominent member willingly yielded to the other boy. This was an opportunity to praise him for his mesiras nefesh.

'Kibud av voem,' respecting one’s parents, is a great mitzva, and there are abundant opportunities to set aside one’s own desires in favor of kibud av voem. You may be engaged in doing something, when your father or mother asks you to do an errand. Although you are annoyed by this interruption, you do what your parent has requested. This is mesiras nefesh.

Learning from Our Gedolim

As always, our best sources for ideal Torah-true behavior is the life-styles of our gedolim, whose lives were saturated with mesiras nefesh. I believe that at the Shabbos table, in addition to discussing the parsha of the week, episodes of the lives of the gedolim should be related.

A baal-teshuvah asked Hagaon Rav Chaim Kanievsky what he could do to instill yiras shamayim in his young son. Rav Chaim suggested that he learn sifrei musar with him. “Is that what your father (the Steipler gaon) did with you?” Rav Chaim said, “No, he told me sippurei tsaddikim (stories about our gedolim).”

There were some gedolim who did not achieve much renown. One such talmid chachah was Reb Yudel Holzman pf Jerusalem. One time, a collection was taken up to enable a person to have surgery, but Reb Yudel had exhausted his meager earnings and was already in debt to the gemach (free loan fund). He asked the gemach to extend him a loan, which he would be able to pay in the following way. “In my budget, I have money for wine for kiddush. I can recite the kiddush on challah, and use the wine-money to pay off the loan that I could use to contribute to the drive for the medical treatment.” That is mesiras nefesh..

There are opportunities for mesiras nefesh in doing business. The Talmud relates that Rav Safra had an item he wished to sell. While he was davening, a buyer offered him a price for the item, but Rav Safra did not interrupt his davening to respond. The buyer thought that Rav Safra’s failure to response was because the price he offered was too low, and he increased the offer. When again Rav Safra did not respond, the buyer again raised the offer. When Rav Safra finished davening, he told the buyer that he would sell it to him and the amount of the first offer, because in his heart he had agreed to this. That is mesiras nefesh.

Rebbe Yisrael Salanter was traveling to Vilna, and a young man on the train acted very disrespectfully toward him. “Your cigar smoke bothers me,” the young man said. Rebbe Yisrael could have pointed out to him that this was a smoking cabin, but he quietly extinguished his cigar. A bit later, the young man said, “Why did you open the window? The draft bothers me.” Rebbe Yisrael said, “I did not open the window,” and proceeded to close it.

When they arrived in Vilna, a huge crowd greeted Rebbe Yisrael. The young man realized he had offended a gadol, and apologized for his behavior. Rebbe Yisrael assured him that he was moichel wholeheartedly, and asked the young man what brought him to Vilna. The latter said that he came to be certified as a shoichet. Rebbe Yisrael told him that he could help him, because his son-in-law was a Rav in Vilna.

The son-in-law interviewed the young man and told Rebbe Yisrael that the young man was totally unprepared for certification. Rebbe Yisrael arranged for a senior shoichet to tutor him, and when he achieved certification, Rebbe Yisrael arranged to get him a position.

Rebbe Yisrael was asked why he extended himself so much for this young man. Rebbe Yisrael said, “I told him that I forgave him wholeheartedly, bit I realized that lI still harbored a resentment. I tried to help him in order to eliminate the resentment from my heart.” That is mesiras nefesh.

In Summary

Let us recapitulate. The human being is a composite creature, comprised of a physical body and a “something else.” This “something else” is the ability to be master over one’s animalistic drives. All other living things cannot make choices between right and wrong, and act according to their innate drives. Professor Einstein considers a person who is totally motivated by one’s drive for physical gratification as no different than a swine. Anthropologists are a bit kinder, and consider man as homo sapiens, or “a baboon with intellect.” But neither hominoids nor pigs, even if they have intelligence, are yet true human beings, The feature that defines man and sets him apart from other forms of life is what we may refer to as the “spirit.”

The Talmud says that reshayim (wicked people) are considered as dead even when they are biologically alive (Berachos 18b). Reshayim are people who are dominated by the yetzer hara, the drive for physical gratification. Although they are biologically active, their spirit, the component which defines one as a human being, is dead. Clearly, this person is lacking an essential component of humanity.

A person who is lacking a part of his physical makeup, whether due to disease, genetic mishap or trauma, is a human being with a defect. This person can compensate for his deficiency. A blind person or a deaf person is aware of his defect, and blind or deaf people can be a full human being. Not so the person who lacks the essential feature of the spirit, who is unaware of his defect. He functions at a porcine or simian level, and it does not occur to him that he is in fact infra-human. Despite his intellect, he is fundamentally lacking in humanity. Yes, he is capable of having a porcine happiness, but not a true human happiness.

It has been said of those people who deny Divine creation, and ascribe to man as the end product of billions of years of evolution, that had they seen Rebbe Yisrael of Salant, they would have realized that man is qualitatively different from other forms of life because man. has a spirit.

Practicing mesiras nefesh enables a person to overcome the animalistic drives for self-gratification. If we can succeed in enabling our children to overcome the hedonistic “If it feels good, do it,” we may be able to prevent their succumbing to the lure of drugs.

Working for Nothing

The yetzer hara deludes people to thinking that life is for pleasure. Looking back upon one’s life and realizing that it was all in futility, is the despair expressed by King Solomon in Ecclesiastes, “Nothingness of nothingness—all is nothingness.”

A man came across a peasant who was wielding a scythe, cutting a field of grain. ”How much are you paid for doing this?” he was asked. The peasant answered, “Sixty kopeks an hour and a shot of vodka.” The man said, “Come work for me. I’ll pay you one hundred twenty kopeks an hour and two shots of vodka.” The peasant readily agreed.

The man took the peasant to a vacant field. “I want you to make the motions with the scythe as though you were cutting down grain.” The peasant happily agreed, but on the second day, he quit the job. “But I was paying you twice as much,” the man said. “The peasant said, “Yes, but I was not accomplishing anything.”

Addiction may make us feel rewarded with "pleasure" but it accomplishes nothing - and even removes us from accomplishing our goals.

How can we tolerate the "work" we put into maintaining the addiction while accomplishing absolutely nothing?!

The neshama is part of G-d Himself

A man told me that he was at the airport, and he had his tallis and tefillin in his carry on. "I had to go to the men's room, so I left my carry on outside the men's room, because I didn't want to take my kedusha items in there. Then it occurred to me, that my neshama is kedusha, and if I don't take my tallis and tefillin into the bathroom, how can I take my holy neshama into an indecent place? Sure, I take my neshama into the bathroom because that's how G-d created me, so He wants me to do it. But he doesn't want me to take the holy neshama into the cesspool of the internet. Because the neshama is part of G-d Himself, it's the worst insult to G-d to take it into immoral places."

Guarding the Tongue Guards the Bris

There are many people who are desperate and say that they would do anything to be free of the compulsion. Here is something that will indeed take much effort, but if one is really ready to do anything, this can help greatly:

WATCH YOUR SPEECH! Be meticulous in avoiding ALL lashon hara (defamatory talk), any untruth, and any coarse language.

In order to know what proper speech is and what is forbidden, avail yourself of the Chafetz Chaim's "Guard Your Tongue."

This may seem simple, but it really takes great effort, because we are in the habit of talking without giving much thought to what we say. To become conscious and watchful of speech is anything but simple, but if one is really interested in being free of sexual compulsions, this can be of great help.

In Truth

There was an incident that taught me something about turning to Hashem for help:

At a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Jerusalem, one man who was seven years sober related that he had resisted AA at first because it was God-oriented, and he was an atheist.

"One day", he said, "I was walking along the beach in Tel Aviv, thinking whether I should just walk into the ocean and end it all. I had nowhere to go, my wife had thrown me out of the house. In desperation, I looked toward the sky and shouted, "If You're up there, then help me!"

And He helped me.

Now, with the help of G-d, I am seven years sober."

When I heard this, I thought of the verse in Tehillim: "Hashem is close to all who call upon Him, who call upon Him in truth".

That's the clincher: in truth.

Ulysses

Sixty-five years ago, in high-school, I learned a powerful mussar lesson, but I did not realize it at the time.

Ulysses was a hero and traveler in Greek mythology. He heard of the "music of the sirens." This was music that was heard at a particular harbor, and it was so enchanting, so attractive, that it drew sailors to the shore. However, there were sharp, ragged reefs in the harbor, and the ships would crash into them and were destroyed. Sailors knew this, and passing by the harbor, they would see the wreckages of the ships that had been destroyed, but once they heard the music of the sirens, they were helpless and headed into the harbor to their own destruction.

Ulysses wanted to hear the fabled music of the sirens, but knew that this would be fatal. He, therefore, stuffed his sailors' ears with wax so that they could not hear any sounds, and he told them that they were to sail by the harbor and pay no attention to anything he said. He then had himself tied securely to the ship's mast so that he could not move.

As the sailors approached the harbor, Ulysses began hearing the music of the sirens. He began shouting to the sailors to head for shore, but of course, they could not hear him. He began screaming at them, "I am your captain! You must obey my orders!" As he heard the music of the sirens, he struggled to free himself from the ropes. "Head for the shore!" he shouted. "I will have you hung for mutiny!" But the sailors rowed on.

After they had passed the harbor and the music was no longer heard, Ulysses fainted from exhaustion. The sailors then untied him, and he realized how helpless he had been, and had he not rendered the sailors unable to hear, they would have all been destroyed.

Much later I realized that the "music of the sirens" is the yetzer hara. It can enchant a person and render one almost helpless to resist its temptation. Seeing the wreckage of the ships did not prevent sailors from rowing to their destruction.

One cocaine addict worked in a mortuary, and buried people who were killed by cocaine, but that did not stop his use, and he died from cocaine at age 33. Cocaine, music of the sirens, lust, the yetzer hara - they are all the same.

There is no way we can "stuff our ears" to the "music of the sirens" that can be heard almost anywhere in our environment. The Talmud cites Hashem as saying, "I created the yetzer hara, and I created Torah as its antidote" (Kedushin 30b). It is our only defense. However, just holding on to Torah is not enough, just as Ulysses' holding on to the mast would not have been enough. We must tie ourselves so tightly to Torah that we can not break loose from it. This is why Moses repeatedly stressed, "But you who cling to Hashem-you are all alive today" (Devarim 4:4), "to Him you shall cleave," (ibid. 10:20) and "To love Hashem, to listen to His voice and to cleave to Him (ibid. 30:20). King David says, "I have clung to your testimonies (Tehilim 119:31). To cling and cleave means to be inseparably attached to Torah.

Learning Torah and doing mitzvos is of greatest importance, but does not yet result in the necessary fusion. The Talmud says that the single verse that the entire Torah depends on is "Know Hashem in all your ways" (Mishle 3:6, Berachos 63a). Cleaving and clinging is not accomplished by relating to Hashem just in Torah study and in performance of mitzvos, but in everything we do - eating, sleeping, transacting, socializing. The works of mussar tell us how we can accomplish this. It is this kind of observance of Torah that can save us from the destructive attractions of the yetzer hara.

When you pick up a fruit, think of what borei pri ha'etz means. Hashem designed a tree that would sprout from a tiny seed and produce succulent fruit, and feel gratitude to Hashem. When you say the bracha "poke'ach ivrim" think of the wondrous ability that Hashem instituted within protoplasm that it can have vision, and feel gratitude to Hashem. If we bring Hashem into all our activities, we are cleaving and clinging to Him, and when we tie ourselves securely to the mast, we can avoid the yetzer hara's "music of the sirens" that would pull us to our own destruction.

Coming to Terms with low Self-Esteem

Often, a major factor in the cycle of addiction is the perception of low self-esteem and shame that feeds on itself as a result of the acting out behaviors. These feelings of worthlessness lead to further falls, resulting in a destructive cycle. Rabbi Twerski often quipped that he didn't write tens of books, he just wrote one book about "Self-Esteem" in many different ways. In this eye opening article, Rabbi Twerski addresses the disorder of low self-esteem and gives us a peek into his own struggle with this issue.

Emotional disorders may be roughly classified into two groups. (1) Disorders thought to be primarily of biochemical origin, such as depression and related conditions. These are generally treated with psychotropic medications, and the results are often dramatic. (2) Disorders thought to be of psychological origin, which may not respond to medication, and whose treatment is primarily psychotherapy. Of course, there are hybrid cases where both factors are involved.

Psychotherapy may be prolonged. Typically, the therapist seeks to uncover experiences in the client's past which may have impacted on one's emotions. Using various techniques, the therapist tries to correct faulty impressions and undo their effect.

While the majority of clients are satisfied with the results of therapy, there is still an appreciable number who feel that the therapy leaves something to be desired. Although the primary symptoms were relieved, they may complain of a poorly defined residual uneasiness if not frank depression, which does not respond to anti-depression medication. This may affect domestic and social relations as well as education and occupation.

While the presenting symptoms may improve, it is clear that the client is still not back to 100% emotional health, and the therapist realizes that there is little more he can do. He may begin to think of the client as having a personality disorder, albeit not well-defined. I found myself diagnosing many clients as suffering from "low self-esteem." In 1978 I wrote a book, Like Yourself, and Others Will, Too, aimed at improving one's self concept.

Conventional wisdom is that low self-esteem is generally due to poor parenting, i.e., failure of the parents to show adequate appreciation of the child, or deprivation of love due to circumstances, such as parental absence or illness. There are a host of negative occurrences that can cause a child to lose faith in oneself. Therapy may be able to reinterpret traumatic events and build self-confidence.

I tried my utmost to help people overcome their low self-esteem, but I was only partially successful.

However, I had to come to terms with my own low self-esteem. The problem here was that I could not point to any factors which I could incriminate as causative. I had a wonderful childhood, and my parents were extremely loving and caring. In addition, I had a nanny, a childless woman who "adopted" me and saw to it that I lacked for nothing. The sun rose and set on me. I was bright and succeeded at everything I did. I was a chess champion at age eight. I was specially promoted several times and graduated high school at sixteen. I should have felt on top of the world.

Instead, I felt I was unlikable. I had to do things that would make people appreciate me. I became a "people-pleaser." I did some crazy things to gain attention. My sensitivity was extreme. When I gave sermons on Saturday, I was dependent on the accolades from the worshippers. If they were not forthcoming, I was crushed. But the approval and recognition I received from my accomplishments gave me only momentary relief.

I graduated medical school with honors. I became director of the psychiatric department of the hospital I wrote many books, but nothing changed. The feelings of unworthiness ate away at my guts. This was an enigma, and there was nothing I could do to shake off this feeling.

At about age sixty, I came across a novel interpretation of a verse in Psalms by Rav Simcha Zissel Ziev, a foremost mussar authority. Conventional wisdom is that the yetzer hara is a force created by Hashem to deter people from observing the Torah. The yetzer hara operates by tempting people to violate the Torah, and we must do battle all our lives to resist the wiles of the yetzer hara. Torah-observant people follow a life style of obedience to Hashem's dictates. One can rather easily identify the ideation wrought by the yetzer hara. When a person feels tempted to partake of non-kosher food, or to work on Shabbos, to steal, to have a forbidden relationship or to do anything that the Torah forbids, one can be aware that this is the work of the yetzer hara and one can utilize the Torah tools to resist it.

Rav Simcha Zissel addresses the verse in Tehillim (118:13) "Pushed, I was pushed to fall, but Hashem helped me". He comments that in addition to tempting a person to violate the Torah, the yetzer hara may delude a person to think poorly of oneself. There is an internal force inside of him that seeks to crush him by making him feel inferior and inadequate. This force is the yetzer hara. There is no frank violation of the Torah in this, and as with every delusion, one is taken-in by this false belief. A person may seek psychological help to improve his self-esteem, but the psychologist cannot counter the power of the yetzer hara.

A poor self-image is the source of many evils. Rabbeinu Yonah says that gaavah, the worst personality trait, is a defense against a poor self-image. The person creates grandiosity to counteract his low self-esteem (Rabbeinu Yonah Al haTorah). The desire to control others is also the same. Having power over others may reduce the feeling of inferiority, and this is responsible for many marriage problems. Some people lie to inflate their ego.

Both underachievement and overachievement maybe due to low self-esteem. The underachiever lacks self confidence and resigns oneself to failure. The over-achiever seeks to prove that she/he can excel. Any grade less than 100% is taken as evidence of one's inability to perform properly.

There is a paradox of low self-esteem. Highly gifted people may have a lower self-esteem than less-endowed people.

Rav Simcha Zissel's insight explains this phenomenon. A person with meager personality strengths is not going to be given a whopper of a yetzer hora, whereas someone with great assets may be given a more powerful challenge. Hence, the more capable person may actually have deeper feelings of inferiority.

Personal achievements may not eliminate the pain of a poor self-image. One industrialist who was a pillar of the community, confided, "One wall in my house is covered with tributes and plaques. They mean nothing to me."

Indeed, the suffering we experienced in the desert and with the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash have their origins in a poor self image. The spies of Moses said, "We saw giants in Canaan, and we felt as tiny as locusts, and that's how we appeared to them." The Chiddushei Harim said, "The way you feel about yourself is how you assume others perceive you."

Simcha is essential for true avodas Hashem. The yetzer hara scores a major triumph by making a person feel unworthy, which deprives one of simcha.

A psychotherapist can help you deal with those reality factors that are causative of low self-esteem, but he/she cannot help you in the battle with the yetzer hara. It is crucial that when you find yourself with feelings of unworthiness and inferiority that you remind yourself that this is the work of the yetzer hara to disable you. Use the sifre mussar to counteract this.

Always remember the words of the Talmud, "Beloved are the people of Israel, for they are described as the children of Hashem" (Pirkei Avos 3:18). The yetzer hara is at work 24-7-365 to make you forget this. Don't allow it to succeed. Pray to Hashem for His help in resisting the wile of the yetzer hara. Only intense tefilla can be effective.

The feelings of inferiority and inadequacy are a delusion wrought by the yetzer hara to disable a person. The first line of defense is to refuse to accept the yetzer hara's ideas. This is extremely difficult. I suggest comparing in to the "phantom limb" phenomenon.

A person who has had a leg amputated may complain of pain in his non-existing toes. He can see that he has no leg, but still feels the toes. It is essentially a hallucination and delusion. Some medications and treatments may help. Eventually the phenomenon disappears. It is most difficult to accept that he has no foot, even though he sees it.

When the yetzer hara causes the delusion of inferiority, it is very difficult to deny its reality. It takes a great deal of emunah to do so. If a person has sincere trust in someone, he can accept that someone's opinion that his feelings of inferiority are delusional. The verse that R' Simcha Zissl cites is the answer, "Pushed, I was pushed to fall, but Hashem helped me" - Hashem continuously does many good things for us, e.g. give us life, health, family, a roof over our heads, a job, etc. He sees each of us as worth having around and supporting. Intense tefilla, in which we must ask Hashem to help us see ourselves in the positive light that He sees us, is necessary.

A person may also have feelings of low self-esteem which are due to circumstances such as deprivation of love and failures. These may be overcome with psychological help. I addressed these in my books "Life's Too Short", and "Ten Steps to Being Your Best".

Possible articles to add to book:

http://torahweb.org/torah/special/2006/dtwe_materialism.html

http://torahweb.org/torah/2009/moadim/dtwe_15av.html

(Torahweb.org)