Recall Negative Consequences

Anytime you start thinking about the benefits of porn or masturbation, use it as a reminder to start thinking about the negative consequences. This can help somewhat neutralize the urge, or at least give you enough motivation to resist the urge. Your CBA can help you find out what the negative consequences are for you.

In The Porn Myth by Matthew Fradd, he describes it like this:

Finish the fantasy. This might sound counterintuitive, but it is so practical. When something triggers an initial thought, our mind gets stuck in a rut of anticipation. Thoughts are focused on what is coming or what we could be doing. Instead of staying in that rut, finish the fantasy: picture yourself following through with the action—walking to your computer, binging on porn for a few hours, masturbating, and then feeling like a miserable failure as a result.

See also Review your CBA.

Play the Tape Forward

AA has a tool called Play the tape forward. It's is especially good as combatting euphoric recall. It's also knows a "Play the tape through (until the end)".

One of the things that helped was a new visualization tool I learned, called “playing the tape forward.”

“Playing the tape forward” is a technique used to help cope with drinking cravings and urges. When a craving appears, I pictured what would happen if I gave in. I imagined buying that first drink, and asked myself what I would do next. Then I’d ask myself what would happen after that.

When I continued on in this way, “playing the tape forward” in my mind, it eventually showed me exactly how that first drink would inevitably lead me straight back into the depths of my addiction.

The goal of the exercise is to be as honest with ourselves as possible. We try to stay objective as we play through the “tape” of our possible future.

As addicts, we often tell ourselves lies like “I’ll just have one drink.” By imagining where that one drink will lead, we can understand it’s true consequences. As a result, it’s easier to resist.

Medium.com, How “Playing the Tape Forward” Helped Me Stay Sober.

From SMART Recovery members

Although this isn't actually in the Smart manual/handbook, it's a well recognized tool when dealing with urges. There is a really great example, including an audio version, available at https://smartrecovery.org/a-not-so-perfect-high-2/

There are 2 sides on every tape so let's look at what happens with side A. I'm going to use myself and alcohol for an example but it applies to any behavior we're trying to change.

Side A

Something happens or nothing happens, but I get it into my mind that maybe a drink would be helpful or a good idea. But I've learned that I have a problem with alcohol, so I'm only going to have "a beer". Wait a minute, have I ever had just a beer, no, not really. So it's probably not going to be enough and I better get a six pack. Sure enough, I go through the six pack very quickly. It's like catching up with an old friend - where have you been, I missed you.

Given my own history, I'm unlikely to stay at home. It's more likely that I'm going out to get more. However, it's later now and I have to go to a bar and buy their "off-sales". Fortunately for me, I no longer have a vehicle or driver's license (alcohol took care of that one) so i don't have to worry about another DUI. But again, now all that beers caught up to me and I have the potential for being in a blackout. In other words, I'm fully awake - just drunk and unaware.

It wasn't uncommon to "come to" with no recollection of where I was or how I got there. Including in a drunk tank with no memory of any police interaction or waking up in my vehicle and not recognizing my surroundings.

Then the next morning rolls around. I've got a massive hangover. I'm nauseated,feeling all kinds of uncomfortable emotions - shame, guilt, regret, etc. I can't come to SROL and tell you what happened, what would you think after all my years of advocating sobriety. So I go back to what I know and continue drinking.

The last time I went through that scenario, it resulted in a decade of homelessness and 15 years of my life. Still, my mind can try to tell me that this time will be different - LYING SOB.

OR

Side B

Same scenario, same circumstances. However, this time I don't drink. I pull out my Smart tools and remember all the values I don't wish to compromise (HOV), I remember that any benefit is likely to be short term and the consequences severe (CBA), I remember that urges are temporary and will pass - okay, sometimes like a kidney stone but they do pass, I remember how hard I've worked to build a sober, fulfilling life, I use the DEADS tool to delay, escape, avoid, distract or substitute and I don't drink.

The next morning when I wake up, I'm feeling elated and proud. I have a sense of accomplishment. I have no regrets.

Now remember, I'm still at the point where I haven't actually taken any action one way or another, I'm just mentally playing out the likely outcome of a course of action given my own history. The potential "what if's". I, also, need to remember to "play to tape" all the way to the end - I've had a history of hitting the "pause" button when things start to look or sound uncomfortable.

#jwg54

Another SMART Recovery member wrote:

This tool is mentioned here every now and again and I've described it to some people myself in chat where it tends to take up some space so, not knowing whether it is written anywhere here in a permanent form, I've decided to add my version of it for consideration.

OK, so you have an urge or been triggered by something. Think about this. Imagine it in your head. Picture the scenes as they relate to you.

Those first few drinks are great. The first one goes done so well. It tastes good. It reminds you of that lovely high you get at drink three. Drink two gives you that tingle. Drink three (or four or five) gets you there. Things are humming. You're relaxed. You're funny. Your repartee is sparkling. You can dance, sing and talk to strangers. Drink four and five and you're buzzing. You're invincible. The bad feelings have gone. You're chill. You're there.

Drink six and seven you start to feel quite happily drunk. You can still keep it together although possibly a bit close to losing it. (OK, for brevity's sake insert your own experience here.)

Now you're drunk but not stumbling or slurring words. The next drinks get you completely smashed. You start to feel a bit maudlin (that tearful stage of drunkenness) and maybe makes some telephone calls you hadn't planned on or you're very rude to someone or become aggressive. You might even drive the car to go get some more booze. You might have to crawl to your bedroom sobbing.

Continue on here with your own experiences until you're stumbling, passing out/blacking out, vomiting, falling over and hurting yourself, cooking, swimming in the harbour, deciding you can juggle the chainsaw (insert your own risk taking behaviours) etc.

Are you thinking about suicide now? It's all so hopeless. Here you are again.

Now imagine waking up the next day. Remember how your head felt. Can you roll over without your head feeling like it's still moving? Is there a hammer in your head or ears? Are you thirsty? Are you vomiting before you clean your teeth, during or after? Are you vomiting bile or are you just dry retching?

Can you remember what you said to anybody last night? Who did you call? How many of those sleeping pills did you take? What else did you do? Who might you have alienated?

Can you walk straight or do you lose your balance? Are you still drunk? Is it safe to drive or don't you care? Are you thinking about having another drink to take the edge off things? Can you eat without having to rush to the toilet with diarrhea?

Remember not being able to concentrate at work, making stupid mistakes, looking like shyte, disguising those burst veins in your face with make-up, calling in sick, lying, screaming at the dogs etc.

Remember to keep going playing this tape to the very end. Spend as much time recalling the aftermath of those first 3-5 drinks. Was the brief time you were 'nicely' inebriated worth the feelings of despair the next day?

#spence2010

From GYE Members

• Another thing that helps me neutralize my question on a more emotional level is the following: I try to imagine my life after already having had the pleasures I so crave. If I crave doing x,y and z, I try imagining having done so already and how I would feel about it. Would my life be so much different and better? I many times realize that having license to do x,y and z might be geshmak for the moment, but on the long run it doesn’t change my life for the better (and in fact sometimes for the worse). Many times it helps me sober up a bit from when I have a craving for something not so good. #anonymousmillenial
• Your phrase "A long week of holding out" screams at me from out of the page. It strongly suggests you are "Dry Drunk." i.e. You are using will power to stop falling, but inside you really want to experience the temporary physical pleasure of falling, to use the pleasure as a stress relief and a reward. I advise that you focus on the horrible feeling after you fall, and deeply embed in yourself that the fall brings more uncomfortable feelings than nice ones. That you need to be nicer to yourself, to get more enjoyment from life. So that you do not need to 'Hold Out" for a "Reward", but can breathe every day. Please think of the positive life and enjoying life, and take each day one by one, each hour by hour, doing something nice every hour. #ColinColin

Further Reading

• https://serenityvista.com/play-the-tape-through/
• https://www.newstartrecovery.com/2017/10/playing-the-tape/
• https://addictionrecoveryvoice.wordpress.com/2015/02/11/play-the-tape-all-the-way-through/
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBrWNPYkNfI (focuses on the positive too)

Torah Sources

• קהלת פרק ב, יד: החכם עיניו בראשו והכסיל בחשך הולך וידעתי גם אני שמקרה אחד יקרה את כלם. ופסיקתא זוטרתא (לקח טוב) שם: החכם עיניו בראשו. שרואה הדבר ויודע מה יהיה בסופו, כדתנן (אבות פ"ב מ"ט) איזהו חכם הרואה את הנולד: והכסיל בחושך הולך. שאינו מחשב סופו של דבר אלא כל מה שיבא לו עושה.
• משנה מסכת אבות פרק ב, ט: אמר להם צאו וראו איזוהי דרך ישרה שידבק בה האדם רבי אליעזר אומר עין טובה רבי יהושע אומר חבר טוב רבי יוסי אומר שכן טוב רבי שמעון אומר הרואה את הנולד. וברע"ב שם: הרואה את הנולד - צופה ומביט במה שעתיד להיות, ומתוך כך נמצא מחשב הפסד מצוה כנגד שכרה ושכר עבירה כנגד הפסדה.
• תמיד דף לב עמוד א: איזהו חכם - הרואה את הנולד. וברש"י: המבין מלבו מה שעתיד להיות קורות שעתידים לבא ונזהר מהן.
• גם כדי להרחיק האדם החטא ממנו, ישקול בדעתו שאין עונג החטא כגודל החרטה שעתיד להתחרט ממנו ולמאוס בחייו איך ככה עשה. שבט מוסר פ"ד ד אות ט-י.
• מגיד מישרים פ' משפטים: ה' עמך גבור חיל אזדהר ממיכלא ממישתא ומהנאה בעת שתתענג במאכל ובמשתה בהסתכל מיאוס האוכל בעת לעיסתו וכל שכן מיאוס של האוכל שנעשה בעת הוצאתו.
• Thinking about the regret he'll feel right after - והתקדשתם Ch. 34 p. 136 references 39,40.
• בנוגע להתגברות על עניני תאוה - איתא בספרים (ראה של"ה פד, א. ועוד. תניא פי"ד ובכ"מ) שהצעה לזה היא שהאדם יצייר לעצמו את המצב שלאחרי מילוי התאוה. והרי טבע בני אדם שלאחרי מילוי התאוה רואים שזהו דבר שאין בו ממש ("עס איז גארניטש"), ועד כדי כך, שהאדם מתפלא על עצמו היתכן שלא הי' יכול להתגבר על התאוה. ולכאורה נשאלת השאלה כיצד יפעל על עצמו עתה להיות במעמד ומצב כמו לאחרי מילוי התאוה; לאחרי מילוי התאוה מתקרר מתאוותו ואילו עתה יצרו בוער כאש וא"כ כיצד יתכן שיהי' עתה כמו לאחרי מילוי התאוה? והמענה לזה שכיון שיש בו הענין דאלקי יצחק שהו"ע דלמעלה מהזמן יכול לעמוד עתה כמו בהמצב שלאח"ז. תורת מנחם, ש"פ תולדות תשי"ד עמ' 16 הע' 48.