How I reached 90 days

From the Front Lines (#2)

"NachalNovea" writes on the forum:

Hi everyone, I’m not the usual type of guy to be writing on these things but I am clean for over 3 weeks!

This includes weekends at home, Coronavirus & being alone with technology for a long time, and many battles. Battles that without reading the experiences and simple victories of the holy chevra here, I would not be anywhere where I am today. Simply reading what we are all trying to attain + realizing that we are all in this together is tremendous.

My story really starts in high school, and has never been fully under control since. Went to yeshiva and had some good streaks but never really fought a battle. When I came back from Yeshiva, I fell hard and fast. To a point where I just tried to make it from Shabbos to Shabbos. The pre-Shabbos mikva became 1 big tefillah, begging hashem to give me the internal strength to be strong again just one more time. Like Shimshon.

Then I found GYE and I feel like a new person! This has been an amazing journey so far and I really owe you guys a yasher koach & huge thank you.

P.S. The levels on the 90-Day-Chart give me so much chizuk. (I am at the level of “Eved Hashem” now), it’s a phenomenal feature!

Earning the "Tzadik" crown

I joined 90 days ago and BH i made it to 90 days! I cannot thank you enough for the push. I have been wanting to reach this accomplishment for a while now and this site finally helped me succeed!

I just wanted to share with you and all members the following experiences I had on this journey.

It started off pretty easy. Then feelings started coming back. At that point I read the SMART recovery pamphlet (write to [[1]]) which I found to be super helpful in getting me over the initial hump. Over the weeks I was able to keep focused with the help of my wife and this website.

Last night- right when I was about to be crowned with the "Tzaddik" award on the 90-day chart, I was hit hard. My wife encouraged me to celebrate, so I cracked open a few beers. It was great but I felt the urge coming. Right before I went to sleep I made sure my devices were protected. That was a huge step. But it was still not over. My one year old woke up and would not go back to sleep. In the room with her was an iPod that belonged to a sibling of mine. I knew I had it all right there if I wanted. The battle was HUGE. I picked up the iPod and I was about to start flirting with danger. It was such a struggle, but with Hashems help I was able to not give in for almost two hours. I was so upset that it was happening and I was hoping to not fall. Finally my daughter went to sleep. I went to sleep with major urges, but with Hashems help, I fell asleep and woke up clean!!

When I woke up this morning I realized what happened. Hashem wanted me to earn that "Tzaddik" crown. He put me in a position that I was in previously, and where I had failed. It felt like it was the tenth nisayon given to Avraham Avinu. Hashem wanted me to earn it.

This morning I have felt the most amazing feelings I have felt in my life. I felt like a new person and I felt the crown of Tzaddik personally placed by Hashem on my head. I have no other way to explain it. My wife noticed a difference instantly and she exclaimed that I look like a completely new person. A whole new part of me was in the room.

I felt it so important to share with everyone. You have to realize that it won't be a breeze but that is what makes you an olympian. This experience was so amazing for me, and I hope everyone can experience it soon.

Stay with it. It's wild on the other side.

Thank you again.

How I made it to 140 days clean

#Dave M

Before I share what works for me, I want to thank this wonderful organization from the bottom of my heart for the amazing things it has accomplished. Without the GYE community, I would be lost as I try to navigate this increasingly insane world.

A little background on my struggle. Since I was a teenager, I always struggled with M"ZL. B'H, since I was away in yeshiva during my high school and bais medrash years, my access to the internet was always limited. As such, viewing inappropriate websites was not something I really struggled with. After I got married, I spent a few years in Kollel. During this time, we did not have internet in our home. However, I always struggle with M"ZL. I realized, that getting married, sadly does not cure us from these nisyonos. When I left Kollel to go to work, that's when things started to get very challenging. As my job necessitate the use of a computer, I now had to fight the urge to refrain from viewing inappropriate materials. It's amazing how very few websites are completely clean. Many "innocent" websites have advertisement or links to other sites that can lead to a dangerous path.

At first, the spiral started by viewing images that were not clean, although technically not porn. Not surprisingly, eventually this led to viewing more explicit materials. The feeling of hopelessness and despair that I felt was horrible. I was losing control. How can I look at my wonderful wife and kids after the things I've seen?

Around two years ago, by some miracle I discovered GYE. The feeling of relief was palpable. I finally discovered a whole community of people with the same struggle. GYE provided a map, guidelines, and perspectives on how to approach this nisayon. The GYE handbook is a remarkable compilation of advice and how to have the proper attitude when approaching these nisyonos. Joining the 90-days challenge helped too. I was successful in making great progress in shmiras einayim and cutting down on the amount of times I was M"ZL. I would have nice stretches of 30-40 clean days. However, I would eventually fall. Then comes the feeling of guilt and nothingness. But I kept on trying and davening to Hashem to pull me out of this black hole.

B"H, I'm now holding at 140 days clean. I recognize that there are different levels of addictions and lust related behavior. Everyone has their challenge. No 2 challenges are alike. But I wanted to share with the rest of the GYE community what has worked for me to help me reach this milestone. Some may seem obvious, but it took me a long time to internalize them.

1. For me, the key to this battle is avoiding triggering situations and putting up the necessary fences to help protect me from falling. Below are some examples that are applicable to myself:
   • I do not own a smartphone. Yes, this has caused some inconvenience and believe me, I do get asked some uncomfortable questions on why I'm "not with the times". But I don't care what people think. For me, having a smartphone will just be too dangerous. I cannot risk it. Perhaps down the road, it will be unavoidable, and I will need it for work, etc. But for now, no thank you.
   • I stay off social media.
   • At work, there are multiple ways to get to my desk. Some routes have women who don't always dress appropriately. I try to avoid those routes.
   • Up until last year, I used an older free filter on my personal computer. Besides it having an adverse effect on the functionalities of my computer, It was not a very strong filter and had many loopholes. After one of my bad falls, I finally upgraded to a much stronger filter. It is one of the best $140 I've ever spent.
2. Do not even start "acting out", thinking that I'll be able to stop before I fall. It's a ploy by the yezter hara. Even if I resist now, it will fester and grow stronger, until eventually I cannot hold back anymore.
3. Besides working on not giving in and being careful what I look at, I realized that it is just as important to work on my "kedusha" and growing as a yid. One small area where I made changes was listening to shiurim during my commute, instead of the radio. One series of shiurim that were a lifesaver is "The Fight" by Rabbi Shafier. These shiurim discusses how to overcome the nisyonos we are faced with. It can be downloaded for free at the following link https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
4. Utilizing the resources on GYE:
   • Reading the daily chizuk emails
   • Posting on the forum and reading/responding to other people's post
   • Reading and Reviewing the GYE handbook. This is an incredible handbook!
5. Of course to always and keep davening to Hashem to help us overcome this nisayon.

As an aside, one of the great chiddushim GYE came up with was the concept of "hitting rock bottom while on top". The earlier one hears the "wake up call" the easier it will be to climb out of this dark hole. I find that after having a bad fall, there will be a short period of guilt, shame, and humiliation. This feeling can go two ways. Either it can be used to beat us up and give up hope or it can used as a burst of inspiration to change. It is important to not let this moment slip by without making real changes to one's behavior.

One more point/suggestion I want to make. Chazal tells us that when one davens for his friend, he will be answered first. There have sprung up organizations that were created around this concept. Such as matching up older singles to daven that each one should find his/her zivug or childless couples davening for one other to have children. Many times, when reading a first timer's post that describe their pain that this addiction had caused, I cry. I may not know that person, but I feel his pain. I recently started davening to Hashem to help all the members of the GYE community to overcome their challenge. Perhaps this is something we as a whole can adopt.

I know that I still have a long road ahead of me and can never let my guard down. The yetzer hara is constantly working and coming up with new methods to get me to fall. I still have moments when I feel my resolve weakening and have come close to falling. But with Hashem help, I, along with the rest of the GYE community, will persevere and win this battle.

90 Days Clean

Dear GYE!

First of all, thank you so much for your site, it really does give strength!

I tried it once before but without success. This time, however, when I was fighting my yetzer, I decided to look at your site. As soon as I came on to the site, a few people popped up starting a dialog. The truth is, I was not in the mood to talk and even though I was anonymous, I was embarrassed to be there at all. But something magical happened when I started speaking (writing) with this person who seemed like he needed help: on the one hand, I felt totally unable to help him at that moment and was myself in need of help; on the other hand, just giving him a few words of encouragement did something to me that I can't explain. Suddenly, my yetzer (for that moment) was neutralized! I was able to walk away from the computer without sinning and have maintained the momentum since then by watching your videos and reading some of the material I found on your site to download.

I know where I was holding 90 days ago and I know where I am holding now and there is an amazing difference.

Just a personal note, I am in my mid 50's and also married and so it could be that my battle at this point in my life is easier than for someone who is young and single. But if there is one message I would share based on my experience over the past 90 days, it is this: "Don't give up and don't despair!"

May HaShem bless you with all your efforts to continue to help people and give them spiritual strength!

Motivation+Battle Plan=90 days

I am finally at 90 days for the first time!

What was different about this time vs. all my previous attempts? My motivation, strategy, and mindset were the game changer. I changed my mindset to viewing this as an actual battle. No general goes to war without a plan. For this reason, I began with writing real battle plans on paper for those times I would be in the bathroom for a longer period of time. The plans mostly involved keeping my mind occupied while in the bathroom (for example, mental math), and making checkpoint voice recordings (like checkpoint #1 "on the way to victory" to inspire myself). The basic idea is seeing where I may fall and doing something about it. After a while, I B"H got stronger, not necessarily having to go to the same extent of fighting. I soon learned how to distract myself on-the-go, and moved on from there.

For strategy, I needed to stay involved every day. Not just involved, but active. For this reason, I wrote a blog of every day of this journey, made 2 WhatsApp groups, tried helping other people along the way, and opened up more.

For motivation, I just really wanted to win. I was sick of losing. I was shocked that I had fallen the last time, and told myself and G-d that I was done. This has been a goal for way too long, and I don't care if the battle gets hard, I will win! I'll plan ahead, write battle plans, and will win this once and for all!

Thank G-d, that came out to be true so far! Motivation can actually take you really far! I really hope to continue this amazing progress, going from milestone to milestone, and have an opportunity to successfully help other people in this area.

100 Days and staying on focus

I am 27, married with 2 kids, learn in Lakewood. I have struggled with porn, masturbation, phonesex, google images, going through underwear drawers, and much much much more. In other words, I was a big-time luster. I was lusting everywhere: from the phones in Walmart to my friend's wife's phone that I was given for an hour to fill up with music to my other laptop. I would sometimes go to Internet cafe in a private room and just watch for an hour or two. Any filter I had I got by. My wife shut off the internet on her phone - I still found ways to search and find porn - and usually found something. I am not proud of all these things but just in case there is someone out there who finds this and thinks that he's alone - you should know, I was as perverted as they come. I used to "fill my lust deprivation" with anything - even a semi-romance book I found in a nursing home while going to be mashlim a minyan.

I thought it would never stop, everywhere I would go I would find ways and I would lose all shame. Even once after a stretch of being clean, I was in a hotel with the wife on vacation and I used the hotel computer to watch porn.

Well now, I am something like 100 days clean - I made a kabbala/deal with a friend of mine that if I fall within 90 days I will give him 1000 dollars. So it worked. I can't say I had no slips but my quality of life jumped - not right away - but after like 60 days, my mind got this setting that was like 'okay, we're not struggling anymore - it's over baby!'

Since I hit 90 days I be cruzin'! I hope it lasts. I still get hit with lust and tests and try not to look a second time or a third or a fourth or minimize - but I have already been in places with an open internet and the thought didn't enter my mind.

What helped me most of all: Hashem and a couple of friends on this great site; a lot of keeping busy; and music. But the main thing is that I used to think I have to constantly be in attack mode but now I realize once lust attacks, I am way too weak to conquer alone - so I worked on constantly being on focus - calling people, emailing people, and got close to some amazing people.

Then 2 weeks ago, I had my hardest test ever: I am clean for like 80 days or so and ..... Youtube was open on my laptop for a few minutes and I started watching some 1970's movie with nudity and in the middle I found the strength to call a friend because my focus was so strong! I just started dialing and he saved me so here I am today.

90 Days!!!

#Yiddishe Midel

Wow, wow, what a journey it has been!

Before I found GYE, I was stuck in a horrible rut; falling and acting out, then feeling disgusting about it, doing teshuva, and saying never again. But before I knew it, lust took a hold of me and I was at it again! It was a vicious cycle, which I had no idea how I would get out of.

GYE showed me that I wasn't alone in the struggle, that I'm not a faker - just a 'struggler,' and, most importantly, that there IS a way out! Now I had someone I was answerable to, someone cheering me on and checking up on me and I had a goal to reach!

I reached 90 days on the first day of Sukkos, which I feel is significant: to be able to celebrate my 90 days clean with Hashem mamesh!

Although it's still a struggle, it's now an uphill climb, reaching new peaks every day.

I have endless hakoras hatov to GYE for enabling me to actually do it!

Forever grateful,

By His Help Alone

90 days free of porn watching has arrived. No sense of pride at all, just a deep sense of thanks to GYE for not rejecting me and an infinitely deeper sense of thanks to Ribono shel Olom that there is a way out. HaBo LeTaher Mesayin Lo - since joining GYE, I have often thought that HaBo is the important word - it doesn't say HoRotzeh LeTaher - it is not enough just to want to be clean, we have to do something, show we want to be better. In our case we have all joined GYE, we have made the move, and in return, Ribono shel Olom has given and is giving us the help that only He can. It is the first time in 5 years I have stayed off porn for 90 days. It hurts to write this sentence, to recall the constant sense of shame and self-revulsion at davening the next morning, the fear that my wife or kids would find out - you know it all.

But here we are, all helping to bear each others load, all suffering and rejoicing with each other through the bad times and the good, and that is why GYE is such a wonderful organization with such wonderful people who write such wonderful comforting things which help to drag us up from the rubbish heap. We are all in this together. I feel now that till I joined GYE, I was walking along the edge of a cliff - and constantly falling over the edge. Now there is somebody on my other side, who is stopping me from falling and who I know will catch me if I do. The struggle has not abated, but it has become more manageable. Till now, once the lust had me in its grip, there was nothing I could do - totally helpless to keep away from the screen. I sickened myself - and yet I went ahead watching, powerless to stop. All the while outwardly keeping up appearances...

Now, I think of you guys struggling like me, I think of my GYE homepage and clicking the number of days 'still clean' - and I think I can't just give in and go back to where I was - in the gutter - and somehow I have the strength for that minute not to click the mouse!

May HaShem help ALL OF US in our daily struggle!

90 Days - Finally!

Wow! Finally at 90 days. It has taken me about 7 years to get here. And the truth is that I am only partially at 90 days. It is a full 90 days for MZL, but I slipped and looked at inappropriate websites about 2 weeks ago. I didn't count it as a fall, because I really need the chizuk of hitting 90. This was the furthest I have ever gotten and I thank you so much for the guidance forum and help!

What made me able to get this far was primarily TAPHSIC. Without it, I used to fall regularly after one or two weeks or a month at most. But now, I went 90 days!!! And my slip from last week was because I let my taphsic expire and it hadn't included looking at things in it. I have since renewed it and included it in.

I am going to start again and now try to get 90 without looking at anything bad.

Thank you!!

(Still) Hopeful

Reaching 90 Days

#Heemircho

B”H, yesterday I reached the 90-day mark. There is no question that the competitive nature of the 90-day chart and award system with different levels helped me jumpstart the process. Part of my issue was that I was seemingly the only one who cared about my success in Kedusha-related matters. As soon as I got to GYE and joined the chats, probably the third question everyone asks is “how many days sober are you?” This is powerful motivation even if you are not sure what you are able to do. People care and it makes a difference. Everyone has one goal, which is to stay sober.

Another tremendous thing is the breadth of knowledge available on GYE. Personally, I like to research fully everything I do and I always enjoy seeing various approaches. GYE is a virtual Beis Medrash. Not only can you find chavrusas to learn all the Sugyas related to Kedusha, but you can get advice from the greatest Roshei Yeshivos in these fields. I am not going to go into specifics, but suffice it to say there is sage advice on any question imaginable on the forums.

The tools I use on a day to day basis can be broken down into three categories.

One: avoiding triggering situations. The daily chizuk emails are a great reminder in general of Shemiras Einayim.

Two: mitigating triggers so as not to compromise my control in the face of a triggering situation. For example, if I am feeling stressed, I have learned to relieve that stress as soon as possible before my body decides to try to relieve it with a lust attack.

Three: reaching out to friends I made when I am going through a tough phase.

I am greatly indebted to GYE, the directors, administrators, donors, members, and all those affiliated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.