Intimacy: Tips for Controlling Ejaculation
As explained at length in the kuntress for men, female orgasm generally works very differently than male orgasm. Whereas men, generally speaking, can reach full arousal very quickly and experience orgasm and ejaculation very quickly; for women, generally speaking, it can be very different. It can take women much longer to reach full arousal (and requires a whole process of "piyus" as elaborated upon in the kuntress), and their experience of orgasm is not just one burst and then done. Rather, to feel fully satisfied, women generally need to maintain a plateau of ecstasy for quite a few minutes, and within that plateau of ecstasy there will be multiple orgasmic bursts. Since a man's sexual drive more or less completely dissipates after he ejaculates, it is important for a man to try to accustom himself to holding back ejaculation until his wife is close to having completed her entire ecstasy/orgasm process. This way a man will be able to ensure that he is fully satisfying his wife, and not only himself.
A number of men have asked how, practically speaking, one can accustom oneself to controlling when ejaculation occurs. So here are some tips that hopefully will be helpful. It must be emphasized that the following information cannot in any way take the place of professional medical guidance, and is being provided for informational purposes only.
1) It could be that the eiver is getting overstimulated during foreplay, and that one should do less of whatever is overstimulating it.
2) It is possible that there is a psychological barrier. In other words, it may be that in one's mind, there is absolutely no way to hold back the ejaculation once the eiver is stimulated to a certain degree, or once penetration has been done.
To deal with this, try to start telling yourself (during foreplay, don't do this stam during the day because it is not beneficial to be thinking about tashmish so much) that it is completely possible to hold in the ejaculation. Eventually your mind will allow your body to do what it b'etzem can do.
3) Some advise that, immediately following penetration, one should make absolutely no movement for an entire two minutes. No movement at all. This allows the eiver and the whole system to calm down a bit.
It is possible that one may be assailed by the thought, "But it is going to come out NOW!!! And I need to move back and forth or else it's going to be such a disappointment!" Just ignore that thought. Nu, so the worst case scenario is that the zera will come out without any back and forth movements. That's ok. No harm done. It will be just as enjoyable. The back and forth movements are anyway a function of the body's biological programming to ensure that the eiver will be stimulated to the point of ejaculation so as to ensure insemination. So, if the ejaculation occurs without the back and forth movements, who cares?! Mission accomplished anyway.
Mind you, this is very easy to say, but in the heat of the moment it can be very difficult to implement.
So let's say the first time a man tries the approach of "no movement for two minutes following penetration", the ejaculation occurs anyway. Ok, no harm done. So he'll try again next time.
It may take him a month or so to start to get the hang of it, and that's perfectly ok, and to be expected. Eventually his body and mind will get used to the idea that ejaculation does not have to occur right away.
Once a man has mastered the ability to execute penetration and then completely cease all movements for a solid two minutes without ejaculation, he can move on to the next stage of beginning gentle, slow back and forth movements after those two minutes. A little bit of slow gentle back and forth, then once again no movement for a minute or two. And so on and so forth.
But don't overdo how hard you work on this. Make sure both you and your wife are enjoying everything each step of the way.
Note: it may prove too difficult to work on these things when one's wife is at an advanced stage of pregnancy. If that's the case, it may have to wait until next time.
4) It is very important to realize that doing tashmish right demands an enormous amount of energy. As such, getting proper sleep on an ongoing basis is extremely important to being able to control ejaculation. Healthy diet and exercise are also very important. The stronger and healthier the body is, the more energy that will be available for doing tashmish correctly. Of course, the general mitzvah of being in good health ought to spur one to get proper sleep, eat healthy, and exercise, but realizing that these things have a direct impact on the quality of tashmish can help a lot to getting one to actually start being makpid on these things.
5) There is an exercise called "kegel" which is purported to directly strengthen the pelvic floor and thus make holding back ejaculation much easier. Basically, this exercise strengthens the muscles that control that whole area, so it becomes easier to hold back. It's pretty simple. Think about what happens when someone needs to go to the bathroom really badly, but there is no bathroom available. What's happening is that the pelvic floor muscles are contracting to hold everything in and prevent it from coming out. When one needs to badly go to the bathroom, that muscle contraction happens automatically, involuntarily. However, it is possible to voluntarily make those muscles contract in order to exercise and strengthen them. So every time you do a voluntary contraction of those muscles it is akin to pulling up a weight with your bicep. If you do a set of pulling up weights every day, eventually your biceps get really strong. So if you do a set of pelvic floor muscle contractions every day, eventually they get really strong. As in all exercise, take it easy and slow. Don't overdo it or you can cause injury. Maybe start with 2 voluntary contractions a day, three times a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once in the evening. Do that for a week or two, and then move up to 3-4 contractions three times a day. Keep it there for a week or two and then move up to 6 contractions three times a day. And so on and so forth until you get up to 10 or 15 contractions three times a day. Of course, if at any point you feel like it's too much, ease off.
6) There are medical interventions that can help. Topical gels/creams/sprays (e.g. lidocaine) that slightly numb the nerve endings in the skin of the eiver can be bought over the counter. It has to be applied 10-15 minutes before activity commences, must be washed off after those 10-15 minutes (so that it doesn't have too strong an effect and also so that it does not numb the oso-makom or get anywhere else that it is not wanted), and one must be careful to not use too much of it. Viagra, although normally used for erectile dysfunction has also been shown to be effective for premature ejaculation. This can also be bought over the counter. And there are also anti-depressant and opioid drugs available by prescription that have been shown to be helpful.
Other than too-much-numbness, the topical gel/cream/spray option is associated with the least side effects by far, however, other interventions have been shown in the research literature to be associated with greater benefits in terms of ejaculatory control and overall satisfaction. Of course, one has the option of experimenting with the over the counter options on one's own, but it is highly advisable to seek professional medical guidance in determining the best option for medical intervention given the individual. Realize that the doctor will not be shocked. Research has shown that fully 1/3 of men suffer from premature ejaculation at one point or another in their lives. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about this problem with anyone, but a medical professional will not be surprised by such an issue, and can be of enormous help in determining if medical intervention is called for and specifically which medical intervention is best indicated.
Lastly, make sure that whatever is used will not have a negative interaction with any medicines that one is taking (this is another reason to talk to your doctor about it). And if one has an adverse reaction, obviously use must be discontinued.
Mechaber Kuntreisim
kuntreisim@gmail.com