Twerski on GYE - Q & A
Broken and threatened with divorce, I had finally "hit bottom"
One of the first members on the GYE website shared how he had hit bottom with his addiction and had written to Rabbi Twerski for help in 2005. Here are some excerpts from that story...
Broken, threatened with divorce and yet not believing I could ever stop, I had finally "hit bottom". I wrote to the renowned religious psychiatrist, Rabbi Avraham Twerski, the author of many books and a leader in dealing with alcoholic addictions, and I asked him if there was anything I could do to break free. Here is what he answered:
Your case is not unusual. I say this because I can tell you what works and what does not work. Sexual compulsions come in a variety of ways, but the common denominator is that the person has a compulsion which he finds it very difficult to resist. He tries all kinds of ways (like you did) but nothing works, including marriage. This kind of compulsion is essentially an addiction. The only thing that works, in my experience, is participation in a 12-step recovery program similar to that of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is called either Sexaholic Anonymous or Sex & Love Anonymous. They have meetings everywhere, including Israel. You should be able to locate a meeting via the internet.
There are many excuses for not attending meetings. What happens if someone sees me? The bottom line is, if a person wishes to be cured from cancer, he'll do anything. If one wishes to overcome a destructive sexual addiction, nothing should stand in the way. There are two important books to read. (1) Sex and Love Addiction (SLAA) Anonymous and (2) Cybersex Unhooked. Both are available at www.hazelden.org/bookplace. Get these books and you'll find out what it takes to free yourself of this problem. Psychotherapy is the frosting on the cake, but the 12 step program is the cake. When you attend SLAA meetings, you may be able to find the name of a competent therapist. Many psychiatrists and psychologists have not been trained in addiction.
The particular type of sexual compulsion does not make much difference. A beer drinker can be as alcoholic as a whiskey drinker. The core problem is the inability to restrain oneself from doing something that one knows he should not be doing but appears powerless to control it. A number of religious people have been able to do with the 12 step program what they were not able to do with mussar (religious ethical texts). Perhaps this is because of the group support. We may learn mussar together, but we don't practice it together, which is what happens in a 12 step meeting. Read the books. There is a book "12 steps and 12 traditions" which describes the 12 steps. It's worth reading. Although it was written about alcoholism, one just substitutes the particular compulsion in place of "alcohol."
A. Twerski
Rabbi Twerski's answer made me realize for the first time that I was dealing with a serious addiction. I bought the books he suggested and began to learn about conquering addictions. I also asked him about going to these groups possibly being chillul Hashem for a frum person. He responded:
One person's secret is also the other person's secret. People at the meetings, being aware of the compulsive nature of the problem, do not consider it a chilul hashem. My contact for the frum person is a very chassidish man (shtreimel and white stockings) who has good recovery. If you wish I can put you in touch with him.
We skip to further on in the story...
Today, I am happy to say that I have been free from the pornography addiction and masturbation for more than three years. About two years after breaking free, when my wife was about to give birth, I became afraid again. I knew I would have to be "cold turkey" for about 6 weeks and I had never attempted total abstinence for more than two weeks (during the periods that my wife was periodically not available to me for halachic reasons). So I gathered the courage and wrote again to Rabbi Twersky again asking him for advice on how I would possibly manage! Here was his answer:
At one time, it seemed like 2 hours was impossible. You progressed so that two weeks abstinence is possible (when your wife isn't available). Continue the methods you are using, but instead of thinking 6 weeks, think, "Just today I have to control," and that is feasible. You can't do anything today about what is going to be tomorrow, so don't take it on. In SLA they tell you that the only success is by taking just one day at a time. Hatzlacha.
To my own amazement, I made it through the 6 weeks! Obviously, I was extra careful to guard my eyes during that time, and it really helped a lot. This major test did a lot to prove to me that I was truly free from my insidious addiction. Today, I have learned to guard my eyes wherever I go. I have learned to give up these crazy desires to G-d. I feel so free today, compared to the obsessed and compulsive person I used to be.
Throw in the Towel?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, We received this email below from a young man. Would the Rav be willing to address his belief that stopping is impossible?
I am a 22 year old single guy. I have battled in the area of sexuality for years and years (I actually can’t remember not having this yetzer harah). You have no idea how much I wanted to stop. I took my very expensive cell phone and threw it in the dustbin. But the internet was still unavoidable. I used to have bitter, bitter nights where I would cry myself to sleep. I installed a filter on my PC but it was useless, when I was in the grip of desire I would even reformat my PC to gain access. After a lot of thinking and honesty, I realized that medically speaking it is not really possible to stop if you are not married. I had to completely change my attitude. I no longer believe that I (and a lot of other people) can stop masturbating. For years I believed I could stop, do you have any idea how much pain and suffering that belief caused me? I believe that this belief was one of the main causes for my pornography addiction (although I admit that there probably are a lot of other reasons).
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Contrary to logic, marriage does not help sexual addiction, and continuing masturbation after the marriage can ruin it.
His conviction that he cannot overcome the addiction is the addiction talking to him, saying, "Give up the fight, It's useless. You'll never succeed, so why put yourself through the misery."
Other than try to stop and pray etc, what has this young man done to make essential changes in his character? That's where one should begin.
I attended an AA meeting where the speaker was celebrating his 20th year of sobriety. He began by saying, "The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again" (but the man I am today, will not). Alcoholics who have not had a drink for many years but have not overhauled their character are "dry drunks" and will often drink again. The same is true for sexual addiction.
How does one become a different person? By working diligently on improving one's character traits. Learning how to manage anger, to rid oneself of resentments, to overcome hate, to be humble, to be considerate of others, to be absolutely honest in all one's affairs, to admit being wrong, to overcome envy, to be diligent and overcome procrastination. In short, one should take the Orchos Tzaddikim (I'm sure it's available in English), and go down the list of character traits, strengthening the good one's and trying to eliminate the bad ones. This does not happen quickly.
When one has transformed one's character and has become a different person, one will find that this "new person" can accomplish things that the old person could not.
Is the nature of lust addiction similar alcohol addiction ?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, We received an email from someone who has been working on himself very hard over the past 9 months and made excellent progress. However, with all his progress, he still feels very easily triggered in the street, and he feels that to some extent, he is not much more than a "dry drunk". He posed to me a very fundamental question, on which I would like to ask the Rav's advice. Basically the question is, if he would take his struggle to the next level and join a 12-Step SA group, is there truly hope that through the program he will achieve a point where he no longer wants to lust at all? Can he achieve a level where the "lust sensors" in his brain won't go off like they do now? I know that with alcoholics, this can be achieved with the 12-Steps. As the Alcoholics wrote back in 1939 in AA (p. 101) about how they felt after recovering through the 12-steps:
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!"
But is it the same with lust addiction? Can the 12-Steps really change a hyper-sensitive arousal sensor in the brain, carved out by years of using stimulation? He is reluctant to join 12-Steps groups because it would shake the boat again with his wife. He is however, willing to take this major step if he knows that his thinking really will undergo a change. If the Rav can please give him / us guidance.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
As long as he is doing well, I would not change things in the middle of a winning streak.
Lust addiction, in contrast to alcohol and drug addiction, is more like food addiction. One can do without alcohol or drugs, but one cannot do without food. Similarly, there is a need for a healthy sexual drive in marriage.
The Talmud relates that the sages "captured" the yetzer hara and imprisoned it. The next day one could not find an egg on the market, so they had to release the yetzer hara. Inasmuch as the yetzer hara is the source for healthy sexual drive, it cannot be eliminated.
The ultimate solution is for a person to work hard on increasing one's yiras shamayim and praying for siyata dishmaya. There are no short cuts.
Please Help me Rabbi!
Hi Rabbi
I am not ready to tell you my real name. I trust that you will keep it confidential. Just to put myself in context, I am studying towards a masters in law. I am an observant orthodox Jew.
I fear that I have a possible cyber addiction to Internet pornography, and it's getting out of control. Whenever I connect to the Internet at home I have this very intense desire to look at pornography. I feel terrible whenever I do it and feel sick afterwards but I still do it. I feel intense feelings of guilt and self loathing when I do it but that does not seem to be a deterrent anymore. Although I feel this intense guilt and loathing about myself, I "enjoy" looking at these terrible pictures and at the same time I want to never look at them again. Short of great embarrassment, I am not sure what will stop me from doing this. I am fearful that if I continue, I can kiss a married life goodbye and that is something that I want more than anything else. It's also hard to reconcile my belief that I am a good person with the fact that I enjoy looking at such images. Rabbi I need to stop and I feel that if I don't then it will develop into a shocking habit and virtually destroy all that I have worked for. I lose my appetite when I do it, and am impatient towards other people and my stress levels fly through the roof whenever I do it.
Over Yom Kippur I was reading one of your books on alcoholism and I felt it spoke to me is some sense about any type of addiction. Please can you recommend me a book to read that either you have written on this type of subject or that someone else has written. I feel that religious books are generally not that well written and are un-academic. These books are written by lay people thinking they are experts and they tend to not directly relate to non-denominational Orthodox people like myself. If the author is a Lubavitcher he talks about the Rebbe. If he is haredi, well, he would be too fearful to write what needs to be written. I get turned off straight away. Your book was different, it spoke to everyone. If you have written such a book or know of a similar book or article that you can attach then please tell me.
Do I need help? I feel I do, but I don't know the number. Your email address is the only "number" I have. If I go to counseling my mom would know about my possible problem.
Thanks Rabbi
Ilan
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Dear Ilan,
The campaign by some haredi leaders to eliminate the internet, even if desirable, is not realistic. While anyone with a bit of know-how can work around a filter, it can nevertheless be of help to a person who is sincere in escaping from this quicksand.
Have you seen the website www.guardureyes.com? I believe it is of value, not only because you realize that you are hardly the only frum person with the problem, but also because there are helpful suggestions from people who overcame the problem.
I hope to contribute to that website when time allows.
Chazal say, "Tzoras rabbim chatzi nechama." I don't know if it applies to this. Yours was the fourth contact of its kind this week. Internet addiction has become epidemic among the frum men AND women! If you have a fax machine, I can send you copies of letters just like yours.
You are right. Promises don't help and nedarim don't help. Psychiatry and psychology are not of much help. It is very much an addiction over which self-controls don't work.
For alcohol and drug addiction, there are support groups of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. For sexual addiction there is Sexaholics Anonymous.
A frum person will say, "No way I can expose my problem by going to a meeting." I understand. There is a very fine, very frum young man who is in recovery from this problem. He'll be glad to talk with you. He does not need to know your name. The most effective help can come from someone who has overcome this problem. I'll e-mail you his number. You can call him and you will remain anonymous.
Twerski
Please Help Me Rabbi! #2
Dear Chaim,
I respect your sincerity and desire to overcome this problem.
Before Rebbe Yohanan ben Zakai died, his talmidim asked him for a beracha. He said, "May you fear Hashem as much as you fear other people. There are things a person would be ashamed to be seen doing by others, but is not ashamed to be seen doing them by Hashem."
People who would be afraid to look at pornography in a smut store because someone might see them there have no shame in being seen by Hashem. The first paragraph in the Shulchan Aruch instructs us to constantly be aware that we are in the imminent presence of Hashem and behave accordingly.
Work on improving yiras shamayim. Read the appropriate sifre mussar on developing yiras shamayim and pray for it intensely.
I have something else that may be of help, but it is not on the computer so I cannot email it. I can fax it or mail it to you.
Today's yetzer hara is greater than ever before in history, and among others, you are facing a difficult struggle. But you must try hard, and Hashem will help you.
Twerski
Am I an Addict?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, My wife found out I was viewing pictures and she was very offended, and rightfully so. It almost ruined our marriage! However, since she found out and I admitted everything to her, literally everything, she suggested I get help. She thinks I have an addiction. She could be right, I am not sure. I think I'm a normal guy and I have the same challenges as other guys. I don't know how to classify an addiction. Do I need professional help with counseling and group therapy? Or am I just a normal guy with a high libido?
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
There are probably a number of ways to define addiction. If you have a desire to do something, and know you shouldn't be doing it but go on to do it anyway, that indicates a loss of control. When this is repetitive, it justifies being considered an addiction.
OCD people may feel compelled to do things, but these are generally not things that are wrong. For example, repeated hand-washing, repeating words in davening, etc. OCD often responds well to medication, addiction does not.
You should accept that you do not have control over your sexual acting-out, and therefore avail yourself of sources of help.
How about a Torah Based 12-Step program?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, There has been a lot of discussion lately on our forum about the 12-Step SA groups, and if there might be potential problems for frum yidden in these groups, and if there might be some way to develop a Torah based 12-Step program, what are the cons, what are the pros, and at what stage should we send someone to the groups, are they for everyone? Can they do any harm to someone who doesn't really need them?
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Many years ago, I was asked, Why don't we have a recovery program based on Mussar? I wrote the book "Self Improvement? I'm Jewish!" with such a program, and said, "turn the page and read the 12 steps." It's the same thing.
Inasmuch as there are some possible concerns about SA groups, I would not send anyone earlier than necessary, i.e. not until one has tried all the tools on guardyoureyes.com.
I don't think we need a Jewish SA any more than we need a Jewish AA. However, it would be very advisable for Jews in SA to have hashkafa meetings with a competent instructor at convenient intervals, perhaps monthly, or bi-weekly if possible. Questions and answers allow people to bring up their concerns and issues. A small dose of Mesilas Yesharim may be good.
I am now preparing 10 minute segments of Mesilas Yesharim for the Chafetz Chaim Foundation "chazak" program, where people call in for a chizuk message. I hope to ultimately combine them into CD. I'm sure Chafetz Chaim will permit its use.
Are SA Groups for Everyone?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, I was contacted yesterday by someone who has nearly 3 years of sobriety after attending the SA groups in New York. He's a chassidishe guy, and today he's almost 3 years sober B"H and is a sponsor for others in the groups as well. He pointed out that we are too quick on the website to send people to SA and that this can sometimes cause more damage than good if the person is not fully ready for it. (By "being ready for it", he explains that the person's life has become unmanageable and he'd rather die than continue, but he can't stop). I wanted to ask the Rav's advice on this, since it is a serious issue. He claims it's a very big achrayus to send someone who is not ready to the groups, and that it can cause untold destruction and suffering to that person or to the others in the group. Here is his letter below:
It is vital to understand, that many, if not most, people on your website are not true addicts yet. They may have addictive behaviors and it will surely progress to the the point that their lives will become totally unmanageable that they will rather die then live such a life. However, at the present they realize that they have a problem and want help. No one becomes an addict overnight! The help and chizuk received from your site, the phone meetings, and the forum may be exactly what they need to stop. The fact that that they are not alone and there is a loving and caring community that they belong to, may be just what they are looking for. Sending someone like this to SA could do more harm then good; I say this from my own experience.
Being is SA for nearly three years, I have seen so many people come in and leave, and I can say almost all of them did not come by themselves (rather, they were told by others to try the groups). Upon leaving, it only got worse, far worse than you can ever imagine. The first step says "we admitted that we were powerless" and "that our live had become unmanageable" this means one has to admit it, not be told "well, you have a problem, try this this may work". It also means that a person must realize and cry out: "my life is unmanageable and it can no longer go on like this anymore".
Honestly speaking, most people on your site, Boruch Hashem are not there yet. They still have a job, were not caught by their spouse or boss, did not accumulate so much debt that bankruptcy is the only option, and are nor not having sleepless nights because they are so miserable with themselves, or became suicidal. Sending some like this to SA will endanger them and the welfare of the others who already are in SA. Who can take the achrayus for the risk of those dealing with such a devastating addiction, being exposed to the public by some insincere individual. What about the welfare of their family, job, community status, shidduchim, etc. Also, if a person is not ready for the groups and comes to them anyway, he will only learn new things and go out and try them.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
He has a point. I think your suggestion had been to try the phone conferences and other tools on the site, and hold off attending groups unless that doesn't work. That will weed out those who are not yet far gone.
Can an addict start dating?
Hello Rabbi Twerski,
I am a 21 year old Yeshivah Bochur and college student. I started lusting at the very end of 8th grade. I've been involved masturbation, pornography and even bad chatting, but B'H I have been shomer Negiah throughout high school. I joined GuardYourEyes in the end of April '09 when I saw an ad for it on Vozisneis. It was that day that I realized I had an addiction. In the past few months, although there have been times where I've been very good and very close to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, there were times where I felt like abandoning Judaism out of sheer frustration. Right after falling I'd say to myself, "I cant live this double life. I need to choose one. I've tried giving up the porn, but it just stays with me". When I get a streak of even a few days its such a great feeling though. Like I am king and nothing can stop me...
I am getting to the age where I need to start consider dating for marriage. I have 3 very close friends who are all engaged and I feel maybe now is the time in my life, once I get my issues in order, to look for my one and only. I don't think this recurring issue will ever leave me. Be'ezras Hashem I will grow stronger everyday in order to be prepared to fight it off when it comes next, but I don't think I can get rid of the images that are carved into my head. So how do I know when I should start dating? My friends ask to get me a Shidduch and I repeatedly turn them down without giving them a specific reason. My plan is to get a streak of 30 days in which I am clean. I think this itself is enough to build a relationship with. I would like to think that going into dating with a 30 day streak (which I have only done once since I have been an addict) will help me continue and become stronger. If the Rav can please give me straight forward, honest feedback. Thank you very much.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
I don't know of any hard and fast rules on how long one must be abstinent.
It is important to know that the addiction is under control before considering marriage. Marriage is not a hospital and does not cure addiction, and continuation of the addiction is likely to ruin a marriage.
Attendance at SA meetings and getting support from the group can be very helpful.
There are some good therapists who can help.
At the risk of nepotism, I can also recommend my son, Dr. Benzion Twerski in Brooklyn.
Twerski
Should I See a Therapist?
Dear R' Twersky shlita,
I am a yeshiva bochur who recently joined the Guardyoureyes website after many years of struggling with my addiction, and that was the beginning of changing the course of my life. At first I managed for approx sixty days 'clean' but fell in again after that. I am on my second time around (hopefully be"h the last) and I am so far about 30 days clean. Recently, my anonymous GYE "partner" who is going through the same problems as me, told me that he had gone to a sex-addiction therapist and that it had really helped him a lot, and he thought it would do a great deal for me too, if I would go.
I wanted to ask your daas torah, being that I am still skeptical about going. The surroundings I was brought up in, and my yeshiva too, don't hold too much of psychologists, therapists and the likes. But if it's the right thing for me to do, I'm fully prepared to go. I just do not want to go only on the basis of my partner's advice, since he is just a young anonymous person from the GYE website. What do you suggest?
Thank you.
From a real admirer (we've got basically every one of your books at home).
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Because Freud was an atheist who was anti-religion, psychology got a bad rap years ago (which was well deserved). Modern psychology is generally not anti-religion.
A good sex-addiction therapist is not going to lead anyone off-the-derech. A person who is sexually addicted is, in that area, off-the-derech already, and getting help with the addiction can actually enable him to strengthen his Yiddishkeit.
Of course, I cannot vouch for all therapists. If he has a good reputation, that should be OK.
Twerski
I’m pretty sure my husband is addicted. What do I do?
My husband lost his job twice in the last year. Yesterday I happened to check the internet history and was HORRIFIED to see that my husband was on inappropriate sites every day. I asked him about it today and he is totally denying it. I said I need explanation and he says he has no clue. All he is saying is that he is finding it very weird but he PROMISES it wasn't him. There is no one else that has access to our computer. I think our sholom bayis is not great as is but this definitely tops it off. I am very unsure of where to go from here. By now I'm feeling very insecure and also I'm starting to wonder also if this is somehow related to the reason he lost his job. Any advice? Thank you. Desperately waiting for an answer….
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Unfortunately, many people become addicted to inappropriate materials. Many have been helped by the support at www.guardureyes.com, but understandably only if they really want help.
There are also some therapists who can help. Depending on where you live, I may be able to suggest someone.
Can one enlist the services of a therapist who happens to be Gay?
My initial feeling is that I think that he should express his gratitude toward the therapist who has helped him, but should ask for a referral to another therapist. However, inasmuch as this may be an halacha issue, I'm going to ask my posek.
A few days later he replied:
Regarding the gay therapist, as long as he does not discuss condoning homosexuality, he does not have to switch.
The company I work for does not have a filter, and I have fallen into the trap. What can I do?
http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Images/RabbiTwerski.gif
Should an S-Anon threaten the spouse to get help?
Dear R' Twerski,
Lately we have been having some machlokes on GYE regarding what advice to give wives who discovered that their husbands are addicts and the husbands are not motivated to get help.
One view claims it's best that the wife "force" the husband to get help in any way possible, including threatening to leave the house or divorce. This way the addict will hit bottom hopefully. This is based on the idea that the addict will only seek help when it hurts enough, and the wife can make it hurt... And also that the wife should insist on getting the Internet out of the house or put in a good filter.
The other view claims that the S-Anon approach is not to try to control the husband, but that the wife should first deal with her own recovery and she can decide to stay or leave, but pressuring the husband into getting help is not productive.
Can you help us get more clarity on this issue?
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
I don't believe in threats. If a wife feels that she cannot live with her husband because of his behavior, she should tell him so, but not as a threat. And she should not say this unless she means it. Very often, when she threatens, she later backs off.
So, go to S-anon and decide what you want to do for yourself.
Jack Asks - Part 1: Depression after stopping
Dear Rabbi Twerski,
One of the members of our forum who goes by the name "Jack", is 49 years old and has been struggling for 38 years. Jack was on our phone conference once in the beginning of Elul, when the therapist on the line mentioned a recent study that found that it takes 90 days for a person to change the neuron paths in the brain, and thereby change an ingrained thought pattern. The therapist claimed that the study found, that if a person was able to refrain for 90 days from a certain type of behavior they had become accustomed to, it would become much easier afterwards to continue. At that moment, on the phone-line, Jack decided to start his journey and aim for 90 days. He is already past 60 days clean with the help of all the wonderful people who offer support on the forum and with the help of the Live Hot-line, and by keeping in daily touch with me as well.
Yesterday Jack wrote me the following:
I'm DEPRESSED - i feel like I lost my BEST FRIEND!! The porn made me happy. There's nothing that can replace that for me. I am empty inside now. I spoke to Elya last night, and he listened to me. There's nothing that makes me as happy as those images on the screen, and now that i gave that up, i don't know where to turn for happiness. I'm having a rough time of it. jack
I know that the Rav has much experience in this area, and if the Rav has a few minutes to give him some pointers, it could prove invaluable to saving him now and also help provide direction to us as well. Thank you very much!
Rabbi Twerski responded by fax, Nov 2008.
Jack Asks - Part 2: How to fill the void after quitting?
Sensual pleasures fill a void. But Torah, which is spiritual in nature, cannot possibly fill a missing emotional hole. How do we use Torah to fill in a hole that was caused by something emotional? In my case, my parents really did a lot of damage to me emotionally. If you can help me fill the void, maybe it will help me with overeating also. You see, I eat (sometimes) till I'm sick and can't do anything productive - all I want to do is sleep.I could have been a big talmid chacham if i wasn't sleepy all the time from overeating. You see, my parents did a 'wonderful' job with me.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Dear Jack,
In order to have both physical and emotional health, we require proper nutrition. If we lack certain essential vitamins and/or minerals, we develop "deficiency syndromes". Lack of iron and B vitamins may cause depression.
If a child was raised by abusive parents, who, in addition to being unkind to the child, deprived him of proper nutrition, he may be very depressed as an adult. A physician who examines the person may diagnose the nutritional deficiencies and prescribe the missing vitamins and minerals. The person may say, "How are those going to remove the pain of the abuse?" The answer is that the vitamins and minerals will remedy the deficiencies, and he will have to get therapy to deal with the consequences of the abuse.
Human beings are more than just intelligent animals. Indeed, we come into the world essentially as animals and we are to develop ourselves into the spiritual beings we were meant to be. If we lack spirituality, that creates a void. If we lack spirituality and also had abusive parents, we must fulfill ourselves spiritually and get therapy for the consequences of abuse. A lack of either will not solve our emotional problems. Of course, if a person numbs oneself with chemicals, one will not be aware of any void, because one will have no feeling at all.
Yes, we come into the world as animals, and we are to rise above the animal level. Animals are motivated only by their desires. No sense of duty, no sense of responsibility, no sense trying to improve oneself. Many people never rise above an animal level, and are nothing more that intelligent animals who use their intellect to gain gratification.
It is terribly unfortunate that some people descend to below animal levels. Animals have a sex drive and they gratify it, but they do not make an industry out of sex. They do not have perversions. They do not ruin children with pedophilic molestation. They do not exploit others' drives for their own profit.
If we fail to become that which we were meant to be, i.e., spiritual beings, we will feel a void. We would feel that void even if we had the most loving and caring parents in the world. If we fill that spiritual void, we may nevertheless suffer from emotional trauma or deprivation in childhood. The two are separate and should not be confused.
Think seriously about who you are and what you can make of yourself. Sexual gratification may give you momentary pleasure, but does nothing to make you into a better person.
If we are unhappy, we may blame our parents, but blaming someone for our misery is just an excuse so that we don't feel we must do anything to make changes in ourselves. It is true that we may be what our parents made of us, but if we stay that way, it is our own decision to do so.
Shekker HaChein
I struggle with lust for many years. I have been going out with a girl for a while now and I am deeply attracted to her personality. I enjoy our time together, our conversations of deep meaning. But I have little physical attraction to her. I am not sure what to do. Is vision of physical beauty something that is truly important? Will this matter in 5, 10, 25, 50 years?
I look at my friends that are married and see them gawking at other girls. I ask them "aren't you married?" When I get a casual brush off like "I'm married, not dead" or "I can look but not touch". I don't EVER want to be able say that. I want to be so attracted to my wife that I will have no reason to look anywhere else because I know that I cannot be satisfied in any other way. To have the mindset to know that I am in love with a beautiful women that lives with me will keep me away from ever going off any cliff. THAT is what I feel I need to rid myself of this curse (along with Hashem and Tefilah).
Please offer some insight. (Preferably before the Shadchan calls me and tells me that it's time to propose).
--Yosef
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Let me share with you my observation of many years of experience.
My most valuable teaching in psychiatry came from a buddy, with whom I was discussing a patient. He interrupted me, saying, “Twerski, stop talking logic!” He was right. I was dealing with an emotional problem, trying to apply logic. Emotions are not subject to logic, nor are facts subject to logic.
You comment about friends who look at other women even though they are married. The fact is that their wives may be exceedingly beautiful, but this does not stop them from looking at other women. But if their wives are so attractive, why do they look at other women? That is a logical question. Whatever causes a man to gaze at other women is not affected by his wife’s beauty.
I had a case of a man who was married to a model of stunning beauty. He was attracted to other women and developed a sex addiction. On the other hand, I knew a man whose wife was terribly unattractive, but he was madly in love with her.
We are all subject to the influence of the yetzer hara, which is a powerful but totally irrational force. To repeat, if you have a tendency to look at other women, it will not be lessened if your wife is Miss America.. But why is that? Because the yetzer hara does not follow logic.
As far as your personal relationship is concerned, there is truth in the dictum, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” King Solomon was the wisest of all men, and he said, “”False is charm and vain is beauty; a G-d fearing woman is praised” (Proverbs 31).
We live in a society which emphasizes physical beauty. So many of the Hollywood beauties are unfortunately sick. The goddess of beauty, Marilyn Monroe, committed suicide.
If you will have a sincere love for your wife’s character and praise her for her personality and her relationship to G-d, she will be beautiful to you.
Books have been written about dealing with the yetzer hara. This is a life-long struggle with a force that seeks to destroy a person. We each have to search for ways to neutralize this destructive force.
Logic suggests that physical appearance is important. Experience tells us otherwise.
I found out my father is looking at shmutz. What can I do?
Dear GYE,
I am in a horrible predicament. I discovered that my father (a talmid chacham, a big bal chesed) is looking at ervah on our filtered internet. We are a frum 'regular' family. Please please I need advice of what steps to take. I have no idea what to do and I can't have anyone know about this.
With much hakaras hatov in advance.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
I spoke with my posek who said that there is no kibud av problem, as long as she does it gently and respectfully.
"Tatti (or Abba):
It hurts me to talk to you about this (she'll probably cry when she does this), but I know you've been viewing things on the internet that are not lefi k'vodcha. I love you and I respect you, and I want to be able to continue doing so.
At this point you cannot stop without help. If you do not receive help, it will progress and will be a terrible busha for you and the whole family.
Effective treatment is available without fear of exposure. Please don't tell me that you will stop on your own. It can't be done."
She can then put him in contact with Guardyoureyes, me, or anyone you suggest.
Should I tell My Mother?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, A woman called that she found out her father was using escort services and the like. I offered to send the father an e-mail telling him that someone in the family was concerned about him and wanted him to know about GYE and SA 12-Step groups. She is a nurse, however, and she is concerned that her mother could possibly catch AIDS, hepatitis or herpes from the father who is doing these things. She wants to know if she should let her mother know and/or confront the father. What would the Rav advise in such a case? Thank you!
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Inasmuch as her mother is in danger of being infected, she is obligated to protect her.
She could tell her father, "I know it's not my business to dictate your personal life, even if I disagree with it, but your actions are exposing mother to danger. She must be told. It would be better if you told her yourself, but if you don't I will have to tell her."
Question's About the 12-Step Program (Oct 2008)
How does the 12-Step program coincide with me being frum?
I fail to understand how the program coincides with me being frum, let me explain, when I overcome any type yetzer hora I become closer to hashem and gain schar in olam haba, the same is true when working on my middos and definitely with fighting my sexual desires. I am not working on my sexual addiction purely as a physiological problem as a non-jew would but also as a frum Jew trying to do hashem's will. When working with the 12 step program, especially if I end up hooking up with a non Jewish sponsor, I will not be working on my problem as a Jew. I feel it's like if I were having a problem with my emunah in hashem or my davening needed chizuk and I went to a Christian support group giving chizuk in our belief in god and praying but we would be discussing two separate gods (me as Jew and they as christians).
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Years ago, a person in recovery requested that I develop a recovery program based on our sifrei mussar. I wrote the book "Self Improvement? I’m Jewish!", which is such a program. At the end of the book I say, “Now turn the page and read the 12 steps.” The two are essentially identical. However, instead of the phrase “G-d, as I understand Him” we would say Hashem.
A non-Jewish sponsor can guide you through working the steps, but any issue involving Yiddishkeit should be taken up with a Rav who understands the 12 step program. The sponsor is not providing chizuk in emunah, but may show you how to put your emunah to use. In JACS there are a number of haredi Jews who have no problem following the 12 step program. Obviously, in forming a circle, one should not hold hands with a woman. One can station oneself between two men.
- I have attended many mussar shiurim. Everybody understands the importance of mussar, but I doubt if many people walk away with the feeling, "If I deviate from this, I'm dead!" A person sincere in recovery realizes that his very life depends on following the program, not theoretically, but very practically. If people would accept mussar that way, it would work.
- No one in any mussar shiur I attended has ever spoken up and said, "I tried to do things my way, and I fell right back into my old ways." That helps bring home the message that one's life depends on following the program.
- I don't recall anyone in a mussar shiur being so touched that they began to cry. It happens often in the 12 step program.
- No one in a mussar shiur shares strength, hope and courage.
These things are what makes the difference.
Why can't I find a single mussar sefer that talks about addiction?
Why can't I find a single mussar sefer that talks about the concept of addiction? Yes, you will probably find certain ideas in seforim that match the concept of the 12 steps and maybe even addiction, but the idea of being struck with a disease is clearly just not out there in mussar seforim. Chaza"l understood the human mind and the yetzer hora much better then any psychologist but the seforim only talk about the old fashion way of just not doing aveiros and holding yourself back, there are no 12 steps, diseases, methods etc. in the words of chazal. I heard you talk about the fact that you found all of the 12 steps in Sharie Teshuva and the Rambam on the phone conference and I actually looked them up but they definitely do not clearly give you these as tools and don't mention the concept of addiction. It really bothers me that as a frum Jew, I can't find salvation in the torah but have to turn to modern psychology for new ideas and the 12 step program, a concept indirectly (or directly) related to Christianity as if Judaism does not cater to this type or strength of a yetzer hora.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
In my meager knowledge of the sifrei mussar, I have not found a structured method on addiction, although the principles are all there.
I surmise that the widespread addictive use of drugs did not exist when the sifrei mussar were written. Actually, the epidemic of drug use in the secular world is a rather recent (20th century) phenomenon, or at least if drug addiction did exist, it was well concealed. Alcohol use was more common, yet never reached current proportions.
The aphorism “shikker vi a goy” (drunk as a gentile) is no longer valid, but I suspect that in earlier days, the opprobrium of shikker was so intense that it suppressed addictive use of alcohol. There were a few shikkurim who were social outcasts. Alcoholism as we know it, i.e. functioning alcoholics may have existed in greater numbers, but this too was concealed.
Obviously the incidence of excessive drinking among Jews has increased. As recently as 50 years ago, country clubs did not take on Jewish weddings or Bar Mitzvahs, because they make their money on alcohol rather than on food. Today they actively solicit Jewish events.
Whereas forbidden sexual activity certainly occurred, I doubt that the phenomenon of sexual addiction was ever brought to the attention of the authors of sifrei mussar.
How does "Turning our will over to G-d" work?
I have read books and a lot online on the 12 step program. The two main recovery components of the 12 step program are group support, which I could definitely benefit from and steps one, two and three where we realize we are powerless, realize only god could help and we turn over our will to god. Can you explain how this works, I am sitting in front of my computer with a enormous urge to browse or masturbate, how do I suddenly turn over my will to god and how does it help? Is it in the mind? What changes that I can all of a sudden control myself?
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
It is of great interest that the 12 step program requires “practicing these principles in all our affairs.” One cannot isolate alcohol, drugs or sex and address only these behaviors. The program requires a comprehensive moral inventory and a sincere attempt at eliminating one’s character defects. Successful recovery requires an overhaul of one’s character.
One AA speaker, on the occasion of his 20th anniversary of sobriety began with, “The man I once was drank, and the man I once was will drink again.” Successful recovery requires emergence of a new person.
The Talmud says that a single verse which encapsulates the entire Torah is “Know G-d in all your ways” (Proverbs 3:6). All authorities, from Rambam down, explain that not only must one observe the mitzvos of the Torah, but all one’s actions should be “Torahdig.” A person who indulges in everything that the Torah permits is referred to as “a vulgar person within the confines of Torah law” (Ramban Leviticus 19:2). Just as it is a violation of Torah to eat chazzer (pork), it is also a violation to eat strictly kosher food like a chazzer (hog). A person is required to eat Torahdig, sleep Torahdig, transact Torahdig and cohabit Torahdig.
Turning over one’s will to the will of Hashem cannot be exercised when one is faced with temptation. From the time one awakes until one retires one must live Torahdig. Just dressing haredi and wearing a beard haredi and even davening haredi is not yet a Torahdig life style, and will not discourage addiction.
It is not easy to turn all of one’s life over to Hashem, but this is what the 12-step program requires and what Torah requires. “Half measures avail us nothing,” and for that matter, 95% measures also avail us nothing. “Know G-d in all your ways”
Can one work the steps without the meetings?
Will working the 12 steps by myself (books, online etc.) without going to meetings work? Or if I find another way of group support (a partner or the website) without using the 12 steps, will that work, is it worth a try?
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Group support is vital. Let’s compare it to tefillah, which should be b'tzibur (with a minyan). The sefarim say that davening with a minyan with little kavanah (concentration) is superior to davening alone with much kavannah. In practice, failure to attend meetings is generally unsuccessful. If you are not going to use the 12 steps, what are you going to use? As pointed out, a mussar approach is very similar to the 12 steps.
Won't I learn worse things in the meetings?
As of today, b'h my only problem is mainly masturbation and porn, I am concerned of hearing people speak of their experiences with other women and I will get too many good ideas at the meetings and begin exploring those ideas. Also, I have heard that people attending the 12 steps sometimes get turned on by hearing other women talk about their sexual obsessions (I heard of a guy who hooked up with a women at the meeting, dunno if it's true), this concerns me too.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
There is indeed the risk of “crazy house romances.” Single gender meetings on sexual addiction is most advisable. There is also a risk of exploring the ideas one may hear.
There are deaths due to antibiotics or surgery, yet this risk does not stop people from availing themselves of the most effective medical treatment.
What if someone recognizes me?
I am afraid of being seen or recognized. Let's face it, disease or not, it's frowned upon and people (especially in the frum community) do judge. This is something I am willing and realize I need to compromise on but I would like to hear your perspective on this.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
The fear of being recognized is understandable, but the only people who will recognize you are those who have your problem. Your secret is their secret. It is highly unlikely that one will tell a friend “guess whom I saw at an SA meeting.”
Addictions are usually progressive. Physicians who resisted attending AA or NA meetings for fear of being recognized are almost invariably exposed when their loss of control leads to behavior that is a public disclosure in a far worse way. I believe this is also true of sexual addiction.
Should I let a girl know that her chosson is gay?
After being married for 2 years, I found gay hookup apps on my husband's phone. This was tremendously shocking and heartbreaking. I feel totally tricked (into marriage) and betrayed. Anyways, this other guy-friend, is also SSA and, in fact, had hooked up with my husband. He is now engaged, and my husband asked him if he is planning to tell his wife, he said, 'no way, never, don't ever mention it again.' I feel so bad for this girl, for what she is getting into, but on the other hand, I really do not want to ruin this guy's life or butt in. However, one day she is going to find out and be verrry verrry angry and her life will be ruined like mine is. Do you think I should say something?
Rabbi Twerski responds:
This requires a major posek. My reading of the Chafetz Chaim is that one is obligated to tell, because of 'Lo taamod al dam reacha,' but it takes a major posek to make that psak.
Rabbi Dovid Morgenstern (a major posek) responds:
I agree with Dr. Twerski that she is obligated to say, however, she should do so not out of hate but rather out of her concern and caring about the other girl. She just needs to say enough that the girl will know to ask more questions if she wants.
Do I have to tell my Chosson?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, We have a girl on our "women's forum" who was addicted to self-pleasuring and looking at inappropriate things on the internet. She never went farther than that B"H, and was a spiritual girl and top of her class in everything else. But she had this dark secret (I wonder how many "good" girls have these secrets today r"l)... Anyway, since she found our network almost a month ago, she has been clean and guarding her eyes very well. She doesn't even watch movies anymore at all. She's been very inspiring to us all, and to the other girls and women on the forum. Recently, she started going out with a good boy from a top Yeshiva, and she is afraid of telling him about her past "addiction". She sent me the following letter, and asked me if she has to tell her date - at the risk of not only losing a great Shidduch, but the word could even spread... I did not want to take responsibility for answering this question, and so I am passing it on to the Rav. I hope the Rav can guide us on this, because it is an issue that comes up often on our forum. Some of the guys on our forum are dating, at the same time as they are making a strong push for purity. What guidelines can we use for deciding if they have to tell their dates or not? What level of addiction is considered a "disease" (and should be told), and what level could be considered normal "teenage" struggles that most - or many - guys have?
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
There is an adage, "You're only as sick as your secrets." Revealing information that may ruin a shidduch is understandably very difficult, but keeping it secret creates a constant anxiety and a barrier to mutual trust and sincere communication. Marriages have enough problems without adding secrets.
In the case of alcohol or drug addiction, we generally tell people to avoid even getting into a relationship before one year of solid recovery and with the approval of one's sponsor. One month sobriety is hardly a beginning.
There are many variables. How long was the addiction? Does the person still have urges?
Whenever one decides to tell, one should say, "I must tell you something about myself, but it is with "Bal Tomar." You must promise not to tell it to anyone else.
Twerski
Her email to us a few days later:
HODU LA' HASHEM KI TOV!
Wow! I cannot even believe that last night happened!
From the beginning: He picked me up at 6:45. We went to a park- it was gorgeous. I felt like cinderella- willow trees and little bridges over lakes. We were having a great time and then he started discussing tachlis. deep and heavy hashkafa and life views. Everything was fine in that area. we sat down on a bench near the lake under the moonlight and with a black old fashioned lamp next to us. All of a sudden, HE starts discussing the internet and how bad it is. i knew that he didn't have any issues with it cuz he told me last time that he gave chizuk to another bochur about it and he felt so bad for him.
So i started thinking that i really trust him and that I'm never gonna have a better opportunity to bring it up. It was the right atmosphere, we were already discussing it, and I don't know- Hashem just gave me this feeling like it was a good time. so i took a deep breath and i said:
Me: so now i have something i want to discuss with you (he'd been bringing up the topics)
He: (smiles) yeah?
Me: ok, before I tell you I need you to promise me that you won't tell anyone, no matter what happens between us, ok?
He: Ok (listening seriously)
Me: I'm really nervous to tell you this. i had very big problems with the internet. i read things that i shouldn't have and watched things that were definitely inappropriate for me.
He: at home?
Me: yeah... not only... I don't want to go into details about it. Boruch Hashem, I got in touch with the Guardyoureyes website which really helped me out. This is a part of my past that i am not proud of and it was the darkest part of my life. This site helped me get over it and even set me up with other frum girls who are also dealing with this issue and we speak every day as sort of accountability partners. We tell each other what's going on, give each other chizuk, and make sure that we don't slip up or act out. Baruch hashem, it's a part of the past and funnily enough, this whole nisayon made me closer to Hashem. i davened so hard to get out of the situation and Hashem sent me help. I never told anyone this and i'm shaking that i'm telling you now.
He: you never told your parents?
Me: no way! They have no clue. but I trust you. I wanted to tell you and I didn't want to have any secrets between us.
He: you know, this is just like I was telling you the other night about that boy. doing a bad thing doesn't make you a bad person. even if you lose a battle, it's ok! we're fighting to win the war and we're up against such a powerful enemy. it's like a regular strong person fighting a world champion boxer! You should know that boys have this much harder.
Me: yeah, so I've heard
He: I'm happy that you told me and you shouldn't think for even one second that i think less of you for it. just the opposite! i'm really happy that you told me. Don't worry about it at all! ok? you are not lowered in my eyes even a drop! ok?
Me: I can't believe this. Thank you so much for being so understanding! it means so much to me! I'm smiling from ear to ear (and i was also on the verge of tears of happiness!)
The rest of the night is a happy blur...
Thank you Hashem! I felt You holding my hand the entire time and sitting next to me and hugging me tight like a little child in her parent's arms.
How can i ever thank you enough? no words can suffice to express my heartfelt gratitude. I'm crying with thanks and my heart is bursting with joy as the tears run down my cheeks. The sechar that you will get for this is not describable in mere human terms. I owe you my life, my happiness, and my relationship with this boy and Hashem!
May we share simchos together very soon!
Thank you!
Rabbi Twerski was impressed with how it turned out and responded:
I think this is a significant triumph. I would like to use this story as an example to show people how being truthful and not concealing secrets can succeed.
"You are reading the last gasp of a drowning soul"
http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/ModiaTwersk3.gif Rabbi Twerski read this young man's letter at a parlor meeting in 2010 and continued... (listen to his talk at 6:10 in this video)
I had nothing to answer him. Guardyoureyes wasn't around then. This was before GuardYourEyes time. If I get this letter tomorrow, or something like this, I have an answer to him. There are very few people to whom I can refer to, in terms of therapy. But even a good therapist in addiction can do nothing without a powerful support group. That's the nature of addiction. etc.
What Should We Tell Kids?
Dear Rabbi Twerski, There was a lively discussion on our forum recently about whether or not we should tell children how babies are born, and at what age, and how much to reveal, etc... Some people feel it is best to hide it for as long as possible (sometimes until the wedding). This saves the children from thinking about things they don't need to. Others hold that this approach is too dangerous because children will find out on their own in a worse way, and not get the Hadracha that parents could give. Also, they may end up not trusting their parents since they weren't told - or they were lied to about this issue all the years. We would be honored if the Rav could share his thoughts with us on this sensitive issue.
Rabbi Twerski Responds:
Just several months ago, Sara Diament M.A, wrote a booklet "Talking to Your Children About Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Parents." It is worth reading.
Twerski
Incidentally, Rabbi Twerski once suggested to me (as a parent) to read the book called "Building Self-Esteem in Children" by Patricia H. Berne. This is a wonderful book to help us ensure that we give our children what is perhaps the most important ingredient of all in a healthy upbringing: Self-Esteem. When children have a healthy self-esteem, they are also much less prone to addictions later on in life.