Possible articles to add

Coming to Terms with low Self-Esteem

Often, a major factor in the cycle of addiction is the perception of low self-esteem and shame that feeds on itself as a result of the acting out behaviors. These feelings of worthlessness lead to further falls, resulting in a destructive cycle. Rabbi Twerski often quipped that he didn't write tens of books, he just wrote one book about "Self-Esteem" in many different ways. In this eye opening article, Rabbi Twerski addresses the disorder of low self-esteem and gives us a peek into his own struggle with this issue.

Emotional disorders may be roughly classified into two groups. (1) Disorders thought to be primarily of biochemical origin, such as depression and related conditions. These are generally treated with psychotropic medications, and the results are often dramatic. (2) Disorders thought to be of psychological origin, which may not respond to medication, and whose treatment is primarily psychotherapy. Of course, there are hybrid cases where both factors are involved.

Psychotherapy may be prolonged. Typically, the therapist seeks to uncover experiences in the client's past which may have impacted on one's emotions. Using various techniques, the therapist tries to correct faulty impressions and undo their effect.

While the majority of clients are satisfied with the results of therapy, there is still an appreciable number who feel that the therapy leaves something to be desired. Although the primary symptoms were relieved, they may complain of a poorly defined residual uneasiness if not frank depression, which does not respond to anti-depression medication. This may affect domestic and social relations as well as education and occupation.

While the presenting symptoms may improve, it is clear that the client is still not back to 100% emotional health, and the therapist realizes that there is little more he can do. He may begin to think of the client as having a personality disorder, albeit not well-defined. I found myself diagnosing many clients as suffering from "low self-esteem." In 1978 I wrote a book, Like Yourself, and Others Will, Too, aimed at improving one's self concept.

Conventional wisdom is that low self-esteem is generally due to poor parenting, i.e., failure of the parents to show adequate appreciation of the child, or deprivation of love due to circumstances, such as parental absence or illness. There are a host of negative occurrences that can cause a child to lose faith in oneself. Therapy may be able to reinterpret traumatic events and build self-confidence.

I tried my utmost to help people overcome their low self-esteem, but I was only partially successful.

However, I had to come to terms with my own low self-esteem. The problem here was that I could not point to any factors which I could incriminate as causative. I had a wonderful childhood, and my parents were extremely loving and caring. In addition, I had a nanny, a childless woman who "adopted" me and saw to it that I lacked for nothing. The sun rose and set on me. I was bright and succeeded at everything I did. I was a chess champion at age eight. I was specially promoted several times and graduated high school at sixteen. I should have felt on top of the world.

Instead, I felt I was unlikable. I had to do things that would make people appreciate me. I became a "people-pleaser." I did some crazy things to gain attention. My sensitivity was extreme. When I gave sermons on Saturday, I was dependent on the accolades from the worshippers. If they were not forthcoming, I was crushed. But the approval and recognition I received from my accomplishments gave me only momentary relief.

I graduated medical school with honors. I became director of the psychiatric department of the hospital I wrote many books, but nothing changed. The feelings of unworthiness ate away at my guts. This was an enigma, and there was nothing I could do to shake off this feeling.

At about age sixty, I came across a novel interpretation of a verse in Psalms by Rav Simcha Zissel Ziev, a foremost mussar authority. Conventional wisdom is that the yetzer hara is a force created by Hashem to deter people from observing the Torah. The yetzer hara operates by tempting people to violate the Torah, and we must do battle all our lives to resist the wiles of the yetzer hara. Torah-observant people follow a life style of obedience to Hashem's dictates. One can rather easily identify the ideation wrought by the yetzer hara. When a person feels tempted to partake of non-kosher food, or to work on Shabbos, to steal, to have a forbidden relationship or to do anything that the Torah forbids, one can be aware that this is the work of the yetzer hara and one can utilize the Torah tools to resist it.

Rav Simcha Zissel addresses the verse in Tehillim (118:13) "Pushed, I was pushed to fall, but Hashem helped me". He comments that in addition to tempting a person to violate the Torah, the yetzer hara may delude a person to think poorly of oneself. There is an internal force inside of him that seeks to crush him by making him feel inferior and inadequate. This force is the yetzer hara. There is no frank violation of the Torah in this, and as with every delusion, one is taken-in by this false belief. A person may seek psychological help to improve his self-esteem, but the psychologist cannot counter the power of the yetzer hara.

A poor self-image is the source of many evils. Rabbeinu Yonah says that gaavah, the worst personality trait, is a defense against a poor self-image. The person creates grandiosity to counteract his low self-esteem (Rabbeinu Yonah Al haTorah). The desire to control others is also the same. Having power over others may reduce the feeling of inferiority, and this is responsible for many marriage problems. Some people lie to inflate their ego.

Both underachievement and overachievement maybe due to low self-esteem. The underachiever lacks self confidence and resigns oneself to failure. The over-achiever seeks to prove that she/he can excel. Any grade less than 100% is taken as evidence of one's inability to perform properly.

There is a paradox of low self-esteem. Highly gifted people may have a lower self-esteem than less-endowed people.

Rav Simcha Zissel's insight explains this phenomenon. A person with meager personality strengths is not going to be given a whopper of a yetzer hora, whereas someone with great assets may be given a more powerful challenge. Hence, the more capable person may actually have deeper feelings of inferiority.

Personal achievements may not eliminate the pain of a poor self-image. One industrialist who was a pillar of the community, confided, "One wall in my house is covered with tributes and plaques. They mean nothing to me."

Indeed, the suffering we experienced in the desert and with the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash have their origins in a poor self image. The spies of Moses said, "We saw giants in Canaan, and we felt as tiny as locusts, and that's how we appeared to them." The Chiddushei Harim said, "The way you feel about yourself is how you assume others perceive you."

Simcha is essential for true avodas Hashem. The yetzer hara scores a major triumph by making a person feel unworthy, which deprives one of simcha.

A psychotherapist can help you deal with those reality factors that are causative of low self-esteem, but he/she cannot help you in the battle with the yetzer hara. It is crucial that when you find yourself with feelings of unworthiness and inferiority that you remind yourself that this is the work of the yetzer hara to disable you. Use the sifre mussar to counteract this.

Always remember the words of the Talmud, "Beloved are the people of Israel, for they are described as the children of Hashem" (Pirkei Avos 3:18). The yetzer hara is at work 24-7-365 to make you forget this. Don't allow it to succeed. Pray to Hashem for His help in resisting the wile of the yetzer hara. Only intense tefilla can be effective.

The feelings of inferiority and inadequacy are a delusion wrought by the yetzer hara to disable a person. The first line of defense is to refuse to accept the yetzer hara's ideas. This is extremely difficult. I suggest comparing in to the "phantom limb" phenomenon.

A person who has had a leg amputated may complain of pain in his non-existing toes. He can see that he has no leg, but still feels the toes. It is essentially a hallucination and delusion. Some medications and treatments may help. Eventually the phenomenon disappears. It is most difficult to accept that he has no foot, even though he sees it.

When the yetzer hara causes the delusion of inferiority, it is very difficult to deny its reality. It takes a great deal of emunah to do so. If a person has sincere trust in someone, he can accept that someone's opinion that his feelings of inferiority are delusional. The verse that R' Simcha Zissl cites is the answer, "Pushed, I was pushed to fall, but Hashem helped me" - Hashem continuously does many good things for us, e.g. give us life, health, family, a roof over our heads, a job, etc. He sees each of us as worth having around and supporting. Intense tefilla, in which we must ask Hashem to help us see ourselves in the positive light that He sees us, is necessary.

A person may also have feelings of low self-esteem which are due to circumstances such as deprivation of love and failures. These may be overcome with psychological help. I addressed these in my books "Life's Too Short", and "Ten Steps to Being Your Best".

Possible articles to add to book:

http://torahweb.org/torah/2010/parsha/dtwe_shoftim.html

The human intellect can be ingenious in gratifying one’s cravings, and we must be on the alert for these self-deceptive mechanisms... Life is full of pitfalls, and the yetzer hara clouds our vision so that we do not see them. Again, Shlomo Hamelech says (Mishlei 1:17), “The bird that sees the bait does not realize that the net is a trap.” In my work treating addiction I regularly see people who were lured by the bait and did not consider the trap. Overlooking a trap, however, is not unique to an addict, which is why we all need the aforementioned advice of the wise.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2010/parsha/dtwe_balak.html

Balak: We are often victims of self-deception. When we have a desire to do something, the defense mechanisms in our subconscious minds can develop ingenious reasons why what we wish to do is right and proper. This is termed rationalization. We concoct logical reasons for what we wish to do and we believe them, and if criticized, we vigorously defend our mistakes.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2010/parsha/dtwe_behalos.html

Parshas B'haaloscha: When the Torah says, "Moshe heard the people weeping in their family groups "(ibid. 11:10), Rashi says they were weeping because the Torah forbids some intra-family marriages. That is why they were dissatisfied, but that is not what they said. They attributed their dissatisfaction to the manna. Moshe's attitude was, "Let them be truthful and tell me what it is that they want, and I can deal with it. But if what they really want is to lift the restrictions against intra-family marriages, but they don't admit it, how can I deal with them? If I give them all the meat in the world and all the fish in the sea, they will still not be satisfied, because that is not what they want."

http://torahweb.org/torah/special/2009/dtwe_reality.html

So, Descartes tells us that we may all be hallucinating, and Rebbe Yeruchem says that we all live one massive delusion. Whereas we need not live our lives according to Descartes' philosophy, Rebbe Yeruchem says that we must free ourselves of Satan's delusion. The only true reality is what Torah says is true. Everything else is delusional.

Ramchal in Mesilas Yesharim says that we were placed in a world replete with nisyonos (trials and tests). Rebbe Yeruchem says that accepting what Torah says as the true reality and resisting the Satanic delusion is the nisayon with which we are all tested.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2009/parsha/dtwe_chayey.html

Many relationships begin with two people falling in love. While this seems to be perfectly logical, listen to what George Bernard Shaw said: "When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most illusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part." Even if they do not take a formal oath to that effect, they probably believe that their passion will be eternal.http://torahweb.org/torah/special/2006/dtwe_materialism.html

The frum world is suffering its share of casualties from the influence of the prevailing hedonism in our environment. This is partially responsible for the unprecedented numbers of failed marriages, with either spouse (or both) feeling that the relationship is not providing the gratification they desire. While marriage should indeed be a source of mutual gratification, the basis and goal of marriage should be spiritual, as is indicated by the very first berachah after the couple is joined in wedlock, shehakol bara lichvodo, that all creation is to bring greater glory to Hashem, and that should be the primary goal of the marriage.

Young people mimic the adult population. The number of young people who seek the high of alcohol or drugs are seeking the pleasure in life to which they feel entitled. Both young and old are increasingly falling victim to compulsive gambling, seeking the thrill, but ending up with catastrophic debts and frank criminal acts to support their gambling. And both young and old fall into the trap of internet addiction, whether to constantly surfing the web, playing video games, or indulging in pornography.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2009/moadim/dtwe_15av.html

The message of Tu b'Av makes it the greatest of all yamim tovim. "Charm is false and beauty is empty; the woman who fears Hashem is praised." When a relationship is based primarily on personal gratification, it is "false and empty," void of the ingredients that can make it an enduring and happy marriage.

http://torahweb.org/torah/special/2009/dtwe_histapkus.html

The message of consumerism is that "without this, you cannot be happy." Falling prey to consumerism is dangerously similar to the bottomless pit of drug addiction, where there is never any gratification that endures for more than minutes. Indeed, many youngsters, even youngsters from frum families, who have fallen into the trap of drugs were looking for the happiness of which consumerism convinced them they had been deprived.

http://torahweb.org/torah/2009/parsha/dtwe_nitzavim.html

Having treated thousands of alcohol and drug addicts, the answer became obvious. In active addiction, the person pursues the object of his addiction with a ferocity that is unparalleled. He will do anything to attain what he feels is the greatest good in life, although it is in fact the greatest curse. One recovered addict said, "The worst day of my recovery is far better than the best day of my addiction." However, the desire for the chemical blinds the addict to reality.

Whereas the lethality of chemicals is obvious to the non-addict, there are other desires that are no less lethal, but their toxicity is more subtle. The Talmud says, "Jealously, lust and glory remove a person from the world" (Ethics of the Fathers 4:28). "Remove a person from the world" should be taken literally. These are insatiable drives, and unless a person puts firm limits and tight restraints on them, their pursuit may take one's life. Yet so many people pursue these drives, as deluded as the addict that they will bring one happiness. Yes, there may be momentary pleasures in gratifying these drives, just as the addict has a fleeting "high" from his chemical, but the long term result is anything but happy.

(Torahweb.org)