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Yiddishkeit and 12 Steps: The Rabbi's Opinion

Rabbi Twerski once mentioned to me that it's not uncommon to hear of people who experience a decline in their religious observance as a result of their participation in 12-Step meetings. He wanted to address this phenomenon and sent me an article on the topic, along with some Q&A. Parts of the Q&A were published in his book "Teshuvah Through Recovery".

A number of people have raised the issue of the relationship of the 12-step program to Yiddishkeit. Some have indicated that they were “frum” during their active addiction but that they dropped their Yiddishkeit during the program. In order to address these issues, I think I must tell you something about myself. I think that problems may arise because of distortions about both Yiddishkeit and the 12-steps. I gave some autobiography in “Generation to Generation” and in “Gevuros”.

I was born into a Chassidic family. My father was a Rebbe in Milwaukee. Our shul was comprised primarily of first-generation Russian immigrants. Having not had any secular education in Russia, and not having access to the professions, they wanted to give their children what they lacked. Consequently, they gave their children a secular education and essentially neglected teaching them Yiddishkeit. I did not have a single Shomer Shabbos friend. My friends were the people in shul, all older than 50. They were wonderful people, sincere in their Yiddishkeit.

I heard many stories about my ancestry, great Talmudic scholars and tzaddikim. These were the models I had to live up to.

I thoroughly enjoyed Yiddishkeit. Shabbos and Yom Tov were delights. I never felt the restrictions of Torah to be a stress. Although I was taught that there was a punishment for aveiros (sins), I never thought that G-d was punitive. Even as a youngster, I felt that the punishment was inherent in the sin. If you put your hand in the fire, the natural consequence was a burn, not a punishment. Sins were detrimental to a person, and the painful consequence of a sin was in the act itself, not a punishment. Yes, G-d may punish, just like a loving father may have to spank a two-year old for running into the street, because the child cannot understand the danger involved. Our intellect, even as mature adults, is limited. We may not be able to understand what is wrong with mixing meat and dairy.

G-d has no needs. The Midrash says that it makes no difference to G-d how an animal is slaughtered. The laws of shechita and all other Torah laws are for the benefit of man, not of G-d. But our limited intellect may not be able to understand why tereife food is harmful to us, and in this respect, we are similar to the two-year old who cannot understand why he cannot run into the street to retrieve his ball, so we have to be warned with a “spanking.” If we can reach the understanding that the Torah laws are not for G-d’s benefit but for our own advantage, we need not worry about punishment.

Fast-forward to age 21, when I became a rabbi in my father’s shul. Some of the old crowd had passed on. Many of the congregants had warm feelings about Yiddishkeit but were not observant. They had their children Bar-mitzvah, followed by a celebration in a treife hotel. I performed weddings which were followed by treife dinners. After three years of this, I knew I could not take this for life, and went to medical school, followed by psychiatric training.

I took the position as medical director of a huge psychiatric hospital, which had a 30-bed alcohol detox unit, better known as the “drunk tank.” Drunks were dried out for several days and were told to go to AA, which very few did, so we ended up being a revolving-door drunk tank.

In my book, “From Pulpit to Couch,”  I related how I got to AA. Here is the story:

My Teacher, Isabel

I learned many things at meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Inasmuch as I never drank, why did I attend meetings of AA? Here’s how it happened.

I was in my second year of psychiatric training when I received a call from the psych emergency room. A woman said she had to see a psychiatrist promptly and could not wait for an appointment.

Isabel was sixty-one. She was one of three daughters of an Episcopalian priest. Isabel began drinking late in adolescence, and at twenty she was into very heavy drinking. She married and had a child. When the child was three, her husband said, “Make your choice. It’s either the booze or the family.” “I knew I could not stop drinking,” Isabel said, “and I wasn’t much of a wife or mother. It was only decent to give him the divorce he asked for.”

At sixty-one, Isabel was attractive, and she must have been stunning at twenty-eight. Free and unattached, she began serving as an escort to some of Pittsburgh’s social elite. She had a beautiful apartment, the latest in fashions, and all the alcohol she wanted.

After five years, the alcohol began to cause behavioral changes that made Isabel undesirable company for her clientele. She then began serving a lower socio-economic clientele, and very rapidly deteriorated. She was soon living in flea-bag hotels and prostituting.

Every so often, Isabel was found passed-out and taken to a hospital for detoxification. She attended the AA meeting in the hospital, and upon discharge promptly resumed drinking. When I assumed the position as director of psychiatry at St. Francis Hospital, I looked up Isabel’s record. Between 1938 and 1956, Isabel had been detoxed at this hospital 59 times! At another hospital that offered detox she had 22 admissions. I was unable to get any information from other hospitals where she had undergone detoxification.

Isabel’s family was horrified by her behavior and disowned her. Her phone calls to her sisters were answered with a brusque, “Don’t you dare call me again” and a hang-up.

In 1956, Isabel approached a lawyer who had helped her out of some alcohol-related jams. “David, I need a favor,” she said.

“Good God!” the lawyer said. “Not again! What did you do this time?”

“I’m not in any trouble,” Isabel said. “I want you to put me away in the state hospital for a year.”

At that time Pennsylvania statutes had an Inebriate Act, under which a chronic alcoholic could be committed to a state hospital for “a year and one day.” This law had been used by families who wanted to get a chronic alcoholic out of their hair. No alcoholic had ever asked to be put away for a year

“You don’t know what you’re asking for,” the lawyer said. “You’re crazy.” “If I’m crazy, I really belong in the state hospital,” Isabel said.

Isabel continued to press her request, and the lawyer finally took her before the judge and had her committed to the state hospital.

After a year of sobriety, Isabel left the state hospital and promptly went to an AA meeting. Someone gave her a few nights of shelter, and she soon found a job as a housekeeper for a nationally renowned physician.

The doctor was retired and was a chronic alcoholic. Many times Isabel had to lift him off the floor and put him in bed. He sat on the board of several foundations and was periodically called to testify at Senate hearings. Isabel would receive a call from the doctor’s children, “Dad has to be in Washington in two weeks. Get him into shape.” Isabel would detox the doctor, get him a haircut and shave, and put him on the plane to Washington. “Now don’t you drink on the plane or in Washington,” she said. “When you come back tomorrow, I’ll be waiting for you with a bottle.” The doctor obeyed like a well-trained puppy.

I had never heard anything like this before. My first career was as a rabbi, and seminary did not teach me anything about alcoholism. Medical school was no better. I learned much about some rare diseases but nothing about the most common disease a doctor encounters. In my psychiatric training I was learning much about mental illnesses, but alcohol and drugs were never mentioned.

I was so fascinated by Isabel’s story that I neglected to ask her what was the acute emergency. As a fledgling psychiatrist, I knew that there had to be motivation for a person to seek help. What could possibly have motivated Isabel to take so drastic a measure, to put herself into a state mental hospital for a year by a court order? I had to discover her reason, so I told her to come back in a week for another session.

In the next session I heard some more interesting stories. Inasmuch as I did not have a clue about her motivation, I had her come back the following week. To make a long story short, I saw Isabel once a week for thirteen years. One night, at age seventy-four, she died peacefully in her sleep.

I was curious how she was managing to stay sober. It was obvious to me that medicine and psychiatry had no effective treatment for alcoholism. What was her secret?

“I go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous,” she said. In 1961, none of the celebrities had revealed that they were recovering alcoholics. Few people outside of AA knew anything about it.

“What happens at these meetings?” I asked. “”Who provides the treatment?

“We have speakers' meetings and discussion meetings, and we share our experiences,” Isabel said.

“Do you have psychiatrists or psychologists there?” I asked.

Isabel said, “There is one psychologist who shows up occasionally, but he’s still drunk most of the time.”

“Look, Isabel,” I said. “Some kind of treatment must be going on at these meetings if they are keeping you sober. Can I come and see for myself?”

“Sure,” Isabel said. That week she took me to my first AA meeting.

The first thing that struck me at the meeting was that there was no stratification. Everyone was equal. No one could become president of the organization, and furthermore, money could not buy any special privileges.

As a rabbi, part of my job was to raise funds to cover the annual budget. Money came from the congregates’ donations. People of lesser means made smaller contributions, and wealthier people made substantial contributions. I liked everyone equally, but I had to handle the large donors with silk gloves. I could not risk offending them, lest they leave for another congregation. Wealthy congregates received special treatment.

It is said that “Before God, everyone is equal.” God can afford to treat everyone equally. He doesn’t have to make mortgage payments each month. I did.

Any organization that is dependent on contributions is in the same situation. People with money or political clout are given preferential treatment. What impressed me about AA was that once people entered the room, everyone was equal. The rich received no special attention. Sometimes a poor person was in the position to help a wealthy person. Nor did academic status count. A fifth grade drop-out and a PhD were treated equally. I had never encountered anything like this!

Here is an example of AA’s independence. I received a call from a man who said that he wanted to make a contribution of $10,000 to AA in memory of his late sister, who had enjoyed fourteen years of sobriety with the help of AA. He asked me where to send the check.

I called several people in AA, and when no one could help me, I called the AA central office. “Don’t send the check here,” they said. “We can’t do anything with it.”

“Then how can this man make a contribution?” I asked.

“He can cash the check at the bank and go to a meeting. When they pass the basket, he can put the money in.”

“You want him to put $10,000 in cash in the basket?” I asked.

“Yes,” was the answer. “But if he’s not in the program, they might return it to him.”

Never before and never since have I come across an organization that refuses donations.

My fascination with AA brought me back to more meetings. As I became familiar with the twelve steps for recovery, I concluded that they were a formula for mature, responsible living. There was nothing unique about alcoholics that made the twelve steps specific for them. I found that virtually every character defect that can be found in alcoholics can also be found in non-alcoholics, albeit they may be less pronounced. The twelve steps were a way for proper living, and I could apply them to myself.

So began my involvement with AA. I have attended meetings in many cities in the United States and in many countries I have visited. I can find friends in a community where I do not know a single person.

I would like to share with you what I have learned from AA. In case you happen to be a recovering person who thinks that all AA can do is keep you from drinking, you are missing out on a great deal of valuable knowledge.

What about the secret of Isabel’s motivation to put herself into a state hospital? I never did solve that mystery in the thirteen years of therapy. I was left to my own devices to guess at it, and here is what I think.

Do you know how a volcano is formed? Deep down at the core of the earth, there is melted rock that is under extreme pressure. Over many centuries, this lava slowly makes its way through fissures in the earth’s crust to the surface. Once it breaks through the surface, the lava erupts.

I believe that at the core of every human being there is a nucleus of self-respect and dignity. For a variety of reasons, this nucleus may be concealed and suppressed. Like the lava, it seeks to break through the surface and be recognized. Once it breaks through into a person’s awareness, one may feel, “I am too good to be acting this way. This behavior is beneath my dignity.” I think this is the “spiritual awakening” to which the twelfth step refers.

I think that this is what happened to Isabel. For years she had been blind to her self-worth and saw nothing wrong with her alcoholic behavior. Then one day, the nucleus of self-respect that had been buried deep within her broke through the surface, and she realized that she had no right to demean herself.

Why the state hospital? Let me share a personal experience.

I do most of my writing early in the morning when my mind is rested. One time the publisher told me that they were moving up the publishing date and that I had to complete the book sooner. That meant that I had to get up an hour earlier.

I set my alarm clock for 4:30. When it rang, I did what most people would do: I turned it off for just five minutes more of sleep. Of course, I woke up two hours later.

Several months later, I had to deliver a lecture in Washington, D.C. at 10 AM, which required my taking a 7 AM flight. To make this flight I had to be up at 5 AM. I set the alarm clock for 5 AM, but remembering my tendency to turn it off for “just five minutes” more of sleep, I realized that I might miss my flight. I took the alarm clock off the night stand and set it in the far corner of the room so that I could not turn it off from the bed. The next morning I awoke at 5 AM and walked across the room to turn off the alarm. I was then able to stay awake and make the flight.

On both occasions I had an awakening. The first awakening did not last long, because I went back to sleep. The second time I did something to avoid going right back to sleep. I made the awakening last.

Some people may have a spiritual awakening, but it does not last. Isabel knew that unless she took some measure to make her awakening last, she was likely to revert to drinking. The only way she knew to keep her awakening alive was to put herself out of reach of alcohol for an extended period of time. The state hospital was her only option.

I am indebted to Isabel for bringing me to the twelve step programs. What was the crisis that brought her to the emergency room that day? There was no crisis. Why then did she seek an emergency appointment just on the day I was on emergency duty? Perhaps she was sent there to introduce me to AA. But who could have sent her? Your guess is as good as mine.

Realizing that just drying-out someone was not enough and that few people after detox went to AA, I militated for a rehab, and together with St. Francis Hospital, we opened Gateway Rehab Center in 1972.

Addiction is a disease and treatment is necessary to bring a person to health. The 12-step program can bring a person to health. But is it enough to be just healthy? Yiddishkeit teaches that a person must have a purpose in life. Addiction makes it impossible to reach a purpose, but overcoming the addiction is not an ultimate purpose in life. If a person has a serious physical illness, he certainly must be treated, but if he recovers, is that all there is to life?

Yiddishkeit teaches that a person has a mission in life. The first chapter in Mesilas Yesharim (Path of the Just) is “Man’s Obligation in His World.”

Having studied much mussar, I felt that Bill Wilson plagiarized mussar in developing the 12-step program. In my book, Self Improvement? I’m Jewish, I show the essential identity of the 12-steps and mussar.

Why is it that some “frum” people, even if they were well-versed in Torah and mussar fell into the trap of addiction and recovered with the 12-step program, whereas mussar did not help them? I think the answer is simple. A person who is sincere in recovery leaves a 12-step meeting with the knowledge and feeling, “If I deviate from this program, I will die.” In our davening we say, “ki heim chayenu” that Torah and mitzvos are our very life, but while we say this, I doubt that many people actually feel, “If I deviate from mussar, I will die.”

An example: An alcoholic came to rehab because his employer gave him a last chance: one more drunk and he’s fired. He was deathly afraid of losing his job. He attended AA regularly. When he was 8 months sober, he called me in a panic. He had attended a friend’s daughter’s graduation party, and the friend offered him a drink, which he refused, but did accept a glass of punch. After one swallow he realized that the punch was spiked. He called me in a panic. “What should I do, Doc? I accidentally swallowed some alcohol. Should I put myself in the hospital? I’m afraid I’ll end up in a drunk!” I told him to call his sponsor and get to a meeting.

Now let’s look at this case. A frum person has been enjoying a particular candy bar for years. This time, he was playing around with the wrapper and noticed that the hechsher symbol was gone. If the hechsher was removed, it was because they had added a non-kosher ingredient. He feels badly that he might have eaten something non-kosher, but does he call his rabbi in a panic? “Rabbi, I think I might have eaten something treife! What should I do? I’m afraid that this might lead me to eating pork on Yom Kippur!” You see, the addict knows that even an accidental slip can be fatal. The frum person may have learned that “sin begets sin,” but does not believe it the way a recovering addict does.

A recovering person may find the conviction in the 12-step program to be more intense and have greater sincerity than he experienced in Yiddishkeit. The response to this should not be to relinquish Yiddishkeit, but rather to increase his knowledge and understanding of Yiddishkeit, and to practice it with feeling rather than as routine.

The Malady of “Selfism”

In working with members of GuardYourEyes through our 12-Step phone conferences and discussions on the forums, I came to see that the 12-Step program addresses the root of all addictions, which is really a malady of self-centeredness. I had an idea to start a website, which I called stepstoliving.org, which would help people share support in using the 12-Step program to address whatever issues they were struggling with. I asked Rabbi Twerski if he would be willing to write an article for the website on how the program addresses the self-centeredness of the addict, and he graciously agreed. This is the essay he wrote:

In 1961, to prepare myself for treating alcoholics, I began attending meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was impressed that people who followed the 12-step program were able to make radical changes in themselves. Some had been involved in psychotherapy to no avail. Some had suffered loss of their marriage and family. Some had lost jobs. Some had been arrested and even imprisoned for drunk driving and other antisocial behavior. Some had sustained serious physical deterioration, and some had experienced all of the above, but none of these drastic consequences had been able to curtail their use of alcohol. Yet, when they participated in the 12-step program, they were able to stop the destructive drinking. I met alcoholics who had been sober for fifty years.

One speaker at an AA meeting, who was celebrating his thirty-fifth anniversary of sobriety, said, “The man I once was, drank; and the man I once was, will drink again.”  In this single sentence he summed up the reason for the success of the 12-step program: It brings about a change in character.

It is of interest that Rambam makes the identical statement about teshuvah. “I am no longer the same person who committed the sin.” Remorse for committing the sin is not yet teshuvah. Promising never to repeat the sin, even a sincere promise, is not yet teshuvah. Teshuvah is becoming a different person than the one who committed the sin (Teshuvah 2:4).

I found myself being very comfortable at AA meetings and with the discussions of the twelve steps, and I realized that the latter were essentially identical with the mussar that I had been learning for years. I wrote a book, Self-Improvement? I’m Jewish! in which I said that if I had to develop a program for recovery from alcoholism based on mussar, it would be word for word the twelve steps. The mystery was, how did Bill Wilson, the founder of AA, have access to the works of mussar?

But then a strange thing happened. I began to get clients for treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction, who were very frum, some even Torah scholars who could quote Mesilas Yesharim verbatim. Yet, their knowledge of mussar did not preclude their becoming addicted to alcohol and drugs, but when they joined AA and worked the 12-step program, they recovered. Inasmuch as the 12-step; program is virtually identical to mussar, why did the program work whereas mussar was ineffective?

I came to the conclusion that an alcoholic or drug addict does not come into recovery until they reach a crisis. They are at a point of ein bereira; i.e., they have no choice. They are at a point where continuing to drink or use drugs will kill them. Following the twelve steps is a matter of life and death. They have witnessed people die who did not follow the program.

I realized then that although we say of Torah, ki heim chayeinu, that Torah is our very life, it is often unfortunately lip service. The addict knows for real that failure to follow the program is a death sentence. The student of mussar values it highly and respects its principles and teachings, but generally does not feel that deviating from mussar is a death sentence. If he did, he would never again lie, speak or listen to lashon hara, or do anything else that mussar forbids.

I began to learn mussar with a different attitude. I understood what Rebbe Yisrael Salanter meant when he said that one must learn mussar with hispaalus, with an emotional upheaval.

Having seen how effective the 12-step program is in achieving significant character improvement, I decided to work the program as if I was an alcoholic. However, one of the requirements of the program is that one have a “sponsor,” a person with years of recovery to be one’s guide, I found it difficult to get a sponsor because I did not drink. Eventually, I was able to get a person with over thirty years of recovery to be my sponsor.

The fourth of the twelve steps is to “make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” When I submitted my inventory to my sponsor, he returned it with the instruction to redo it and be more honest.  My second submission met with the same response. The third submission was returned with the comment, “I asked for an inventory and you gave me a chimney sweep. An inventory should list both one’s liabilities and one’s assets. You listed all your character defects and the mistakes you made. You did not list any of your positives. Isn’t there anything good about you?  Do it again, and this time list your personality strengths and the good things you have done.”

Strangely, this was more difficult than listing my faults.

It took me eighteen months to complete my inventory to my sponsor’s satisfaction. By this time, I had achieved a self-knowledge that was more thorough than had I been on a psychoanalyst’s couch four times a week for three years.

When I later learned Alei Shur, I found that Rebbe Shlomo Walbe put great emphasis on a thorough self-awareness, and dedicated an entire section in volume one (pp. 131-198) to this subject. “A person who does not know oneself cannot be at peace with oneself, When he attempts to learn Torah, his drives and traits will not allow him to learn and act wholesomely” (p.131).

The success of AA led to the development of a number of 12-step programs, among them, NA (Narcotics Anonymous), GA (Gamblers Anonymous), OA (Overeaters Anonymous), SA (for sex addiction). Most of these programs have a companion program for the family members of the addict, such as Al-Anon family groups.

During my more than forty years of psychiatric practice, I dealt with a variety of problems in addition to addiction. There were some mood disorders that were of physiologic causation, that were treated with medication. There were many cases of emotional difficulties that I found were due to a faulty self-awareness, with unwarranted feeling of inferiority resulting in low self-esteem.

I believe that many psychological problems are due to “selfism,” to a person seeing oneself as being the center of the universe, that one has not received all that is due him/her. Many marriage problems, family problems, social problems an simply dissatisfaction with one’s life are due to the frustration resulting from selfism. Indeed, when Moses said, “I stood between Hashem and you” (Devarim 5:5), the commentaries say that this means that the “I,” the ego, is the barrier between man and Hashem. All the works of mussar and chassidus stress the importance of bittul, of self-effacement. The latter cannot be achieved in absence of an accurate self-knowledge. Indeed, Rabeinu Yonah says that ga’avah (grandiosity) is a defense against feelings of inferiority (Rabeinu Yonah al HaTorah p. 156).

Selfism is a destructive attitude. Rebbe Chaim Vital says that one should be more meticulous about middos (character traits ) than even the positive and negative commandments (Shaar  Hakedusha 2). Selfism is a most destructive character trait.

The society we live in is “selfist.” People are overwhelmingly motivated by pleasure-seeking, as though pleasure can provide happiness. In such an environment, overcoming selfism is a major challenge.

The 12-step program has been proven to be effective in overcoming some very difficult attitudes and behaviors. The 12-step program can be applied to overcome selfism, which would eliminate many psychological problems and enable people to achieve a true, enduring happiness.

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Step One

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

There is much significance in the very first word of Step One: “We.” It is “We admitted,” not “I admitted.” The very first step is eliminating the “I,” effacing and humbling oneself. That is the beginning of recovery. Bill Wilson said that “alcoholism is self-will run riot.” Recovery must begin with the willingness to set the “self” aside.

It is well known that if an alcoholic stops drinking because of liver disease or fear of any other consequences, he is referred to as a “dry drunk.” While

cessation of drinking is, of course, important, the personality has not undergone any change, and the alcoholic’s behavior may be just as intolerable as when he was drinking. The “self-will,” which was manifest during the active drinking continues to dominate his behavior, to everyone’s chagrin.

Clancy, a recovering alcoholic with fifty years of sobriety, stated it succinctly. “My problem wasn’t alcohol. It was alcoholism, and when the alcohol was gone, the ism remained.”

The “ism” is the self-will. Unless the alcoholic is willing to relinquish the centrality of the “I,” admission of powerlessness and unmanageability is not feasible. This is why beginning recovery must be with “we” rather than “I.”

A neurosurgeon came to the physician’s recovery group, very angry. He had been ordered into treatment because he showed up in the Emergency Room under the influence of alcohol. This was in December. “There are parties all over the place. Why can’t I have a drink to celebrate the holiday? I can control my drinking”

A physician with several years of recovery remarked, “When I realized that I couldn’t control alcohol, it was a great relief. I had tried all kinds of ways to control my drinking, but none of them worked. Now I am a free person. I don’t have to fight a losing battle any more.”

Admitting powerlessness is a victory, not a defeat .

Step Two

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

At an AA meeting in Jerusalem, one man said, “When I first came to this meeting and heard something about G-d, I walked out. I’m an atheist and I don’t want anything to do with a G-d-program.

“I came back a year later because I needed help. I told the group, ‘I’ll do anything you say, but just don’t push G-d on me.’ The group agreed, and told me that I had to get a sponsor.

“When the sponsor said that I have to pray every day, I told him that the group agreed not to push G-d on me. The sponsor said, ‘OK, don’t pray to G-d. Just pray.’ That made no sense. What do you mean, ‘Don’t pray to G-d, just pray?’ T he sponsor said, ‘Look, do you want to get sober or do you want to stay drunk? If you want to get sober, you have to pray.’

“I am now seven years sober. I don’t believe in G-d. I pray every day, because when I pray, it reminds me that I am not G-d!”

The selfist alcoholic cannot accept G-d because he believes himself to be G-d, omniscient and omnipotent. When he accepts powerlessness, he admits that he is not G-d.

Step Three

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of G-d as we understood Him.

In Step One we admitted that we had lost control over our lives. Our “self-will run riot” resulted in wholesale destruction—marriage, family, job, friends, social status. We could no longer run our lives, because our compass had gone crazy, and would lead us only to further disaster.

At one AA meeting, the speaker was an accomplished psychoanalyst, who said, “All my psychological knowledge and treatment did not prevent alcohol from ruining my life. In desperation, I called AA. I was sitting in my kitchen, slumped over a cup of coffee, when this huge woman appeared in the doorway. ‘Did you call for help?’ she said. “I said, “Yes. Can you help me?” She said, “I will, if you’ll listen.” At that point, I, a training analyst, turned my life over to a fifth-grade dropout, who became my savior. After a brief talk, she said, “Go to the phone and cancel all your patients. You’re crazy!” I did just that.

“I became totally dependent on her. I called her several times a day, asking what I should two. After two weeks, she told me she was going to Memphis to a niece’s wedding, and I panicked. “What can I do if I can’t reach you? How will I know what to do?” She said, “Go out and ask someone on the street. Their judgment is going to be better than yours.”

“She was right. Alcohol had totally warped my judgment. Anyone’s judgment would be better than mine.”

Coming to the realization how unreliable our thinking is, we realized that only a power greater than us could lead us out of this mess. If you’re religious, that Power could be G-d. If you don’t believe in G-d, then let someone else decide for you until your mind returns to normal.

Step Four

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step Five

We admitted to G-d, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

The concept “Know thyself” has been attributed to a number of the ancient Greek philosophers. In Alei Shur, Rabbi Shlomo Walbe contends that the Torah requirement for self-knowledge antedated Greek philosophy.

The importance of a valid self-knowledge should be immediately evident. If a person has an erroneous perception of reality, one cannot have an optimal adjustment to reality. It makes little difference what the nature of the error is. A poverty stricken person who has the delusion that he is a multibillionaire or the psychotic who cannot be budged from his conviction that he is president of the World Bank cannot live a normal, healthy life. This is equally true of a bright, handsome, gifted, personable person who thinks himself to be dull, ugly and devoid of any skills or talents. A person who thinks himself to be inferior believes that everyone who looks at him sees him as the worthless person he thinks himself to be. One who functions under this delusion cannot make an optimal adjustment to life.

Earlier, I related how doing the fourth step enabled me to achieve a correct self-awareness. I pointed out that my sponsor was not satisfied with my first attempts at an inventory, because I only listed my character defects and the mistakes I had made. He instructed me to describe my character strengths and the good things I had done, but that I found this difficult.

We then went over the mistakes I had made. My sponsor said, “If that situation occurred today, what would you do?” I said, “I certainly would not act as I did then.” He said, “Oh, then it was a learning experience. A learning experience is a positive, not a negative.” Eventually, all my inventory was positive.

Why should a person have trouble being aware of one’s strengths? Perhaps it is because if you are aware of your potential, you may feel obligated to live up to it, and if you do not actualize your potential, you may feel guilty. It may be more comfortable to be unaware of your skills, talents, and strengths. A person may justify his indolence by thinking that he is not capable of doing what he should.

Rebbe Zusia of Anipole was hurrying along his way when a man shouted to him, “Hey, come here and help me set this wagon up straight.” Rebbe Zusia, said, “I’m not able to.” The man said, “Sure, you are able to. You just don’t want to.” Rebbe Zusia said that this was like a message from heaven. Whenever you think you cannot do something, think again. It may be that you just don’t want to do it.

It is well known that the hallmark of addiction is  denial. This refers not only to the denial of the addictive behavior, but also to the denial of who one is in reality.

In my book “The Thin You Within You”, I said that the person that one really is, will not overeat. However, if one imagines oneself to be something else, this imaginary person is insatiable. No matter how much food this imaginary person is given is not enough. This applies to all addictions. The real person does not have an endless desire. It is because one believes oneself to be something else than one is in reality that the person is like a bottomless pit, that can never be satisfied.

One recovering addict said, “I never had a desire for drugs. My body wanted drugs , but not me.” This is a wise statement. If all we are is a body, or as science says, homo sapiens, a baboon with intellect, we are at risk of becoming addicted. If we recognize who the “real me” is, we are less likely to become addicted.

The problem with selfism is that we have no idea who the real self is. The bogus “self” that we think ourselves to be may be insatiable in many ways .

Having made a searching and fearless moral inventory, the program requires that we admit it to Hashem and to another human being. Rebbe Elimelech of Lizensk says that when you verbalize the wrongs that you’ve done, it breaks their hold on you. Furthermore, if you know that you will eventually have to reveal your actions to someone, that may restrain you from doing something wrong.

Questions About the 12-Step Program (Oct 2008)

How does the 12-Step program coincide with me being frum?

I fail to understand how the program coincides with me being frum, let me explain, when I overcome any type yetzer hora I  become closer to hashem and gain schar in olam haba, the same is true when working on my middos and definitely with fighting my sexual desires. I am not working on my sexual addiction purely as a physiological problem as a non-jew would but also as a frum Jew trying to do hashem's will.  When working with the 12 step program, especially if I end up hooking up with a non Jewish sponsor, I will not be working on my problem as a Jew.  I feel it's like if I were having a problem with my emunah in hashem or my davening needed chizuk and I went to a Christian support group giving chizuk in our belief in god and praying but we would be discussing two separate gods (me as Jew and they as christians).

Years ago, a person in recovery requested that I develop a recovery program based on our sifrei mussar. I wrote the book "Self Improvement? I’m Jewish!", which is such a program. At the end of the book I say, “Now turn the page and read the 12 steps.” The two are essentially identical. However, instead of the phrase “G-d, as I understand Him” we would say Hashem.

A non-Jewish sponsor can guide you through working the steps, but any issue involving Yiddishkeit should be taken up with a Rav who understands the 12 step program. The sponsor is not providing chizuk in emunah, but may show you how to put your emunah to use. In JACS there are a number of haredi Jews who have no problem following the 12 step program. Obviously, in forming a circle, one should not hold hands with a woman. One can station oneself between two men.

• I have attended many mussar shiurim. Everybody understands the importance of mussar, but I doubt if many people walk away with the feeling, "If I deviate from this, I'm dead!" A person sincere in recovery realizes that his very life depends on following the program, not theoretically, but very practically. If people would accept mussar that way, it would work.
• No one in any mussar shiur I attended has ever spoken up and said, "I tried to do things my way, and I fell right back into my old ways." That helps bring home the message that one's life depends on following the program.
• I don't recall anyone in a mussar shiur being so touched that they began to cry. It happens often in the 12 step program.
• No one in a mussar shiur shares strength, hope and courage.

These things are what makes the difference.

Why can't I find a single mussar sefer that talks about addiction?

Why can't I find a single mussar sefer that talks about the concept of addiction? Yes, you will probably find certain ideas in seforim that match the concept of the 12 steps and maybe even addiction, but the idea of being struck with a disease is clearly just not out there in mussar seforim. Chaza"l understood the human mind and the yetzer hora much better then any psychologist but the seforim only talk about the old fashion way of just not doing aveiros and holding yourself back, there are no 12 steps, diseases, methods etc. in the words of chazal. I heard you talk about the fact that you found all of the 12 steps in Sharie Teshuva and the Rambam on the phone conference and I actually looked them up but they definitely do not clearly give you these as tools and don't mention the concept of addiction. It really bothers me that as a frum Jew, I can't find salvation in the torah but have to turn to modern psychology for new ideas and the 12 step program, a concept indirectly (or directly) related to Christianity as if Judaism does not cater to this type or strength of a yetzer hora.

In my meager knowledge of the sifrei mussar, I have not found a structured method on addiction, although the principles are all there.

I surmise that the widespread addictive use of drugs did not exist when the sifrei mussar  were written. Actually, the epidemic of drug use in the secular world is a rather recent (20th century) phenomenon, or at least if drug addiction did exist, it was well concealed. Alcohol use was more common, yet never reached current proportions.

The aphorism “shikker vi a goy” (drunk as a gentile)  is no longer valid, but I suspect that in earlier days, the opprobrium of shikker was so intense that it suppressed addictive use of alcohol. There were a few shikkurim who were social outcasts. Alcoholism as we know it, i.e. functioning alcoholics may have existed in greater numbers, but this too was concealed.

Obviously the incidence of excessive drinking among Jews has increased. As recently as 50 years ago, country clubs did not take on Jewish weddings or Bar Mitzvahs, because they make their money on alcohol rather than on food. Today they actively solicit Jewish events.

Whereas forbidden sexual activity certainly occurred, I doubt that the phenomenon of sexual addiction was ever brought to the attention of the authors of sifrei mussar.

How does "Turning our will over to G-d" work?

I have read books and a lot online on the 12 step program. The two main recovery components of the 12 step program are group support, which I could definitely benefit from and steps one, two and three where we realize we are powerless, realize only god could help and we turn over our will to god. Can you explain how this works, I am sitting in front of my computer with a enormous urge to browse or masturbate, how do I suddenly turn over my will to god and how does it help? Is it in the mind? What changes that I can all of a sudden control myself?

It is of great interest that the 12 step program requires “practicing these principles in all our affairs.” One cannot isolate alcohol, drugs or sex and address only these behaviors. The program requires a comprehensive moral inventory and a sincere attempt at eliminating one’s character defects. Successful recovery requires an overhaul of one’s character.

One AA speaker, on the occasion of his 20th anniversary of sobriety began with, “The man I once was drank, and the man I once was will drink again.” Successful recovery requires emergence of a new person.

The Talmud says that a single verse which encapsulates the entire Torah is “Know G-d in all your ways” (Proverbs 3:6). All authorities, from Rambam down, explain that not only must one observe the mitzvos of the Torah, but all one’s actions should be “Torahdig.” A person who indulges in everything that the Torah permits is referred to as “a vulgar person within the confines of Torah law” (Ramban Leviticus 19:2). Just as it is a violation of Torah to eat chazzer (pork), it is also a violation to eat strictly kosher food like a chazzer (hog). A person is required to eat Torahdig, sleep Torahdig, transact Torahdig and cohabit Torahdig.

Turning over one’s will to the will of Hashem cannot be exercised when one is faced with temptation. From the time one awakes until one retires one must live Torahdig. Just dressing haredi and wearing a beard haredi and even davening haredi is not yet a Torahdig life style, and will not discourage addiction.

It is not easy to turn all of one’s life over to Hashem, but this is what the 12-step program requires and what Torah requires. “Half measures avail us nothing,” and for that matter, 95% measures also avail us nothing. “Know G-d in all your ways”

Can one work the steps without the meetings?

Will working the 12 steps by myself (books, online etc.) without going to meetings work? Or if I find another way of group support (a partner or the website) without using the 12 steps, will that work, is it worth a try?

Group support is vital. Let’s compare it to tefillah, which should be b'tzibur (with a minyan). The sefarim say that davening with a minyan with little kavanah (concentration) is superior to davening alone with much kavannah. In practice, failure to attend meetings is generally unsuccessful. If you are not going to use the 12 steps, what are you going to use? As pointed out, a mussar approach is very similar to the 12 steps.

Won't I learn worse things in the meetings?

As of today, b'h my only problem is mainly masturbation and porn, I am concerned of hearing people speak of their experiences with other women and I will get too many good ideas at the meetings and begin exploring those ideas.  Also, I have heard that people attending the 12 steps sometimes get turned on by hearing other women talk about their sexual obsessions (I heard of a guy who hooked up with a women at the meeting, dunno if it's true), this concerns me too.

There is indeed the risk of “crazy house romances.” Single gender meetings on sexual addiction is most advisable. There is also a risk of exploring the ideas one may hear.

There are deaths due to antibiotics or surgery, yet this risk does not stop people from availing themselves of the most effective medical treatment.

What if someone recognizes me?

I am afraid of being seen or recognized. Let's face it, disease or not, it's frowned upon and people (especially in the frum community) do judge.   This is something I am willing and realize I need to compromise on but I would like to hear your perspective on this.

The fear of being recognized is understandable, but the only people who will recognize you are those who have your problem. Your secret is their secret. It is highly unlikely that one will tell a friend “guess whom I saw at an SA meeting.”

Addictions are usually progressive. Physicians who resisted attending AA or NA meetings for fear of being recognized are almost invariably exposed when their loss of control leads to behavior that is a public disclosure in a far worse way. I believe this is also true of sexual addiction.

Mussar & the 12-Steps

Rabbi Twerski shared with me an article that he wrote for the website TorahWeb.org in 2010. It describes beautifully how the 12-Steps are derived from Torah principles, and it gives a clear summary of the 12-steps and how they apply to us as Frum Jews.

I found it interesting that on several occasions, the prophets reprimanded the people by comparing their errant behavior to that of alcoholics, e.g. "they were drunk, albeit not with wine; they staggered, albeit not with ale" (Isaiah 29:9). People sinned, giving in to the temptation for immediate pleasure, ignoring the long-term destructive consequences. This is typical of the alcoholic. All the rationalizations and psychological defense mechanisms that people use for committing a sin are similar to those used by the alcoholic.

Mussar begins with Moshe Rabenu, and is followed up in the Talmud. It is expanded by the classical sifre mussar, namely Reishis Chochma, Chovas Halevavos, Orchos Tzaddikim and Mesilas Yesharim. Rebbe Yisrael of Salant established the school of mussar, requiring formal courses on the subject, and his disciples greatly enriched the field. Contemporary mussar works, Michtav Eliyahu by Harav Dessler and Alei Shur by Harav Wolbe are of particular value, since they speak to our generation.

All the suggestions by the mussar authorities are valuable. However, people's efforts to improve their spirituality are generally private affairs. We are not privy to what mistakes people have made, what are their character defects, and what techniques they have used to improve themselves. In 40 years of working with alcoholics, I have had the opportunity to observe how people can successfully change their errant behavior.

The 12-step programs have been a very effective method of overcoming the scourge of a variety of addictions - alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex - and several others. Some opinions have been voiced regarding the propriety of these programs for Torah-observant Jews, and I'd like to bring some clarity to the issues.

Inasmuch as most of the meetings are of mixed genders, this has been raised as an objection. This is not an inherent fault of the program, but rather a logistic problem, and can be resolved by forming separate meetings for men and women.

Since the majority of meetings are held in church basements or social halls, some feel that these are Christian programs. The sad fact is that very few synagogues have made themselves available to program meetings. Inasmuch as the various addictions have seriously affected many Jews, it would be a mitzvah for synagogues to open their doors to meetings.

It may be argued that the first of the 12-step programs, Alcoholics Anonymous, was the outgrowth of a Christian group. This is true. However, as we shall see, the content of the 12-step programs is not only compatible with Torah, but actually seems to have been adopted from Torah sources. I cannot understand how the founder of AA, Bill Wilson, had access to concepts that we find in the Talmud and the mussar writings. The fact hat they were adopted by a Christian group hardly disqualifies them, just as the kedusha in the amidah was not disqualified by its adoption into the Lord's Prayer.

Some people mistakenly thought the 5th step to be like the Catholic confession. As we will see, it is not. Let us now look at the 12 steps.

Step #2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This is essentially the Talmudic statement (Kedushin 30b) that one's yetzer hara (evil inclination) increases in strength every day, and were it not for the help of G-d, one would not be able to withstand it. In other words, without the help of G-d, we are powerless over the yetzer hara. Indeed, the Talmud relates that two of our greatest tzaddikim were tempted by Satan and were actually in the process of submitting to the sin, and were saved only by the intervention of G-d. (Kedushin 81a).

The Talmud refers to sin as due to temporary insanity (Sotah 3a). Thus, just as we are powerless to resist the temptation to sin without G-d's help, so the alcoholic is powerless to resist the temptation to drink, and only a Power greater than oneself (which we define as G-d) can prevent the insane behavior.

Our powerlessness over sin is primarily due to two factors. (1) The overwhelming power of the yetzer hara. This is well described in what I consider a frightening essay by Rebbe Yeruchem, "The Land is Given Over to Evil," in which he describes the extraordinary powers of the Satan (Daas Chochama Umussar, vol.2 p.139). This essay was written in 1928, long before Satan greatly expanded his already formidable powers by means of the internet and television!

(2) Our vulnerability to self-deception. Like a judge who takes a bribe, our judgment is seriously compromised by our desires, which are powerful bribes. Harav Dessler addresses this in his essay on "The Perspective of Truth (Michtav M'Eliyahu vol. 1).

Without siyattya dishmaya (Divine assistance) we are helpless.

Step #3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we understood Him.

The phrase "G-d as we understood Him" has been a source of confusion. It was meant to avoid reference to the deity of any religion. The Jew should say, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Hashem." This step expresses two Torah concepts. (1) Set aside your own will in favor of the will of Hashem (Ethics of the Fathers 2:4) and (2) "Cast upon G-d your burden, and He will sustain you" (Psalms 55:23).

Moshe Rabenu warns us not to assume that we are in control of our fate. "Lest you say in your heart, ‘My strength and the might of my hand made me all this wealth.' Then you shall remember Hashem, that it is He Who gives you strength to make wealth." (Deuteronomy 9-17).

Step #4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

All sifrei mussar repeatedly stress the importance of chesbon hanefesh, a personal accounting which could not be expressed any better than "a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." This must indeed be fearless, because it takes great courage to honestly search oneself and confront parts of our character and personality whose existence we may be reluctant to acknowledge. King Solomon says, "Every way of a person is right in his own eyes" (Proverbs 21:2). It is so easy to rationalize and justify our actions.

In doing a moral inventory, we must list our assets as well as our liabilities, our merits as well as our faults, because only this way can we achieve a true self-awareness. The mussar authority, Rabbi Yeruchem Levovitz said that if a person is unaware of one's faults, one does not know what one must correct. However, a person who is unaware of one's character strengths is even in a more sorry state, because one is unaware of the tools one has to live a proper life.

Step #5: Admitted to G-d, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This step has been misconstrued as being the Catholic confession. This is not so. In his guide to proper living, Rebbe Elimelech of Lizensk says that a person should avail oneself of a trusted friend, to whom one can admit everything has done, and even the objectionable thoughts and desires one has harbored. Verbalizing these breaks the hold of the yetzer hara.

Private, moral offenses, should not be aired publicly, but we should share our interpersonal foibles. These are generally due to our acquisitive drives which lead to envy and dishonesty.

Step #7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

We generally can control our behavior, but we may have little or no control over some of our feelings. It is evident from the Talmud that we are born with some character traits, some of which we can sublimate and redirect to positive goals. We may not, by our own efforts, be able to extirpate some undesirable traits.

The saintly Chafetz Chaim was known to pray tearfully at the Ark of the Torah that G-d relieve him of his feelings of anger. The Chafetz Chaim never exhibited anger, because he was in control of his behavior, but he could not eliminate feeling angry, and he prayed that G-d remove these.

Obviously, we must do our homework to rid ourselves of objectionable traits, and this is how one becomes "ready to have G-d remove all these defects of character." Once one has done whatever is within one's power, one can then "ask G-d to remove our shortcomings."

Step #8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

The Talmud says that whereas a person's sins are forgiven on Yom Kippur, this does not apply to offenses committed against another person. Divine forgiveness is granted only if one has genuinely sought forgiveness from the person one harmed or offended.

Step #9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

It is of interest that there is a difference of opinion between ethicists whether a person should seek to make amends if doing so would be displeasing to the victim. A man asked me to forgive him for having spread a bad rumor about me. I did forgive him, but I wished that he had not told me about this, because now I was worried about what bad rumors might be circulating about me.

In such cases, Rabbi Yisrael of Salant said that one would be better off not asking for forgiveness, because this aggravates the person. The Chafetz Chaim, however, said that one must ask forgiveness nevertheless. I was amused that Bill Wilson had gravitated to the opinion of Rabbi Yisrael of Salant.

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible." The latter is an interesting qualification. What can you do when the person whom you offended has moved to another country and there is no way you can find and reach him? Siduro Shel Shabbos says that when you genuinely regret your action and have exhausted every possibility at personally contacting the person you offended, you may assume that Hashem will put it in his heart to forgive you.

Step #10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

In Alei Shur, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe says that one should carry a notebook and record occurrences of a moral or ethical nature, and review them at the end of the day. We may so easily forget things we don't like to remember, but it is precisely these things that require our attention. Keeping a running chesbon hanefesh is the best way to identify mistakes and correct them

One cannot emphasize strongly enough "when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." The natural tendency is to defend a mistake and rationalize it. This is a gross error. Recent political events have proven that "cover-ups" do not work. One will have much better results if one overcomes the tendency to defend a mistake, and admit it promptly.

One of the Torah commentaries points out the greatness of the patriarch, Abraham. The Torah sharply condemns human sacrifice, "For everything that is an abomination of Hashem, that He hates, have they done to their gods; for even their sons and their daughters have they burned in the fire for their gods" (Deuteronomy 12:31). For decades Abraham had preached against this pagan worship, stating that G-d could never desire a human sacrifice.

Now, Abraham understood that Hashem wanted him to sacrifice Isaac, and he was actually eager to fulfill the Divine will. But how would he face the scores of people to whom he had so vehemently condemned human sacrifice? He would have to say, "For the past sixty or more years, what I told you was wrong." Abraham was willing to admit that all his life, he had been wrong. That was the greatness of Abraham.

Step #11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious with G-d, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out.

The mussar and Chassidic literature is replete with this principle.

Rather than praying for personal needs, King David says, "One thing I ask of Hashem, that I shall seek; That I dwell in the house of Hashem all the days of my life (Psalms 27:4). When G-d appeared to King Solomon in a dream, and offered to grant him a wish, Solomon asked only for wisdom.

In his fervent Tefillah Kodem Hatfillah (Introductory prayer), Rebbe Elimelech pleads for Divine assistance in praying. He closes his prayer with, "If we lack the wisdom to direct our hearts to You, then You teach us that we should know in truth the intention of Your good will."

Step #12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Torah teaches us that we have a duty of arvus, of mutual responsibility for one another. There is a Scriptural mitzvah of tochacha, of giving reproof for improper behavior. Indeed, if one has the possibility of positively influencing another person and fails to do so, one is held responsible for the other person's misdeeds.

The Talmud says that there is one verse on which all of Torah depends: "Know G-d in all your ways" (Proverbs 3:6), Torah rejects the idea "Give unto G-d that which is His and unto Caesar that which is his." We do not have two standards, one for religion and the other for the secular. We are required to practice the principles of Torah "in all our affairs."

My book, Self-Improvement? I'm Jewish, was written at the request of a recovering alcoholic who wanted a program based on mussar. At the end of the book, I cited the 12-steps, pointing out that they essentially comprise a program based on mussar.

Let me share another insight with you.

Rambam says that true teshuvah is achieved when "Hashem, who knows the innermost secrets of one's heart, will testify that the person will never again commit this sin" (Laws of Teshuva 2:2). Commentaries ask (e.g Lechem Mishnah), How can Rambam make that statement? A person always has bechira, the freedom to do good or to sin. If Hashem testifies that the person will never again commit that sin, then either he loses his bechira or Hashem's testimony was not correct. Neither of these is acceptable.

I attended a meeting of recovering alcoholics at which the speaker said, "The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again. If I ever go back to being the man I once was, I will drink again." Suddenly, the Rambam's words were clear.

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A sin occurs when a person is in a spiritual state that allows that sin to occur.

For example, a frum person would not eat treife. He is at a level of Torah observance where eating tereife is just not a possibility. Let us suppose that he discovered that he inadvertently had spoken lashon hara. He regrets this deeply and resolves, "I must now be more careful with my speech."

Good teshuva? No, says Rambam. Speaking lashon hara is a grievous sin, just as is eating tereife. Yet, although it was impossible that this person would inadvertently eat tereife, it was not impossible for him to inadvertently speak lashon hara. True teshuva, says Rambam, is when the person elevates himself to a level of kedusha where inadvertently speaking lashon hara is as impossible as eating tereife.

It is, of course, possible that a person may slip from that level of kedusha, in which case he may indeed repeat the act. Thus, Hashem does not testify that the person will never again commit the sin, but rather that he has succeeded in attaining a level of kedusha, where, at this level, that sin is not a possibility. That is why the Rambam, uncharacteristically, chose to refer to Hashem as, "who knows the innermost secrets of one's heart;" i.e, He knows that this person has achieved the level of spirituality.

This why the Rambam continues, that with this kind of teshuva, the person can say, "I am no longer the same person that committed that sin" (ibid. 2:4).

90 Days in Chazal

The 12 Step program has a special chip for 90 days sober. They also encourage 90 meetings in 90 days. In a light-hearted vein, Rabbi Twerski sent this to us:

The transformation that occurred at Yetzias Mitzrayim, from a slave mentality to the spirituality of “naaseh venishma” was miraculous. How did it occur? With the mitzvah of Sefira, taking it "one day at a time".

Why then, was there so great a failure at the episode of the golden calf? Perhaps because it was only 49 days, not 90.

Bnei Yissaschar notes that the giving of the Torah was a “wedding”, a union of Hashem and Klal Yisrael. Prior thereto, the Jews had been bound to the avoda zara of Egypt. He then asks, the halacha says that a widow or divorcee must wait 90 days before taking a new husband. Shouldn't there have been a 90 day waiting period before Mattan Torah?

He answers that beginning with the 7th day of Sefira, we do a ‘double count,:” e.g., “today is seven days, which is one week. Today is 11 days, which is one week plus four days. Thus we count six single days, and 43 “double days.” The double days = 43 x 2 = 86, plus 6 single days, so you have more than the requisite 90.

(Rabbi Twerski then adds in jest:) But if so, why did they relapse to the avoda zara of the golden calf?

Because the program requires 90 meetings in 90 days. Doubling up and making 90 meetings in 45 days doesn’t work.

Rabbi Twerski responds to Criticism of the 12-Step Program

I read an article by a Rabbi criticizing the 12-step program. Rather than responding to each point, I would like to discuss a broader issue.

Sexual addiction and pornography are now epidemic, even among frum people, and are destroying families. The following communications show the caliber of people who are being affected.

“I’m a 21 year old yeshiva bachur. I went to prominent American yeshivos all my life and am now learning in a famous yeshiva gedola in Eretz Yisrael. Modesty aside, I was at the top of my classes and shiurim, widely respected by my friends and rebbeim. I planned to learn many years and go into chinuch. I would find a perfect shidduch quickly, some Rosh Yeshiva’s daughter, raise a beautiful family, and spread nachas all around. A perfect life awaited; I was the frum community’s model son. As far as anybody knows, all this is still true. When I was in the first year of beis medrash, my parents brought the internet into our home, and my secret life began. To condense the story, I was quickly hooked on devarim assurim. (Let’s not kid ourselves. Like every person on this planet, I was always curious, and all the blockers my parents set up fell away quickly, without their knowledge.) Like any person that becomes addicted to something, I quit many times, once for a whole year, for months, many times, I buried my head in the Torah to save myself as best I could. But it always came back. Going against everything I’d ever learned, I continued. I slowly trained myself to shut G-d out whenever I wanted to. That led me to more aveiros, rachmana litzlan.”

Another letter:

“I was a heimishe, chassidishe yeshiva bachur that belonged to a chassidus, and put on a shtreimel by my wedding. I knew that my behaviors were completely prohibited according to the Torah and this caused me terrible emotional pain and made feel like a hypocrite leading a double life. To thwart these behaviors, I davened, I learned, I cried. I gave tzedaka, I went to mikveh, I fasted, I pleaded to Hashem. I went to Kivrei Tzaddikim, I made nedorim and even shevuos. I wrote letters to gedolim asking for help, and many more things. To no avail. I could not stop. It got worse to the point where I was unfaithful to my wife. Gevald! After promising myself to stop after each bout and continuously slipping, I gave up on everything and lived internally a not-religious life with an exterior image of a heimishe chasid. I was even thinking of leaving my family and Yiddishkeit completely."

I was introduced to 12-step support groups, dealing specifically with these issues. I felt I was not alone. Others suffer from this problem. I listened to what these people were saying and doing in order not to fall back into old behaviors.

Today, after a nice few years in these support groups, I am still married to the same person; we have a wonderful relationship. My Yiddishkeit and chasssidus is real, not external. My Rebbe, a tzaddik and leader of a chassidus, knows what I went through and encouraged me to go to these support groups. I am grateful to Hashem for every moment of recovery I have today.”

It is easy to be critical of anything, including the 12-step meetings. Rashi (Shemos 18:1) praises Yisro for saying veatta secheze ( Shemos 18:21), whereby he suggested to Moshe Rabeinu to set up a judicial hierarchy. Likutei Yehoshua asks, “Why does Rashi not mention Yisro’s earlier remarks, (Shemos 18: 18), where he said to Moshe, “What you are doing is not good?” He answers, that anyone can criticize. Yisro is praised for suggesting a solution, not for criticizing.

These letters are typical of what we find with frum young men, “bnei Torah,” who have fallen into the trap of sex addiction. To me, the most vexing question is, “What went wrong?”

I have said that if I had to develop a recovery program based on mussar, it would be, word for word, the 12 steps. Why then, did bnei Torah who learned mussar, become sex addicts, and why do they recover with the 12-step program?

The Talmud relates that the students of R’ Yohanan ben Zakai came to visit him before his death, and requested a beracha. R’ Yohanan said, “May your fear of Hashem be as great as your fear of other people.” The students were taken aback. “Is that all you can tell us?” R’ Yohanan said, “Yes. A person will refrain from doing something improper if he thinks someone may see him, but is not stopped by the fact that Hashem sees him.”

Students of R’ Yohnan ben Zakai were great Torah scholars, yet they were derelict in yiras shamayim.

There were always purveyors of shmutz, but a decent person would not risk being seen in one of these places. However, in the privacy of their home or office, or of their hand-held screen, they are not deterred from watching pornography by the fact that Hashem sees them. The current pornography epidemic, affecting some yeshiva and kollel students, who are otherwise observant of mitzvos, indicates a serious lack of yiras shamayim.

After stating the centrality of ahavas and yiras Hashem, Rambam asks, “How is this to be achieved? He answers, “If a person will contemplate the great and wondrous works of Hashem, he will come to appreciate His infinite wisdom, and this will result in his desire to know Hashem, which will lead to ahavas and yiras Hashem.”

Where is Rambam’s suggestion implemented? Where are Torah students apprised of the wonders of creation? King David devoted Psalm 104 to the wonders of creation. The prophet Isaiah said, “Raise your eyes on high and see Who created these.” Psalm 19 says, “The heavens declare the glory of Hashem, and the firmament tells of His handiwork.”

I suggested to a mechanech in Israel to get National Geographic videos and show the students the beauty of Hashem’s work, and to bring in lecturers who can tell the students the mind-boggling intricacies of creation. He recently told me that this has had a major impact on his students learning and attitude.

Mussar is powerful and potent, and it would certainly be effective if it were learned the way it was intended to be learned. Rebbe Yisrael Salant said that mussar must be learned with hispaalus, with an intense emotional quality that a person feels it has made a change in oneself. An intellectual knowledge of mussar does not accomplish much.

We have an intellectual knowledge of aveira goreres aveira, but it is only an intellectual awareness. A recovering alcoholic was at a party and was served punch. With the first swallow, he realized that the punch had been “spiked.” He called me in a panic. He knew that even an accidental swallow of a small amount of alcohol could trigger a relapse. “What should I do?” he asked. “Should I put myself in the hospital? I don’t want to lose my wife and my job!” To him, aveira goreres aveira is real. An accidental swallow of a tiny bit of alcohol can lead to his destruction.

If a frum person said or heard lashon hara, does he call his Rav in a panic? “What should I do? I did an aveira! I’m afraid that this could lead to other aveiros! I could end up, chalila, being mechalel Shabbos or eating treife.” He doesn’t do this because aveira goreres aveira are just words

When a person who is sincere in recovery leaves a 12-step meeting, he has the feeling, “If I deviate from this program, I will die.” When a person leaves a mussar shiur, does he have the feeling that if he neglects to follow the teaching of mussar he will die?

Yes, if one learns and practices mussar the way R’ Yisrael Salant did, it will be effective.

It is naïve to assume that one can get yiras shamayim by performing the mitzvos. Listen to what Moshe Rabeinu says:

“Now, O Israel, what does Hashem, your G-d, ask of you? Only to fear Hashem, to go in all His ways (middos) and to love Him, and to serve Hashem with all your heart and with all your soul. To observe the mitzvos of Hashem…” (Devarim 10:12).

Note that Moshe Rabeinu placed yiras shamayim and middos before performance of mitzvos.

Sexual addiction is a deadly cancer that is a serious threat to the survival of Yiddishkeit. The Satan has the internet as a powerful weapon. Torah leaders must concentrate their efforts on how to instill yiras shamayim in “frum” people, and how to repel the yetzer hara. Whatever is being done at present is not sufficient.

Dov's Approach (Dov is an addict with many years of recovery)

I see little difference between being preoccupied with fighting lust, and lusting. For me, they inexorably lead to the same thing.

My job in recovery (after working my steps) is to focus on Hashem and being useful to Him. Anything else is a distraction, including lust/acting out. That's all. And I can't get distracted by lust, of all things, because if I do I won't be able to control it. So I can't struggle with lust any more than I can use it.

Recovery, in my experience so far, is about a different focus that the one I used to espouse. And that is why the "Yetzer Hara model" is useless to me and many other frum addicts who are sober today.

I think that Dov's statement that one needs to focus primarily on being with Hashem and doing what Hashem wants, and to stop preoccupation with the yetzer hara is valid. The rebbe of Kotzk said, "An aveira is like mud. Whichever way you handle the mud, you get dirty."

Step Three

I began a small project once to apply the 12-Steps to the malady of "Selfism" that is the underlying cause for most human problems, especially addiction. I asked Rabbi Twerski:

"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of G-d as we understood Him." Among old-time 12-Steppers, there seems to be a lack of consensus on whether one can really work the steps without belief in G-d. Does the Rav think we should keep our Selfism project so universal that even those who don't believe in G-d can work it? My real goal/vision for this project is to bring humanity (and more importantly Jews) closer to G-dliness through this project. What are the Rav's thoughts?

In Step One we admitted that we had lost control over our lives. Our “self-will run riot” resulted in wholesale destruction—marriage, family, job, friends, social status. We could no longer run our lives, because our compass had gone crazy, and would lead us only to further disaster.

At one AA meeting, the speaker was an accomplished psychoanalyst, who said, “All my psychologic knowledge and treatment did not prevent alcohol from ruining my life. In desperation, I called AA. I was sitting in my kitchen, slumped over a cup of coffee, when this huge woman appeared in the doorway. ‘Did you call for help?’ she said. “I said, “Yes. Can you help me?” She said, “I will, if you’ll listen.” At that point, I, a training analyst, turned my life over to a fifth-grade dropout, who became my savior. After a brief talk, she said, “Go to the phone and cancel all your patients. You’re crazy!” I did just that.

“I became totally dependent on her. I called her several times a day, asking what I should do. After two weeks, she told me she was going to Memphis to a niece’s wedding, and I panicked. “What can I do if I can’t reach you? How will I know what to do?” She said, “Go out and ask someone on the street. Their judgment is going to be better than yours.”

“She was right. Alcohol had totally warped my judgment. Anyone’s judgment would be better than mine.”

Coming to the realization how unreliable our thinking is, we realized that only a power greater than us could lead us out of this mess. If you’re religious, that Power could be G-d. If you don’t believe in G-d, then let someone else decide for you until your mind returns to normal.