Shame - Revision history

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-''From Rabbi Feldman'':
+''From Rabbi Feldman'':<blockquote>Shame, which to [...] is a horror to be avoided at all costs, does not seem to be a negative emotion to Rabeynu Yona who lists busha as one of the ikarim of teshuva. [...] obliquely disposes of this problem by saying that what Chazal say of busha is not the same as shame. I do not know where [...] got this, since all  dictionaries translate busha as shame. I will explain why Rabeynu Yona is not a contradiction to psychological findings that shame is damaging to mental health.
 Shame is a normal human emotion. If a trusted bank officer is caught embezzling he is ashamed of himself, and might even commit suicide out of his shame. What about the psychological research which says that shame is a negative emotion? Psychology is based (and this is its intrinsic fault from a Torah perspective) on the view that there is no G-d. If so, when one is shamed, one can only be ashamed of himself and thereby he loses his sense of self-worth, agreeably a detrimental wrong emotion.
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 So shame means busha, but it is busha based on a total belief that there is a real G-d who observes his actions. This is why busha, chazal say, grants a person forgiveness from his sins and is the basis of Rabeynu Yona’s ikar hateshuva.
-The same is true about self-esteem which modern psychology celebrates so widely. Consider why should a person have self-esteem? The booklet says because “he is an incredible person”? Why is he incredible? He is only incredible because G-d cares about him and desires him to become a tsaddik. The booklet mentions this, but does not recognize that this is the only true source of self-esteem. Other forms of self-esteem are delusionary—why indeed is an evolutionary creature who came from nowhere and is going nowhere have self-esteem? We would laugh if an ant would strut about declaring his  self-esteem. We should laugh just as much about human self-esteem. Humans are entitled to self-esteem only because they were created by G-d not for any of the other reasons which the booklet lists. They are all delusionary and delusion is a way of life which should be avoided at all costs because ultimately reality catches up with a person.
+The same is true about self-esteem which modern psychology celebrates so widely. Consider why should a person have self-esteem? ... because “he is an incredible person”? Why is he incredible? He is only incredible because G-d cares about him and desires him to become a tsaddik. ... this is the only true source of self-esteem. Other forms of self-esteem are delusionary—why indeed is an evolutionary creature who came from nowhere and is going nowhere have self-esteem? We would laugh if an ant would strut about declaring his  self-esteem. We should laugh just as much about human self-esteem. Humans are entitled to self-esteem only because they were created by G-d not for any of the other reasons which the booklet lists. They are all delusionary and delusion is a way of life which should be avoided at all costs because ultimately reality catches up with a person.  </blockquote>Dr. Yosef Shagalow: <blockquote>When we talk about dangerous shame we are referring to shame that we exist, I'm shanked of who I am. Healthy shame is shame of what i did. Oh a deeper level, shame of our animal soul no shame of our G-dly soul. Shame that there is nothing good about me is bad shame. We do believe in shame as a powerful tool nevertheless there is still the concept of healthy shame and unhealthy shame. As above. Tanya is full of this idea, but instead of referring to the problem as shame, he refers to it as עצבות.<ref>וזהו שכתוב מכל עצב יהי' מותר שאחרי העצב בא לשמחה אמיתית.
 == References ==

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 * [[Despair]]
 * [[Guilt]]
 == From GYE Members ==
 * Just one more thought, I have been searching for something like GYE for a long time now (I don't have google search with my filter) because I was not willing to share my suffering with anyone. The feeling of being alone in the world with these challenges and no one to share them with was extremely overwhelming. Finally finding GYE gives me a feeling of relief, like "wow this is exactly what I need".  [https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/347559-Am-I-going-to-suffer-for-the-rest-of-my-life#347574 @wilnevergiveup]

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 * Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. '''If we speak shame, it begins to wither'''. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. ''Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 58). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''
 * This discussion about the nature of shame brings us to treatment. There is more than education. The antidote to shame is, in part, '''the therapeutic relationship'''. Shame begets shame and, according to Mollen, the resolution is in the ‘affectionate response of another person’ (2002: 43). To be heard by a non-shaming and empathetic advocate can reduce the overwhelming feelings of shame. ''Birchard, Thaddeus. CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (p. 59). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.''
 * If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. ''Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 75). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''

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-We generally use the words “shame” and guilt” interchangeably. One may say, “I am ashamed of what I did”, meaning “I feel guilty over what I did.” Technically, however, the two terms are different. Guilt is about what a person did, and it can be a constructive feeling in that it can lead one to Teshuvah, to take corrective action. Shame, however, is what one feels he '''''is'''''. In other words, guilt is “I '''''made''''' a mistake”, whereas shame is “I '''''am''''' a mistake”. If one feels that he is inherently flawed, that he is made of “bad stuff”, there is nothing he can do to change that. With guilt there is hope of improvement, but not with shame. --''Rabbi Twerski, GYE Handbook''
+''From Rabbi Feldman'':
 == References ==
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 * '''Maladaptive Shame''': Also it might help to change "Shame" to "Negative/Destructive/Maladaptive Shame" (or "a feeling of worthlessness"). See <nowiki>https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/theory-knowledge/201211/adaptive-and-maladaptive-shame</nowiki> See also שפת אמת ויקרא פרשת שמיני: וכלל הדברים כי בושה ודאגה של אמת אינו מביא לידי עצבות ואינו מביא לשום מניעה בעבודת ה', ועוד מביא אח"כ שמחה. And then we can paraphrase Brown, "Destructive shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging".
 * Stuewig (2016), Children’s Proneness to Shame and Guilt Predict Risky and Illegal Behaviors in Young Adulthood, also has a nice distinction, "feelings of shame involve a painful focus on the self (e.g., "'''I''' did something bad"). The experience of shame is often accompanied by a sense of shrinking, of being small, of worthlessness and powerlessness, and of being exposed.  .... In contrast, feelings of guilt involve a focus on a specific behavior (e.g., "I did '''something bad'''"). The experience of guilt is often accompanied by a sense of tension, of remorse, and of regret over the "bad thing done."
 '''In the context of Sexual Addiction'''

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 == References ==
 '''In the context of Sexual Addiction'''
 * @Florin: Shame leading to more porn use by triggering neurotic coping (anxiety, vulnerability etc.) (Reid2011; authors note: "whereas shame appears to be a good candidate for the triggering of neurotic coping as one feature of hypersexuality, shame is not a necessary condition". Self compasion can help with this as per ''Reid RC et al. Shame, rumination, and self-compassion in men assessed for hypersexual disorder. J Psychiatr Pract. 2014 Jul;20(4):260-8.''

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 ** The links specifically between shame and sex addiction have been widely written about (Dhuffar et al., 2017), and contrary to the belief of some, '''the shame experienced by people with sex addiction is rarely from any ethical or anti-sex perspective'''. On the contrary, most of the clients I work with have no moral objection to watching pornography or visiting sex workers. Their shame comes from prioritizing these activities over and above their commitments to partners, children, friends, work, finances, health and career and personal development. Furthermore, their experience of shame is deep rooted and goes back to childhood experiences that created their faulty core beliefs, rather than simply being linked to their current behaviors. ''Hall, Paula. Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction (p. 115). Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.''
 *** He proposes changing using a CBA for these negative believes, writing flash cards of new positive beliefs w/ evidence. As well as using a [[wikipedia:Transactional_analysis|Transactional Analysis]]. See also following pages for much more info on the topic, including ACT. ("Shame withers when others value us, in spite of our vulnerabilities and failures, and that is why group work and the 12-Steps are so important for addiction recovery.") ''Ibid p. 115-117.''
 '''General'''
 * Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. ''Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 69). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''

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 == References ==
-* Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. ''Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 69). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''
+* 3.4 - The role of shame in sexual addiction: A review of empirical research Manpreet K. Dhuffar and Mark D. Griffiths in ''Birchard, T., & Benfield, J. (Eds.). (2017). Routledge International Handbook of Sexual Addiction. Routledge International Handbooks.''
 * Maia Szalavitz, “Being Ashamed of Drinking Prompts Relapse, Not Recovery,” Time, February 7, 2013, <nowiki>http://healthland.time.com/2013/02/07/being-ashamed-of-drinking-prompts-relapse-not-recovery</nowiki>. See Discussion page for more quotes from that article.
 * ''The Weight of Negativity.'' Peele, Stanton; Thompson, Ilse. Recover! (p. 104). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.

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 * If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. ''Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 75). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''
 * '''Talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I really love and whom I’m trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown''': You’re okay. You’re human—we all make mistakes. I’ve got your back. Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER talk to people we love and respect. ''Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 80). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''
 * Shame thrives on secret keeping, and when it comes to secrets, there’s some serious science behind the twelve-step program saying, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” ''Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly (p. 82). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''
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