Motivation

Some guys join GuardYourEyes when they are highly motivated to change. Others have mixed feelings about their behavior, while others want to see if they can cut back on their pornography watching from 15 hours a week to something more reasonable, like 13 or 14 hours. Kidding!

On the one hand you really want to stop, but there’s another part of you that really likes it the way it is. Often having these conflicting feelings can leave you feeling stuck.

Going cold turkey before you’re sufficiently motivated doesn’t usually work for very long, even if you know exactly what you need to do to stop, because some days you just wonder if it’s worth the bother.

A lot of people say, “I got an urge and I just said forget it.”

Motivation is always the key, the foundation of everything we do. Motivation is about getting clear on what you really want deep inside, and being ready to say, “I’m gonna go for it!” “I’m gonna do this”. Not, “I want to do it”, not “I wish I can do it”, but I really will do it. I’m gonna quit. I’m gonna change.”

That’s what motivation sounds like.

Motivation is about saying I’m gonna make this a high priority in my life right now for the next few weeks at least, that I’m committed to getting this done..

It’s really hard to summon the energy needed to change an ingrained behavior if you’re not even sure it’s worth the effort. That’s why increasing your motivation is an important first step.

And even when you feel passionate about changing, that feeling can still ebb and flow like the tide. The path is unpredictable. You can be excited about quitting one day, and indifferent about it the next. However, without true passion and desire, you likely won’t make any long-lasting changes to your behavior.

As you’ve seen in the previous chapter, change isn’t something you do with the flick of a switch. It’s never easy. Changing behavior is a project, it’s a journey. And therefore, you need to be able to set aside the time and energy to deal with it.

We’ll try to make this journey  as smooth as possible, and we’ll make sure that your investment will pay off; but you still need to be ready to devote the time and the energy for it, make it your top priority, or at least one of your top 2 priorities, so that you give this goal the proper attention.

Sustaining Motivation

• See The Battle of the Generation Ch. 26 (Making it last. Every time we get inspired, it makes a subtle impression upon our essence. Over time, these impressions accumulate and turn us into the person we want to be. • Inspiration fades over time, but we can keep it strong by reviewing material that gets us excited every day. • Another way to make motivation last longer is to act on it to win battles with excitement. • We can also strengthen these feelings by building determination to win.)

Tools

• Cost Benefit Analysis, also known as Decisional Balance
• Exploring Your Values
• Exploring Your Roles
• Additional Tools
• Self Worth

Torah Sources

Fear of Missing Out

• The Steipler: Thinking how the afterworld is eternal. Thinking that you don't want to defile your soul, and the spiritual worlds. Thinking that by overcoming the nisayon you'll gain a tremendous zechus. Thinking that Hashem will compensate for all the lost pleasure even in the physical world. (Kraina D'igrasa 1:109)
• "By telling us we are missing out on the best thing in life, the yetzer hara tries to make us miserable in an attempt to destroy us. But in reality, we will only miss out on the most amazing experience in life if we give in instead of fighting back. We must celebrate our victories and gain a glimpse of the glorious feeling we will experience in the Next World because that is the best way to overcome this dirty trick." Summary of Chapter 9 of The Battle of the Generation

From GYE Members

Making it a priority

• I have always been battling but now is the first time i realize i really have to step it up and battle on a high level. #The Bruceman

Reasons to Quit

• For me its just keeps coming back to the scary thought of being so stuck in porn/mast that it'll cont into marriage. The thought of my future eishis chayil just walking in and seeing me. Chills. How much life can be torn apart. And even if your never caught, how can you get so much pleasure from other women(albeit its virtual) thats not your wife. Shes(your wife) is supposed to be your life partner. How can I do this to her. #battle-of-the-gen

General

• Key motivating factor is how hard it may be the rest of your life if you dont do these 90 days. "better 90 days than 90 years" #battle-of-the-gen
• For motivation, I just really wanted to win. I was sick of losing. I was shocked that I had fallen the last time, and told myself and G-d that I was done. This has been a goal for way too long, and I don't care if the battle gets hard, I will win! I'll plan ahead, write battle plans, and will win this once and for all! Thank G-d, that came out to be true so far! Motivation can actually take you really far! I really hope to continue this amazing progress, going from milestone to milestone, and have an opportunity to successfully help other people in this area. @Anonymous

Long term pleasure vs. Short term pleasure

• We all want pleasure. Every act of ours truly is motivated to some extent by pleasure. It could be the simple pleasure of eating a slice of pizza. It could be the pleasure of getting up early forgoing the pleasure of enjoying more sleep. And it could be the pleasure of connecting to Hashem through his torah and mitzvos. Hashem created the world for pleasure. And just like not all ice-cream flavors are created equal, so too, not all levels of pleasure are created equal. It’s true that sushi tastes great, but does that compare to the pleasure of loving and being loved. It’s true that listening to your favorite music is great, but does that substitute the pleasure of having a life filled with meaning. Pleasures come in different levels. Hashem wants us to have pleasure not just in olam haba but even in olam hazeh as well. The torah is there in part to help us not to get trapped in the lower levels of pleasure. It’s there so that we can focus on the pleasures that really matter. And it’s true that in order to get the higher levels of pleasure, we sometimes need to forgo the more immediate pleasure, but that too makes the pleasure that we have afterwards even greater. Lefum tzaarah agra. We are princes. And just opting for the simple life out of choice is like giving up the fortune of a billionaire father for the lick of a lollipop. It just isn’t worth it. (I once read an excellent piece by Rabbi Noach Weinberg on the five levels of pleasure in the book “what the angel taught you”. In my opinion, a must read!) #anonymousmillenial

Limits of Motivation

• There's a quote I once read. 'You don't need motivation, you need discipline.' I believe the idea is as follows. It starts with motivation; i have to want to change. And I have to really want to change. But then, even when we really want to change, sometimes we just don't feel the motivation. We feel drained, tired and fed up. And then we chas veshalom, act out. This is where discipline comes in. We have to stick to our set tasks / goals even when we no longer want to. Or at least, even when we no longer feel like we want to. We don't want to, but we do it anyway. The motivation ebbs and wanes, but the discipline we have must never change. I write this like its easy, but I'm working on it myself. Even as I write this, I'm kind of under an attack of lust. I know that I want to be good, but I almost don't care. And that's when I have to apply discipline - I will fight and stay clean, no matter what. #Im Tevakshena Kakasef

GYE Boosts

• The Importance of Kedusha by Rav Ephraim Wachsman - Discusses how this struggle is the FOUNDATION of our entire spiritual structure. (Causes lack of geshmak in davening, depression)
• Making it Real by Rabbi Efraim Stauber - Rabbi Efraim Stauber speaks about how a real relationship with Hashem will help us stay strong when faced with challenges in Shmiras Einayim and other areas.
• What's wrong with pornography? Rabbi Mordechai Becher shares insights into what Tumah really means. (A bit theoretical, but interesting)
• SATAN BEFORE AND AFTER - PSHAT 2 by Rabbi Yitzchak Feigenbaum
• MINING DIAMONDS by Rabbi Chanan Gordon