Difference between revisions of "Stimulus Control"

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** [[Boundaries]]
 
** [[Boundaries]]
 
* [[Monitoring Software]]
 
* [[Monitoring Software]]
−
* Avoiding [[Triggers]]
+
* Avoiding [[Triggers]] / Changing your Scheduling
 
* [[Shmiras Einayim]]
 
* [[Shmiras Einayim]]
−
* Forgetting to Sin / Scheduling
+
* Forgetting to Sin  
  
−
== Research ==
+
== Research & References ==
−
Stimulus control entails avoiding or removing triggers for the addictive behavior, or changing the environment in way that helps to avoid the behavior. Examples of the stimulus control process include avoiding bars and drinking buddies, attending events where alcohol is not served, and going to self-help meetings to avoid triggers to drink. For smokers, getting up from the table immediately after eating can be a stimulus control strategy. Banning oneself from casinos is another. Spending time with others in recovery or who do not engage in the addictive behavior also represents stimulus control. ''DiClemente, Carlo C., Addiction and Change.''
+
 
 +
* Unlike some other addictions, the sexually addicted person is almost inescapably bombarded day and night with visual trigger cues to their addiction. The streets throng with sexual cues and, even at home, TV and Internet advertisements tell of the association between sex and success as measured by such things as the value of one’s car. Going to a self-help group might unavoidably put the addicted person in close proximity to precisely the trigger to their addiction, rather as if meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous were to be held in a bar. ''Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 322). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.''
 +
* Stimulus control entails avoiding or removing triggers for the addictive behavior, or changing the environment in way that helps to avoid the behavior. Examples of the stimulus control process include avoiding bars and drinking buddies, attending events where alcohol is not served, and going to self-help meetings to avoid triggers to drink. For smokers, getting up from the table immediately after eating can be a stimulus control strategy. Banning oneself from casinos is another. Spending time with others in recovery or who do not engage in the addictive behavior also represents stimulus control. ''DiClemente, Carlo C., Addiction and Change.''
 +
 
 +
* Examples: - restricting time spent online - switching to service providers that filter content - installing screening software - placing the computer in places that are visible to others. ''Briken, P., 2020. An integrated model to assess and treat compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Nature Reviews Urology, pp.1-16.''
 +
* ''Douglas Braun-Harvey MA, MFT, CGP, CST, Michael A. Vigorito LMFT, LCPC, C. (2016). Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction (Vol. 7, Issue 2). Springer Publishing Company. p. 83; p. 268-270.''
 +
* ...The second step directs attention to antecedent manipulations. Here, the clinician and client explore ways to change the environmental/ social conditions in the client’s life. For example, a person addicted to video gaming may be lonely and depressed, and may lack the social skills necessary for meeting new people. In teaching such skills, the clinician would assist the client in identifying the necessary stimulus and reinforcing conditions for meeting new friends. ''Thombs, D. L., & Osborn, C. J. (2019). Introduction to Addictive Behaviors (Fifth Edit). The Guilford Press. p. 156''
 +
* Restricting time spent online, switching to service providers that filter content, installing screening software or placing the computer in places that are visible to others can be concrete and helpful first steps [38]<ref>Briken, P. & Basdekis- Jozsa, R. [Sexual addiction? When sexual behavior gets out of control]. Bundesgesundheitsblatt Gesundheitsforschung Gesundheitsschutz 53, 313–318 (2010).</ref>. ''Briken, P. (2020). An integrated model to assess and treat compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Nature Reviews Urology, 17. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41585-020-0343-7<nowiki/>.''
 +
* The “out of sight, out of mind” principle applies to adults, too. One recent study, for instance, found office workers who kept candy in a desk drawer indulged less than when they kept the candy on top of their desks, in plain sight.<ref>https://www.apa.org/topics/willpower</ref>
 +
* If it's not Easy (from [https://www.bi.team/publications/east-four-simple-ways-to-apply-behavioural-insights/ EAST]) to do it, the likelihood of the behavior decreases. @Florin
 +
** Atomic habits has a lot on this: A commitment device is a choice you make in the present that controls your actions in the future. It is a way to lock in future behavior, bind you to good habits, and restrict you from bad ones. When Victor Hugo shut his clothes away so he could focus on writing, he was creating a commitment device.* ''Clear, James. Atomic Habits (p. 170). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''
 +
*** In the footnote he adds: This is also referred to as a “Ulysses pact” or a “'''Ulysses contract'''.” Named after Ulysses, the hero of The Odyssey, who told his sailors to tie him to the mast of the ship so that he could hear the enchanting song of the Sirens but wouldn’t be able to steer the ship toward them and crash on the rocks. Ulysses realized the benefits of locking in your future actions while your mind is in the right place rather than waiting to see where your desires take you in the moment. ''Clear, James. Atomic Habits (p. 307). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.''
 +
*** If a person has a low restraint bias or simply knows of the '''hot-to-cold empathy gap''', they might adopt the solution of taking pre-emptive action when in the cold state in anticipation of the hot state. The classical tale of Odysseus is a perfect illustration of such pre-emptive action. Odysseus did not suffer from a restraint bias, so well in advance, he correctly estimated the lure of the song of the sirens pulling him and his boat to the rocks. Therefore, before getting to the tempting location, he had his sailors tie him to the mast of the ship, so he could not alter its course and be drawn to the sirens. His sailors had their ears bunged up with wax so that they would not hear the sound of the sirens. ''Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 218). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.''
 +
*** Rabbi Twerski telling the story - http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/Stimulus_Control?veaction=edit&section=2.
 +
*** That is also the idea of a [[Taphsic]].
 +
* Focus on the Prompt to Stop a Habit ''Fogg, PhD, BJ. Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything (p. 208). HMH Books. Kindle Edition.''
 +
** See also http://www.behaviorwizard.org/wp/all-previews-list/BlackPath-behaviors-preview/. In our case we want to remove both the ''trigger'' and ''ability''.
 +
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUWmyvxWtQ8&list=PLoQAJVqvxAfi_bgcgY1GMHPEdyrUBjWu9&index=2 How To Stop Masturbating (Today) 7 Practical Tips To Stop a Masturbation Habit | Dr. Doug Weiss] > Shut down the sources. If you’ve got television, you’ve got an open cell phone, get a porn blocker. Get stuff to stop it coming to you. If you keep the doors of supply open, you’re going to keep using them. Every alcoholic would do the same. If they’re like, Oh I got to stop alcohol, they stop going to the bars. You might have to change relationships. If there’s people sending you e-mails about, you know, big this and big that, and check that out, and do this, and you know go to this thing. You might have to change some relationships. People who struggle with out of control behaviors have to change playmates and play places. And so, if you’re unwilling to do that, You’re unwilling to change. Now, if you cannot make changes in your life, then you need professional help. Get professional help.
  
 
== Components in GYE ==
 
== Components in GYE ==
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* The environment is a huge source of temptation. I found it much easier to stay clean while I was working from home, though I did have some lustful thoughts as I am single and live alone. But because I had fewer distractions around me, I found I was less prone to entertain those thoughts. #shmuel83<ref>https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/354518-Had-a-fall-after-more-than-90-days-clean#354518</ref>
 
* The environment is a huge source of temptation. I found it much easier to stay clean while I was working from home, though I did have some lustful thoughts as I am single and live alone. But because I had fewer distractions around me, I found I was less prone to entertain those thoughts. #shmuel83<ref>https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/354518-Had-a-fall-after-more-than-90-days-clean#354518</ref>
 
* We cannot defeat the yetzer hara now. Forget it, it can't be done. B"H when Moshiach comes, he will remove it from the world, but until that time comes, we just have to learn not to engage with it. As we say each day when reciting the Shema, we must learn to not follow after our heart and after our eyes by which we go astray. If Hashem commanded us to do it, then we are capable of doing it. #shmuel83<ref>https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/354518-Had-a-fall-after-more-than-90-days-clean#354518</ref>
 
* We cannot defeat the yetzer hara now. Forget it, it can't be done. B"H when Moshiach comes, he will remove it from the world, but until that time comes, we just have to learn not to engage with it. As we say each day when reciting the Shema, we must learn to not follow after our heart and after our eyes by which we go astray. If Hashem commanded us to do it, then we are capable of doing it. #shmuel83<ref>https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/354518-Had-a-fall-after-more-than-90-days-clean#354518</ref>
 +
* Getting a filter give me some freedom, some space - so that I don't need to constantly be working to resist viewing things that I have available. I thought about myself like an alcoholic who would not want to have alcohol at home. -''J @ SMART Recovery Phone Meeting.''
  
 
=== Attitude ===
 
=== Attitude ===
Line 57: Line 75:
 
** I try staying off as much as possible. Reason for that is simply because i get triggered from the smallest things even from reading different peoples stories here... I'm close to 50 days clean, 2nd highest every for me since joining gye. By me trying to forget about this whole issue including recovery is what helps me stay clean, I don't read anything triggering etc, my urge to come onto gye is really lust deep down, seeking to have some sort of outlet.[https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/332710-A-struggling-bochur?limit=15&start=225#339200 @Shnitzel and kugel]
 
** I try staying off as much as possible. Reason for that is simply because i get triggered from the smallest things even from reading different peoples stories here... I'm close to 50 days clean, 2nd highest every for me since joining gye. By me trying to forget about this whole issue including recovery is what helps me stay clean, I don't read anything triggering etc, my urge to come onto gye is really lust deep down, seeking to have some sort of outlet.[https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/332710-A-struggling-bochur?limit=15&start=225#339200 @Shnitzel and kugel]
  
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== Research ==
+
== Notes: ==
 +
Some people think of web filters as jail bars that are meant to lock you out of inappropriate websites. It’s better to think of it as a seat belt, as your ally. To quote a GYE member, “Getting a filter gave me some freedom, some space - so that I don't need to constantly be working to resist viewing things that I have available.”
  
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* The “out of sight, out of mind” principle applies to adults, too. One recent study, for instance, found office workers who kept candy in a desk drawer indulged less than when they kept the candy on top of their desks, in plain sight.<ref>https://www.apa.org/topics/willpower</ref>
+
Does Hashem want you to have treif at home? So your kids can control yourself? Should u open an office on a block of prostitutes. Why Yichud? @HashemHelpMe
  
 
== In Torah Sources ==
 
== In Torah Sources ==
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* Concept of הרחקות - since there is no issur of Yichud for a spouse, Chazal decreed that we need other methods to avoid triggers (and perhaps serve as reminders). See סדרי טהרה סי' קצה סקט"ז.
 
* Concept of הרחקות - since there is no issur of Yichud for a spouse, Chazal decreed that we need other methods to avoid triggers (and perhaps serve as reminders). See סדרי טהרה סי' קצה סקט"ז.
 
* See שפתי חיים ח"א בראשית  - פרידלנדר) quoted in [[Preparation]], that even Avrohom Avinu asked Hashem not to give an 11th test, and what we can learn from it.
 
* See שפתי חיים ח"א בראשית  - פרידלנדר) quoted in [[Preparation]], that even Avrohom Avinu asked Hashem not to give an 11th test, and what we can learn from it.
 +
* Re environment - דברי יהושע הלר מאמר ב.
 +
'''עיי'''' ע"ז יז, א ובמפרשים שם - ניזיל אפתחא דבי זונות ונכפייה ליצרין ונקבל אגרא
  
 
== Further Reading ==
 
== Further Reading ==
Line 80: Line 101:
 
** Battle of the Generation Ch 38 - Guidance and Proper Balance in Protecting Ourselves from Desire. (Talks about how much to block)
 
** Battle of the Generation Ch 38 - Guidance and Proper Balance in Protecting Ourselves from Desire. (Talks about how much to block)
 
** Battle of the Generation Ch 39 - Story of journalist who who convinced his kids not to watch movies by putting excrement in a cake...
 
** Battle of the Generation Ch 39 - Story of journalist who who convinced his kids not to watch movies by putting excrement in a cake...
 +
 +
== Summary by @Howard ==
 +
'''Avoidance'''
 +
 +
How it works: Keeps you out of tempting situations
 +
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There are likely to be many cues that are associated with temptation. These could be physical situations, mood states, fatigue or even time of day. Some of these can’t easily be avoided but others can. This is a useful tactic as it helps you identify and be more aware of tempting cues. And, of course, these are typically not unidimensional situations but a combination of factors, like fatigue, and environmental circumstances.
 +
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This will never be foolproof which is why you need some of the urge management strategies outline below, but changing without stimulus control is like trying to quit smoking while keeping a pack of cigarettes in your pocket. You get exhausted of resisting and then fall.
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What to do; Identify the cues associated with temptation and where possible avoid them, or at the very least, minimize your exposure to them.
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So, if your temptation level goes up when you drink too much with certain friends, minimize your drinking and don’t hang out with those people as often, or at all.
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If temptation increases when you’re tired, improve your sleep hygiene and don’t stay up late.
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Examples:
 +
 +
* Reduce Triggers (try to avoid situations that are risky). For example, set a rule not to browse an unfiltered device alone, take your phone into the bathroom or bed, etc.
 +
* Install Web Filters (make it harder to act impulsively)
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* Guard Your Eyes (be more mindful of what you look at outdoors)
 +
 +
Airplane metaphor: Changing your flight path to avoid the storm
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There are other avoidance strategies.
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'''Reduce Triggers''' which means  trying to avoid situations that are risky.  
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 +
The ABC behavioral model stands for Antecedents (triggers), Behavior (habits) Consequences (short-term reinforcement). It could easily be called the TBC model (Triggers, Behavior, Consequences) but that wouldn’t be as memorable.   However, the fact remains that many behaviors, and especially urges are triggered by external and internal situations. So, one way of gaining control is to reduce your exposure to triggers.
 +
 +
Obviously, the first step in this process is to identify the external situations and internal states that can trigger your habit. You probably know the triggers that led to urges and temptation. Avoiding those situations is a key first step in gaining control.
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In addition to, and as part of,  making a commitment to avoid triggers, you need to organize your time and space to make it easier to avoid these triggers. For example, if being online is potentially a trigger, you can install web filters that make it much more difficult to access triggering material. This will, at the very least, buy you some time, and minimize impulsive actions.
 +
 +
A third avoidance support strategy involves being more mindful about what you look at and pay attention to, in general not just while you’re on your devices. What sights and sensory input are triggers for urge-related thoughts and feelings? Magazines with potentially provocative images, clothing stores, certain TV shows could all be potentially triggering. How are you going to avoid them?
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Guarding your eyes will help guide your behavior.
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== Notes ==
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''By @Florin''
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 +
Re: "Cognitive Energetics Theory" (CET), most interventions so far have been in work settings from what I know but CET applies to any goal-driven behavior.
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I will try to explain below how it would translate to the goal of abstaining from porn.
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Based on CET, achieving the goal of abstinence is a function of:  
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1) a driving force pulling the person toward the abstinence trough his goal importance (how important is for a member to stay abstinent, his determination) + the size of his resource pool (energy/fatigue, alertness, self-efficacy, perceived support etc.)
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2) a restraining force pushing the person away from the goal through alternative goals (such as experiencing pleasure, relieving stress), demands (how hard is to resist) and the bias towards not making the effort to resist (to conserve resources).     
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Interventions can target any of these elements. In one CET application, leaders who wrote briefly in the morning about their qualities and life achievements experienced less depletion and improved confidence throughout the day and this effect lasted until evening. This worked, according to CET, by increasing people's resource pool to match or exceed their daily demands.
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Getting back to porn, an intervention based on CET could aim for for example at reducing the "task" demands of abstinence and conserving energy by recommending software that automatically blocks porn sites.
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The strength of competing goals (excitation, pleasure) can be reduced by using other natural rewards such as food or watching a comedy. When close to a relapse, just-in-time reminders of why you want to abstain and the progress made so far would increase goal importance, while having and recalling examples of significant others that have succeeded would increase one's resource pool.
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I will do my best in the future to offer examples of how these theories or tools could translate to the GYE work.
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== Specs ==
 +
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* Reduce Triggers (try to avoid situations that are risky)
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** Learning Curve: High
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** Practice: High
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** Urge Strength: NA
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** Customization: Not in plan builder but later on, maybe what the trigger is? Write some notes - but this will be follow up later (email series for 7 days)
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** Materials: GYE has a worksheet to identify triggers and have solutions for the situations
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** Type: Avoidance
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** Brain Effect: None
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** Easier with Time: No
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** Editor's Choice: No
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* Install Web Filters (make it harder to act impulsively)
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** Learning Curve: Low
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** Practice: None
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** Urge Strength: NA
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** Customization: Choose one
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** Materials: Options for web filters
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** Type: Avoidance
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** Brain Effect: None
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** Easier with Time: No
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** Editor's Choice: Yes
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* Guarding Your Eyes (be more mindful of what you look at outdoors)
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** Learning Curve: Medium
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** Practice: High
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** Urge Strength: -NA
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** Customization: adding notes about what you are going to do, options of what to do
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** Materials: maybe a download of some sort, or email series
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** Type: Avoidance
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** Brain Effect: None
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** Easier with Time: Yes
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** Editor's Choice: Yes
 +
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== Footnotes ==

Latest revision as of 11:14, 28 January 2021

Related Topics

Research & References

  • Unlike some other addictions, the sexually addicted person is almost inescapably bombarded day and night with visual trigger cues to their addiction. The streets throng with sexual cues and, even at home, TV and Internet advertisements tell of the association between sex and success as measured by such things as the value of one’s car. Going to a self-help group might unavoidably put the addicted person in close proximity to precisely the trigger to their addiction, rather as if meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous were to be held in a bar. Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 322). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.
  • Stimulus control entails avoiding or removing triggers for the addictive behavior, or changing the environment in way that helps to avoid the behavior. Examples of the stimulus control process include avoiding bars and drinking buddies, attending events where alcohol is not served, and going to self-help meetings to avoid triggers to drink. For smokers, getting up from the table immediately after eating can be a stimulus control strategy. Banning oneself from casinos is another. Spending time with others in recovery or who do not engage in the addictive behavior also represents stimulus control. DiClemente, Carlo C., Addiction and Change.
  • Examples: - restricting time spent online - switching to service providers that filter content - installing screening software - placing the computer in places that are visible to others. Briken, P., 2020. An integrated model to assess and treat compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Nature Reviews Urology, pp.1-16.
  • Douglas Braun-Harvey MA, MFT, CGP, CST, Michael A. Vigorito LMFT, LCPC, C. (2016). Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction (Vol. 7, Issue 2). Springer Publishing Company. p. 83; p. 268-270.
  • ...The second step directs attention to antecedent manipulations. Here, the clinician and client explore ways to change the environmental/ social conditions in the client’s life. For example, a person addicted to video gaming may be lonely and depressed, and may lack the social skills necessary for meeting new people. In teaching such skills, the clinician would assist the client in identifying the necessary stimulus and reinforcing conditions for meeting new friends. Thombs, D. L., & Osborn, C. J. (2019). Introduction to Addictive Behaviors (Fifth Edit). The Guilford Press. p. 156
  • Restricting time spent online, switching to service providers that filter content, installing screening software or placing the computer in places that are visible to others can be concrete and helpful first steps [38][1]. Briken, P. (2020). An integrated model to assess and treat compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. Nature Reviews Urology, 17. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41585-020-0343-7.
  • The “out of sight, out of mind” principle applies to adults, too. One recent study, for instance, found office workers who kept candy in a desk drawer indulged less than when they kept the candy on top of their desks, in plain sight.[2]
  • If it's not Easy (from EAST) to do it, the likelihood of the behavior decreases. @Florin
    • Atomic habits has a lot on this: A commitment device is a choice you make in the present that controls your actions in the future. It is a way to lock in future behavior, bind you to good habits, and restrict you from bad ones. When Victor Hugo shut his clothes away so he could focus on writing, he was creating a commitment device.* Clear, James. Atomic Habits (p. 170). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
      • In the footnote he adds: This is also referred to as a “Ulysses pact” or a “Ulysses contract.” Named after Ulysses, the hero of The Odyssey, who told his sailors to tie him to the mast of the ship so that he could hear the enchanting song of the Sirens but wouldn’t be able to steer the ship toward them and crash on the rocks. Ulysses realized the benefits of locking in your future actions while your mind is in the right place rather than waiting to see where your desires take you in the moment. Clear, James. Atomic Habits (p. 307). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
      • If a person has a low restraint bias or simply knows of the hot-to-cold empathy gap, they might adopt the solution of taking pre-emptive action when in the cold state in anticipation of the hot state. The classical tale of Odysseus is a perfect illustration of such pre-emptive action. Odysseus did not suffer from a restraint bias, so well in advance, he correctly estimated the lure of the song of the sirens pulling him and his boat to the rocks. Therefore, before getting to the tempting location, he had his sailors tie him to the mast of the ship, so he could not alter its course and be drawn to the sirens. His sailors had their ears bunged up with wax so that they would not hear the sound of the sirens. Toates, Frederick. How Sexual Desire Works (p. 218). Cambridge University Press. Kindle Edition.
      • Rabbi Twerski telling the story - http://wiki.guardyoureyes.com/Stimulus_Control?veaction=edit&section=2.
      • That is also the idea of a Taphsic.
  • Focus on the Prompt to Stop a Habit Fogg, PhD, BJ. Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything (p. 208). HMH Books. Kindle Edition.
  • How To Stop Masturbating (Today) 7 Practical Tips To Stop a Masturbation Habit | Dr. Doug Weiss > Shut down the sources. If you’ve got television, you’ve got an open cell phone, get a porn blocker. Get stuff to stop it coming to you. If you keep the doors of supply open, you’re going to keep using them. Every alcoholic would do the same. If they’re like, Oh I got to stop alcohol, they stop going to the bars. You might have to change relationships. If there’s people sending you e-mails about, you know, big this and big that, and check that out, and do this, and you know go to this thing. You might have to change some relationships. People who struggle with out of control behaviors have to change playmates and play places. And so, if you’re unwilling to do that, You’re unwilling to change. Now, if you cannot make changes in your life, then you need professional help. Get professional help.

Components in GYE

  • Reduce Triggers (try to avoid situations that are risky)
  • Install Web Filters (make it harder to act impulsively)
  • Guarding Your Eyes (be more mindful of what you look at outdoors)

From GYE Members

  • The environment is a huge source of temptation. I found it much easier to stay clean while I was working from home, though I did have some lustful thoughts as I am single and live alone. But because I had fewer distractions around me, I found I was less prone to entertain those thoughts. #shmuel83[3]
  • We cannot defeat the yetzer hara now. Forget it, it can't be done. B"H when Moshiach comes, he will remove it from the world, but until that time comes, we just have to learn not to engage with it. As we say each day when reciting the Shema, we must learn to not follow after our heart and after our eyes by which we go astray. If Hashem commanded us to do it, then we are capable of doing it. #shmuel83[4]
  • Getting a filter give me some freedom, some space - so that I don't need to constantly be working to resist viewing things that I have available. I thought about myself like an alcoholic who would not want to have alcohol at home. -J @ SMART Recovery Phone Meeting.

Attitude

  • I also used to think i want those 'urges' so that i can prove myself, untill i realised, dont we daven every day not to be in a situation of nisayon? and dont chazal tell us a number of times that in theese areas we need the most gedarim. the greatest amoraim stumbled when placed in front of high temptation, i don't quiet class myself better than them! #excellence
  • It is interesting how many people are intimidated with the idea of a filter - "I have to just learn to control myself", but they would never entertain the thought of having a cabinet of treife food in their home and teaching the kids "just control yourself". #HashemHelpMe
  • One piece of advice.. GET A FILTER FOR YOUR COMPUTER!!! This is an absolute must!  Without this, it is like entering a boxing match with one hand tied behind your back! There is no way to win!!  I was struggling for years, my longest clean streak was 35 days, and it wasn't until I got my internet filtered that I improved more than that. Even if a filter costs you money, it is money very well spent! #Yerushalmi[5]

Social Media

  • #Day127 -Thanks for the chizuk. What helps me the most is putting myself in the best situation for me to thrive. Not just in terms of shmiras eynayim and shmiras habris, but also in general in life being in a position that is the most natural for me to succeed and be productive in a healthy and meaningful way. #Realestatemogul
  • Lifee Aniyus Daytee, I think you should delet Twitter. It's a non Jewish platform with so much shmutz, and we all know even if your looking at clean news, or sports... For every 5 minutes spent scrolling through the feed its inevitable that you will see something of pritzus and triggering. Why walk down that path in the first place. I used this same philosophy for myself with music streaming apps. I'm only gonna listen to kosher music, but every so often against my will a new Apple Music artist will be advertised with her picture... Not something someone who is struggling really needs. I deleted Apple Music on my phone and canceled my subscription. For myself I made s concious decision that I'm going to try to make this as easy as possible for me, and when a real fight comes I'll have the energy to say know because those little things were never chipping away at me. I'm also not saying it's an easy decision, in order to be clean we really need to give up a lot. It's usually the small acts that can end up having huge effects in our recovery. Although I might say that that picture isn't your fault, what I will say is that it got you to think about porn... Something that would not have been brought up otherwise. #yosef10[6]

Secular Media

  • My biggest challenge has been reducing the time I spend on secular entertainment (music, TV, sport), as this can also lead to sin if allowed unchecked. I used to listen to music a lot to unwind, and I still do sometimes, but now I am trying to replace the time I used to spend on entertainment with Torah study (listening to kosher speakers only, and davening. Strong mussar (for those who are not so addicted) is like an antibiotic for the yetzer hara. #shmuel83[7]
  • Movies... these ppl get paid millions of dollars to be presented on a screen. And presenting they do. They obv have an allure to them. As ppl who are struggling we have to be extra careful cause this is a pashet trigger(its well disguised as an entertaining movie, but let's call a spade a spade). It's hard to stop all movies and shows, but... at what cost. At least at least if you really want to watch, make sure it clean(IMDB has by every movie something called "parents guide" which goes thru the non clean scenes in a movie. At least if you're going to watch the movie check that out before. Disclaimer: Reading that parents guide itself can be triggering so use it as a last resort if you have to watch(prob better to read it, then see it) and be ready for whats coming). #battle-of-the-gen[8]
  • At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm sure you can find a clean YouTube video. But stay on YouTube long enough, you will get bitten. We've all done / do it. Even videos there purely for entertainment often have immodestly dressed women - not specifically, but just because that's how people dress nowadays. (But also because a pretty girl in skimpy clothing on the thumbnail of a video often attracts millions of views, even if the video is a 'all boys tell jokes around campfire' video.) I'm not preaching, I struggle with this to. I saw a funny clip someone made (I may post it to this site) relating to trouble in this area. It had a caption 'instagram homepage - don't underestimate me!' The point is, often harmless things can easily turn triggers. Just bear it in mind. #Im Tevakshena Kakasef [9]

YouTube/Movies

  • After 8 days of being clean, I succumbed to my urges. It all started the night after day 5. I was watching a very innocent youtube video when all of a sudden, there was a pretty inappropriate scene. I quickly shut it off and overpowered my urges, but by day 8, the thought was still there. I didn't listen to any of the barriers I set for myself and I lost this struggle with the יצר הרע. I guess I should be proud that I was able to overcome those struggles for a few days, but I'm very disappointed in myself overall. #Lessing[10]
      1. DaveM replied: You identified the trigger right there.  In my experience, it's very common for "innocent" youtube videos to contain inappropriate contents or a link to something bad.  One of the hardest choice I had to make in this fight was giving up watching movies and tv shows.  The less contents I see, the less of a chance something bad will cross my vision.  but I dont regret it for one second.
      2. HashemHelpMe: Youtube is a site that unfortunately has caused many to fall. In addition, and excuse my blunt style, exactly how does it happen that an "innocent" video has something inappropriate? The typical movie nowadays has loads of suggestive and arousing material throughout. Typical conversations can be triggering. And let's be honest "lo sasuru acharei einichem" was not said exclusively about pornography. From what you wrote, it appears if not for the youtube incident you would not have fallen. If that is the case buddy, maybe it is time to take the leap and clean up shop that little bit more. Iyh you will not regret it. My apologies if this post is too forward....
      3. Grant400: My friend, I had the same reality check too many times unfortunately. We both know that it wasn't so "innocent". Of course you didn't watch it for that reason but by now we know what will be. I too took the plunge Dave M. mentioned. Was it hard? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Is my life easier because of it? Yes! Yes! Yes! Sometimes the decision is more intimidating than the reality. Deciding not to watch for a while or forever is challenging. But once you take the plunge you will see that the benefits outweigh the sacrifice. We must stop driving ourselves crazy! We try this, do this, decide something else. We "just" this- that etc. We always end up in the same undesired position. We are constantly "shocked" and "upset". It's time to face reality and stop it. Simply take control of ourselves. The time has come. If not we will have a 40 page thread and 40 year of life to go with it, of constant ups and downs with confidence rising and being smashed. Begging for help and making new resolutions. It's now or never. It's trying vs. actually succeeding.
  • I often tell people re Netflix and stam non-Jewish movies, "you do realize that the velos sasuru acharei levavchem veacharei eineichem, wasn't said about pornography, it was said about anything that's inappropriate to see." And that's an eye opening comment to a lot of people that they, that their focus is so has gone to such this abysmal low, they start realizing that, you know, yiddishkeit wasn't here to fight phonography it was here to stop any inappropriate content. #HashemHelpMe

Changing Your Routine

  • Another aspect is to pinpoint when you are triggered like jj123 wrote and try to "diffuse" those situations. For example if it's staying up late then try to go to sleep earlier or get up earlier so you will be more tired at night. If its showering then try to arrange your shower at a time you are in a rush or pressured to finish as quickly as possible for whatever reason. And so on. We must make "tachbulot" to outsmart the yetzer harah. #Grant400

Boundaries

  • I must say my decision to not be on my phone after a certain time by night, really helps! I've also made extra chavrusah's so I have much less time to feel the urges bh, I even have to find the time to go on gye lol. Boredom was what caused me last time to fall.. @Shnitzel and kugel
    • Today is #28 second highest since joining gye, since last fall I've reached such hights! My amount of wasting time has decreased by 3-4 hours each day and my learning has increased to 3-4 hours each day, so not sure if it's such a fall to some extent... My falls were due to me wasting time. @Shnitzel and kugel
    • I try staying off as much as possible. Reason for that is simply because i get triggered from the smallest things even from reading different peoples stories here... I'm close to 50 days clean, 2nd highest every for me since joining gye. By me trying to forget about this whole issue including recovery is what helps me stay clean, I don't read anything triggering etc, my urge to come onto gye is really lust deep down, seeking to have some sort of outlet.@Shnitzel and kugel

Notes:

Some people think of web filters as jail bars that are meant to lock you out of inappropriate websites. It’s better to think of it as a seat belt, as your ally. To quote a GYE member, “Getting a filter gave me some freedom, some space - so that I don't need to constantly be working to resist viewing things that I have available.”

Does Hashem want you to have treif at home? So your kids can control yourself? Should u open an office on a block of prostitutes. Why Yichud? @HashemHelpMe

In Torah Sources

  • See sources in Filters, Shmiras Einayim
  • ר׳ יונה בשערי תשובה, שער שלישי, אות ז: ‏ורוב הזהירות והגדר וההרחקה מן האיסור הלא זה מעקרי היראה. והמרבה להזהר יגיע אל השכר הגדול, כענין שנאמר גם עבדך נזהר בהם בשמרם ‏עקב רב. על כן אמרו חביבים דברי סופרים יותר מיינה של תורה. כי גדריהם ‏וגזרותיהם מעקרי היראה. ‏ומצוות היראה שכר הרבה כנגד מצות רבות, כי היא היסוד להן.
  • ספר החינוך פרשת אחרי מות מצוה קפח: וריבוי פרטי הריחוקין שהזהירו עליהן בענין זה, אבל כלל הדבר הוא שלא יעשה האדם שום דבר בעולם המביאו לידי הרהור בנשים, לא במעשה ולא בדבור ולא שום רמז לקרב דעת האשה הקלה עם דעתו, אלא באשתו לבד. ובענין זה היה מוכיח הנביא אנשי דורו באמרו להם [ירמיהו ה', ח'] איש אל אשת רעהו יצהלו, כלומר לפי דרכם שנראה כאילו אינם מתכוונים לכך ירמזו לנשי רעיהם רמיזות של ניאוף ומגביהין קולם בענין שישמעו אותן הנשים ויתעורר יצרן אל אהבת הנואף. ואין באפשר להגיד פרטי הענינים שידע האדם לעשות לקרב אליו דעת האשה שהוא קל, ולכן הזכירו זכרונם לברכה מהם קצת, ובשאר יזהר כל אחד ואחד לשמור עצמו לפי מה שימצא את גופו, כי השם יראה ללבב. ומכל מקום, לפי הדומה מכל מה שהזהירו זכרונם לברכה אין אדם רשאי לזוז ממוסרם הטוב, ואף על פי שהוא מוצא עצמו חשוך התאוה קצת, לא יאמר כיון שאני מוצא עצמי כן מה איכפת לי אם אסתכל בנשים כי יודע אני בעצמי שלא יתעורר יצרי בכך, שהרבה אמרו כן ונכשלו. ועל זה רמזו זכרונם לברכה באומרם כי היצר בתחילה חלש מאוד והולך ומתחזק על האדם הרבה.
  • תומר דבורה א, ז: רצו בזה שהשב בתשובה לא יספיק לו שיהיה נגדר בעון כגדר הצדיקים מפני שהצדיקים שלא חטאו גדר מעט יספיק אליהם אמנם החוטא שחטא ושב לא יספיק לו גדר מעט אלא צריך להגדיר עצמו כמה גדרים קשים מפני שאותו הגדר המעט כבר נפרץ פעם אחת אם יתקרב שם בקל יפתהו יצרו אלא צריך להתרחק הרחק גדול מאד
  • חיי עולם לסטייפלר ח"ב פ"ט: כי כל העולם הזה מלא נסיונות על כל צעד, וידוע כי בשעת תוקף התאוה מאבד האדם כמעט כל היר"ש לו ולא נשאר כי אם הרושם וכו' ואז כפסע בינו ובין המות רהוא החטא ר"ל. ולזאת עצתו אמונה ועיקר תקנתו להתרחק מאד ממקום העבירה וממקום הגורם ומסבב לעבירה, באופן אשר עשיית העבירה לא יהא מהדברים הקלים גם מכח שלא לשמה עפ"י מדותיו הטבעיות, ואזי עם חיזוק היר"ש ועם התפילה בלב שלם להשי"ת יסייעוהו משמים וכו'" עכ"ל. הובא בוהאר עיננו עמ' סז.
  • Concept of הרחקות - since there is no issur of Yichud for a spouse, Chazal decreed that we need other methods to avoid triggers (and perhaps serve as reminders). See סדרי טהרה סי' קצה סקט"ז.
  • See שפתי חיים ח"א בראשית - פרידלנדר) quoted in Preparation, that even Avrohom Avinu asked Hashem not to give an 11th test, and what we can learn from it.
  • Re environment - דברי יהושע הלר מאמר ב.

עיי' ע"ז יז, א ובמפרשים שם - ניזיל אפתחא דבי זונות ונכפייה ליצרין ונקבל אגרא

Further Reading

  • Broken Windows - The Power of One's Environment. Positive Vision Day 17 (A very nice intro to the topic.)
  • Battle of the Generation Ch. 36-37 - Staying Away & Misconceptions about it.
    • Battle of the Generation Ch 38 - Guidance and Proper Balance in Protecting Ourselves from Desire. (Talks about how much to block)
    • Battle of the Generation Ch 39 - Story of journalist who who convinced his kids not to watch movies by putting excrement in a cake...

Summary by @Howard

Avoidance

How it works: Keeps you out of tempting situations

There are likely to be many cues that are associated with temptation. These could be physical situations, mood states, fatigue or even time of day. Some of these can’t easily be avoided but others can. This is a useful tactic as it helps you identify and be more aware of tempting cues. And, of course, these are typically not unidimensional situations but a combination of factors, like fatigue, and environmental circumstances.

This will never be foolproof which is why you need some of the urge management strategies outline below, but changing without stimulus control is like trying to quit smoking while keeping a pack of cigarettes in your pocket. You get exhausted of resisting and then fall.

What to do; Identify the cues associated with temptation and where possible avoid them, or at the very least, minimize your exposure to them.

So, if your temptation level goes up when you drink too much with certain friends, minimize your drinking and don’t hang out with those people as often, or at all.

If temptation increases when you’re tired, improve your sleep hygiene and don’t stay up late.

Examples:

  • Reduce Triggers (try to avoid situations that are risky). For example, set a rule not to browse an unfiltered device alone, take your phone into the bathroom or bed, etc.
  • Install Web Filters (make it harder to act impulsively)
  • Guard Your Eyes (be more mindful of what you look at outdoors)

Airplane metaphor: Changing your flight path to avoid the storm

There are other avoidance strategies.

Reduce Triggers which means  trying to avoid situations that are risky.  

The ABC behavioral model stands for Antecedents (triggers), Behavior (habits) Consequences (short-term reinforcement). It could easily be called the TBC model (Triggers, Behavior, Consequences) but that wouldn’t be as memorable.   However, the fact remains that many behaviors, and especially urges are triggered by external and internal situations. So, one way of gaining control is to reduce your exposure to triggers.

Obviously, the first step in this process is to identify the external situations and internal states that can trigger your habit. You probably know the triggers that led to urges and temptation. Avoiding those situations is a key first step in gaining control.

In addition to, and as part of,  making a commitment to avoid triggers, you need to organize your time and space to make it easier to avoid these triggers. For example, if being online is potentially a trigger, you can install web filters that make it much more difficult to access triggering material. This will, at the very least, buy you some time, and minimize impulsive actions.

A third avoidance support strategy involves being more mindful about what you look at and pay attention to, in general not just while you’re on your devices. What sights and sensory input are triggers for urge-related thoughts and feelings? Magazines with potentially provocative images, clothing stores, certain TV shows could all be potentially triggering. How are you going to avoid them?

Guarding your eyes will help guide your behavior.

Notes

By @Florin

Re: "Cognitive Energetics Theory" (CET), most interventions so far have been in work settings from what I know but CET applies to any goal-driven behavior.

I will try to explain below how it would translate to the goal of abstaining from porn.

Based on CET, achieving the goal of abstinence is a function of:  

1) a driving force pulling the person toward the abstinence trough his goal importance (how important is for a member to stay abstinent, his determination) + the size of his resource pool (energy/fatigue, alertness, self-efficacy, perceived support etc.)

2) a restraining force pushing the person away from the goal through alternative goals (such as experiencing pleasure, relieving stress), demands (how hard is to resist) and the bias towards not making the effort to resist (to conserve resources).     

Interventions can target any of these elements. In one CET application, leaders who wrote briefly in the morning about their qualities and life achievements experienced less depletion and improved confidence throughout the day and this effect lasted until evening. This worked, according to CET, by increasing people's resource pool to match or exceed their daily demands.

Getting back to porn, an intervention based on CET could aim for for example at reducing the "task" demands of abstinence and conserving energy by recommending software that automatically blocks porn sites.

The strength of competing goals (excitation, pleasure) can be reduced by using other natural rewards such as food or watching a comedy. When close to a relapse, just-in-time reminders of why you want to abstain and the progress made so far would increase goal importance, while having and recalling examples of significant others that have succeeded would increase one's resource pool.

I will do my best in the future to offer examples of how these theories or tools could translate to the GYE work.

Specs

  • Reduce Triggers (try to avoid situations that are risky)
    • Learning Curve: High
    • Practice: High
    • Urge Strength: NA
    • Customization: Not in plan builder but later on, maybe what the trigger is? Write some notes - but this will be follow up later (email series for 7 days)
    • Materials: GYE has a worksheet to identify triggers and have solutions for the situations
    • Type: Avoidance
    • Brain Effect: None
    • Easier with Time: No
    • Editor's Choice: No
  • Install Web Filters (make it harder to act impulsively)
    • Learning Curve: Low
    • Practice: None
    • Urge Strength: NA
    • Customization: Choose one
    • Materials: Options for web filters
    • Type: Avoidance
    • Brain Effect: None
    • Easier with Time: No
    • Editor's Choice: Yes
  • Guarding Your Eyes (be more mindful of what you look at outdoors)
    • Learning Curve: Medium
    • Practice: High
    • Urge Strength: -NA
    • Customization: adding notes about what you are going to do, options of what to do
    • Materials: maybe a download of some sort, or email series
    • Type: Avoidance
    • Brain Effect: None
    • Easier with Time: Yes
    • Editor's Choice: Yes

Footnotes

  1. ↑ Briken, P. & Basdekis- Jozsa, R. [Sexual addiction? When sexual behavior gets out of control]. Bundesgesundheitsblatt Gesundheitsforschung Gesundheitsschutz 53, 313–318 (2010).
  2. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/willpower
  3. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/354518-Had-a-fall-after-more-than-90-days-clean#354518
  4. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/354518-Had-a-fall-after-more-than-90-days-clean#354518
  5. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/355511-My-story-until-now#356312
  6. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/350138-Diary-and-thoughts?limit=15&start=30#350685
  7. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/354518-Had-a-fall-after-more-than-90-days-clean#354518
  8. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/350138-Diary-and-thoughts#350369
  9. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/355511-My-story-until-now#356537
  10. ↑ https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/355511-My-story-until-now#356521
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