Self Observation

See Setbacks, journaling.

GYE has a 90 Day Chart for tracking successes and setbacks. There is also a personalized printable chart available.

Notes

• For young teens see Life Skills: Present Focus for an alternative approach.

From GYE Members

• i made a commitment to update my chart every day. it takes a few minutes. don't have much patients many times. that helps a lot to keep my motivations high. going to reach 50 days tomorrow. @Anonymous.
• You probably can find a post or two of mine years ago where I (probably after fallin' after a 180-day streak or somethin' like that) was advocatin' that the accumulative days are are even more important than the current streak, and I still maintain that position, but meanwhile gye doesn't agree (or it's on the queue to fix somewhere after the let'letters that mysteriously appear in my posts), and for us to actually type our past days out demonstrates a lack of humility and that hinders recovery. @Cordnoy
  • Once again, if there is merit in countin', it is my (not so humble) opinion that there should be two counts recorded: one an indicator of a streak (for that builds momentum, even though at times it can beI misleadin', for there's white-knucklin' involved and finger-bitin' etc. and no real concrete change), and another number demonstratin' the amount of days/years one has been tryin' to kick thisI habit, addiction, yetzer hara, escapism, whatever the hell you'd like to call it. @Cordnoy
• For many people it is demoralizing to view themselves at 0 after so much hard work. Even more important, it is simply not true. If someone falls once after lets say 100 days, why does he "go back to start"? He did not binge for a few days nor did he hide behind a veil of dishonesty. He immediately posted, cleaned himself up, and continued "climbing the mountain". To accommodate GYE rules, the official counter is at 0, but for his own understanding as to where he is really at, he is nowhere near 0. Keeping both numbers seems to be a great idea. The GYE number to publicly be honest, and the continuing number as a momentum to build on. Any comments? @HashemHelpMe
• I feel OK BH. I think this is largely due to the fact that I didn't have an all or nothing approach going in and was more committed to keeping track of how I'm doing vs. reaching x amount of days (I guess I got that approach from reaching 90 and beyond many times and not finding that my urges disappeared  ). @Ihavestrength
• I have't done 90 yet (at least since i joined the program) but even if logically you may be correct that it may not necessarily work. It's kedai to point out that many have posted here after going hundreds of days there is no magic in 90-although obviously the longer we abstain the weaker the urge/need becomes and there probably is something to the 90 day term-but at the end of the day even if there may noy be a "addiction" and neurological pathways have changed that still wont cancel the habits we have had over many years plus the physical pleasure we receive plus good old יצר הרע which are all working together to make us fall again, so i think overall definitely sticking to the chart adds a HUGE incentive to stay clean/not to have to start over, and as a reminder about how far we've come.Keep up the battle either way! @דרך ישר
• For post 90 days: Using the one day at a time approach along with upcoming goals, be they Chanuka, 100 days, Rosh Chodesh etc was very helpful for me. @HashemHelpMe
• This is a bit of a dangerous one. This is a pretty good deterrent since you don't want to have to restart your count. But some people find that this becomes their focus, and also if you fall than if it means too much to you then it can become very hard to get up afterwards. I think that the key is to just use it as chizzuk that you managed to make it so far and if you fall ch"v then remember that the streak is still with you forever. Another danger is that it can cause you to feel very confident and get lulled into a false sense of security, to this we have to remember to always be on guard even after 1,000 days clean, imho this is what chaza"l mean by "ain apitropus l'arayos" (there is no guardian in areas of immorality).That no matter how good we are the danger is still there. @Inastruggle

Benefits

• Download the printable 90 day chart and cross off days. Either on your phone using a pdf editing app (my personal choice) or on a paper. It gives me a sense of time that I find helpful. @Ihavestrength
• Great points made by @hhm and @DY I would just like to add a point. Even if you are not using it as a motivation, it's good to keep track just to see how your recovery is going. I personally do nt update every day so as not to get obsessed, but I feel it's important to keep track to see if there are patters. Bezrat hashem the only pattern you should have is staying clean. @hakolhevel

Criticism

Downsides of focusing on 90

• At first the 90 day chart and counting consecutive days was inspiring. Not anymore. For me it just makes falling feel like failing. What I need is the opposite, I am finished with that feeling of failure. For me falling isn't failing. My goal isn't not falling anymore. my goal is to be better then I was yesterday and tomorrow, to be better then today. The 90 day chart is just an ego booster or buster for me. Don't get me wrong, I use the chart as a powerful tool but for me I need to put it into context with my general growth as I progress through my journey.

Don't Count Days (From Daily Dose of Dov)

By @Dov

If I Look Down, I'll Fall and Die

Counting the days we are clean can be wonderful for some, but I hope you realize that it can also be - deep within our hearts - a counting of how long we can actually tolerate the (inevitable) buildup until the next time we act out. I believe this is very frequent. It is exactly like climbing up a ladder. I am afraid of heights. If I look back down as I am climbing, once I get to an impossibly high height, my hands and feet begin to shake. I know that I would fall.... so I never climb that high! How high do you want to climb in sobriety? If you are looking back, you will not get very high. We all know that being sober 5 years in a row is just plain impossible... for each of us, the last barrier is the "impossible height". Sure it's BS, but our feelings do not care about sechel very much. It's our Reality, so why pit ourselves against so powerful an adversary?

Instead, my experience in sobriety is like that of a guy walking across an abyss on a 2x8. Now, I have no trouble at all balancing on a 2x8 if I see it's on the floor! But if I see that it is suspended between two high buildings I will certainly panic, lose my balance, fall, and die. Looking down is just plain ossur. So I don't. And I do not count.

For about three years, I didn't mention my starting date in the groups. I'd just introduce myself and say , "...and I am grateful for today's sobriety"... till my sponsor suggested I start saying my starting date (Feb 28th, 1997) in order to encourage newbies that it really is possible.

Benjamin Franklin's Virtues Chart (recommended in Sefer Cheshbon Hanefesh).

Cheshbon Hanefesh Chart

• 

  The chart as it appears in Cheshbon Hanefesh p. 80. In Siman 24-27 he explains how to use it.
  In Ch. 24 of "Cheshbon Hanefesh" (with Haskama of R' Yisroel Salanter) he has an example of a weekly and quarterly charts for various character traits. He suggest writing a 'dot' for each instance of problematic behavior, right after the behavior occurs. In Ch. 26, he suggest reviewing the daily chart on Motzoei Shabbos and updating the weekly chart. He also suggest a yearly review, so that you can see your progress.
  • See below (in the Torah Sources section) from בואו חשבון that this chart concept was invented by Benjamin Franklin.
  • 

    Shmiras Einayim chart in Windows of the Soul p. 81.
    In Windows of the Soul (p. 81), he has a chart like this for Shmiras Einayim.

Confidentiality

• Sefer Chassidim (see below) writes that the journal should be written with hints, so that no one else should understand it. Note that Benjamin Franklin's version has abbreviations (and there are also versions where the first column has only one letter). By tracking multiple things (e.g. 10 rows including other goals, no one will know what P. & M. mean. There are also many other ways to do it, for example a diagonal line (/) can be added in any calendar for Masturbation and an X can be added for Porn. Additional /'s or x's can be added if there was more than one instance. @Editor.

In Maintaining Kedusha

Rabbi Avi Landau writes in Maintaining Kedushah:

Making a chart is almost always a good first tangible step to take. It is easy to do, which allows the person struggling to feel like they can do this; they can get started with this work. It also provides information for the person creating it, as well as for the person helping. However, it is a mistake to think that that is all it does. Most of the time the bad or unhealthy decisions we make repeatedly, are made thoughtlessly. We almost “shut off” our brains and simply go through the motions of, enjoying the piece of cake or piece of loshon hara etc. We usually don’t “wake up” until the behavior is done. Perhaps this is part of what Chazal refer to when describing a person doing an aveira as having a ruach shtus come over him. Charting helps in this area. Recording on a piece of paper or any other recording device, each time the unwanted behavior was performed, with the date and time, and any possible trigger, can start to raise consciousness. It forces the person daily or perhaps multiple times a day, to stay cognizant of this behavior. It becomes harder and less likely that they will smoothly and automatically go into that thoughtless mindset. The recording also allows for patterns to be seen and for a more accurate picture of the current frequency. Additionally, simply knowing that when I do this, I will have to write it down, acts as its own deterrent. I have had situations where someone wanted to stop doing something and simply charting it for a few weeks, allowed him to stop the behavior. Charting also allows for small and large successes to be recorded.

No matter what the area you are working on, it will be hard. Recognizing even small successes and celebrating them is crucial. Whether you are working on something with someone else helping you, or by yourself, you can look at your chart and notice improvement. Perhaps it is an increase of time in delaying, or a decrease in frequency altogether, either way recognize it and see yourself growing. Hashem wants us to try our best; simply staying focused and putting effort in, makes Him so proud! Always keep in mind that every time an urge is resisted it is a success.

[...] As mentioned, charting helps on multiple levels (see this concept in the general discussion on self-control). Details in the chart could include, the date and time, location, possible trigger, and intensity of the urge (e.g. 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest). However, every case is different and over time certain details will appear to be more applicable to track than others.

[...] Here we would like to once again emphasize that charting can be counterproductive if the bochur is still in the midst of struggling with strong feelings of shame (I am a bad person). As mentioned above, a necessary previous step is to normalize the struggle, and highly encourage/compliment the bochur for even approaching the topic altogether. If the bochur feels like he is normal, that this isn’t really different from working on any other aveira, e.g. loshon hara, and that he is making Hashem and everyone around him proud for every little step he takes, whether he succeeds or temporarily stumbles, then charting can be beneficial. In fact, it allows for a more tangible celebration of such small successes which can be highly motivating.

Torah Sources

See also sources in Journaling.

• שבת דף יב עמוד ב: אמר רבי ישמעאל בן אלישע: אני אקרא ולא אטה. פעם אחת קרא ובקש להטות. אמר: כמה גדולים דברי חכמים, שהיו אומרים לא יקרא לאור הנר! רבי נתן אומר: קרא והטה וכתב על פנקסו: אני ישמעאל בן אלישע קריתי והטיתי נר בשבת, לכשיבנה בית המקדש אביא חטאת שמנה.
• ספר חסידים (מרגליות) סימן כא: חסידים הראשונים היו כותבים באגרת עונותיהם כשהיו חוטאים כדי להתודאות על חטאתם וכדי שיזכור ויתחרט ויעשה תשובה מפני שזוכר עונותיו שהוא עתיד ליתן דין וחשבון עליהם ויעשה תשובה ולפיכך טוב לכותבם לקיים מה שנאמר (תהלים נ"א ה') וחטאתי נגדי תמיד. וזוכר יום המיתה וגיהנם ויום הדין ולבסוף אהבת שמים כי היא מובחרת. אך ברמז יכתבם שלא ימצאם שום אדם. ומה שאמרו חציף מאן דמפרש חטאי' זהו שמגיד לכל אשר חטא אבל מותר להגיד לאדם צדיק וצנוע אחד מעונותיו כדי שיורה לו האיך יעשה תשובה. או ישאל לו סתם אדם שעשה עון זה ובא לשוב האיך יעשה תשובה.
• דהנה מדרך הצדיקים מארי דחושבנא לכתוב בכתב כל מה שפגמו ח"ו וקבעין להם יום א' בשבוע או עכ"פ יום א' בחודש להתבודד במקום מיוחד שלא יראוהו בנ"א לעשות חשבון הנפש לחשבוב ולמבדק בכל מעשיו ועניניו שבינו לבין קונו ית"ש ועל מה בא לעוה"ז, וישים אל לבו באיזה מעמד הוא עומד, ומה שעליו לתקן... ואפשר לומר שע"ז רומז המקרא קודש שלפנינו... ויבא הביתה לעשות מלאכתו כפי' התרגום למבדק "בכתבי חושבני'" פי' יום המיוחד הקבוע לו למבדק בכתב ידו על חשבון הנפש וחשב עם קונהו ית"ש... (בית אשר, גרינצויג, ח"א וישב עמ' סג)
• אחר כך קמו הדורות המאוחרות מהן הרבה שלא הספיקו להם התקנות הראשונות עוד והמציאו ענין 'חשבון הנפש' והיא תחבולה יקרה לאדם שכבר נכשל בדבר אחד שיחוקק חטאתו נגדו תמיד לעגמת נפש שעל ידי כן ינצל מלהכשל בהם שנית עוד. והנה לאותן בעלי המצאה ההיא, היה מספיק עדיין חשבון מחשבי של ראשי דברים, והיו שוהין שעה אחת שהיתה פנויה להם לחשבון ההוא בכל יום. בדורות שאחריהן הוצרכו לרושמם בספרים ומדור לדור התחילו לפרט חטאיהם בכתב יותר ויותר, עד שלא נשאר להם פנאי לעבודה העיקרית, מפני המלאכה הטפלה הזאת שאינה אלא דרך לעבודה. (חשבון הנפש, לפין, עמ' כז)
  • See Yated, מוסף שבת קודש תשנ"ז 51 שופטים p. 15-16 with some troubling info about the author. The book בואו חשבון defends him, but in page 11 writes the idea for this chart comes from a book by Benjamin Franklin. See here for more. See also here.
  • The edition by Mosad Harav Kuk (page 5 and on) defends the author, mentions that the chart concept was also mentioned by דברי יהושע by R' Yehoshua Heller (talmid of R' Yisroel Salanter) maamor 1 end of ch. 1, and in ch. 8. And also in maamor 2 ch. 5, as well as Chosen Yeshoshua Maamor 2 Ch. 8.
  • An English translation of the book is available at Feldheim and on Amazon.
• See קונטרס חשבון הנפש בכתיבה where he gives examples for a journal.