Setbacks

להעתיק מוהאר עיננו עמוד עא - עח.

Positive Vision Day 83 talks about the AVE. (Like they say regarding dieting: The success of a diet depends on staying away from the second cookie.)

See Drop The Rope Expert Interview Dr. Joshua Grubbs - Perceived Pornography Addiction for a great balanced approach.

In Research

• Armitage (2005) showed that lapses had important consequences for future performance. In his study, behavior was assessed in weekly blocks and a lapse was defined as not attending for a week. This is markedly different from the single missed opportunities we have assessed. These findings can easily sit side-by-side and suggest that missing one opportunity does not preclude habit formation, but missing a week’s worth of opportunities reduces the likelihood of future performance and hinders habit acquisition. Lally et al (2010)
  • See there that a missed opportunity is defined as missing once after three days.
• Lew-Starowicz2020: "One of the key components of CBT is modification of dysfunctional beliefs which mediate reactions for certain situations causing specific emotional states. For example, if an individual with CSB has a belief that any kind of sexual behavior is a relapse cancelling his previous effort of abstaining from problematic behaviors, then facing such a relapse carries a high risk of shame, mood decrease, and feeling of hopelessness, which may result in long-term binge behavior as a temporary coping strategy for these emotions. The same situation could look completely different if the mentioned individual would have a belief that recovery from CSB is a longitudinal process and each day without problematic behaviors is a valuable experience and relapses may happen as a part of the healing process. In such a situation, similar relapse may cause much less difficult emotions, and it will be easier to choose more adaptive way to cope with them, for example, by social distraction or other forms of constructive behaviors."

Torah Sources

• In Cheshbon Hanefesh, Lapin, Ch. 31, he differentiates between a slip and a "sunset" שקיעה, i.e. negative trends. He talks about taking it easy (מנוחת הנפש בכדי שלא יתייאש). Trying to use it as a learning opportunity, study the trend (מהירות מהלך השקיעה), try to reach stability or to slow the downward spiral (עמידת מהלך השקיעה או עמידת מהלך מהירתו), and then turn it around.
• Zos Brisi Ch. 8: The Chofetz Chaim writes: Though one has been vanquished by the yetzer hara many, many times, he should not say, “What strength do I have to do battle with my yetzer hara? I see that he overpowers me and that I have no strength to wage war against him.” In this way, he gives up all hope of overpowering his yetzer hara, he lets down his guard regarding sin completely and follows the yetzer hara’s incitements. One should know that by doing this, he is placing himself in grave danger.... Rather, he must gather all his spiritual strength and wage war at every moment with his yetzer hara. Sometimes the yetzer hara will prevail and sometimes he will prevail... In the end, he will overpower his yetzer hara and drive it completely from his heart. As our Sages have taught, “One who seeks to purify himself will be granted Heavenly assistance.” (Shabbos 104a.) Once he seeks to purify himself from his sins, Heaven will assist him and ultimately, he will gain the upper hand. (The Chofetz Chaim in Zechor L’Miriam) This last point is most important. Someone who truly seeks to improve his ways and makes the initial effort is guaranteed siyata diShmaya, assistance from Hashem. Hashem will lead the person by the hand, paving the path of teshuvah before him. What had seemed impossible only a short while ago will suddenly seem within reach. It is for us to make the effort, and then Hashem will ensure that we do not falter until we have achieved a complete teshuvah and will be in full control of our passions and thoughts. It is within everyone’s power to take that first step.
• אולי קשור: הדברים שלומדים מגנב - אם לא מצליח מנסה שוב

Beware of despair

• See Rav Shlomo Wolbe, The Steipler
• See Chapter 9 - "Don't Despair" in The Battle of the Generation
• Positive Vision Day 44 (Summarizes the The Steipler's letter about how setbacks don't erase our successes, and how eventually we'll win.)
• Zos Brisi Ch. 9 - Don't give up.
• Ch. 19 - Losing the Battle, Winning the War.

Articles

• Before and after by Rabbi Twerski
• “Bittersweet” - Climbing Out of Depression (This is genius. Turn atzvus into merirus. based on Tanya - embrace the negative emotions and and harness the energy as a means of bettering my situation.)

Let go of the past

• ויאמר המלט על נפשך אל תביט אחריך..... ההרה המלט פן תספה- הרמז לכל אדם שאומרים לו תמיד המלט על נפשך מיצה"ר ובאיזה מצב שרק נמצא אל תביט אחריך על העבר שלא היה טוב שיצה"ר רוצה בזה לייאש את האדם ואל תעמוד שלא יישאר לעמוד במקומו אלא ההרה המלט פן תספה" [לב שמחה אמרים פר' וירא]

• כשנופל אדם ממדרגתו ידע שמן השמים הוא, כי התרחקות תחילת התקרבות, ע"כ נפל שיתעורר יותר להתקרב להש"י, ועצתו שיתחיל מחדש ליכנס בעבודת ה'. כאלו לא התחיל עדיין כלל מעולם. וזה כלל גדול בעבודת ה' שצריכין ממש בכל יום להתחיל מחדש (ליקוטי מוהר"ן תורה רסא). היום אם בקולו תשמעו, זה כלל גדול בעבודת השם, שלא ישים לנגד עיניו כ"א אותו היום, הן בעסק פרנסה והצטרכותו, צריך שלא יחשוב מיום לחבירו כמובא בספרים, וכן בעבודתו יתברך לא ישים לנגד עיניו כי אם אותו היום ואותו השעה, כי כשרוצין ליכנס בעבודת ה', נדמה להאדם כאלו הוא משא כבד, ואי אפשר לו לישא משא כבד כזו. אבל כשיחשוב שאין לו רק אותו היום, לא יהיה לו משא כלל, וגם שלא ידחה את עצמו מיום ליום, לאמר מחר אתחיל, מחר אתפלל בכוונה ובכח כראוי, וכיוצא בזה בשאר העבודות, כי אין לאדם בעולמו כ"א אותו היום ואותו השעה שעומד בו, כי יום המחרת הוא עולם אחר לגמרי. היום אם בקולו תשמעו, היום דייקא, והבן. (שם תורה רעב).
• See also Every Win Counts
• See אספקלריא 130 כי תבוא תשעז קלאר - ווארט יפה בשם אבי הרה"ק מרוזין זי"ע: וא"כ מהו באמת העצה והדרך לזאת גילה לנו הרה"ק דער גרויסע ר' שלום זי"ע מפרעבישט אבי הרה"ק מרוזי"ן זי"ע ובנו של רבי אברהם המלאך זי"ע במשל נפלא מישהו שנופל בטיט לח ומתחיל לנקות עצמו הרי בדרך כלל במקום להצליח להסיר הטיט ממנו יגרום להטיט להתפשט יותר ויותר ואדרבא אם יסיח דעתו ממנה ויחכה עד שיתקשה אז ברגע קטן ינענע עצמו ויפול הטיט היבש מעליו וכמו כן הרבה פעמים כאשר האדם נכשל בחטא במקום להתעסק אז בדרכי התשובה של יגון וצער וכו' ירויח יותר להסיח דעתו ממנה לגמרי הרהור תשובה ולא תו לא מידי ורק לאחר זמן יחזור לשוב עליו במצות תשובה וברגע קטן יצליח לנקות עצמו ונשמתו וכבר פירשו בזה הכוונה בהגמרא יומא הרהורי עבירה קשין מעבירה זאת אומרת עצם ההרהור שחושב אודות מה שעשה ונכשל לפעים עוד יותר גרוע מעצם העבירה כי העבירה ראשונה הבעל דבר גנב ממנו לחמניה אולם עי"ז לפעמים מצליח רח"ל לנקות אותו מהרבה עבודת ד'

Learning from the Fall

• See מדריגת האדם - https://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=41717&st=&pgnum=174&hilite=

Yerida Tzorech Aliya

ברכת פרץ, פרשת במדבר, שכ’ וז”ל-- באמת עצם ההשתדלות עצמו היא עבודה קדושה וחשובה לפני המקום ב”ה, ( שהרי הוא עוסק בעבודתו ית’ שמו, ואפילו אילו יהא מצבו כך כל ימי חייו, זהו תכליתו בעולמו, וכש”כ שבאמת לא לעולם יהא מצבו ככה, כי סוף סוף זוכה לסייעתא דשמיא ויהא לבו ער לעבודתו ית”ש בלא דחיפות תכופות שע”י נפילות, ונמצא, שהנפילות הללו וירידה זו צורך עלייה הוא ]אכן יש בזה סכנה גדולה, כי רבים נפלו ונשאר שבורים וצריך לבקש רחמים רבים להנצל מזה[, ומיד כשחוזר ומתחזק לעלות תמיד במעלות הקודש, יש תועלת רב בהנפילות הללו; עכ”ל.

Hashem sometimes orchestrates a fall

''הבעש''ט ז''ל אמר על הפסוק הוא ינהגנו על מות מלשון עלמות כמו שמלמדין התינוק לילך מחזיקין אותו קצת וכשהתינוק יכול לילך קצת מרחיקין ממנו קצת וכשיכול יותר מרחיקין ממנו יותר הגם שלפעמים נופל אחר כך אף א על פי כן זה רצון האב שיפול ויעמיד את עצמו וזה פירוש הפסוק בשכבך ובקומך דהיינו תיכף  כשתשכב יעמוד אז ועל יפול מזה לזה וזהו כרע שכב כארי'' [אמרי אמת פר' כי תבא כז/ח]

See also Positive Vision Day 80 for a similar idea.

Chizuk from GYE Members

Every moment counts

• I realize that the difference between all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate small successes. Every time that I felt the YH strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that I would inevitably get depressed and feel that I wasted my time and effort (and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasure opportunities along the way). But in my short time on his program, however, and by reading the handbooks, I have come to appreciate every moment as an accomplishment. This is true in terms of Zechuyos and in terms of steps towards recovery. Also, by reading about the progression of this disease I can realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time, whether I am counting days or not. I truly hope that this journey is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has lead me to be part of this wonderful forum. @Hoping

Don't roll down the mountain

• Imagine a guy is climbing a mountain for 23 days, he's high up. Then he falls in a ditch, and he bangs himself all up. He gets the choice now: He can either to roll down the hill, and be back at square one. Or he can get up, sit on the edge of the ditch which he fell into it. He can bandage his knees, he can enjoy the scenery while he recuperates from them. The same thing is with you. You kept yourself clean for 23 days, which you never did before. And now you watched pornography and masturbated. You didn't roll down the hill. You're in control. You're able to deal with this. We're all human. We all slip and fall once in a while. It's okay. Move on, get up and move on. This time you might go 40 days until you slip. And you'll keep getting better. The GYE chart might say 40 days, but you're really 63. Some guys binge after a fall, they'll spend six days up till four in the morning, watching pornography and masturbating until can't produce any more sperm. And then they reach out for help. They just rolled down to the bottom of the Hill. #HashemHelpMe
• A wonderful user here called "sleepy" just recently wrote something beautiful. "You didn't fail, you fell". Remember, falling down after a month of climbing means you are still way, way up the mountain already. #Grant400

Look at the trends

• Keep their own cheshbon of porn and masturbation. Because sometimes you have guys that have b"h stopped porn and they just can't yet stop the masturbation, specifically, single guys. Don't look at it that you're at a zero now. Look at it that masturbation is starting again. But pornography, you're there for 150 days. You haven't watched porn in half a year, isn't that incredible? Go back two years ago, you used to watch it every day for three hours. You've made incredible progress. You've got to compare yourself to the past. #HashemHelpMe
• When guys fall, I also like tell them statistics. I said, okay, fine. So you saw now after 23 days, so that means that in the period of a year, you may do it about 15 times. Compare that to the past - you used to do it 15 times in two weeks! Which means that you used to do it 315 a year, figure out the math... With a lot of people it's just אין חבוש מתיר עצמו מבית האסורים, they need someone else for logic. Just to point out to them what their up to. Here's what I often say: If you had a Baal Teshuva friend, he's starting to keep Mitzvos and everything else. And he drives past the McDonald's and he's all excited. And he goes in and he eats a cheeseburger. What are you gonna tell him? That he's an oisvorf? That's he's finished? Or are you going to tell him, look, "you didn't go to McDonald's the last 132 days. Okay. This is the last time you went, let's move on." Or let's take Shmiras Shabbos. There are 39 Melachos, with so many details and the guy messes up with one thing. Are you gonna tell that he's an oisvorf? No. You're gonna tell him that Rome wasn't built in a day, and Yiddishkeit is about constant growth. And you were given an, this area more than let's say me. And you were given this nisoyon in this area more than me, because I grew up being Shomer Shabbos, so it doesn't enter my mind to turn a light switch. And iy"h you're going to get there. Keep on going, look where you're up to! It's amazing. So why won't you tell that to yourself? Why when it comes to pornography and masturbation, is it all or nothing. #HashemHelpMe
• One last point. I find it incredible how when being in touch with one who has fallen after a long streak, how besides the initial understandable disappointment, there is so much blinding yi'ush. Here is a guy who went from acting out numerous times a week - let's say 200 times a year, or more, and has gone to 1, 2, or 3 times a year. If that is not a success, what is? What is so shocking is that when you point out this obvious fact, the response is almost always," Hey, you are right! Thanks. Now I can get back on track". Why can't people see this themselves? Curious if anyone can explain. #Higher

Setbacks are part of the process

• We are rooting for you and you can do it!!! SHEVA yipol tzadik vkam. Good people FALL more than once and that itself is how we grow to great heights! I am no at 270 days clean and my last streak was 272...BUT I fell in between MANY times....Don't be down about a fall even if you had one back to back. KNOW that Hashem wants you to succeed and that you have the ability to do so! Seva Yipol Tzadik...VKAM. If you keep giving it your best, then eventually you WILL get back up. #Realestatemogul
• A long post on this by @Sonoftheking.

Dealing with the AVE

• Here's an idea I use to stop the continuing effect of a fall. Do something that says to you that it's over. Meaning, that if you fall again or are tempted to fall again it is like falling for the first time of a new round and not a continuous fall from the past time. For example, take a shower, give tzedaka or learn a bit of mussar and say to Hashem "I am starting over". Create anything or invent any idea that says clearly that the past behavior is over. I'm starting anew. What this does is, it stops the feeling of "If I fall again nothing changed, when I stop I'll start over". It gives you the guilt of breaking a new streak instead of feeling discouraged and continuing the original fall. #Grant400
• In my experience the most difficult part of the battle is getting back up after a fall. By far. It's not easy, and requires a boatload of resolve. But you've done it before and you can do it again. #Jj123

Get right back up

• in June I fell ending a 10 month streak. Try to bounce back - before you know it you can regain the momentum. It's very helpful to have someone to call to get through this periodwhen the nasty feelings of  Yiush starts making noise in your head. @i-man

Links to check

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vJRopau0g0

Summary by Howard

It is almost a truism that great change is created by small steps and that setbacks are inevitable. Your reaction to setbacks is critical. You don’t want to dismiss them, neither do you want to over-exaggerate them. We learn as much by our slips as we do by our successes. And remember the key point: you are actively engaged and committed to  changing your behavior.

If something doesn’t work out the way you had intended, here are some questions to consider:

• What happened that I didn’t expect?
• What can I do differently the next time, that would increase the chances of success?
• What is/are the lesson(s) from this experience?

Notes

• There's a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote. And it goes like this: "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly." Listening to Shame