Hesech Hadaas

Note: This approach can work work for very light cases. i.e. very infrequent porn, and masturbation that is not out of control.

Ozer Bigevura

[Section I, Ch. 3, Step Three: Acquire Heseich Hada’as]

This is the most important step towards overcoming this struggle. Usually, if a person is faced with a challenge, the strategy to overcome it is by working hard to get it under control. However, in this area, such a strategy will not work. In fact, the opposite is true: When a person tries to control a thought, he is essentially bringing to mind the very topic that he was trying to rid himself of, which causes his mind to explore it further. For example, if someone tells himself not to think about an elephant, then just mentioning those words will bring the image of an elephant to mind. This idea holds true both with regards to inappropriate thoughts, as well as improper sights. A bachur should always remember the Golden Rule: Any time you think about not thinking or seeing it, then “it” is already in your mind.

The following anecdote illustrates this idea:

There was once a man who was extremely careful with shemiras einayim. Whenever he went outside, he would look at the ground, so as not to inadvertently see a woman. Everything went fine and well for this individual, until the inevitable happened. To his dismay, the man inadvertently bumped into a... street pole! He immediately ran to his Rebbe with a worried look on his face and exclaimed, “Rebbe, I’m trying so hard not to look at anything I shouldn’t, and now I’ve just bumped into a woman!” The Rebbe responded, “I don’t understand. For my entire life, I’ve been trying to train myself that if I ever bump into a woman, I should think that it’s a pole. And you’ve turned every pole into a woman?!”

How, then, should one deal with inappropriate thoughts and sights? They should be treated as if they are a bag of garbage, waiting for the garbage collector to come. Just as you wouldn’t open the garbage bag to investigate if there’s something good there, so, too, a person should work on himself to consider these thoughts and sights as if they are nothing and just continue on his way. The focus should be to continue on with ‘business as usual’ without even analyzing what just happened.

At times, a person who is trying to control himself will want to double-check if he truly saw something that he shouldn’t have seen. This stems in part from curiosity and in part from an earnest desire to check whether or not he saw that which he thought he had seen. However, behaviors like these are like cheese in a mouse trap; they look innocent, but end up entrapping a person in a place he wishes he had never entered.

Even if the bachur senses that he may have thought or seen something wrong, he should not go back to check what it was. The previous Toldos Aharon Rebbe ztz”l explains this exact idea in a letter to a person who was bothered by improper thoughts. The Rebbe quoted the Satmar Rebbe ztz”l as saying:

“Don’t think about what you just thought or saw. Whatever was done is considered a shogeig, but going back to check is considered a meizid.”

Instead, a person should give the thoughts and urges as much significance as a speck of dirt, and not be curious about them or let them linger on in his mind.

Along this vein, there are a number of behaviors that at first glance seem virtuous, but will ultimately cause more harm than good because they cause the bachur to open up the ‘bag of garbage’. If a bachur falls into any of the following thinking patterns, then his mind can very easily be dragged into exploring this topic further. (Almost all of these ideas are mentioned by Rav Shlomo Wolbe ztz”l.)

• Being overly careful-- A person has to be cautious, but being overly careful will create more of a problem.
• Worrying that it might happen again-- Worrying that it might happen again can cause one to further act out. One should therefore distance himself from these worries and thoughts, and treat them with the same severity as he would treat the bad thoughts themselves.
• Learning what is wrong with it-- Learning about this topic increases a person’s awareness of the issue. At certain times, this may be beneficial, but it typically backfires and causes one to think about the aveirah in a detrimental way. Therefore, while studying what is wrong about it may seem like a mitzvah, it is usually just a trap.
• Thinking about how other people deal with it-- This may also sound like a valid reason to think about it, but it again is usually just a trap.
• Being involved in teshuvah right after a person does it-- Doing teshuvah soon after a person was nichshal will cause more damage than good. Even teshuvah has to have the correct time and place. (See the end of this chapter for the ideal time that teshuvah should be performed.)
• Wishing that the whole problem would end-- This desire is also a problem. The proper attitude should rather be, “I’ll deal with it when it comes, but for now, I’m not going to give it any attention and will just get busy with something else.”

Many bachurim will have a difficult time accepting the idea that they must stop trying to control their yetzer hora. A bachur might say, “What do you mean? How is it going to go away by itself? There’s an entire list of gashmiyus- and ruchniyus-related reasons for why I must stop. If I don’t try to control it, it will happen more frequently, and I’ll be in an even bigger mess! Are you trying to tell me that I should never do anything about this? Never learn any mussar about it? Never do teshuvah?!”

The response to this argument is that a person certainly has to do his utmost to make sure that nothing improper happens, and, of course, teshuvah is important. However, a bachur must know that he cannot follow his own method in dealing with this problem. It should be stressed to him that as frume Yidden, everything in our avodas Hashem must be done with a mesorah. A bachur may think that he has the answer to his problems or the right path for doing teshuvah, yet he could be making very big mistakes. It is therefore important to do everything together with an older, more experienced person, who has a clear seichel and mesorah from a Rebbi. If not, a person could cause himself even more damage.

The proper method for doing teshuvah

If the bachur wants to deal with this issue, then he should schedule a set time for cheshbon hanefesh. For example, he should write on the calendar that next Tuesday at 10 pm, he will dedicate some time for this issue, by learning something pertaining to this nisayon or speaking to his Rebbi. He should allocate a fifteen minute slot, and then afterwards tell himself, “I did what I had to do, and now I’m done.” If a person does teshuvah at an appointed time, then it won’t drag him down into the mess. This is because when a person consciously sets a time for a cheshbon hanefesh, his seichel is in charge, and when his seichel is working clearly, he won’t slip up. However, spontaneous thoughts of teshuvah, which surface right after a bachur did something wrong, are typically emotionally bound, and they can easily cause more harm than good. This is because when someone falls, he is in a negative mode, one in which he is upset and “beats himself up”, and when someone is in this kind of mood, he can’t think straight. It follows therefore that all of the strategies mentioned, including reviewing the list of reasons to stop (see Step 2) or thinking in any way about this issue, should never be done as a reaction to something that happened, but rather by appointment only. At the time that something happens, there is only one goal: to be meisi’ach da’as, keep moving, and get busy with something positive.

In the event that a bachur comes over to you and says, “Rebbi, I feel horrible. Last night I messed up and did _______,” then you should tell him, “I hear. Try a little better today; continue on with your regular routine. Let’s make up a time, and we’ll meet next week to discuss it.” You’ll notice two changes in the bachur’s attitude: a) The following week when the bachur comes to you, his seichel will be much clearer, and b) he’ll usually end up having an easier time in the interim. If, on the other hand, the bachur tries to deal with the issue right after it happens, then he will end up acting out much more.

Recap

• Heseich Hada’as is the most important step towards overcoming this struggle.
• Any time you think about not thinking or seeing it, then “it” is already in your mind.
• A bachur must know that he should not try to follow his own derech for teshuvah; rather, it is important that he do everything together with an older, more experienced person.
• At the time that a bachur is nichshal, there is only one goal: to be meisi’ach da’as, keep moving, and get busy with something positive. In order to deal with this issue, a bachur should instead schedule a separate, set time for cheshbon hanefesh.

Further Reading

• This concept is central in Chabad's approach to this struggle. See Chabad.