Dealing with Thoughts
Dealing with improper thoughts:
- See Hesech Hadaas
- See Attitude Principles for Lust Struggles > Dealing with thoughts and fantasies.
- Tanya
Dealing with thoughts about doing something:
Dealing with improper thoughts
Torah Sources
- אגרות ומכתבים מר’ ישראל סלנטר זצ”ל, אגרת כה, שכ’ וז”ל-- דבר הקרי מקרה לילה הוא המסובב ויסוד העבירה הוא ההרהור ביום, ואם ההרהור בא מאונס, יש להקל לבלי חושבה לעון ואין להעמיק, ולא בהשתדלות מרובה לדחות ההרהורים כי זאת טיבעת נפש האדם, כל שמעמיק לדחות איזה רעיון, איזה צער וכיוצא, עוד תתגבר ההתנגדות בנפש האדם להלהיב המוזר לאדם, לזאת מריבוי ההשתדלות לדחות ההרהורים יכול להיות שתולד לפעמים סיבה גדולה לחזק ההרהורים. כן זה גם בתפילה, העמל הרב לדחות מחשבות זרות מולידים לפעמים סיבה למחשבות זרות, מסיבת טיבעת נפש האדם להתנגדות, והנסיון ברעיון גופני יוכיח הדבר למדי.
- וחידושי הלב ח"ג במדבר הביא דבריו וסייים: הרי מבואר שהדרך להנצל מהרהורים אסורים היא לא ע"י הדגשת חומר האיסור ודחיית ההרהורים מהלב, אלא ע"י הסחת הדעת לדברים אחרים.
Further reading
- Positive Vision Day 35 - Worse Than Titus (quotes the Nefesh Hachaim about הרי הוא מכניס זונה כו')
- Battle of the Generation Ch. 43
From GYE Members
By Dov
My favorite tool for getting the thoughts out of my head is ignoring them. I have discovered that I really am the ba'al habos of my head...sometimes.
If that' does not work, I make sure to try and do the diametric opposite of whatever my lust is: Meaning, instead of worshipping or sexually devouring the person or image or whatever, I pause and pray (with actual spoken words, in private) for the person or instituion involved me'umka deliba as best I am able right then. Not for them to 'finally see the light and stop being so provocative or promiscuous` - that judgementalism poisons me no matter how much my morality agrees with it. It is more than useless. Rather, I daven that Hashem should give them health and comfort in this life and whatever is afterward, and that He grant them a progressive awareness of Him and of all the good in their lives, and that He give them clarity in how all the good in their lives comes from Him, and that he even grants them acceptance that all the hard times they may have in their long futures is a gift from Him somehow, and that they also have peace of mind to really do right by themselves and by G-d. Then I may ask for all the same for me: Health, Comfort, Progressive awareness of Him in my life, and Peace of mind.
If that does not work - and sometimes even if it does - the best tool of all for me is to openly share all the dirty and stupid thoughts I tend to have with another safe person. I am careful to say it in a non-exciting way (no need to show off and splash dirt all over him, is there?) but still directly and truthfully - with Hashem's help.
As long as I am ashamed of what gets into my mind and as long as I say to myself stuff like, "How could I ever have thought such a horrible thing!?" - I will keep thinking stuff like that.
If I really know that I am a sick person getting well, then I will accept goofy thoughts as just that: goofy. I will take them as seriously as I need to take goofy, stupid thoughts....not very. And I will move past them with Hashem's help. On the other hand, if I am too ashamed to admit them, then I am too ashamed to believe that I am sick. It means I really believe that I am evil, ie. bad. Good luck getting 'good'! : Deep down inside, these folks are too ashamed to admit their evil thoughts even to Hashem! I believe that's why they can never 'get good'. Hmmm...
A sick person may have shame about his rear-end discomfort when sitting, but eventually he will get truly comfortable discussing all the details of his embarrassing hemmorroids with whoever he really has to discuss them with. Totally comfortable, eventually. Because he admits that he has a problem - that he is sick, not disgusting. I have seen this many times. (I actually do have a friend with hemmoroids who had such a hard time getting the words out of his mouth to describe his exact problem! And we are very close! Nu. Once he got it out, he freely discusses it with me and I have helped him discuss it openly with two doctors already. Boruch Hashem!
Same for most sex and lust addicts - and even for guys who just have porn habits but are not really addicts: They cannot seem to get the words "I masturbate" out of their mouths! Once they get the truth out, just see what people have posted on GYE about the relief of discovering they are not alone! I masturbate in my addiction too! And it's horrible for me when I do that - but especially when I do all the tinkgs that led me up to the masturbation.
See, for normal yidden, talking it out makes it worse, by far. There is a reason that "it's a shanda! Nu! Shaa!" is part of our culture. There is certainly a place for that mentality and approach to lust.
But for people who are already doing it over and over for a while and with a trance, planning and proccupation and a repeated pattern; who feel withdrawal when they quit and other cyclical mishega'as...well, they have a problem and may be addicts. And they need help. You cannot get help without talking explicitly about it, can you?
But I, and addict, am free of it this day, and am happy to share with anybody who wants to get better how that happened.)
Exact same thing here. I am a recovering pervert. Iv'e got a tendency to have strange and goofy sex (and other) thoughts, let's face it. It doesn't mean I need to act them out. And I need help.
This last tool is precious gold to me and has saved my life, sanity and yiddishkeit a thousand times over!
Thanks for giving me a setting to share that, World!
Notes
As to why Hashem gave such a mitzvah, we may theorize: 1) He wants man to strive to master his thoughts (i.e., to be a master human being). [Side note -- a person who can do this will never succumb to anxiety, depression, etc.] 2) He wants man to be humble. —Nahum Spirn