Understanding Pornography

Note: The approaches below don't contradict each other. They are only organized as approached temporarily.

Approach 1

By Dr. Bentzion Sorotzkin

Note: Add footnotes and references from https://drsorotzkin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/eng-boundaries-restrictions.pdf

Many youngsters are unaware of rational reasons to refrain from pre-marital sexual activity. For many whom already have a distorted image of Hashem, this is just another way of depriving them of pleasure. In their eyes, this world was not intended for pleasure or even happiness. They are surprised to hear that according to the Yerushalmi people will have to answer for why they didn’t enjoy the world Hashem provided for them.25

An idea found in seforim that discuss this issue can be helpful. If one’s experience of a very pleasurable activity is enjoyed exclusively with one particular person then that will create a very strong bond between them (באשתו ודבק) .Intimacy shared with countless people is not that intimate (e.g., a “secret” shared with everyone).

Another important issue is the connection between emotional intimacy and the lasting pleasure of physical intimacy. Unfortunately, sexuality has become separated from intimacy in the minds of many people. As a result many young men looking for a shidduch are obsessed with looks. They can’t believe that their future level of enjoyment from physical intimacy is more dependent on their emotional bond with their spouse than with their spouse’s physical attributes. They are unable to comprehend that if they really like someone and develop an emotional bond with her, they will feel more attracted.27

I find it helpful to point out to patients that most people would rather eat out in a mediocre restaurant with a close friend than in a fancy restaurant with someone they didn’t particularly like.28

Approach 2

By Avi Landa, Maintaining Kedusha

There are many Torah sources to draw from regarding shmiras einayim, some of which can include what we discussed regarding zera levatala, and are mentioned in The Kedusha Talk.

Here, we will try to shed light on some materials in sync with the secular world as well, as a way to bolster the arguments and seriousness of the issue at hand.

In contrast to masturbation, pornography is treated differently in the secular world. While some secular sources may glorify pornography and even attempt to argue for benefits towards its consumption, many recognize its harm on every level of life.

There are many levels of inappropriate content, some of which might not fall into the category of “pornography” (but of course are still assur). Usually, the indulgence of these “lighter” forms of inappropriate content leads to the indulgence of actual pornography.

In my experience, bochurim’s initial experimentation with viewing inappropriate material and ultimately pornography, comes from curiosity, coupled with ease of access, that when indulged, produces a vile and disgusted feeling.

I make sure to explain to them, that this initial disgusted feeling is the correct untarnished and natural reaction we as human beings have towards this inappropriate behavior. Over time, the disgusted feeling dulls, and the underlying temptation for it, grows. This can quickly lead to an addictive process, where the pleasure and satisfaction from indulgence over time, lessens, encouraging a deeper and more extreme indulgence of this drive.

Pornography can thus deteriorate all other aspects of a person’s life. Concentration and focus can suffer. Friendships and general life interests can diminish. In fact, a bochur becoming engrossed in pornography could be confused with someone suffering from the onset symptoms of clinical depression. Even an occasional indulgence can lead to much distraction and corruption in the person’s mind.

All the selfishness regarding masturbation would apply here as well. Due to the more immersive nature of pornography (and it is getting more immersive and even interactive with the progression of technology), the diminishing of the specialness of marriage is even greater. Furthermore, pornography often presents women as objects for selfish fulfillment of desire. Whether we like it or not, we are influenced by our surroundings. This is well documented in both Torah and lehavdil secular sources. Thus, continued viewing of pornography will corrupt a person’s perception of women, marriage, and intimacy.

There is another well documented issue regarding porn consumption. GYE has a cleaner version of a video presenting a research study regarding adolescent males and pornography. It is called, “The Great Porn Experiment”. There, the researcher explains how pornography uses novelty to draw a person in. The unending choices of varying pornographic material stimulate the dopamine-pleasure center of our brain. The pleasure then becomes dependent on the novelty.

This creates an incompatible situation with marriage. Marriage requires two people looking to grow comfortable, and become connected, with each other. The search for thrill through novelty makes dissatisfaction in marriage and ultimately infidelity, much more likely.

(The researcher in this study likes to scare the adolescents he speaks with by explaining that based on this research, porn consumption can ultimately cause dysfunction that the cardiovascular medications on the market will not help. This is because the dysfunction stems from overuse neurologically, in the brain, and not necessarily in the cardiovascular system. Thus, continued porn consumption can lead to diminished ability and pleasure throughout life. To be clear, we are not advocating the use of a scare tactic to motivate the bochur. As mentioned throughout, it is the normalization, warmth, and encouragement, that can ultimately help. However, it is important to know what kind of research is out there, and what we can respond to a bochur who might ask us, “what’s the big deal?”.)

There are many more sources one can draw from to better understand the detrimental effects of pornography. We will outline a few more here. A visual presentation of the evolution of addiction can be found on GYE’s website, entitled, “Addiction Animation”. A quick perusal of GYE’s video categories will yield many more videos applicable to inyanei kedusha. These can be used for both educating ourselves, as well as educating and inspiring someone coming to us for help.

FightTheNewDrug.org is a secular website whose mission statement includes the goal of raising awareness regarding the harmful effects of pornography through science, facts, and personal accounts (accessed, 2018). Since it is a secular website, there will be some content not in line with Torah halacha and hashkafa. However, many articles, and media content found on their website (some of which is available through GYE’s website, e.g. the video entitled, “We Need To Talk”) are appropriate and powerful. It is important to at least be aware that such a website exists (the name of the website itself can send a message) and is consistently being added to, with scientific and personal messages regarding the negative effects of pornography.

Many articles are referenced on the website, FightTheNewDrug.com (FTND). Two articles worth paying attention to are: Elizabeth M. Morgan, “Associations between Young Adults’ Use of Sexually Explicit Materials and Their Sexual Preferences, Behaviors, and Satisfaction,” and, Simone Kühn and Jürgen Gallinat, “Brain Structure and Functional Connectivity Associated With Pornography Consumption: The Brain on Porn,”. In addition, FTND presents articles with references indicating, “Porn consumers may think they’re just being entertained, but their brains are busy at work building connections between their feelings of arousal and whatever’s happening on their screen. And since consumers of porn typically become accustomed to the porn they’ve already seen and have to constantly move on to more extreme forms of pornography to get aroused, the kind of porn consumed usually changes over time”. Furthermore, “In a survey of 1,500 young adult men, 56% said their tastes in porn had become “increasingly extreme or deviant”.

If a website is going to be suggested to a bochur as a tool for him to peruse, we would strongly recommend, the safer and more in-line with our values website, GYE.

Approach 3

by #HashemHelpMe

Intro

HKBH created the world he created the animal kingdom, male and female. They were created separately. There's no concept of marriage, intimacy, loyalty, besides a few birds that nest for life. Most of the animal kingdom interchanges mates and spouses all the time and there's no tayna on them except when they intermingle with another species like in Parshas Noach.

The fact that one horse is with this horse or that horse, and then switches the next day to the other is not an issue since that's the way it was created.

And the actual act itself is an act in a vacuum. There's sometimes a little bit of a ritual that they do beforehand. But it's not the culmination of a relationship, and they go on with life.

But with Adam and Chava, there were created זכר ונקבה בראם - together. And then Hashem separated them. From that moment on in history, there's been an inexorable urge in all of mankind and in every single culture from the highest levels of civilizations and from the lowest levels of civilization in the African jungles or in the Aborigines in Australia, Eskimos native Indians, any human beings there have ever been, there's been a sacred concept of a man and a woman coming together to become that one unit, again, like they were in Gan Eden.

The culmination of that is the sexual act. The sexual act is not an act in a vacuum.

So when people live a life where they support each other, emotionally, they're intimate with each other. They go to the doctor's office with each other, they go with each other to the nursing home, they don't abandon each other. They financially and emotionally support each other. And then they engage in the sexual act as a hemshech (continuation) of that. That's one of the most uplifting and holy and, satisfying acts that a person can do, which is the exact opposite of what pornography is teaching our generation.

Phonography is the Hemshech of the Western culture, that sex is a sin. So if sex is a sin anyway, and they engaging in it anyways, so have a good time on your own expense and other people's expense.

A woman's body is a toy to be played with to abuse and to use, a wife is not there to necessarily love. She's there to be used and abused in the bedroom. And that's the message of phonography. You don't have to care about the other person. You don't even need to know their name. You don't care if they die the next day, you just need that their body parts, should respond accordingly.

This is why many, many people after they get married and the wife becomes pregnant or gained some weight, there is big shalom bayis problems. And it's all being noveya (derived) from these expectations, which by the way, the pornography industry Photoshops and does things not physically possible for a person to do on a daily or every other third day, fourth day, people can't do these things.

People go to work, they're tired. Um, some people, it's beneath their dignity, the women are not willing to do these moves and everything else. The whole, concept is a disaster for shalom bayis, even if the wife never finds out, and there's no one watching, the husband is missing the whole point.

The husband feels guilty. He doesn't know why he feels guilty. There was that study that the typical American man is depressed after ejaculating either with having a relationship with his wife from masturbating and doesn't know why.

And it's very obvious why, because his nefesh understands that it's very selfish, and in the case of relations with a wife it's to abuse somebody. And honestly, pornographic sex is only satisfying until the moment of ejaculation. After that doesn't feel any, anything good, any relaxation, any uplifting.

In real sex, it's like a sunrise, as opposed to a neon lights where it's an incredible experience. And a person can imagine that the shechina is there with them, that איש ואשה, זכו - שכינה ביניהן, and שלשה שותפין באדם, and kevayachol Hashem in the bedroom with them, and a child is created.

***

Hashem put kochos in the world. So for example, Hashem put let's say electricity in the world and electricity can be used for so much bracha, so much tikun haolam. A person can light up a shul and light up a hospital with all the lifesaving machinery in the hospital. Refrigeration, air conditioning, even computers, all based on electricity. Most of our construction wouldn't be able to be done without basics of electricity.

So mankind had harnessed a bracha that Hashem put in the world and used it letov (for good).

Along comes a Rasha and he goes ahead and he takes that same bracha and he kills somebody with it. Hashem put the ability to corrupt a Bracha.

The same issue happens with sexuality. Hashem put this amazing, amazing koach where a child can be created together with Hashem, where there can be an amazing Shalom Bayis of a husband and a wife. And al pi Kabbala there could be yichudim elyonim that are going on and tremendous tremendous tikunim are taking place.

And along come these low lives, and they create the pornography industry. It's like two trains heading in opposite directions, passing the same station. The actual act may look the same on the screen, but the whole before and the whole after and the whole everything else is totally, totally off. Destructive. Taking that Koach that Hashem put in the world front and destroying with it.

Undoing Damage

The images people BH slowly, they slowly forgot it. But the mindset of what they saw, doesn't go away by itself, and it has to be completely eradicated.

If you've been exposed to porn, and you're a engaged, please tell your chosson rebbe that you saw pornography, or at least hint it. And if that's not an option, at least speak to a mentor on GYE to work on having the right mindset.

For example:

There's this craze of people having to cause their wives to climax.

And yes, women will enjoy a climax, but you have to understand that the women, their goal, their dream or their drive in the bedroom is two things: One is to be loved by their husbands, to be told how important they are and how cherished they are to experience true intimacy with their husband, that their husband cares. They want to hear that their husband is getting pleasure of them. They want to hear that they're running the household nicely and they want to be held and caressed and kissed and hugged. That's what they want.

Most women wouldn't care, if they only have the actual act, once in awhile, they don't need the act. The sexual part of it is maybe exciting and thrilling, but it's not what they meet their need in the bedroom is intimacy.

The man's desire for the bedroom is the ejaculation.

That's what he wants and everything that builds up to it. And most men will convince themselves that the wife needs to have a climax and they'll be desperate to make it happen. But it doesn't. It's not realistic that the wife will climax all the time. It's just not, they're not built that way. And they're not necessarily interested in it.

And many wives are being forced into, you know, the guy using his fingers or whatever, which again, if she wants it by all means, but otherwise it's being done in a certain way against her will. They think they're supposed to be allowing this.

And the honest truth is if you ask any man honest truth, beino levein atzmo, why is he closing his climax, it's because *his* sexual experience will be greater, if she climaxes. Physically, it feels better. The guy gets very very turned on and aroused by his wife having a climax. And he feels like "I accomplished this". He did this to her body.

Again, I'm not saying people shouldn't cause their wife to climax. But at least, understand the truth, understand "why am I doing this?"

A GYE member once shared:

One of the things that took me years to work on was this: I thought when you're in the bedroom, you have to do the act, like it has to finish. And the idea that maybe my wife is tired and maybe she'd rather stop in the middle and just go to sleep and just to get a hug and a kiss and go to sleep. To me, it was Chinese.

If it wasn't working, I was like forcing myself. And I was having these horrible thoughts to make it, the idea was it has to happen. It has to have happen, it has to happen. It was almost like OCD, but the OCD was coming from this belief that there's no life without ejaculation. There's no, this has to happen, it has to happen. And that, that had to be changed.

And my wife is a tzadeikes and she never said a word. The first time I took away my pacifier and I told my wife, I said, you know, I see you're tired. We can stop right here. She thought I fell off the moon. And I was literally crying.

It hurt in my guts - it showed how sick I was. It just showed how, how, not normal I was towards this whole thing. And I forced myself a number of times, to just not do the act.

I went to speak to a moreh horaah about it. He told me I shouldn't do that leil tevilah night. And I shouldn't do it if it would be motzi zera levatala, but otherwise he agreed. I had to remove this desperation for the act to take place.

I still do it now. If I see my wife is tired. I stop in the middle and I force myself to stop. It still hurts a little bit, it's nothing like before, I don't cry.

Pornography trains a person it's all about them. It's just very selfish, very selfish act. It's all about me having a good time at someone else's expense. And, it's impossible to get into bed with your wife and not have pornographic urges and try to get different moves and different, you know actions to take place, which are very against the nature of a lady to really want.

(A young couple will experiment and I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about once a person settled into marriage.)

Most ladies inherently have a certain level of tznius. And then all of a sudden he starts asking his wife to do this, to do that. And you're really treading on very inappropriate stuff because your wife doesn't want it.

The nature of a woman is not to want to have these things. And so many people have written about this on the forums. And the veterans of guard your eyes I've spoken to speak about it very openly. When they stopped doing it, their wives thanked them. They said, you know, "we never wanted to say anything, but this was quite revolting and nauseating to us." One wife told her husband "I never enjoyed being in bed with you".

A lot of people on guard your eyes write about the fact that their wives are not receptive in the bedroom. And I challenged them and I say, well, what are you doing in the bedroom? What do you do? And this is discussed very openly.

What do you ask her to do? What do you do? how does it start? How's it finished?

Do you ever leave your wife cards around the house that you love her? And you buy her flowers, buy her ice cream, just because. Or is it just the bedroom where you supposedly are expressing love when she knows you're just doing it because you want to get her to behave a certain way in the bedroom.

Intimacy is not the bedroom, intimacy is out of the bedroom. Intimacy is treating your wife the right way all the time. And then the sexuality is a culmination of a relationship. It's the icing on the cake, there has to be cake. If you just eat ice cream, you're gonna throw up, right? All this stuff is like, I call it cotton candy, cotton candy, this big overblown thing that's really nothing there. I said, this whole Parsha is cotton candy. And if you eat a lot of cotton candy, you get sick. If there's cake there and you have some icing on the cake, then it tastes very good. And the sexuality has to be viewed as, as a culmination of a relationship, it has to be the, the shpitz. It's takeh very special, it's takeh a very powerful force, but it can't be a vacuum. It can't be in and of itself.

Loneliness

A lot of guys are lonely. We live in a very lonely generation. And the reason why they turn to pornography is because they really want to have warmth in relationship, marriage. They want to have all that.

And since they can't get it, you know, it's not working out with his wife. And maybe the friendships with their friends, isn't working out a hundred percent either, cause they're a little bit socially off. So then they're looking for pornography to fill it. But it's never going to fill it because there's nothing real there.

When you talk to this girl on the phone, or you're watching her on the screen, she doesn't know your name, she doesn't are who you are, and you know that. So as soon as the ejaculations is over and the hyperactivity and the thrill all stops, so then they left with nothing.

Stress Relief

One of the things that I suggest people start doing right away is exercise. Because physiologically, when a person masturbates, there's a certain amount of endorphins that are secreted in the brain that have a calming effect on a person, which is why a person gets a little bit of an addictive behavior out of it.

If somebody gets on a treadmill, and he walks for half an hour and he gets his heart rate up and he sweats, he also releases the same endorphins. And he's not going to feel like a loser afterwards. It's just that masturbation is free, it's fast and it can be done almost anywhere. And exercise takes an investment of time and energy.

You don't have to exercise at the time when you have the urge, you just have to exercise and have normal endorphin flows in your brain.

Up until 70 years ago everybody had a certain amount of stress release in their life because people were drawing water from the well, and they were schleping packages and they were walking to a lot of places. I said, nowadays, with the sedentary lifestyle lifestyle, we don't have the built in stress relief.

And that's why there's more and more people are relying on porn to release stress, besides the fact that it's so available. People are becoming more and more reliant on these things because they don't know how to process stress and feelings.