Attitude Principles for Addiction
1. Understanding what we are up against
These behaviors are very addictive. To quote Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski in a recent talk:
You have no idea as to what category of people have fallen victim to internet pornography. We would not think that these type of people would be capable of it. Hopefully nobody who’s a Yirei Shamayim is going to go look for that kind of trash and that kind of filth. However, it is perfectly possible that while monkeying around with the internet, you hit a button and there’s a pop-up of a pornography scene. You weren’t looking for it, but it happened. You have exactly 3/10ths of a second to turn it off. And if you avoid it for 4/10ths of a second, you may become addicted. That’s how severe it is. It's one of the most powerful addictions. Day after day after day - I get letters and calls from people who say, "what can I do to save myself?
If we find that we keep falling into inappropriate behaviors that go against our conscience and better judgment, and we have tried countless times to stop in the past but always seem to fall back to them in the end, then we are probably struggling with an addiction. As Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski says:
The ultimate distinction between man and animals is not that man is more intelligent, but that animals are creatures that have no choice over their behavior. They must do whatever their bodies demand. They cannot choose what they should do. Man has the ability of self-control, to choose one's behavior, even in defiance of physical urges. If a person loses one's ability to choose and is dominated by urges one cannot control, one is indeed an addict.
We may have tried to do Teshuvah many times in the past, but the standard model of Teshuva (Azivas Hachet, Charata and Kabbala al Haba) doesn't always work for us very well anymore. Addiction is a type of disease, and our Sages understood the nature of addiction, as the Gemara (Avodah Zara 17a) says in relation to the story of “Ben Durdaya” who had been with every prostitute in the world, “Kivan dehava adik be’aveira tuvah, ki’minus dami – since he was entrenched in the sins a lot, it was similar to heresy”. Rabbi Twerski points out how the word “adik” is very similar to the word “addict”. Also, Rebbe Asi said: "The Yetzer Harah in the beginning is compared to a strand of a spider web, and in the end like a rope that is used to tie cattle". Our Sages recognized that once a person repeats a particular sin a number of times "it becomes to him as if it is permitted". Even more so, in this area where our Sages have said: "The more it is fed, the hungrier it gets". Therefore, the standard Teshuvah techniques are not usually sufficient in our case anymore. Once these behaviors have progressed to addictive levels, will power alone is rarely effective in dealing with them and it is no longer just a "Yetzer Hara" issue. Addiction is a spiritual and psychological disease. It is important to understand that we are not simply dealing with a “stronger than usual” Yetzer Hara, and we are not just “weak-willed” people who can’t control ourselves. The Sefer haChinuch on the Mitzva 387 “Do not stray after your heart and eyes”, compares lust to alcohol addiction, describing how the more it is fed, the more it wants and the harder it is to break free of it. The nature of the addiction is analogous to someone standing on the railroad tracks while he watches the train bearing down on him, and yet he can't move himself out of the way. And as Rabbi Twerski puts it in his book "Addictive Thinking": We place our hands on the stove, get burned, and yet we feel compelled to do it again.
How do these behaviors lead to addiction? It’s simple neuroscience. Just like with any pleasure, the pleasure sensory is stimulated in the brain. Whether its cocaine, alcohol, or pleasure one might get from inappropriate scenes viewed during a movie, the serotonin levels spike and the dopaminergic pleasure pathways are activated in the standard "addiction" pattern. As a matter of fact, these behaviors have been shown to be MORE powerfully addictive than most drugs, in one study. It's not a big wonder why that would be. It's an intense pleasure stimulation, even more direct than a hard drug. And upon repeated exposure to certain types of stimulation, one tends to seek out even more perverse and intense stimulation, leading to that vicious self-destructive cycle that is typical of addictions. What was enough yesterday to achieve a ‘high’, is no longer enough today to achieve the same effect.
The addiction didn’t appear overnight. We developed the addiction slowly over time, by accustoming ourselves to arouse lust in our minds, whether through viewing inappropriate material or through self-pleasuring and fantasies. And we did this many thousands of times. And every time we did this, yes, every single time, we were blazing neuron pathways in our brain that kept getting stronger and stronger. And today, these pathways are deeply ingrained in our minds.
Also, there are many levels of this addiction. The fewer times we acted out on lust, the less defined the neuron pathways will be in our minds, and hence, the addiction will be at a less advanced stage. This is vital to understand and should serve as a powerful incentive for us to do everything in our power to stop these behaviors now. Because every single time we act out on lust, we are making the addiction worse, and harder to deal with for the long term.
The symptoms of this addiction are twofold. Firstly, we have accustomed our minds to crave the chemical rush that lust gives us, in the same way that an alcoholic craves alcohol. We have often learned to use lust as a drug for self- soothing purposes. We crave to ‘lose ourselves’ in lust to ‘medicate’ our feelings of inadequacy, guilt and depression, or even simply as an escape from the realities of life. The second symptom of the addiction is that stimulation triggers a much stronger arousal for addicts than it does in normal people. We have become hypersensitive to stimulation, to the point that we feel powerless when faced head-on with lust. This is actually a medical/psychological condition that can be tested through scientific devices. In the mind of someone with this condition, the dopaminergic pleasure pathways in the brain are triggered much faster and more intensely than in normal people.
It is important to understand that as an addiction, this is not something we can remove by simply talking ourselves out of it. A therapist may be able to help us discover why we became addicted in the first place, but that alone is not enough. Now that we have these pathways engrained in our minds, all the understanding in the world won't change the fact that we have this problem, in the same way that understanding a broken leg won't heal it. It is also important to understand that once the addiction has advanced to a certain level, it will likely be there for life, as the saying goes: “Once an addict, always an addict.” What that means is that once we have trained our minds to use lust as a type of drug, we must learn to keep far away from lust. And no matter how much progress we might think we’ve made in this struggle, once we let ourselves take that first “drink”, we will feel powerless all over again. In the 12-Step literature, the addiction is compared to an allergy. If someone has an allergic reaction to peanuts for example, they can’t get close to them without getting an allergic reaction. And even if they haven’t had peanuts in 20 years, the moment they ingest peanuts again the allergic reaction will return in full force!
As one of the 12-Step pamphlets says:
Lusting, for us, is like riding a roller coaster. Once started, it is nearly impossible to stop. Therefore, lust must be stopped where it begins, with the first drink. Getting out from under the influence of lust, therefore, requires us to avoid getting on board in the first place.
Our addiction to lust is like the alcoholic’s problem with alcohol. Just as the alcoholic cannot tolerate one drink of alcohol, we cannot tolerate even the smallest drink of lust. Lust always leads to more lust, eventually making us drunk with it. Once drunk, the urge to act out is impossible to resist. Just a little lusting simply doesn’t work for us.
But as scary as all this may seem, it is not really so bad. Someone who has a chronic iron deficiency can still lead a perfectly normal life, as long as they take his daily iron pill. Someone who has diabetes can also be fine, as long as they take their insulin. So too with us; we may have a type of disease but there are many techniques that can be used as our “medication" every day, to keep the addiction in check.
Instead of the standard Teshuvah model, we need to begin to change our entire attitude. We learn the tools and techniques of how to sidestep the lust instead of trying to fight it head on. And we learn how to give our will over to Hashem and live with His help, instead of trying to use our own strengths to fight something that is stronger than us.
2. Accepting that we need help
The first key to recovery is “acceptance.” We need to accept that we have a problem and that we need help. Otherwise, we will read through the Guard Your Eyes website and Handbook and say: “they aren’t talking about me.”
One member of our forum wrote to a newcomer:
I am considered by many people to be a Talmid Chacham. I tried every eitza there is, both with mussar, sifrei yirah and divrei chizuk. I tried to punish myself and I almost drove myself crazy in driving myself crazy, and in agonizing over how low I was. And the only solace I found was to sit in front of the computer and continue feeding my addiction. Listen up my good friend, you have come to the right place and you will be helped. And it will cost you a lot less than seeing a professional, and you might even be lucky enough to save your good name. But having said all that, you will only be saved if you admit you are an addict! I know it hurts. It hurt and it hurts me too. Yes, I am an addict. Yes me, the father, husband, Talmid Chacham and neighborhood Askan, is an addict. It still hurts me to write you these words. But we must admit it in order to be helped. If you want to keep on riding on the Teshuvah / Nefilla roller-coaster, be my guest. But you will just continue making more addictive behavior neuron pathways in your brain, which only get harder to reverse.
Some people are willing to “say” they have an addiction, but coming to terms with what that really means - and acting like they are ill and need help is another matter. To quote the Big-Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
“Acceptance is the key. The addiction is a disease and sobriety is not a matter of willpower. When we stop living in the problem, and instead live in the answer, the problem goes away by itself.”
Truly accepting that we have a problem may sound like a difficult step to take, but it is actually freeing to finally face the truth about ourselves and know what we are up against.
There is a common misconception among unmarried young men that marriage will solve the problem. As Rabbi Twerski always tells people, marriage does not solve the problem of addiction to lust; if anything it makes it even worse. Not only that, but once someone is married and doesn’t deal with this addiction, it can ultimately destroy the lives of many people instead of just one. When Chazal say that our wives help save us from sin, they are not referring to sins we brought with us into the marriage; sins that are already engrained in our minds from beforehand. The problem we have is not just a desire that needs to be calmed, but rather stems from what has developed (through our addiction) into a skewed attitude towards the act of procreation. When Chazal say our wives save us from sin, they are referring to normal people who also get attacks of lust once in a while. For such people, having a wife can save them from sin in such instances. But for addicts who have learned to use lust to fill a deep inner void and as a solution to all of life’s difficulties, their wives will never be enough for them.
The Gemara in Sanhedrin (75a) tells the story of a man who was so love-sick for a woman that he became mentally and physically ill. The Gemara asks why he didn’t marry her and answers that it would not have healed him once she was permitted, as the pasuk says (Mishlei 9:17), “mayim genuvim yimtaku vi’lechem starim yinam - stolen water is sweeter and hidden bread is more pleasurable”. This clearly shows us how marriage is not a solution to lust addiction, which is similar to the mental and physical illness that this man experienced. Even if we marry the most attractive person of our dreams, the insanity of lust will compel us to continue seeking more and more “stolen waters” to fill the bottomless cup of the addictive cravings.
Once we know that we are dealing with a lust addiction - which even marriage won’t solve, we are ready to accept our problem and begin to live in the solution, by exploring the methods that really work. In cases of advanced addictions, it will almost never help to simply try “harder” to fight the Yetzer Hara, to learn more mussar, or make ever more resolutions. With advanced addictions, there are methods that don’t work, and then there are tried-and-proven methods that do work. The steps that work are outlined in Part 1 of this handbook. There we can learn that it is possible to break free, no matter how far the addiction has advanced.
3. Believing that we CAN be helped
Some people think that if they are unmarried and have no outlet, they cannot possibly remain clean indefinitely. This is patently false. We have helped many Bochurim to achieve complete abstinence and we have many testimonials of Bochurim who were addicted and broke free using the right tools, attitude and determination. In some ways, it is even easier for Bochurim to refrain completely from lust since they have no need to indulge in it at all. And as Chazal say, “There is a small limb in a man, when it is satiated - it is hungry, but when it is starved - it is satiated”.
Some people today are under the misconception that these behaviors are healthy or even necessary for the body. This is completely untrue. The medical community is in agreement that holding back for long periods of time does not cause anything noticeable to happen. There is no build up of pressure. Our bodies are always reabsorbing and disposing of extra material, including the excess components of zera. It is perfectly natural to keep ‘dry’ for a long period of time. There are no risks or heath problems associated with it at all.
We know of hundreds of young addicts who have broken free from this addiction. Many of them wrote about their recovery and you can find their stories on our website. You can see for yourself how people even worse off than you were able to break free.
Having this condition does not let us off the hook. We may have an illness, but we are fully responsible for our recovery. Once we know that we CAN recover, acting out will never be the same.
4. Hitting bottom while still on top
Often a person is not truly ready to admit they have a problem, seek help and be willing to make real changes in their lives unless they have “hit bottom” first. “Hitting bottom” means that one’s life has truly become unmanageable. This can come about through the realization that they are unable to lead a normal life, a normal marriage, hold a job, or if they stand to lose their self respect, honor or good name.
However, one of the goals of the GYE community is to help people “Hit bottom while still on top.” What that means, is that we try to get those who find themselves in the early stages of addiction to understand the nature of this disease and where it will ultimately lead them. Addiction is a progressive disease. Without treatment, addictions always gets worse, never better. Once a person recognizes that they have this illness, regardless of the degree to which it may have progressed, they can learn where the addiction will ultimately lead them from those who have already “Hit Bottom.” By doing this, we are essentially “lifting the bottom” for these newcomers to hit, while they are still on top and their lives remain intact. They need not lose their direction in life, their marriages, jobs and respect. They can learn from those who already have reached that point, and recognize the direction they are heading so that they will make recovery the #1 priority in their life. This is especially important for unmarried young men who stand to lose less at this point in their lives, and they are therefore less likely to take their recovery as seriously as a married man with children.
See the section called "Hitting bottom while still on top" on our website to read terrible stories of where this addiction can lead, such as the story of the religious man whose life was ruined and he was imprisoned for chatting inappropriately with minors, or the serial killers who blamed their evils on the influences of their lust addiction, and the horrible stories of divorces and suffering of the wives of addicts. Many marriage councilors say that this addiction is either the number one (or the number two) cause of shalom bayis issues and divorces amongst young couples in the religious community today.
Once we recognize that this is a progressive disease that will cause us not to be able to lead a normal marriage, hold down a steady job and progress in ruchniyus, and especially once we recognize the dangers of where this can lead, such as imprisonment and even death c”v, then we will have “hit bottom” just as surely as the ones who really hit bottom, and we will take our recovery very seriously.
5. Breaking the Cycle
We must recognize how insidious the addiction is, how it continues to tell us lies, getting us to act out again and again. Each time we act out, we make it harder to heal from the addiction in the long term. Therefore, we must do everything in our power to break free of the vicious cycle now, by taking the necessary steps to break free. As long as we are still caught up in the cycle of addiction, we cannot begin to heal. And the nature of the addiction is such that we cannot think our way out, we need to act our way into a new pattern of thinking.
Often we thought that if we would only feed the lust a little bit more and give it what it really wants, it would leave us alone. But it is exactly the opposite. Chazal understood the nature of this addiction, and they said one statement regarding these areas that really sums it up well: "There is a small organ in a man, if one feeds it - it is hungry, if one starves it - it is satiated." As the saying goes: ”The less you feed it, the less you need it.” Although it feels hard at first to cut down and we may likely even experience withdrawal symptoms for a while, the more we successfully stop acting out in the short term, the easier it will get in the long term. Knowing this Yesod can make a huge difference.
We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this saying in mind: "Just once is too much; a thousand times is never enough." We cannot bargain with the addiction. Half measures ultimately amount to nothing. Isolated incidents of control are not significant when dealing with addiction, it’s the overall pattern. Staying stopped is the issue. We must realize that we were acting insane. It’s not sane to repeat self-destructive behaviors. This is, in the most literal sense, a life and death struggle for our souls.
6. One day at a time
Take the struggle only “one day at a time.” Try never to focus on the future or wonder how we will manage. We must learn to live in the present only, focusing on staying "clean" or "sober" right NOW. When we focus on the future, we can easily fall. It’s like someone walking a tightrope; if he looks down, it becomes so much harder not to fall. Therefore, when feeling weak we can tell ourselves, “just for today, I will stay clean” or “Just for this moment, I will stay clean.” The past and the future are out of our hands and belong only to Hashem. When we feel that we are about to fall, we may even tell ourselves that we reserve the right to act out tomorrow. We are not making a decision now for life. However, just for today we will do whatever we can to stay clean. In the same way that we can’t sleep or eat for tomorrow, we can’t stay clean today for tomorrow.
One guy writes: When I get up in the morning after saying Modeh Ani, I always pray to Hashem in my own words and say something along these lines: "Hashem, I cannot control this without your help. I am willing not to act out on lust today, but I cannot promise about tomorrow. Just for today Hashem, please help me succeed."
This is one of the big Yesodos in the 12-Step program as well. On any given day, if we do what we are supposed to on our side to try and stay "sober" and sane, we trust completely in Hashem that He will give us 24 hours of relief - for that day only.
We see this idea in regards to the provisions of the B’nei Yisrael in the desert. Hashem gave them relief for one day at a time. Whether they gathered a lot or a little, they only got 24 hours of sustenance and relief.
The phrases "Hayom al l'vovecha – today on your heart" and "asher Anochi metzaveh es'chem Hayom – which I command you today" in kriyas sh'ma are both explained by our sages to mean that Hashem’s proclamation here is new - today is the first day we have heard of it! Hashem is telling us to live one day at a time. This is an approach to life in kriyas sh'ma itself. It reminds us each time we say it, that Hashem is concerned with how we do today. Not yesterday, nor tomorrow. So if even Hashem asks for only one day at a time - should we ask for more?
Teshuva is only relevant inasmuch as it affects today's avodah. The Chovos Hal'vavos says (right at the start of sha'ar hateshuvah), that the definition of Teshuvah is behaving correctly right now, even though we have messed up badly in the past. It is not about fixing anything. (It’s Hashem’s business to fix us, not ours).
And remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life! So let’s do our very best to stay clean just for today.
7. Giving the fight over to Hashem
Ultimately, only Hashem can overcome the addiction for us. As Chazal say: “If Hashem doesn’t help him, he cannot overcome him” (the Yetzer Hara). But, in order for Hashem to fight for us, we need to know that we can’t do it alone, and we need to reconnect with Hashem in a very fundamental way and learn a complete dependency on Him; much as a one day old baby depends on its mother.
Sometimes “Fear of Failure” can actually lead us to falls. Winston Churchill once said: “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” And - lehavdil - Rabbi Nachman said, “The main thing is not to fear at all.” Trying to control our own addiction leads us to fear, because we start to ask ourselves: "Can I really do it?" And when we are attacked by the Yetzer Hara, we often fall simply because we fear the addiction and think it is too strong for us.
Instead, the secret to success is to let Hashem do it for us, as the Pasuk says: “Hashem yilachem lachem, ve’atem tacharishun – Hashem will fight for you, and you shall be silent.” To accomplish this, however, we need to learn to completely trust in Hashem. And those who learn this and give over the struggle to Hashem are amazed to find that Hashem actually removes the lust from them and keeps them "sober". This technique is nothing short of miraculous, but it has been documented thousands of times by the most hopeless cases of addiction in 12-Step groups around the world, since the 1930s.
The Ohr Hachayim also describes this miraculous phenomenon. He asks, if someone has already fallen into these things and can't help thinking about them, how can they possibly hold themselves back from sinning? He quotes the Pasuk in Acharei Mos: "Speak to the Children of Israel and tell them, I am Hashem your G-d. Like the ways of the land of Egypt that you have dwelled in their midst, you shall not do." Explains the Ohr Hachayim, the Torah is hinting to us that for someone who "dwelled in the land of Egypt" and has already accustomed himself to seeing and thinking about these things, the Pasuk starts off with the words: "Tell them that I am Hashem your G-d." This is to teach us that: "While it is impossible with human strength... with G-dly strength, you shall be able to be victorious over the natural physical drives."
When we learn to “Let Go and Let G-d,” Hashem does all the fighting for us and we don’t have to “overcome” anything on our own. Our job is just to maintain a healthy spiritual condition and learn to live with Hashem’s help. Of course, we also need to take the steps we can, to ensure that we do not continue feeding our addiction. When we let Hashem do it for us, we have Hashem’s strength and not our own, as the Pasuk says “Kovei Hashem yachalifu koach – those who hope to Hashem exchange strengths”. We literally exchange our strength with that of Hashem’s.
Learning how to truly give over the fight to Hashem may require joining a 12-Step Group since we often need to learn this first through humans, before it can feel real enough to do with Hashem - who is abstract. For starters though, we can try to internalize this in our daily struggles through short “foxhole” type prayers every time we are tested, such as: “Father, HELP ME!!” or “Hashem, only YOU can do it for me,” or “I depend completely on You Father!”, etc…
The Gemara says that Chavakuk Hanavi summed up all of the Torah in one statement, "Tzadik Be'emunoso Yich'ye – The Tzadik will live in his faith." Rashi explains that in earlier generations, people had the strength to concentrate on all 613 mitzvos; however, in the later generations we simply cannot. So Chavakuk Hanavi gave us the key: Concentrate on Emunah (Faith) and Hashem will take care of everything else.
8. Overhauling our character traits
The addiction is often a sign that we are missing some of the most basic principles of what it means to be a human being, created in the image of Hashem. Even animals don’t abuse their desires and fall into addictions. In these areas, we have fallen even lower than animals.
Although it may be hard to admit this, the emotional maturity of an addict can often be at the level of a two year old. When we don’t get what we want, we feel like crying, kicking and screaming. We never learned how to deal properly with pain, anxiety, resentment, stress or anger. We have always used the addiction to hide inside ourselves, and we refrained from mature emotional interaction with others. While our peers were growing up and learning about life from the world around them, we were zoning out into our fantasy worlds of self-pleasure and escape. And so we often remained as emotionally immature as a little child.
In order to really begin to heal at the source, we must learn the most basic moral principles again from scratch. Fundamentals such as rigorous honesty in all our affairs, an honest personal accounting, complete trust in Hashem, true humility, and a sincere willingness to make amends with those we have harmed, and to surrender our will to Hashem. These principles are so basic, that even the non-Jewish drunks of AA are able to relate to them, and by working through a program of these principles (The 12-Steps) they often succeed in turning their entire lives around and becoming “Men of G-d.” Besides for step 1, the 12-Steps don’t even mention the addiction (drinking, acting out or whatever the addiction may be). The steps are all about learning how to think right and to live right.
Rabbi Twerski once wrote as follows about someone who was convinced he could never give up these behaviors:
His conviction that he cannot overcome the addiction is the addiction talking to him, saying, “Give up the fight, it’s useless. You’ll never succeed, so why put yourself through the misery.” Other than just try to stop, what has this young man done to make essential changes in his character? That’s where one should begin.
I attended an AA meeting where the speaker was celebrating his 20th year of sobriety. He began by saying, “The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again” (but the man I am today, will not). Alcoholics who have not had a drink for many years but have not overhauled their character are “dry drunks” and will often drink again. The same is true for this addiction.
How does one become a different person? By working diligently on improving one’s character traits. Learning how to manage anger, to rid oneself of resentments, to overcome hate, to be humble, to be considerate of others, to be absolutely honest in all one’s affairs, to admit being wrong, to overcome envy, to be diligent and overcome procrastination. In short, one should take the Orchos Tzaddikim (I’m sure it’s available in English), and go down the list of character traits, strengthening the good one’s and trying to eliminate the bad ones. This does not happen quickly. When one has transformed one’s character and has become a different person, one will find that this “new person” can accomplish things that the old person could not.
9. Why religion alone isn’t always enough
Although all truths can be found in the Torah, we had lost our vision. Even though we may have been learning Torah and Mussar, we were wearing “broken eye glasses.” And so, before we can turn once again to the Torah for guidance, we need to first learn what it means to be a human being. Can someone learn Mussar Sefarim before he knows Alef-Beis?
The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions (p.p. 31-32) discuss why even religious people who always believed they had faith in G-d and had asked G-d for help countless times in the past, were still unable to break free from the grip of the addiction:
This answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than its quantity. This has been our blind spot. We supposed we had humility when really we hadn't. We supposed we had been serious about religious practices when, upon honest appraisal, we found we had been only superficial. Or, going to the other extreme, we had wallowed in emotionalism and had mistaken it for true religious feeling. In both cases, we had been asking something for nothing. The fact was, we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of G-d could enter us and expel the obsession. In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward. We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said, “Grant me my wishes” instead of “Your will be done.” At no time had we asked what G-d's will was for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be. The love of G-d and man we understood not at all. Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity. Belief (in G-d) meant reliance. In A.A, we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol's final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions.
As one addict (on our forum) explained the term “Cleaning House” that is used often in AA:
It is important to realize that our real problem is the pain in our lives that makes us vulnerable to addiction. Addiction is the self-medication for the problem, and not the problem itself. This pain is caused by a "wall" in our relationship with Hashem and in our relationships with many other people in our lives. To remove that pain, we have to remove the walls. The walls are not as we had always thought, i.e. the things Hashem has done to us, or the things that others have done to us, but in reality, the walls are made up of our character defects that we have injected into those relationships. And the only way to stop the pain, is to make a true cheshbon hanefesh (personal accounting) on those character defects, accept that we need Hashem to remove the defects from us, and ask Him to do so. Then, and only then, can we begin to repair our character defects with honesty, so that they no longer act as a wall in our relationships (both human and Divine).