Countering Self-Talk

References

• Dispute irrational beliefs (DIBs p. 46,) and obsessive thoughts, or do an ABC. (page 39). SMART Handbook p. 36, Part of DEADS.
• Freeing yourself from rigid behavior patterns often requires that you also free yourself from rigid thought patterns. Just as exercise substitutes healthy for unhealthy behavior, counterthinking replaces troubled thoughts with more positive ones. Successful self-changers often rely on counterthinking more than on relaxation because this technique is quick, covert, and takes relatively little energy. It can be used under almost all the conditions that trigger problem behaviors. Prochaska, James O.. Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward (p. 180). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
• Substitute positive messages: Urges often come in the form of self-talk that gives you permission to drink. Like: "I'll just sip on one; that's not really drinking," or "I'll be drinking again in a few weeks anyway—why not now?" When this kind of idea comes up, spot it for what it is and substitute a more rational thought for it. Such as: "Not drinking at this time is key to my plan," or "Each time I refuse a drink, I get stronger." Also, you can talk directly back to the urge. Say, "Get out of here—I'm not drinking tonight," or whatever. This will help mobilize your resolve on the issue. / Moderation Management p. 60. Idea #2 for confronting your urges.
• Do you keep giving yourself an excuse like ‘I will do it one last time’ or ‘Today is the last time’? Change it to ‘Just today I am not doing it’. Wilson, Gary. Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction (Kindle Locations 3197-3199). Commonwealth Publishing. Kindle Edition.
• Knock it off. Interrupt the thought process and challenge it vigorously. When you whine, “I neeeeeeed it!,” dispute that nonsense. When you begin to believe a want is a must, forcibly tell yourself that you’re not a five-year-old without free will or self-discipline. When my patients try to convince me that they are helpless, I ask simply, “Could you have resisted for a thousand dollars?” Ninety-nine percent of the time, they reply, “Of course.” That proves they possess the skills to do so. Set your mind straight. Changeology p. 162.

Description

Kadden, R., Carroll, K., Donovan, D., Cooney, N., Monti, P., Abrams, D., Litt, M., Hester, R., & Mattson, M. E. (2003). COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL COPING SKILLS THERAPY MANUAL:

Challenge and change your thoughts. When experiencing a craving, many people have a tendency to remember only the positive effects of alcohol and often forget the negative consequences of drinking. Therefore, when experiencing craving, many people find it helpful to remind themselves of the benefits of not drinking and the negative consequences of drinking. This way, you can remind yourself that you really won’t “feel better if you just have one drink,” and that you stand to lose a lot by drinking. Sometimes it is helpful to have these benefits and consequences listed on a small card that you can keep with you.

People constantly appraise and think about things that happen to them and the things that they do. The way that you feel and act can be highly influenced by these subjective facts or appraisals as well as objective facts. What you tell yourself about your urges to drink will affect how you experience and handle them.

Your self-talk can be put to use to strengthen or weaken your urges. The process of making self-statements becomes so automatic by the time you are an adult, you may not notice that you do this; it simply does not require any attention now. A self statement that has become automatic for you is, “The big hand is on the 7, so it is 35 minutes after. The little hand is between the 2 and 3, so it is 2 o’clock. That means that the time is 2:35.”

Instead, you automatically read the clock to tell time. Hidden or automatic self-statements about urges can make them harder to handle (“Now I want a drink. I won’t be able to stand this. The urge is going to keep getting stronger and stronger until I blow up or drink.”) Other types of self-statements can make the urge easier to handle (“Even though my mind is made up to stay sober, my body will take a while to learn this too. This urge is uncomfortable, but in 15 minutes or so, I’ll be feeling like myself again.”).

There are two basic steps in using self-talk constructively:

1. Pinpoint what you tell yourself about an urge that makes it harder to cope with the urge. One way to tell if you are on the right track is when you hit upon a self-statement that increases your discomfort. That discomfort-raising self-statement is a leading suspect for challenge, since it pushes your buttons.

2. Use self-talk constructively to challenge that statement. An effective challenge will make you feel better (less tense, anxious, panicky) even though it may not make the feelings disappear entirely. The most effective challenges are ones that are tailored to your specific upsetting self-statements. Listed below are some stock challenges that people find useful:

• What is the evidence? What is the evidence that if you don’t have a drink in the next 10 minutes, you will die? Has anyone (who has been detoxed) ever died from not drinking? What’s the evidence that people who are recovering from an alcohol problem don’t experience the feelings that you have? What is the evidence that there is something the matter with you, that you will never improve?

• What is so awful about that? What’s so awful about feeling bad? Of course you can survive it. Who said that sobriety would be easy? What’s so terrible about experiencing an urge? If you hang in there, you will feel fine. These urges are not like being hungry or thirsty or needing to relieve yourself—they are more like a craving for food or an urge to talk to a particular person—they pass, in time.

• You are a regular human being and have a right to make mistakes. Maybe you worry about being irritable, preoccupied, or hard to get along with. What’s so bad about that? We all make mistakes, and in a situation that is complicated, there is no right or perfect way to get along. Our most memorable lessons, invariably, are learned in the school of hard knocks. It’s a school that every single one of us attends throughout life.

Some of the substitute thoughts or self-statements will only be necessary or helpful initially, as ways of distracting yourself from persistent urges; you’ll have an easier time if you replace the uncomfortable thoughts with other activities. After a while, sobriety will feel less unnatural; many of the urges will diminish and drop out, and you won’t need constant replacements.

See another variation in Steinberg et al (2005). Brief Counseling for Marijuana Dependence: A Manual for Treating Adults, p. 113.

Variations

Another way of doing this is by asking questions. Ask yourself:

• Is this what I want to do?
• Where did this urge come from?
• What’s going on right now that triggered the urge? Is it what’s going on around me? Is something bothering me?
• Am I just acting on impulse?
• Do I have to act immediately?
• Am I seeing the complete picture?
• Is drinking right now in line with my long-term goals?
• Do I want to deal with the consequences?
• What are my options?

Source: SMART Online.

Note: This can then be followed by distraction, connection, urge surfing etc.

Specs

• Learning Curve: Easy
• Practice: None
• Urge Strength: Weak / Medium
• Customization: What statement will you use
• Materials: None
• Type: "Face It"
• Brain Effect: Low
• Easier with Time: Low
• Editors choice: No

Torah Sources

• הרב יצחק דוד גרונר היה שליחו של הרבי למלבורן, אוסטרליה. הוא הגיע פעם לביקור אצל הרבי בניו יורק. לפני שחזר לאוסטרליה נכנס לקבל את ברכת הפרידה. שאל אותו הרבי: - מה תעשה בזמן הנסיעה באונייה? הוא לא ידע מה לענות. והרבי המשיך: -  כשאתה חוזר באנייה דרך כל האוקיינוס עד לאוסטרליה, קח בבקשה את כל המחשבות שלך על כך שאתה "לא יכול" "לא מסוגל" ו"לא מצליח"; את כל המחשבות שמכניסות לך עצבות ואי-הצלחה ותזרוק אותן לאוקיינוס. זאת העבודה שלך לנסיעה הזאת! (מפי השמועה)

From GYE Members

n my experience, due to very intense and frequent masturbation, i had come to a "belief" that one must ejaculate to live. Just like one cannot live without eating and drinking and sleeping, one must have a sexual experience to survive. It became a need. What i did not realize, unfortunately, for many years, was that what i actually needed was an ability to relieve anxiety. Like so many other guys here, i was using my penis as my pacifier. If i was stressed - fantasize and masturbate, if i was feeling rejected - fantasize and masturbate, if i was bored and irritable - fantasize and masturbate. I had no other way to regulate my emotions. And it didn't even help much! It caused me such aggravation, depression, and anxiety that i would - guess what? Fantasize and masturbate again....and again....

After joining GYE and getting a lot of help and education here - thank you to many guys, specifically one_day_at_a_time, i finally was able to realize that there is never a need to ejaculate. It is an achizas einayim. One may have an underlying need of some sort, and could be acting out would relieve him, but the script can be changed. It used to be "I am stressed so i will act out". Now it is "I am stressed and it would be geshmak to act out, but there are other eitzos".

All i can say is that this mehalech has helped very many guys get completely clean, including bochurim (who do not have any other sexual outlet) that were heavy pornography viewers/masturbators/and worse rach"l that are Bh now clean for over a year....