Intimacy: Undoing Damage

By @HashemHelpMe

The images people BH slowly, they slowly forgot it. But the mindset of what they saw, doesn't go away by itself, and it has to be completely eradicated.

If you've been exposed to porn, and you're a engaged, please tell your chosson rebbe that you saw pornography, or at least hint it. And if that's not an option, at least speak to a mentor on GYE to work on having the right mindset.

For example:

There's this craze of people having to cause their wives to climax.

And yes, women will enjoy a climax, but you have to understand that the women, their goal, their dream or their drive in the bedroom is two things: One is to be loved by their husbands, to be told how important they are and how cherished they are to experience true intimacy with their husband, that their husband cares. They want to hear that their husband is getting pleasure of them. They want to hear that they're running the household nicely and they want to be held and caressed and kissed and hugged. That's what they want.

Most women wouldn't care, if they only have the actual act, once in awhile, they don't need the act. The sexual part of it is maybe exciting and thrilling, but it's not what they meet their need in the bedroom is intimacy.

The man's desire for the bedroom is the ejaculation.

That's what he wants and everything that builds up to it. And most men will convince themselves that the wife needs to have a climax and they'll be desperate to make it happen. But it doesn't. It's not realistic that the wife will climax all the time. It's just not, they're not built that way. And they're not necessarily interested in it.

And many wives are being forced into, you know, the guy using his fingers or whatever, which again, if she wants it by all means, but otherwise it's being done in a certain way against her will. They think they're supposed to be allowing this.

And the honest truth is if you ask any man honest truth, beino levein atzmo, why is he closing his climax, it's because *his* sexual experience will be greater, if she climaxes. Physically, it feels better. The guy gets very very turned on and aroused by his wife having a climax. And he feels like "I accomplished this". He did this to her body.

Again, I'm not saying people shouldn't cause their wife to climax. But at least, understand the truth, understand "why am I doing this?"

A GYE member once shared:

One of the things that took me years to work on was this: I thought when you're in the bedroom, you have to do the act, like it has to finish. And the idea that maybe my wife is tired and maybe she'd rather stop in the middle and just go to sleep and just to get a hug and a kiss and go to sleep. To me, it was Chinese.

If it wasn't working, I was like forcing myself. And I was having these horrible thoughts to make it, the idea was it has to happen. It has to have happen, it has to happen. It was almost like OCD, but the OCD was coming from this belief that there's no life without ejaculation. There's no, this has to happen, it has to happen. And that, that had to be changed.

And my wife is a tzadeikes and she never said a word. The first time I took away my pacifier and I told my wife, I said, you know, I see you're tired. We can stop right here. She thought I fell off the moon. And I was literally crying.

It hurt in my guts - it showed how sick I was. It just showed how, how, not normal I was towards this whole thing. And I forced myself a number of times, to just not do the act.

I went to speak to a moreh horaah about it. He told me I shouldn't do that leil tevilah night. And I shouldn't do it if it would be motzi zera levatala, but otherwise he agreed. I had to remove this desperation for the act to take place.

I still do it now. If I see my wife is tired. I stop in the middle and I force myself to stop. It still hurts a little bit, it's nothing like before, I don't cry.

Pornography trains a person it's all about them. It's just very selfish, very selfish act. It's all about me having a good time at someone else's expense. And, it's impossible to get into bed with your wife and not have pornographic urges and try to get different moves and different, you know actions to take place, which are very against the nature of a lady to really want.

(A young couple will experiment and I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about once a person settled into marriage.)

Most ladies inherently have a certain level of tznius. And then all of a sudden he starts asking his wife to do this, to do that. And you're really treading on very inappropriate stuff because your wife doesn't want it.

The nature of a woman is not to want to have these things. And so many people have written about this on the forums. And the veterans of guard your eyes I've spoken to speak about it very openly. When they stopped doing it, their wives thanked them. They said, you know, "we never wanted to say anything, but this was quite revolting and nauseating to us." One wife told her husband "I never enjoyed being in bed with you".

A lot of people on guard your eyes write about the fact that their wives are not receptive in the bedroom. And I challenged them and I say, well, what are you doing in the bedroom? What do you do? And this is discussed very openly.

What do you ask her to do? What do you do? how does it start? How's it finished?

Do you ever leave your wife cards around the house that you love her? And you buy her flowers, buy her ice cream, just because. Or is it just the bedroom where you supposedly are expressing love when she knows you're just doing it because you want to get her to behave a certain way in the bedroom.

Intimacy is not the bedroom, intimacy is out of the bedroom. Intimacy is treating your wife the right way all the time. And then the sexuality is a culmination of a relationship. It's the icing on the cake, there has to be cake. If you just eat ice cream, you're gonna throw up, right? All this stuff is like, I call it cotton candy, cotton candy, this big overblown thing that's really nothing there. I said, this whole Parsha is cotton candy. And if you eat a lot of cotton candy, you get sick. If there's cake there and you have some icing on the cake, then it tastes very good. And the sexuality has to be viewed as, as a culmination of a relationship, it has to be the, the shpitz. It's takeh very special, it's takeh a very powerful force, but it can't be a vacuum. It can't be in and of itself.