Self-Worth

See Chizuk, Rav Shlomo Wolbe

See Unconditional Acceptance

See https://self-compassion.org/

References

• ‘If you define your self-worth in terms of almost any specific criterion, especially “good” performances, you are likely to create emotional trouble. When, for one reason or another, you do not have “good” deeds to your credit, you are a worthless person; and when you do have them, you almost inevitably worry about not having them later. So you can’t win! Albert Ellis in Hauck, Paul A.. Overcoming the Rating Game: Beyond Self-Love--Beyond Self-Esteem (p. 3). Presbyterian Publishing Corporation. Kindle Edition.
• The first step is to take a close look at what you say about yourself when you insist you are no good. The evidence you present in defense of your worthlessness will usually, if not always, make no sense. Ch. 4 Start by Building Self-Esteem in Burns, David D. . Feeling Good (pp. 68-69). Harper. Kindle Edition. See there at length for a CBT approach to self-esteem
  • Dr. Beck found that depressed patients see themselves as deficient in the very qualities they value most highly: intelligence, achievement, popularity, attractiveness, health, and strength. He said a depressed self-image can be characterized by the four D’s: You feel Defeated, Defective, Deserted, and Deprived. Almost all negative emotional reactions inflict their damage only as a result of low self-esteem. A poor self-image is the magnifying glass that can transform a trivial mistake or an imperfection into an overwhelming symbol of personal defeat. Burns, David D. . Feeling Good (p. 65). Harper. Kindle Edition.
  • The River Metaphor. See also Pornography Addiction Secrets in Staley, Cameron. Beginning Your Life After Pornography: Overcoming Your Struggle with Unwanted Pornography Viewing (p. 17), where he discusses lack of education as a possible cause. This can help with self-worth as it removes some of blame, especially for teens.

Summary

By Dr. Shlomie Zimmerman

Being able to accept and appreciate one’s “humanness,” in totality, is the foundation of healthy living. It allows one to live in truth and to appreciate one’s self as a human being. To live like this, one must embrace the fact that one was not created perfectly, but rather that one was designed with serious flaws and imperfections, and with no expectation of achieving perfection. One’s character strengths and weaknesses are the custom designed foundation for challenges and growth as a human being. Such an appreciation allows a person to be fully cognizant and accepting of all aspects of himself. Under such conditions, one does not have to inflate or deny one’s maalos or chisronos. Instead, they can be healthily integrated and accepted as the disparate factors that comprise the unique individual one is.

The more one accepts and appreciates his humanness, the more at peace and harmony he will be with himself. Individuals who embrace their humanness also live peacefully with other people, as they do not have to elevate themselves above or feel less than others. Since they can accept themselves, they can be authentic, open, and vulnerable with others, engaging with them as equals and sources of connection rather than as competitors who may induce negative feelings.

Research has demonstrated that there is only one variable that separates the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, and the people who struggle greatly for it. That singular variable is their sense of worthiness, their belief that they are worthy of love and belonging. The only way to have truly deep and meaningful connections is to really be open and share yourself with others. A person can only do that when being open and vulnerable is not experienced as a threat to one’s ego, and that can only occur when one has a strong sense of worthiness, which comes from embracing and appreciating all aspects of oneself. Those who feel worthy are courageous enough to be vulnerable with others and receive the amazing benefits of deep human connection, whereas those who struggle with worthiness find vulnerability excruciating and cannot really be open with others, and as a consequence do not receive those benefits. (Cite Brené brown research)

Similarly, regarding avodas hashem, Gedolim across the spectrum from Litvishe to Chasidishe, emphasize that a critical part of Yiddishkeit, and the best general shmirah from aveira, is feeling good about yourself. Tapping into the truth of one’s essence that he is a beautiful, worthy, beloved, chelek eloka mimal- is the foundation of yiddishkeit and healthy living. It is crucial to remember that even with all of one’s challenges, shortcomings, and aveiros, the absolute truth is that you remain essentially an incredible person, a holy neshama, and are beloved by Hashem.

To the degree that one is tapped into the fundamental truth of his innate and incredible chashivus, one will avoid things which distance him from his true essence and Hashem (aveiros & negativity), and go towards things that are innately positive and good (mitzvos and maasim tovim). Mitzvos and positive living will feel in synch with and manifest his atzmios, while aveiros and negativity will feel foreign and beneath him.

Similarly, it is important to note that one of the primary weapons of the yetzer hara is dimyon - the conjuring of an illusion that doing a specific act or acquiring a specific thing will give one the positive feelings one seeks. (cite R’ Chaim Shmuelevitz- darchei hayetzer) This is particularly true of sexual challenges which are often rooted in fantasy. The yetzer hara, in collaboration with one’s psyche, conjure up fantasies which seem like they will provide the person with what they are lacking, such as love, intimacy, acceptance, power, being desired, being pleasing to others, etc. The healthier a person’s sense of self, the better they inherently feel, and the more they are able to experience pleasure and satisfaction from the (non illusory) regular, healthy, and muttar experiences of life. Self-worth enables a person to feel good just “being” – conscious of who they actually are and in touch with their innate health and chashivus, which is independent of “doing.” When “being” is pleasant and fulfilling, it minimizes the allure of the illusions portrayed by the yetzer hara. Therefore, the greatest avoda is to continuously work on experiencing one’s innate chashivus and gadlus.

However, it is important to note that struggling with one’s sexual thoughts/drives (within developmentally appropriate limits) is not an indicator of low self-worth. Even someone with robust self-esteem will have challenges related to this. There is even a concept of kol hagadol mchaveiro yitzro gadol… wherein the yetzer hara will work “overtime” to try to incite greater individuals. Nonetheless, for the majority of people in this generation, a healthier sense of self-worth and being more connected to one’s true essence will be a shmirah from aveira. Conversely, if someone has an unusually intense struggle with these issues, poor self-worth/ emotional difficulties are often contributing factors.

Torah Sources

• פירוש המשנה לרמב"ם מסכת אבות פרק ב משנה יב: [יב] אם ידמה האדם עצמו פחות - לא תהיה חמורה בעיניו פחיתות שיעשה.
• "אבל באמת כל אחד מישראל הוא מדוגל בדבר אחד על כל ישראל ובדבר זה הוא בבחינת מלך על ישראל" [פרי צדיק פר' שקלים אות ד]
• See Mekoros Zimmerman p. 19
• See Sichos Mussar (Rav Chaim Shmulevitz) Maamor 28 - נכבדות and 55. Zichon Eliyahu (Bloch) p. 322. See Battle of the Generation Ch. 24 how to balance this with humility.
• See פרקים במשנת החסידות (כשר) עמ' מא-מב

See also

• Positive Vision Day 68 and Day 50.
• Battle of the Generation Ch. 32

From GYE Members

• Disclaimer - the following is my opinion, definitely da'as Torah. Feel free to vehemently disagree. If learning mussar causes you to have a lack of self worth, stop learning it chaver. Or get a rebbi who teaches you how to learn it without bashing yourself. In this parsha, one of the most important things is to have a very healthy sense of self worth. Don't do anything that compromises it. #HashemHelpMe
• Maybe also write down 5 nice things you do each day. It is important to view yourself as a good productive person (who happens to have a habit...) #HashemHelpMe
• You got this! Please look at yourself as a whole, and not just at this struggle you have. You're not just a guy who struggles with this. You're a ben-torah, a rebbe, a holy Jew, and a fantastic, growth-oriented person who happens to be struggling with this. @AnsheiZusha
• Exercise: I think strategy number one for you is to once a day stand in front of a mirror, focus deeply on the eyes looking back at you, and tell that fellow in the mirror' "Hey, you are a really great fellow! You daven, you learn, you do many mitzvos, and you have the courage to deal with a tough challenge that most guys have but unfortunately can't face. Hashem will help you win. Stop defining yourself as a rasha and loser. You started this habit way back; without the knowledge of how bad it is. Have a great day!"   Do this until you start believing it - it is the truth buddy. #HashemHelpMe
  • Reference: Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life (Hay)
  • Reference: Petrocchi, N., Ottaviani, C., & Couyoumdjian, A. (2017). Compassion at the mirror: Exposure to a mirror increases the efficacy of a self-compassion manipulation in enhancing soothing positive affect and heart rate variability. Journal of Positive Psychology, 12(6). https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2016.1209544 (study summarized here)