Twerski on GYE - Members Share
Thank G-d I've been clean each day for 24 years since I started attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings in Adar of 1997. But five years before that (in 1992), I called Rabbi Twerski (from a payphone - anyone remember those?) for help. Of course, the reason I 'bit the bullet' and made the call that particular day was because I had just made yet another round of self-destructive sexual choices (though they certainly didn't feel like 'choices', at the time!) that shocked myself, just a few minutes before...so I felt needed to make another frantic, spur-of-the-moment scream for help. The pain was terrible. And my call was filled with hope.
By that time ('92), I had been acting out with pornography, masturbation and other ways to get erotically high, for about 16 years, 6 of them, as a married guy learning, giving shiurim, and in school for a trade. By '92, I had opened up about (at least part of) my problem to 3 Rabbonim and 2 psychologists...all while succeeding at keeping nearly all my behaviors secret from my wife. Well, getting married obviously didn't help me because my behaviors had only gotten worse over the last 4 or 5 years; the well-meaning Rabbonim and decent psychologists surely tried their best but I was still getting worse, not better. I was beginning to perceive that there really was nothing my wife, my Rabbonim, or therapists could possibly do to save me from myself and my terrible, secret problem. But I had remembered my Ace-in-the-hole, Rabbi Twerski!
By that time, I had already read a couple of his great books ("Let Us Make Man", being my favorite) and was very impressed. I had also been listening to a "Daily Reflection on Recovery" phone line he had. The phone number was 1-800-45SOBER, as I recall. I discovered the number scribbled on the wall in a yeshiva somewhere. So I called! Everyday he had another great, 1-minute message about addiction and recovery. Sometimes, I played his message over again because it was very meaningful. And at end of every message, his secretary Kim gave a plug for his latest, given book. Her voice was very-sounding to me and even though I would occasionally play his messages over again, it was Kim's messages that I would play over, and over, sometimes even while in bed with my wife sleeping nearby...
And 20 years later, when I spent a couple of hours with Rabbi Twerski in his house in Teaneck, I told him all about Kim's part of his message! He laughed hard, and so did I! Addicts in recovery can laugh about our old behaviors because we are now revealed to be "guilty but mostly stupid' in our efforts. I was never trying to be bad and we both knew it. I was just totally clueless at how to get by in life, and porn, sex, and schmutz were all I really trusted! It's not about whether it was right or wrong, good or bad...it was just a fact. My behavior proved without any doubt what my beliefs were. I wanted with my whole heart and neshoma to be good, but I obviously trusted erotic excitement more than anything else. I sacrificed so much for it, took so many risks, felt so bad and kept doing it anyway for so many years...that's devotion, that's trust. The Rabbi and I could laugh because we're "no longer afraid of the past and we don't shut the door on it" - and we can even laugh about it, at times. We know that we were just doing the best we could, at the time, with our (very) addled minds. Recovery involves lots of behavioral changes (no more lying, no more hiding, etc), but it also involves giving up seeing ourselves as the center of the universe, the narcissistic frum drama of it all...we can laugh again, even at our mistakes. And we can surrender Lust and Fantasy in a fellowship of other imperfect people doing the same.
By the way, the reason I was at Rabbi Twerski's house in Teaneck a couple of years ago was because we were discussing his book, "Teshuvah Through Recovery," that had about 20 pages of my posts on GYE.
The way I got in touch with Rabbi Twerski in the first place, was only because this same Kim would always mention that Dr Twerski worked out of the "Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Aliquippa PA". I called 'information' from that payphone and asked for Aliquippa in Pennsylvania, eventually asking for the Gateway Rehabilitation center there, and then for Dr Twerski's office. And presto, there he was on the phone! I couldn't believe it. The cavalry was coming in, finally.
Well, I described a great deal of my behaviors to him, there on the street, whispering in fear of the passersby. He told me I'd never get better on my own. At the time, he didn't really know much about Sexaholics Anonymous. It seems to me that at that time he still had not made up his mind whether lust addiction exists at all, or not. But he obviously heard the cyclical and progressive story I told about my behaviors he heard what I went through for 10 years, then for 6 years of marriage, and he understood why it didn't get better, only worse. He was hearing the same story that all the alcoholics and drug addicts tell. And he told me that I had no real chance of success unless I registered myself into a rehab center for intensive therapy, or joined with a group of other people getting better from the same problem. (Later, he became a great friend of Sexaholics Anonymous and I was present in the crowd hearing him speak at Sexaholics Anonymous conferences, as a guest. But back in 1992, he didn't really know what address to send me to yet).
Well, I got off the phone after thanking him profusely...and went back to struggling with my phone sex, pornography, and masturbation for the next 5 years. Nothing had changed, at all.
I was caught by my wife in late 1995...that didn't stop me, either. I spent about a year with my fourth try with a therapist and even medication, but continued choosing lust and erotic adventure over real life; getting only worse, not better. I hit bottom in early 1997 and finally went to a bona fide sex addiction therapist. I told her my entire story without holding back anything and she knew how to get even more honesty out of me. And then she broke the bad news to me: she said she couldn't really help me because she can't really save any addicts. She told me that what I needed more than self-control, was self honesty. And that the only place I could learn self honesty was in a fellowship of other sober people getting better from the very same problem I had, myself.
Rabbi Twerski's advice from 5 years earlier was finally acceptable to me. My own bankruptcy and behavior had convinced me to surrender. To finally give up trying to control this thing...because an addict like me is too ill to successfully use and control their drug. But we definitely can be free of it!
And even if using schmutz were somehow a great mitzvah, I would not be able to control it successfully and would be 100% patur from it. The point is that - unlike normal yidden (or gentiles) - I am just too ill to successfully control it. And Hashem knows that. For me it's not about kedusha, not about Teshuvah...it's about survival and being in life, for real...just like it is for alcoholics regarding alcohol. And when I said this to Rabbi Twerski, he responded, "Of course! What else could it be?!"
I thanked him for planting that seed in my head, even if at the time he didn't yet understand it fully, himself. We shared a hug, a tear, and a smile.
Mine is a simple story, but it points to the great influence that Rabbi Twerski had on the Jewish world.
Long before I joined GYE, I had a very negative opinion about addicts. I believed addicts were lowlifes and only existed among people who are not Frum. I had downloaded on my iPod all kinds of lectures/shiurim someone once gave me, and one of them was by Rabbi Twerski. So one day I decide to listen to it. It must have been a talk from a while ago, but in it, he was trying to bring attention to the frum community that the issues of alcohol/drugs/gambling addiction existed in the frum community. And he repeated story after story. To me it was a eye opening experience that addicts exist in the frum community, and even in people who are not lowlifes. Even successful learned people.
It wasn't until a couple years later when I got into GYE I saw that there are sex addicts as well. But he paved the way for me to realize regular frum people can have problems, and that 12 steps is not a program for lowlifes, but for people who want to better their life.
I owe all happiness in my life to Rabbi Twerski, if not for his books, I would have no concept of self worth and self esteem.
In addition to this is the most important impact he had on me and that is by introducing GYE to me. Without GYE, I would be in deep trouble and I therefore am forever indebted to him for that. This is in addition to his fabulous book on the 12 steps and how they fit with the Torah called "Teshuvah Through Recovery" which has changed the way I view this whole parsha and significantly impacted my journey. He helped me understand myself in a way that no one else was able to and I can honestly say that I would not be anything close to where I am today if not for Rabbi Twerski.
Thank you Rabbi Twerski. I am a changed person because of you. You took me meiafeilah l'orah and mishibud ligeulah.
May your light shine on the whole entire world.
About 6 years ago I reached out to Rabbi Twerski and he replied to my Email. This was his reply;
These conditions may lie low for a while, but tend to recur. The best way to avoid recurrences is to be in touch with the support group of GYE, with others who share the same problem and who have been successful in the struggle.
We each have our struggles with which we must batttle for a lifetime
Twerski
In his Zchus I joined GYE.
I reached out to R' Twerski in 2009 and he directed me to GYE. I am forever grateful and iyH all of our successes should be a zechus for his neshama
When I heard that Rabbi Twersky z"l had passed away it felt like I had lost a close relative, it was painful, to the point where I found myself crying. I have never met Rabbi Twerski and I am not even sure what touched me so profoundly. I think that to me he was the epitome of acceptance and understanding of our struggle and hardships, a grandfatherly saintly figure steeped in Yiras Shamayim, yet in tune with all that drives a person to rock bottom, and with hope and tools to make things better. Yehi zichro baruch.
"All My Needs"
I heard Rabbi/Dr.Tweski speak a couple of days ago and he asked, "why is the bracha of 'she'asah li kol zarki - He did for me all my needs' in past tense, when the other birchos hashachar are in present tense? He answered that chazal didn't want people to make the bracha while thinking, "hey, I don't have this and I don't have that, and Hashem still hasn't fixed this or that problem". Only when we look back on things later can we realize that we had everything that we needed, and that He did indeed provide it to us.
Hopefully, very quickly, we will be able to look back and see how far we have come and things will start being better for us. And hopefully we'll even merit to see that this struggle was good for us all along
One Day at a Time
I have the zechus of hearing Rabbi/Dr.Twerksi speak most days for a few minutes in between Mincha and Maariv. Today, Hashem gave me some much needed chizuk. Rabbi Twerksi asked the famous question from the parsha, what does the pasuk mean that Yaakov's waiting for Rochel felt like "yammim achadim"? Why did it feel quick, it should have been the opposite? And he answered something we all have heard many times, but it resonated a lot more with me today. He said that one of his patients, an alcoholic, once gave him the answer. He said what is "yamim achadim"? Singular days. HE TOOK IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! That is what made it manageable. He didn't say, "Ok, it's time to work for 7 years". That would be too hard. Instead, he said, "let me work today". And that's exactly what we all need to do!
While I have obviously heard this many times before on this site, it really struck me the way he said it. My Maariv was definitely different, and hopefully I can start living more right now.
Member "One-step-at-a-time" wrote to GYE:
Wow, I did it! 90 days! I would first like to thank you guys for your special work. You guys are really saving klal yisroel. I just wanted to share a couple of ideas that helped me make it this far in my journey.
The fist thing I did was take it one day a time. I saw in a book from Rabbi Twerski that in AA people count their sobriety by the day. He told a story of someone who said that another participant was sober longer because she had woken up earlier and was still sober. So that became my model one day at a time. I also read this statement from the Klausenberger Rebbe on GYE. It said the following:
"In my youth, I was considered a bright and diligent student. How did I accomplish this? I tricked my yetzer hara. Other children had great plans at the beginning of the school year for the whole year, but in the end they failed. I said to myself, "I am going to plan just for today - and set goal for this day only". The Satan, not being interested in a single day, left me alone. The next day, I again just made plans for that day, and so on until the end of the year." - Klausenberger Rebbe.
And that is what I tried to do. When I felt an urge I would tell myself not today maybe tomorrow but definitely not today. Slowly days turned into weeks and weeks turned into a month. And perhaps the most important thing I did was daven. Every day I would ask Hashem to help me overcome my desires. That I only lust for him and my wife. That I should come close to him and stay there my whole life.
These past 90 days were very hard. Now that I am on the other side, I feel like a whole new person. I feel better about myself. My self-esteem grew immensely. I will still take it one day at a time and Be”H the next thing I know I will be dancing with all of you in the front lines greeting Mashiach!
Hatzlacha to you all. And thank you again to the head guys here at gye. May Hashem bless you with endless strength to continue your wonderful work.
Susan J. wrote:
Hi - I want very much to thank Rabbi Twerski for changing my life through his writings. He is the mentor, therapist, Rebbe, sponsor and friend I have been seeking my entire life, (I will turn 70 on July 8th, 2019). My greatest wish is that I be able to thank Rabbi Twerski either on the telephone, in person, by letter or by email and feel that he has heard my thanks.
D.G. wrote:
I was zoche to hear HaRav AJH Twerski tz"l speak twice in Yeshiva (2 different yeshivas :), first on Shalom Bayis and then on Simcha. He brought a maaseh of an argument about Chanuka / Shabbos lecht and pointed out that the main sugya on Shalom Bayis is on the Same Sugya/Daf in Shabbos Bamei Madlikin! The shiur on Simcha (not just Happiness - I have the book too) reinforced what I have long been told, that the pursuit of pleasure is not a solid foundation for developing personally, emotionally or spiritually and not a model for a Yiddishe Shteib. On the other hand being besimcha tamid includes even the difficult things in life including bereavement because simcha is not just happiness. I just saw in the Chok leYisroel that true simcha is a segula for shmiras einayim against pritzus. On the second occasion I told Rav Twerski TZ"l that I loved his sfarim and that I felt they changed my life. He said to me "Do you why people like them? Because I never wrote anything new." from which I understood that he meant he just brought what he learnt from the eternal words of Chazal applied in the very challenging but potentially beautiful & sweet real world of maaseh we live in. I am quite sure that his teachings paved my path to a strong kesher with tzadikim and Chassidus as well as emesdik avodas H and BE"H shalom bayis. Our 5 daughters knein hora are very much in his Zchus as well as the simcha that IY"H radiates from our home.